Why does it Hurt so bad?

I think one thing that is not talked about is the PAIN of schizophrenia/ Demonic oppression.

I mean the migraines, skull pressure or sucking, nerve pain, your body doing weird things, I actually projectile vomiting maybe 4 time since this has started (and I only puked 2 when I was drunk in my youth), tummy pains, stabbing pains that come out of no where, electrocution, brain zaps, body vibrating, burning sensation, genitals being tortured, being put to sleep or woken up when ever the Demonic Entities feel like it.

I mean these may manifest as, migraines or allergies or sciatica or frybromyalgia or seizures or insomnia. I think if I didn’t have the voices and the “hallucinations” I might have been endlessly searching for medical answers. But since I know my body and I know myself, I know what feels normal and what is not.

So far the healer I worked with alleviated the situation temporarily, the pain that was on my sciatic nerve moved back my head as migraines and jaw and facial pressure.

So the pain, the attachment has not been severed it has only moved.

I’m tired of being tormented, I’m tired of being in constant pain. I miss what it felt like before this attack.

Narcolepsy: Church

So was watching my church online like I do every Sunday (or Monday depending).

And all of a sudden the Entities knocked me out. Now the Entity woke me up at 3am and then at 12pm knocked me out mid sermon.

The Entities kept calling my pastor gay. Which I wouldn’t care if he was, but he’s not. And the Entities were trying to twist the word and Say Jesus worship is Satan worship. Which is another thing running around in the New Age/ Occult arena.

So it took me a while to figure out WHY these Entities were pushing me into Christianity in the beginning. In the beginning I believed in God above all things and Jesus as a teacher sent by God to teach us how to be better humans. However that is what the commandments are for. I did not believe that Jesus was ONLY PATH (new agey) and that he was God embodied to die for our sins, not so we can sin, but so we can be redeemed.

So I was an easy target for my ignorance.

The reason that these entities played God was so they could then disprove or then make it seem that there was no God or to make me lose faith in the feeling of abandonment as they torture me for the last 4 years.

It’s a simple bait and switch. My “spiritual journey” was at its essence trying to become closer to God and understand truth in this world of lies. And then my weird supernatural experience (caused by Entities /Demons) crossed with the crazy new age stuff I found online (which people think is spiritual) totally knocked me off my feet. And things got really confusing.

These demons are really out here trying to lure people further and further from God. To the point they are pretending to be God.

They will say they are the Voice of God or Jesus and then rape you energetically, torture you, take over your mind to the point you don’t know what is what, show you illusions so you keep running after something that essentially does not exist, because we want proof of something beyond us. Then make you feel as if God abandoned you and try to convince you there is no God.

And I’m like OK so the Demonic Entities that are TALKING TO ME, are trying to convince ME there is NO GOD. Lol how much sense does that make?

I mean the first fuck up was that they made was revealed themselves to me all. That was number one. And then THEY, these astral matrix-y demonic (acting) entities, are going to try to convince ME something doesn’t exist when in fact their mere existence was unfathomable in the first place?

It’s easy to get stuck in our immediate situation with these demonic entities. To think that is all there is. To constantly try to figure it out and blame it on new agey past life’s, karma, twin flames, not having our occult astral shields up, not doing enough witchy baths, government following you cause you went to a protest, not being of love and light…. some bs. Yea NO. And it’s easy to get into these concepts, when trying to figure out WHY AM I BEING ATTACK?!

I will be honest with you ANYONE can be attack. Sinner, the righteous, Good, bad and in between. What only truly furthers our attacks is IGNORANCE.

The lack of truth. Some of which we may never figure out and need to come to peace with that. We aren’t meant to know all the secrets of the universe lol because then that would make us God. And we are not God or Gods as much as we would like ourselves to be.

So be at peace with not knowing everything. Enough was revealed to us to know what these things are and that they attack who ever. Even Jesus in the desert for 40 days, and he is Holy!! That is how bold these demons are, they attacked the son of God, in hopes he would weaken.

So why not us?

Or a lot of us…… not all.

