Religion/ Belief: It’s not fair!!!!

So, I have a very complicated view around religion. And I guess DETAILS of a “religious/spiritual” life.

I mean there are one so many different religions. Then on top of that Christianity alone has so many different sects. And it’s like one sect is like don’t eat shellfish and women wear skirts only and the other is like God loves everyone no matter what. And it’s REALLY REALLY CONFUSING!

Like beliefs and religion and spirituality it’s all super confusing. And then I have my beliefs and that is crossed with what I experience (which is being tormented by some demonic entity, acts like demons looks like an alien head on a spiders body 😳 yea FML). Like HOW DO YOU EVER RESOLVE ANY OF THAT?!

Is is demons that look like aliens, is it just disgruntled aliens? Is it occult black magic to make me lose it?

Like religion doesn’t tell you, YO you might encounter a demon that looks like a big headed alien or a fucked up teddy bear and it will try to trick you….. and so many new agey spiritual beliefs are like far out there that many times I just think it’s the crafting of people who have been dipped by these entities. But then that still doesn’t explain them and why they are here or playing with us.

Like seriously my whole belief system is honestly shattered into pieces.

This shaman lady told me that “my masculine side feels hopeless and like no one or nothing can help it” and that is why I am getting attacked and the masculine side is not protecting the feminine and that if “my masculine side BELIEVES that, nothing she does will work”, well that is nice to know $500+ later! Very convenient.

Even when taking these stupid medication, or spending my money on these shamans like all I have is to go on what i have seen play out in the past. But I still engage it because idk what else to do. So there is a part of me that hopes it works, while keeping my expectations low. And a part of me is like, if it’s medical schizophrenia, meds should work regardless if I think it’s some alien demon. And if it’s an spiritual thing, then who ever I go to for help should be able to just pluck these fuckers out whether I believe exactly what they believe or not. Because my EXPERIENCE is different then theirs. Like some distant healing shamans see these things are just colors or shapes, I see them as straight up crazy looking entities because they are all in my face in 3D. Like actually, not just on some “astral travel lucid dreaming tip” like all around me chillin my house like they pay rent.

And God and Jesus is no where to be found. Jesus’ name does not make them run for me. These assholes said they were Jesus when they electrocuted me mean and showed me a vision of a modern looking Latino guy. They think they are funny, I don’t.

These Entities broke my faith.

I’m being honest.

Like why are they able to do what they do to me? To anyone?

Why cant anyone who has “gifts” help me? Why can’t God show ME grace?

I figured no matter what I believe because of my immediate circumstance, that something ….. anything should work. I tried to cover all my bases.

Medication, holding on to faith in God as well as seeking assistance for people who supposedly know more about this stuff then I do.

Like I’m tired of getting raped by demons or whatever the fuck this thing is. And I’m tired of being shunned by all aspects of spiritual beliefs because my experience, which is all I have to go on, doesn’t match up with theirs. I’m tired of waiting on God. I’m tired of seeing these doctors that prescribe me a pill that does absolutely nothing. Like Benadryl does more for me than these antipsychotic meds.

And all these people push this situation back on me. Not that I am pushing it on them, but they always make me feel like it’s my fault or I’m not doing enough. And THAT makes me feel crazy. Just constantly doing and no results. I’m doing the best I can with what I got. Like people are experiencing this all over the world in various degrees mine just happens to suck more because I get raped and molested and these entities drain my energy to the point I pass out or never feel rested even when I sleep for two days.

So like what am I suppose to do? That is why people get paid…. right? They are the expert. If I sat there and tried to prescribe my own self meds then…. what do I look like?

And what’s worse is that this shaman said it’s “my masculine half” that’s going through this and my feminine half is rejecting him. And like this is all happening on a level I have no control over. So it doesn’t matter that I have kept my paths open. Or that there are other possibilities. There is nothing I can do about it.

