This was comforting. I don’t know if it was his voice and or the subject. I will probably listen to it a few more times. When this first started happening and I started hearing, you’re a racist, you’re a child molestor, you are white, you’re ugly, you are this and that …. Things that seemed the opposite of what I know myself to be. The woman I originally contacted around twin flame stuff had mentioned “shadow work”. I originally thought it was some sort of witch craft but found out its about working out our, “sacred wounds”.
I mean it makes sense and then it doesn’t.
I guess from a scientific standpoint I can understand it. From an experiencial standpoint I can not. So I am having a hard time accepting this as my reality forever. I can only accept the now and deal with it the best way I can. But forever? Does it really have to be forever?
To what extent is this pure chemical mind stuff? Or is it induced (by outside or environmental forces)? What triggers?
How deeply must I accept, other than the words I speak inside my head?
How do I move on?
When looking at some of the commonalities between “mental illnesses”, not for all, but there seems to be a root of obsession. Now I’m not saying that these obsessions (possession….) Are what the individual wants in their life…. But where did it come from? What whispers or suggests it. Obsession is not a habit. So I will proabily be looking more into obsession.
I currently have obsessive thoughts of a handful of themes that are spoken from a voice that does not seem of myself. (Entity) WHY? Its one thing to hear/feel like commiting suicide a couple times in your life. But if you hear/feel that everyday that is obsessive. I do and I don’t even want to.
I originally had to peel myself away from the Twin Flame concept because at its core…. It felt obsessive…. Being obsessed with someone you are no longer with (ie. The runner/chaser phase). As I said prior to this full on experience. I was crying (seriously everyday), checking his Facebook.. Looking for clues… and I could not understand WHY I was feeling this way when I was ready to move on. I even blocked myself from my Facebook so I couldn’t look at it anymore, casted a random “forget him spell” I found on the internet (which didn’t work BTW) because it didn’t feel like me, I couldn’t stop myself, as much as I wanted to. I hear his name over 500 times a 12 hour period till this day. It is like watching a slow car crash for over a year.
At the root of it was obsession/ obsessive thougts or actions first to understand why I was feeling the way I did at the time… But that quickly progressed into a much bigger production than I ever thought was even possible. (Other themes/delusions that I have talked about in this blog). The obsession became a delusion.
Having this …. Entity…. Repeat the same themes, words, names, sensations, over and over again all day is just….. Idk.
I can’t say I I haven’t been obsessive or missed someone before. One ex I remember that for every time I thought about her I would make myself do 100 sit ups. For a little while I did it maybe 2-3 times a day and or just for myself. I mean the last vegan guy I dated in January I miss him on occasion. I see his name or something reminds me of him and I think “aww… I shouldn’t have pushed him away.” But I didn’t want to drag him into my shit show if he wasn’t rock steady. And that’s every so often and I’m OK with it.
But its my ex (“twin flame”) that the Entity hid behind. And that’s the one it chooses to say his name 500 times a day or make me feel like I wasn’t pretty enough for him or go over memories and give them new meanings…. whatever the list can go on and on because its crazy…. And obsessive.
But it just seems so outside of myself. What is the root of obsession/ obsessiveness? One article I quickly glazed over said fear….. (Things being a certain way)…… I would also add pain.
The only thing is the pain…. The fear of feeling like I had no control…. Just felt outside of me….. And a few months later here comes Mr. Entity with the mic in hand.
I’ve been eating obsessively which I can own…. Don’t think about that too much just happens. But this entity……. Does have much to do with that. Sometimes but not really.
So I’m suppose to just accept MY enemy? This darkness? Just live with it?
So…………. Yea that all I have to say for now.