How do you talk about invisible abuse? Much like all abusers they silence you, keep up a facade and make you look crazy or weak.
While I was working with homeowners during era of abusive mortgage lending practices. We didn’t have a name for it but they all knew their pain, all had the same symptoms. They all had a look on their face, seeing 20, 30, 50+ years of homeownership washed away. We couldn’t name the abusers because everyone’s hand was in the pot. And they had flipped the loan so many times often they were paying the wrong services. This abuse was silent for years, if not a decade. It took hours of storytelling and unraveling tears and trying to make sense do just the tiniest bit of change to come about.
It’s not fair that I can not take my abuser to court. I can not find my own justice because I can not touch an Entity…..a demon. I get labeled as crazy and schizo and given meds that make high and feel like death. Because what I experience “isn’t real”. I’m suppose to take accountability for “allowing the demon in my life”, because I didn’t do enough salt baths, I didn’t eat properly, I didn’t put a bubble of white light around me, I didn’t pray enough, wasn’t Christian enough. And that’s the excuse for abuse…… for spiritual abuse……
Then I go to someone…….a healer in hopes they can name my pain. That someone actually believes me…..relieve me. And often I was met with prices that superseded any church, or anything I’ve ever spent money on. And was told to take my meds and I wasn’t doing “something enough”.
I’m still getting tortured still getting raped. Still being fucked with. Not because I haven’t taken enough salt baths, not because I didn’t try the meds, not because I didn’t gain my “authority” and tell this demon to leave, not because I didn’t pray enough or trust enough….. but because this has yet to be truly named.
I have yet to identify my abuser. Just Mr. Entity that can sound like a guy or girl and look like anything. I have yet to say what this truly is because each sect approaches it differently.
I can see, but I can not see how this all happens. And why me? Or anyone else for that matter.
“Take everything as a lesson!?!?!” Really that’s what you tell someone reliving rape over and over and over again? A lesson? Where’s the lesson for the rapist? Why must the victim always show compassion be the bigger person?
This is spiritual abuse!!!!!!
It wasn’t my fault I got raped! Why do I have to fucking relive it!?
I know how my mind function! This is not me! Saying “that’s your mind” is an excuse and a cop out to uncover some really scary shit! And I live it every fucking day! While trying to keep my shit together!
I just try to ignore the rape now, that’s how common it is. But I can’t.
I’m just tired.