Watch “Carl Jung on Accepting the Darkness of Self and Others”

This was comforting. I don’t know if it was his voice and or the subject. I will probably listen to it a few more times. When this first started happening and I started hearing, you’re a racist, you’re a child molestor, you are white, you’re ugly, you are this and that …. Things that seemed the opposite of what I know myself to be. The woman I originally contacted around twin flame stuff had mentioned “shadow work”. I originally thought it was some sort of witch craft but found out its about working out our, “sacred wounds”. 

I mean it makes sense and then it doesn’t. 

I guess from a scientific standpoint I can understand it. From an experiencial standpoint I can not. So I am having a hard time accepting this as my reality forever. I can only accept the now and deal with it the best way I can. But forever? Does it really have to be forever?

To what extent is this pure chemical mind stuff? Or is it induced (by outside or environmental forces)? What triggers?

How deeply must I accept, other than the words I speak inside my head?

How do I move on?

When looking at some of the commonalities between “mental illnesses”, not for all, but there seems to be a root of obsession. Now I’m not saying that these obsessions (possession….) Are what the individual wants in their life…. But where did it come from? What whispers or suggests it. Obsession is not a habit. So I will proabily be looking more into obsession. 

I currently have obsessive thoughts of a handful of themes that are spoken from a voice that does not seem of myself. (Entity) WHY? Its one thing to hear/feel like commiting suicide a couple times in your life. But if you hear/feel that everyday that is obsessive. I do and I don’t even want to.

I originally had to peel myself away from the Twin Flame concept because at its core…. It felt obsessive…. Being obsessed with someone you are no longer with (ie. The runner/chaser phase). As I said prior to this full on experience. I was crying (seriously everyday), checking his Facebook.. Looking for clues… and I could not understand WHY I was feeling this way when I was ready to move on. I even blocked myself from my Facebook so I couldn’t look at it anymore, casted a random “forget him spell” I found on the internet (which didn’t work BTW) because it didn’t feel like me, I couldn’t stop myself, as much as I wanted to. I hear his name over 500 times a 12 hour period till this day. It is like watching a slow car crash for over a year.

At the root of it was obsession/ obsessive thougts or actions first to understand why I was feeling the way I did at the time… But that quickly progressed into a much bigger production than I ever thought was even possible. (Other themes/delusions that I have talked about in this blog). The obsession became a delusion.

Having this …. Entity…. Repeat the same themes, words, names, sensations, over and over again all day is just….. Idk.

I can’t say I I haven’t been obsessive or missed someone before. One ex I remember that for every time I thought about her I would make myself do 100 sit ups. For a little while I did it maybe 2-3 times a day and or just for myself. I mean the last vegan guy I dated in January I miss him on occasion. I see his name or something reminds me of him and I think “aww… I shouldn’t have pushed him away.” But I didn’t want to drag him into my shit show if he wasn’t rock steady. And that’s every so often and I’m OK with it.

But its my ex (“twin flame”) that the Entity hid behind. And that’s the one it chooses to say his name 500 times a day or make me feel like I wasn’t pretty enough for him or go over memories and give them new meanings…. whatever the list can go on and on because its crazy…. And obsessive.

But it just seems so outside of myself. What is the root of obsession/ obsessiveness? One article I quickly glazed over said fear….. (Things being a certain way)…… I would also add pain. 

The only thing is the pain…. The fear of feeling like I had no control…. Just felt outside of me….. And a few months later here comes Mr. Entity with the mic in hand.

I’ve been eating obsessively which I can own…. Don’t think about that too much just happens. But this entity……. Does have much to do with that. Sometimes but not really. 

So I’m suppose to just accept MY enemy? This darkness? Just live with it?

So…………. Yea that all I have to say for now. 

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This Mess-ness

Today I  saw a woman in a forum thay was crying out for help and saying she wanted to commit suicide and opt for the next life time because she is feeling too much and overwhelmed. I heard “feeling too much” and overwhelmed and automatically knew.

Other people in the group thread went on about, “that’s her choice” and getting all philosophical about reincarnation, death, alien spaceships, and god, and TOTALLY overlooking that this woman just said she wants to COMMIT SUICIDE and leave behind her family because she is feeling things too intensely out of no where.

