Thoughts on Thinking

I kinda don’t want to think anymore. 

I’m constantly at battle defending the purity of my original thought or intentions.

Its exhausting. 

I have no privacy.

When all I want is for my mind and imagination to dance.

I find myself quickly taking down my impulse to be imaginative because this Entity will pervert it. Punish me. 

I feel punished for thinking anything beautiful or positive.

A Good Laugh

I woke up. As I usually do…. When the entity is done with trying to create or influence a dream. 

So decided to have a bite and watch a movie. Since I had already watched zootopia on netflix nothing short of 500 times. I thought it would be a good idea to venture out. So I chose Naked. Already the dialog and the background movie told me it was gonna be terrible but the Wayne deliver what he does best with slap stick comedy…. And I genuinely laughed hard alone for the first time. 

It felt good. And I noticed a thought wondering if the entity was gonna ruin it for me like he normally does with sick visions or a thought about my ex. But this time my sister called for me to help her up. I guess I laughed too loud.

Still appreciated it even though I wanted to continue enjoying my laugh.

On Race

Just dropping a comment i posted where I worked some shit out on my experience as a mix race person. 

———

I am writing with honesty and hope that will be seen as the utmost respect for my community. 

As a mix race woman… I remember in middle school a group of black girls came up to me and asked why I wasn’t sitting with them for lunch because they saw my mother (who is black) visit the school. My assumption was because they didn’t like me. lol.

We were in a small college town and that was my first taste of solidarity as they invited me to have lunch with them. 

Growing into my adulthood and politic self…. I understood that we need to all come together and embraced the term “woman of color” as it was a term that women of many ethnicity were “uniting” under. 

This was refined in understanding that I DO NOT HAVE the same experience as a black woman and skin/tone privilege is more real than it is a burden.

I mean even my own family my cuz who is a black woman shouted i was white…. It was hurtful because I felt that she was someone who knew me the most and was misidentifying me to be hurtful.  I just stood there looking at her like we both have the same light skin grandma. 

I feel like a some years ago, we called out people for not claiming their black heritage….. Then more recently tell folks to have several seats about their blackness….. Because they don’t know what it is like to be black (of a darker skin tone) in the world. 

And I don’t, that is real and true. So as “woman of color”….. The daughter of a single black mother…. I am trying to manage through the ethic matrixes while building community.

Monsters

Have you ever noticed that each generation has its own set of trendy monsters and sitings? 
Anything prior- demons and witches

80’s:was like all about locness monster and Bigfoot

90s: Aliens and Ghosts

2000s – Aliens (not sure)

2017 – Trump
Add to the list if you can recall. 

Like where does Bigfoot go after all the coverage

The Confederate Fantasy 

This whole “moving forward” and ignoring the problem, is what got us where we are right now.

Where communities are forced to figured ways to protect themselves because its not coming from the government or police.

IF 45 wanted to stop this in its tracks…. He could have PRIOR…. When the nationwide outreach for this event was happening and say “NOT IN MY NAME” …. At least… At least.

But he didn’t because his hands are tied. And he doesn’t care. He thinks this is the appropriate response to the Obama era and BML. 

Where privileged white supremacist tell other citizens of this country to get out, we are going to kill you. And then actually fulfill the prophecy of their rally. 

Taking a stand against nazis, kkk, white supremacist who are in a delusion and believe they are still under the Confederacy, is the most “patriotic” thing you can do!!!!

So people should really be looking at this president sideways now more than ever.
How am I sitting here “schizophrenic” and have a better grip on reality? 

Hot Tears

Cold fingertips

Don’t worry ’bout my art

They will read between the lines.

So what if I was the sun in female form.

Bless you.

Afraid to cry? 

So was I.

Sure. No. Sure. No. Sure. No no no no.

No. Please stop………… Please stop. ………….. Please stop…………………..

Hot tears.

Smeared.

Eyes and heart crossed. 

Mind put back into place.

Metallic body screams. 

Messages received.

I found your light lurking… 

In the corner of my eye.

Tried so hard to push you out.

I know who I am. 

I know who I am. 

If I know who I am, why do I miss me?

A lie, another, and another…….

So far down paths that may not lead back to me.

Of course!

Please leave.

Please leave me.

Leave me. 

Meditation. 

So, I have noticed the slightest difference in my surroundings when I close channel meditate mostly with my hands. 

Its like what ever this entity is … It makes it a little more difficult for it to project. 

What we deem a curse, ghost, “schizophrenia”, these “outward” experiences seem to take more effort. Is it me? Nope. Is it something in me or attached? Totes!

