Happy 😊

I am choosing to be alone and fight this demon thing on my own. I don’t want to drag anyone into this I don’t want to this thing to jump or place a little fragment of itself in someone else. Also I know for a fact this entity wants to keep me from dating or being with any one else and has worked hard to interfere in my relationships.

I want it gone.

And then I think about the symbiotic relationship between actually engaging joy and not trying to protect it and healing. Because these beings have no body other than my own and are limitless or at least never ending in their chatter.

But the most important relationship is the one with myself which is constantly being intercepted.

Joy for was simple it was seeing people eat the food I spent hours preparing, joy was nothing but me and my baby blue bike getting lost in the outskirts of NYC and having find our way home enjoying the views of new neighborhoods and sunsets with the faint smell of honeysuckles. Joy was being my own personal doctor (google doctor) and gym trainer and cheerleader and telling myself to go that extra mile or learning the intricacies of detoxing the body.

But I can’t do that now. The voice make bets on leading me astray and down the wrong path, down to dates and appointments. Habits. Compulsions. Information. Promises. Everything is a lie.

So there is no time for joy only time for trying to figure out their lies. And if I have a moment of joy …… happiness……. laughter….. I am usually quickly punished with something about my ex, my father, child molestation, my sister dying which are all triggers.

So how do I find or obtain or grow or cultivate joy? Through the pain? Through the disgusting thoughts they shoot at me that enrage me in ways I didn’t know way possible? When I have tried my hardest? Or don’t try at all….. every angle ….. maybe just wait and they a tear come my eyes worried about another year that might past with prayers unanswered. That they will accumulate more and more and I will be no different than most of the other schizophrenics or targeted individuals or spiritually possessed (awakened mediums ect).

I know I must seem like the most womp womp bitch on the planet but I’m not im just being honest and critical about my situation. The situation IS critical . I have hella little monsters attracted to me and flowers all over my body and a snack on my third eye and astral parasites on my tummy that feel like a girdle. So life is 😳 and I’m on day 2 on antipsyche meds and it totally gave me the πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’© in the middle of the night so yea………

so I have to be critical there is a war on my body from almost every angle even myself. But I was trying to heal that.

Rambling………

Joy

I miss joy and veggies.

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Opposite World: “As above So Below” β˜πŸ‘‡

Kundalini is a eastern spiritual concept. Prayer is a western spiritual concept or can be known as meditation. And “shadow work” is a western psychological concept.

So Carl Jungs “Shadow Work identifies the “issue”, where is comes from and the belief that supports it. And the “prayer” or meditation  helps to find I guess a solution or letting go control of it through belief.  For me I take the prayer a step further and put an action with it ….. Which would be a Kundalini “Reversal”.

Schizophenia is like being stuck in mirror world, opposite world, upside down world. It’s like you are constantly met with the opposite, kept from joy that seem like its with reach.

Being the opposite of what you know yourself to be is called “negative symptoms. If you were super motivated and organized …  And one day you wakevup disheveled and depressed. Negative symptom is essentially what you knew yourself as being “taken away”. 

This whole “as above so below” means what? That may be the biggest lie ever. Above where? Below where? We say “On earth as it is in heaven”. I have no idea what heaven is like. So how does that translate to earth? I have no idea what hell is actually like…. But this experience was pretty fucking close.

How do we move out of the limits of this oppression?

My idea of a mirror was that my actual traits would be reflected back to me…. That what I try to bring into the world would be reflected back and actually make a difference. That you do unto others as you would have done unto you because well… We hope that that happens to us too…. But one too many times this did not play out the way I thought it would…. And you move on…. But now I am stuck….

Kinda just bombarded by all that is the world…. But not the beauty the things I wish were changed about the world.

🌹 Ironically enough, I was happier when I was Gay. 🌹

I guess I know why now. 

Hetero world is like being stuffed into a box. Then another box…. And then another. 

I don’t feel appreciated unless I can fulfill a role (ie. Have sex every Tuesday at 8pm until a better option comes along, ie be a wife, cook clean have babies, ie, help whenever you need me). Not for simplying being who I am but who you want me to be. 

I just wasnt use to this in queer relationships.

Every direct question is met with an idk, ignore or some really vague shit that is more than likely diverting. 

It feels strange. 

Unstable. 

But I will always be queer but kinda more straight now ….. But kinda turned off cause I am grossed out and don’t know what’s going on with me or if can trust a partner to NOT dump some new shit on me to deal with. So my orientation is alone. 

For now. 

