Love is an Act I choose to engage in.

I am not love. I am a vessel or receptor that is inhabited by me (and maybe a few other entities unfortunately).

When I engage in love NOW….. love is a conscious act despite my experience. When I show love to my family and friends, when I praise God, when I engage in something I enjoy despite the pain of my experience. It is an act of love because everything in my reality currently wants me not to show the love that flowed through me so effortlessly. But naively to the pain of other.

Understanding other pain through my own helped me connect in a deeper way. I was one of those people that would say, “just stay positive”. And that is VERY DIFFICULT when your circumstances or experience does not show the fruits of “staying positive”.

I eliminated all things that was negative to me including human inaction. So when I do it is an act of love in one way or another. I know isolation. I’m ok with being by myself. Despite my experience. I like me so when I interact pleasurable or not it is an act of love. Not a feeling.

Sex and Suffering 💔

After my break up with my ex (false twin flame) in the summer of 2015. I tried dating to get over him maybe 6 months later. But every date I went on ended up turning into sex even though i didnt want it to. And i didnt know how to say no.

In my head….. We would talk all night, maybe make out, eat some good food. But it would quickly become sexual and i would blame myself for being there in the first place and i didnt want to be disliked or for the situation to turn ugly like it has the other times i had said no (rape). Being a people pleaser sucks some times. I did this about 3 or 4 times thinking each time would different. But it wasnt.

I felt like things were spiraling out of control. I mean i had this break up with my ex, i had this energy of obsessesion which i didnt feel connected to and it was driving me crazy cause it was like being split in two. I didn’t want to feel this feeling of obsession that i never felt before. I wanted it to stop. So i did what i would normal do. Move on. But i kept being met with the dudes that just wanted to hook up and i didnt know how to navigate.

In December of 2015 i hung out with with MMA fighter dude, he seemed cool. But i did hear a voice say “SHE SUCKING KARMAS DICK NOW!” as MMA guy walked into the other room (so i didnt see him say it). I thought he was talking about an ex or something. But i didnt make a big deal out of it. So on New Years 2016 he asked me to hang out but i realized this once i met him this was after he had already hung out with his friends and got lit. And that was a bit of a turn off. We made out and he asked me to call him “pappi”which im not latinx and not my thing and then wanted me to go down on him, which i did hestitantly and he knew i wasnt into because he said why was i looking at him like that. It was because i was disappointed.

I will also be honest and i am ashamed to say that i thought in hindsight that engaging in sex would prolong my stay after traveled all the way out to see this person and after he said he was tired, i knew that was my que to leave. So i realized it was the voices that said “shes sucming Karmas dick now!” But they dont always make sense but then they do in a strange fucked up way.

After that day i was over it. I was tired of being used….. I wasnt getting what ibwant which was a solid relationship with someone who respected, cared and loved me. And so i made a choice to be celibate.

Then my world started to crumble.

The voices became more predominant. My dad had a really scary heart surgery, my gay uncle died out of no where, my twin sister had a stroke. It was woa. And the voices were pretending to be telepathy with my ex (false twin flame). And i was loosing it all. Complete reality melt down.

Then the voices kept saying “wait for A(ex)” (relationship/sex) and another would say “for the rest of you life!”. They would make it seem likecwe were going to get back sometime and othertime like we would never get back together.

The voices would ask “would say dont ask for anything!” And i thought this was telepathy with my ex. But then a female voice came in a bunch of time and asked ” what do you want? A house, a car, money?” After saying “nothing” hundreds of times i said a house, because my dumb ass thought that my ex and i family could live together in a nice big house. But mainly i wanted to stopped being asked this question over and over again. And a male voice said “who would want a house in this economy?!”. A female voice said “don’t you mean you want A(ex) ?!”. I thought i had answered the question wrong. I thought it was suppose to be him and not something material. Idk. So i said FINE my ex!

Thats when everything went down hill. The voices acted as my ex and his roommate or best friend (female voice) interchangeably. “My ex” (the demon voices) would force me to have orgasms randomly through the day. His friends harrassed me, tortured me in ways i didnt know was possible. Screamed all day. Cursed at me. Called me all sorts of names. Burning my vagina, giving me migraines that felt like brain aneurysms, at night my body would feel like it was floating, i mean i could go on and on and onhow i was torture. They would say he was with some one new and prettier than me. And I just could not understand why he was toying with me and doing the orgasms and sex stuff. It felt wrong. So i asked to stop and they wouldnt.