They comepletly overlooked it. Glazed over it so that they can just go on about their belief system. I was the first of maybe 3 people (out many comments) who told her please don’t and reached out.

Like…… 

I got kinda emotional (angry at the comments, sad she wants to do it, upset cause this is happening a lot to people) but I felt like I could control them. But it scared me….. Cause I knew exactly how she felt. But I would never really need to know the sentiments in order to value the life of a perfect stranger…. But I knew. 

I messaged her…. Let her talk…. She still bottled up some things and wasn’t super open. But I asked a few other questions…. And knew we were experiencing the same thing. I asked her if she would smell scents out of no where. She said yes. So while she may not have a voice on blast…. Something is up.

I shared a bit of myself as did she but it took all my might to restrain myself. I wanted this space to be about her. She had mentioned a few things about entities and terrible dreams. I didn’t want to mention anything about an entity although I suspected, I didn’t even want that fear in her mind. But since she mentioned it, I had to tell her not to let it eat her alive and that the dream is trying to cause more fear since she is sensitive from the loss of her mother. Which seems like it was then spilling over into her relationship because of the anxiety. (She told me other things that seem similar but no need to go into detail). 

It sucks right… Cause you have people out in the world who might not understand, or just judge you, or want to fit your mess in a neat box and prescribe you a pill, or glaze over you and not give two 💩💩. But you have to let someone know what’s going on SOMEONE! So that maybe there will be at least an understanding. A safety net. And you can’t keep it bottled inside.

I told her I’m here for her if she ever wants to vent and unload and I will just listen. Cause this is A LOT of people experience psychotic / schizophrenic symptoms that are ONLY suppose hit a small portion (1-1.5%) of the population. I find that there many women in their late twenties to mid thirties having some random psychotic Britney Spears break down. Maybe its because I notice or connect with women more, maybe its because we are “conditioned” to be more vocal. Its mostly women that I see the change in. Maybe men have accepted certain things as apart of our reality. (Being general AF and not trying to be sexist or cis-gender centric just trying to get the ideas out). Actually my cuzin/ best friend/ old roomies identifies as a non-binary transwoman, and has been experiencing certain things which have had me concerned (like blacking out no drugs and thinking her group of friends were casting spells on her) But there is always various degrees so I try to step back when I feel its not an emergency. 

What the fuck is up tho? Seriously? Good people….. These are good people. 

And if we don’t stand together and build each other up there is no hope. 

Rain on me

Tonight there is a thunderstorm in NYC. I opened all the windows let the air in and just listening to the rumble along with distant traffic.

There is a calm listening to the slow crackle…. No peace …. But a calm at 5am.

Vibrational Match

Ok. 

So I’m not the happiest person in the world. I’ve listened to my share of down tempo and witchhouse music. But I can’t totally understand the notion that like attracts like…. Energetically speaking. Especially if life is filled with the fucked up ironies.

How did I allow this entity thing into my life? And why is it here? I try to ignore it. I do. But even I find a moment of relief (which has only been recently)….. For one moment…  Then either the entity draws my attention back to it OR I energetically look around and see if the coast is clear.

I know I’ve gone through some tings in life, always having to move around in my home city cause rent sucks and never knowing when someone might flip mode, a couple of bad decisions that I’ve gotten over….. but how did this happen? How does that concept apply?

How energetically could I EVER be at the same “vibration” as this entity? I try to understand…. I do…. But something is missing from all of this. Something doesn’t make sense. And I am willing to let that go but as long as I feel this entities presence ….. Hear its voice the question will be there….

Why?

Are “past lives” just an excuse to play in our heads? “Karma” a justification for not leaving? Fear a way to control? Unknown… To keep you going? 

I was forced a sip of the kool aid…. And it tastes like shit. Bullshit.

I can sit here and make up some life lesson… And draw conclusions…. Some reason to excuse this experience. But I can’t . I can’t for this one.

GO HOME!

#crybaby #bigmouth

(I blanked out the name for privacy as much as I would like to give credit)

Don’t get me wrong, if someone asks me to keep something a secret. I will. at best never attach a name to it if I talked about in passing. I’m sure I just inspired this entity thing for more “karma play”. 😩

But for the most part I’m a big mouth, but I try to not take up too much space (was taught the step up, step back rule). I just say that cause I write about my experience a lot and try to keep it honest but also respectful.  

