Learning to live with it

Whatever it is….. Or did…. Or didn’t do…. For whatever reason it is here…. 

I’m trying to learn to live with it. 

Even tho it creeps me out…. That something is watching me all the time…… Or that my mind could turn against me in my darkest time….. 

I am learning to live with it the best I can…. Compassionately.

Dolla Dolla Bill$

Our society is so…….in constant conflict down to our cells. 

During this “journey” over the course of a year or so….. I have done so much research and have gone to so many healers looking for answers to my current situations.

All the information/ pathways cost money anywhere from a few bucks to thousands. Be it spiritual or medical. 

Don’t get me wrong I understand the concept of time and money in the material world as an artist, but at the same time…. How did we handle our “spiritual journey” kundalini, awakening, rites of passage ect in ancient times….. Or not so ancient times just in different cultures?

People are in desperate need of tools of understanding and being understood. If we are truly here to raise the vibration and save humanity. But I’ve always been wide eyes and fearless …. Probably what got mee in this mess in the first place. 

As someone who currently does not have the money to pay for another service that may or may not work and is drowning in a sea of information with an entity laughing at me while I try to keep my head above water…. I’m unsure what direction to go.

I’ve always been a student of life, but right now ….. With this entity….. I’m at a wall. I need guidance, assistance, help, community, someone who understands and can help me make sense. 

I’m not use and will never be use to these thoughts, images, sensations. How do you wake up one day and you’re in an awakening. One month you are OK and the next falling down a rabbit hole. 

The entity says all the time: I’m not done yet. 

Services say they can remove, spiritual groups say accept my karma or fate …. How is an entity attachment karma? Promise you I didn’t sign up for this shit. 

Listening to spiritual stuff use to get jazzed …. But now in my time of need… I can’t truly rely on the spiritual community only my own sense and a couple of people who didn’t let me jump. Most are just a pat on the back. 

How did we handle this as a culture before? Did we pay shamans or did you just go see shaman? Were rituals and prayers built into our everyday life so our mere existence was a song to God. That the four walls of any sanctuary or temple was for solitude or communion. I think you get what I’m saying. 

People talk about religion and wars and misinformation but what about spirituality and capitalism? Our society is not set up for the proper spiritual growth. I feel stuck. 

The entity said I’m fucked up for saying this.

Either way. As I said …. I understand this is peoples life work, mission, bread and butter. And at the same time I’m the Five of pentacles outside the sanctuary wanting to be inside …. Wanting to know….. 

What’s wrong with me?

Dating: Vegan Assholes

The entity gave me a dream of a 3D Simpson movie coming out focused on Lisa…. But I doubt it. 

Other then that, I’m looking into compassionate depossesion. 

Other then that, the entity told me long time ago don’t eat meat which I use to be vegetarian before it forced me to move to my parents house that eats unhealthy and has meat at every meal. I know veggie is best for me but its just more convenient to just eat with the family…. I don’t enjoy cooking like I use to. 

Anyway, dude (he is vegan) I was seeing is still texting me. He wants to talk it out but I’m kinda done with it. That whole DTF? thing just topped it for me cause clearly he doesn’t have respect. 

How are you a vegan and still an asshole? You have enough respect for random ass animals not to eat them but no respect for the life and body that’s in front of you. Fuck that! 

Date Night: DTF? 

(Diary of an ex twin flame)

So this new guy that entered my life and was so open about going through a similar expierence as me totally flipped mode. He went from being sweet to being gross in a week. Date Night pt 1 and pt 2

I wish I could heal that for him. A week ago he asked me to come over, I had to do some things but got dressed to go see him in his new apartment. I thought we might make out and watch some TV since he knew where I stood. But I’m stupid and it seems the only way for me not to be stupid is to become a complete hermit. The entity told me I shouldn’t go, but I wanted to get out of the house. 

So it had snowed and it was pretty cold but I called him to make sure he still wanted to hang out and I hopped in a cab get there and he fell asleep. I waited like 5 mins to see if he would answer but found another cab to go home. 4am he wakes up pissed that he fell asleep and I was kinda mad but, he said he had the worse weekend ever and begged me to come back over. Previously he had talked about making chocolate chip pancakes in the morning. Bla bla so I thought this gonna be cool. 

