Therapy Fail 😴

Therapy has failed me.

It failed at being the consistent rock I needed when everything was falling apart. Overworked therapists who I was more concerned about their wellbeing than my own. High turn overs at the clinics, having to restart and that painful part of your story over and over and over ad nauseam to a new therapist is exhausting.

And that’s if I could even access it. Not getting call back for therapy appointments months later.

And I’m just kind of spinning around taking every one suggestions of salt baths, and psyche meds, and therapy, and shaman healing sessions and crystals and this and that and my head is spinning and my situation is no better. I am just more steeped in it.

I still see the energy orbs around my house and now around the city. I’m worried to death about my family. I have a Demonic Entity Mantis thing telling me to kill myself and trying to make like so unbearable that I don’t want to live.

And while I would LOVE to say this is all just some figment of my imagination, it’s not and I have photos and have had other friends confirm those photos. I also interviewed a number of random people from different belief systems that showed signs and outside the illusionary visions /”hallucinations” (depending on how conscious you are), the messages and tactics are usually the same. Tactical Rape, Entity position themselves as an authority figure, kill yourself (short version).

So therapy will do what? Definitely not going to help save the world from the corny ass darkness (that’s dark/dull purple energy by the way). Very few will want to hear about this crazy ass shit. I wouldn’t even know how to use therapy at this point because it has failed me so many times and I had to reconcile my life for myself.

So I’m not sure. I’m overly self aware so I am trying to be better at something I can’t say that I am exceeding at. Like responding to the demons. Fail! I can do it for short periods. But long periods. Fail.

I’m not sure what I would gain from therapy at this point. My primary doctor suggested that I have therapy because I keep crying because I keep trying to cure the symptoms of this Demonic possession. And I asked for therapy and psychiatrist didn’t want to give me therapy….. and I wouldn’t be able to see anyone for at least 3 months anyway and that’s why I originally went there but got stuck in psychiatrics and just figured just go with it because switching takes months if not a year on my timeline.

So I’m just not sure what therapy will or can do for me at this point.

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Spiritual Warfare: God’s Purpose For It

My friend sent me this. I’m struggling with this because according to this we are experiencing spiritual oppression because God wants us to.

Throughout most of this I’ve never got mad at God…. only asked why was this happening. But the topics, such as rape and incest and child abuse and racism and lies and more lies and confusion and insane things I couldn’t even come up with pass through my mind for no reason by these demons ……. I just don’t know. It says it’s suppose to bring us discipline and closer to God….. but now I’m more confused.

Because I kept telling this demon that kept trying to call itself God, my God would never say that…. or show me that or do that…. I feel stupid now. I don’t know what to trust anymore after being abused like this.

I’m kinda in a stank face mood about all of this processing this right now. I guess I missed this part about purposeful suffering for no reason or discipline sake. 😔☹ī¸đŸ˜Ŗ

Spiritual Suffering đŸ˜Ĩ

Shared with me from a fb forum on spiritual suffering:

Try and read it a few times.

Suffering Teaching

Hebrew word for suffer is “yagah”: grieve/AFFLICTED/torment

Greek word for suffer is “pascho” from word “penthos” which means sorrow/mourning/grief

Afflicted in Hebrew is “Ani” which means oppressed

Afflicted in Greek is “kakopatheia” which means suffering(experience of evil)/PERSEVERANCE

Kakopatheia: to experience affliction that seems bad (miserable) from an earthly perspective but in actuality is sent by God to accomplish His greater (eternal) purpose!! ❤❤❤

WHEW!!!! THAT’S AMAZING!!!!

Luke 24:46

“Thus it is written, and thus it was necessary for the Christ to SUFFER and to rise from the dead on the third day”

Romans 8:15

“And if children, then heirs-heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we SUFFER with Him, that we may also be glorified together”

Suffering with Christ, for Christ. ❤

Philippians 1:29

“For to you it has been granted on behalf of Christ, not only to believe in Him, but also to SUFFER for His sake”

No one wants to truley suffer, but suffering for Christ and His Gospel is different.

