Thought from a forum


Not my words, but of someone in a forum. I just am trying to keep privacy in check, #respectfulBIGmouth. A guy yesterday in a private chat told me not to attribute ANYTHING to what is happening to me, or try to understand it at this point.

In a way, I felt these sensations, lack of control…. Triggering sensations, thoughts, images…. And all I could think of is rape, not me, captivity, hell, loss, confusion, filth. 

I have not had a great experience with this energy over the last few years. I am trying to be nutruel/ positive about it. 

I found myself being more angry than I am use to. I quickly apologize always and everyone in my family is surprisingly understanding and is not holding it against me. But again I have been explicit about what I am going through just in case there were moments like that. Still doesn’t excuse to trying to keep myself composed. I just need to learn how to do this in public while experiencing this thing. 

Uhm…. But again…. I’m trying to approach/ understand this from many angles …. But maybe I need to stop trying to understand it…. Cause it will never make sense…. And I doubt its because my “tiny human brain” can’t handle it….. But because…. That’s just the mystery… And the mystery is the lure.

So trying to understand or attribute…… Is something I need to work on lessening. This is not because of some prize at the end of the rainbow….. But for my own “authenciticity” . 

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