Sleepy Time Tea 😴

So I have been able to get 8 hours of sleep. BUT I wake up every 2 hours with a dream and these demons talking. 

Only for a few days now. But regular sleep is important. I’m waking up fully at 6am and not 3pm. Which is …. Better. 

I actually hate taking the 8 benadryl but will do so if needed.

I’m trying to retain and guide my body while it doesn’t feel like its under my control. I feel as though I have partial control.

But I’m trying to prepare myself for the detox and going vegan which will be a huge change but not one that I’m not use to.

I also want to stop taking so many benadryl and Tylenol. I mean half the time tylenol doesn’t work but I take it anyway hoping it does.

I know that can’t be good for my body but there are folks taking 10+ medications for schiz alone and not showing the desired results.

I’m sensitive but I have a high threshold for pain. But that threshold has been lowered…. When I am being triggered by a demonic voice, have zero core strength and can barely walk down the block now, a migraine out of this world, and constantly being yanked back once I make any strides. 

Usually if it was just back pain I would focus on that pain… And intuitively adjust it with tools I have researched. But if it was too much I def went to a doctor. 

But yea back pain flaring up… I would do yoga or sleep in fetal position to open up my lower back and just adjust the area of pain. It worked usually. 

Same thing emotionally. With break ups…. Yea I was hurt… I would account for where thing may have gone wrong, move on and try to fix that next time. Maybe even become friend switch the person or send them an apology. I’m not above genuinely apologizing for being fucked up.

But I just can’t do all of that now. I don’t have the mental space. Its just having balls thrown at me constantly. So I just end up getting hit any moment I get healed.

Suicide Squads βœ‹

So like I have a handful of people I met through my schizo group that I tried to help when they were suicidal. … And my cousin and like….. 

I can barely get through today and I am trying to talk people down from going on a suicidal rampage and burning themselves and having nervous break downs…. And I have no one there for me… As always. 

I ignored my cousin…. The suicide rampage one stopped talking to me and the burn dude calmed down. 

I have nothing to give. I feel like I’m dying. It hurts so much I don’t even know if this is the schiz or not anymore. It’s just so intense ….. I can hear my skull cracking from pressure like a sinus infection.

Idk. The only thing that listens is this blog. I don’t care if anyone reads it.

Idk I can barely make it …. Running on empty…. No end in sight…. And like my friend constantly saying he is going to harm himself …. Is like more than I can bare. But I want them to be ok. 
Omg this hurts so much! I don’t know if it hurts more cause I know its fake. 

On Sadness

In every moment of sadness, another layer of outdated cellular memories leaves your energy field.

As each layer is released through spontaneous expressions of doubt, despair, and disappointment, the world is equally cleansed and released from the spell of unconsciousness.

This may help you understand how there is nothing to fear when sadness is present. If anything, knowing the energetic purpose behind such a misunderstood emotion reminds you to slow down and relax your body, so you may see how an experience of sadness has absolutely nothing to do with the circumstances and outcomes that bring it to the surface.

Sadness is your highest transformation being recognised in progress.

No matter how lonely it may seem or how devastating it can feel, sadness acts as the unsuspecting sign that a new reality has dawned within you. As this is accepted, the consuming nature of sadness transforms into the peaceful resolve of self-realisation

This helps to dispel any myth about the location of awakening that many believe exists somewhere beyond the grip of sadness. Instead, Awakening is the natural recognition of your essential nature that unfolds with ease, once the healing power of sadness has been survived.

This may also help you see how in its’ purest form, sadness is not the absence of happiness.

Sadness is actually the clean-up crew of the Universe.

One breakdown at a time, it sweeps every distraction out of your energy field, so the happiness that is always here can be revealed.

SOURCE:

Matt Kahn – http://www.truedivinenature.com

JOIN HERE

In Universal Service β–² Keeper of The Diamond Light Codes

—————-

I use to think like this. Its just now. I’m not sad….. I’m torture …. Tormented. I was OK with how I handled my emotions until I was attacked. Tricked. 

Now I don’t know what I am anymore. I’m angry. 

I’m angry I have no idea what’s going on with my body or how to fix it. 

I would fix my problems…… other people’s problems….. Plan of action – execute…. Hope for the best ….. And do decent. 

But this I don’t know what to do anymore. So I’m angry, frustrated from trying to do my best which will never seem like enough and then sad cause its almost like it doesnt matter.

No good deed goes unpunished“.

Family Ties πŸƒπŸ‘­πŸ‘«πŸƒ

So my sister had an appointment my mom asked me to go with her to. I told my mom a few days ago I would go no problem.

Me minding my own business laying on my bed looking at Facebook. 

