Dark Web

A friend had inquired about the “dark web” on Facebook and people began to describe it. Someone said that you can use bitcoin to watch someone get killed. 

Sometimes I wonder if someone is doing something to me. I mean there is “radio” like sounds coming from my head, and next and vag. So I don’t know maybe someone has extreme technology to do this to someone.

As I said there seems to be a main “one” that kind of orchestrates the distant scream bubbles, the two talking on the TV, or a “set” which is like almost being submerged in an environment.

I thought if it is possible someone could do this to someone. Maybe I could find out how, and get my life back. 

I don’t know. I would like to think humans are better than doing something like this….. But then realized after reading the comments about the dark web…. That they are not.

I just don’t know. I just want it gone.

Just thinking. Which seems to work against me at times, because this Entity uses it for a story at a later time for its own entertainment. 

Clearing Energy

While the “energy” in my throat seems to have cleared. That means when I recorded it there were no radio static or blips. Also when I apply pressure I don’t feel the release as much. Also the strange rash that developed at the base of my neck cleared up. 

My vagina has not had the same affect. I felt the buzz and decided to record both areas but only had radio static sound in my vag. It only comes out when i record it, I don’t actually hear it myself. I didn’t try the top of my head, even tho its still kinda tense right now. 

Vagina is super curse. So lame. 😩😩😩

Why do I have radio sounds coming from my vagina?

Its like its crazy, but then I have all these confirmations that its outside or beyond me.

😯 Could you love a rapist?

(This was a question that a friend posed on Facebook)

————-⚠TRIGGER WARNING ⚠————

I’m trying to embrace the topic of child abuse. Be honest with you, anytime it came up on my Facebook timeline I just scrolled real fast over it. 

I didnt want to think about it. I don’t… I still don’t. It’s gross and scary. I don’t like it. Its triggering. And with all of that prior to this experience…. Then having an Entity psychically rape me and call me a child molestor at the same time is uhm… Well I had to sort things out for myself and know who I am.

Brief Back Story: (YES AGAIN) I was like 10 or 12 went to a sleep over. Felt some type way about my friend father coming into the room (didn’t live with men in the house, just my twin and mom at the time). I told my mom. My mom then later brought me in a room with my grand parents and told me to tell them. I did and they all stared at each other and it scared me. And then my grandpa blurted out “ya father molested you!”. So I just cried. I didn’t know what it was but clearly it was bad. No one really explained to me what it was, I just knew it was bad. Sometime later (I have no idea how long), I saw the introduction for Date Line special saying the Children who were molested were more likely to become child molestors. And it was about this young boy who was one. So that SCARED the shit out of me and upset me because I didn’t want to be something bad.

Sometime later I woke up from a bad dream and my mom told me to talk to someone on the phone and it was my dad. And he said he never did anything to me and he missed us and something about sand castles (it was 10 years of never speaking). I just went back to bed. 

My father came back into my life and assured me nothing ever happened. My parents quickly got married soon after. They were happy and I was left in angst in trying to accept my father for not being there. I also had to act different because a man was in the house now. … And we moved… It was a lot of change. But I try not to hold on to things too much. I accepted my dad… But my parents ultimately didn’t accept me being queer so they kicked me out right after high school.

When this whole “you’re a child molester” Entity popped up. I honestly for some reason thought it ment my father had did something to me. But I tried to push down this fear that my family was lying to me and trust. My father is a good father. To me “normal” family shit. I worked hard to rebuild our relationship…. One where he hopefully didnt feel like he needed to make up for anything. A friendship.

When this Entity came up again, first with the Goddess Isis and twin flame ex bullshit (which is through out this blog) only to GO RIGHT BACK to the “you’re a child molester”, I know I never in my life hurt a child or even thought about it so….. I thought maybe something did happen to me. I went to some bullshit akashic record psychic lady and she said it did happen only she said it was my dad AND MOM. I’m like Huh?!? So I was upset, but I knew that was impossible. So.

The Entity started saying “You should be GLAD you were molested!” During the thick of my delusions at my job around children. And I was freaking out. So……. I mean the only reason this ever came up again for me was this Entity. Other wise I had made my peace.

