Hot Tears

Cold fingertips

Don’t worry ’bout my art

They will read between the lines.

So what if I was the sun in female form.

Bless you.

Afraid to cry? 

So was I.

Sure. No. Sure. No. Sure. No no no no.

No. Please stop………… Please stop. ………….. Please stop…………………..

Hot tears.

Smeared.

Eyes and heart crossed. 

Mind put back into place.

Metallic body screams. 

Messages received.

I found your light lurking… 

In the corner of my eye.

Tried so hard to push you out.

I know who I am. 

I know who I am. 

If I know who I am, why do I miss me?

A lie, another, and another…….

So far down paths that may not lead back to me.

Of course!

Please leave.

Please leave me.

Leave me. 

ChosenΒ 

During an “episode”, I’m sure the first are always the meatiest…. How are scenarios, topics, themes, fears, voices, images chosen?

While I am dropping the demon perspective, I guess I am only doing this maybe… Prove that point. 

I have other fears. Like….. Trypophobia, you know the fear of irregular holes. That and mayo. So why was child abuse chosen as a theme?

Or why did it choose the ex (“twin flame”) that it chose, I’ve dated other men, and my longest was with my ex partner of 5 years who is transgender and we are still friends. So why not that ex? I mean there is at least 5 years worth of material there.

Why this time in my life? When everyone in my family was in a health crisis and my grandma and uncle passed away? Why now? Why not before? Why when I tried my hardest to keep my head above the sadness was I yanked down into its depths?

Why the goddess Isis? I studied mythology from both Celtic and Yoruba culture. And more recently Yoruba looking into the characteristics of Yemaya and Oshun.
Why when I looked up, spirit husband, djinn, incubus, the Entity said it prefers to be called and an Entity? And prior to that chose my ex (“twin flames”) name as its own. 

Why can anxiety be created in me, but I can not create anxiety? Why can the voice in my head send buzz and burns to my body, but I can not do the same TO MY body?

Why of all the amazing feats (over coming homelessness, weight loss, good job, paying studeny loans, raises etc) was then every thing undone? I stayed optimistic.

Why for every postivie thought or action, this voice negates it with something gross or disgusting?

How are these thing chosen? When there is wide range of emotions or topics to choose from?

I mean I have sun understanding of subconscious material. I’m not saying that the material wasn’t there, I’m saying who or how it is all chosen and weaved into some insane storyline?

Who or what has the choice? Cause I know I could not even phathom something like this. 

Law of Attraction ?Β 

Prior to this, I wouldn’t say my thoughts were 100% amazing. I mean I worried (mostly about being used), rarely got angry, maybe sassy, read a few conspiracy theories here and there never cared enough to believe them. 

Mostly tried to be helpful and “good”. And I would say a majority of my life was focused on the positive. Slowly allowing my self to reach my personal goals with out pressure. 

So what exactly is going on?

I’m stumped on this one. I am seriously at a loss. I’ve looked at every thought, every bad deed that I may have done and nothing adds up to this experience.

I’ve tried so many approached and nothing is helping much. So this is making less and less sense…. At the same time clearing out a lot of confusion.

Dark Web

A friend had inquired about the “dark web” on Facebook and people began to describe it. Someone said that you can use bitcoin to watch someone get killed. 

Sometimes I wonder if someone is doing something to me. I mean there is “radio” like sounds coming from my head, and next and vag. So I don’t know maybe someone has extreme technology to do this to someone.

As I said there seems to be a main “one” that kind of orchestrates the distant scream bubbles, the two talking on the TV, or a “set” which is like almost being submerged in an environment.

I thought if it is possible someone could do this to someone. Maybe I could find out how, and get my life back. 

I don’t know. I would like to think humans are better than doing something like this….. But then realized after reading the comments about the dark web…. That they are not.

I just don’t know. I just want it gone.

Just thinking. Which seems to work against me at times, because this Entity uses it for a story at a later time for its own entertainment. 

And who believed it?Β 

So, just now I looked at a mars rover 360 panarama photo of mars which is kinda cool. I jokingly said to myself, “guess no pyramids on mars” 

The Entity’s distant scream bubble (that’s what I call it) said “that’s right, that’s right, that’s right, that’s right”. 

Insinuating that believing that there are pyramids on mars is crazy. 

I said, “there have been crazier things said.” Insinuating this experience, and all the lies. 

The Entity said, “And you believed it.”

I said, “and you made it up.” Since you know people who come up with stories about pyramids on mars are crazy, so are the invisible voice that try to convince you of THEIR insanity.

Meh. 

🌌 Dream State πŸŒŒ

So while the “entity” has “turned down in volume” in my waking life, it does omit the fact that it is still happening. I mean EVERY thought is turned negative. 

So its like EXAMPLE, I hear a cough, I scan the house to hear where its coming from, its my sister, the entity then steps in and maybe “suggests” that its attacking my sister so I am worried, then will buzz or burn my vagina and tell me it turn me on.