It wasn’t until i denounced the twin flame did things started to get even worse. The visions went from harassing to abusive. Andcshowing images of child sexual abuse. Even my ex abusing children from my job. I mean it was BAD. Lime really fucking bad. To the point i has to quit my job. And they were calling me a “child molester” and saying i was now suffering “in the place of my father” (who was wrongfully accused of molesting me). All the while they were raping me. After i quit my job i said well now im now i cant be a child molester cause there are children to molest (being facetious). Boy was that a bad idea. Then they kept showing me sick images and i called them pedos and then they started calling me a pedo! 😓 fucking hate my entire life. Seriously.

So after about 9 months of celibacy and tripping balls, loosing everything, being psychically attackedin ways i didnt even know was possible. I decided needed an adult sexual relationship cause i was really getting sick of the pedo shit and it was scaring me.

In October of 2016 started dating this one guy out in jersey. I told him inwas in a fragile state because i had a mental break down. I still didnt understand it fully. I mean i still dont most days. I told him i wanted to hold off of on having sex. We went on a few dates karaoke and nice dinners. And indecised to go to his house deep in Jersey. Again i told him i didnt want to have sex before hand. Affection and kissing and spending time with each other is fine. But before you know it i literally turned around for a moment and turned back around anf he was completely naked begging me to go down on him. And again i didnt know what to do. I should have known better AGAIN. I thought telling him ahead of time that my boundary would be respected. And i was in the middle of bumbba nowhere new jersey with no real way out till the next day.

We dated for 4 weeks and he planned the “Sweetest Day” which is celebrated on the 3rd Saturday of October and is kind of like a Valentines Day. The week before i was having really bad psychosis and it took a toll on me physically so i didnt have the energy to make it all the way out to Jersey. Then the next week was the sweetest day. But my grandma passed away. And he had thr NERVE to get mad at me. Like really actually raising his voice and stressing me out mad at me for canceling plans (not last minute either). So after that i was done for a while.

Also the voices kept saying “i cant wait for “great day”(my grandma catch phrase)” or “for the shoe to drop” meaning she was going to pass. I chose not to believe them cause everyone said they feed of of fear abd sadness. But they got me. They told the future AGAIN.

Either way i tried dating a schiz guy in December thinking he would be more sensitive that DID NOT go well either. He actually smacked me in my face during sex and then denied the whole thing. Also the voices were involving themselves in my sex life saying “yea i like it like that” and being gross as usual.

I mean they quickly bypassed the crazy and really sticking to this disgusting for a while now.

SO after ALL THAT HOT MESS I was celibate for two years 2017/2018. All the while hunkering down and just sutting through the rape and molestation and burns and abuse and sick visions and scary hallucinations and fatigue….. Electrocution ….. You name it. I cant even name all the abuse.

Then after two years i wanted to just talk to someone …… And thought i would JUST TALK to talk. Buti met a military guy who i thought i could have something special with. He seemed kind and really understanding that i had schizophrenia and talked about how he wanted me to have his babies. And so i thought THIS TIME introduce him to my family. And we dated for a few weeks. I thought this one was going to be long lasting from the way he talked to me. And then when i went to his house i wanted to but after 3 times having sex he just ghosted.

So no matter how i tried to do things different it doesnt matter it just keeps being a waste of time. I just wanted someone to hold me through all of this scary shit and tell me its ok. And love me and tell me im beautiful when the voices tell me im ugly.

All these guys were such a waste of time and i feel like such an idiot. And i really wish inwould have known better. And i wish i could take it all back and said NO and just had the courage to walk out. Because nothing amounted to anything.

Now i am back on my celibacy tip. Since like a month ago from military dude. And idk. Kust writing it out. I secretly want someone to be there but it is not worth the risk at this point. I just figured the voices WANT(ed) me to be alone and isolated so they can rape me and wouldnt cultivate love in my life. To be honest.

But im kot doing that either way. So its useless.

Whatever. 💔

🌈Pride: Stand Before God

Parents kicked me out because I was gay at 19.

I worked hard to heal that during my adult life.

I was lucky enough to have found the love of my life my soul mate (trans man not my false twin flame). I thought we would get married some day when it was legal. We would fantasize about a peacock wedding. I would be the albino peacock and he the blue. And the cake would have the two peacocks on top with the feathers swirling around the cake tiers in details. Sooo yea…… anyway……

I felt against the world because people at my job would say sly comments about gay people.

I said to myself, if it is truly a sin I would stand before God, because I felt that our love was true love.

Soon after maybe 6 month my soul mate told me he was poly an had been repressing it and wanted to see other people. We broke up.

I was devastated. 💔💔💔

This is the person I had thank God for. Who I literally thanked his mother for giving birth to him like a weirdo. The person I was willing to carry on my back so we can make it together. Who I was putting my soul on the line before God, because our love didn’t feel like a sin it felt like true love, it wasn’t of the flesh it was a partnership and the world was telling me I was a sinner or nasty because of it.

