Dark Web

A friend had inquired about the “dark web” on Facebook and people began to describe it. Someone said that you can use bitcoin to watch someone get killed. 

Sometimes I wonder if someone is doing something to me. I mean there is “radio” like sounds coming from my head, and next and vag. So I don’t know maybe someone has extreme technology to do this to someone.

As I said there seems to be a main “one” that kind of orchestrates the distant scream bubbles, the two talking on the TV, or a “set” which is like almost being submerged in an environment.

I thought if it is possible someone could do this to someone. Maybe I could find out how, and get my life back. 

I don’t know. I would like to think humans are better than doing something like this….. But then realized after reading the comments about the dark web…. That they are not.

I just don’t know. I just want it gone.

Just thinking. Which seems to work against me at times, because this Entity uses it for a story at a later time for its own entertainment. 

Here is what I DON’T get….

So we are humans…. With a capacity for a wide range of emotions….. Some indescribable…. And if you are creative… Maybe you paint them, write a song, a book, dance them…. whatever…. 

You say that we are born here with this capacity…. And then told, that if you mourn the death of a loved one or watch a scary movie (anything sad or scary, or whatever you deem a negative emotion) you are inviting …. Handing over your life to some Dark Entity to feed off of? 

The fuck?

First of all some of ya’ll need to understand these things feed off your ignorance mostly. 

The “child hood fears” and “shadow work” is just the icing on the big ol’ ignorance cake, cause most of y’all don’t even know what the fuck this shit is.

Channeling this and invoking that. Is just playing make believe with these things. 

Now I’m suppose to be afraid to feel sad because some asshole demon monster alien is going to drink my tears out of a sippy cup?

Be numb? Afraid to express myself?!? 

Nope. Shits fuck up. I’m not with this program.

Being “positive” doesn’t mean we don’t feel sadness or anger. I think even putting ourselves in these traps of what TO do and NOT to do …. To create hierarchy…. And missing the focal point completely. 

“Shadow” as a compliment

Looking at this experience from many angles and beliefs….. I had this moment of taking it as a compliment.

While this… “Shadow” …. This “Entity” tried everything in its power…. And with in my own as well, to convince me I AM this …. And not that….. That I AM who IT says I am… a terrible person….. That I am something unknown to me…. But most of all I don’t know who I am…..

It had to use the every tactics to try and convince me or make me believe I was someone…. Or something I am not.

But if that is who I am then there wouldn’t be any need for convincing. I know where my delusions lie. 

This Entity had to distort my reality in order to throw me off my center and used the opportunity of traumatic life events as a point of attack.

The hate, the bigotry, the sexual distortion, the control, the rape, the dillusion, the torture, the lies, the manipulation, the fear…. The “darkness”.

Those are all things I would consider myself NOT to be. I’m not in any way perfect. I can not say that I have never in my life been dishonest or manipulative. But for a majority of my life I have tried to be conscious of such… If not hyper conscious. We all have potential…. Slip ups. But that doesn’t make us who we are. 

So the fact that this Entity (which NOW wants to call its self my shadow so that I will accept it as my own) used the OPPOSITE of who I know myself to be…. is telling. I am no longer interested in playing this Three Card Monti of “is this you or is this me?”. 

Telling to who I really am. And what I am not.

So I take this Entities best efforts in trying to destroy who I am…. As a compliment. 

It took many years of preparation I see. 

I’ve lost some people and some things that I love dearly. Lots of dignity in the process.

But …… I know who I am. 

More so than ever now.

Smoke and “Mirrors”

Impulses. 

This has been happening before but its was among soooo much other things. And while the other things have not permanently gone away this was highlighted.

Both natural and unnatural impulses are out wack for me. For instance the Entity will que the impulse to kick my mothers Dog. Never before have I ever wanted to hurt an animal. Maybe a cockroach…. Bout it. “Karma” in NYC is prolly fucked on that alone (jk). So that is a very unnatural impulse for me. I usually try to change it to petting or being annoying to the animal. 