Many in early church viewed martydom as a high calling and spiritual gift through which God would be made known.

Martyr: a person who is killed or suffers greatly for a religion

1 Peter 2:20

“For what credit is it if, when you are beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and SUFFER, if you take it patiently this is commendable before God”

Christ is the perfect example for everything in life-including the reality of “SUFFERING” and the Christian “response” to it. He endured and did not retaliate verbally, but did what was right!!!

1 Peter 2:21

“For to this you were called, because Christ also SUFFERED for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps”

Suffering wrongfully is commendable in God’s eyes.

1 Peter 3:17

“For it is better, if it is the will of God, to SUFFER for doing good than doing evil”

1 Peter 4:15

“But let none of you SUFFER as a murderer, a theif, an evil doer, or as a busybody in other people’s matters”

SUFFER=Blessings

Proof???

1 Peter 3:14

“But even if you should SUFFER for righteousness’ sake, you are BLESSED”

1 Peter 4:1

“Therefore, since Christ SUFFERED for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin”

If God’s people live according to His Word, they will not suffer as evil-doers but for their good conduct.

Because Jesus suffered for us and is sovereign, Christians should approach SUFFERING with “the same mind” (attitude/perspective) that He had-enduring it willingly and looking beyond the SUFFERING to God’s purpose.

God’s people will never “cease from sin” in this life, but SUFFERING for the sake of Christ has purifying effects and can increasingly free believers from sins power so that they may “live… for the will of God” rather than their own priorities.

Suffering should be expected for those who follow Christ. ❤❤❤

No matter what reason for suffering, God does use it-sometimes as discipline as it is written in Hebrews 12:5-11.

Here is a list of a few of God’s purposes of why He allows suffering

1. To train us in obedience (Hebrews 5:7-8

2. To produce patience (Romans 5:3)

3. To prevent pride (2 Corinthians 12:7-9)

4. To teach His ways (Psalms 119:65-75)

5. To prepare us to comfort others (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

6. To prove us

1 Peter 5:10

“But may the God of all grave, who called us to His eternal by Christ Jesus, after you have SUFFERED a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you”

Peter concluded by reminding readers that their sufferings are temporary and will serve to “perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle” them.

There is no shortcut to character, no detour around difficulty.

Hebrews 12:5-11

“And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as sons: ‘My son, do not despise the CHASTENING of the Lord, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; for whom the LORD loves He CHASTENS, and scourges every son whom He receives’. If you endure CHASTENING, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not CHASTEN? But if you are without CHASTENING, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? For they indeed for a few days CHASTENED us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. Now no CHASTENING sems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been TRAINED by it”

As one “endures” we should consider Christ (the Christians hope and greatest example of one who willingly obeyed God during suffering)

A lack of suffering is not a sign of favor but of illegitimacy. God, Our Father, does not allow His children to go about their business unchanged. Like a good parent, He disciplines His sons and daughters because He loves them deeply.

Training, discipline, and corrections are painful, but not permanent. God’s CHASTENING is the only sure way to obtain the peaceable fruit of righteousness.

CHASTEN:

Hebrew word: “yasar”: to discipline/correct

Greek word: “paideuo”: discipline/EDUCATE/train

“Paideuo” from word “pais” which means (a child under development with strict training)

❤❤❤

SUFFERING/CHASTENING

-educates

-corrects

-disciplines

-trains

Thus says the Lord!!!

His Divine plan. His perfect plan!!

As I suffer I am blessed with the fruits of His Spirit.

I am honored to suffer knowing that I’m now obedient to my Lord God Almighty.

Thank you!!!

Shalom

Torture for Child Abuse that never happened

My father never did anything to me.

Even though I was told that he did.

The child psychologist said it did. She speaks baby apparently.

It ruined our family.

I didn’t see him for 10 years.

I believe him but I guess I still resented him for not fighting for us. He was offended.

