Lithium (pt 2)

I’m not sure if it’s the Lithium or the fact that I read two articles that suggested that God allows you to go through this situation.

But I am SO ANGRY.

WHY won’t God just kill these Demons already who are toying with humans? Enslaving humans? Me?

Like why is this being drawn out into an epic novella when God can just wipe them out and we can get rid of at least one form of pointless suffering?

I don’t want to be mad at God. Cause I know that wrong believe with all my might and being. I said THIS ISNT MY GOD. I defended my God. You will see it through out my blog!

But at the end of the day ….. the creator of ALL things let’s this piece of shit Entities exist but let his son die? Let this piece of shit rape me day in and day out ……. and I suppose not come out this shit with questions? What kinda dumb bitch is that?

So I’m not sure if this the Lithium talking and got me way the fuck off balance or if this an epiphany. That I’m nothing ……. but a pawn ….. a toy…. in a game that has nothing to do with me.

I’m just so sick of this bullshit.

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Profound Life Event 😲

So this guy I dated said he. Went to Niagara Fall before making a big decision to move to NYC and beat depression because of his mom.

Other people will say God told them to do this or that. Or they saw signs to go this path……

And I guess IDK…. I am wondering what will and if there will be a proud moment in my life about this situation.

I just read that Schizophrenics are likely to live 20 less years than the average person. So that means all I have is 15 years left. 20 of which I spent my youth clawing my way out out poverty and bad relationships. And now I get to entertain demons for the last quarter of my life. πŸ˜”

This is really as good as it gets?

I was always humble and tried to stay with in my means. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here other than I clinicly don’t have much longer ………. and these pills don’t even work…… and none of this spiritual hopla is making any difference and I’m just wasting away in a corner of my moms apartment that vaguely looks like a jail cell because of the sonji screens surrounding it and I’m over hearing about my ex and his life or my fathers penis or child molestation or being raped or how ugly and fat I’ve become.

Or how God doesn’t care or some twisted religious stuff. Or no one cares. Which is accurate because this is levels of fuckery no one could truly understand but God.

Where’s the turning point? It’s been 3 years… more if you count grooming by these demons.

I’m not brace or strong. I just have no choice in enduring. I begged God to please obliterate my soul. I don’t want exist in any life or plane or universe where these disgusting demons exist as well. I hope God will have Mercy on me and understanding. I don’t want to remember any of this ever or to play this game…. so it’s best to just not exist.

Into words …. πŸ“ Sunken Place

I’m rarely the type that doesn’t know how I feel or why or have something to say about it.

My friend wants me to be a twin flame and says I am and I don’t think I am a twin flame or a light worker or a 144k (from the Bible) or any of that. I don’t feel awakened or enlightened. I’m just a partially possessed woman who is pissed off she experienced this.

So thinking about being “post” all these spiritual labels that seem to take the focus off of God I started to cry I couldn’t but I’m trying to find the words of how I felt. Embarrassed and sad, longing knowing none of the super powers will “awaken” my “twin flame” will never come back all the stories that got WAY the fuck out of control and the Entities took advantage of my naivety I just feel embarrassed and sad.

So while some of this was harmless at first it’s not helping now. The only thing that brings me some hope and joy is that the heavens (astral/ethers) will be destroyed and created a new as it says in revelations. It has to be true…. this has gone on for too long. And as much as I just wanted to enjoy life through Gods love, if God is not pleased with me I have no choice. I have begged for forgiveness, all I can do is hope it gets better for others.

It was such a strange cry, I’m sure these demons are drinking my tears as a mid night snack. I tried not to cry today….. but it happened. I know my mistakes….. this is the first time I haven’t been able to move forward to correct them.

So I’m just stuck…… in this sunken place with these Entities. And I just don’t know what to do in the time I wait. I feel like crap mostly so my attention is on that.

I don’t know if God is an ACTUAL entity like these fools. Ya know? Like I don’t know. I know humans give God such human attributes. And I can’t say I KNOW. But do I have to to give thanks?

So no BOOM super powers for enduring this pain….. that is an illusion, no twin flame return cause it’s bs ….. no enlightenment although I have a bunch of info I could have done with out. All is a distraction from God and my happiness. But I don’t know how to get back.

BIG SIGH πŸ˜”

https://youtu.be/P94ZXqIATy4

Radio Silence: False Acturians in Astrals

So my parents are away and I decided to turn off all the TVs, and cut off all the fans AND any other ambient noises (radio clocks).

I heard less voices and ONE voice…… and maybe a distant scream. Then the voices got SUPER MEAN like they became WAY more physical as I was trying to sleep I noticed a huge migraine (even though I took my migraine meds), anxiety in my body and a racing thoughts so I acknowledged them and tried to just breathe then the voices/ Entities started making me feel ill….. if not actually thumping my heart.

Then I saw this bitch come down into my third eye and give me a dream ….. one moment it’s about BeyoncΓ© the next it turns into my father raping me AGAIN!!!!! And then I cussed them out in my dream calling them a piece of shit and then they start pounding on my heart…… and then how I now KNOW that shit is not just my heart acting up is that they started thumping my neck and I woke up.

