Chosen 

During an “episode”, I’m sure the first are always the meatiest…. How are scenarios, topics, themes, fears, voices, images chosen?

While I am dropping the demon perspective, I guess I am only doing this maybe… Prove that point. 

I have other fears. Like….. Trypophobia, you know the fear of irregular holes. That and mayo. So why was child abuse chosen as a theme?

Or why did it choose the ex (“twin flame”) that it chose, I’ve dated other men, and my longest was with my ex partner of 5 years who is transgender and we are still friends. So why not that ex? I mean there is at least 5 years worth of material there.

Why this time in my life? When everyone in my family was in a health crisis and my grandma and uncle passed away? Why now? Why not before? Why when I tried my hardest to keep my head above the sadness was I yanked down into its depths?

Why the goddess Isis? I studied mythology from both Celtic and Yoruba culture. And more recently Yoruba looking into the characteristics of Yemaya and Oshun.
Why when I looked up, spirit husband, djinn, incubus, the Entity said it prefers to be called and an Entity? And prior to that chose my ex (“twin flames”) name as its own. 

Why can anxiety be created in me, but I can not create anxiety? Why can the voice in my head send buzz and burns to my body, but I can not do the same TO MY body?

Why of all the amazing feats (over coming homelessness, weight loss, good job, paying studeny loans, raises etc) was then every thing undone? I stayed optimistic.

Why for every postivie thought or action, this voice negates it with something gross or disgusting?

How are these thing chosen? When there is wide range of emotions or topics to choose from?

I mean I have sun understanding of subconscious material. I’m not saying that the material wasn’t there, I’m saying who or how it is all chosen and weaved into some insane storyline?

Who or what has the choice? Cause I know I could not even phathom something like this. 

Psychological Profile of the Entity

So there is a level of acceptance that I need to reach …… Everything I have experienced in the last year and a half and counting has been INSANE!!!! To say the least…. As I tried to report honestly in this blog. 

I have disassociate from the experience because it it was nothing but lies. There was no telepathy, no twin flame, I didn’t hurt anyone, I don’t know what exactly I’m “”paying” for. And it def ain’t the voice of God. 

So. 

Midigating my reality and this very dark experience has been ridiculously hard. Petrifying to be exact.

Many people believe that this experience is just some mental illness, its schizophrenia, or the subconscious mind. I’ve pegged it as a Demon…. Or whatever version of that you want to name it. As I’ve said before every culture or belief has some version of naming IT.

So in my observations….. And my recollections I can only throw the whole psychological book at this “Entity”.

I mean it manipulated me into trusting it. Stalked for years, waited for the right moment, the right cover, the right story, the right person to hide behind. It used fear, guilt, shame, humiliation and torture to maintain control. And I am suppose to believe this is just my subconscious mind?….. My ego “acting up”? If this is ego death….. Its was dead for years. 

This post was triggered because I saw the term “word salad” used in a video about Narcissists. I googled it and found it was both something people with “mental illnesses” do consciously and unconsciously. Wiki describes it as;

Word salad may describe a symptom of neurological or psychiatric conditions in which a person attempts to communicate an idea, but words and phrases that may appear to be random and unrelated come out in an incoherent sequence instead. Often, the person is unaware that he or she did not make sense.

Wiki also spoke about random and rhythmic as a way a “word salad” may be presented. Which this Entity does often. Rhyming with words off of the TV… Or randomly droping phrases to fish for a thought it can play off of or exploit. I believe the YouTuber who mentioned the term “word salad” was trying to speak to how Narcs divert from being directly questioned by using “word salad”…. Which leaves someone confused and uses it to their benefit in some sort of way.

Another thing is that, I know for a fact that there is only ONE Entity here with me (tho I could always be wrong) because one day I was wondering WHY was this Entity talking so fast. It was presenting itself as both a female and a male to maintain a storyline at the time but the speech pattern was extremely fast. So I came to the conclusion that it was just one.

Often when the Entity wants to scare me …. Or is bored, or wants to make me feel like shit…. It splits into another character(s) and starts talking about me …. Whatever the subject may be. That normally only happens “outside of me” meaning it doesn’t come off as a thought or telepathy…. But off of other sounds such as a TV. But it is only ONE Entity. 

Yea I know crazy.

So I’m sitting here observing this Entity play out whatever sick fantasy it has with me and trying to say it was my own. But I’m having a hard time accepting that. Because I know myself. 

My pseudo psychological assessment of the Entity is as such:

Narcissist: charming, confusing, liar, manipulative, demeaning, controling, abusive, lack of empathy, grandiose, entitled.

Obsessive: Constant thoughts, “suggestions” or urges of usually unhealthy or painful things. My ex (“twin flame”), eating, cigarettes, painful memories, fears or vulnerabilities etc. Also used as a way to control.

Personality disorder: Makes up characters or hides behind the persona of other people in order to manipulate and or “play”. 

Psychopath: has no shame, guilt or regaurd for another life. Abusive. Plots and plans to manipulate to what means I am unsure. Said it wants me to “commit suicide” or “make me go crazy” by means of torture and fear. 

I mean I’m now labeled as Schizophrenic because I have to hear this crazy shit all fucking day. I’m sure I have a few others such as obsessive, I mean I can be a bit OCD when it comes to gathering information… Or my art. So I can look at myself and realize those things. Also “dissociative” and or “depersonalization” are more recent because I can not relate to what is happening to me anymore.

I just don’t see how you just wake up one day like this. 

I mean you read Psych 101 and you will always kind of be like well Yea I have anxiety, or Yea I act like this when I’m mad… Or I do this or that sometimes. Whatever you resonate with. But all in all you’re fine and you go about your life. I mean none of this really popped up for me until last year and my life came to a screeching halt.