And then religion just tells you to wait for Gods grace, or that you are a sinner and deserve this. And I’m like HUH? Like even “Gods favorite” was used as an example. Job right? Lost everything? So did he deserve it? Or like is a cancer patient suppose to sit there and just pray the cancer away? Or do you go to treatment?

Like it gets so funky and confusing.

And that is not even going into the hypocrisy of a Christians.

And if grace doesn’t show up in your life, then there is something wrong with you. Not the fact that socioeconomically the world SUCKS, or your body is just not strong enough to fight off whatever, or that accidents/ catastrophes just happen.

And that’s the same thing I am finding with these “healers”, if what they did doesn’t work, there is something wrong with YOU! Not the fact that what they did and took money for didn’t work.

I don’t know I’m close to just being agnostic at this point, cause honestly I don’t know shit. All I know is there is some big head alien spiders fucking with me and trying to ruin my life. That’s all I know for sure. And even that could be an illusion. Maybe they don’t look like aliens maybe they look like giant etheric PUSSIES floating around in the “astral”.

I’m tired of this.

Unmedicated: It’s easy to get Complacent

I’ve fought for so long. And while there has been some changes. They just seem like less intense versions of the same thing which is still triggering. Less intense or loud voices have been exchanged for pain in my body almost.

It’s easy to say fuck it and just drop meds altogether because I honestly don’t feel like any of them work. Most have made my symptoms worse by trying figure out what’s a side effect of the medication and what’s a “hallucination of schizophrenia”.

I am at a place where I feel the closest to myself that I have been in a long time. I know what’s me and what is not me. But I still hallucinate and I still have pain because of it and this experience is still here.

So it’s easy to maybe just through my hands up and think that me walking around unmedicated with this experience is just how the rest of my life goes.

Idk

I have said this in my blog many times, I feel like I need to actively be doing something to fix my situation. I know praying and waiting on God is ideal. But I have done that for years, and the nature of the hallucinations Im just not ok with it.

If yourself during cooking? Do you pray about it and wait for it to go away? Or do you run it under cold water? Clean it? Bandage it to protect it? And then maybe pray on it? Like that’s how I feel about my situation. That’s my first reaction to the situation. Is to run it under water. I think that is most peoples reaction.

Except I’m just running around in circle with this.

I haven’t tried Lions Mane supplements yet.

BUT I am thinking about getting a gene sight test by Genomind. Apparently they can test your chemical levels and then recommend the best medication I guess.

I can’t keep cycling through all of these different medications. It kills me with each and every different script. Like just another potential for disappointment as well as my voices putting on a show or new set of feelings/hallucinations to drive me mad.

I’m too tired to be mad.

Too sad to be angry.

I just want my body back. I loss 20lb so far and then I’m also scared that the medication will just roll the progress I am making back because a lot of theses meds throw off your glucose levels, make you gain weight, and insatiably hungry.

I’m not denying the spiritual aspect to this, but trying to better understand the relationship between the two.

Godson and Faith

An aspect of this really came up for me over the last week or so. I am very involved in my Godsons life. And at this particular point in his life where I see a baby, a 8y/o and the potential for a REALLY moody teenager all in one moment. And it’s scary 😳.

He is extremely disrespectful to his mom and to me. He wants constant attention and even when he gets it, he then wants someone to buy him things be it outside food or toys, etc, and even when he gets what he wants he still wants more. And when he doesn’t get it, he flips.

Also if he is told he did something wrong on his homework he flips too.

I am trying to work with him on with dealing with his emotions. I’m not in anyway telling him he can not have emotions, I am telling him that how he expresses them, how he copes with them (which is throwing tantrums), will not be in his best interest in the future and he needs to change that.

He gets everything he needs, and even many things he wants. But as soon as he doesn’t get what he wants in that moment all logic is out the window. And this is starting to become exhausting.

His mother is super frustrated. I’m getting frustrated. Because honestly I spoil him, I want him to be a happy kid but it never seems like enough and I see that is only working against us.

