I want my body back!

I want my body, mind, soul, spirit back NOW!

I am waiting to see if i can get some cash flow so i can start eating better and organic again. I dont care what any omnivore says….. My body can not process meat the way others can. May on occasion or festivities….. But an every day basis of my diet. Nope. I gained soooooooo much weight.

When i went raw i lost 20lb in a month but thats too much in a month. And i dont want flab. Its difficult to cook in my parents house cause my mom is always in the kitchen and the refrigerator is always full with left overs.

I am slightly afraid that my vegetarian/vegan lifestyle had something to do with what seemed like my spontaneous awakening. But i have to do what i know is right for my body.

I’ve mapped my mental landscape and the games the demonic aliens play. But i want to get rid of them desperately.

At night in my dreams they take control of my spirit/consciousness and drive it through dreams. I cant say exactly how but its like they wear my spirit and drive it while im asleep creating an illusion dreamscape to play in. Which is 100 times better than their sad reality of floating around in space waiting to fuck with someone believe me.

I miss running….. Sweating…. Biking…. I had lost 130+lb over a couple of years and was about 40lb away from my goal weight when i got attacked by the demon aliens. And i slowly became inactive becauce the weight of them hurt to simply walk to breathe. I felt like i was being choked, like my brain was in a vice. So i stopped all activity. Then tgey forced me to quit my job by the sick images they were showing me and saying to me. Then i became depressed and pretty much only ate cheese sandwhiches and cookies all day for like a year. It was a sad look. All my vital came back ok. My blood pressure was a bit high but nothing my doctors seem to take as seriously as i was.

Even being unhealthy i still see hear and feel them. My body is no longer in an alkaline state (i was lighly following Dr. Sebi Akaline guidelines but not strictly). Prior i was 7+ph.

I almost want to cut off all my hair again. Idk. My hsir is just sitti g on my head in a bun all day. Wasting shampoo AND tons of conditioner on it.

Im like wasti g to go into warrior mode ….. Just been waiting and waiting. So tired of waiting. Waiting for money, answers, healing, something!

The soul and the spirit i believe is different i believe. I believe the soul is the observer the spirit is the driver. What animates us. The electricity that runs through our body. Unfortunately this can be hacked. I dont think our soul can be hacked maybe im wrong. The soul is pure. But the body is a bio computer. It is a reciever of information. And it is being hacked and viruses and back doors and Trojans and identify theft is being carried out by these demon aliens. I mean they sounded just like my ex (identy theft). They knew what song he was goung to send me 2 weeks before he sent it (back door).

But i havent fleshed this out too much. But i dont know why they do what they do but its wrong and bad andcevil and there will soon be a reckoning for them and who ever is working with them.

Profound Life Event ๐Ÿ˜ฒ

So this guy I dated said he. Went to Niagara Fall before making a big decision to move to NYC and beat depression because of his mom.

Other people will say God told them to do this or that. Or they saw signs to go this path……

And I guess IDK…. I am wondering what will and if there will be a proud moment in my life about this situation.

I just read that Schizophrenics are likely to live 20 less years than the average person. So that means all I have is 15 years left. 20 of which I spent my youth clawing my way out out poverty and bad relationships. And now I get to entertain demons for the last quarter of my life. ๐Ÿ˜”

This is really as good as it gets?

I was always humble and tried to stay with in my means. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here other than I clinicly don’t have much longer ………. and these pills don’t even work…… and none of this spiritual hopla is making any difference and I’m just wasting away in a corner of my moms apartment that vaguely looks like a jail cell because of the sonji screens surrounding it and I’m over hearing about my ex and his life or my fathers penis or child molestation or being raped or how ugly and fat I’ve become.

Or how God doesn’t care or some twisted religious stuff. Or no one cares. Which is accurate because this is levels of fuckery no one could truly understand but God.

Where’s the turning point? It’s been 3 years… more if you count grooming by these demons.

I’m not brace or strong. I just have no choice in enduring. I begged God to please obliterate my soul. I don’t want exist in any life or plane or universe where these disgusting demons exist as well. I hope God will have Mercy on me and understanding. I don’t want to remember any of this ever or to play this game…. so it’s best to just not exist.

