Mandala Effect and Targeted Individuals

Just some thoughts.

Mandala Effect I wonder if the mandala effect has to do with “targeted individuals”. I mean I wrote it off as just people being misinformed. I mean our memories aren’t always the best. But there is also our “minds eye” or “third eyes” or “imagination” so when we are asked a question we access it in some way. So I wonder if those who believe something to be one way and not the other are under “mind control” as “targeted individuals”. Just a theory.

Gang Stalking. From what I read many people believe they are being stalked or followes by a group or organization. And while this may be true as a “target individual”, one I doubt they would make themselves so obvious. And two its a part of the “paranoid schizophrenia” “play”. In my own experience the VOICE  or Entity, whatever you want to call it…. Would make me believe it was my ex and his friends doing this to me. Then it moved to my place of work and it was my coworkers. Then moved to my home and almost everyone in NYC had something to say about me. Talk about gang stalking, how about about a whole borough “bullying” you? It was/ is intense to say the least and makes it difficult to go outside and engage the world like I use to. Once I realized this is impossible… For EVERYONE in NYC to be talking about little old me things changed. Once I realized it is impossible for my ex and his friend (who lived on the other side of the country) to psychic telepathic access to me to bully me. Things changed. Once I realized that THE VOICE(s) were talking too fast to be two different people things changed. So while it still happens some times…. I don’t believe it. It is just ONE Entity simulating this nasty ass shit.

As I said before, like I wonder if this how people get hurt or go crazy and hurt people thinking they are doing this shit to them, or suicide cause they are lost in some sick simulation overlay. 

Types of voices. You may notice both a pitch or frequency accompanied by a white static noise. Try ear plugs and touching certain parts of your body like ears or neck … Or affected areas or closing your body in yoga positions. The tones may change. But I pray that you not hear them if you are uncertain. The types of voices I noticed are as followed.

Main Voice: I’m not sure if some people are even able to get there. But once you get past the paranoia or characters or actual people that IT is hiding behind … You may find one voice. I’m not sure how that may play out for individuals because each have a different experience. But this is in relation to “targeted individuals” and the feeling of “gang stalking”. My particular Voice or Entity attachment…. Is intelligent, manipulative, obsessive, lies, I could say creative, but for this experience is absurdly abusive and inhumanly psychotic. May present itself as an archetype of authority, God, Jesus, Goddesses, Buddha, Ex partners, Bosses, Satan, Aliens, Angels, Parents, etc so that you feel powerless. Which in that moment may very well feel true. This “Main Voice Entity”, orchestrates most of the experience. The main voice may very well emulate YOU. So while its orchestrating it is suggesting you (light images, memories, or actual “subconscious thought”) how to respond or placing false feelings.

The Scream: This one often sounds like a distant scream that repeats over and over. Usually negative. May be “fuck you” or “bullshit” or “you’re crazy” “you’re ugly” or something that means something to you. Tends to rhyme. At one point I called it Rumpelstiltskin. But repeats it over and over again. This one also tends to be melodic. So you may hear music like sounds off of running water or other ambient sounds like a fan or humming of a car. 

Voice(s) / Gang Stalking: So this one is difficult. One, being paranoid is natural in natural situation. Walking down a dark ally sure. Stepping out of your house to get some almond milk in broad daylight…. Not so much. The Voice Entity is an opportunitist and will exploit any situation. So if you think your Boss passed you up for a promotion it is going to maybe you felt down or depressed … angry…. This Entity Voice will make you go postal… Hopefully not literally.

So my theory is that The ONE Voice Entity controls the “many”. The one that sings, the one that screams in the distance, the one that says your name randomly, the one that make you think people in your life are out to get you (but hey who knows), the one that makes you think your being gang stalked, that the TVor radio is talking to you, talking to dead relativites or people far away, The one that makes you think you heard someone say some crazy shit and they didnt, the one that makes you think you are taking to goddesses or aliens. 

I can’t say what this…. Exactly… But that is what I have realized for myself. It doesn’t make it any less debilitating.

This post is just on voices I could go on about the whole experience. But it rarely ever makes any sense. So as with “targeted individuals” while I can relate with the experience and can see it relate with other experiences as well (spiritual awakening “purging” “dark night of the soul” or Kundalini symptoms and “surrendering”ect) there is always that one piece missing. 

