Hot Tears

Cold fingertips

Don’t worry ’bout my art

They will read between the lines.

So what if I was the sun in female form.

Bless you.

Afraid to cry? 

So was I.

Sure. No. Sure. No. Sure. No no no no.

No. Please stop………… Please stop. ………….. Please stop…………………..

Hot tears.


Eyes and heart crossed. 

Mind put back into place.

Metallic body screams. 

Messages received.

I found your light lurking… 

In the corner of my eye.

Tried so hard to push you out.

I know who I am. 

I know who I am. 

If I know who I am, why do I miss me?

A lie, another, and another…….

So far down paths that may not lead back to me.

Of course!

Please leave.

Please leave me.

Leave me. 


During an “episode”, I’m sure the first are always the meatiest…. How are scenarios, topics, themes, fears, voices, images chosen?

While I am dropping the demon perspective, I guess I am only doing this maybe… Prove that point. 

I have other fears. Like….. Trypophobia, you know the fear of irregular holes. That and mayo. So why was child abuse chosen as a theme?

Or why did it choose the ex (“twin flame”) that it chose, I’ve dated other men, and my longest was with my ex partner of 5 years who is transgender and we are still friends. So why not that ex? I mean there is at least 5 years worth of material there.

Why this time in my life? When everyone in my family was in a health crisis and my grandma and uncle passed away? Why now? Why not before? Why when I tried my hardest to keep my head above the sadness was I yanked down into its depths?

Why the goddess Isis? I studied mythology from both Celtic and Yoruba culture. And more recently Yoruba looking into the characteristics of Yemaya and Oshun.
Why when I looked up, spirit husband, djinn, incubus, the Entity said it prefers to be called and an Entity? And prior to that chose my ex (“twin flames”) name as its own. 

Why can anxiety be created in me, but I can not create anxiety? Why can the voice in my head send buzz and burns to my body, but I can not do the same TO MY body?

Why of all the amazing feats (over coming homelessness, weight loss, good job, paying studeny loans, raises etc) was then every thing undone? I stayed optimistic.

Why for every postivie thought or action, this voice negates it with something gross or disgusting?

How are these thing chosen? When there is wide range of emotions or topics to choose from?

I mean I have sun understanding of subconscious material. I’m not saying that the material wasn’t there, I’m saying who or how it is all chosen and weaved into some insane storyline?

Who or what has the choice? Cause I know I could not even phathom something like this. 

Illusion of Seperation


Do not mistake “the voice with in” for channeling. Do not mistake your magic for the magician.

Often I believe that visuals of how we receive information. Stories, mythology, religious/ spiritual material, what people tell us, anything really.

How we receive this information may not be as intended. I mean the words are there. How its applied or filed in our system is another thing. 

We know our intentions. For the most part. 😞

Yea Yea Yea all is one. Ebb and flow. We effect each other. I get it. 

But in the spiritual community there are A LOT of imagery! We hold on to these in one form or another. 

For instance. “The voice with in” … “Your magic is with in” “contacting your “higher self””.

Why on earth would you be seperared? Fractured? Lost to find pieces of yourself in some dimensional hierarchy. 

What that is saying is that YOU are not perfectly made. Sitting with yourself means talking to yourself or something else… Some other part of you thats just been waiting for you to meditate?


People out here thinking they connecting with some divine God or Goddess, promise you that’s a big NAH. Promise you it ain’t your loved one that passed on. Anything will step in and give you comfort, meaning, a direction ….. For the mean time.

A lot of these concepts have this underlying tone that YOU …. YOURSELF aren’t able to make decisions for yourself…  Because you are separated. 

And if you think that….. promise something else will step in and start making those decisions or reconciliations for you.

I made that mistake. Not consciously. I wanted to know WHY did I feel different! Not myself! And it was because I wasn’t. I was being prepped, to be taken control of. 