I had teenage angst at first …….. but it took years for me to mend our relationship. I was proud we did. Going to the beach was our thing. I was the son he never had. Tomboy. I was cool with it.

Now I have this Entity here in my life that first said I was “paying for my father”. That I was hearing all of this pedo shit all day because my father was accused and it was my fault.

Then I was told I was a pedo in a past life after I was told I was Isis. Either way I never claimed Isis I always had an affinity for Hathor because she went into a bloody rage when the men was disrespecting the women and children.

But now…….. hear pedo shit all day. If it’s not pedo shit it’s the Entity talking about my fathers penis and trying to make it seem like either is a turn on for me and it’s not. It’s fucking gross. I’ve heard this pedo incest shit none stop all day for 2+ years. I am tired.

So nothing ever happened and yet I have must be tortured by it. To the point of being incapable of living a normal life.

This despair has “lowered my vibes” to the point any entity can harm me. Go through me. In me.

I didn’t do anything. My father didn’t do anything. And yet we both suffer. I stay away from him like I do kids cause it grosses me the fuck out. What years I have left with him is looking at him like this. And it saddens me…… he missed almost half my life and now that I am here this.

And I don’t know why………. there is no lesson to be learned from this. Just pain and despair …..disgust.

Yea I can be like childhood trauma but it doesn’t make this Entity stop or go away. And it physically hurts. Feeling it in my body….. no matter what amount…. or volume……. it hurts. Rape is rape.

The spiritual community keeps talking about the energy and the shift and the event and I am so over this……… and knowing reality I don’t know if I will ever see relief or feel remotely like myself again cause I just sit her alone with this disgusting bullshit away from the world because I don’t even want out in the world.

I can’t even talk to my mom about it.

It’s so fucking gross. And I’m so tired. Tired of faking like strong be cursing out some invisible voice that tries to make me feel gross.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I can’t live.

Snapshot: What I hear. 😞

So I am currently upset with my sister because like all I do is do shit for her and like i was kind of forced into this role and the on top of it hearing the schiz shit and no respects that I don’t want to hear TVs and my sister is always telling me to shut up unless she wants me to do something for her.

Anyway totally separate complicated human emotion shit sister and then the voice comes in and says: “You are such a ……… B. A. B. Y. !!!! You want to be pedofiled like one!?!”

So fuck my life….. Threats don’t even matter anymore because they are still going to torture me anyway.

This is an all day everyday thing. And I’m kinda starting to really be over this life.

đŸ˜ĨđŸ˜ĨđŸ˜ĨđŸ˜ĨđŸ˜ĨđŸ˜ĨđŸ˜ĨđŸ˜Ĩ

Racist piece of shit 💩

Another aspect of the demonic Entity is racism. So much to the thought that I wondered if all racist are actually demonically possessed. The way most act it’s definitely on the table and debatable.

This Entity has called my mom the “N* word” never in my fucking life would I think to call my mom that. Not nigga….. the N* word!!!

It would also make racist joke or make fun of disabled people calling my sister retarded. These things have never been in my nature, and I would like to keep it that way.

The demonic Entity would call me white as a mixed race person. Again another aspect that I never really had in MY mind. So….. that’s why is so fucking difficult to say this is just my brain rewiring.

Also the women the Entity would point out as beautiful or the images that the Entity would use to scare me are mostly white people (until I pointed it out). I live in NYC and my life has been mostly people of color. So that is another aspect.

So on top of being a rapist it’s a racist piece of shit.

The Entity said I “will have to pay” for writing this but it doesn’t need much as an excuse to abuse and torture.

Being Schiz is bad for the Economy

Being schizophrenic is totally not good for the economy unless you are Medicaid and taking their $350 a month drugs that don’t work.

Otherwise if I wasn’t demonically possessed schizophrenic I would TOTALLY be working paying these worthless student loans and traveling and buying shit, I’m way over due for a new pair of leggings. But oh fucking well.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Guess I will just lay in this bed battling demons all day as they fill my body with their dense Co2 hoping that they go away.