But then there are “natural” impulses like mainly smoking and eating that has been extremely out of wack. It’s not the act itself as is the frequency of the impulse. So…. Yes I smoke. I mean I didn’t smoke a lot before ALL of this happened (2-4 a day). But the Entity has been both vocal and “suggestive” about smoking and at the same time reprimanding. So literally in the same 30 seconds the Entity will give the impulse to get up and smoke and then a few moments later to “not smoke”. If the Entity suggests me to smoke vocally….. It will say, “Get up and smoke so i can put this away.” (Idk what that even really means). If actually do amoke (suggested or not) it will say “will you PLEASE stop smoking!” Or some version of that. And really I’m over here chilling trying to watch an episode of My Little Ponies in peace.

So the fact that the Entity gives both the impulse to smoke and to not smoke is false sense of choice. Instead of the impulse never being there in the first place or set in motion. The same thing happens with eating even moments after I eat. 

Granted when this all first started I did not choose the healthiest vices. Smoking and eating but again…. I can tell even when my own habits are not me. Even as quiet as an impulse. This happens frequently. So it just feel strange….. And I don’t like it. There are other ones…. But these are just examples. 

So what do I do to resist? Stop smoking (although I want to) and stop eating all together? Fasting…. Again?

Just an observation.

DefeminizationΒ 

So I realized I guess today …. Tonight…. That this entity defeminized me through a mixture of ways. 

  1. I Am Isis
  2. Child abuse
  3. Cutting my hair
  4. Gaining weight from stress
  5. Numbing

My spiritual naivity made it easy to suck me into its game…. By first testing super imposing (audio) over what other people said. Because I wouldn’t respond to it…. That made it easy to slip into the idea of Telepathy because I was too scared to say “Hey, I feel like I’m hearing you saying this in your mind”. That is why it needed to keep me away from my Ex.

It TOLD/forced me to call myself Isis (the divine mother archetype) so that it could lure me into the storyline (through separation from my ex twin flame) and then “giving it away” to a much prettier woman. Or insinuating i was becoming Osiris. It started telling me I didn’t know how to act like a lady. Forcing me to sit up straight, and cross my legs through “energy”. Often I felt choked, harnessed or collarded into sitting up straighter than normal. But I wasn’t opposed to having good posture….. But being controlled. 

I had always identified as a tomboy or two spirited as I had a hard time relating to societies social standards for women. It was my way of finding comfort by rejecting it. I was OK with that. But I soon understood I did not totally understand what it was to BE a man really. And while I used the tomboy/ two spirited identy as a crutch towards understanding I can be female…. Feminine and still not fit the mold. I slowly found my own brand of feminity that I was comfortable with and appreciated. Not because society or a partner or some entity forced me. But because I just was.

This included my the notion to be a mother. I never thought about having children because I was in a Queer relationship and I have PCOS (which can make it difficult to conceive). So it just was never on my agenda. After my best friend gave birth (to my godson), of course it came to mind. I mean the CHEEKS…. I am a sucker for pudgy droopy baby cheeks. And this was my first time feeling love and care for a child. I had to take care of him as a new born because my best friend was in the hospital for a month from heart failure and the father bailed after she found out he was trying to find dates while she was in the hospital. This was the first time I ever care for and fell in love with a baby. But my main priority is that he had a mother and and that she was good… She is one of my closest friends. So she soon got better and and did her mom thing (she was staying with me through the pregnancy because she had to quit her job close to the due date) and I tried to help out since the father bailed. Soon after my lease was up and we had to go our separate ways. But I we always hung out like every other weekend …. And I would watch my Godson if she was short on cash for a daycare. And just due normal aunty duties like birthdays and Xmas gifts. I was content with that.

I can’t say that having one of my own didn’t cross my mind. I loved him and even though he was rambunctious it wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be but I also understood that the day to day mother routine can get the best of you. I know my BFF wanted to pull he hair out sometimes as a single mother which is why I would offer her a day off. 