So know this. All of these theories. While they can help in the absence of faith to have something to cling to…… they can be VERY detrimental in the fact they can be skewed, twisted, ever evolving to get us to the point there is no God. The word of God is unmoving (well for the most part, minus slavery and stuff, BUT it says in the Bible that it must not be altered and those who did so at any point in time will face severe consequences).

You know what’s funny, is that I actually think a lot of the technologies that Target Individuals talk about exist in some fashion. I guess my point is that more likely they are NOT using it on you. Bob next door does not have DARPA weapons aimed at you and follow you everywhere you go.

But the devil knows how to get you worked up enough to think so. If you cant see through the lies then we are definitely doomed.

Man all I wanted to do is watch a sermon this morning. And I’m out here on my internet soap box.

False Teachings: Kundalini, False “Awakenings”, Ascension… The New Age 🙄

So this was a comment on a video I was watching. I can attest to the false and misleading teachings.

Again I slipped into New Age trying to find God for me. And trying to figure out why I was having “supernatural” experiences, And just found some wacky stuff. But at the heart of it there was some…… idk truth to the matter but it is only meant to suck you in even deeper.

So while I might not see the “serpent going up my back” I have seen snakes in the “astral” and I have seen these other things placed over the forehead that represents the 3rd eye.

One time I was walking down the street, neck deep in the thick of this experience. And a old school (but young) psychic woman stopped me on the street. She said she had something to tell me. And I went to her apartment. She said I had a “tear in my aura”, 🤯🙄🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️ (okie dokie) she pulled some cards and asked me what do I think the blindfold represents. For some reason I said protection (and I know how to read tarot unfortunately). In that moment the blindfold for me meant protection and keeping us from seeing certain things.

I don’t know if God removed “the veils” from my eyes, but the way the Entities try to cover them is COMPLETELY different than the way I have lived my life over the last 30 summin years. Like I can actually see a black patch in front of my eyes. It’s subtle enough to not completely ruin my physical vision. But still there. This black patch (or attachment) creates visions illusions dreams. And when they remove them when they feel like it, I can see them (be it real astral or an illusion) something is there and or something put something there. So this aspect developed in 2017 a year after hearing the voices. Seeing the entities would scare anyone. Seeing Troll/Demon/ Reptilian, Alien heads Floating around, Praying Mantis, it’s uhhhh not fun. I mean some may think it’s fun but it gets old real quick. Especially once you realize you don’t really have much control over the experience.

I wasn’t even deep into yoga. Just went to two classes with my coworkers to have a “healthy lifestyle”. I’m not gonna lie I enjoyed the strengthening aspect of yoga and stretching areas that normally would not get attention. But honestly in my process of elimination I have no problem letting that go as well.

Like as much as people want to deny it SOMETHING IS UP and A LOT of people are feeling it one way or another.

I mean to me the 3rd Eye is a light receptor. That is my take. Super Natural or not, I don’t think anyone would see the “supernatural realms” if these entities were not in VERY close proximity. Like I saw sparkles when I was younger but that is an attack from a further range by an entity. But if the entity is close by (at least for me personally), you might see black shadows, actual entities, get pain in the body.

Entities as I keep reiterating in this blog , from my observations, are made up of light, light can apparently have consciousness and through their own consciousness they can create illusions with the light that they are. That is the best way I can describe it.

Some want to play with these realms and do you boo, but not me. At best I want to release myself. And that’s been my goal ever since this stuff started.

But it has been interesting putting together some of these concepts together. At least I have SOME understanding of my spiritual oppression.

Entities in the Children’s ER

So I’m with my Godson at the children’s ER because he might have the flu that has been going around.

He was sleeping and I was on my phone bullshitting and maybe an hour into the situation I felt something release from my booty (I have been feeling this weird booty energy release for a while now, pause, it’s not a fart, I have also felt this same release on my upper back/shoulder and it’s been on my right side. So a lot of pain and pressure on the left a lot of releasing on the right). So this happened and I forgot OH YEA IM DEMONICALLY OPPRESSED!

So I scanned the room to see what was up and there were the energy fields of entities on his bed and the empty baby bed in the room.

