LayersΒ 

I heard somewhere that “God wouldn’t give you something you can’t handle.”

I haven’t been able to even completely understand what has happened over the last 2 years ( 17 years to be more specific) but the last year has been insane. Like so insane I checked myself into a hospital. 

On Instagram an artist Shawn Coss did a series of drawing speaking on “mental illness” for #inktober. I looked through every drawing saying yea that’s what this feels like…. Maybe its this…. Maybe its that.? I feel like I went through every single mental illness in the last year. 

Its like he sits on the top of my head, a gentle touches it …. Like my mind has been penitrated burned in the most unkind and pervese way. And I have to say NO. No thank you. Please stop. No I will not endure this for my ex (tf) or anyone. “Yes think that.” He would say as he suggests thoughts…. Entices feelings and emotions.

But I tried to trust…. That there is something to this. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel that I could be myself again.

It like everything I am (think i am) and everything I’m not (fears and wants) are all jumbled in this storage and I’m trying to sort through it. Trying to throw it away … But honestly I’m like damn its still sitting in that corner.

Is it easy to call it mental illness? To give it a pill? Is the world of awakening coddling us to fact that we are actually crazy? Or is there more? More that maybe there is somethings we don’t have a choice in. I guess only through awareness we can say. Yes, yes its there.

I’m I to quietly ….. Silently (as suggested) sit with this?  Something that is within and without both silent and oh so loud

My ex  (TF)  asked me one day what was something I liked about myself. I said my motivation. Most people would say their eyes or body …. I said my motivation… Not only for me but for other people…. My motivation and intention when I engage. 

I also know that because I never really thought I was pretty…… I mean… I can take a decent Instagram photo at the right angle but I never thought of myself as quintessential pretty. But I guess I liked my mind for the most part… On the train I would listen to music and create a beautiful dance or painting …. That was my favorite place. 

Motivations and my mind being my “pride” …. Because I like other people couldn’t pride myself in my outer apperance…. Those two things are in serious question now. If not lacking. And there is a level of accountability that I am willing to take for my fears…. wants and perceptions but there is also a detachment…. An observation…. Of what I know as me and what is not. I feel like this thing… This outter force …. This voice with out a name wants to take the last of what I have.

Know thy self? 

Well enough? Do you know yourself well enough to know what’s been lodged… Trapped… Lurking waiting. 

In the movie Spirited Away the “stink spirit” was really a river spirit that had been polluted. This came up for me…. I want to believe that these are just my fears  pouring out… I want to see the good in what I have expierenced. I really do…. I also want to see the end. And by the end I mean living healthy…. Happy…. Back to myself … in control of my life…. Loved… “successful”…. motivated…  Just to be clear.

Was it I who was polluted?

Did my fear pollute this spirit (entity)? 

Does this spirit pollute me?

As I said I want to believe there is good in this.

Advertisements

A Dark Secret

I was flipping through channels on the TV and the movie “The Buttefly Effect” the exact moment that the child on the TV said “pedophile father”. I feel like I had seen the movie before but but did not remember the the plot. The movie triggered me, as my father was sitting next to me. 

I grew up with out my father around. My parents divorced when I was about 3 or 4 years old. We moved out of the city when I was about 5 and I lived with my mom and my grandparents. I always held resentment. Secretly when I would walk to school I wanted to think that my father followed us… that he wanted to see my sister and I. I told my mom that I saw a man I. A red car following us and I thought it was my father. It was a lie. I lied but I wanted it to be. 

When I was about 7 years old I went to a slumber party. We were all in the room getting ready to go to sleep and my friends father came into the room to say goodnight like a father would do. But I felt uncomfortable. 

I went home the next day I told my mom about the feeling. I just told her I felt uncomfortable or somewhere along those lines and she gave me a blank stare. Later on my grandparents and my mom where all in the living room and my mom asked me to tell them what what I told her. 

I told them that I felt uncomfortable at the slumber party. And they all gave me blank stares. There was a silence and I started to cry for no reason. I asked what? My grandfather blurted out ,”your father molested you” I not knowing what it meant or I just knew it was bad by the tone of his voice and I just cried. I wasn’t sure what happened after that. They told me not to say anything about it. I told my best friend, and neither of us truly understood what it meant. 

One day I was watching the tv and there was a Dateline episode where a child said he became a child molester because he was molested. It was something along those line. I still didn’t know exactly what it meant but it freaked me out …. like really really freaked me out. I just knew it was bad and I didn’t want to be one. 