Another EXAMPLE, I am reading that my childhood friend just passed away, the Entity steps in and suggests that it was because of my Facebook post that he committed suicide. But he actual passed from addiction. 

Either way its absurd and these are the hurdles I have to jump.

It’s like any stimuli is manipulated into something beyond devient from my natural train of thought or essense of self. This happens 100++ times a day. It is exhausting and why I just sleep.

Then again.

So I sleep. I’ve noticed I have less… Uhm authority in my sleep. Tonight was yet another rapey sex dream. Since I have been yelling about rape the Entity now makes them more masterbation dreams which is strange instead of ceasing to do them at all lol its like it found a loop hole. I still consider it rape.

I’m not sexually active because of this thing. I think I might have masterbated once or twice this year. Some would say its repressed “sexual energy” but…. The same thing happened even when I fell sleep on the chest of someone I was seeing (and had sex with) last year.

My dreams were never like this. Strange. Empty. Otherworldly. Pretty. 

Now its filled with tons people strangers and loved ones always bordering inappropriate. 

This doesn’t include the blackbouts before sleep. Or the visions, now more so its not just visions, its this entity “chattering away”. Some times its even different voices women or men. But mostly none of it makes sense at all. Sometimes while I’m blacking out before sleep (which feels different than falling asleep), its just a series of these ramblings and sometimes I will be jolted out of my sleep because it is way off the mark, and I’m like “WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY GRANDMA?!?!”. Cause surprisingly this Entity disrespects the dead often.

Either way, what rights am I giving up when I sleep? Where do I go when I sleep? Who is actually remembering the dream?

I usually wake up pissed in some manner, because i feel violated, which a terrible way to wake up. Only to be greeted with another day of being violated.

So….. Yea. 

πŸ‘€ Illusions πŸ‘€

So I am laying bed, I have a black shelf above my bed and I stretched my arms out. I noticed my right arm and I was like “woa did I get a tan?!?”. I mean sometime you can get a tan on one arm if you hang your arm out the side of the car window.

Then I crossed my arms to the opposite side, and noticed the same thing happened. The arm against the bookshelf seemed lighter and the arm against the ceiling seemed darker.

So it wasn’t my arms. My arms never changed. 

It was the environment, the backdrop, the view, the perception, perspective, the framing, the picture.

But I brought my arms back down to my chest and looked at both my hands…. And they were the same.

I know who I am in any light or lack there of. Please do not assume my perception is a weakness.

😯 Could you love a rapist?

(This was a question that a friend posed on Facebook)

————-⚠TRIGGER WARNING ⚠————

I’m trying to embrace the topic of child abuse. Be honest with you, anytime it came up on my Facebook timeline I just scrolled real fast over it. 

I didnt want to think about it. I don’t… I still don’t. It’s gross and scary. I don’t like it. Its triggering. And with all of that prior to this experience…. Then having an Entity psychically rape me and call me a child molestor at the same time is uhm… Well I had to sort things out for myself and know who I am.

Brief Back Story: (YES AGAIN) I was like 10 or 12 went to a sleep over. Felt some type way about my friend father coming into the room (didn’t live with men in the house, just my twin and mom at the time). I told my mom. My mom then later brought me in a room with my grand parents and told me to tell them. I did and they all stared at each other and it scared me. And then my grandpa blurted out “ya father molested you!”. So I just cried. I didn’t know what it was but clearly it was bad. No one really explained to me what it was, I just knew it was bad. Sometime later (I have no idea how long), I saw the introduction for Date Line special saying the Children who were molested were more likely to become child molestors. And it was about this young boy who was one. So that SCARED the shit out of me and upset me because I didn’t want to be something bad.

Sometime later I woke up from a bad dream and my mom told me to talk to someone on the phone and it was my dad. And he said he never did anything to me and he missed us and something about sand castles (it was 10 years of never speaking). I just went back to bed. 

My father came back into my life and assured me nothing ever happened. My parents quickly got married soon after. They were happy and I was left in angst in trying to accept my father for not being there. I also had to act different because a man was in the house now. … And we moved… It was a lot of change. But I try not to hold on to things too much. I accepted my dad… But my parents ultimately didn’t accept me being queer so they kicked me out right after high school.

When this whole “you’re a child molester” Entity popped up. I honestly for some reason thought it ment my father had did something to me. But I tried to push down this fear that my family was lying to me and trust. My father is a good father. To me “normal” family shit. I worked hard to rebuild our relationship…. One where he hopefully didnt feel like he needed to make up for anything. A friendship.

When this Entity came up again, first with the Goddess Isis and twin flame ex bullshit (which is through out this blog) only to GO RIGHT BACK to the “you’re a child molester”, I know I never in my life hurt a child or even thought about it so….. I thought maybe something did happen to me. I went to some bullshit akashic record psychic lady and she said it did happen only she said it was my dad AND MOM. I’m like Huh?!? So I was upset, but I knew that was impossible. So.

