This Entity Experience

This experience is/was such a waste of my time, life, money and relationships.

Like this mutha fuka comes stepping in and because I didn’t know any better I lost 2+ years of my life I worked so hard for.

Coming out of being a homeless youth…. Trying build a career and pay my bills…. Trying to do what’s right….. All to end up 100lb heavier, laying in my parents house with some disgusting demonic Entity that won’t shut the fuck up.

Shit is so fucked up.

Like how much love and light is one suppose to cultivate while you are being shown visions of child abuse? 

I was all sunshine before this shit popped up out of nowhere.

So fucked up. Its like it doesn’t even matter how much you try. How good you try to treat people or improve yourself.

Some Entity fucker is gonna come in and wreck your shit for eternal shits and giggles.

As much as I try to have patience …. I’m loosing it. And its making me even more upset when I read about other folks being spiritually attacked. And even MORE upset with everyone running around trying to make money off of something that they barely understand. Least not enough to get rid of mine.

So over this bullshit. I’m tired of this Entities voice, I’m tired of its games, I’m tired of its sick twisted thoughts, I’m tired of it physically abusing me (black outs, energetic rape), I’m tired of its opinions, I’m tired of its visions, I’m tired of people who don’t know what the fick they are talking about, I’m tired.

I’m tired of fucking sleeping and not seeing the light of day.

Its bullshit. Its all fucking bullshit.

Shit needs to go back where ever the fuck it came from. 

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More People

I’m finding more and more people who are having the same experience as myself. And it just seems crazy that we ALL happen to have the same symptoms.

His was brief but description was to a T what I experience almost everyday.

So what’s really going on?

No one has answers or remedies on the entire planet?

I been to all of the healers…. So what’s good?

Horoscope

This week encourages you to retrieve the information that keeps your creative engines humming.

This week circles around to what you were working on during eclipse season. It brings you back to the scene in question. Wants you to review a chapter’s worth of information. Wants you to reclaim any energy stolen from any character, plot line or twist in your tale.

Retrieving, recovering, and proclaiming your passion is this week’s mission. Notice what old stories are resurfacing for you right now. About validation that you were denied, about appreciation that never came your way, and about you curtailing of your own confidence.

Get to the bottom of what inhibits the flow of your creative energy. Get to know the voices that tell you not to take up space. Get to know the different aspects of how your creativity needs to fill the room. Be it pleasing or disturbing. Alluring or repulsive. Glorious or gruesome. Or all of the above. Dedicate this week to validating the unique ways in which your creativity wants to make itself manifest, especially in the ways you have been taught to reject. So often we throw out the best of what we have because we misunderstand it. Understanding your misunderstandings will lead you towards your creative genius with great speed.

Watch “Shadow Work Explained – Jungian Psychology – Carl Jung”

Take the best, leave the rest.

Soooooooooooooooo………..

A lot came up for me while watching this. She actually talks about it in a clean non confusing or mysterious kind of way. So a lot came up in terms of what I have gone through in the last year. Which was of the opposite. More than I can really explain yet I understand for myself for the most part ….. BUT what I found is that I still have distortions.

Major major distortions (distorted memories) and a voice to “narrate” them….. Not as feel them but almost as perceived outside of me.

I don’t want to make this post about how this is not me…. And I’m not this or that. (Got enough of those)

But there is a distortion in my experience that seems beyond my “repressions”. Yes I think child molestors/ pedaphiles are scary and the scum of the earth. Yes I got that from an early age when I didn’t understand. And yes I can also have compassion for them. So if we want to put it in a nice neat box my fear of child molestors got me called a child molestor by some voice in my head dragging me through a nightmare of a child molestor world, to the point I don’t even want to hear the words ever again let alone for it even to exist.

That’s the neat version.

The not so neat version is the “distortion”, that’s the best way I can discribe it. The fact that I have a voice that overlays/ super imposses over what people say… That almost picks and chooses what it wants to play….. Accompanied by false feelings/ sensations and memory distortion….. Still has me wonder wtf?

So for instance; a memory that was distorted. Was that (maybe two years prior) one of my interns came back the next year and I noticed he looked different (as I do with a lot of people). A lot of interns come back with growth spurts or hair cuts or loosing weight. But either way it was a simple wow he looks different. The memory was then distorted to make it seem as if I was attracted to him in a sexual way. And used it for guilt and shame for days to the point i almost believed it. I would have believed accepted anything to make it go away. But I wasn’t I had just noticed something different. This doesn’t mean that finding young people cute, pretty or handsome is wrong. In fact we are taught that when we are young because adults tell us that. This same voice/ entity tried to make other people in my life that i love and respect out to be pedophiles through “suggestion” including my ex (twin flame). I didn’t believe it but it still scared the shit out of me.

Its the distortion… That what I’m having a hard time with.

That is just one (or two) examples. There are many many many more of the same topic and different ones. And I have gone over them until exhaustion 😩😩😩😩😩. I don’t know how many different ways I can look at something.