“Audio Spotlight Case – In-Store Campaign” ๐Ÿ‘ฝ๐Ÿ™

So I’m not saying this is what I experience. But I thought about this this morning for some reason. Many “targeted individuals” believe that this is the type of “electronic harassment” that they experience through the (I believe) V2KSkull technology. Many people believe that humans are being paid to control this known as (gang stalking), but again I believe this is a paranoid delusion played by the “archon’s” to make you flip out on someone who looked at you the wrong way. BE CAREFUL! For the sweet souls we are given the wonderful gift of schizo. Taking the paranoia into a full blown delusion causing us to push people away in our lives. 

I’m pretty settled on it being a semi invisable Archon eyeball looking floaty things whispering (screaming actually) sweeting nothings of bullshit all day. I actually wanted to sage my whole house and poke em with my sage wand but that pointless I poked it enough to make it move, but not leave or die (even though it tried to guilt me smh, I’m like you touch me all day your doing it right now soo.) yea.

Whatever it is. Is intelligent enough to intake data (likes, dislikes, fears, dreams, memories, beliefs, life stuff ect), and weave this “data” ie your life into a delusional story that will get you killed, in jail, or outcasted by society and hopped up on pointless meds.

But its not intelligent in the sense it is constantly looping the same programs (topics) over and over and over again. There is not much of a progression. That’s in the case of schizophrenia. Prior I can look back when I thought it was “a spirit/ ghost” or just strange phenomenons, when it wasn’t “schizo”. But now I might question ever thought, feeling or sensation moving forward because its like ….. It could be anything. It’s just triggers, trigger words, trigger people, topics etc. It’s like AI or a computer, not quiet human, humans can be a bit unpredictable in reaction because our emotional responses are too mixed up with collected data that we probably never truly processed. SO if you don’t know yourself well enough then you may be easier to manipulate.  Especially if you are habitual. 
LOL I remember wishing I was more habitual like everyone else. I’m terrible at doing the same thing over and over (well now I am an expert at doing absolutely nothing), but I never went the same way to work at the same time, I don’t eat the same breakfast (even tho coffee is a must), I guess what I loved about my old job was there were so many parts and projects that if one became boring I just move on to another piece of my job and it was hella fun cooking and stuff, but whatever still grieving the loss (quitting) of my job. Either way I’m terrible at same ol’ everyday always gotta switch it up maybe its an “Aries thing”.

Either way, back to the Demonic Archon Aliens ( now they are trying to correct my grammar while I’m writing. Which I redo in a reread usually …. But also I don’t give a FUCK cause that’s my style, ๐Ÿ’ฉ emojis, slang, cuss words and terrible fucking grammar. SUCK IT BITCH! )  So anyway these Alien jelly fish eyeball things are…. Annoying at best, and psychotic at worse but painful either way. I don’t even know if they can even tell the truth. 

I don’t even want to look at them in my house anymore. They are not easy to find to be honest, takes some crossing of the eyes and a keens sense of space like “seeing auras”. Which I have scene but random.

Either way fuck them. Always and forever. 

๐Ÿ™

I Deserve This

Its Demon/ Shadow Entity whatever. Pretty simple …. There is no going back from this. There is no SURPRISE I was your angel spirit guide all along pushing you to what? Quit your job, ruin ever relationship, gain 100lb and sleep all day. There really is no coming back from this on any level. 

There is no prize, The demon tried to encourage me to keep going through the experience because in the end I would get my ex back or, be a better person, or some magical awakening ability. No there is no light at the end of this tunnel. You don’t get a prize for enduring pointless visions of child abuse or feeling like your brain is being sucked through a straw. There is no “upgrade” as we are designed as we should be. And I’m pretty sure any evolutionary changes would be extremely slow or generational. 

I deserve this, I clearly have done something to deserve this. Whether it was being disrespectful to my parents when I was young, being gay (who knows), having to to do sex work to survive, doing a few drugs, I might have borrowed/ stolen a couple things in my life. And while I try for the majority my hardest to be honest, I’ve definitely told some lies in my life. 

