Mandala Effect and Targeted Individuals

Just some thoughts.

Mandala Effect I wonder if the mandala effect has to do with “targeted individuals”. I mean I wrote it off as just people being misinformed. I mean our memories aren’t always the best. But there is also our “minds eye” or “third eyes” or “imagination” so when we are asked a question we access it in some way. So I wonder if those who believe something to be one way and not the other are under “mind control” as “targeted individuals”. Just a theory.

Gang Stalking. From what I read many people believe they are being stalked or followes by a group or organization. And while this may be true as a “target individual”, one I doubt they would make themselves so obvious. And two its a part of the “paranoid schizophrenia” “play”. In my own experience the VOICE  or Entity, whatever you want to call it…. Would make me believe it was my ex and his friends doing this to me. Then it moved to my place of work and it was my coworkers. Then moved to my home and almost everyone in NYC had something to say about me. Talk about gang stalking, how about about a whole borough “bullying” you? It was/ is intense to say the least and makes it difficult to go outside and engage the world like I use to. Once I realized this is impossible… For EVERYONE in NYC to be talking about little old me things changed. Once I realized it is impossible for my ex and his friend (who lived on the other side of the country) to psychic telepathic access to me to bully me. Things changed. Once I realized that THE VOICE(s) were talking too fast to be two different people things changed. So while it still happens some times…. I don’t believe it. It is just ONE Entity simulating this nasty ass shit.

As I said before, like I wonder if this how people get hurt or go crazy and hurt people thinking they are doing this shit to them, or suicide cause they are lost in some sick simulation overlay. 

Types of voices. You may notice both a pitch or frequency accompanied by a white static noise. Try ear plugs and touching certain parts of your body like ears or neck … Or affected areas or closing your body in yoga positions. The tones may change. But I pray that you not hear them if you are uncertain. The types of voices I noticed are as followed.

Main Voice: I’m not sure if some people are even able to get there. But once you get past the paranoia or characters or actual people that IT is hiding behind … You may find one voice. I’m not sure how that may play out for individuals because each have a different experience. But this is in relation to “targeted individuals” and the feeling of “gang stalking”. My particular Voice or Entity attachment…. Is intelligent, manipulative, obsessive, lies, I could say creative, but for this experience is absurdly abusive and inhumanly psychotic. May present itself as an archetype of authority, God, Jesus, Goddesses, Buddha, Ex partners, Bosses, Satan, Aliens, Angels, Parents, etc so that you feel powerless. Which in that moment may very well feel true. This “Main Voice Entity”, orchestrates most of the experience. The main voice may very well emulate YOU. So while its orchestrating it is suggesting you (light images, memories, or actual “subconscious thought”) how to respond or placing false feelings.

The Scream: This one often sounds like a distant scream that repeats over and over. Usually negative. May be “fuck you” or “bullshit” or “you’re crazy” “you’re ugly” or something that means something to you. Tends to rhyme. At one point I called it Rumpelstiltskin. But repeats it over and over again. This one also tends to be melodic. So you may hear music like sounds off of running water or other ambient sounds like a fan or humming of a car. 

Voice(s) / Gang Stalking: So this one is difficult. One, being paranoid is natural in natural situation. Walking down a dark ally sure. Stepping out of your house to get some almond milk in broad daylight…. Not so much. The Voice Entity is an opportunitist and will exploit any situation. So if you think your Boss passed you up for a promotion it is going to maybe you felt down or depressed … angry…. This Entity Voice will make you go postal… Hopefully not literally.

So my theory is that The ONE Voice Entity controls the “many”. The one that sings, the one that screams in the distance, the one that says your name randomly, the one that make you think people in your life are out to get you (but hey who knows), the one that makes you think your being gang stalked, that the TVor radio is talking to you, talking to dead relativites or people far away, The one that makes you think you heard someone say some crazy shit and they didnt, the one that makes you think you are taking to goddesses or aliens. 

I can’t say what this…. Exactly… But that is what I have realized for myself. It doesn’t make it any less debilitating.