In a spiritual forum this man said that he has a voice that told him to run his car off the road. Or punch someone in the face…. He didn’t. So the shadow is harm to self and others? That is a lighter version…. I fake punch my sister like mortal combat all day.

But what the fuck is complicating something so simple?

I am unable to believe that this to my benefit since I have gained 75lb in 6 months, accuired high blood pressure, quit my job, wont see anyone and locked myself in my house unable to take care of myself and barely my sister. Where is the benefit in that?

Yay Shadow!

So anytime I have a fear or repression, this distortion is going to jump in and start acting up? People say keep your thoughts positive. I am more of a worrier/ planner (not only for myself but for others), that’s how I stay positive…… But I don’t know how to plan after this. I’m low key afraid to work with youth now cause I don’t want this shit to happen ever again. And clearly it doesn’t matter cause world is filled with children.

When I was younger maybe a teen j was looking through a book of mythology and found a name of a goddess that was close to mine named Hathor. She was the protector of women and children and when she saw that the men were taking advantage she went into a bloody rage and the only thing that calmed her down is by them tricking her to drink blood from a river that was really wine.

I held that story with me, to protect women and children. I wasn’t trying to be a super hero, but I was just something that stuck with me. Most of my work in the community focused on the advocacy of woman and youth. So to have the opposite happen through some distorted and dillusion factor….. Has broken me down.

I actually wanted to keep this short. But I guess not.

The Fat Chick

My ex (“twin flame”) false one I guess. But the the Entity that is here ran with the title and play. 

Over our short 6 month interaction things got confusing for me. I had never felt so insecure in my life. I questioned it. I tried with all of my might to keep a clear head. But I never that strongly about anything. I had heard that guys test you….. But still. 

I guess the first time is when he went on about how he would try to talk to models at events and that they didn’t want to talk to him. And he model friends. I didn’t sit with me right.

The next was when he avoided hanging out with me for Valentines day…. Or even texting for that matter. And when had texted everyday all day before that. I got upset and finally stopped waiting and called him and he said he was at a bar drinking with a friend. It just seemed odd. So the growing insecurity raised. It was like a month or two and so I dumped him and went out on two date to get the attention that seemed so impossible for him that day. 

Soon after I missed him. I didn’t know why. I had made him a really awesome low key gift with a nice jar filled with honey from the farm I worked at since he only drank tea. I thought about him. And maybe I thought I over reacted about a holiday. So I contacted him to make a mends.

While I was in the bathroom I heard loud and clear, “you’re jot going to tell him about the rasta?”. No. Lol. But I didn’t know who said it or why. I just sat there on the toilet like WTF. I later became acquainted with the Entity as seen in this blog. 

It was a bunch of little things here and there piling up in very short periods of time. Like when I checked his Facebook and saw one of his friends refer and ask if it was “tinder?” Girl referring to me under a video of a girl loosing her mind on the train (I hadn’t lost it by then). Then his friends would make fun of fat people on his page. But then he told me father was a “fat shamer”. 

In the middle of us see each other he had missed my birthday. And then I had seen this app called happn advertised on Facebook and looked to see what it was and there was a review he made for it a few days after my birthday. I told him. I made a pack to keep my cool ever since the valentine situation. He then asked “well why were you looking at it” and then changed his settings. So I could not see his Google reviews. I wasn’t even looking, Hus a the first to pop up since we were friends on hang outs. 

Then I remember him saying he would bring me to a game or gym. But then he got wierded out and said it was a “sanctuary” for him only to find out later that his ex girlfriend went there too. 

I felt like all we did was have sex and I wasn’t use to that. He tried to take me to a few bars didn’t seem too excited about it. More obligational to prove something that he “wasn’t afraid to be seen with me in public”. But even then i saw him checking out girls in the bar which was awkward and his mood would change. I understood he had a night job and gym and stuff which was important. But I still could not shake it.

On my ex’s birthday the Entity kept trying to convince me to tell him I loved him but it wasn’t time. The Entity went so as far as to to whisper it sounding like my ex was trying to tell me through a whisper or “telepathically”. 

And that’s where I really fucked up.

I believed it. 

It was like all my years of building self confidence went down the drain.

I was super confused and I needed to focus on my job for a couple of weeks and asked him for a break at which point he said we might as well break up. So I diligently accomplished my goals at work. Forced myself not to speak to him for two weeks to detox and hoped to come back with a clear mind. It wasn’t easy. I even told my friend so I would keep myself busy. Once everything at my job was set, I finally contacted him but he waited days before contacting me back and it was right before I was going on a date.

The date was cool. We made out. But I contacted my ex after only to find that he had moved on. 

I didn’t understand why I was feeling like this. It was gross. I gave myself a few months to just feel the feels. But I was obsessed with trying to find out why I felt drawn to someone who treated me like eh just aight.

I contacted him again. We hung out. I had hoped we would work things out and build honesty but everything went south.

I just kept asking myself, “why do I feel like this?” Over and over. I did a forget him spell on myself (didn’t work). Nothing worked. Therapy, throughing myself into my job, dating, fucking, working out. Nothing.