He is in that phase of , “I don’t care if you punish me”, which is denial. I remember when I was a kid and I got a spanking (which was more socially acceptable and I wasn’t abused in any way) or a slap on the hand I would say something like “hehe it didn’t hurt”, just to be a jerk.

How do you have faith that you are raising a kid that will be self sufficient, with morals and knows how to deal and cope with obstacles and emotions in a healthy way?

Though I am a secondary caretaker, I’m exhausted already, so I know his mother (my best friend) is burned out. I pray for this kid and his mother seriously.

I know a part of this is natural development. But it’s still scary that whatever we do doesn’t seem to be showing results. The school and behavioral chart didn’t work. I think we tried that for 2-3 months before his mom kinda gave up on it. He will get no tv time, still acts up.

He is a sweet kid but it’s this aspect of hyper ness and not listening or throwing tantrums seem to be really at the forefront.

I just want my godson to be happy and successful in life.

I lost my Best Friend

My ex (not twin flame but soul mate), informed me he was seeing someone. It was kinda random the way he did it I guess he just wanted to get it out there.

So I decided to step back in terms of contacting him to respect the relationship.

He was one of 3 of my closest friends. I enjoyed living with him. But he complicated our relationship towards the end. But despite all that I tried to stay there for him and encourage him and rebuild our friendship despite our relationship not working.

It’s not a terrible thing I’m glad he is in a solid relationship. Solid enough to feel comfortable telling me.

But yea just a tiny bit sad that I feel we might not be able to communicate like we did so it doesn’t disturb the relationship.

That is life I guess. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dear Mental Health Providers:

Telling someone that they are purely paranoid or delusional is dangerous!

To tell someone who is experiencing something, that it is not real is dismissive of what the person is actually going through whether you see it or not.

I know it’s a fine line between enabling and dismissing. But I think allowing someone to talk through their experiences is important for self realization.

Dismissing them only further isolated them and possible put them at risk of rejecting care or oversight all together.

YOU don’t have to actually believe what the person is going through. But you need to believe that they are actually going through it.

My therapist told me I was paranoid because in my Disability Hearing some of her notes where repeated back to me in the disability hearing. And I was like why was that in there?

She had made assumptions that my schizophrenia was “genetic” because my sister was born underdeveloped and with a chromosome issue. 🙄 huh?

Anyway I wasn’t sure why that was in my notes. I assumed that when they correspond with the disability attorneys that she writes something specific up. Not just send hand over my whole file. So when I mentioned my issue with this. She explained that whatever I signed means they handed over the whole file.

So now I know. What is so paranoid about that if it actually happened?

I asked her not to put certain things in my file. And she said I am paranoid.

She also said I don’t look schizophrenic or act it previously. Then throws in my face that I am being “paranoid”, because I didn’t agree with her putting certain things in my chart.

There was nothing paranoid with what I expressed. And she get offended and choose to write off my concerns as “paranoid”. Just like she choose to write me off as possibly not being schizophrenic.

She has been super dismissive.

She doesn’t even listen to me during sessions and picks a sentence of when I am talking to type out and then we sit there wording the sentence for her notes.

So when she called me paranoid for not wanting something in my chart I just told her I was done and got up and left. She has no idea how to work with people experiencing “hallucinations”.

Like I wanted a space where I could speak out loud what was going on with me. I wanted someone to just listen. Allow me to work out the kinks. And I get a chart filled with strange notes and being dismissed as this or that.

This is why I started my blog. I have no one to that believes me, and even if they are listening I can feel the weight of them not wanting to go much deeper with me about my experiences. Like talking about it is too much for them. So I stop to spare the relationship.

I just wanted someone to listen.

Smothering the Fire 🔥

Dampening of natural god given gifts for inorganic supernatural spiritual phenomenon.

You always had gifts. It is not realized during a “spiritual awakening” it is exchanged for a supernatural experience. And look at the word supernatural. It MEANS it’s not natural it does not occur with in the natural order of things.