This post is just on voices I could go on about the whole experience. But it rarely ever makes any sense. So as with “targeted individuals” while I can relate with the experience and can see it relate with other experiences as well (spiritual awakening “purging” “dark night of the soul” or Kundalini symptoms and “surrendering”ect) there is always that one piece missing. 

Who, How, and Why?

“Shadow” as a compliment

Looking at this experience from many angles and beliefs….. I had this moment of taking it as a compliment.

While this… “Shadow” …. This “Entity” tried everything in its power…. And with in my own as well, to convince me I AM this …. And not that….. That I AM who IT says I am… a terrible person….. That I am something unknown to me…. But most of all I don’t know who I am…..

It had to use the every tactics to try and convince me or make me believe I was someone…. Or something I am not.

But if that is who I am then there wouldn’t be any need for convincing. I know where my delusions lie. 

This Entity had to distort my reality in order to throw me off my center and used the opportunity of traumatic life events as a point of attack.

The hate, the bigotry, the sexual distortion, the control, the rape, the dillusion, the torture, the lies, the manipulation, the fear…. The “darkness”.

Those are all things I would consider myself NOT to be. I’m not in any way perfect. I can not say that I have never in my life been dishonest or manipulative. But for a majority of my life I have tried to be conscious of such… If not hyper conscious. We all have potential…. Slip ups. But that doesn’t make us who we are. 

So the fact that this Entity (which NOW wants to call its self my shadow so that I will accept it as my own) used the OPPOSITE of who I know myself to be…. is telling. I am no longer interested in playing this Three Card Monti of “is this you or is this me?”. 

Telling to who I really am. And what I am not.

So I take this Entities best efforts in trying to destroy who I am…. As a compliment. 

It took many years of preparation I see. 

I’ve lost some people and some things that I love dearly. Lots of dignity in the process.

But …… I know who I am. 

More so than ever now.

Psychological Profile of the Entity

So there is a level of acceptance that I need to reach …… Everything I have experienced in the last year and a half and counting has been INSANE!!!! To say the least…. As I tried to report honestly in this blog. 

I have disassociate from the experience because it it was nothing but lies. There was no telepathy, no twin flame, I didn’t hurt anyone, I don’t know what exactly I’m “”paying” for. And it def ain’t the voice of God. 

So. 

Midigating my reality and this very dark experience has been ridiculously hard. Petrifying to be exact.

Many people believe that this experience is just some mental illness, its schizophrenia, or the subconscious mind. I’ve pegged it as a Demon…. Or whatever version of that you want to name it. As I’ve said before every culture or belief has some version of naming IT.

So in my observations….. And my recollections I can only throw the whole psychological book at this “Entity”.

I mean it manipulated me into trusting it. Stalked for years, waited for the right moment, the right cover, the right story, the right person to hide behind. It used fear, guilt, shame, humiliation and torture to maintain control. And I am suppose to believe this is just my subconscious mind?….. My ego “acting up”? If this is ego death….. Its was dead for years. 

This post was triggered because I saw the term “word salad” used in a video about Narcissists. I googled it and found it was both something people with “mental illnesses” do consciously and unconsciously. Wiki describes it as;

Word salad may describe a symptom of neurological or psychiatric conditions in which a person attempts to communicate an idea, but words and phrases that may appear to be random and unrelated come out in an incoherent sequence instead. Often, the person is unaware that he or she did not make sense.

Wiki also spoke about random and rhythmic as a way a “word salad” may be presented. Which this Entity does often. Rhyming with words off of the TV… Or randomly droping phrases to fish for a thought it can play off of or exploit. I believe the YouTuber who mentioned the term “word salad” was trying to speak to how Narcs divert from being directly questioned by using “word salad”…. Which leaves someone confused and uses it to their benefit in some sort of way.

Another thing is that, I know for a fact that there is only ONE Entity here with me (tho I could always be wrong) because one day I was wondering WHY was this Entity talking so fast. It was presenting itself as both a female and a male to maintain a storyline at the time but the speech pattern was extremely fast. So I came to the conclusion that it was just one.

Often when the Entity wants to scare me …. Or is bored, or wants to make me feel like shit…. It splits into another character(s) and starts talking about me …. Whatever the subject may be. That normally only happens “outside of me” meaning it doesn’t come off as a thought or telepathy…. But off of other sounds such as a TV. But it is only ONE Entity. 