That was a side note.

—————————————————————–

So this Entity has been telling me to “GO HOME!” (Sometime interchanged with “Go to God”)  meaning commit suicide, (by means of molestion (forced childhood fear) for my ex (twin flame which doesn’t exist). Sooooo…. I only point that out as that what was told to me in all seriousness and its absurd and completely ridiculous….. And WRONG.

Main point is that this Entity has been telling me to “Go Home“, and it “doesn’t care how long this takes” for over a year now. And its annoying! 😩 It’s like shut up already I’m not drinking the koolaid…. Fuck out of here.

In my previous blog last year which the entity tricked me into deleting on tumblr and was more “twin flame” related, I had talked about this go home “message” I heard everyday more in depth. And right after this couple made this video. Which is cute and worth checking out. And it was comforting and reassure me of my place in the world.

As someone who was homeless (underhoused, crashing, sofa surfing) and trying to bring myself out (but moving every two year cause nyc housing sucks) of that to then find myself back at my parents who originally kicked me out. Is/was just….. Disappointing. I was planning for so much… To finally live on my own (so I didn’t have roommates screwing me over for money) or with a partner which I thought would be more stable. And working hard towards it. But …. I roll with the punches. 

Its just this opponent….. I’m not so fond of.

Currently living at my parents is something i am both grateful for and still uncomfortable with. I moved from their sofa to a corner of the living room with shoji dividing screens wrapped around my sisters previous bed. I gave away all my stuff once I was forced to quit my job by this Entity. (Yes the truama is still there, that’s why I mention it so much.) I didn’t plan being here this long, or for my sister to have a stroke…. Or me to go crazy. So it’s just. Idk.

The entity would tell me to both Go Home as well as tell me to leave my family to then leave NYC for my ex (twin flame). Once I tried to actually leave to long island cause I felt so closed in by this entity fro. Being in the city around so many people it was playing off of and I was in the middle of the production and I just needed to get out and I saw a vision of me just sleeping on the beach in the clothes I had on in hope of escaping the nightmare that was happening and find some peace. I couldn’t even get on the right train with the ticket in my hand. I kept going to the right track and the conductor kept saying it was going to Washington . So I gave up and went home defeated. Stuck.

I don’t even know if I should even really re write what happened at that time… At times there are so many paradox’s …. Contrary statements …. It was a confusing time so while I understanding the just of it explaining would be hard to follow and probably not make any sense.

The above image of the Facebook post my friend made just resonated for me. 1. Cause I’m tried of this thing telling me to go home 2. The Entity has made more of a home out of me than I have. 3. I hope to find my own place in the world (even though I don’t believe in the owner ship of land but whatever) 4. GO HOME/ GO TO GOD ….. I can’t say. I can’t. I don’t know. I think I’m a good person for the most part. I can’t fully judge …. I don’t know if there is a “judgment day”…. I don’t know what god looks like…. I dont KNOW what happens after death. I never asked …. I just believe in GOD.

But alas the eviction notice for this entity is still in acted. I just dont understand how it has gotten away with what it has done. I just don’t. I guess bad people get away with shit all the time. But I just don’t see how there is nothing plucking this nasty speck out of my sphere. 

I just know I’m done with it. 

Petty Memes

So………….. 

On the grand scheme of things I am unsure of where I am at. I’m not in the depths of the delusion…. But still hearing that disgusting voice, still seeing sparkles, random images I’ve never seen before and sometime indescribable. The voice has dialed down in volume 100 to 40, but still “has influence”, which is annoying. I don’t know if it is going in deeper or being rejected out. I don’t know if its here to stay …. Or as they say this too will pass. Will I move pass this entity leaving it behind for good?

So…… I have refused to be silent about my experience. I am sorry if that scares people, but image what that is for me. As i have imaged what is for people who havent been able to pull themselves out or find support. And I refuse to be drawn into fear and illusion.

So I haven’t really been outside much in the last two weeks. I had also explained to my mom’s friend I had always been an outside person, but I have been trying to at least interact with people virtually (fb groups and chats and here). I try to share my experience both for myself and for people that are going through and just to connect and not feel so isolated. Ya know. Get out of this head that has been damaged to what feels at times beyond repair.