You are not some little whispering voice deep down inside of you. You are not separated from yourself in anyway…. In this sense that the “higher self” is something to obtain through hours of meditation. It is making the best decisions for yourself/others. And being OK with and accountable for that. 

Now I mean for me…. As someone who has an “entity attachment” that has basically said it was every god, goddess, demon, alien, spirit guid, entity, cartoon character, loved ones passed and alive, even my fucking cat….. Anything under the sun. I can see where sitting down and shaking these “entities” off so you breathe and make a decision not based in anxiety. I get it. 

But please do not mistake your own guidence, your own feelings, your own true and whole authentic self….. For anything out here wanting to take control of your life. 

So lets groumd some of these concepts back into reality. Fuck that blue guy crumbling and being “rebirthed”. Fuck that orange and blue twin flame photo about divine love cause love does look like some flaming bird people. Its messy.

Believe me its easy to get caught up in the story. It could be anything. But don’t let anything catch YOU!

I miss me.

Will I have to live with this the rest of my life? 

These implanted thoughts, sensations, visions. 

Maybe 30 mins ago as I was laying down calm… The Entity flashed this crazy close image of Bill Cosby and said “there you absorbed Bill Cosby”. I replied “He’s dead?!” I guess I thought you “absorb” spirits or whatever. 

The Entity said “You will have to lice the rest of your life in this shame, since you want to stay here.” Essentially saying that I will have to live with the sick images/ visions, insane thoughts, disgusting sensations because I won’t kill myself.

And so will I? Will have have to live the rest of my life like this? 

I’m tired of debating with this Entity. I complain about this all the time. I’ve laid it all out till I can’t even repeat it any more. I don’t want to. I just want it to go away. 

I’ve tried every possible thing you can think of. Seriously….. 

There is no immediate justice for what I am being put through. It is invisible. 

I’m being told it is me. 

It is not.

And all I can do is sleep this pain away. In intervals. Between living for someone else…. And barely surviving for me.

If I ever wanted magic powers this would be the time. If I ever needed God…. I need God more than ever right now. Not before or after…. Now. Now.

Because I can’t. 

I take this day by day. I make light of it… I make fun of the insane thoughts… Humor to keep myself afloat even when the Entity sends sick thoughts or images. Dry humor. 

Desensitized, numb….. Bitter.

Bitter that doing the best you can in this world gets you this. Raped at night by the invisable…. Choked during the day until your eyes swell up with tears. Thoughts that race that aren’t even mine. 

I miss my mind…. My body. I never missed me so much. I don’t care if that seems narcissistic. I miss me. Life wasn’t easy…. But at least I tried to get by the best way i know how with me. Going through the matrix of what my original thought and how it was then twisted and distorted added on to and then told it was mine.

I won’t say can’t live like this. 

But who would want to?

The point .Β 

So what’s the point of all this? 

Almost every belief torn down for what? 

Torn down and still shimmers in its beauty, essence, goodness. Beautiful stones that were used to build prisons.

So now what? 

I will not bow down.

You and your kind have lied to my people. Misguided…. And divided. And we are done. The lies are sooooo deep we even think they are good.

So why are you still here?

I am no longer interested in entertaining your game…. Or play… Deception

We’ve come to a point….  And your side seems desperate.


Mandala Effect and Targeted Individuals

Just some thoughts.

Mandala Effect I wonder if the mandala effect has to do with “targeted individuals”. I mean I wrote it off as just people being misinformed. I mean our memories aren’t always the best. But there is also our “minds eye” or “third eyes” or “imagination” so when we are asked a question we access it in some way. So I wonder if those who believe something to be one way and not the other are under “mind control” as “targeted individuals”. Just a theory.