Once it saw that I saw it it shot into my right eye. But I could still see the energy mass sparkling and floating around at the foot of the bed.

Now while my godson was in the cab to the hospital he was complaining about a headache, like a really bad headache and he had a fever. And for me when the entities connect to my head i can normally get fevers and migraines. Not always together but most of the time. Like right now I have a migraine no fever. But often I do.

So I scanned his skull region to see if there was anything, and I surprisingly I did not see anything. This was prior to going inside the hospital.

So there is nothing attached to his body directly to his upper body. But there seems do be something attached to his lower legs.

Then there are other entities attached to the foot of the bed that were going wild that I saw them. My bed has entities all around them. If you think about it a bed is when we are the most vulnerable so it would make sense that that is their top favorite place. (Bathroom is probably second in my guess, cars 3rd)

So it’s saddens me SO DEEPLY that even innocent children are fair game for these Entities. But if you think about it that is how they indoctrinate us into their sick games. From a young age. We just don’t know it.



Trying not cry about how fucking gross this planet is. 🥺😭🤢🤮

Observation: Narcolepsy 🥱😴

So an an observation that has been for a while but I wasn’t sure if I could call it this was Narcolepsy.

Now I’m not saying everyone with Narcolepsy is demonically oppressed or anything.

At first I thought some of it had to do with my medication.

But after long observation and double checking my situations, even when I wasn’t on meds. I would have to say this is definitely Entity related.

Most times I won’t fight it. And I never mad a big deal out of it because most of the time I would rather sleep than deal another day with these demons.

However the first time I noticed the “narcoleptic” aspect of this schizophrenic demonic experience is when I was working with a healer. And we would write long emails back and forth.

And the entities did not want me talking to her, for whatever reason. So I was in the middle of an email fully awake and rested and they made me so tired right in the middle of the email that I had to lay down. This happened once more before I was able to finish the email. AN EMAIL YALL!

Passing me out and taking away my sovereignty for a fucking email!

Now the flip side to this same coin of making me fall asleep whenever is also waking me up when ever. So I RARELY unless I am super tired AND took anxiety meds will I sleep straight through a night like I use to.

So I have broken sleep. Waking up two or more times a night and a bunch of REM cycles. Never going into deep healing sleep.

This is what actually got me obsessed with taking Benadryl. I was either up because of the voices or passing out for short periods of time so they can play DreamWorld in my consciousness. I thought they were trying to keep me from deep sleep for a reason and I desperately wanted to just feel rested. So I ODed on Benadryl/Unisome a couple of times trying to get to deep continuous sleep.

A couple of times now more recently which moved me to write this post was that anytime I study the Bible, or listen to people who came out of the new age testify, I have been getting zonked out by the Entities.

So a lot of it has been trying to block me from spirituality it seems in some way. At least for me. Anytime I’m doing something spiritual, email to a healers, church, listening to testimonies online, they will just zonk me out. And I honestly don’t fight it. I fight a LOT of things in this experience, but sleep lower on the list.

It’s not just about the sleep. It’s about not having control over my mind and body. I can’t sleep when I want or how long I want, I can’t stay up when I want. Like I have no control of when these sensations come over my body. It’s just like the pain feelings I feel in my leg or migraines that I KNOW is the entities because I have felt them go away when I mention them (but then come back).

It’s like whatever is causing this pain or feeling or sensation is a scared little etheric animal that doesn’t want to get found out and any time I shed light on it with my thoughts it’s swims away, but then comes back when I’m not thinking about what a piece of shit it is.

That’s how they work. Mental (loud voices or suggested “subconscious thought”), Emotional (a feeling that is rationalized by a thought (mental) or vice versa), Physical (pain, sensations, exasperated medical conditions, fatigue etc).

So like for instance they can make you feel love, love for them ….. YUP. And if you want to be a fucking idiot proceed. But nah! I had maybe 3 new agers have the NERVE to tell me I am in love with these entities, are 👏 you 👏 fucking 👏 kidding me?! 👏👏And these are the same New Age assholes that tell you to “love and light” your enemy and the darkness and all this shit WHICH I did in the beginning out of pure desperation to stop being raped by them. I rationalized with them! I told them that we could work together for good! Anything else other that raping me all day and showing me visions of child abuse and incest stuff.

