I wish I had a pretty “Awakening”, if that is what you would call this….. I call it a curse. Others they call it ascension or weakening or kundalini or dark night of the soul or plain ol schizophrenia or Demonic possession.
So many names for the event in which I life crumbles and it seems as if our mind and body has turned against us.
Why isn’t it pretty? Aside from the sparkles and flashes of light and curiosity…… everything else has been a living nightmare.
Where one woman spoke about “being overwhelmed with the power of God” that she and a room full of people started a spontaneously orgasming. I on the other hand saw it as spiritual rape. Every day all day. I hate it……… it’s embarrassing. It doesn’t feel God like it feels violating like you can’t pick my toe or my thigh?
I wish my Awakening looked like inspiration at least if not joy. Like a friend. Like meaning.
Instead it’s just been one long nightmare. Like isolation. Like confusion and lies. Like pain.
Some people say “you need to hit rock bottom” or “you need to nothing to appreciate what you have” bla bla actually I don’t think you need to go to those painful extremes in order to be grateful.
Some would even say be grateful for the blessing or the lesson. But this experience has been neither. It’s pointless mindless waste of time. All this “it will make sense in time”. Or maybe we will tell ourselves some lie to make us feel better that some fucked up shit happened to us.
I’m not with it. None of it makes sense and yet I’m kinda forced to try and understand these concepts to some degree because I’m smack dab in a “spiritual attack” or whatever. And it sucks.
Some say it could be worse I say don’t invalidate me and it could be a WHOLE LOT BETTER!
So who gets the pretty Awakening? The lightworker pretty light show with friendly angels and bla bla bla? Cause I have yet to experience that for myself. Maybe 1 or 2 times but again at this point I’m not sure what’s what and any experience now is suspect.
I see black flashes energy snapping in and out of my view, I hear it, feel it. It sounds like a fuse blowing like a light went out. And I suffer the consequences of living in this body.
This shit suck forever and always and I’m over it. I’m tired of seeing alien dinosaur gecko reptilian or trolls or demons or these black hair ball energy. Morphing faces creeping up on people in and photos and on people’s clothes and I’m just like what the fuck is going on?!? And I am not the only one who sees it but I’m the only one around me that does. And it’s pointless and annoying and distracting.
Every morning I wake up to being raped in that moment between dreams and telling yourself to wake up. It SUCKS!
Why does “Awakening” feel like being put asleep on ice? Is this more of the joke of opposite world?!?
I just want this to be over there is no point to this.