Yea I know crazy.

So I’m sitting here observing this Entity play out whatever sick fantasy it has with me and trying to say it was my own. But I’m having a hard time accepting that. Because I know myself. 

My pseudo psychological assessment of the Entity is as such:

Narcissist: charming, confusing, liar, manipulative, demeaning, controling, abusive, lack of empathy, grandiose, entitled.

Obsessive: Constant thoughts, “suggestions” or urges of usually unhealthy or painful things. My ex (“twin flame”), eating, cigarettes, painful memories, fears or vulnerabilities etc. Also used as a way to control.

Personality disorder: Makes up characters or hides behind the persona of other people in order to manipulate and or “play”. 

Psychopath: has no shame, guilt or regaurd for another life. Abusive. Plots and plans to manipulate to what means I am unsure. Said it wants me to “commit suicide” or “make me go crazy” by means of torture and fear. 

I mean I’m now labeled as Schizophrenic because I have to hear this crazy shit all fucking day. I’m sure I have a few others such as obsessive, I mean I can be a bit OCD when it comes to gathering information… Or my art. So I can look at myself and realize those things. Also “dissociative” and or “depersonalization” are more recent because I can not relate to what is happening to me anymore.

I just don’t see how you just wake up one day like this. 

I mean you read Psych 101 and you will always kind of be like well Yea I have anxiety, or Yea I act like this when I’m mad… Or I do this or that sometimes. Whatever you resonate with. But all in all you’re fine and you go about your life. I mean none of this really popped up for me until last year and my life came to a screeching halt.

This Entity that is supposedly my “subconscious” is ABUSIVE…. Seriously its like being in an abusive relationship you can’t get out of. And I’m not one to stick around for that kinda shit. I’ve shadow worked, atoned for my relationships, I’ve questioned myself, I’ve truly looked at it from every angle possible. And have not found any true reason or justification for this Entities presence or being subjugated to this experience.

But alas I will observe.

But I will also fight. 

Power of Thought (who’s?)

So…… As I’ve made my world smaller and smaller….. Eliminating any possibility for misunderstanding, for manipulation. I created a safety net over the interweb via forums, youtube, blog (❤), netflix and a hand full of apps (for the distraction).

As the entity “turns down” in presumable volume (don’t smoke weed unless you want the alien turn up), I find again that nagging negativity. Something as simple as negative feelings towards people in forums (with no real reason…. a “I don’t like your face” feeling) or being steered from reading or listening to things I find interesting. Say for instance studying dimensions…. I saw a video I found interesting (me) clicked on it and then instantly became tired (not me). But some how have the energy to write this post. I understand the subtle ways in which this entity tries to mess with me…. Can’t say I catch all of them… Food and cigs seem normal…. But the thought pattern does not. This goes the same for many other “streams of thought”. And I get to end of it and I’m like HUH?!

While this Entity makes fun of me for not being able to go to school/ finishing school. I am unable to engage in my areas of interest let alone some boring text book.

Stuck in this meditative state….. A walking coma.

Its very obvious but to what extent?

If this was some pseudo psychological shadow work bla bla bla, then why would my mind (shadow self) have the power to make me feel fake sleepy? How do you turn it off?

If this is about the power of thought of the mind, why am I unable to insight the same sensations (local buzz, burn, breeze, emotions ect) or even counter act it? 

Defeminization 

So I realized I guess today …. Tonight…. That this entity defeminized me through a mixture of ways. 

  1. I Am Isis
  2. Child abuse
  3. Cutting my hair
  4. Gaining weight from stress
  5. Numbing

My spiritual naivity made it easy to suck me into its game…. By first testing super imposing (audio) over what other people said. Because I wouldn’t respond to it…. That made it easy to slip into the idea of Telepathy because I was too scared to say “Hey, I feel like I’m hearing you saying this in your mind”. That is why it needed to keep me away from my Ex.