And then……. he left me………

Sooooo………… I was wrong.

And now I’m taunted by demonic voices, for pride month, as I try to grow in my faith, and they say I got this because I am gay……..NOW. Two years later!

Before they said it was because of my ex (false twin flame and cis male). Then they said i was “paying for my father” (whatever the fuck that means). But NOW it’s because I’m a queerdo.

I love people based on how I feel and give people a chance but apparently that’s not working out in my favor either. I will always be queer but I’m also nothing. I don’t care about the label.

At best an an asexual amoeba at this point because schizophrenic demonic possession got me like WHOA!

I just feel like shit now.

It’s a soft spot for me cause I already lost so much for being gay.

Now possibly Gods favor. I love God. So you know.

I never thought like this until these nasty Demonic voices showed up after my false twin flame. I hate it. It’s so confusing and painful.

I’m use to pulling myself up out of slumps and I just can’t with this I’m literally being energetically shot if I make any sudden moves towards positive change.

🌈😭🏳️‍🌈

Sexual Healing 🙄💔

I’m craving not sex but intimacy and love. Adult intimacy.

I have been stuck in this Demonic matrix for 3 years now and they have been going on about my ex (false twin flame), my fathers penis, child molestation and showing me that gross shit and raping me all day.

I want comforting arms around me to tell me it will be ok. No expectations to have sex cause honestly being abused for this long like this I’m a little sick to my stomach and can not deal with anything less than pure.

But I don’t have the energy to put myself out there. I won’t. I’m too broken, I don’t want bring these demons into someone else’s life. I’m not whole I have nothing to bring to the table, not even close to even being healed or healing…..

Just thinking out loud.

Stockholm Syndrome: Falling in love with abuser.

So one thing I noticed when the Entities “moved on” or was trying to transition the topic of my false twin flame, was when I would see a reptilian like Entity with the body of say my ex (muscular) and the face of a reptilian. The Entity would try to make it seem like I was turned on by the Reptilian as I observed the outlines trying to make out what I was looking at. As everything else that’s NOT a turn on it would connect to my vagina and create a buzzing sensation to make it seem as if it is. (YOU HAVE NO IDEA how tired I am of raping and touching my vagina all day every day for 2.5 years!)

It wants to pervert love, God and all things good. Our good nature, or protective nature, our truth seeking nature.

I am tired of trying to make pain look beautiful. We romanticize our pain, create beauty out of torture in hopes that it might be less painful for another, and that our testimony is the end that chapter of pain painted with water colors of understanding that we picked out to say I survived.

But it’s still pain. It should be. It’s the whisper in an ear that turns a head to look at another a think they want to hurt them. To cause pain. It’s the feeling that we think we deserve this pain. To perpetuate pain. And essentially it is a lie.

I refuse to be in love with my abuser (these Demonic astral beings) or the idea of being abused. That “pain brings awareness” or some other lame excuse to perpetuate pain and lies.

Dude 🤦🏻‍♀️

So today some girl put up a chat between her and this guy that she was just talking to who kept bringing up her weight. She told him she would like to talk about something else and he went off about how he deserves a “thick” woman that he can buy a house for and she was unworthy because she is lazy and fat (granted this was in a weight loss group and she is not fat).

I realized that this tone, this voice, this sentiment sounded so familiar. It took me a while to realize that guys were using me and I didn’t know better. Ultimately the Entity took on the persona of these type of men. That only value you if your pretty or thin or silent.

Silent because then they can continue their abusive behavior.

And now I live with the repercussions every moment of everyday cause someone wasn’t raised right.

This Entity mimics these sentiments. Emotionally mentally abusive calling me ugly and fat and yet rapes me as I wake up every morning. I still don’t know why. Or how. Exactly.

I tried talking some dude on OkCupid just to chill and talk and this guy wanted to video chat right off the bat and I wasn’t in the mood to I just wanted to text and he kept on insisting even though I said another time. And he got mad at me. It’s like never enough ……. always have to get more out of the situation.

So now I’m afraid to talk to guys let alone date because it’s always about getting more and progressing so fast. If it’s a chat then it’s phone/video/endless picture requests. If it’s a date then it’s sex. If it’s sex then it’s some freaky shit. And if not that then rape.

Like I just don’t understand men.

People want to say “oh it’s a reflection of you” you need to soul search. We maybe it’s NOT! Maybe you’re a nice person and didn’t take someone at face value. Maybe people are assholes and their everywhere and it’s totally unavoidable. Maybe you are looking for an actual reflection of yourself and the opposite.

