Grand Finale?Β 

The entity said he is waiting (to leave) for the “Grand finale” and then insinuated that something else is going to happen to my mother …. Even after this heart attack. I’m worried since the other things were true. 

Then he changed it to say that the “Grand Finale” is me. Which I really don’t want to be stuck with thing until my last day…. Its halting and undoing all of my progress I had made for myself. 

I looking back at this shit and just like wtf and looking to go into the future with this thing is not an option I would like to entertain at all. How much healing, how much prayer, how much magick needs to happen? 

When can I unpause? 

He told me one year of this …. I believed him. I how am I suppose to have a job if this thing “casts a set” on me and I’m hearing 100 voices and can’t concentrate on my work or I get overwhelmed?

This is the first time I have ever gone through something like this. Idk how to proceed. I get a little bit of motivation and then its gone. I’m bored just sitting here trying to figure out and waiting for this to stop.

I always knew I was a weirdo but this is a whole new level. 

This thing has taken away the vivid part of my imagination. Where I would relax and make dances to my favorite music. This thing is just blocking me.

This pyschic lady told me “no one can take away your blessing”, but I feel like that’s exactly what is happening. Or being blocked. Job, lovers, imagination, money, health, sanity, confidence. 

This is my life? Really?

I struggled all these years for this to be something? To be met with schizophrenia “mid-life” and the inability to move forward in a quick sand of the past? Really?

I’m not saying that I expect a mansion …. I’m just saying that I didn’t think the things I worked for would be so easily ripped from me.

I wallowing …. Its natural…. I’m reminded of the past as I try to move forward…. I don’t even know the direction cause this entity distracts me …disempowers, persueds ….. And im tired of the struggle inward and outward …. I mean I was use to the outward struggle now I have to do this struggle in silence ….. Alone… Cause no one will ever understand …. Even if they do …

I crying now. I trying to stay positive. But I don’t know what I am missing. 

MAY 2017 UPDATE: Even after my moms heart attack in November 2016, my mom did have a stroke in early February 2017 which she is now trying to recover from. She is doing OK. And yes the Entity is still here. 

Advertisements

Deliver us from all evil

Laying in bed and I was wondering if the devil/snake that convinced Eve to eat the apple was the “reptilian”/ dark shadow/ part of our brain? What sparked this to even happen? There had to have been a catalyst before the snake approached her. I wonder.

If God is everything, God created everything and the devil is a part of God. God could wipe the devil out in a milla second. God showed compassion to Satan for allowing him to even exist. Should we do the same? We opt for “Satan not today!” ….how about ever… How about Satan ….. Never? 

Whether it is a part of our psychology personified OR an actual demon, spirit, alien makes no difference to the experience other than the fact that “its not real”. But it feels so real, and has affected our lives substantially.

I’m kinda over the polarity and duality, I know there needs to be “contrast” but instead of black and white wonder if we thought in rainbows like the sparkly part of a fresh cut diamond? Nah what I mean?

I know Gods plan is perfect but I’m just saying .. ..  Wondering. Am I allowed to wonder? 

Pressure

The pressure on my head/ skull has been crazy. Still going to doctor to make sure its nothing serious.

My ears just popped. They have been popping a lot this year …. Even my nose/ nostril popped… But I’m not sure how this relates to everything. Ears are still ringing. Its not like ….. Annoying as some other times.

Entity said: “I don’t care how long it takes”

Me: how long what takes? 

Entity: for this to end. 

Me: for what to end? 

Entity: I don’t care how long it takes.

Everything is usually enigmatic, so its difficult to fully understand. All I can account for is what I feel and a fraction of what I hear. How, why, what not so much. Sorting through everything is exhausting on top of having to be present for my FAM and heal and rebuild my life. 

I keep this journal as a way to keep track of my experience…. Maybe understand it. I deleted a blog I had because the entity wanted me to….I wish I would have kept it.  But this one I’m going to keep. This one is a bit more raw…. Real. The other one was more based on the delusion ….  Which would have been fun to read over anyway. 

Ah well…. I still have my written journal. And I will try to account for it at some point.

UPDATE: Doctor doesnt want to run any tests around the headaches, sparkles/ light flashes or skull pressure. Frustrating. 😩😩😩😩😩

Trying to stay PositiveΒ 

So I am taking the rest of 2016 to map out goals in an extensive schematic and reorganize my life. I might have bit off more than I can chew cause as I was going through paper work … Which I ignored, mostly because I was drowning in the situation of hearing a voice and I slept most of my day away. 

So I came across an insurance denial letter from my insurance which means I owe 65k for two weeks in the hospital. I over looked this cause I was not in the frame of mind but what can I do? 65k would be 2 years of work. 😩 and I had to quit my job because of this. 