Who, How, and Why?

Targeted Individuals (pt2)

I’m really not be one for conspiracy theories. I do love a good fanatsy film but I’m not so sure about living one at this point.

I perused a few “targeted individual” forums on Facebook. There seem to be a lot of similarities between “ascension” or “kundalini” symptoms and the symptoms of “targeted individuals”. I have found connections between a LOT of the different beliefs or theories BUT not one answer as to WHY or WHO or HOW. 

Apparently some lady sue some guy for “electronic harassment” (you know that static in your ears or that voice in your head, ect) and won, but she found who it was I’m not sure how this applies elsewhere. I mean logically to me if a man is electronically harassing someone I (court of law) would figure out where he retrieved the technology to do so and regulate there. But that’s just me being logical in an illogical world.

So these are your average everyday folks who seem normal having not normal experiences. As I said schizophrenia is either suppose to be one percent of the world population (which is approx 72million). Which is a lot but not lot a lot when you add up people hearing the voice of god(s), psychics, ghost hunters, alien watchers, schizo’s, demonic entity attatchments, witches, time travelers and whatever else you can come up with.

Most seem to have some sort of religious connotation, but I guess with an experience like this one would def seek God.

In the forum a few people talked about the perverted experience of being a “targeted indivual” or MK Ultra or whatever. 

I blanked out the names but these are also public posts below.

There is a theme of perversion. Hard working people with families having to struggle with this type of experience. Both men and women fearing for their lives and their children as well. And dare I say unnecessarily. Fear base experiences that have nothing to do with the essense of that individual. Or even their true psychology.

I’m not one to dive deep into conspiracy theories….. But this is waaaaaaaaaay out of control. I actually don’t care what IT is…. But I do want this to cease and desist not only for me but for others as well.

There is always a carrot. If its not something or someone it is your own personal freedom. 

What causes one to have a better delusion than the other? What triggers it? 

Either way some of my findings on this sad sad SAD road to probably no where. 

Target Individuals

A guy from a forum read my story and suggested that I maybe experiencing “MK Ultra” or “Targeted Individual”. I have heard these terms in my research, but I am unsure how it applies.

I don’t know what I would have done to make myself a TI. I’ve done activist work in the past…. But nothing too serious. I mean if I was gonna be target back then would be the moment as I feel like a vet at this point. Not because I am but because things are complicated (aren’t they?) and I focused my attention on positive change.

At one point, I did feel very stalked, I was SUPER paranoid…. I thought my ex was telepathic mind control, curse, cosmic joke stalking me. I wasn’t “allowed” to go to area of NYC because those where his drinking places even my neighborhood of birth. I even thought his friends were stalking me, or gazing into a crystal ball viewing me or something. This in term made me check his Facebook and Instagram OD looking for clues. But it only fed the twin flame “story”. Same thing with using people from my job I had to quit. 

But once I stopped believing it was him (or anyone from my job), the images of his friends or a sense they were stalking me went away. 

While the “Entity” still uses my ex’s to insight some sort of feeling. I can say my ex is truly linked to this experience other than we dated for 6 months. But his image/voice is used to control.

Yes I hear the voice, the tones, the white noise constantly. I still get “third eye” visuals (which is different than my imagination), and strange sensations in my private areas, but also all over my body, head pressures, burning ect. And yes this voice, this “Entity”, will say ANY story to make my life unbearable or make me off myself (because apparently that’s not murder😒).

I can’t say what this is. Its not good…. That is for sure. Its not a test…. There is no prize at the end of the rainbow. No my ex is not coming back. This is not for a child (which is fucking gross). None of it. 

I don’t know what it is. And people seem to have these similar symptoms but different experience (which I could list from my research). Depends on your culture and belief (to an extent, because it will also drag you to new beliefs or story lines), but there are majored similarities.

So what do you do? What do we do? What do I do? To just live? I can’t see the point of all these people tripping balls. Its stopping any movements. Its clearly not stopping anything bad from happening. Its def not helping population control….. Sooooooo TF?

When will I or we be able to heal? 

Just one more theory to my insanity to tack on the list. 


Awake to Sleep

Sleep to dream.

This whole “awakening” feels more like a dream..   An awaken illusion…. A walking delusion. A separation from reality. What’s actually happening. What we actually try to create. Our true nature.