Not to mention with this schiz demon if someone is not gentle with me I pay the price and the schiz demon just finished the job for them. So how am I suppose to have human contact? How am I suppose to leave the house? I’m tired and bored and over this.

I can’t imagine this is what God wants. I don’t see how. I hate this.

Soul Mate: Marriage 💍

So my soul mate of 5 years (not false twin flame)……. I always thought we were going to get married. I mean it wasn’t like a big deal there was no pressure.

As most young couples we test the waters of home life and the first day he moved in he said “we married now” I said “oh real!? Where’s the ring!?” He said , “it’s called RENT!” We both laughed I was shocked at his boldness, slight disrespect but that shit was funny and real.

It’s rough out here in NYC. We would lay in bed and dream about what our wedding day would look like and as queer couple we never thought it would be recognized by the state so it didn’t matter. I would be the white peacock and I would design his suit made from the intricate design patterns on a peacock. Also it’s ties to Ochun and incorporating it into the table settings and into the wedding cake.

But after he had a car accident and I carried us through financial, once he got better he wanted to be polyamorous again and I didn’t want to hold him back.

I said it was me or poly and I could mentally deal with being poly at the time. And he chose poly. I was upset but I was ok. I think the amount of love we shared made it easy to let go. It hurt. But that was the only person I thought I would ever marry and maybe the only person I’ve dated that I’ve trust. lol And I still got my heart broke.

I’m glad we remained friends. I didn’t know how to explain to someone I was currently dating about an ex (soul mate) I was unsure of or if it was even an obligation. We had broken up about 2 years prior and still would see each other here and there at an art event and shared a phone plan at the time cause it was cheaper.

Either way I’m glad we stayed friends. I value both the time we shared and him being in my life. I recently took a huge step back with with him because of the schizophrenia, I didn’t want to feel like a burden. I mean nothing has changed. I want to enjoy the time I have with my friends at this point to be better. But I don’t know if I will ever reach that point. But I’m not in a place to be totally objective.

Well at least I don’t think I’m Isis reincarnated and I’m suppose to commit suicide to obtain a new vessel to have another life with my twin flame (false) Osiris. It’s been a long way. A painful one.

✨❤️ Every thing I love ❤️✨

I feel like everything I love eventually goes away.

I do not have lifetimes my loves.

Just moments .

Maybe a few moments elongated.

Echoed with memories in between.

Hopefully they were fond ones.

But it feels like more goodbye’s maybe it was just traumatic. I remember every single one.

Maybe I’m suppose say goodbye until it stops hurting but then I would be numb.

Maybe tell myself it’s not goodbye. It’s a see you next time. But that’s a lie.

Maybe just know I loved you with every part of me, visible and unseen. And I will carry you in my memory for as long as I can.

And no this is not just about a man, or romance, but friends, family, my people, possessions I cherished, who I knew my self to be, my community, my world.

So even though I don’t see you.

I love you simply.

The Great Love Debate

So Valentine’s Day is off my holiday list for person reasons and historical reason.

Personally I have dated a few dude who I think are crippled by valentines believing it is a prerequisite to marriage and act like a total asshole or avoid me all together ending up in a fight on or around valentines so spare me the hearts and holidays I will act like it doesn’t exist since a box of chocolates causes a malfunctions in the male brain.

Also for a historical reason. Given it’s dark past it is only fitting I would suffer as well. Given the Romans would abuse young woman “into fertility” and paired with a random dude, and then later on the murder of St. Valentine I believe.

On my Facebook timeline I keep seeing all these positive affirmations of “love yourself” “date yourself” these funny videos of dudes making out with their reflections, or people’s valentines being their dogs. It’s funny uplifting I get it.

And I guess I want to challenge this idea becoming overwhelming consumed with ourselves of loosing our heart connections with others.

It hurts. Instead we should be practicing learning and relearning better ways at communication. How we can show up, hold space and actually be there for each other and our selves. To be honest.

Why in a world of 8 billion do we feel alone? Have we ever thought that is mental conditioning? To keep us isolated? Docile? Trippin on who’s right?

Is this this the trade off for a capitalist empire? In the U.K. They recently appointed a “Minister of Loneliness” to address the issues because apparently it’s that serious of an issue. Are we so consumed with our stuff, and jobs and our false fantasy ideas of what a relationship looks like from media that we opt out?

That wasn’t my reasoning, of course if you read my blog it’s because I have been under constant attack by a Demonic Entity and much of my energy is reserved for emergencies only when it comes to friends near by. And I don’t have the heart to get my heart broken again by some tinder dude that just wants a long term hook up until he can get another girl.

Plus feeling watched was not hot.

Either way fuck Vday, fuck capitalism, fuck this false sense of loneliness. Fuck this demon!