Any time I pray I get attacked

Any time I pray I get attack with some new fresh hell…..

I will spare you details because it would be like spreading it but it’s it’s in in the same themes they always have sexual perversion.

I prayed for my sister cause she hasn’t been feeling well like before she had the stroke. And I got scared. And I don’t know if it’s really her health or these demons attacking her.

I snuck a photo of here and saw a long parasite wrapped around her stomach and something glowing on the eye she had surgery on.

She eats healthy ish, lots of salads and fruits …….. but it’s a lifestyle change she would need like a full detox and it’s drastic and I know she’s not going to do that or listen to me m. I just prayed and put in Gods hands and asked the one true God to let me know if there is anything I can do to assist my sister. Because the demons blamed me for my sister stroke. Said “you couldn’t even save your sister.”

So this morning the demons gave me a really bad dream involving my sister 😭😭😭😭😭😭😳😳😭😳😭😭😳😳😭😭😭😳😳😳😳😭😭😳😞 and I hate my life and kind of just waiting to die really.

Just waiting to die.

I know it’s not me or my subconscious mind or any of that shit. It’s a demon. Or many…. but I’m just waiting to die and I’m going to keep on being a tattle tale until that day comes.

So yack yack yickity yyack yack!

Fucking nasty assholes pieces of shit.

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10 Commandments: Adultery 😞

So……………… my friend said she had a vision God is coming back and I guess I wonder because of this experience what commandment I was breaking. I know I don’t hold sabbath, I say OMG a lot, and I had sex out of wedlock. So I was ready for that part.

But I guess I was really thrown back that prostitution, homosexuals, porno, masturbation where thrown in with child molesters, pedos and bestiality, and people who fuck corpses.

Like………. that shit made me so sad.

Like it made me wonder if that’s why these Demons Mantis’ called me a child molester because it’s all lumped in with the same things.

I know God doesn’t see a rank in sin just sees SIN but if that’s the case call me a murderah?

My ex who was a trans man (soul mate- not false twin flame) was the love of my life thus far. I never felt love like that. Respect. Old school love, open the door for you, dance in the middle of the kitchen to 90s r&b music love ……… the love you thank God for and his momma for having him kinda love. The love where no one else is the room in a crowd full of people kind of love.

But it’s a sin?

So currently I’m not sexually active 1.5 years (it’s a lot for m give me some credit) technically 2.5 year but whatever, I guess we can count that 2 time in 2 week in 2016 as a do over. Whatever.

Either way I’m not now cause everyone sucks. Mostly all the dudes I dated were jerks and THAT is NOT my fault.

Anyways I’m super sad that being Gay is considered a commandment sin and lumped in with pedos. 😥

And now I don’t know what to do with my life……………..

how do you ungay? De-queerify?

It’s still a part of who I am or was even if I don’t practice and I still strongly believe in rights and respect for the LGBT community so ……. I’m at a loss.

I told myself that I my gender and sexual orientation was Angel cause I’m tired of these disappointing relationships. I can be content with plutonic relationships. But then I heard some where that these demons try to trick you into chastity so they can keep you out of love and continue to control and torture you. 😞

As I said before I don’t feel right dragging anyone into this. I mean I have to live the fact that I unknowingly may have dragged my family into it but now knowing I don’t want to make any moves until I feel clear.

Sleeping beauty 😴

I had told my doctor that the meds aren’t working BUT I had taken a bunch of sleeping meds and the voices got quieter. He was concerned I was trying to commit suicide I told him NO but I just didn’t want to be conscious for the YUCK thoughts and it’s exhausting to have so many convos going on.

Two tv and three convos.

So he changed my meds to 100mgs of Seroquel 😳 . I was against seroquel cause I saw what it did to my ex BUT I took it and WOA it was more powerful than the sleeping meds but still difficult to STAY asleep.