Wonder if awakening is is the opposite…. It is the shadow personified into our “reality” but more so our our mental reality. What we believe. Where alters lay in the back of our minds filled with dreams deferred and archetypes. 

And we render ourselves Gods when we have yet to slay the dragon of illusion and temptation.

Cause you don’t get what you want in the end. It was a mirage. There is always…. Something getting in the way of true happiness. Even if it is yourself. …. Or your shadow if you’ve had the purest of intentions.

Awakening? Just sleep walking. The veil lifted …. Opposite in in a world that is polarized by the north and the south? Eyes opened so the veil of lies can blind fold us to the true…. And distract us from seeing the beauty in a world that has so little.

How is it ascension when I feel I have fallen into the pits of despair? How is this awakening when my third eyes shows nothing but lies? How is this a lesson when it is based on distortion and lies?


Late night thought.

As much as I want to trust….. That everything is for the better. And in my previous post as I said before in others people are having all these strange “symptoms” mine just happens to have an annoying voice attached to it. 

And we are all sitting here thinking …. Or hoping it is for the better…. For humanity and upgrade….. 

Have you ever thought this is actually a de-evolution? 

I don’t feel any better….. I feel like shit actually. 

I’m not trying to come from a place of fear…. But just pose the question. I mean there is life….. Which is already hard to deal with and then there is ……. This.

I’m just trying to figure out if my head is the clouds or up my ass. 

I think its important look at this. I mean society isn’t getting any better. Cops are shooting black kids. Racists are trying to “make america great again”, people are hurting our children and for some strange reason there is still hunger in the world. 

And we try soooooooooo fucking hard to combat that …. Some of us. We do. We try to combat the poison in our environment, minds, bodies. And now at the same time we have to deal with these “symptoms” that are some how an upgrade?

And what if I eat too many cookies and forget to meditate …. Too bad upgrade gone?

The fuck is going on? 


I spoke with a woman from a group I’m in and she calmed me down a bit…. 
She is amazing and I will forever be grateful for her just listening…

(Side note: my skull just made cracking noise/ and feeling you know like sinus pressure…. False alarm the entity wanted me to think it was being released 😩😒)

After we spoke I wondered if there were other feelings….. I have heard that most every emotion stems from love or fear.

Its this or that… Or up or down… Black or whit….. And I’m like not just the in between…. Wonder if there are feelings we can feel completely outside of polarity? Ways of living that didn’t drive us to be disaligned?

That has nothing to do with conflicting each other? 

Its the fight? Right? The battle? The test of strength? Endurance? Survival of the fittest? And even the strongest of animals have become exstincted…. 

Wonder if there was a way that at best complimented each other? Harmonized….wonder if there was something better than harmonizing?

Duality…. There is a better way than duality. 

Things I’ve done to make it go away

  • Paid psychics for reading ($$$)
  • Paid a twin flame therapist.
  • Paid for dark entity removal to the enteral sun
  • Prayed
  • Read up on kundalini awakenings, twin flame, incubus, spirit husbands, ascension, aliens, dark entities, shadow work, mythology, pictured a white violet flame around me. 
  • Writing out the end of a soul contract
  • Cutting soul tie visualization 
  • Binary beats
  • Self hypnosis for higher vibrations
  • Paid for Akashic record hypnosis ($$)
  • YouTube stuff
  • Paid a psychic ($1,000) for removal of dark energy. 
  • Paid ($5,000) for going to the psyche ward.
  • Therapy
  • Friend paid a witch for a spell but she wanted me to do a blood sacrifice. ($$$)
  • Spiritual bath ($50)
  • Salt baths 
  • Bought crystals ($)
  • Prayed somemore
  • Prayed for the entity
  • Church
  • Wrote about it
  • Waited it out
  • Fought back mentally and visually until mental and physical exhaustion.
  • Complied with some of the entities demands in hopes that it would leave like it said it would.
  • I tried to meditate and remain calm.

And I’m tired. I’m done. I can’t do this alone. On a hood day its still terrible. My blood pressure is sky high. I feel every bit of noise in my body. I see faces of people I’ve never seen before. I cry when I wake up. Everything is hyper sexualize to the point of nausea. I thought that things were getting better but I don’t know what more to do. 