There is something I did to deserve this. Known or unknown. Do I feel like the punishment fits the crime, whatever it is….. No. But clearly that doesn’t matter. I did something or a couple of things that warrants demons being unleashed on me…. What they do from there… I guess is up to them and its not about being fair. Or balanced, or even learning a lesson at this point. I can’t even find the lesson in all of this because its just too much torture and confusion. Getting a lesson is for our own sake. It is our way of making peace. There is no prize, no lesson. 

This doesn’t excuse or make up for anything I have done. Enduring this doesn’t excuse what I have done in the past to deserve or contract this. This doesn’t wipe the slate clean. This doesnt purify. There is no lesson. Just abuse. 

There is no new age path, story or fantasy that applies. There is no cure. 

Even if my prayers and wishes came true and this Demon(s) *poof* magically went away, there is always the chance that it will come back and either try to ruin my life or make it even worse when I am down. There is no guarantee that this Demon will never come back and be gone forever.

No one will ever love me with this demon around. 

So it doesn’t matter. Nothing I do matters. 
Broken.

“Higher self” and suicide?

Hypothetically: Would the “higher self” force the I guess “human self” into suicide?

Would the higher self actually say “tired of looking at you fucking up”? Cause wouldn’t that ultimately mean the “higher self” fucked up? 

Just saying.

I guess I am currently in an ocean of terms, ideologies, beliefs and practices ….. Overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. Nothing fits just right. Does this belief make my butt look to big?

Yes. Yes it does.

Discernment has been so important. Because if I truly believed that this Entity was my ex, or God, or Satan…… I would not be here right now. And as much as I want to forgive this abusive being I also must remind myself of this fact.

Today yet another woman expressed having a very similar experience as I. I mean the white outs, choking sensations (not anxiety) as well as a voice calling her a bitch and saying “I’m leaving, I’m never coming back”. I am sure that’s the tip of the iceberg.  

This is soooo similar to the catch phrases that the Entity uses with me its almost scary.

  • “I’m fired” / “You’re fired”
  • I’m never coming back again
  • You will never see me again
  • I’m leaving / “Go Home”

These are just SOME of the catch phrases there are plethora of others depending on the theme or topic.

So why would two different people (women) on different sides of the world and from different cultures and with different symbols and language have an Entity telling them practically the exact same thing???

Hmmmm?????????????!

Por QUE!

I haven’t spoken to her directly to exchange any other notes. But Yea…… It is exhausting. I am glad she was able to position herself to at least stand her ground and know it is NOT her and she is NOT just schizophrenic……

As I said before I ….. I am (personally) where I have attributed all these “mystical” experiences (“angel” sparkles, shadows, spirits, telepathy, “voice of god”, aliens whatever) to this Entity. So…. My beliefs are kinda at a standstill …. But at the same time I look for information.

My only thing is does my exclusive experience with this Entity emulating them mean…. They do not exist? That’s why I try not impose of people too much. I mean whatever gets you through the day. But at the same time I’m about truth AND safety and when those things are compromised…… On a fundamental level….. The “self”….. What do you do other than hold space for each other? 

Allow one to draw their own conclusions with out imposing too much…..

“The Secret Path AUDIOBOOK ch.3 The Overself” on YouTube

So I was listening to this because it popped up on my YouTube feed and seemed interesting. Its pretty interesting topic. I (myself) am OK with listening and researching other people perspectives…. But I don’t necessarily need to take them on as my truth or a definite truth.

If it resonates cool…. If it doesn’t move on.

I guess my problem is being able to indulge in any kind of pass time with out it being skewed. After listening to this chapter the Entity said,

“I am your over soul, that’s all I have now”

“If your my over soul then why are you trying to kill me?” 

“Because I’m tired of looking at this, I will take full responsibility (of your death)”

Yea sooooooo I’m just …… I mean. … The fuckery never ceases to amaze me. Why would my soul want me to die? Nope that doesn’t make sense. Why would my soul run through every sexually disgusting sensation, vision and thought, just out of no where? 

But I already know homeboy ain’t Jesus, God, Buddah, Osiris, my ex, Fat fucking Albert, anyone in my life, not even Satan and it only wishes it was apart of my soul.