The Entity started saying “You should be GLAD you were molested!” During the thick of my delusions at my job around children. And I was freaking out. So……. I mean the only reason this ever came up again for me was this Entity. Other wise I had made my peace.

 When the Entity said that I got on my knees and prayed to God, for my father, for all the men in the world. I prayed so hard for them to see. Every thought about this subject I kept trying to “give it to the angels” cause not only was I presented with this difficult subject, my body was going haywire and my life was spiraling downward (as stated in this blog).

In a way. While I was foretunate to never had been sexually abused as a child…. It is an issue I still had to manage and wade through. Its a trigger. Whether or not I was or wasn’t ….. Its a terrible thing that we have allowed to permeate in our culture. Which leads to the abduction and death of our children. And I think most will agree. And I am sad that my Dad was accused, and even had to think about and kept away from his kids. Me. 

Unfortunately, I can’t look away as much as I want to and in the same breath I am rendered helpless because there is really nothing I can do about it. Currently. 

Often this subject is link to the LBGT community as most think homosexuality and trangenderism is a mental illness. And because this is linked to sexuality. The freedom for two consenting adults or two consenting young people to love each other, or someone who wants to express their gender in whatever way, is very different than an adult preying on a child, raping or positioning themselves in a place of authority to do so. Its more in the feild of serial killers, sociopaths, racism/ imperialism, and good old fashion patriarchy. It is meant to bring harm to another, while being self serving and self gratifying.

Linking pedophiles to the LGBT community makes no sense.

People are like “oh no if you let LGBT people have rights, then so will pedophiles.”. Honestly pedophiles have more rights than than LGBT which is…………. Insane now that I think of it. Kinda just hit me. Young children are unconsentingly forced to marry some adult…. While LGBT folks can barely walk down the street. Our culture in general supports this behavior as well. (Which I’m not ready to jump down the rabbit hole of culture just yet).

But the question is can you love and accept a rapist and pedophile. 

Sadly MY answer is No. I can have compassion for them. I can hope that they one day they see that they are ripping a young persons childhood away. I can hope that one day they will understand what consent ACTUALLY is. I can hope that they understand the physical and psychological pain that they have brought on someone else. I can hope they understand how they have been a vessle for demons to play them and the people around them. I can hope that they realize all of this and become new in mind and spirit. 

But how? This is work that needs to be done. But will not happen in this blog. I don’t need to have the answers. Now.

I have no interest in talking to the guy who raped me (even though he contacted me a year or two later to be on some hi how are you shit and harassing me).

But I don’t have to love them, and I definely will never accept this. And I hope that we can do more in our culture and world to change this. So that our children (even though I may never have any) can walk down the street with out fear, play and create a better world than the one we gave them.

Its triggering, it hurts, no one really wants to think about it because its painful, but how do we protect our children? How do we bring this to light and stop looking away in shame?

 

Trigger ⚠ Warning

I was triggered today. 

Today was about child brides.

Its not that I am afraid of it, and yes it upsets me because I think a child should be a child.

In some ways I guess back in ancient times, I understood the thought process of having a young wife….. To pop out a billion babies and take care of your old crusty ass. I get it.

But now….. Now…. I thought we evolved.

And it a strange balance because I know this is a part of peoples cultures….. And believe that people should evolve their own culture from with in their culture.

But at the same time this happening in America no problem…. With out even batting an eye…. And this is why our children go missing or end up dead or enslaved.

So, it triggered me. It bothers me. There is no simple answer. I think its wrong. I want a child to be safe….. And not have it stolen from them by patriarchy and misogyny and a psychological problem.

In the same breath…. I’m tired of this Entity trying to convince me this turns me on. Maybe I get upset…. But no it does not turn me on. The Entity builds anxiety in my chest and then it does the rapey thing to to my gentiles like it does all day. But this time selective.

How you go from one year to the other and that’s a turn on?

Its not. It never will be.

And these men out here getting away with this shit. And I’m here trying not to commit suicide cause this shit fucking sucks and feels gross.

Sick of this shit.

And what do you do? To save them? 😒😒😒

Sounds of the Entity

So ….. I have a bunch of recordings where I scanned my body or areas around me intuitively. Usually it was were the Entity hurts me the most.

Ears, top of head, and yes vagina. 

Yes I recorded my vagina. πŸ˜”

And the sound of the Entity is 3D… The material world… Sounds like a electro static frog cricket thing. 

A few times I caught it sounding like me (and I didn’t speak), or my ex …. nothing as eleborated as it does in my mind. But for the most part that’s what it does.

So if you are curious record the areas that you feel are being affected and see what you hear. 

I did it with my phone. 

It doesn’t help with understanding what it is.

But I am assuming that with out my mind, life or identity…. It only sounds like and electro-frog thing.

That’s all.