But the voices are not happy about this seroquel stuff. I personally don’t like feeling high……. like yea it’s cute for like a second when your like ooooo I feel wavy then I feel sick usually after so any of this is me trying to get rid of the voices purely……. not get high or sleepy… I would rather be riding my bike around the city hanging out with friends.

So we will see, this is a powerful medication….. it knocked me off my ass…….. so I will see we can knock these voices out as well.

Gotta try all avenues.

Too Dope: Dopamine and Possession

800px-D-DOPA

 

So I will be 1000% honest and say I have taken WAAAAAAY too much sleep medication (specifically Diphenhydramine HCl 25 – 50 mg)  I could stay up for days if I didn’t listening to these assholes. I’m not addicted (an addict would say that wouldn’t they?) but I have cut out caffeine and cut back on sugars and I am always working on being at my zero point of a calm place. Which I am used to functioning in high-stress situation so been working on that too and TRYING TO go to sleep at night. but the voices ALWAYS wake me up around the hours of 3am – 5am depending on what time I go to sleep.

So my first question was WHY were these voice keeping me from last stages of deep sleep where the body restores and balances itself. And there is your answer. When you don’t get enough deep sleep you start to feel dizzy and cranky and other health issues can arise.

Now that I get my sleep I have yet more question(s).

  1. I have photos (also here in this blog) where people and I can see beings (entities: shadow beings, demons, mantis, mantids, reptilian, shape-shifters) in my photos. So these beings exist… whether or not if they are “real” is questionable and depends on the end of the means in which they have access to us as humans.
  2. Antipsychotic meds are known to BLOCK dopamine (D2). How is this interacting with the sleep aids AND the entities?
  3. Dopamine: Sleep Aids increase dopamine in the brain. Why when I take Sleep Aids the voices get quieter? They also start to make less sense, whereas I can still function normally. They will also stay quiet for days after taking a large dose of diphenhydramine.

Number 3 is a MAJOR question. Do they need my brain at full capacity to function properly? Which is why they don’t want me to sleep for long periods of time (2 hours max)?

What is happening to my brain that I can function fine but they are saying crazy stuff. I won’t be able to do it justice but as I was falling asleep one yelled something like “The CAKE HAT HAD A HORSE OUTSIDE”, and I was like HUH?! and I think even one of the other voices were like WTF? this wasnt the first time that has happened.

I also would feel releases in my body …….. specifically on my left hip/tailbone, tugging on my back, release like a band from around my stomach, pulling suction feeling on the top of my head. But never a FULL COMPLETE release at the same time. because they are often made up of many different parts or more specifically many smaller entities.

A friend of mine said that when she has a few drinks the voices go away for her. But when I have a few drinks they actually get louder and I end up cussing the voices out in my head like a drunk 5 year old.

If what I am doing is bad for me…. why does it feel like its the right thing to do unless they are tricking me. Worse case scenario I am getting some sleep BEST CASE, it’s assisting in releasing the Entities.

UHG I wish I was like super duper smart or like knew someone who was super smart that could actually help me answer or run tests on this. I want to know:

How does the brain and Entities interacting?

I mean everyone talks about salt baths to get rid of the entities. But that I want to know the scientific evidence behind it.

More updates as I observe. I will try to keep things safe as possible.

Running on Empty

So I don’t regret dropping everything to figure out what was/ is going on with me. BUT I am kind of stuck or at a stalemate.

I’ve studied every way of possibly looking at the situation. I’ve taken their medication checked all my vitals. Prayed……

But I have to admit I’m stuck. I’m not sure where or how to start to address this and that’s not my nature. If anything I am normally a fixer or a problem solver so not being able to create a plan out of this situation is truly torture. I’ve exhausted all options and running out what little patience I already have.

The only thing keeping me going is a story of what this COULD be but at this point they are so absurd and ridiculous that’s becoming a bore.

None of that is bringing me closer than to my goal of happy and healthy.

I keep envisioning myself loosing weight again at the gym dancing biking being social creative independent working but idk…..