But IN LOVE nah! I don’t know where these people were getting their information from but it’s a lie and they are really fucked up.

I am really going off topic here.

I guess my main thing is just not feeling like I have control over my body. Like are these entities walking my body outside and in front of traffic. No. But they are passing me out, waking me up, causing pain and suffering, that redirects what I would normally do. So just like feeling pain in my head or leg every time I’m about to go outside, again trying to keep me from doing something.

Or, passing me out so I can’t write an email, or reading books ahead of me and scrambling the words so I can’t read fast and it frustrates me so I stop. Making my legs hurt so I can’t take long walks like I use to and lose weight. Or causing a migraine that makes it difficult to even complete tasks.

Not having full control over my body is not something I am use to. Like regular I stubbed my toe pain ok, but like this shit they are causing to prevent me from doing anything but take a piss I am over it.

I honestly don’t understand why God won’t just wipe these Demons out! Why allow them to have any privilege of authority to a body? Or a mind? And convince people to do bad things? It really doesn’t make sense to me.

I gave my life to God and it’s like God is saying NOPE. If I would have believe these demons were God, like they said they were, my suicide attempts would have been successful.

This is all really fucked up. And I see all these other people getting forgiven and saved from these demons. But not me.

It’s like SUPER depressing.

I feel Numb

Not numb emotionally, like my body has this sensation of numb all over. But certain parts.

Like the right side of my face and the left side of my thigh and my right big toe. My right arm.

I woke up to this strange sensation. I was a bit manic the night before the voices woke me up at 3am as usually but I just decided to stay up and then go to my friends house in the morning.

When I came back home I took a Gabapentin to go to sleep and ensure I would stay asleep during the middle of the night. While Gabapentin doesn’t help on a regular bases it does help stop “manic episodes” of sleeplessness and ensures I will stay asleep. As I stated in this blog before, I’m not sure why, but sleep is SUPER important to me. I use to be someone who didn’t sleep much #teamnsleep prior to schizophrenia.

But now I need a lot of rest to face another day of entities attacking me I whatever way they choose to for that day.

Anyways so I slept pretty good. Woke up this morning but feeling this numb but almost light buzz feeling in my body.

So I’m documenting it. I’m not sure if it’s medical or spiritual. Even though I know both intertwine, spiritual sensations can be an illusion. So if I feel like I’m having a brain aneurism or seizures because I’m being attacked by Entities, and I go get an extensive brain scan (which I did) and they say all is fine. Its difficult to navigate what is a real concern or symptom vs what is not an illusion. And now I can’t play like I use to and go to the doctor for everything because my insurance changed and a lot is coming out of pocket.

Soooo fuck that.

Anyway so this numb feeling is strange and difficult to describe. I still hear frequencies around me. I still see the watery mosey Entities around me. I’m just not sure what’s going on with my body because I can’t see myself fully objectively.

Like I could see my godson one time and he said he didn’t feel good (noted in this blog) he said he had a headache and tummy hurt. And prior to that he was acting SUPER emotional. And I wasn’t sure what was going on I just had regular earthly concerns. I didn’t think these little fucking devils would actually attack a child. BUT THEY DO! And I scanned his body with my eyes and I saw a blue or purple entity right on the top of his head. Practically tap dancing on his shit! And I had to talk to a healer friend who said he had a devil and I had one too but he was unsure of where it came from. I know about my own clearly. I hear, see, feel them all the time, but a child?!

Anyways so this numb feeling has me a tiny worried not gonna lie. Like I’m like did these demons destroy my nervous system attacking me so much that my nerves are LITERALLY SHOT?

Idk. Just documenting.

Observation: False Fear (and other emotions) caused by entities. 👽👻💩

So while I am all about feeling your feels. I also want to touch on false emotions caused by demonic entity oppression.

The easiest instance that I can explain is that entities have watched and observed us collectively or individually enough to mimic our emotions. The good news is that they don’t do it very well.