I held that with me all my life. 

I became bitter. I think I even scribbled on a picture of my father. I held resentment. In school I even changed my last name.  My father never paid child support and I remember doing calculations with my mom on how much my fathered owed in child support. My mom was a single mom working long hours with two kids. I remember saying why don’t we get the child support. I understood money. 

Some years later my mom contacted my dad or something like that. I think they had been talking on the phone for a little while. One late night I woke up randomly crying and told my mom I had a nightmare. She was on the phone and she told me someone want to talk to me. A voice on the phone asked me “Do you know who this is?” I said no. The voice on the phone said he was my father and I started to cry. He said that he wanted me to know that he never hurt me. He was crying. He mentioned something about going to the beach and building sand castles. I said ok. I was not happy. Still holding resentment. Still not understanding what was going on. I gave the phone back to my mom. My mom told me not say anything to my grandparents. I didn’t. 

I believe they saw each other a few times before I saw him. I remember meeting him but I don’t remember the day. Maybe I should ask him. Soon my grandparents found out and I know my grandfather was really mad. But that was “grown folks bussiness”, my father drove 5 hours almost every weekend to see us. I still held resentment. I still didn’t fully understand what was happening. 

I called my father by his name to disrespect him. One day I we were walking down the street and I called him by his name and he wouldn’t answer me. Finally I called him Dad and I think he got emotional. 

Even though there was resentment…. things we never really talked about. It was just I didn’t do it. Deal with it so everyone else can have a happy life. Figuring out it was… having to trust that it never happened. Still feeling strange. Trying to get over it. I did not honor my father. 

Not at all.

At first my father was sweet. Then as life settled in his anger started to show. It wasn’t abusive but he just would yell about there being no ice or traffic. I wasn’t use to it that type of anger. And I guess after all the bullshit I don’t blame him at all. 

I lived with my family for about 4 years before they kicked me out. That became a whole new layer of healing that needed to happened. I thought I would never see my family again. But when my grandfather passed I made a decision to try to repair my relationship with my family. Slowly I began to repair my relationship with my father. I would go out to the beach and spend time with him when no one else wanted to go. We spoke. But it was always singular … once sentence dropped… vague terms. Resentment was still there. But I tried. I tried. 

Although I told one of my lovers what I had expierenced, I thought I resolved this issue. I had lived on my own 4 or 5 years I remember being in my living room after a break up with my ex a voice whispered, “you’re a child molester… you’re a child molester”. I knew I never did anything to ANYONE. I quickly went went to a therapist…. I figured this was unresolved issues with my father. The therapist rejected me. He got extremely nervous and said he couldn’t help me. I felt bad. Alone…. helpless because I could not understand why this was happening. 

I had noticed now this pattern of job loss, break up, and then this voice comes in and calls me a “child molester”. This has reoccured about 3 times in my life only to have a full blown voices …… visual, audio and physical hallucinations this time.

Some of the hallucinations have been when I look at my father the voice would then say “hmm you like that hun?” And send me a intense sensation over my body. I would then look away from father in shame. All of the work that I had done to forgive my father …. to get over this issue…. to forget… became undon… and a new layer of hell was revealed. “Take this Oedipus for me.” Even though I know that is called Elektra Complex.

The voice just said. “Dont you get it? This is your second life hun. Now go home go ALL the way home (commit suicide)”, ” I don’t care who she is.” (i have no idea what that means). I have a hard time believing anything that this voice/ spirit says. He posed himself as my ex for almost 6 months. He has accused me of things I have not done. Manipulated my feelings. My thoughts…. dreams… Manipulated my reality … My body.  

“I got to run.” He said. But yet he never goes away.

I never had the chance to ever lay it out like that. Do I feel relief? No. Because he is still here.

Dream log 10 28 16

I had a dream that I ripped my own left arm out of its socket and was saving it

 I’m not sure what I was saving it for. But I was being careless with my arm I put it around my neck while I wasngoingbto go to the bathroom. The blood got on my face. Then I saw the skin starting to fall off. And I went to go wrap it up. I then noticed that my arm grew back but shorter. I wrapped my arm in tin foil and plastic hoping that the arm that was already there would grow longer. 

***************************

Arm

To see your arms as the emphasis in your dream indicates your nurturance side and your ability to reach out and care for people. Alternatively, it may represent the struggles and challenges in your life. Consider the pun “arm yourself” which implies that you need to protect yourself, be more aggressive and take a firmer stance on things or  the pun “up in arms”, representing anger and your readiness to argue.