This Entity that is supposedly my “subconscious” is ABUSIVE…. Seriously its like being in an abusive relationship you can’t get out of. And I’m not one to stick around for that kinda shit. I’ve shadow worked, atoned for my relationships, I’ve questioned myself, I’ve truly looked at it from every angle possible. And have not found any true reason or justification for this Entities presence or being subjugated to this experience.

But alas I will observe.

But I will also fight. 

Disassociative Identity Disorder

Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia is less common than bipolar disorder and is usually first diagnosed in a person’s late teens or early to late 20’s. More men than women receive a diagnosis of schizophrenia, which is characterized by having both hallucinations and delusions. Hallucinations are seeing or hearing things that aren’t there. Delusions are the belief in something that isn’t true. People who have delusions will continue with their delusions even when shown evidence that contradicts the delusion. That’s because, like hallucinations, delusions are “irrational” — the opposite of logic and reason. Since reason doesn’t apply to someone who has a schizophrenic delusion, arguing with it logically gets a person nowhere.

Schizophrenia is also challenging to treat mainly because people with this disorder don’t function as well in society and have difficulty maintaining the treatment regimen. Such treatment usually involves medications and psychotherapy, but can also involve a day program for people who have more severe or treatment-resistant forms of the disorder.

Because of the nature of the symptoms of schizophrenia, people with this disorder often find it difficult to interact with others, and conduct normal life activities, such as holding down a job. Many people with schizophrenia go off of treatment (sometimes, for instance, because a hallucination may tell them to do so), and end up homeless.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-differences-between-bipolar-disorder-schizophrenia-and-multiple-personality-disorder/

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So this was triggered by someone mentioning Disassociative Identity in Kundalini support fb group as it may relate. I decided to look it up (cause i wasnt sure exactly what it ment) and it brought me back to schizophrenia which I then trying to see if there was a difference. This was after having a pretty decent night/ morning of inspiring chit chatting with other women in PCOS, weight loss and spiritual groups. 

So back in reality, this is what I am up against.

One it seems that Schizophrenia has so many layers. The “hallucinations”, the different “personalities”, the story… Because there seems to be a story you have to believe. I mean I hear/ read about people tripping all kinda balls (which is comforting), from speaking to their angels, dead relatives, god, demons (😞) and I think the only difference between me and them is maybe the frequence of the experience and the fact I can not function regularly.

I mean I heard of people “battling their demons” but I didn’t know it was this real! And I def didn’t know that they talk back. At this point I don’t even know what my “demon” is. 😕 I mean cigarettes, food (currently)? Its def not my ex and its def not child abuse. 

So if I go out in public and I’m being called a child molestor by this Voice and I’m starting to have a panic attack from being both upset and angry and then I start to cry cause there is nothing I can do, even though I hold it back and then I feel that choking sensation where the Entity WANTS me to cry, and taking it to the next level of attack. And Yea…. So….. How do I ….. How can I hold down a job like this?  

While I am carried off into LaLa land of fear, pain, lies, confusion and misunderstandings. My life …. Again…. Is at risk. Risk of not being able to take care of myself. Risk of being homeless AGAIN! 

So what’s real? I’ve peeled back the layers of this Voice…. It definitely ain’t God, its not some telapathic communication between my ex (twin flame), shit its not even real day to day communication (as it has interfered in regular conversations) even though it has predicted the future. I’ve pegged it as a demon, it prefers to be called an Entity. I peeled back the multiple “story line” in which it said I would “Die (commit suicide) for my Ex by means of child molestation (fear)” sooooooo ……………………….. Yea.

But with all that aside how do I mitigate between these two experiences? When right there in that article it says that’s what my life will be. I already read it…. I cant unread it. And this “Entity/Voice” has found what I would call inspiration (usually negative) from the most unusual, ironic and forgotten places no matter how positive I try to be.

I don’t know. 

I miss hanging put with my friends, I miss cooking healthy veggies, working out, riding my bike and getting lost and then trying to find my way back (not a metaphor) , I miss being intimate with someone (sexual or not), I miss working, I miss my dream… My fairytales even if it isn’t true…. It didn’t matter, I miss creating, i miss being inspired, I miss thinking for “myself” or not thinking at all, I miss my hair, I miss my intuition, my motivation, my direction……… I miss me.

I’m unsure how to proceed and when I get a little bit of inspiration I get brought down. I mean if I do something nice for my sister or try to make her laugh the Entity goes in extra hard (saying something gross or feeling violating sensations) to make sure I feel like shit a few moments later. If I get the courage to go out into the world and test myself I am reminded that it will turn everything into a shit show, twisting every interaction or word spoken to its own other and usually gross meaning.

I haven’t taken a shower in a week. Its almost like i dont want to take a shower or go outside until this thing is gone. I don’t know why. I just eat, sleep (sometimes choked to sleep), take care of my sister, sleep again, smoke a cig, sleep again, eat, take care of my sister, and hear this stupid nasty bullshit all day in between.

I know its prolly not a good or realistic idea. But …. I don’t know what else to do. How many more prayers? How many more shamans? Pills? Articles? How many more times do I have to tell this thing to leave before its gone?

I can’t blame looking up the disassociative thing on the Entity. I saw it in a forum and instantly wanted to know more…. I can’t even blame it for feeling like shit right now other than its presence and usual fuckery. But it was kind of like a reality check. Is it a demon or is it my mind fucking with me? And why is my mind fucking with me? And why does it have to be negative? And why does it seem like it has an agenda?

As much as I want to believe any of it…. Either the demon and or that my mind is broken and fucking with me …. None of it makes sense. 

I heard that for every alement, there is an antidote (in nature). I have not found mine yet.