 When the Entity said that I got on my knees and prayed to God, for my father, for all the men in the world. I prayed so hard for them to see. Every thought about this subject I kept trying to “give it to the angels” cause not only was I presented with this difficult subject, my body was going haywire and my life was spiraling downward (as stated in this blog).

In a way. While I was foretunate to never had been sexually abused as a child…. It is an issue I still had to manage and wade through. Its a trigger. Whether or not I was or wasn’t ….. Its a terrible thing that we have allowed to permeate in our culture. Which leads to the abduction and death of our children. And I think most will agree. And I am sad that my Dad was accused, and even had to think about and kept away from his kids. Me. 

Unfortunately, I can’t look away as much as I want to and in the same breath I am rendered helpless because there is really nothing I can do about it. Currently. 

Often this subject is link to the LBGT community as most think homosexuality and trangenderism is a mental illness. And because this is linked to sexuality. The freedom for two consenting adults or two consenting young people to love each other, or someone who wants to express their gender in whatever way, is very different than an adult preying on a child, raping or positioning themselves in a place of authority to do so. Its more in the feild of serial killers, sociopaths, racism/ imperialism, and good old fashion patriarchy. It is meant to bring harm to another, while being self serving and self gratifying.

Linking pedophiles to the LGBT community makes no sense.

People are like “oh no if you let LGBT people have rights, then so will pedophiles.”. Honestly pedophiles have more rights than than LGBT which is…………. Insane now that I think of it. Kinda just hit me. Young children are unconsentingly forced to marry some adult…. While LGBT folks can barely walk down the street. Our culture in general supports this behavior as well. (Which I’m not ready to jump down the rabbit hole of culture just yet).

But the question is can you love and accept a rapist and pedophile. 

Sadly MY answer is No. I can have compassion for them. I can hope that they one day they see that they are ripping a young persons childhood away. I can hope that one day they will understand what consent ACTUALLY is. I can hope that they understand the physical and psychological pain that they have brought on someone else. I can hope they understand how they have been a vessle for demons to play them and the people around them. I can hope that they realize all of this and become new in mind and spirit. 

But how? This is work that needs to be done. But will not happen in this blog. I don’t need to have the answers. Now.

I have no interest in talking to the guy who raped me (even though he contacted me a year or two later to be on some hi how are you shit and harassing me).

But I don’t have to love them, and I definely will never accept this. And I hope that we can do more in our culture and world to change this. So that our children (even though I may never have any) can walk down the street with out fear, play and create a better world than the one we gave them.

Its triggering, it hurts, no one really wants to think about it because its painful, but how do we protect our children? How do we bring this to light and stop looking away in shame?

 

Here is what I DON’T get….

So we are humans…. With a capacity for a wide range of emotions….. Some indescribable…. And if you are creative… Maybe you paint them, write a song, a book, dance them…. whatever…. 

You say that we are born here with this capacity…. And then told, that if you mourn the death of a loved one or watch a scary movie (anything sad or scary, or whatever you deem a negative emotion) you are inviting …. Handing over your life to some Dark Entity to feed off of? 

The fuck?

First of all some of ya’ll need to understand these things feed off your ignorance mostly. 

The “child hood fears” and “shadow work” is just the icing on the big ol’ ignorance cake, cause most of y’all don’t even know what the fuck this shit is.

Channeling this and invoking that. Is just playing make believe with these things. 

Now I’m suppose to be afraid to feel sad because some asshole demon monster alien is going to drink my tears out of a sippy cup?

Be numb? Afraid to express myself?!? 

Nope. Shits fuck up. I’m not with this program.

Being “positive” doesn’t mean we don’t feel sadness or anger. I think even putting ourselves in these traps of what TO do and NOT to do …. To create hierarchy…. And missing the focal point completely. 

πŸ‘‘ Your Crown πŸ‘‘

In the beginning of all of this. 

After I took the cleansing bath. 

The “Entity” said A LOT of things. I mean it still does. And I am usually sitting here with my head cocked to the side like HUH?!. 