Often I think the easiest emotions are anxiety or depression. Now this does NOT mean that someone can not suffer from anxiety or depression. I mean we all have moments that worry us or sadden us. That is natural what is not natural is when we do not feel connected to them. Often the entities will pretend to be self talk in order to excuse the emotion that they place with in us. Again this can be anger, anxiety, depression, fear, jealousy, sexual attraction and even LOVE.

J worked through a lot of the anxiety and depression. I know who I am and was able to discern quickly that something wasn’t right even though I didn’t have language or examples to connect to. So when I felt anxiety I breathed through it because often it was a more physical emotion, like a beating in my chest accompanied by racing thoughts. Mimicked depression is more subtle. I think despite my situation I have done a lot of work to keep a balance with in the situation. I allowed myself to soothe myself as I experienced this unimaginable experience. I blogged, made art, watched my favorite movies, stayed away from triggers until I was ready to face them.

I did what I needed to do to stay in my sweet spot of calm while this horrific experience unfolded around me. I was fortunate. But I know others are not. Many face homelessness, living with unsupportive people, the stress of daily life, work …. kids etc. so I know it’s not easy to really sit back and observe the situation if you don’t even have the time to do that due to life.

I think the easiest example I can explain this (which I have mention in this blog) is that at times the Entities will reveal themselves to me either in space (floating) or in my mind (eyes). The times that they have done this they would say my name or word suddenly and jolt/electrocuted my body or my chest to make it seem like I was scared of them when I saw them. I’m honestly not scared. I might be naturally startled, but scared and in the extreme feeling they try to create nope. Like they are literally acting like deranged psycho kids trying to scare me. And this is mostly due because I won’t give them the emotions or the play like I use to so now they are going on divergent levels of physical pain.

So that is an example of False Fear. I have been seeing the Entities for a couple of years now so I’m not scared of them. If anything I was curious because I thought I could figure out how to make them go away. But that was a fruitless endeavor for me. All I can do is discern and see them and document and share the information I have observed.

I don’t think people understand how every cell in my body screams when they are connected to me or around me. Like it almost literally feels like trying to squish multiple spirits in a body like a suit case that is overflowing. My cells and muscles make a crunching, snapping or release sound sone times when I stretch because there are smaller entities are attached.

It’s like being hooked up to an EKG or something, like the larger entity has all the multiple smaller entities attached to different parts of your body to give you the full on matrix virtual feeling but they are a miss. And their attachment hurts, essentially in the head.

So when you are say worried that a loved one hasn’t called you, (which is natural), the entities will take it a step further and exasperated the worry and the feeling and start saying things to like, “they are mad at you”, “something happened to them” and if they are attached to your eyes show you images/visions of your loved one harmed.

I’m not sure WHY THEY DO THIS! But they are relentless! I mean I honestly don’t understand why this entities haven’t gone away. I mean they are literally beating a dead horse.

And it sucks because I have to be SUPER MINDFUL of my emotions. Like if it’s an overwhelming feeling, for example they will give an emotion like I am in love with them which is FAAAAAAAAAAR from any time of truth, I will recognize it as what it is and let it roll by, what until it’s over, and KNOW that that feeling is false. But sometimes ones like depression or self loathing can be more difficult to shake. Like a week or so ago I literally felt the false emotion of depression/sadness and it took upmost The Who day to shake it and it didn’t go away until I mentioned it to a healer friend. Like I felt the release and it left my body, and my body just relaxed in a way I can’t fully explain to you.

So, be aware of your feelings, if you actually connect with it or if what the trigger might have been, ground yourself in reality and speak the positive in your mind (because worrying won’t change the situation and you won’t know what to do until you know), pray, and don’t give these demonic entities anything!

Observations: A rumble in the “astral plane”

So this is another observation I wanted to document. This one has been happening for years, but I just never documented it as I wasn’t too sure.

I’m still not sure but I figured I would document it.