Everything depends on these demons leaving. They are so heavy and painful. When they would try to possess me they would joke and say ” she can’t even hold me lol”.

So ………. I can try hard or even smart. But I’m not sure if my efforts will be worth it unless paired with Gods grace.

And not even sure what to do in the mean to cope other than sleep as to not be conscious to the GROSS thoughts they implant.

I feel guilty for not being active or as active as I want to be. The most I can do is find others online like me and try to be of comfort and service that way. To know they ….. we are not alone and they are strong… but I share my raw vulnerability in hopes that I find away to make changes… soon.

That’s the best I can do.

I’m trying my best.

Deep breaths 😔

Current Mood 🖕🏼

Listening to: Mpho Selina – No Evil

Fuck Evil, this realm and all dimensions. I’m done with the bullshit!

I had to sit here and take this nasty shit just so I could figure out what’s real what’s not. To help others and myself. And I’m tired of the abuse.

Can imagine being basically knock out like a narcoleptic whenever an Entity wants you not to draw, eat, talk to some, go outside, date, write a letter, blog, because they have bets on who can control me better?!?!?! What The FUCK!

I can’t make shit up like this I got other shit I would rather do and I don’t give a shit. YES they will make me pass out for like 20 mins to keep me from doings something to make themselves feel powerful. There is no point in me resisting because that tiny bit of energy needs to be reserved for other more important shit.

So fuck them!

🙏🏼 Two middle fingers up while I balance this chi! 🖕😑🖕

Pain is a Hypnotic state 😶

Anything to an extreme, for manipulation can be a hypnotic state where the individual is easily controlled.

So pain. I guess for some this is a DUH, but for my nieve ass I don’t think like that. To control. I am more interested in collaboration.

So when the Demonic Entities want to control me they UP THE PAIN FACTOR this will usually be in my head. My body and skin will become tight and warm as if we’re inflamed.

I will be so focused on the pain, that I become “second in line” to my own mind. The pain increases and I stare off into space and I hear one of the Entities suggesting some insanely absurd gross thought and at that moment I do not question it until I snap out of it because I’m focused on ……………….. THE PAIN.

This makes them feel powerful even though they are cowards and scum of the universe.

Once you are in this hypnotic state of pain focus deeply on the pain you become easily “suggestable”. That’s why you need to be careful what you allow people to treat during sex and certain points in your life. Being easily suggested is a step before brain washed.

So you are crying or sobbing miserable with pain and the Entity comes in and starts planting seeds and thoughts “you’re ugly when you cry” will turn into “you’re ugly”. These will be triggers to layer the pain and keep you sooo deep far down in the quick sand of pain and misery it will be difficult to see a way out unless you observe their bullshit and your own bullshit as well.

So …….. I see how they used pain against me literally pulling wool over my eyes and into a hypnotic state so I will believe their negative.

No positive or negative in this situation only ignorance.

These demons can kick rocks!

😤

Painting: No Thinking 🌙

(Painting Post from Yesterday)

” Too often when i try to draw or paint the voices would argue about what i should be painting it would upset me and so i stopped being creative for a very very long time. I drew a few portiats of the voices but my own art they wouldn’t let me do.

I’m trying not cry writing this.

So today as a suggestion 6 months ago by a remote healer Theresa Crabtree she told me to paint. I tried and the voices argued about which thought to paint and I became overwhelmed. I didn’t know how to not NOT paint my worlds. So today i just made a playlist called “healing the goddess” on YouTube played that all day and layed thick coats of of my favorite colors of paint. I didnt think too much about the paint strokes just let them fall played with them. Tried to have fun it even though the voices tried to suck the fun out it.

Now i wish i had endless money, paint and canvas so i could just paint all day and not pay attention to these voices. I felt empty afterwards in a strange way, alone again with the voices, i never had happen when i made art I always felt filled up or satisfied. Now I just want to stop feeling empty and paying attention to the Demonic voices with more mindless painting.”