I reread an old blog entry where I said I felt like my “spiritual gifts” where taken away. I felt like I descended not ascended. Like it’s difficult to do art when I literally have some Demonic Alien Entity thing on my shoulder that won’t shut the fuck up. It has been difficult to connect with people because of isolation and if I do it’s difficult to do solely from the depths of my heart because I’m constantly distracted because Demonic Alien thing won’t shut the fuck up.

I’ve always been a Logic Intuitive. So I can genuinely say my Intuition is based off of logic, reason, algorithms from information I have gathered over the years. And not a need to control the future but to improve the way I or others make decision based on previous information and hopefully truthful information.

An example would be, my old roommate was thinking about buying a car to “build his credit” 🙄. I was simply talking about how awesome my friends hybrid car was because we drove maybe 4 states away on just $30 of gas. I have no idea if that is normal or not. Anyways as he moved towards buying a car I actually told him I think it’s a bad idea. Cars depreciate and it just seemed like a lot of money. To spend on in the city only to drive on the weekends. He didn’t listen and bought an extremely expensive car. Now we lived in front of a bus stop so he had to park his new car a couple of blocks away. The cars mirror got knocked off by someone. We were fighting and I almost felt like he thought it was me. He also would drive drunk and scraped up the whole side of the car and I begged him to stop driving intoxicated. So he didn’t even have the car for a year, fucked it all types of ways up and I think started defaulting on payments which did the opposite of what he wanted. It wasn’t the best decision financially or for his lifestyle. But Logically and intuitively I told him, not the best decision.

I mean that’s an OKAY example. Maybe not the best but it came to mind.

I mean I also use to read tarot cards. And even my intuition was about storytelling. While these instances were maybe more pulled out of the air than say Logical Intuition, they really weren’t because there was an inquire (question) and a tool and it was my job to just interpret the tool.

I have had many tarot readers not read my cards right. But in the moment for the inquirer it’s comforting.

Now more than ever I NEED real answers and solutions as to why I have this entity attached and how to get rid of it. Not just some 5 card spread about my (fake ass) twin flame lame love story.

A natural gift is talent. It’s ability to take emotional cues, it’s innovation, the ability to sooth or inspire others. I think so many of the Occult, New Ager and even some Christians want super powers. Like they want to be the Last AirBender or a Power Ranger. (Don’t get me wrong I want them too, but what are you collaborating with? And do you REALLY have the discernment to KNOW for sure the difference?)

Idk. I personally found a lot of these supernatural feelings, visions, voices, prophecies, experiences have been Demonic Entities. Not a “spiritual awakening” or ascension or gifts. Idk again I am only limited to my perspective of pure constant spiritual torture.

What is my spiritual “gift” seeing demons? Lol like …………. can I return it?

And seeing these demons have kept me from my friends, career, being healthy, my natural gifts, things I enjoy. Possibly the ability to take care of my family or build my own. LIFE! It’s taken over my life……

Maybe it’s just an assumption but I wouldn’t think a “gift” is not suppose to upheave your whole life and leave you in the wilderness to figure shit out yourself. Cut off the possibility of advancing in life because demonic aliens want to be fucking sadistic pedo rapist.

Yea and it started with, “aww I saw a sparkle that means an angel is with me” NOPE! Mine were positive, love and light too at first and that script got FLIPPED! So I don’t trust any of them, even though I can see them.

They want to tell the future, but I think they create the future with suggestions. To be honest. Even as someone who is tortured I can see how they harm or kill someone.

I mean they want to run every thought aspect of my life. Be it smoking, eating, pooping, sleeping, waking up, being false positive or negative thought. A false positive (to me in these situations are fake positivity only to lead up to a negative which is devastating). So an example would be the Demonic Alien voices say something like “you look pretty today……” this would only be to further humiliate me later when I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror they will say “oh never mind you’re ugly”. Now I have no problem looking at my flaws and maybe correcting them in a balanced way. If my eyebrows are looking a little bushy pluck them. But these Demonic Entities are black and white. Good only to be evil. Either or. They need to make you feel special so they can devastate you. There is no balance with them.

