In a way I feel like I have the worse form of “mental illness”. Schizophrenia, is like being on every drug possible, all the while hearing a voice that will call you a fuck up in every possible way. Its like watching every other mental illness play out in your head and you have no control. And you feel you body burning, your head tightening, your brain getting too big for your skull, and an audiance of non helpful shadows and angels floating around you. It is crippling, it is debilitating, it is not sexy, nor fun, it ruins everything you love, and no one gets you because its that diverse and uniquely tailored to each individual life.
Maybe I am fucked up, but I feel like anxiety, depression and certain forms of PTSD are more “socially acceptable”. Like there is more talk about that. Like those are the easy ones to talk about.
Then there is bipolar which everyone makes fun of because apparently every dudes ex-girlfriend was bipolor just because she was on the rage and he’s a fucking misogynistic douche bag that equate all feelings from women to a mental illness.
Then there are the quirky OCD, strange phobias and which is waaaaaaaaay way more socially acceptable.
Of course then there are the other disorders that really suck and may be the actual root of the said depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts. But we don’t talk about them because that’s too deep. Be honest with you my therapist barely wanted to talk about this shit. Anytime I talked about what was actually happening to me she would stop me to make sure I knew “it wasn’t real”. And she would opt for talking about how my family was doing. Like I don’t have a place to even truly unload this shit, and like I really want anyone to hear this shit, or for to even ever have existed. But wtf am I suppose to do?
Seriously I seriously feel like I had the whole fucking psychological book thrown in my head. I don’t know if other Schizo’s feel like this but it literally feel like every disorder, delusion, phobia and syndrome alll rolled up into one none stop living nightmare.
And its not talked about, but its fucking crazy, it feels crazy. And much as you want to share the craziness there is nothing to hold on to…. It doesn’t make sense. Even if you tried to make sense. There is no sense to be made from the voice in your head.
I told my friend finally that I have schizophrenia, and he told me “you’re strong”, “you will get through it”. But I’m over here worried that there is nothing to “get through” this is my life, and sleeping all day trying to avoid conscious images of child abuse or to avoid killing myself does not feel like i am strong. I don’t know if there is a nother side to this. This maybe my life forever.
I’ve always been the kind a person to really push through some hard shit. I just can’t with this one. I can barely even think. All I can do is write how my soul is constantly being raped.
So YAY I got the worse one!
Tried to be a good personal and all I got was this schizophrenia!