To dream that your arm has been injured, signifies your inability to care for yourself or your helplessness in reaching out to others. You may have been feeling limited and restricted in terms of your freedom or activities.  The right arm signifies your outgoing nature and is associated with masculine energy, while your left arm signifies your supportive or nurturing nature and is associated with feminine qualities. Losing either arm may suggest that you are failing to recognize its respective characteristics. 

To dream that you rip someone else’s arms out, indicates that you are extremely upset with something that this person has done, but you have not been able to fully express your anger.  Because you tend to keep your emotions inside, it is finding expression in your dreams in a violent way.

Curating my life

How am I able to curate my life if I have this negative force (spirit) influencing my discission?

Although I know the difference, for how much longer will I be able to endure? 

How do I build with out having to keep rebuilding every time? Moving on with out everything being burnt to the ground. 

Nothing has ever been stable. Consistent. And while I have learn to roll with punches …. Ride the wave …. There is only some life crisis one can take before you wonder wtf. 

I’ve tried hard … Worked hard… To build something that’s stable, meaningful, joyful and yet soon its just sand in my palm. 

So how do I allow the things in my life that will build a solid foundation… A foundation for health, joy, prosperity, success? Love? 

Love was always my foundation. Whether at work or in personal relationships. But now I’m not sure what love is anymore. I’m not sure what I need in my life to not have to keep rebuilding …. Taking left turns.

Incubus

I have researched almost every metaphysical concept to understand what I’m experiencing. Tonight the spirit was trying to arouse me while I was in bed and I just got fed up. 

At first I thought he was my ex (whom I thought was my twin flame) but then he soon revealed that he was not. He said that if I find another lover he will turn me into a pedophile. (Gross) 

I’m just afraid that I will be alone with this thing for the rest of my life. I am afraid that it will hurt my partner or me if I try to move on. Even worse my family. Even when I tried to read the bible my eyes would shift and he would make it difficult to read. 

I have tried to do everything thing it asked in order to leave me and my family alone and it won’t go. I’m tired …. Exhausted …. Half my day is spent saying, “please stop….. Please stop.” And I’m tired. Mentally exhausted… Drained. 

I realized that it had been following me since I was young. Because I periodically saw ghosts. Then at the height of my “hallucinations” I saw the same shawdow figures at the beach and even though he tried to act like multiple spirits I knew it was just him.

Here I thought that seeing sparkles was a sign of angels…. 1111 was a sign of ascension (in vibration/mood) , that I really had telapathy my ex who I thought was my twin flame only to find out it is a spirit attached to me waiting for me to “lose”… Blocking me from moving forward in life so he can drain me. He even tries to act like he is here to help me. 

I found another account that is very similar to mine on the incubus subject written by a male. 
****************************

Incubus spirits do have form, but it is not a physical form. However, they can project an image in order for us to see them. They have the ability to chose and project an image that they feel would be pleasing and acceptable to us. They have the ability to convince people that they are deceased lovers, out of body spirits from people that you might have feelings for, and whoever is necessary for them to convince you to let them touch you, lay in bed with you, and/or have sex with you. If you are a spiritual person, they have to ability to communicate with you.

It can be very difficult to get rid of an incubus spirit if we invite or give permission to an incubus spirit. Some people invite or give permission to incubus spirits by accident, because they believe they are dealing with a person. People that believe that they have a spiritual connection to someone are usually dealing with an incubus spirit. They hear human thought and are attracted to perverted sex, lust, fantasy, and masturbation.

Some incubus spirits work for witches and warlock. If you have sex with a witch or a warlock, you may very likely have problems with incubus spirits thereafter. Some witches and warlock send incubus spirits to people in an effort to convince them to be perverted or to try to make people fall from the grace of God. Other witches and warlock believe that incubus spirits are useful in maintaining spiritual connections with people, and may even use them to keep tabs on the person that they are dating.

Are you Married yet?Β 

Marriage…. Children …. White picket fence was never my priority. Being happy… Healthy….. Hard working and loved and loving was always somethng that I strived for. 

I thought everything else would fall into place. So this voice telling me “you will never get married”, “you get no one” “you will never have children.” “Don’t even look at them””You don’t get a job” “die for your ex” “committe suicide”… “Die of child molestation” ..so this is just not making sense to me. 

So I’m sitting in my parents house… Jobless (because the spirit made me quit), single (because the spirit pretended to be my ex), friendless (cause I then isolated myself) , exhausted from arguing with this spirit in mind ALL day and I am trying to figure out how to rebuild my life.

