ChosenΒ 

During an “episode”, I’m sure the first are always the meatiest…. How are scenarios, topics, themes, fears, voices, images chosen?

While I am dropping the demon perspective, I guess I am only doing this maybe… Prove that point. 

I have other fears. Like….. Trypophobia, you know the fear of irregular holes. That and mayo. So why was child abuse chosen as a theme?

Or why did it choose the ex (“twin flame”) that it chose, I’ve dated other men, and my longest was with my ex partner of 5 years who is transgender and we are still friends. So why not that ex? I mean there is at least 5 years worth of material there.

Why this time in my life? When everyone in my family was in a health crisis and my grandma and uncle passed away? Why now? Why not before? Why when I tried my hardest to keep my head above the sadness was I yanked down into its depths?

Why the goddess Isis? I studied mythology from both Celtic and Yoruba culture. And more recently Yoruba looking into the characteristics of Yemaya and Oshun.
Why when I looked up, spirit husband, djinn, incubus, the Entity said it prefers to be called and an Entity? And prior to that chose my ex (“twin flames”) name as its own. 

Why can anxiety be created in me, but I can not create anxiety? Why can the voice in my head send buzz and burns to my body, but I can not do the same TO MY body?

Why of all the amazing feats (over coming homelessness, weight loss, good job, paying studeny loans, raises etc) was then every thing undone? I stayed optimistic.

Why for every postivie thought or action, this voice negates it with something gross or disgusting?

How are these thing chosen? When there is wide range of emotions or topics to choose from?

I mean I have sun understanding of subconscious material. I’m not saying that the material wasn’t there, I’m saying who or how it is all chosen and weaved into some insane storyline?

Who or what has the choice? Cause I know I could not even phathom something like this. 

Dark Web

A friend had inquired about the “dark web” on Facebook and people began to describe it. Someone said that you can use bitcoin to watch someone get killed. 

Sometimes I wonder if someone is doing something to me. I mean there is “radio” like sounds coming from my head, and next and vag. So I don’t know maybe someone has extreme technology to do this to someone.

As I said there seems to be a main “one” that kind of orchestrates the distant scream bubbles, the two talking on the TV, or a “set” which is like almost being submerged in an environment.

I thought if it is possible someone could do this to someone. Maybe I could find out how, and get my life back. 

I don’t know. I would like to think humans are better than doing something like this….. But then realized after reading the comments about the dark web…. That they are not.

I just don’t know. I just want it gone.

Just thinking. Which seems to work against me at times, because this Entity uses it for a story at a later time for its own entertainment. 

Trigger ⚠ Warning

I was triggered today. 

Today was about child brides.

Its not that I am afraid of it, and yes it upsets me because I think a child should be a child.

In some ways I guess back in ancient times, I understood the thought process of having a young wife….. To pop out a billion babies and take care of your old crusty ass. I get it.

But now….. Now…. I thought we evolved.

And it a strange balance because I know this is a part of peoples cultures….. And believe that people should evolve their own culture from with in their culture.

But at the same time this happening in America no problem…. With out even batting an eye…. And this is why our children go missing or end up dead or enslaved.

So, it triggered me. It bothers me. There is no simple answer. I think its wrong. I want a child to be safe….. And not have it stolen from them by patriarchy and misogyny and a psychological problem.

In the same breath…. I’m tired of this Entity trying to convince me this turns me on. Maybe I get upset…. But no it does not turn me on. The Entity builds anxiety in my chest and then it does the rapey thing to to my gentiles like it does all day. But this time selective.

How you go from one year to the other and that’s a turn on?

Its not. It never will be.

And these men out here getting away with this shit. And I’m here trying not to commit suicide cause this shit fucking sucks and feels gross.

Sick of this shit.

And what do you do? To save them? 😒😒😒

Here is what I DON’T get….

So we are humans…. With a capacity for a wide range of emotions….. Some indescribable…. And if you are creative… Maybe you paint them, write a song, a book, dance them…. whatever…. 

You say that we are born here with this capacity…. And then told, that if you mourn the death of a loved one or watch a scary movie (anything sad or scary, or whatever you deem a negative emotion) you are inviting …. Handing over your life to some Dark Entity to feed off of? 