I also worked with youth at an after school internship and found value in that. Just making learning fun. But when this entity attacked …. I could no longer engage in my work and mission as well as with my Godson (or best friend because I don’t think she will understand and I don’t want her to) whom I miss so much. I miss them both. And I miss the community in worked with (entity forced me to quit saying to sign my resignation all day and acting like my boss). And at least trying to make the world better…. Even if it is one life… Or for a moment… Or one place.

Once this entity attacked in 2016 it forced me to cut of my hair …. By telling me to …. Because it said I was going to have cancer anyway. So I buzz cut it…. Cause I just wanted it to stop and go away. Then it went on and would say I looked like a man…. Or ugly or a dyke, or I look like a child molestor now. And so forth every fowl name you can think of. I didn’t want to look in the mirror NOT because I thought of myself as ugly but because I was tired of hearing this entity say all these crazy things as I looked at my reflection.

Some one who wanted nothing more than the safety and celebration of generations…. I just don’t see how this happened. Being called a child molestor ALL DAY and working with youth does not mix well. And I quit my job hoping the nightmare with this entity would stop. The entity first said I was enduring this to become a mother with my ex twin flame. I rejected it. I was like its fine…. I won’t be a mother I guess you can stop this child molestation game. Quitting my job and rejecting this (false) “offer”. Didn’t help it go away.

It continued…. And still says “you will never be a mother” and compares my taking care of my twin sister who had a stroke to motherhood saying “still doesn’t make you a mother”. I in no way thought that taking care of my sister makes me a mother. I just pulled on all of my strength… To assist through my own difficult time and to deal with the emotions of seeing my sister unable to take care of herself. I also had to learn to step back as she is an adult as well and hates to be told what to do (I guess we are the same in that regard). 

After quitting my job I had to force myself out of the love spell this entity put over me for my ex (twin flame). The entity showed me images of him with other women, mimicked his voice as he degraded me all day. I soon came to realize that it wasn’t my ex …. And still till this day the entity tries to convince me it is my ex or for the reconciliation between my ex and I that it tortures me all day.

I no longer felt like myself, looked like myself. I didn’t feel pretty not the outside but the inside. Getting dressed up for a date took all of my energy. I didn’t enjoy the things that made me me. I ate too much to cope. Smoked to much to “calm down”. My once bleeding heart became numb because I could no longer allow my emotions or mind to be manipulated by this entity. And I’m still looking for the logic here.

My own brand of femininity and self acceptance was compromised. Destroyed. 

And I only hope ……… I can heal yet again. 

Fat Albert got jokes.Β 

Soooo today I just saw a article that Bill Cosby court cases were thrown out. I mean I was wondering on what grounds but figured it was statue of limitations.

I kinda knew that the number of women that came forward were in the 50s and so I decided to Google search how many came forward. And LOW and behold it was 57 women. 

The same number of children this Entity said I sexually abused in a “past life“. (View past life section of post)

Mother fucker had the nerve to even call him self Fat fucking Albert last year!!!

I honestly didn’t know it was 57 women!! And so this Asshole uses that number in his story of me being fucking child rapist in a past life so it can force me to commit suicide because it knows how terrible I think that is….  And how I couldn’t live myself. Made me quit my job!!! Take all kinds of pills….. And almost fucking jump cause of this bullshit! 

Fuck this fucking shit!!!! 

Fuck this….  Meanwhile there are Actual rapist and child molestor just running around all over there place….. And no one gives a fucking shit. This Entity doesn’t give a fucking shit about actual predators BE CAUSE IT IS ONE!!!!!!! Piece of fucking shit! 

I’m over this stupid fucking game.

Mini Breakdown (Religion pt. 2)

“Truth needs no preparations…. It is as genuine and authentic as a step forward.” -Me

There is no preparation needed for what is….. There is this sense of…. Something else, another side, who said that’s the other side?….. Instead of what is….. A sense of reasoning and excusing the present moment for either the past or future….. And then we are cheated out of the simplicity in the present moment of something such as a breath of air….. The sun hitting the concrete.