I saw that he had a a few memes on his face book making fun of fat women. Even one where he wrote “first rule of squad is always to accept a challenge” meaning date a fat girl. I saw that he was in a pretty sad group called “I heart chubbies”, and recently guessed that one of his friends put him in that group as a joke. 

It wasn’t until 2016 when things got wild. The Entity posses itself as telepathy between my ex and I foretelling a doing he would send me and the few times he would call. I just wanted to be over him. But the “storyline” this Entity drew up was captivating. The “twin flame” story line that I had to give it all up for my ex… To win him back…… Even my life.

That’s where things took a sharp nose dive into hell.

I guess I got my answer.

This man….. made me insecure enough, vulnerable enough for this Entity to hide behind and try and take not only my lively hood …. But my life. 

I try not to blame my ex too much. I have my own part in being naive on soooooo many fucking levels. I never would have guessed it could be this bad, just from dating a guy or that demons really actually do exist.

And now my ex is prolly chillin fucking the next chick while I’m sitting here being raped every night by some demon.

Shit sucks. 

Gotta have Faith

I realized that I am the same 5 year old girl who asked her grandmother “Why did all the religions seem the same?” (After learning about the 3 major ones in school)

Only that has broadened…. Widened …. Maybe deepened. 

My grandmothers response was, “You shouldn’t ask those questions……. You just gotta have faith.”

I’m the same little girl that wanted to save the planet and do good. I’ve had some hard times ….. This has been the worse….. But my heart remains with my people and their safety and unity. 

Well I asked those question. Things I can’t comprehend, like war, violence, division, greed. 

I questioned the war with in me. The one that whispered his name all night, and the part of me that could not understand why. Maybe I found the answer, that only leads to more questions. 

Or maybe just knowing that there is truly something beyond me that lurked, influenced, forced, perverted actually exists. The unseen ….. And unknown. 

But the only part that has gotten me through is the latter, “just gotta have faith.”

Keeping it simple when I was being bombarded with information. When my words to my own prayers were being twisted right before me.

I learned to hold it to in my heart. My prayer.

Can Monkey Mind help you?

So I’m kinda of a many truths, all over the map kinda gal.

I would make task lists, and task lists for my task lists, listening to my favorite tracks and balancing a budget. I saw it as multi tasker.

Once this all happened two years ago…. I pretty much ran all over the place, to every belief system looking for answers…. I found many …. With out any real remedies. 

My personal “monkey mind”, observed and concluded and searched and concluded …. And searched again….

I am making the distinction between my monkey mind and the monkey mind of the Entity. In a way I had to become more “monkey minded” to deflect the bullshit in order to keep up.

Iean the entity literally never shuts up. Its actually kinda sad. But I know for a fact it can…. Since it has been here long enough, so that was a choice made.

Having a “monkey mind”…. Help me realize a lot of bullshit. It feels crazy, intense, exhausting….. But it helped me quickly place together what was not and has yet to add up in all of this bullshit.

I channeled some of monkey mind even into this blog….. Because it was just a lot. It still is.

But we can use the monkey mind to quickly understand something. Its just about when and how to turn it off.

I often wo der what it will feel like to not have to respond to an Entity all day. To not feel thoughts being pressed into my head that are not mine. When the Entity speaks it is often times painful. Not only the subject but physically. 

I have faith.  

Doreen Virtue denounces Angel Tarot

Apparently she has denounced her brand of 1111 angel numbers and tarot cards because she feels they are demonic and has moved on to Christianity with a set of inspirational cards you can view on her Instagram. 

I’m unsure what what motivated her. But I will say “If you see Buddha on the road kill him”, for me this statement personally resonates as the images/ visions our mind recieves from …… God knows where…. Is not actually Buddha, or Angels, or Jesus, or God, or your grandma, and more than like not even Satan.

We seek to find ways in which to describe these experiences, validate them…. So I can thank Doreen for that. I did not read about it and then it happened…. It happened and I looked for answers. She had one.

My only thing is that hmm. . . how do I put this. We can learn a lot from Jesus, just as we can from Buddha teachings. But often something comes in to pervert the message.

So having these Jesus based cards and people not understand what it means in all clarity to understand the teachings of Jesus. Is uhm…. Well… It can be misinforming. First of all the images of Jesus are white so right there that’s a lie…. Geographically speaking.

I want to believe in the innocence of simple teachings, mantras, but it seems these “demons” or whatever are infiltration anything they can get their hands on. 

Its sad. 

So I keep it simple. I believe in God. 

Shadow Work (pt3)

Maybe an unpopular opinion, but I realized that my “shadow self” isn’t necessarily the voice that I hear but my response to it. 

My response has been:

  • Naivety
  • Sleeping a lot
  • “Depression” and irritability
  • Sarcasm
  • Eating a lot
  • Truth seeking and telling
  • Brave in my own way 
  • Caring for others who are experience the same.

The themes seem facilitated by something outside of me the “entity”. My response which is really the opposite of what I know myself to be (maybe not the last 3). But I think you get the point.