I get there he wasn’t answering the phone so was like is this a joke, the Entity told me I shouldn’t have went again and kinda consoled me because I thought there was something really wrong with this guy if he was pranking me. Finally i saw him walking down the street and when we get inside we started making out a bit, its nice, I like making out with him. We get comfortable to watch something on Netflix and all cuddled up and about 10 mins into the show he starts begging for sex. I told him the first few times to stop or I will punch him in his face, but I broke down and got intimate. I am terrible at saying NO. And I went through all this trouble to spend time with him. It’s not what I wanted but its what happened. 

So soon as we finished, like immediately after, he looked away and asked me to leave because he wasn’t sure about his roommates and having guests overnight. I just started crying, because it was so cold and I didn’t expect that. I don’t know why he would invite me over at that time if he wasn’t sure about overnight guest. Or at least tell me first, or at least cuddle with me after. But I cried mad cause I really liked this guy and that the Entity was right…this time.

I just cried and cried and ran out of his house jumped into a cab and got a disgusting breakfast hot pocket and cookies on the way home to stuff my face. Terrible I know. He texted me that night and morning but I didn’t answer. I mistakenly called him and we had a quick chat about the situation and I told him he hurt me. But ultimately I don’t want to be with someone who is gonna beg for sex. Maybe I just don’t know this dating and guys thing too well.

I hadn’t spoken to him in a week and he sent me a random text asking DTF? (Down to fuck?) I didn’t answer and he kept calling and texting saying I could sleep over, and as much as I wanted to see something other than these 4 walls I can’t compromise myself again. Sucks cause I really liked him and was hoping things worked out. 

Oh well. I would love nothing more than love & companionship …. But at what price? 

I know I’m not suppose to but still miss him (ex TF). It’s things like this that make me miss him more. Even awkward was comfortable. 

My happiness

My happiness is dependent on my sisters recovery and this entity exiting my life. Until then I’m at each disposal… Her schedule…. Unable to truly able to build my life the way I want to. Unable to go to the gym cause I’m tired from her keeping me up all night or this entity mentally exhausting every topic under the sun. 


Inner “Dialogue”

People have talked about the “inner dialogue” and up until last year I thought it was just when you kinda talk to yourself in your head, maybe had a stressful day … But its just you….. Thinking…. Venting…. Figuring things out. 

But it wasn’t until 2016 it was an on going non stop inner and outer dialogue. Constant debating of my thoughts, twisting, manipulating. There is this dialogue that I’m tired of yet I can not or haven’t learned how to stop engaging in. 

And its halting my life. Kundalini or not. It influences (attracts) and hinders (what I want) in my life.

I told this entity maybe we can learn to live together. In a way I was accepting him but I couldn’t do the disgusting images anymore. 1. They hurt 2. I don’t want to fucking see them! 

For a week or so things where OK. And then he decided to do his night terror and show me a gross image. I don’t know what triggered him or why. 

But I tried. But I can’t live like this any more (especially at this difficult time with my family) and at the same time deserve to create my life God willing. 

In my Element

I’m not in my element at all. 

I have no real space of my own. I’m not in my natural “environment of healing” or better yet I am unable to create it because this is not my home and all I have is a bed. Which I am thankful for. 

Normally I would retreat to my mind …. Set up alters ….wonder around looking for herbs to cure…. But I was met with a monster that showed up last year and hasn’t left since. 

I haven’t found a place to retreat physically or mentally to catch my breath and heal.

How do I heal and practice healing in an environmant that does not support it? In a world, in a country,in a city, in a house, in a body, in a mind with a spirit that does not support ….healing.

What does healing look like? Feel like? 

Healing feels like home. Feels like happiness, feels like accomplishment.


What is kundalini or sub conscious…… And what is some other shit? 
I reeeeeally want to say this is some soul star chakra, kundalini, sub conscious collective purging…….  BELIEVE me I do.  I really really do. Really….. 

At the same time I know some things won’t make sense. At the same time there is a… . a point where I can only identify this as outside influence. The “entity”. 

Today the entity said…. (Referencing the number 9 for completion) “believe me you are not complete”

Me: “I know” but I also thought about my ex “twin flame”at that moment. 

Entity: “well I guess you have to die of molestation” saying because I thought of my ex in a romantic way that I must suffer. 

Me: huh? 

So I’m confused if I try to forget about him, I’m constantly reminded of him every 30mins. If I think about him in a loving way I am suppose to “die of molestation” 😦. Same thing happens if I pray to God. 

So…. How do I even settle this? How do I exit the matrix of these themes that have been going on for a year? I’m done ….. I know I’m done.