So, for years now (maybe 3 out of the 4 years I have been under attack), I have heard this space rumble noise in my field. At first I thought it was from the train (it’s not cause the train is so deep down in the subway you can’t even hear it outside), I thought it was my body because in the beginning it would make my body shiver or convulse. I mean my body is pretty sensitive now to sound, light, feelings etc. I dont think this a good thing but because the entities are attached. I think entity attachment makes your senses more sensitive so they can communicate with you. Like I was so sensitive I felt an earthquake in NYC that no one in my family felt and thought I was making shit up until the news said that there was. I mean even I thought maybe it was a strong “space rumble”, but it didn’t feel the same.

So I really tried to check myself on this aspect of this “space rumble noise”.

I have not noticed it at my friends house or other places I go. I have only noticed it in my families house.

I see entities energy and see them moving through space in what ever form but I have not noticed any voice or entity/energy movement in association with the “space rumble noise”.

I have eliminated other possible facts that would lead me to believe it’s just a house sound.

I tend to hear it the most in my room and in the bathroom, as if something (maybe a larger entity I can’t see or something beyond what I can see) is moving back and forth between these two spaces. I’ve never heard it in my parents room or even the living room. It seems to be something between my room and the bathroom (and maybe the kitchen a few times 🤷🏻‍♀️).

Again I’m not sure exactly what it is and I have no solid proof. My assumption is that it may be the entity that is projecting the smaller entity (worker bees) that the attach to me. As I said before in other posts, from what I have seen “astral” entities are like fractals. The can unfold/project themselves as many or as one. Down to the smallest aspect like a actual parasite (worm/snake) looking one. Otherwise the snake or worm would be used to say create the outline of their eyes (something I have seen).

With light they can look like anything to us. Or they can choose to hide in the shadows…. which would look like the blackest black to us in our minds eye. They have even used this blackest black to cover my eyes so I didn’t see them in full. But take it off to create dreams made out of whatever light they have left (my assumption that is why they are bothering me, but could be a new age lie).

So a whole entity is comprised of MANY larger, medium and small or even microscopic (which can go into your eyes to create visions) entities that can unfold itself. They are in constant communication (hive mind) and work together in some sort of self preserving ecosystem.

Again I have not been able to really pin point the rumble. I think asked my twin sister one time if she could hear it and she could, but my mom did not.

I took pictures of my sister while she was asleep and saw the same entities on my sister that I saw on me. I did not see the same on my mother. Which was interesting. My sister had a stroke, around the same time I was attacked (or became “schizophrenic”) but my sister hasn’t manifested any signs of schiz Thank God! That on top of multiple disabilities would fucking suck!

I believe the Entities caused my sisters stroke. But I can’t prove that. Other than their “foretelling the future” which i believe they create. I know they create pain and heart palpitations in my body. What is to say they wouldn’t hurt someone else who is less healthy.

I fucking hate them. Pieces of shit! Really.

I swear they better be glad I can’t touch them!

So this rumble makes me think there is another level to this bullshit that I can’t see right now. I honestly don’t care for this experience anymore I just want it gone but I just document here. It’s good for me to go back over time and see if there is any progression in my situation.

I try to maintain a balanced view of the situation an weed out anything that is not a reoccurring part of my experience.

I also hope to help anyone else who is experiencing this bullshit. I never asked for this and I have honestly tried to be the best human I could be. But apparently that doesn’t keep you from experiences like this.

But even that whole “they are attracted to your light” thing is probably a new age lie. Like I have spoken to christians and occultist and new agers….. hinduist….. conspiracy theorist and atheist alike who experience this bullshit. They just all have their own theory or belief. But the underlying commonality is that IT IS happening.

Anyway I’m over it!

Observation: Quiet Voices (Migraines)

These are only my observation on my situations. They may or may not evolve. But I usually wait a while before calling it an observation. It needs to happen more than hand full of times. If it helps someone great! If not then your experience if different than mine. I have had people suggest so many different tactics to addressing/remedying this situation (that has worked for them) that has not panned out for me.

So one of my observations is that when the voices are quieter (meaning not an outside voice overlaying TVs etc) I tend to have a pain of sorts. Usually a migraine or maybe even sciatica, belly pains, etc. It is like the voices when I deem as entities are closer to me or merged with my body (be it physical or etheric) in some way.