Suicide Squads ✋

So like I have a handful of people I met through my schizo group that I tried to help when they were suicidal. … And my cousin and like….. 

I can barely get through today and I am trying to talk people down from going on a suicidal rampage and burning themselves and having nervous break downs…. And I have no one there for me… As always. 

I ignored my cousin…. The suicide rampage one stopped talking to me and the burn dude calmed down. 

I have nothing to give. I feel like I’m dying. It hurts so much I don’t even know if this is the schiz or not anymore. It’s just so intense ….. I can hear my skull cracking from pressure like a sinus infection.

Idk. The only thing that listens is this blog. I don’t care if anyone reads it.

Idk I can barely make it …. Running on empty…. No end in sight…. And like my friend constantly saying he is going to harm himself …. Is like more than I can bare. But I want them to be ok. 
Omg this hurts so much! I don’t know if it hurts more cause I know its fake. 

Suicide Hotline ☎

A guy in my schizophrenic group put up a post that was a simple cry for help. Just like “schiz sucks I’m over life”. I don’t blame him. 

It wasn’t until one of the other posters mad it aware that he had a gun with him.

So me and another member of the group tried to talk him into a safety plan. He didn’t have his meds, he hasn’t slept in 3 days, he had a gun and he was alone in a hotel depressed as fuck. 

A terrible recipe. 

He was also in the middle of no where. So its not like he could go to a Duane Reade and pop 4+ benadryls and call it a night like I do. 

So I literally had to be annoying and stay with him on chat until he got to a hospital. The only problem is that he said sometimes they call the cops on suicides out there. Which sucks…. And he has a warrent. So he was about to back out in front of the hospital. 

My advice is that fuck the warrent, fuck the gun, he needed not to be alone and to get some meds. I told him to lie unless he felt safe. Like essentially he needed sleep and to be under supervisions. I told him to tell the doctors that he hasn’t taken his meds or slept and he was experiencing extreme psychosis and not to mention the suicide. 😞 iDK. Its better than being in a hotel with a gun. I called the suicide hotline in his area and asked about the cops. They said if he poses a threat to himself or others the cops may be called and his name ran. 

So the main goal was get away from the gun, meds and sleep so he could have a clearer head. He is really a sweet soul. I hope to hear from him as soon as he gets out. The next would to have a friend turn in the guns for him.

I hope I helped him make the right decision. Kinda had my nerves on edge and a bit scary cause im not a crisis counselor and someones life is on the line. And i wanted to ensure he was safe. Not just drop a number. But at least he knows we actually give a fuck in that group. Schiz sucks balls. Its legit like every mental illness wrapped into one waking nightmare. 

*BIG SIGH …. With some tears*

I hate seeing my beautiful people suffering like this. I really do. 

UPDATE:

He got 7.5 hours sleep at the hospital, they gave him meds to tide him over, he has guns cause he was in the military but promised to give the bullets to a friend. Went home made a pie for thanksgiving.

God is good! 🙏🙏🙏

Sun Lamp 🌞

I’m legit thinking about limiting my electronic time and getting a sun lamp until its warm enough to go outside. 

I’m not depressed other that the fact I have endure the pain of this situation. And I already take vitamin D. My mood is only because of this experience other wise I’m pretty happy go lucky. 

saw some affordable ones so I might just ask for one as an early Xmas gift.

My friend who has also experienced this and has confirmed some things for me told me to look into making a DIY Earthing Grounding mat. I was so use to farming barefoot at my old job when I had the chance or being on the beach. Now I guess the best I can do is fake sunlight and fake earthing until I am able to purge these nasty entities.

The prayers I have been doing seem to only make me be attacked harder.

I know we are suppose to be on Gods side but…… The prayer is for protection from these things and to forgive them. But it doesn’t seem to be working soon after I feel sucked dry as if I’m about to die. 

So idk. The Tai Chi by Eric Pilgrem seems decent. But they just come back.

I look forward to having my feet in the sand on a beautiful long island beach soon as I can.