Feeling like this experience is an “upgrade” or re-wiring, or preparation for the end of times or whatever …. For something else other than what I am at any given moment is divisive. It literally divides….. It doesn’t truly explains anything…. We just get stuck in the feeling that which we can’t control…. And attribute words to it….. Describe IT. Instead on being in the moment of Gods great earth. 

I’m there…. I won’t deny that.

I guess the divide that came up for me is religion and feeling like I have to shove myself into a box. I mean early on, the Entity tried to force me into Christianity  (after the Isis/Osiris play) and then was then pining Christianity and Muslim faith against each other. For the DRAMA!!! The CONTRAST!!!! 😰😰 (Side note: apparently theres and article on where Christ was mentioned in the Quran). But I wasn’t with drama, in fact I’ve never been with into the drama which may be my root issue with “religion”. Not faith…. Nor belief. I don’t think I am alone in this position…. As many people step back from religion (and maybe not faith) for one reason or another. Personal or political. I mean Jesus taught love and kindness. Like it is written down in a book distributed all over the world and some how that has been translated in to a bazillion years of war. 

I just happened to still have faith. Outside of my faith… Much of my “journey” has been trying to figure out what was happening to me…. Why I was experiencing flashing lights, repeating numbers, shadow spirits, “telepathy” ect. And it led me to the One this Entity that has been playing me all along. And now it is my faith in its simplicity ….. uncomplicated by religious facts or the distortion of my experience…. Is all I have.

I guess my mini break down cry fest was a result of not being able to find a solution, feeling that I must confine myself to a set belief, fear of loss of control (or more distortion/ play/ sick imagery), and the inability or space to be myself…. With my own belief and imagery. 

I called this experience “between a rock and a hard place”, the hard place being this life/ earth……. living in perpetual contradictions, and having to cope…. But ultimately alive….. And the rock, pressing against my life…. Unable to move …. To breath…. This Entity. Questioning ever detail of my life, influencing, condrodicting the contradiction.

Because of this, simplifying has been important….. 

Just be…. Just believe….. 

#crybaby

Mini Breakdown (Religion)

In the middle of a mini breakdown…. Crying…. Which I actually havent done in a while (for me… Considering the circumstance). I had to shut down because it was being exploited. While the the reasons while I started crying where me and authentic…. I allowed it…. And then the Entity stepped in and tried to exploit it a bit more by bringing it up again moments later. Then in had to stop myself because I realized what could not be formulated into logical words at the time…. Were being exploited. 

I guess…. I feel like I have to keep boxing myself in … All the boxes…. Black or white. 

So I met some wonderful souls…. kind and caring souls…. Tonight was kind of this strange paradox …. Because I had one guy (an ordained priest) in my chat about preform an exorcism on me and in the other chat a guy who is a guru and offered disciplineship.

Excorism Guy told me to imagine a Warrior Angels Ezikiel all decked out and say “I know him” and to then say a prayer. I felt the “energy” or tention in my head drop down to my lower region and then it came back up.

Soon after the Guru messaged me and asked if I had been practicing my daily meditations. Which is to look at a picture of him prior and then move on to my meditation. Meditation is difficult currently as I have both images/ lights, sensations and a the voice of an entity bombarding me as I try to cut through to nothing. Stillness. I asked the Guru what is normal? Nothingness… Stillness (which I was use to prior to this experience) or the full experience? He said to drop my expectations. I told him that often when I meditate or simple relax I then have these black outs/ white outs that are often scary cause I attribute them to this Entity. He said “hmm” nothing more and offered disciplineship and said I would have to register (but I’m currently not in a position to pay for much). 

The Priest then sent me another prayer and with strong imagery and I just couldn’t connect to it. And I didn’t like the feeling…. I don’t know if this because I am truly possessed or because my beliefs differ or because……. Lack of control. Its not like I’ve never read a prayer before. 