I have also cross checked this in my photos. So I would have a migraine or sorts and then take a photo and I can definitely see one of the entities attached to my head. (It’s harder to see belly and other body parts, but not impossible). I might see an entity with a head in the middle and many smaller skull/heads in a circle around it. They kind of look like spiders with an alien head on it. And they use these straw or horn looking things to attach. I might even see one ON my forehead or above my head. Some time there are different entities involved but those seem to be the most common.

So these entities give me migraines and make my head hot. I have at times maybe didn’t realize that this “migraine” was coming on and found myself slowly becoming irritated and as soon as I was like migraine= entity attachment, in my mind, I felt a release of sorts. Like they would go away for a short moment and then come back.

It’s super odd, I know.

I have not heard any particular name for these alien spider looking things. I mean I can see where they might be seen as astral spiders or astral octopus (because of the head). But neither hits the description on the head. Like the reptilians I have seen were pretty straight forward. The praying mantis were pretty straight forward even with the masks they wore. The teddy bear looking trolls (that are some how associates with a lotus or flower they sit on), I haven’t heard of anything associated with them either. Although I had one friend who said she fainted at a parade and her friend was with her and a shaman took a Smokey teddy bear out of her back. And her friend saw it. She has no other information on it other than her friend saw the shaman pull it out of her back and was told not to worry. As a side note I never told her anything about what I saw.

A thought that just came to mind is maybe these entities bother me because I can see them. Idk, maybe I am a mirror of sorts. Like they can’t see themselves otherwise. When I first started seeing them their eyes were kind of loop sided and then when I made fun of them (my only defense in the constant rapes I endured by them), I saw that they actually fixed their eyes from floating all over the place.

Again as much I would like to believe this is ALL just my mind making this stuff up, I can’t see how logically my mind would make up something I’m not really into it believed in and then respond accordingly. Again I just realized the eye thing. So it’s not like I told my mind to fix the eyes. I would just kept making fun of them.

I mean I might be making some stuff up in my mind when I look at photos, I’m taking everything in and then filtering it out. I question myself and these Alien head spiders seem to be the most consistent thing. And they are apart of an ecosystem of other entities that come and go as they please.

I’m honestly over studying them and observing them. I just want them gone. I’m ready to move on with my life although I wonder if I will ever truly heal from a traumatic experience like this. Idk if I will ever be healthy again, if I will like my body again after it has failed me.

Work it out! 🏋🏻‍♀️

I’m at this place …… it’s like being at a crossroad and not knowing where to go.

I want to go to the gym and be healthier. I want to get back on my health journey game BUT honestly schizophrenia/ entity oppression physically HURTS. I don’t think many talk about this aspect. I think most just talk about hearing stuff, or seeing stuff even feeling. But from my survey many struggle with migraines because of this, others different forms of fibromyalgia. Migraines being one of my biggest issues, and currently sciatica on top of it.

I a had a healing session, and she said that I had something on my back. NOW I went to her about these nasty voices, but instead after the session my leg was like 75% better some days 90%. I mean it was BAD before I didn’t even want to move. Now I did not expect these results at all. Which again makes me question everything. Like how was she able to remove something off of me and then I felt better physically.

She explained that what she noticed is that “empaths”, tend to feel “energy” or entities more physically. Something along those lines.

Either way I really want to get back to riding my bike all over the city, and dance class, and creating the body I want to live in.

I have the means to eat the way I want to and detoxify which I plan to do in the new year. But this experience got me sooo tired. Another thing that people don’t talk about with schizophrenia/ entity oppression is the fatigue. Meds just make it worse to be honest but with or without meds I am extreme tired and or fatigued for no reason. The healer said I was completely depleted. And I never told her about my energy levels.

I am weary of healers cause you never know who is real or fake and what they are actually working with. But again I have to try at least.

My next step is really trying to get back to my health journey. And get the fuck out of this “spiritual” one.

I am working hard to heal. To be better. I don’t want to just stay on SSDI and be schizo for the rest of my life. Like this shit is not fun. Although I am constantly working on my joy to combat this experience.