Untitled, acrylic 2018

Hh

Twin Falls ⭐️

So my sister had the stroke in march 2016. She worked diligently to get back to walking and wanted to get back to work. A year later she was walking not at 100% maybe 60% but was getting there quickly. She is also shorter so it’s a little more difficult but she was pushing through.

A year later she had a terrible fall and mistepped. Her face was bruised which still hasn’t totally recovered (over a year later mostly under the eye bruises) scrapes and her walking was set back significantly although it didn’t stop her.

I mean between the stroke the eye surgery for going blind in one eye and the fall all in one year she had been through too much.

Today she asked me what’s up cause I was staring into space. I asked her if she really wants to know. She said if it’s not scary. Lol .

I told her that I’m tired of these demons. Then out of no where she tells me “you know when I had that fall I felt something push me”

I said “oh👏🏼 hell👏🏼 no 👏🏼imma need 👏🏼these demons 👏🏼to 👏🏼leave 👏🏼my 👏🏼virgin👏🏼 Snow 👏🏼White👏🏼 do good👏🏼 god 👏🏼fearing 👏🏼sister alone 👏🏼👏🏼I’m not above using these HANDS.👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼”

My cousin also told me about waking up one day and feeling drugged and then felt pushed and the chipped her tooth on the toilet.

You know those jolts you get in your sleep? Or the tugs?

What le fuck is going on?

I have a fantasy of burning these demons energy between two hot irons or the hottest steam cleaner I can find. But I will keep my hands to myself 🙌🏼 until I know I will be effective.

The Entities have burning me a lot more lately. Like electrical burns.

They are getting brighter….

I’m not sure what’s happening. I just wish they would go back to their dimension and leave my people alone.

I wonder if someone sent this to me too I’m tired of obsessing about it hoping truth will disintegrate it.

Therapy Fail 😴

Therapy has failed me.

It failed at being the consistent rock I needed when everything was falling apart. Overworked therapists who I was more concerned about their wellbeing than my own. High turn overs at the clinics, having to restart and that painful part of your story over and over and over ad nauseam to a new therapist is exhausting.

And that’s if I could even access it. Not getting call back for therapy appointments months later.

And I’m just kind of spinning around taking every one suggestions of salt baths, and psyche meds, and therapy, and shaman healing sessions and crystals and this and that and my head is spinning and my situation is no better. I am just more steeped in it.

I still see the energy orbs around my house and now around the city. I’m worried to death about my family. I have a Demonic Entity Mantis thing telling me to kill myself and trying to make like so unbearable that I don’t want to live.

And while I would LOVE to say this is all just some figment of my imagination, it’s not and I have photos and have had other friends confirm those photos. I also interviewed a number of random people from different belief systems that showed signs and outside the illusionary visions /”hallucinations” (depending on how conscious you are), the messages and tactics are usually the same. Tactical Rape, Entity position themselves as an authority figure, kill yourself (short version).

So therapy will do what? Definitely not going to help save the world from the corny ass darkness (that’s dark/dull purple energy by the way). Very few will want to hear about this crazy ass shit. I wouldn’t even know how to use therapy at this point because it has failed me so many times and I had to reconcile my life for myself.

So I’m not sure. I’m overly self aware so I am trying to be better at something I can’t say that I am exceeding at. Like responding to the demons. Fail! I can do it for short periods. But long periods. Fail.

I’m not sure what I would gain from therapy at this point. My primary doctor suggested that I have therapy because I keep crying because I keep trying to cure the symptoms of this Demonic possession. And I asked for therapy and psychiatrist didn’t want to give me therapy….. and I wouldn’t be able to see anyone for at least 3 months anyway and that’s why I originally went there but got stuck in psychiatrics and just figured just go with it because switching takes months if not a year on my timeline.

So I’m just not sure what therapy will or can do for me at this point.