I just wanted to make that note here. 

Sucky part is my personality has TONS of motivation but lack “discipline” , unless I can see it fully applying to my life. If that makes any sense. So sitting in a close loop meditation is kinda difficult. I could barely do my ho’ponopono last night because my sister kept interrupting me.

Its not her fault though. Its not her fault I’m going through this. I remind myself any other moment there would be no problem. 

Anyways. Just a note. 

The Sacrifice

So early on last year 2016, at some point, once I started saying this was all impossible. The voice started saying this was a “fish fry”, a “pig roast” that I was compost to be recycled and be a human sacrifice to the Illuminati. (Granted I honestly didn’t even know they do human sacrifices but OK)

Once I gave up maybe 80-90% of my possession because I was forced to quit my job, the Entity kept asking me if I was sure in my ex’s voice. As if I had a choice. No cash…. And I’m not that super attached to things. 

I remember at my sister’s hospital bed, I had promised I wouldn’t try to talk to my ex any more and just focus on my family. The “female” voice came in and said “but you gave up so much already”.  Later on this only esculated the play of sacrifice and self sacrifice as it started to try to force me into suicide for my ex (“twin flame”).

Also the Entity said I was a nun in a past life, or I was going become a nun again or something like that and never have sex again or marry. Or I need to marry Jesus…. Because I started praying during this difficult time. And actually started making fun of and or forcing me to pray for other people. 

I’m sure it doesn’t make sense. In general it doesnt. But maybe someone else had some of the same themes.

That’s why I’m pretty much done with the fuckery. I just want to find a way to stop hearing it.

But just in case, I repeated the statement below.
—————————–

SACRIFICE RELEASE STATEMENT, Repeat after me 

I, _______ choose to safely release all sacrifice cords , beliefs, habits, rituals, debts and feelings of guilt that are keeping me away from fully loving myself. Myself worth is whole, complete and never needs to be proven for I am an aspect of god and I am worthy and I have always been worthy. I am innocent, I am pure. Anything that is stopping me from fully loving myself I ask to be released, cleared and cleansed from all my being now. So be it. You standing in your power benefits us all. So it is, make it so.

Chosen 

During an “episode”, I’m sure the first are always the meatiest…. How are scenarios, topics, themes, fears, voices, images chosen?

While I am dropping the demon perspective, I guess I am only doing this maybe… Prove that point. 

I have other fears. Like….. Trypophobia, you know the fear of irregular holes. That and mayo. So why was child abuse chosen as a theme?

Or why did it choose the ex (“twin flame”) that it chose, I’ve dated other men, and my longest was with my ex partner of 5 years who is transgender and we are still friends. So why not that ex? I mean there is at least 5 years worth of material there.

Why this time in my life? When everyone in my family was in a health crisis and my grandma and uncle passed away? Why now? Why not before? Why when I tried my hardest to keep my head above the sadness was I yanked down into its depths?

Why the goddess Isis? I studied mythology from both Celtic and Yoruba culture. And more recently Yoruba looking into the characteristics of Yemaya and Oshun.
Why when I looked up, spirit husband, djinn, incubus, the Entity said it prefers to be called and an Entity? And prior to that chose my ex (“twin flames”) name as its own. 

Why can anxiety be created in me, but I can not create anxiety? Why can the voice in my head send buzz and burns to my body, but I can not do the same TO MY body?

Why of all the amazing feats (over coming homelessness, weight loss, good job, paying studeny loans, raises etc) was then every thing undone? I stayed optimistic.

Why for every postivie thought or action, this voice negates it with something gross or disgusting?

How are these thing chosen? When there is wide range of emotions or topics to choose from?

I mean I have sun understanding of subconscious material. I’m not saying that the material wasn’t there, I’m saying who or how it is all chosen and weaved into some insane storyline?

Who or what has the choice? Cause I know I could not even phathom something like this. 

Law of Attraction ? 

Prior to this, I wouldn’t say my thoughts were 100% amazing. I mean I worried (mostly about being used), rarely got angry, maybe sassy, read a few conspiracy theories here and there never cared enough to believe them. 

Mostly tried to be helpful and “good”. And I would say a majority of my life was focused on the positive. Slowly allowing my self to reach my personal goals with out pressure. 

So what exactly is going on?

I’m stumped on this one. I am seriously at a loss. I’ve looked at every thought, every bad deed that I may have done and nothing adds up to this experience.

I’ve tried so many approached and nothing is helping much. So this is making less and less sense…. At the same time clearing out a lot of confusion.