It TOLD/forced me to call myself Isis (the divine mother archetype) so that it could lure me into the storyline (through separation from my ex twin flame) and then “giving it away” to a much prettier woman. Or insinuating i was becoming Osiris. It started telling me I didn’t know how to act like a lady. Forcing me to sit up straight, and cross my legs through “energy”. Often I felt choked, harnessed or collarded into sitting up straighter than normal. But I wasn’t opposed to having good posture….. But being controlled. 

I had always identified as a tomboy or two spirited as I had a hard time relating to societies social standards for women. It was my way of finding comfort by rejecting it. I was OK with that. But I soon understood I did not totally understand what it was to BE a man really. And while I used the tomboy/ two spirited identy as a crutch towards understanding I can be female…. Feminine and still not fit the mold. I slowly found my own brand of feminity that I was comfortable with and appreciated. Not because society or a partner or some entity forced me. But because I just was.

This included my the notion to be a mother. I never thought about having children because I was in a Queer relationship and I have PCOS (which can make it difficult to conceive). So it just was never on my agenda. After my best friend gave birth (to my godson), of course it came to mind. I mean the CHEEKS…. I am a sucker for pudgy droopy baby cheeks. And this was my first time feeling love and care for a child. I had to take care of him as a new born because my best friend was in the hospital for a month from heart failure and the father bailed after she found out he was trying to find dates while she was in the hospital. This was the first time I ever care for and fell in love with a baby. But my main priority is that he had a mother and and that she was good… She is one of my closest friends. So she soon got better and and did her mom thing (she was staying with me through the pregnancy because she had to quit her job close to the due date) and I tried to help out since the father bailed. Soon after my lease was up and we had to go our separate ways. But I we always hung out like every other weekend …. And I would watch my Godson if she was short on cash for a daycare. And just due normal aunty duties like birthdays and Xmas gifts. I was content with that.

I can’t say that having one of my own didn’t cross my mind. I loved him and even though he was rambunctious it wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be but I also understood that the day to day mother routine can get the best of you. I know my BFF wanted to pull he hair out sometimes as a single mother which is why I would offer her a day off. 

I also worked with youth at an after school internship and found value in that. Just making learning fun. But when this entity attacked …. I could no longer engage in my work and mission as well as with my Godson (or best friend because I don’t think she will understand and I don’t want her to) whom I miss so much. I miss them both. And I miss the community in worked with (entity forced me to quit saying to sign my resignation all day and acting like my boss). And at least trying to make the world better…. Even if it is one life… Or for a moment… Or one place.

Once this entity attacked in 2016 it forced me to cut of my hair …. By telling me to …. Because it said I was going to have cancer anyway. So I buzz cut it…. Cause I just wanted it to stop and go away. Then it went on and would say I looked like a man…. Or ugly or a dyke, or I look like a child molestor now. And so forth every fowl name you can think of. I didn’t want to look in the mirror NOT because I thought of myself as ugly but because I was tired of hearing this entity say all these crazy things as I looked at my reflection.

Some one who wanted nothing more than the safety and celebration of generations…. I just don’t see how this happened. Being called a child molestor ALL DAY and working with youth does not mix well. And I quit my job hoping the nightmare with this entity would stop. The entity first said I was enduring this to become a mother with my ex twin flame. I rejected it. I was like its fine…. I won’t be a mother I guess you can stop this child molestation game. Quitting my job and rejecting this (false) “offer”. Didn’t help it go away.

It continued…. And still says “you will never be a mother” and compares my taking care of my twin sister who had a stroke to motherhood saying “still doesn’t make you a mother”. I in no way thought that taking care of my sister makes me a mother. I just pulled on all of my strength… To assist through my own difficult time and to deal with the emotions of seeing my sister unable to take care of herself. I also had to learn to step back as she is an adult as well and hates to be told what to do (I guess we are the same in that regard). 

After quitting my job I had to force myself out of the love spell this entity put over me for my ex (twin flame). The entity showed me images of him with other women, mimicked his voice as he degraded me all day. I soon came to realize that it wasn’t my ex …. And still till this day the entity tries to convince me it is my ex or for the reconciliation between my ex and I that it tortures me all day.