The fuck?

First of all some of ya’ll need to understand these things feed off your ignorance mostly. 

The “child hood fears” and “shadow work” is just the icing on the big ol’ ignorance cake, cause most of y’all don’t even know what the fuck this shit is.

Channeling this and invoking that. Is just playing make believe with these things. 

Now I’m suppose to be afraid to feel sad because some asshole demon monster alien is going to drink my tears out of a sippy cup?

Be numb? Afraid to express myself?!? 

Nope. Shits fuck up. I’m not with this program.

Being “positive” doesn’t mean we don’t feel sadness or anger. I think even putting ourselves in these traps of what TO do and NOT to do …. To create hierarchy…. And missing the focal point completely. 

πŸ‘‘ Your Crown πŸ‘‘

In the beginning of all of this. 

After I took the cleansing bath. 

The “Entity” said A LOT of things. I mean it still does. And I am usually sitting here with my head cocked to the side like HUH?!. 

Still trying to learn to ignore it because none of it means anything and even it it HAPPENS to make some sense by some mere coincidence…. Oh fucking well. Nothing was worth this experience and it was a waste of my life and time. 

πŸ‘‘ I was fresh out the break up in the summer of 2015, living with a friend, trying to keep my shit together. I was making sure to go to the gym more since I was bored and wasn’t biking to work as much. 

I remember this moment on the treadmill that I felt my head or what people would refer to as the “crown chakra” feeling it was “opening up”. I was a little worried. I had these strange “gong” headaches i even went to the doctor for, but everything came back normal. I was also worried that the IUD that I had gotten for extra protection with my ex was causing my blood pressure to rise and I went into Google Doctor mode to make sure. So I later got the IUD removed (as much as the doctors tried to convince me to leave it in). 

So this feeling on the skull that was just like my head was wide open. As I was on the treadmill had me a bit concerned. But I just went along and was pushing myself physically to stay healthy for my job.

In 2016 fell into the episode, delusion …. This “Entity” had already laid the grown work, prepped and groomed me. Already had attached this story line to my ex as my “twin flame“. As telepathy, the perfect cover. 

I was at my job and the “Entity” said in the voice of my ex, “Remember who gave you your crown.”

I had looked up why my head would be feeling like this. “Soul Star Chakra“…. “Halo / Crown”, ect… So many explanations. This Entity acting as my ex (“twin flame”) wanted to say he gave me all these things “crown” before being “initiated” and eventually “married” to my ex. This Entity wanted to “give” me all these illusions or hopes or whatever so it could take it away. And quickly put on what felt like an energetic “harness” to make me sit up straight and “act like a lady”.  

Another moment at my job, the Entity said, “she needs a new vessel.” Meaning, my soul, spirit needed to be in another body for my ex to love me. (Crazy shit I know.) But again this was grooming for the suicide it tried to force me into. Said I needed to, “Die for (my ex’s name) by means of child molestion”. So it was going to keep showing me sick images until I committed suicide. 

But things were sick, abusive, it didn’t stop…. It was constant…. It was crazy…. Scary…. Debilitating.

In retrospect, I realized that my crown wasn’t being given, but being taken away, or blocked as my life became extremely instable. 

I can’t say where it exactly began. But I know where thing got crazy. Which was 2016. Right after questioning and trying to stop this obsession with my ex that I did not feel connected to. 

I know I tried my hardest in all of this. Peeling back any delusions. And I will continue to try to resolve this in the best ways I know how. That’s all I got, with all I know.

But no this “entity” never gave me anything. Never will. Just some tricks and some lies, while it takes what it needs to give it self a reason to stay here. 

Another attack

Well the Entity got mad….. Because I posted the “Fat Albert Got Jokes“. 

Over the last few days the “energy” has been calmer…. Not as intense….. A lower volume, trying to appeal to my sense of humor…….. but still screaming, still the same themes, still the same tricks. 

I guess because I got angry in combination with the fact that I posted my realization the Entity proceeded to start the choking sensation again…. Just the over all intense sped up energy. Just trying to hook more and more and get me more hyped then I already was.

As much as I want this to be kundalini, or some sort of awakening …… I just don’t see how. Maybe others get that sweet delusion…… I unfortunately did not.