My sister: How are you feeling?

Me: Terrible as always. (Which is something I say all the time cause I’m not gonna lie and say everything is fine when its not. When things are actually fine I have no problem updating.)

Sister: Well you don’t have to go, if you know that’s too much for you ect. 

Me: You are RUDE! 

I felt like my sister is NOW using my schizo to try to gain her independence. Which is RUDE! My mom did the same thing thanksgiving. Asked me for DAYS about going to get a TV for her, and the hour before going she says, 

My Mom: Oh you don’t have to go I know crowds are too much for you.

Me: oh now I’m too crazy to go? (Sarcastically)

Mom: I didn’t say that.

Me: I guess you gonna take your husband. Y’all choose each other. 

Dad: “I’m not gonna let my fucking daughter humiliate me into telling what to do. And your mother never called you crazy. 

Me: Perfect example of why people shouldn’t drink (3 pints of Bloody Mary).

So, if my mom wanted my dad to go then don’t step on my back and use my mental illness to get what you want. Same thing with my sister, if my sister wanted to go by herself then fine, dont try to pin this on me and use my mental illness as an excuse. If I didn’t WANT to go to would say NO. It’s pretty simple. My sister doesn’t even notice she has done this before with her other appointments, because she wanted to test herself and go by herself. Just like she started work not being fully healed. 

I told my sister she is a pawn. Cause its like I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t crying, I was totally chillin and you go and fuck up my day because you didn’t want to upset me by me going with you to your appointment. But now I’m upset. 

No one cares when I asked to turn the TVs down….. Or not to stress me out. Or a day off. 

I’m not taking anyone’s shit. They can’t 1. Make decisions for me. Otherwise don’t ask me to do shit. If I tell you I’m gonna do it, then I made a decision. Otherwise dont ask me and make the decision for me, and pick and choose what you want me to do.

Last night I went to the store, cooked baked chicken, purple potatoes, and asparagus with lemon butter sauce for my family. Which is MAJOR! One cause they actually ate my cooking and two cause I pushed myself. 

So now I can’t go outside all of a sudden? I know myself way too well. 

I’m not taking anyone shit anymore. Family, friends, the guys out here…. This low life piece of ahit alien demon.

I don’t care what plane of existence you are in.

I was totally chillin and gotta fuck up my vibe. 

In the golden light healing meditations we cleaned our cords with family….  I instantly saw a difference in their response. Sister sent me a sweet message on FB and my mom actually let me cook. So it ONLY makes sense that these demons out here want to make them dirty with anger. 

I will have to clear my cords again. I love my family very much…… But they don’t get their implications.

Everyone telling me not to go out NOW….. But I needed that back then and a begged my sister to get a home aid…. But now … It’s just like registering 6+ months later…. 

Which I’ve already died like 800+ times….. And maybe twice actually. So now it doesnt matter…. I’m dead…. I eat dead meat cause I have no choice cause of my family and to not be rude. I am raped and abused this whole time taking care of my sister. I have astral parasitic bugs crawling through my aura and 3rd eye. I was forced to watch child porn through visions from some demonic entity for two years and died every single time. So fuck it….. I’m dead. I died more times than I think a human should.

Fuck it.

So no more bullshit.

Suicide Hotline ☎

A guy in my schizophrenic group put up a post that was a simple cry for help. Just like “schiz sucks I’m over life”. I don’t blame him. 

It wasn’t until one of the other posters mad it aware that he had a gun with him.

So me and another member of the group tried to talk him into a safety plan. He didn’t have his meds, he hasn’t slept in 3 days, he had a gun and he was alone in a hotel depressed as fuck. 

A terrible recipe. 

He was also in the middle of no where. So its not like he could go to a Duane Reade and pop 4+ benadryls and call it a night like I do. 

So I literally had to be annoying and stay with him on chat until he got to a hospital. The only problem is that he said sometimes they call the cops on suicides out there. Which sucks…. And he has a warrent. So he was about to back out in front of the hospital. 

My advice is that fuck the warrent, fuck the gun, he needed not to be alone and to get some meds. I told him to lie unless he felt safe. Like essentially he needed sleep and to be under supervisions. I told him to tell the doctors that he hasn’t taken his meds or slept and he was experiencing extreme psychosis and not to mention the suicide. 😞 iDK. Its better than being in a hotel with a gun. I called the suicide hotline in his area and asked about the cops. They said if he poses a threat to himself or others the cops may be called and his name ran. 