This all happened in an hour and a half of sleep. So I didn’t even get to sleep.

All because they didn’t have voices to play off of with all from the TV and radios. Pieces of shit. I swear I’m going to disintegrate them.

Fucking assholes.

This bitch down here said she’s Acturian. Said she “test before I sit”. This bitch needs to find another seat. This is just one drawing but there are other forms. If this bitch has anything to do with any of this she can not possibly be Acturian. And no she can not sit or mount or anything. Gross piece of shit Entity.

These Demonic Astral parasitic Entities are getting really desperate.

Mirror Mirror πŸ™‡πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

So I felt pressure on my forehead when I was in the bathroom and figured let me look at forehead and see if I see anything.

The Entity never really want me to look in the mirror. Every time I would look at the mirror the Entity would go off about how ugly I am and all the regular bull shit. So I just stopped looking in the mirror just to stop some of it cause I didn’t want to hear it but it’s kind of pointless because he still calls me ugly anyway.

So I stare at my face in the mirror and LOW AND BEHOLD I could see the little gecko looking Entity in the center of my forehead and all these flower and line patterns on the areas of my face that felt pain/tension.

So not only am I ACTUALLY cursed I have to look cursed as well!

I have also seen this on other people on tv I was just wondering if they had it. Not everyone does. But some actors I could see it on their skin.

So what’s the difference between me and them? They have flowers or little astral beings on the forehead….. they are actors living out their dreams and shit….. what’s the difference between me cursed as fuck and them living the dream?

Do they know there is an astral gecko spitting flowers all over their face? Do they hear voices too? Vile things? Does it hurt?

I don’t know!!!

WTf?!?!?!?!?!

Why God why?

Stockholm Syndrome: Falling in love with abuser.

So one thing I noticed when the Entities “moved on” or was trying to transition the topic of my false twin flame, was when I would see a reptilian like Entity with the body of say my ex (muscular) and the face of a reptilian. The Entity would try to make it seem like I was turned on by the Reptilian as I observed the outlines trying to make out what I was looking at. As everything else that’s NOT a turn on it would connect to my vagina and create a buzzing sensation to make it seem as if it is. (YOU HAVE NO IDEA how tired I am of raping and touching my vagina all day every day for 2.5 years!)

It wants to pervert love, God and all things good. Our good nature, or protective nature, our truth seeking nature.

I am tired of trying to make pain look beautiful. We romanticize our pain, create beauty out of torture in hopes that it might be less painful for another, and that our testimony is the end that chapter of pain painted with water colors of understanding that we picked out to say I survived.

But it’s still pain. It should be. It’s the whisper in an ear that turns a head to look at another a think they want to hurt them. To cause pain. It’s the feeling that we think we deserve this pain. To perpetuate pain. And essentially it is a lie.

I refuse to be in love with my abuser (these Demonic astral beings) or the idea of being abused. That “pain brings awareness” or some other lame excuse to perpetuate pain and lies.

Between “Dark” and “Light” πŸŒ“

The funny thing is that…… hmm ……

When I see astral Entities in the 3D realm there has to be a certain amount of light and darkness.

With my eyes I can see and outline or a ripple in space but usually not the whole form. Only on occasion and I never know why. Maybe closer to when I awake or go to sleep as that’s when brain waves change. My assumption.

I can better see them in photos as I can follow the lines a bit easier and examine but rarely with the naked eye.

I thought about this card in the tarot deck. A card reader said she wanted to speak to me and gave me a reading. This card came up and the woman asked me if I know what the bandages meant I originally said “protection” I guess I thought my world was being “opened up” to all these entities and I thought covering my eyes was a way to not see it.

But today I realized the bandages were …. are actually the matrix that is binding. It is the illusion. I was/am just so IN IT that I thought I was being opened to a another world. That this world was an illusion and what was happening to me would reveal another world …… maybe a better one πŸ˜₯.

So I can physically see the Entities that continue to bind me today between darkness and the light.

In a way the same it is a metaphor for my believes. While I believe in God, it was somewhere in the balance of observing darkness and light that I was able to say “hmm that does make sense”. These Entities play off your beliefs, if you are occult they will play off that if you’re fundamentally Christian or religious they will claim God and condemn you, if you are atheist or believe it’s a government …… they will act as military or aliens….. new age they will act as angels and spirit guide kundalini Awakening ……. and maybe it’s everything and none of it at all but the one underlying truth I found with them is pain and lies.

Not sticking to one belief and observing I saw how these particular Entities switched up the story on me so many times in a short period of time. Twin flame, Im Isis reincarnated, past lives, Then god condemning me then Satan then, then alien reptilians, the the list can go on and on.

So…… yea. I don’t subscribe to duality. I’m done with their games, and I pray my assumptions are wrong. But there are definitely levels to the sleep and I pray that everyone awakes from this slumber gently and peacefully.

#nomorelies

Dude πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

So today some girl put up a chat between her and this guy that she was just talking to who kept bringing up her weight. She told him she would like to talk about something else and he went off about how he deserves a “thick” woman that he can buy a house for and she was unworthy because she is lazy and fat (granted this was in a weight loss group and she is not fat).