So I felt myself slipping back into the ….. “Hole” let’s call it. Trying not to get consumed by the anger and frustration. I found myself getting upset with my mother since most of this “fear” stems from her and she was the one that told me to go to the hospital. But I caught myself from getting upset at her because I’m a fucking adult …. And I have to be accountible. Its no ones fault. At none that I can see……. Except. ..  maybe the entity. πŸ˜’

It’s like soon as I see the light at the end of the tunnel ….. Either an unwelcomed hand reaches for me …. Or someone flips the switch all together.

So I was laying down and reading up on some paper organizing methods and the “entity” gave me …. Let call it a “vision” of my job… So like when I was filing things…. And did a good job at it. But immediately went to a vision of my ex “twin flame” which is totally unrelated and random. Now… If you’ve read my posts I actually “gave him up” because of this entity thing. I had no idea what was going on and the only way to figure out one thing was to stop looking at his social media and communications. It sucks because I think we could have actually been friends at least starting out on social media. But it is what it is. I didn’t want to feed this entity anymore info about my ex. So I wrote one last email letting him kinda know what I am going through and blocked him…. For both our goods. Will I admit that I secretly want him to go out of his way … show up to my building, and cure this disease …. To have all the answers … Give me the biggest hug and stand with me as I battle this. YES. The unfortunate and pathetic answer is a big ol YES. But the reality…. The adult logical answer, the most practical answer is NO…. Its not going to happen. He has too much pride…  And I’m hanging on by a feather. 

Entity said slowly, low in volume with a dash of fear sprinkled in there, “There is no (ex’s name) in you story.”

I’m like cool theeeeeeeeeeeeeeen stop saying his name 100+ times a day?

Its been hard to forget about him and move on. Like forget dating just moving on period, getting my life together. Like turning on the faucet to wash my hands shouldn’t remind me of him… But I am constantly reminded of him by this entity.

Trying…… Trying hard…. 

Spiritual and Medical Approach

Most of the “healers” that I have gone to (of many variations christian, hoodoo, angelic, witch, reki energy healers, ect) insisted that I continue my meds ( I’m sure for liability concerns). 

So I am gonna get EVERYTHING checked out. Eyes (flashing lights) Brain (nerves knocking choking burning sensations in the body ect), harmons (random crying), vitals ect. Apparently my vitals came back good! I even lowered my A1C. The psychiatrist was surprised that the meds didn’t work but….. Hey…. Let’s take these stupid pills and hope for the best. My blood pressure started to rise last month because this has been stressful personally as well as everything going on in my life as well as trying to figure out wtf is happening to me.

So I will take the meds, get the scans, try to push myself back towards my healthy lifestyle. But as the same time…. I hear this voice and at the same time this voice has said and done things for me to believe most of what would appear to be health concerns is connected to it. How or why I don’t know. 

But I want to make sure that I am in generally good health. I have to before I fully reapprouch the world.

I am also trying to map out most of my 2017 in a planner so that I have more of a routine (which I hate, but will at least try) so i can reach some goals. I am amped up but at the same time understand that in a way I have to completely rebuild my life after this. I want to maintain my motivation (both for myself and my sister) but also have patience learn how to build something with solid foundation so I don’t have to just float through life as I have always. But still allowing the float so I can be flexible… I’ve always been mostly flexible with life.

A side note: its been kinda hard to read the things I am interested in because this voice will argue with me about the validity of the subject…. And I’m just like can I read it for what it is think about it later or something? Or at least finish the sentence. Also it has used a lot of the things I have studied/ read as “inspiration”(more on the negative side) for this experience, but also some of my experience has also led me to these topics. So I’m kind stuck because I want to keep researching maybe find a good book with out feeling like it will be used against me or that I have to debate anything about it with this voice/ entity. As an artist I use these things as inspiration for drawings and stuff. But somehow I’m actually living it. 

Yea…. I know…. Crazy. 

A whole year so far. I told the entity if he wants to be friends like he is gonna have to switch up this act completely. The whole threatening me and my FAM, and sexualizing things …. The lies/bullshit, constantly reminding me of my ex when it is so far done…. Living in the past and trying to make me afraid of the future…. Shits gotta go, since i cant find a way to completely release this. I mean a lot of website say oh its just energy and blocks or whatever…. But I mean I can understand some of the stuff…. but at the same time a clear cognative voice…. With psychic abilities, opinions of its own, IDK if that’s just some swirled up energy ball hanging around my chakras. 

Tonight I was laying in bed and I felt the pressure on my head and then the choking sensation again (which has been pretty much this whole year) and then I felt myself speed up, felt angry…. Annoyed …. Agitated…. And I realized it. Cause I was feeling this really for no reason. I was just reading some stuff online. 

Anyways trying to be aware of what’s going on…. But focused on what I need to do. Trying to nuture all parts of myself…. While I am with this entity thing.