Still trying to learn to ignore it because none of it means anything and even it it HAPPENS to make some sense by some mere coincidence…. Oh fucking well. Nothing was worth this experience and it was a waste of my life and time. 

πŸ‘‘ I was fresh out the break up in the summer of 2015, living with a friend, trying to keep my shit together. I was making sure to go to the gym more since I was bored and wasn’t biking to work as much. 

I remember this moment on the treadmill that I felt my head or what people would refer to as the “crown chakra” feeling it was “opening up”. I was a little worried. I had these strange “gong” headaches i even went to the doctor for, but everything came back normal. I was also worried that the IUD that I had gotten for extra protection with my ex was causing my blood pressure to rise and I went into Google Doctor mode to make sure. So I later got the IUD removed (as much as the doctors tried to convince me to leave it in). 

So this feeling on the skull that was just like my head was wide open. As I was on the treadmill had me a bit concerned. But I just went along and was pushing myself physically to stay healthy for my job.

In 2016 fell into the episode, delusion …. This “Entity” had already laid the grown work, prepped and groomed me. Already had attached this story line to my ex as my “twin flame“. As telepathy, the perfect cover. 

I was at my job and the “Entity” said in the voice of my ex, “Remember who gave you your crown.”

I had looked up why my head would be feeling like this. “Soul Star Chakra“…. “Halo / Crown”, ect… So many explanations. This Entity acting as my ex (“twin flame”) wanted to say he gave me all these things “crown” before being “initiated” and eventually “married” to my ex. This Entity wanted to “give” me all these illusions or hopes or whatever so it could take it away. And quickly put on what felt like an energetic “harness” to make me sit up straight and “act like a lady”.  

Another moment at my job, the Entity said, “she needs a new vessel.” Meaning, my soul, spirit needed to be in another body for my ex to love me. (Crazy shit I know.) But again this was grooming for the suicide it tried to force me into. Said I needed to, “Die for (my ex’s name) by means of child molestion”. So it was going to keep showing me sick images until I committed suicide. 

But things were sick, abusive, it didn’t stop…. It was constant…. It was crazy…. Scary…. Debilitating.

In retrospect, I realized that my crown wasn’t being given, but being taken away, or blocked as my life became extremely instable. 

I can’t say where it exactly began. But I know where thing got crazy. Which was 2016. Right after questioning and trying to stop this obsession with my ex that I did not feel connected to. 

I know I tried my hardest in all of this. Peeling back any delusions. And I will continue to try to resolve this in the best ways I know how. That’s all I got, with all I know.

But no this “entity” never gave me anything. Never will. Just some tricks and some lies, while it takes what it needs to give it self a reason to stay here. 

3:00 AM AwakeningΒ 

Circadian Rhythm : “Daytime sleep will not compensate for loss of nightly ‘beauty sleep’ as the energy needed for tissue repair is not available during daylight because it is being used elsewhere.” As stated in this one article 

Melatonin is another hormone produced to help us sleep. Secreted by the pineal gland deep in the brain, it helps control body rhythms and sleep-wake cycles.Levels of melatonin rise as the body temperature falls, to encourage feelings of sleepiness. The opposite occurs to wake us up.

In one article they talk about HGH being released during stage 3 sleep. 

Human growth hormone promotes a healthy metabolism, enhances your physical performance, and may even help you live longer.

In normal healthy people, the major period of HGH release occurs during the first period of Stage 3 sleep stage during the night, about an hour after you first fall asleep. Stage 3, also known as deep sleep or slow wave sleep, accounts for about one-quarter of your sleep each night. Deep sleep is the most restorative all stages of sleep. During this stage of sleep, HGH is released and works to restore and rebuild your body and muscles from the stresses of the day.

Stage 3 Sleep

“There are 5 stages to sleep. 1-4 is non REM and REM is what we know as dream state. The body goes though about 4 to 5 cycles (of stages 1-4 + REM) at night. The first sleep cycle takes about 90 minutes. After that, they average between 100 to 120 minutes.