So, as I have discussions with people (mostly 90% positive) the entity tries to pin me against other people in forums. It want me to argue/ or press a convo when its done. It tries to make it seem like my opinion and voice is not valuable to the discussion or someone said something better than me (which at times the do) but turns it into…. jelousy is the best way to describe it or feeling lesser than, instead of appreciating and agreeing with their opinion. Over the last few days this has been more apparent than usuall. Petty. So basically it wants me to become an internet troll. 😒 

I’m not impressed.

I don’t know if I’m suppose to NOW have compassion for internet trolls (sarcasm in case you didn’t catch it)…… But uhm Yea…. This is the final notice of an eviction for this entity.

But I know how to play” said the entity just now as I write this. Idk what that even means but whatever. 

I am rebuilding a sense of community, bridging connections even if its virtual.

We will add petty to list of adjectives to discribe this entity…. Probably the least volitile one I can come up with at this moment. 

“Don’t Date Men”

So for a while the entity kept saying “don’t date men” and saying I’m gay “again” for months. Even though dating is the least of my concerns right now. 

So my mom invited her hairdresser friend over (who I hadn’t seen in years) and things were cool. I was honest about my situation and what I am going through. And apologized for my unwillingness to present myself in a reasonable manner (ie take a shower and get out of my house clothes that I had been wearing since the Easter breakdown in church). 

We laughed and joked about it. He told me about the times he had gone through his mini breakdowns and such. After a few drinks (I wasn’t drinking) he told me I should take a bath and we prayed. I complied and when I got out of the shower he told me I need to shave my face because I look like I’m “trying to be a transgender man” and started laughing at me (I have PCOS) and I tried to take the high road and talk about mybskin regimin but he was insistant. I didn’t comply only because I was also giving my skin a rest from plucking and again it is the least of my worries right now. 

Then he out of know where said “you should not date men, I mean I can’t even find me a good man.” Now normally this wouldn’t have bothered me. But accompanied with the transgender comment and poking poking about it 6 times and the fact I never told him I was dating men. I was like OK my mom was telling him about me? Like a man brought this into my life? (Cause it didn’t matter who I was with this entity doesn’t want me to be with anyone… Isolated alone and unhappy.)

I told him “you kicked me in my fave twice on your way out“, he said “how did I do that?” I said, “IDK like a ninja?”

So I walked away and then he kept grabbing my shoulder I told him to not touch me twice and the third I blew up and screamed leave me alone. The entity kept trying to shame me and say I was embarrassing my mom. But I really didn’t care in that moment. I slammed the door to my sister room and locked myself in until he left he said bye I said peace. 

Later I asked my sister if I was wrong. She said well he kept pushing it. I told her I don’t have any animosity towards him, I just try to let people know in the moment. I guess that because i shared with him explicitly what i was going through something and hearing really really negative voices that I expected him to be more conciderate and kind as i have always been with him. (With most people actually). But I should have kept my cool. 

I let it blow over and later before I went to bed my mom came over and said, he shouldn’t have said what he said. And I asked her if she ever told him that I was dating men. She said no and I kinda believe her. So ….  Then I got confused.

Either way. That was my yesterday. I really need to keep my cool. Crazy is one thing anger is another….. Normally it takes a lot more for me to blow up….. But this experience got me on edge. I can take ownership of that.

I watched a YouTube video that had mentioned that “channeled” messages or maybe even sychonicities are apart of being stuck in the “matrix”. Its like you get stuck on signs and messages and the ironies (“karma”) and synchronicities just to figure out how to navigate and give it this “meaning” as to WHY these things are happening. Or they just could have happened and we can be aware and still put ourselves in other people’s shoes and come from a place of understanding with out having to go through the whole production. Who knows.

New Feeling: vag stab

So I had two wonderful women encourage me to empower myself today. And I am try to fix my mind on that. Its always been there…. Having others who get what your going through helps as well.

Today after my post I received what felt like at first cramps that lead up to my moon cycle (it was shorter last month since I’ve gained weight). But this pain…. This pain was new. I quickly went from a dull crampy pain to someone stabbing the Venus mound on my croutch to literally feeling like there was something moving around not inside but on the outside and it was painful. I’m not sure if its my period and I’m just on high alert, but the sensation that there was something moving like a fast slug or something was a sensation I’ve never felt before……. And I’ve felt a lot at this point. 

Will update if my per’d shows up. 

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