So the main goal was get away from the gun, meds and sleep so he could have a clearer head. He is really a sweet soul. I hope to hear from him as soon as he gets out. The next would to have a friend turn in the guns for him.

I hope I helped him make the right decision. Kinda had my nerves on edge and a bit scary cause im not a crisis counselor and someones life is on the line. And i wanted to ensure he was safe. Not just drop a number. But at least he knows we actually give a fuck in that group. Schiz sucks balls. Its legit like every mental illness wrapped into one waking nightmare. 

*BIG SIGH …. With some tears*

I hate seeing my beautiful people suffering like this. I really do. 

UPDATE:

He got 7.5 hours sleep at the hospital, they gave him meds to tide him over, he has guns cause he was in the military but promised to give the bullets to a friend. Went home made a pie for thanksgiving.

God is good! πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™

Sun Lamp 🌞

I’m legit thinking about limiting my electronic time and getting a sun lamp until its warm enough to go outside. 

I’m not depressed other that the fact I have endure the pain of this situation. And I already take vitamin D. My mood is only because of this experience other wise I’m pretty happy go lucky. 

saw some affordable ones so I might just ask for one as an early Xmas gift.

My friend who has also experienced this and has confirmed some things for me told me to look into making a DIY Earthing Grounding mat. I was so use to farming barefoot at my old job when I had the chance or being on the beach. Now I guess the best I can do is fake sunlight and fake earthing until I am able to purge these nasty entities.

The prayers I have been doing seem to only make me be attacked harder.

I know we are suppose to be on Gods side but…… The prayer is for protection from these things and to forgive them. But it doesn’t seem to be working soon after I feel sucked dry as if I’m about to die. 

So idk. The Tai Chi by Eric Pilgrem seems decent. But they just come back.

I look forward to having my feet in the sand on a beautiful long island beach soon as I can. 

Sister Sister (pt. whatever)Β  πŸ˜‡πŸ™πŸ˜ˆ

So tonight my sister asked me to help her in the bed. And I have slowly been trying to ween her off of asking me for help. I mean she had a stroke, didn’t really push herself in physically therapy as much I would have like to have seen, but FORCED herself to go back to work being partially disabled now. Not because its a lot of money but because she loves her job. And my moms and I best instincts we supported her. It would be good exercise. 

Which means that half of my life is currently dedicated to making sure she looks good for the world. But at home constantly cleaning up human waste, helping her put on clothes and getting her things. But some how she braves the streets on NYC and goes to work at rush hour. Which is more than I have been able to do unless its another emergency. 

My sister asked me to help her to bed. But for some strange reason I help he to bed and she gets up 5 mins later for juice and then asks for help again. Sooooo….  I told her NO this time. I tried to explain to her why and she told me to “shut up!“. So I told her, “Fuck you! You’re so RUDE!

And GUESS What the Demon tried to do, tried to GUILT me about the ENERY I was sending my sister and saying it was going to go over and kill her because I told her “fuck you”. 

So I told the demon, “Fuck you too go back to hell”. I thought if this demon wants to hurt my sister at this point that is that Demons choice not mine. What am I gonna do? Grab at air? I already tried that smacking one out of her room. I already put up prayers on every mirror. I bit my tongue and faked being happy for her healing process and was having (still) having a delusional break down being burned and raped all the while having to be a maid and being yelled at. 

This whole being “conscious of the energy I bring our put out there” is now another form of GUILT for this demon to play with after working on many layer and finally getting to a place of soon braving the world. Like I’m not allowed to say NO. I said NO to this Demon(s) so many times and yet . …….Here it remains. I’ve ignored it, I’ve scolded my skin with hot herbal baths, I prayed, I’ve paid, I’ve given up everything in this false “ascension”. 

My sister is not my child and she reminds me of hold old she is every week. I just wish we were just….. Sisters again. 

Since she going back to work now, I have tried to focus on getting a game plan together for my own healing. On my own. Since nothing I paid for worked other than ODing on benadryl /sleep medication and some fake ass excuse for this perverse Demon being in my life “shamans” calling it a “generational curse”.

Check This! I can still be conscious of my “energy” and still express myself. How amazing is that!? Even if I didn’t have this Demon pop up and try to murder me I still would be angry. Look at the world! It’s where I channel my anger. And at the same time I can’t be responsible how some perceives my “energy”. I can only be responsible for how I carry myself. If that person is so perceptive then they should also have compassion in understanding that persons “energy” as well, while simultaneously not taking it on as their own. But I also understand that there are people unaware, sensitive and under attack. Like me. 

The Demon said, “let the games begin!”

πŸ˜©πŸ˜’ UHg.