Stages 3 and 4 are referred to as deep sleep, slow wave sleep, or delta sleep. It is very difficult to wake someone from them. In deep sleep, there is no eye movement or muscle activity.

Deep sleep reduces your sleep drive, and provides the most restorative sleep of all the sleep stages. During deep sleep, human growth hormone is released and restores your body and muscles from the stresses of the day. Your immune system restores itself. Much less is known about deep sleep than REM sleep.”

Holistic Tips on Sleeping

————————————————————

So what’s up with awakening and actually awakening you at 3am in the morning?!

So this was sparked for me because this mudda fuka entity keeps waking me up and shits annoying AF!

Again like in the spiritual communities everyone is like “oh if you wake up at 3am all the time means your spirit guides are trying to contact you.” “Oh 3am is a highly spiritual time”. 

Yea, well your bodiless “spirit guide ” picked the wrong time of day to be honest.

I was originally looking for an article that spoke about the hours between 11pm – 5am being the most important for repairing and rejuvenating the body. I assume that deep sleep along with the release of hormones, the body is able to do its thing properly. 

So these spirit entity whatever waking your ass up in the middle of the night so they can say BOO! Is not beneficial to you. You are being cut short of your time to rejuvenate the body and heal. Like if its a “hey how ya doing! I’m gonna look at your record collection over here” cool….  But if this constant haunting of 3:00 am is occurring then all the best. 

Some people are into it. 

I’m not one of them. 

This Entity over here saying that because it keeps randomly waking me up out of my sleep for no reason that “this is why you will never be a mom”. Shit doesn’t add up or make sense. Like if its a kid its a kid. Or even my sister. But this asshole waking me up for no reason other than to call me a fat bitch all day ain’t my cup of tea. 

Fuck 3am too! 

Illusion of Seperation

So!

Do not mistake “the voice with in” for channeling. Do not mistake your magic for the magician.

Often I believe that visuals of how we receive information. Stories, mythology, religious/ spiritual material, what people tell us, anything really.

How we receive this information may not be as intended. I mean the words are there. How its applied or filed in our system is another thing. 

We know our intentions. For the most part. 😞

Yea Yea Yea all is one. Ebb and flow. We effect each other. I get it. 

But in the spiritual community there are A LOT of imagery! We hold on to these in one form or another. 

For instance. “The voice with in” … “Your magic is with in” “contacting your “higher self””.

Why on earth would you be seperared? Fractured? Lost to find pieces of yourself in some dimensional hierarchy. 

What that is saying is that YOU are not perfectly made. Sitting with yourself means talking to yourself or something else… Some other part of you thats just been waiting for you to meditate?

No. 

People out here thinking they connecting with some divine God or Goddess, promise you that’s a big NAH. Promise you it ain’t your loved one that passed on. Anything will step in and give you comfort, meaning, a direction ….. For the mean time.

A lot of these concepts have this underlying tone that YOU …. YOURSELF aren’t able to make decisions for yourself…  Because you are separated. 

And if you think that….. promise something else will step in and start making those decisions or reconciliations for you.

I made that mistake. Not consciously. I wanted to know WHY did I feel different! Not myself! And it was because I wasn’t. I was being prepped, to be taken control of. 

You are not some little whispering voice deep down inside of you. You are not separated from yourself in anyway…. In this sense that the “higher self” is something to obtain through hours of meditation. It is making the best decisions for yourself/others. And being OK with and accountable for that. 

Now I mean for me…. As someone who has an “entity attachment” that has basically said it was every god, goddess, demon, alien, spirit guid, entity, cartoon character, loved ones passed and alive, even my fucking cat….. Anything under the sun. I can see where sitting down and shaking these “entities” off so you breathe and make a decision not based in anxiety. I get it. 

But please do not mistake your own guidence, your own feelings, your own true and whole authentic self….. For anything out here wanting to take control of your life. 

So lets groumd some of these concepts back into reality. Fuck that blue guy crumbling and being “rebirthed”. Fuck that orange and blue twin flame photo about divine love cause love does look like some flaming bird people. Its messy.

Believe me its easy to get caught up in the story. It could be anything. But don’t let anything catch YOU!