Schizophrenia (pt2)

So I’m taking the meds again. The doctor was shocked that the medication wasn’t working prior. If anything “symptoms” have “dialed down” on there own while I wasn’t on the meds. 

From reading about people having “super natural” experiences (is ghosts, demons, aliens, angels, energy ect), to hearing God, to psychics, kundalinis whatever ….. I mean sheesh even Buddha had it under the tree….. And so many times in the bible. There are a lot of people who are having “schizophrenic” experiences of hearing a voice(s), tactical senses, visions ect. Mass hysteria? 

But what do you do with it?

Some channel it into art (writing, art, music etc), some channel it into psychic abilities, inner knowing, religion, work, nature, who knows what else. Some never get a chance or the ability to “channel” it, and get stuck just falling down the rabbit hole flailing. ….. Can’t say that hasn’t been me.

What’s the difference between me …. A “schizophrenic” on meds and a phychic or some one who saw/heard a ghost? 

Well my experience has been on going and 24/7 for a year now though I have had little experiences here and there. Where other peoples seem to be brief moments. Mine seems to have a strange pattern of job loss, break up, moving, loosing weight and then hearing this voice. And while there may have been some gems over the course I would say 90% of what I “heard”, “felt”, “saw” was a lie or false. My concern moving forward is how this “voice” or entity has influenced my interactions with people by intercepting or interjecting into a conversation. So for instance; 

Friend: I love apples and lemon

Entity Interjection: I just had raspberries. (What I hear)

Me: Oh I love raspberries! Did you get the raspberries from the farmers market?

Friend: No, but I did get a bag of apples. 

This is just an example there are many other ways this has happened. But the idea is that this slight change in the conversation can get confusing and or escalate a conversation. Change the reality of what’s going on and change the course. Second and Third guessing is exhausting. 

I can’t give my experience a name other than an “entity” because  it is a combination of many different beliefs and experience or more specifically the inability to pin point just one. While most others seem to be one school of thought.

There is no definite truth for me…  At least one that I know yet. Rather seeing the commonalities between experiences and belief systems, which is something I’ve done since I was like 5 or 7. But again…. That is not to say I’m right. My only truth is that God is real. How that looks or is…. I don’t have any answers. 

In a way, if I believe in God then I must accept that God knew/knows this is happening to me …. That I’m low key loosing my mind and finding my faith. 

And while I’m taking meds, firming my faith and trying to “understand”/ better myself, I’m having a hard time fully identifying as a schizophrenic for the above reasons as well as reasons stated in this blog. 

Restless

Winter is coming!!!

I have been in static mode trying to figure out wtf was/ is happening to me for like 5 months …… now I’m just restless.

Ironic when everyone else is on down time I just want to run a muck. 

I would normally go to the gym but I gave up my membership (along with everything else). 

I would normally read some esoteric shit on the internet or youtube but my entity friend over here doesn’t like it. So much for vegging out on Ancient Aliens.

Been drawing a little bit…. But my imaginations been infiltrated.

So…………… I don’t know what to do. I slept like half a year away while living a nightmare. 

I want to live…. Truly live! Accountably! For my actual shit.

Bored. Craving connection and/or occupation.

Idk. 

My eyes

I went to therapy today and they were asking basic clinic questions. I answered a best I could. Some in detail… When the details were too much I saw a major flash in the room and a couple of sparkles. Ibwasnt stressed or anything it was just like a deep flash for lack of a better word. 

When I went to the bathroom after my session and notice that the pupils of my eyes were dilated…. Not much of a light change… Which I was use tooo just with out the flashes. 

More recently my pupils have been extremely small which is something I’m not use to.

But it was just an observation. . . could be nothing. 

I want to figure it out!!!

I actually want to know how I do not have control over my mind, emotions and body currently. 

I mean yes I do…. I can get up for the most part, I can realize when a “thought” or “feeling” is being “planted”. I do have choice ……  sometimes….

But how the fuck is this even happening? 

How can something even have access to my thoughts? How can something plant something there? (You run with it or you don’t)  How can something make me see things I’ve never seen, that aren’t mine? 

How can something send tingles up my leg, burns, pressure on my head, thumping on my chest, jolting me out of my sleep, putting me to sleep? How can I smell scents that are not there? See flashes and sparkles, some times strikes that are not “real”? 

I remember when I was younger people would say when your ears ring it means someone is thinking about you…. And you say the letter of the alphabet until it stops to find out who it is. My ears are ringing constantly! 

How can something make me drunk on love? And fear in my heart, anger… Pain… False… And random? 

How does it split in two? Seemingly.

How can something “talk” to me all day and it not be there? How can something lie to me all day? Nameless? 

I want to know how and why and what…… equally as I want it gone. I think that’s natural. But I’m willing to give up my curiosity for freedom from this thing.