Somewhere between these two conversations I had a break down and just started crying. I was afraid to look at the image of the Guru because the Entity has used/ distorted images of men in my life to make them seem like they are child molestors (father, ex twin flame). Then I had this other image being presented of the Archangels swooping in to defeat the demons…  And I am tired of this demon play…. 

I had to stop the Priest and said goodnight to the Guru… And just take a breather. 

The only way I could survive right now is to limit the imagery and my own imagination in order to find the outer limits of a neutral ground… Balance. And watching Zootopia….. Everyday.πŸ˜žπŸ˜’

++++I had to get some sleep. So hopefully with a “clearer” mind I flesh this out. 

“The Galactic Slave Trade” on YouTube

So I watched this and in short, I can see narcissists as possibly wounded empaths. I know in my own experience over the last year, I had to shut down a lot!!!! At some point I wondered if I am becoming a narc because I have to be sooooooooooo aware of myself, but also looking outside of myself for comfort. This Entity main goal is to shut me down…. Break me down… Numb…

I also have this whole other reality super imposed on top of my reality and it wasn’t until recently that I was able to see the subtle ways the Entity manipulated me and ultimately other people by imposing itself in my relationships. Its not easy. Which is why I opted out of dragging anyone along with me as much as I would love to have someone there to comfort me when things get really scary.

Honesty and authenticity has grounded me, not being afraid or assuming (or allowing the Entity to scare me into assuming) of how I may look to other people for my honesty has been helpful. So as someone who I guess would originally identify as sensitive and empathic this has been a hard hard road to walk and still maintain self…. Compassion. 

Again just been looking around. I’ve had to put down so many “beliefs” and interests that I normally drew inspiration from (creativity) just so I can deal with this Entity that twists EVERYTHING into a nightmare. That’s the first step in loosing yourself. 

I never really met a Narc before, I hadn’t looked it up until my ex (twin flame) and I broke up because I didn’t know if homeboy had hypnotized me in my sleep, or voodoo…. or something….. But a part of me died. I came across Narcs and empaths which lead me to twin flame. But essentially it was this Entity fucking with my emotions to trying to create this grand “play”. 

So I can’t even see if he is truly a Narc. I mean I had even questioned myself as one. But this Entity is beyond a psychopath and now I’m labeled/experiencing schizophrenia.

How can we show compassion for our Narcs with out compromise?….. Because somewhere down the line maybe they were just so sensitive/ emathic that they had to shut down.

Dating: Vegan Asshole (pt II)

So…. Vegan asshole and I dated for a month and maybe a week or two. Things were OK. I mean I like him…. He has/had a similar experience as I so in some ways I find that comforting. I mean we can talk extensively about politics, and life and all the wacky shit happening in our lives. Without much judgment.

So early February my mom had a stroke on TOP of the heart attack last year and things got crazy because I also had to take care of my sister (who had a stroke last year) more full time. I wasn’t able to see him and then things got weird. I mean I told him exactly what happened and why but he …. Idk like it was going in one ear and out the other. 

A week or two later he asked for me to go over to his house again. I told him I couldn’t. He said he wanted to see me really badly, so I said he he wanted to see me so badly he come drop by my house and I could talk to him outside. … Or maybe take a quick walk. I didn’t want my sister to feel uncomfortable asking to have assistance because he was there and my mom was in the hospital, just felt awkward. He started talking about doing stuff in the stairwell jokingly and I said hell nah. #wokefuckboyshit

So he decided to go straight home. I was cool with it, but was a little offended that it felt like he would only come over if could ensure sex. But I got over it…. Worse things to worry about like this Entity screaming all day … My family. 

Later we talked it out and I was honest…. But he said me not inviting him in my apartment made him feel awkward… and he also take care of his uncle so he understands the responsibility. I let it slide.

We can sure argue. But I’m coming a point were I can’t compromise my healing as much as I like him.