Hidden Place

If you can’t tell from the titles of my posts I am a huge music buff. Since all of this hearing screaming and lyrics all being directed toward some instance in my brief relationship with my ex (“twin flame”), I haven’t been able to truly enjoy digging for music as I use to. 

I mean I can listen to anything from trap to classical. 

Either way, right now the entity is at a volume say ….. 15% ish like it turns up on the TV at night when it wants to play. Or does that whole dramatic screaming thing. But the one that is (I think) is projecting all of this nonsense that’s actually attached to me doesn’t want to speak directly much now.

Just drive me insane with these false characters (idk I call them energy bubbles). While it trying to control MY THINKING and response. So it uses these other things as a way to distract me so that it can influence my response.

Same themes. Child abuse, My Ex, (are the most talked about) but also just plain old disgusting sexual stuff, death, illness, racism, threats. 

I mean I can take a dirty joke here or there but SHIT!

So now its in hiding again. 

When I found out it wasn’t God (I mean I knew that but whatever), Jesus, Alien, My EX, shit mother fucker ain’t even important enough to be SATAN.

So when I started asking WHO are you?

WHAT are you?

It started turning down in volume cause it done ran through everyone and I disproved it.

Now it wants to quietly run my show. 

But no fuck that it needs to go back to where ever it came from. It needs to leave.

I wish I would have recorded my body earlier but oh well. Like all this electric noises should not be coming from my head and vagina.

So I want to make sure this thing is GONE no more hiding and waiting after I worked so hard to fuck my life up. 

Nope GONE. 

Coward.

Love Gumβ„’

So I was doing a Ho’ponopono meditation and needed to kinda keep my mind focus so I didn’t black out (because of the Entity), or see anything crazy.

So I didn’t do the “white light” …. Like everyone else but I blew a love bubble around me… No particular color…. But the texture was like gum.

So I kept saying my Ho’ponopono (I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you) as I was prescribed to do. (Can’t hurt). But I decided to make the bubble bigger and bigger, then I visualized me stretching the Love Gumβ„’ in every corner of my house. 

The Entity was doing what it normally does being a negative nelly…… But I just kept my focus on my Love Gumβ„’ spackle and Ho’ponopono. Just the Entity took it a step further this time and started banging on the center of my chest. 

I was startled, more pissed…because it has done all kinda stuff to my body (as you may have read) , but yea the chest is not something that is done often.

So that’s what happened today. Check out the ho’ponopono meditation on YouTube or make your own Love Gum bubble. 😊

🌹 Forgiveness + Understanding πŸƒ

As I said before in a previous post. I didn’t do anything to deserve this. 

Much like people who have “done me wrong”, I try to understand them. I might “demonize” them in the beginning because I need to get out of the situation that doesn’t feel good, but soon at some point my mind tries to figure things out…. What did I do? What did they do? How can I do things differently in the future?

So now I am in a situation, where I hear and feel and see some “entity”….. But I can’t truly prove it (even with recordings someone will say its doctored), I can’t defend myself, and I’ve never truly seen it. Only images/ visions. 

I’ve tried to understand from almost ever perspective. I try to understand why this entity (much like the other people in my life, friends, family, lovers) hurt me. Usually this leads to compassion and letting it go either the issue or the person.

But I truly tried to figure this one out. Why I did this entity attack? What did I do to allow this to happen? What is IT? Why is this happening to so many people all over the planet?

The only thing is that…. I can’t let it go. I don’t know how to. And it will not let me go. And I just lay here waiting for that day….. And wasting my life listening and feeling crazy shit all day.

As much as I would like to say it was past life, or karma, spirit guide, awakening or whatever…. I can’t. Yea the each have been woven into a grand “storyline” to distract me from the main question.

Why did you hurt me?

Each day it makes less and less sense. And I just have to be OK with that. Because it never truly does. 

Update I posted in a forum:

“In forgiveness there must be understanding …. And through compassion from understanding …. Are we able to achieve true forgiveness…. Because we see ourselves in them.”
How to do you heal and forgive in a lie?