ChosenΒ 

During an “episode”, I’m sure the first are always the meatiest…. How are scenarios, topics, themes, fears, voices, images chosen?

While I am dropping the demon perspective, I guess I am only doing this maybe… Prove that point. 

I have other fears. Like….. Trypophobia, you know the fear of irregular holes. That and mayo. So why was child abuse chosen as a theme?

Or why did it choose the ex (“twin flame”) that it chose, I’ve dated other men, and my longest was with my ex partner of 5 years who is transgender and we are still friends. So why not that ex? I mean there is at least 5 years worth of material there.

Why this time in my life? When everyone in my family was in a health crisis and my grandma and uncle passed away? Why now? Why not before? Why when I tried my hardest to keep my head above the sadness was I yanked down into its depths?

Why the goddess Isis? I studied mythology from both Celtic and Yoruba culture. And more recently Yoruba looking into the characteristics of Yemaya and Oshun.
Why when I looked up, spirit husband, djinn, incubus, the Entity said it prefers to be called and an Entity? And prior to that chose my ex (“twin flames”) name as its own. 

Why can anxiety be created in me, but I can not create anxiety? Why can the voice in my head send buzz and burns to my body, but I can not do the same TO MY body?

Why of all the amazing feats (over coming homelessness, weight loss, good job, paying studeny loans, raises etc) was then every thing undone? I stayed optimistic.

Why for every postivie thought or action, this voice negates it with something gross or disgusting?

How are these thing chosen? When there is wide range of emotions or topics to choose from?

I mean I have sun understanding of subconscious material. I’m not saying that the material wasn’t there, I’m saying who or how it is all chosen and weaved into some insane storyline?

Who or what has the choice? Cause I know I could not even phathom something like this. 

πŸ‘‘ Your Crown πŸ‘‘

In the beginning of all of this. 

After I took the cleansing bath. 

The “Entity” said A LOT of things. I mean it still does. And I am usually sitting here with my head cocked to the side like HUH?!. 

Still trying to learn to ignore it because none of it means anything and even it it HAPPENS to make some sense by some mere coincidence…. Oh fucking well. Nothing was worth this experience and it was a waste of my life and time. 

πŸ‘‘ I was fresh out the break up in the summer of 2015, living with a friend, trying to keep my shit together. I was making sure to go to the gym more since I was bored and wasn’t biking to work as much. 

I remember this moment on the treadmill that I felt my head or what people would refer to as the “crown chakra” feeling it was “opening up”. I was a little worried. I had these strange “gong” headaches i even went to the doctor for, but everything came back normal. I was also worried that the IUD that I had gotten for extra protection with my ex was causing my blood pressure to rise and I went into Google Doctor mode to make sure. So I later got the IUD removed (as much as the doctors tried to convince me to leave it in). 

So this feeling on the skull that was just like my head was wide open. As I was on the treadmill had me a bit concerned. But I just went along and was pushing myself physically to stay healthy for my job.

In 2016 fell into the episode, delusion …. This “Entity” had already laid the grown work, prepped and groomed me. Already had attached this story line to my ex as my “twin flame“. As telepathy, the perfect cover. 

I was at my job and the “Entity” said in the voice of my ex, “Remember who gave you your crown.”

I had looked up why my head would be feeling like this. “Soul Star Chakra“…. “Halo / Crown”, ect… So many explanations. This Entity acting as my ex (“twin flame”) wanted to say he gave me all these things “crown” before being “initiated” and eventually “married” to my ex. This Entity wanted to “give” me all these illusions or hopes or whatever so it could take it away. And quickly put on what felt like an energetic “harness” to make me sit up straight and “act like a lady”.  

Another moment at my job, the Entity said, “she needs a new vessel.” Meaning, my soul, spirit needed to be in another body for my ex to love me. (Crazy shit I know.) But again this was grooming for the suicide it tried to force me into. Said I needed to, “Die for (my ex’s name) by means of child molestion”. So it was going to keep showing me sick images until I committed suicide. 

But things were sick, abusive, it didn’t stop…. It was constant…. It was crazy…. Scary…. Debilitating.

In retrospect, I realized that my crown wasn’t being given, but being taken away, or blocked as my life became extremely instable. 

I can’t say where it exactly began. But I know where thing got crazy. Which was 2016. Right after questioning and trying to stop this obsession with my ex that I did not feel connected to. 

I know I tried my hardest in all of this. Peeling back any delusions. And I will continue to try to resolve this in the best ways I know how. That’s all I got, with all I know.

But no this “entity” never gave me anything. Never will. Just some tricks and some lies, while it takes what it needs to give it self a reason to stay here. 

It’s Hot!

Since this Entity has decided to attack have never been so use to …… Thinking so loud. I am aware that even before I would speak to this Entity in my mind….. That there is a thought before that…. And maybe even one before that.. That sparks maybe what is known as thought.

So for instance …. I was thinking about (non mental verbal) how humid it is and traveling to go see a friend…. A vision/ image of pores of flesh flashed in my mind so lightly quickly. Then the Entity yells out “It’s HOT!”. I, trying to access my original thought said, “No I meant humid”…. A moment after I asked the Entity, “Why do you do that?” At which the Entity replied, “To make you go CRAZY!”. I just sat there in my first moments of waking up wondering……. why?

I went to go get some coffee and the Entity proceeded to go off about how it doesn’t care about me…. And just the usual negative bla bla. Trying to control my thinking as per the usual.

And I still wonder why? Still? I mean I realized most of the tricks…. So why are we still doing this?