“​Your presence is contradicting your desire” some said to another member in a group. This really struck a cord because I realized that my current state of being grossly condridicts and misaligns with what I desire. 

In an ideal world I wouldn’t desire at all. I saw somewhere the trick is to, “not desire, without desiring to not desire.” Tricky huh? 

But I am human.

Currently I live with my family. I thought it would only be temporary so I could finally find a place with out roommates (roommate struggle is real). Only to be forced to quit my job, and help take care of my sister who had a stroke 24/7.  This is not what I pictured for my life at all. Its been difficult for me to adjust to 3 people telling me what to do (but that fam). I just feel stuck because I feel guilty. Because I could never leave them this way. I just want my sister to get better. Which is a huge part of my desire. But its life right?… Just when you think you have it in your palm everything desolves. The wants always seem to desolve and the “fears” ironically love to remain. 

Another huge part is my Twin Flame. I desire to be with him to be held. Its new for me to have this linger so long. I didn’t have a choice in loving him…. I just did. And when I tried to stop it he was there and when I accepted it he is gone. It hurts to desire him. It hurts. Even when I’ve tried to detatch myself from desiring him… There are echoes… That I’m afraid overflow my mind (usually not that of my own). I wake up and go to sleep thinking about him. And its crazy…. Because I genuinely want to let go. And let go all of it. 

My health has declined since my “kundalini awakening” my blood pressure is through the roof cause in stressed from hearing voices/ changing my reality, not knowing if the future will ever match my desires/ my essense, and jumping up out my sleep through out the night to help my sister. I desired to live in an environment that allowed to me to live the lifestyle that I found works best for me (no smoking, vegan, no/less sugar/moderate activity). I need to get back to the gym but my legs have been burning, and knocking and tingling so its for me to go back to running.  

Tears form again. Uhg I’m so tired of crying. I actually had a good day last night. My Soulmate took me out for mesuem and a diner. Which was appreciated because I needed to get out of the house.

But I guess so many of my desires are not aligned with my present situation. Its not to say I font find moments of clarity. Try to motive my self and my sister (she resists eating healthy and working out, its a lot of begging). 

Being thankful…. Is suppose to be somewhere in here. I hate feeling stationary. 

But we pray because in a way we desire for our circumstances to change. Right? 

The bible say, “The lord is my Shepard and I shall not want”, or like that whole desire quote above. I guess just flowing we can live (or always live in thanks). But when things are ripped from us …. We pray, we create plans, we make a wish, law of attraction, positive thinking, whatever to live the life we desire. 

Is it wrong? 

I’m trying to accept the here and now while making small steps to the life I want. And that is both my sister and I (whole family really), but for us to be healthy and a full recovery for my sister. I’ve heard of people recovering after year but I ….. Idk… That’s my first priority…. I can’t think past that other than my own list of to dos.

Law of Attraction During Kundalini

Just a thought. 

If someone has a really negative “Kundalini Awakening” and all these negative thoughts and triggers come up (whether it is ours or not, whether we have choice or not) how does this relate to law of attraction? 

Is it the “sub conscious” or the concious mind that attracts?

Does the “shadow” “sub conscious” mind express the opposite? 

It still brings experiences none the less. These negative experiences/ thoughts/ influences can turn our lives upside down. Trying to understand the point. 

Super Imposed

When I looked at some of the things that happened in my life. I realized that they were in some ways super imposed into my “sub conscious” by family members only to be played out and then taunted by this spirit. 

When I was a little girl my mother said, “you look like you will be a cheater“. Why she would say that to a young girl who doesn’t even understand cheating or sexuality I have no idea. 

I remember asking my Twin if he had ever cheated. He said he had before, I hadn’t, I wouldn’t say I never thought about it but I never did. 

When I broke up with my twin flame (because he was avoiding me on valentines day) I went on two dates one of which included “third base”. Once I realized it wasn’t who or what I wanted I went back to my twin flame a week and a half later. I never told him. Whichnwas wrong. It was a strange feeling to feel drawn to someone who didn’t treat me in the ways I was use to. It was confusing, frustrating…. But I tried to check myself from running away and going on a date every time he triggered me with his carelessness. 