My mother for the first time in her life said, “I wish there was a marriage or a baby or something, I’m tired of all these funerals.” Still I never felt pressure to obtain these things. Just to work hard and help out the community… And live simple with some comforts here and there.

Before things got bad. The spirit said “you gave it all up for your ex.” 

I never thought it would be this bad. And bad is a state of being…. I say “state of being” because I can’t say “state of mind”, because in general I know that I’m still there somewhere… The optimistic person, with dreams and talent and things to share with the world. So I can’t say this is my state of mind however …. This voice … Is my state of being …. altering it … With negativity…. Trying to convince me of soo many lies. So many.

So I was never pressured to marry or have children. So I’m not sure why this is the main topic of this spirit. Or why extremities were taken.

He just said, “extremities were taken because I know how to curse one.”, “How powerful am I?””Go all the way home (kill yourself)””I will curse everyone” 

It’s been hard because I have to hear all of this while mourning my grandmother.

Twin Flame or Spirit Husband

After my “ex” and I broke up last year I cried for months. It was maybe about 6 months straight of crying everyday. I would go to work . . smile…. Do my job (which I loved), go home and cry with a bag of honey barbeque chips, apple juice and 4 cigarettes. Pretty much everyday.

I tried working out and dating other people but nothing would shake the feeling. Nothing. I thought some spell was casted on me…. That I had been hypnotised into constantly thinking about this person. Which had never happened (at least for this long). I went from looking up how to heal after a break up on youtube, then came across dating a narcissist. When researching narcasism I saw some traits in my ex but also in me too. So it was hard to pin point why I had fallen under this spell.

Soon after I came across the Twin Flame thing. It made sense in some way. Heart wrenching pain of loosing a partner. “Energy” feels updates. Etc. I used this as a way to navigate the harsh emotions. To heal.. Forgive, forgive myself too. But it still didn’t shake. 

In December 2015 there was some sort of TF energy build up…. I had hoped it was a sign that my “TF” would soon return. I had went on a date … Mainly to get my mind off this and a voice that I would soon get to know said “she’s sucking karmas dick now!”

I had no idea… Why my date “said” that. I thought maybe he was talking about his ex…. He seemed broken too.But I took it with a grain of salt. 

I didn’t know that I would go so far down the rabbit hole into the intestines of hell. From my expierences at my job, parents house… Pretty much every where I went… Became a deep deep  hallucination. 

It went from everybody in the world to then just one voice. One voice that wouldn’t shut up…. One voice that I realized had been there nawing and taunting me …. waiting for me to fuck up for over 10 years, just so he can “play”. 

So the first man that I fell in love with…. The man that I thought I heard telepathically said “I love you” …. Wasn’t this voice… It wasn’t him. 

One day I said in my my mind “if you can hear me, tell me you owe your friend money” laying down on the bed and kind of perplexed he said “I owe her money”. 

Who is this voice? This voice that has put me through hell …. That has played with my emotions, my mind, my body. Who has burned my breast and genitals for fun. Who said he is “absolved of sin”? 

Not God…. No where close. 

I had even gone on to believe that this spirit was maybe my twin flame. That he was jealous that I was in love with any other. I had even read something about “spirit husband” which is an entity or an incubus type spirit that attaches itself to a woman, never allowing her to have a meaningful relationship and causing sadness in her life.

When I moved to my parents house the spirit would come to me at night acting as if he was my ex. He would try to sexually arouse me through “curses”. At first I though it was romantic… Thinking I had a special connection to my “twin flame”.  Then I told him to leave me alone to stop being sexual with me (because it wasnt real and i needed to move on) and then he lost his “mind”…..and soon to follow try to take whatever I had left. 

He acted as everybody else…. Pushing everyone and almost everything out of my life…. Only to find it was just ONE. He was one spirit…. Fucking with me… And I have still yet to understand why or how to get rid of it.

I went through every possible scenario or explanation as to why this was happening. Only to be left more hurt…. More confused … More exhausted.

Are twin flame seperation due to entities that intercept? 

Are twin flames intense feelings of pain and lose due to a spirit that attaches to us? Is the twin flame even real… Or is it just a spirit trying to keep us from the love and joy we all deserve. Planting seeds of regret, shame…. Negative thoughts, yearning …thoughts that are unlike our nature so that we can’t flow in our own energy.