I just can’t help but think of other people who are deep in this and really believe the fuckery. 

Let Go and Let Godย 

9. You can stop a Kundalini awakening. Unfortunately the answer to this is also โ€œnoโ€. I have worked with a lot of people at this point who have been to well-meaning healers who โ€œteachโ€ people how to stop their Kundalini, or treat it as anything from a possession state to mental illness to an energetic aberration that must be โ€œfixedโ€. This causes a lot of chaos, pain, and emotional/spiritual damage and trauma to the experiencer of the Kundalini awakening. What can be done is to process whatever is coming up, to surrender, to let go and let God, so to speak. There are specific tools that can be taught, understandings that can be had to come into better alignment and have a better relationship with Kundalini. Once you are out of your first three chakras things typically improve a bit, or at least are not so physical in scope, and you have a better perspective of the process. There are teachers, such as myself, who can help you learn these skills. There are also many healers, such as CranioSacral therapists, who remain in a neutral, witness state to help you process energy and the trauma, emotions, etc. that are coming up.

—————

I Google searched “how to stop Kundalini”, I found this article with much disappointment. Because I’m done. I’m over it. I want my life back….. Not like the things but my actual life. To get out of the coma…. “Cocoon” phase…. How long is a cocoon phase? Isolation and imprisonment are two VERY different things.

I wondered if I am having two different experiences at the same time. Both a natural “kundalini awakening” as well as an Entity attack. To my understanding Kundalini is when you have this over surge of energy and abilities…. Come into play. But wonder if both your abundance of energy and “abilities” just make you more appealing to whatever entities that have been hanging around. To either play around with or cultivate/ harvest somehow for their own gain. 

Just a theory.

I don’t know what else to say. I mean if I had/have and abundance of energy or natural abilities it would make sense that an Entity would want to use them for their own gain or get rid of me. But why? 

I try to be careful of the stories allow myself to believe but these are kind of facts at this point…. I have experienced a lot of “kundalini” like symptoms and this entity has tried to get rid of me or make me crack into insanity. 

I also caution myself from a Grandiose idea of who I am or know myself to be…. As I am a human clearly flawed and vulnerable. I always thought my super power was kindness and often jokingly called myself a Care Bear…. Because I knew how ridiculous it is to want to save the world. But I know my place and my limits.

Maybe I wasn’t protected enough…. I never had spirit guided or animals or angels …. Although it was fun to look up the symbology. 

Just a theory …. Entities lurking around waiting for you to go through our natural metamorphis for either gain or to snuff it out. Filling our minds with all kinds of stories and fears to distract us from our simple transformation.

Maybe thats why so many people are having these botched ass awakening…… I mean I can understand confronting ones fears….. But living in a purpetual state of fear? Having these commonalities among so many people loosing their shit. This Entity seemed like he had too much fun with this for this to be an Angel in disguise.

Just a theory. I am open To being and hope to God that I am wrong. 

Thought from a forum


Not my words, but of someone in a forum. I just am trying to keep privacy in check, #respectfulBIGmouth. A guy yesterday in a private chat told me not to attribute ANYTHING to what is happening to me, or try to understand it at this point.

In a way, I felt these sensations, lack of control…. Triggering sensations, thoughts, images…. And all I could think of is rape, not me, captivity, hell, loss, confusion, filth. 

I have not had a great experience with this energy over the last few years. I am trying to be nutruel/ positive about it. 

I found myself being more angry than I am use to. I quickly apologize always and everyone in my family is surprisingly understanding and is not holding it against me. But again I have been explicit about what I am going through just in case there were moments like that. Still doesn’t excuse to trying to keep myself composed. I just need to learn how to do this in public while experiencing this thing. 

Uhm…. But again…. I’m trying to approach/ understand this from many angles …. But maybe I need to stop trying to understand it…. Cause it will never make sense…. And I doubt its because my “tiny human brain” can’t handle it….. But because…. That’s just the mystery… And the mystery is the lure.

So trying to understand or attribute…… Is something I need to work on lessening. This is not because of some prize at the end of the rainbow….. But for my own “authenciticity” .