Later (a year and a half later) the spirit/voice taunted me saying I was a cheater…. I guess because I didn’t wait long enough to go out with someone else… Or because I went back to my Twin Flame. I think most of all maybe because I didn’t tell him so he didn’t have a choice. 

You made your bed now lay in it. 

I mean he did the same thing in a way …. He said he waited a week (cause he figured I wasn’t coming back) before calling a girl from his job to hook up. The hook up didn’t bother me as much the not getting back together. That’s what really tore me up. 

I guess the moving on, was the difference. He hooked up/ moved on with the intention of not coming back. I hooked up to sooth a wound only to find he was both my poison and my cure.

Either way that’s a shitty foundation to build anything on. 

So that’s just one example of super imposed… Sub-concious stuff. 

My soul mate happened to be polygamous, but he was open and honest about it. I do not identify with poly as I prefer monogamy or at least building towards monogamy. I didn’t mind my soul mate being poly (it was just hard for me to think about it while living together, it was just a space issue.) 

But in terms of having loving, special relationships with other people we are attracted to for whatever the reason… I get. For me … Its just stops at sexual. But I also understand there are moments where that line may be blurred.

I guess this is just an example of something that is “programmed” into us for the “play” or “show” experience if you will. 

Because bla bla bla pain is your best teacher. I mean I get it… There is a pain in your body…say in your back… You notice it… Identify it… Go to the doctore or start doing yoga to relieve the pain … You learned about both the pain/ why and the solution. 

But I just don’t fully subscribe to this… I just don’t. I don’t think… Pain is our only teacher…

I can now see how fragile our spirits and subcouncious are to both environment and the words that are said to us. How we process that or even hold on to it. 

I don’t know if this is bull or not. But its just my thoughts anyway. 

The Power of Words

Do words have power? Or do we give them power? Does something else give them power? Meaning? 

I wrote earlier about how my father called his sister a dyke and would make fun of them only to find out I was queer some years later. I wonder if that affected “me”. But beyond that do we “curse” each other and ourselves with words? With out even knowing. Sending negativity to ourselves and others.

One of my coworkers had talked about having a “work boyfriend” and I had jokingly told my ex (“twin flame”) that, he was afraid to bring me to his job cause he didn’t want me to meet his work girlfriend. He laughed… I did too… I was totally joking. But after we broke up he apparently got into a relationship bwith someone at his job. Even though I was being silly, did I make this happen? 

Even though I didn’t see this a negative thing it did some how show its face again. Funny enough it didn’t really trigger me. What triggered me is that we weren’t getting back together. 

When I was a child, small small maube 5 years old before my mom had told me anything about my father. I watched a movie… I think it was “When harry met sally” or “Sleepless in Seattle”  one of those movies from the 80s and the woman professed that she didn’t want to have babies because she the world was scary or there were too many children in the world with out mothers or something like that. I remember hearing that and telling my mom that I wanted to adapt when I get older cause there were children with out mothers. Now that I have gotten my period for the first time and actually loved a man its kinda funny that this spirit come up saying “you are not a mother”. Did I curse myself? 

As a child I use to call my sister “crypol” only to be cute… her name is crystal… But recently my sister had a stroke and is unable to tend to herself. I currently take care of her along with my mother. Did I curse her? Was it my words at the age of 6 or 7 that did this? 

These are just a few examples of MANY ironic trials and tribulations that have popped up during my life. And that were accounted for. 

So is word more powerful than intention? Or is it interpretation? And by whom? 

People read the bible to be emersed in the word of God. To fill their cells with stories… The lessons. But I never read the bible fully and believe just the same…. Served just the same. So ….

Does keeping a positive mind help us dodge this ironic story being told? 

I believe in God…. I haven’t believed in prayer. That’s where I struggle in my faith. I never prayed for something before really. But I prayed for my sister to get better. I prayed. And then I stopped because the voice/spirit/ entity was distracting me too much.

I lack a discipline that has always accompanied me through out my life. I allowed it because I thought of myself as “creative” but and the more minor things were fine but major life things always seemed like something got in the way. 

Can one negative thought come true? In a sea of positive thoughts and actions?

In the essense of power of words I told the spirit to leave out loud. He didn’t. I prayed he didn’t. So all I can do now is try to heal from the pain that he has caused me. Pain that I thought was healed and dealt with. New pain..  Physical pain.