Everyone says “learn to let go” and some take it even further to say, “let go and let God”. And sometimes it is beyond our own control to let go. And maybe forgiveness isnt just of the parties (people) involved … But the entities… Spirits that have caused havok and chaos not only in our lives but in the world. 

I’m still trying to figure this out. I just know this spirit is unwelcomed. 

Positive thoughts?

I quit my job because the spirit …. The voice… Acting as multiple voices made it impossible to bare. At first… I thought it was intuition… It started off slow… Like did I hear that? Then it became a slow slip into hell. I started hearing a voice that impostered other people in my work place and life. 

The voice said, “its time for dark arts” . after intuition I thought it was a joke. I seriously thought I was being punked. I really thought that because I was hearing that it was a prank at my job. I litterally thouggt it was sound resonances… And some kind of advance joke.

Then I thought I was developing some type of telepathy with everyone at my job. But as the expierence became more dark and painful I could not bare it anymore. I sat at my desk being told “sign your resignation today” , “you are fired” …. “You are a child molestor” “no you are not”. I would sit at my desk trying to focus on my work …. Being taughted and burned on my genitalia all day. I thought this was some sort …. I have no idea what it was…. Is. I thought that maybe this was because of a childhood fear of mine. A fear of my father that I had cared around… I thought that it would go away…. But it didn’t. 

I would go home and cry and soon the voice followed started to be at my moms house … It taunted me at my moms saying that it “blessed my house”. Possing itself as my supervisor. I had no choice but to hear and I looked through everything on the internet trying to find out what was going on. 

The voice posed itself as my ex, his father, almost everyone at my job, friends, my therapist… My mom… My father.

I took 2 weeks off from work hoping that maybe I was just stressed out from the things that were going on in my life. I even fasted for two weeks thinking that things would change. Only to go back to work to find the same unbearable situation. 

“Sign your resignation” , “you are fired”, “she’s a whore” amount other things. 

I remember going through this and said im y head “OMG I want to die”. Again the spirit imposed itself as other people saying “oh you have a death wish?” I would walk down the street and feel like someone was shooting me. “God bless”

I had no choice but to quit my job…. I ran out. The spirit acted as my boss saying he was my guru. Even though I know he wasn’t. I mean we did yoga together. Bout it. I sat down and told him I had to leave. It was one of the saddest days. One of many over the course of the year. 

This spirit moved me around from people and places like a pawn. Never satisfied. Intercepting my relationships and goals. 

So how do you stay positive? 

Death becomes Her

Today my grandma passed. For weeks the spirit was telling me “your grandmas going to die today.” I refused to believe it. 

In the wake of my grandmothers passing the spirit continues, “you are not a mother” , “your ex is never coming back”, ” die for your ex today”. Amoung other things that are said. I may have had maybe 5mins in total in the last year where this spirit hasn’t constantly spoken. Other than sleep… And even in sleep my dreams are totally different. 

“Die for your ex today”

“Die of child molestation.”

“You get no one”

Today I couldn’t even cry for my grandma. I cried for me…. I can’t even reminisce of my grandma… Because my mind is being constantly bombarded with this spirit. He has tried to call himself my ex…. He has also tried to call himself God.

And my mind is slowly starting to go. I’m checking out more…. Forgetting things more. I thought checking out… Meditating would calm things down. Only for him to go in for the kill. Like an echo in my brain and I have no way of truly stopping it. 

Sometimes when I’m laying down I can feel sound. Often its in my head or gentials. This is more than being sensitive. Although he has “turned down” his voice and I do not hear him on the TV as much …. I still hear him…. Although I will never see him… I feel his influence over my body and mind. 

Unwanted and unwelcomed.

Cat stole your seat

I left the room for a brief moment and the “spirit” said “oh the cat stole your chair” before I even even saw the cat in the chair. 

Some months back….. I heard the word “honey tree”, then I did all this research trying to find out what a honey tree is. I found a thorny tree and I thought something to do with Jesus. Only to find that my ex sent me a song maybe a few weeks later by a band called “The Honey Trees”. I was totally freaked out by the fact that it happened and the lyrics. 

So I can’t say this is me. I can’t accept these as my thoughts. Only that I hear them “unfortunately”. I think about psychics…. And  how they hear or receive messages…. And they try to help people and stuff… 

But my expierence has been far from glorious…. Its a living nightmare. What was once an “awakening” turned into some terrifying stuff.

Even as I write this my legs are trembling uncontrollably. I wish there was a point to this…. Mostly the an end that doesn’t result in death. “Go Home” as s/he often tells me.  

Peace…

Peace of mind.