This is not a spiritual gift.

Why does it Hurt so bad?

I think one thing that is not talked about is the PAIN of schizophrenia/ Demonic oppression.

I mean the migraines, skull pressure or sucking, nerve pain, your body doing weird things, I actually projectile vomiting maybe 4 time since this has started (and I only puked 2 when I was drunk in my youth), tummy pains, stabbing pains that come out of no where, electrocution, brain zaps, body vibrating, burning sensation, genitals being tortured, being put to sleep or woken up when ever the Demonic Entities feel like it.

I mean these may manifest as, migraines or allergies or sciatica or frybromyalgia or seizures or insomnia. I think if I didn’t have the voices and the “hallucinations” I might have been endlessly searching for medical answers. But since I know my body and I know myself, I know what feels normal and what is not.

So far the healer I worked with alleviated the situation temporarily, the pain that was on my sciatic nerve moved back my head as migraines and jaw and facial pressure.

So the pain, the attachment has not been severed it has only moved.

I’m tired of being tormented, I’m tired of being in constant pain. I miss what it felt like before this attack.

Narcolepsy: Church

So was watching my church online like I do every Sunday (or Monday depending).

And all of a sudden the Entities knocked me out. Now the Entity woke me up at 3am and then at 12pm knocked me out mid sermon.

The Entities kept calling my pastor gay. Which I wouldn’t care if he was, but he’s not. And the Entities were trying to twist the word and Say Jesus worship is Satan worship. Which is another thing running around in the New Age/ Occult arena.

So it took me a while to figure out WHY these Entities were pushing me into Christianity in the beginning. In the beginning I believed in God above all things and Jesus as a teacher sent by God to teach us how to be better humans. However that is what the commandments are for. I did not believe that Jesus was ONLY PATH (new agey) and that he was God embodied to die for our sins, not so we can sin, but so we can be redeemed.

So I was an easy target for my ignorance.

The reason that these entities played God was so they could then disprove or then make it seem that there was no God or to make me lose faith in the feeling of abandonment as they torture me for the last 4 years.

It’s a simple bait and switch. My “spiritual journey” was at its essence trying to become closer to God and understand truth in this world of lies. And then my weird supernatural experience (caused by Entities /Demons) crossed with the crazy new age stuff I found online (which people think is spiritual) totally knocked me off my feet. And things got really confusing.

These demons are really out here trying to lure people further and further from God. To the point they are pretending to be God.

They will say they are the Voice of God or Jesus and then rape you energetically, torture you, take over your mind to the point you don’t know what is what, show you illusions so you keep running after something that essentially does not exist, because we want proof of something beyond us. Then make you feel as if God abandoned you and try to convince you there is no God.

And I’m like OK so the Demonic Entities that are TALKING TO ME, are trying to convince ME there is NO GOD. Lol how much sense does that make?

I mean the first fuck up was that they made was revealed themselves to me all. That was number one. And then THEY, these astral matrix-y demonic (acting) entities, are going to try to convince ME something doesn’t exist when in fact their mere existence was unfathomable in the first place?

It’s easy to get stuck in our immediate situation with these demonic entities. To think that is all there is. To constantly try to figure it out and blame it on new agey past life’s, karma, twin flames, not having our occult astral shields up, not doing enough witchy baths, government following you cause you went to a protest, not being of love and light…. some bs. Yea NO. And it’s easy to get into these concepts, when trying to figure out WHY AM I BEING ATTACK?!

I will be honest with you ANYONE can be attack. Sinner, the righteous, Good, bad and in between. What only truly furthers our attacks is IGNORANCE.