I no longer felt like myself, looked like myself. I didn’t feel pretty not the outside but the inside. Getting dressed up for a date took all of my energy. I didn’t enjoy the things that made me me. I ate too much to cope. Smoked to much to “calm down”. My once bleeding heart became numb because I could no longer allow my emotions or mind to be manipulated by this entity. And I’m still looking for the logic here.

My own brand of femininity and self acceptance was compromised. Destroyed. 

And I only hope ……… I can heal yet again. 

Watch “Shadow Work Explained – Jungian Psychology – Carl Jung”

Take the best, leave the rest.

Soooooooooooooooo……….. 

A lot came up for me while watching this. She actually talks about it in a clean non confusing or mysterious kind of way. So a lot came up in terms of what I have gone through in the last year. Which was of the opposite. More than I can really explain yet I understand for myself for the most part ….. BUT what I found is that I still have distortions.

Major major distortions (distorted memories) and a voice to “narrate” them….. Not as feel them but almost as perceived outside of me.

I don’t want to make this post about how this is not me…. And I’m not this or that. (Got enough of those)

But there is a distortion in my experience that seems beyond my “repressions”. Yes I think child molestors/ pedaphiles are scary and the scum of the earth. Yes I got that from an early age when I didn’t understand. And yes I can also have compassion for them. So if we want to put it in a nice neat box my fear of child molestors got me called a child molestor by some voice in my head dragging me through a nightmare of a child molestor world, to the point I don’t even want to hear the words ever again let alone for it even to exist.

That’s the neat version.

The not so neat version is the “distortion”, that’s the best way I can discribe it. The fact that I have a voice that overlays/ super imposses over what people say… That almost picks and chooses what it wants to play….. Accompanied by false feelings/ sensations and memory distortion….. Still has me wonder wtf?

So for instance; a memory that was distorted. Was that (maybe two years prior) one of my interns came back the next year and I noticed he looked different (as I do with a lot of people). A lot of interns come back with growth spurts or hair cuts or loosing weight. But either way it was a simple wow he looks different. The memory was then distorted to make it seem as if I was attracted to him in a sexual way. And used it for guilt and shame for days to the point i almost believed it. I would have believed accepted anything to make it go away. But I wasn’t I had just noticed something different. This doesn’t mean that finding young people cute, pretty or handsome is wrong. In fact we are taught that when we are young because adults tell us that. This same voice/ entity tried to make other people in my life that i love and respect out to be pedophiles through “suggestion” including my ex (twin flame). I didn’t believe it but it still scared the shit out of me. 

Its the distortion… That what I’m having a hard time with.

That is just one (or two) examples. There are many many many more of the same topic and different ones. And I have gone over them until exhaustion 😩😩😩😩😩. I don’t know how many different ways I can look at something. 

In a spiritual forum this man said that he has a voice that told him to run his car off the road. Or punch someone in the face…. He didn’t. So the shadow is harm to self and others? That is a lighter version…. I fake punch my sister like mortal combat all day. 

But what the fuck is complicating something so simple?

I am unable to believe that this to my benefit since I have gained 75lb in 6 months, accuired high blood pressure, quit my job, wont see anyone and locked myself in my house unable to take care of myself and barely my sister. Where is the benefit in that?

Yay Shadow!

So anytime I have a fear or repression, this distortion is going to jump in and start acting up? People say keep your thoughts positive. I am more of a worrier/ planner (not only for myself but for others), that’s how I stay positive…… But I don’t know how to plan after this. I’m low key afraid to work with youth now cause I don’t want this shit to happen ever again. And clearly it doesn’t matter cause world is filled with children.

When I was younger maybe a teen j was looking through a book of mythology and found a name of a goddess that was close to mine named Hathor. She was the protector of women and children and when she saw that the men were taking advantage she went into a bloody rage and the only thing that calmed her down is by them tricking her to drink blood from a river that was really wine. 

I held that story with me, to protect women and children. I wasn’t trying to be a super hero, but I was just something that stuck with me. Most of my work in the community focused on the advocacy of woman and youth. So to have the opposite happen through some distorted and dillusion factor….. Has broken me down.

I actually wanted to keep this short. But I guess not.