So valentines day comes up and I think he sent me a happy vday text…. I said thank you, you too. No big deal….. But then he pushed it further….. It just got weird…. He said he was getting ready to go to New Orleans (which I knew about for a month) and had an extra ticket that he was going to surprise me with on Vday to just jump on a plane two days later. But since I hadn’t seen him …. He couldn’t. So it felt like he was dangling this ticket assuming I would even be able to pick up and leave like that.

After that I didn’t hear from him for like two months. Mid April he pops back up with the old “I miss you” text. And I just told him that’s nice. Next week he asked to speak on the phone and I told him I was busy. But I just didn’t feel like talking. I mean honestly I get my head blown up by this Entity all freaking day soooo I just could handle it. 

Despite all the fuckboy shit, I honestly was left with a great memory of him, I liked our discussions and hanging out. I wanted it that way…..

Since I didn’t hear from him for so long, I also gave up on the dating thing. I mean my priority is healing, my family, and getting rid of this entity. Also the last time we were intimate in January, the Entity started involving itself…. And it kinda turned me off. Just not having privacy …. And idk it feeling like a joke…. And not being able to actually relax. Plus the Entity says my ex’s (twin flame) name like all day…. Just disrespecting his name to the fullest. So I just didn’t want to drag anyone into this mess. Especially if they are gonna ghost. 

So I just was like whatever, I have to get my priorities straight and handle whatever the hell is going on with me. But Vegan Asshole steps on the scene again and starts texting me and I kept trying to push him away while being nice. I mean the first few times I ignored him but then it was just like whatever.

So today he invited me over for diner, but it is my parents anniversary so they were out and I still had to watch my sister. He kept begging and begging for me to go over to his house, and I think under any other circumstance I would have gone and it would have cool. I just vaguely told him I was busy. 

Then he told me that Aliens/ Entitys told him that he was suppose to be with me.

We later spoke on the phone. And it was actually a good conversation. We spoke more about our experience and I think we differ in belief systems…. But that’s fine it seems that everyone does in some way. But it doesn’t explain the phenomenon of seemingly sane people having psychotic experience…. I mean kids are out here doing all kinds of drugs to feel and see the crazy shit I’ve gone through and I’m over here stuck in hell. 

ANYWAY….. So somewhere in the conversation he switched and said that the aliens told him he is suppose to actually be with some woman from his job and marry her, but he doesn’t want to be with her he wants to be with me. Not to be judgmental but it was a turn off just cause he brought someone else in the picture. And if he knows how these Entities work…. The slightest insecurity like 1% is enough for them to nibble on. And its not even that I care about that I care about that…. Its just I don’t want to hear about some more negative ass shit.

Either way….. I was kind of warming up to him. But then he kinda bluntly stopped the esoteric conversation and was like “are you coming over?” 

I told him, “1. I have to take care of my sis. 2. I’m not comfortable right now being intimate. 3. I’m trying to heal from this truama.”

The entity tried to twist a few things around during the duration of our conversation but was also yelling at me to shut up and not tell him anything. #bigmouth But I was actually concerned that he was falling for the delusion and just wanted to make sure didn’t fall for the trap.

Either way once he hears that I didn’t want to be initimate his total mood changed and he aggressively said, “NOW WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?” There was a really long pause and I ended up hitting the call end button by mistake to check to see if he hung up. But I left it there. I had my fill for the night. I was actually kinda had an OK day …. Cause I did my moms make up for her anniversary and made fun of my sister for buying McDonalds (its the little things in life), and kinda just a bit lighter than normal …. And then BOOM …. Fuck Boy Trap.

Honestly I wasn’t trying to test him, actually I was trying to protect him in my own strange way. But I don’t know what is his true colors…. 

Its a running theme kinda…. When I set a clear boundary ….. Or I’m not available right when someone wants it just blows up…. And I don’t know if this their own sense/ fear of rejection or something else….. Either way I feel like shit in the end. 

Kinda over this theme…. Actually I am over all of the themes at this point.

But again I can’t compromise my healing at this point.