The lack of truth. Some of which we may never figure out and need to come to peace with that. We aren’t meant to know all the secrets of the universe lol because then that would make us God. And we are not God or Gods as much as we would like ourselves to be.

So be at peace with not knowing everything. Enough was revealed to us to know what these things are and that they attack who ever. Even Jesus in the desert for 40 days, and he is Holy!! That is how bold these demons are, they attacked the son of God, in hopes he would weaken.

So why not us?

Or a lot of us…… not all.

So know this. All of these theories. While they can help in the absence of faith to have something to cling to…… they can be VERY detrimental in the fact they can be skewed, twisted, ever evolving to get us to the point there is no God. The word of God is unmoving (well for the most part, minus slavery and stuff, BUT it says in the Bible that it must not be altered and those who did so at any point in time will face severe consequences).

You know what’s funny, is that I actually think a lot of the technologies that Target Individuals talk about exist in some fashion. I guess my point is that more likely they are NOT using it on you. Bob next door does not have DARPA weapons aimed at you and follow you everywhere you go.

But the devil knows how to get you worked up enough to think so. If you cant see through the lies then we are definitely doomed.

Man all I wanted to do is watch a sermon this morning. And I’m out here on my internet soap box.

False Teachings: Kundalini, False “Awakenings”, Ascension… The New Age 🙄

So this was a comment on a video I was watching. I can attest to the false and misleading teachings.

Again I slipped into New Age trying to find God for me. And trying to figure out why I was having “supernatural” experiences, And just found some wacky stuff. But at the heart of it there was some…… idk truth to the matter but it is only meant to suck you in even deeper.

So while I might not see the “serpent going up my back” I have seen snakes in the “astral” and I have seen these other things placed over the forehead that represents the 3rd eye.

One time I was walking down the street, neck deep in the thick of this experience. And a old school (but young) psychic woman stopped me on the street. She said she had something to tell me. And I went to her apartment. She said I had a “tear in my aura”, 🤯🙄🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️ (okie dokie) she pulled some cards and asked me what do I think the blindfold represents. For some reason I said protection (and I know how to read tarot unfortunately). In that moment the blindfold for me meant protection and keeping us from seeing certain things.

I don’t know if God removed “the veils” from my eyes, but the way the Entities try to cover them is COMPLETELY different than the way I have lived my life over the last 30 summin years. Like I can actually see a black patch in front of my eyes. It’s subtle enough to not completely ruin my physical vision. But still there. This black patch (or attachment) creates visions illusions dreams. And when they remove them when they feel like it, I can see them (be it real astral or an illusion) something is there and or something put something there. So this aspect developed in 2017 a year after hearing the voices. Seeing the entities would scare anyone. Seeing Troll/Demon/ Reptilian, Alien heads Floating around, Praying Mantis, it’s uhhhh not fun. I mean some may think it’s fun but it gets old real quick. Especially once you realize you don’t really have much control over the experience.

I wasn’t even deep into yoga. Just went to two classes with my coworkers to have a “healthy lifestyle”. I’m not gonna lie I enjoyed the strengthening aspect of yoga and stretching areas that normally would not get attention. But honestly in my process of elimination I have no problem letting that go as well.

Like as much as people want to deny it SOMETHING IS UP and A LOT of people are feeling it one way or another.

I mean to me the 3rd Eye is a light receptor. That is my take. Super Natural or not, I don’t think anyone would see the “supernatural realms” if these entities were not in VERY close proximity. Like I saw sparkles when I was younger but that is an attack from a further range by an entity. But if the entity is close by (at least for me personally), you might see black shadows, actual entities, get pain in the body.

Entities as I keep reiterating in this blog , from my observations, are made up of light, light can apparently have consciousness and through their own consciousness they can create illusions with the light that they are. That is the best way I can describe it.

Some want to play with these realms and do you boo, but not me. At best I want to release myself. And that’s been my goal ever since this stuff started.

But it has been interesting putting together some of these concepts together. At least I have SOME understanding of my spiritual oppression.