So part of my issue/ fear is that this experience being oppressed by entities makes it really difficult to be as active as I want to be. I mean I was pretty much catatonic for 1-2 years of this 4 year experience. I gained a lot of weight from not being active, poor diet and medication. Some meds I feel made me sooooo hungry. Like I could not stop eating and then add depression eating into the mix. I was trying to find pleasure in food since I was having a non pleasurable and scary experience. And where I would personally would have made healthier options I didn’t have money or much of a choice in the food options available to me.

So I have to figure out how to get back to me. Eating meat is not for me. My body doesn’t respond well to a meat based diet. I honestly thought that maybe my brain glitches out because I wasn’t eating meat. Like maybe I wasn’t getting fats or proteins my brain needed. But alas I have been eating meat for 4 years and that has not made a difference in my experience. I’m not even militant about not eating meat as I try to respect peoples culture. So if I am invited to someone’s house I will not be rude about the food they prepare. However in my own practices I will not prepare meat.

So diet I’m cool with. But this pain and fatigue is a LOT. I’m not sure how to handle it. And it comes and goes now so there is no really knowing when or what will trigger it.

I use to walk the length of Manhattan with ease just browsing the city and finding cool things. But now I can only make it a few blocks which is more than before.

This healing process is slow and just when I think the coast is clear something else pops up. So “hallucinating” on top of physical pain (which may be directly related to the pain) and general fatigue from the experience is a lot!

But I’m trying my best. I really am.

I guess I say this because some people on Instagram and FB think working out is good for mental health. And I’m not saying it’s now. But you really have to be in a mental/physical space to actually engage that. You have to have certain principles. Motivation.

My motivation is healing and joy. And that looks like strengthen my bonds and my faith and what makes me me.

I can’t say I can honestly engage a gym or any form of working out with out wondering if I’m legit going to die. Like my migraines be so raw I feel/ think I’m going to have a brain aneurysm. Or a stroke. Or something else fucked up. So I’ve been trying to take it easy and just be on the easy side of life. Cause life already hurts.

But it’s definitely a goal of mine. I’m trying to get there. And this isn’t about being fat or anything. But being happy. I was happy fat once, living with my ex and just in pure love bliss. But now I am on my own. And I like working on my body and understanding it and listening to it. So health comes in many forms.

Also people don’t really talk about what it’s like to lose weight and still feel big. Like the fat girl never went away for me. I was always trying to shrink myself. Be courteous as if my fat was an inconvenience to everyone else around me. That never went away when I lost weight. There is also the culture shock of people hitting on you more. Again part of the shrinking of self and not wanting to be seen. At least for me. Still tugged on my shirt to make sure it didn’t show my belly. Lot of habits and mind sets to unlearn while losing weight. It’s not an easy process. And just because I want to be on a weight loss journey does not mean I am not pro fat. I am also pro mind your own fucking business and stop commenting on people’s bodies like you actually care cause you don’t. Fatphobia has definitely come to the forefront especially with the whole Lizzo thing and it’s like we need to talk about it but I see all these “athletic” people jumping in on the conversation saying fat is unhealthy and people need to lose weight. And all kinds of fatphobic shit…. and it’s like really tired. Especially since they are commenting on other people bodies and don’t realize they are just repeating taking points that they heard which and mostly untrue and covered in the false sense of concern, which just comes off as problematic and body shaming.

We can talk about physical health. Just like we talk about mental health. 1. Not everyone has the same situation or ability so just saying diet and exercise is not a valid talking point. 2. If people want to educate others ON health matters just as nutrition or exercise then that’s cool. (Again but one size does not fit all). Also factor in mental health issue and or medications. Factor in economics/income and food accessibility. There are so many factors. 3. Take a look at yourself and realize you are a bully and not a health guru. These assholes on the internet are just spewing a distaste/hate for fat bodies again there is no real concern to health but aesthetics. It was really about health they would honestly be targeting everyone, as health matters affect everyone (of all shapes, sizes and creeds). You can be thin and eating crap and totally unhealthy. So again this aesthetics and not actual health.

Either way my ranting is over for the night.

Merry Christmas and shit!!!! ❤️🤦🏻‍♀️