I realized that this tone, this voice, this sentiment sounded so familiar. It took me a while to realize that guys were using me and I didn’t know better. Ultimately the Entity took on the persona of these type of men. That only value you if your pretty or thin or silent.

Silent because then they can continue their abusive behavior.

And now I live with the repercussions every moment of everyday cause someone wasn’t raised right.

This Entity mimics these sentiments. Emotionally mentally abusive calling me ugly and fat and yet rapes me as I wake up every morning. I still don’t know why. Or how. Exactly.

I tried talking some dude on OkCupid just to chill and talk and this guy wanted to video chat right off the bat and I wasn’t in the mood to I just wanted to text and he kept on insisting even though I said another time. And he got mad at me. It’s like never enough ……. always have to get more out of the situation.

So now I’m afraid to talk to guys let alone date because it’s always about getting more and progressing so fast. If it’s a chat then it’s phone/video/endless picture requests. If it’s a date then it’s sex. If it’s sex then it’s some freaky shit. And if not that then rape.

Like I just don’t understand men.

People want to say “oh it’s a reflection of you” you need to soul search. We maybe it’s NOT! Maybe you’re a nice person and didn’t take someone at face value. Maybe people are assholes and their everywhere and it’s totally unavoidable. Maybe you are looking for an actual reflection of yourself and the opposite.

Not to mention with this schiz demon if someone is not gentle with me I pay the price and the schiz demon just finished the job for them. So how am I suppose to have human contact? How am I suppose to leave the house? I’m tired and bored and over this.

I can’t imagine this is what God wants. I don’t see how. I hate this.

Pretty Awakening 🌿🌷🌿

I wish I had a pretty “Awakening”, if that is what you would call this….. I call it a curse. Others they call it ascension or weakening or kundalini or dark night of the soul or plain ol schizophrenia or Demonic possession.

So many names for the event in which I life crumbles and it seems as if our mind and body has turned against us.

Why isn’t it pretty? Aside from the sparkles and flashes of light and curiosity…… everything else has been a living nightmare.

Where one woman spoke about “being overwhelmed with the power of God” that she and a room full of people started a spontaneously orgasming. I on the other hand saw it as spiritual rape. Every day all day. I hate it……… it’s embarrassing. It doesn’t feel God like it feels violating like you can’t pick my toe or my thigh?

I wish my Awakening looked like inspiration at least if not joy. Like a friend. Like meaning.

Instead it’s just been one long nightmare. Like isolation. Like confusion and lies. Like pain.

Some people say “you need to hit rock bottom” or “you need to nothing to appreciate what you have” bla bla actually I don’t think you need to go to those painful extremes in order to be grateful.

Some would even say be grateful for the blessing or the lesson. But this experience has been neither. It’s pointless mindless waste of time. All this “it will make sense in time”. Or maybe we will tell ourselves some lie to make us feel better that some fucked up shit happened to us.

I’m not with it. None of it makes sense and yet I’m kinda forced to try and understand these concepts to some degree because I’m smack dab in a “spiritual attack” or whatever. And it sucks.

Some say it could be worse I say don’t invalidate me and it could be a WHOLE LOT BETTER!

So who gets the pretty Awakening? The lightworker pretty light show with friendly angels and bla bla bla? Cause I have yet to experience that for myself. Maybe 1 or 2 times but again at this point I’m not sure what’s what and any experience now is suspect.

I see black flashes energy snapping in and out of my view, I hear it, feel it. It sounds like a fuse blowing like a light went out. And I suffer the consequences of living in this body.

This shit suck forever and always and I’m over it. I’m tired of seeing alien dinosaur gecko reptilian or trolls or demons or these black hair ball energy. Morphing faces creeping up on people in and photos and on people’s clothes and I’m just like what the fuck is going on?!? And I am not the only one who sees it but I’m the only one around me that does. And it’s pointless and annoying and distracting.

Every morning I wake up to being raped in that moment between dreams and telling yourself to wake up. It SUCKS!

Why does “Awakening” feel like being put asleep on ice? Is this more of the joke of opposite world?!?

I just want this to be over there is no point to this.

Duality and “Opposite World” πŸŒ“

A common theme that seems to play both in the “spiritual” and “occult” but also with in the mental health community and maybe most visible among schizophrenics is duality.

Dark vs Light

Good vs Bad

Truth vs Lies

Reality vs Illusions

I called it “opposite world” because this is how the Entity debased my reality. They would try to convince me that my ex loved me and this was a special connect but then say or do the opposite. And my ex wouldn’t say anything keeping radio silent. Hey wouldn’t say he did or didn’t love me leaving me as sacrifice to these Entities.

They would also say or try to convince me I was a child molester and then say “opposite” and that’s when I had to stop the car and get the fuck out and figure out where the fuck I am cause things where getting out of hand.

In our own minds we have a moral compass (most of us anyway), and to then have attempts made to convince us of the opposite we question. I think questioning HUH? Is natural in the beginning, believing we were bad people in a past life. Or even good people. The unknown is always an easy way to manipulate….. because truth is pretty simple.