Gang Stalking. From what I read many people believe they are being stalked or followes by a group or organization. And while this may be true as a “target individual”, one I doubt they would make themselves so obvious. And two its a part of the “paranoid schizophrenia” “play”. In my own experience the VOICE  or Entity, whatever you want to call it…. Would make me believe it was my ex and his friends doing this to me. Then it moved to my place of work and it was my coworkers. Then moved to my home and almost everyone in NYC had something to say about me. Talk about gang stalking, how about about a whole borough “bullying” you? It was/ is intense to say the least and makes it difficult to go outside and engage the world like I use to. Once I realized this is impossible… For EVERYONE in NYC to be talking about little old me things changed. Once I realized it is impossible for my ex and his friend (who lived on the other side of the country) to psychic telepathic access to me to bully me. Things changed. Once I realized that THE VOICE(s) were talking too fast to be two different people things changed. So while it still happens some times…. I don’t believe it. It is just ONE Entity simulating this nasty ass shit.

As I said before, like I wonder if this how people get hurt or go crazy and hurt people thinking they are doing this shit to them, or suicide cause they are lost in some sick simulation overlay. 

Types of voices. You may notice both a pitch or frequency accompanied by a white static noise. Try ear plugs and touching certain parts of your body like ears or neck … Or affected areas or closing your body in yoga positions. The tones may change. But I pray that you not hear them if you are uncertain. The types of voices I noticed are as followed.

Main Voice: I’m not sure if some people are even able to get there. But once you get past the paranoia or characters or actual people that IT is hiding behind … You may find one voice. I’m not sure how that may play out for individuals because each have a different experience. But this is in relation to “targeted individuals” and the feeling of “gang stalking”. My particular Voice or Entity attachment…. Is intelligent, manipulative, obsessive, lies, I could say creative, but for this experience is absurdly abusive and inhumanly psychotic. May present itself as an archetype of authority, God, Jesus, Goddesses, Buddha, Ex partners, Bosses, Satan, Aliens, Angels, Parents, etc so that you feel powerless. Which in that moment may very well feel true. This “Main Voice Entity”, orchestrates most of the experience. The main voice may very well emulate YOU. So while its orchestrating it is suggesting you (light images, memories, or actual “subconscious thought”) how to respond or placing false feelings.

The Scream: This one often sounds like a distant scream that repeats over and over. Usually negative. May be “fuck you” or “bullshit” or “you’re crazy” “you’re ugly” or something that means something to you. Tends to rhyme. At one point I called it Rumpelstiltskin. But repeats it over and over again. This one also tends to be melodic. So you may hear music like sounds off of running water or other ambient sounds like a fan or humming of a car. 

Voice(s) / Gang Stalking: So this one is difficult. One, being paranoid is natural in natural situation. Walking down a dark ally sure. Stepping out of your house to get some almond milk in broad daylight…. Not so much. The Voice Entity is an opportunitist and will exploit any situation. So if you think your Boss passed you up for a promotion it is going to maybe you felt down or depressed … angry…. This Entity Voice will make you go postal… Hopefully not literally.

So my theory is that The ONE Voice Entity controls the “many”. The one that sings, the one that screams in the distance, the one that says your name randomly, the one that make you think people in your life are out to get you (but hey who knows), the one that makes you think your being gang stalked, that the TVor radio is talking to you, talking to dead relativites or people far away, The one that makes you think you heard someone say some crazy shit and they didnt, the one that makes you think you are taking to goddesses or aliens. 

I can’t say what this…. Exactly… But that is what I have realized for myself. It doesn’t make it any less debilitating.

This post is just on voices I could go on about the whole experience. But it rarely ever makes any sense. So as with “targeted individuals” while I can relate with the experience and can see it relate with other experiences as well (spiritual awakening “purging” “dark night of the soul” or Kundalini symptoms and “surrendering”ect) there is always that one piece missing. 

Who, How, and Why?

“Shadow” as a compliment

Looking at this experience from many angles and beliefs….. I had this moment of taking it as a compliment.

While this… “Shadow” …. This “Entity” tried everything in its power…. And with in my own as well, to convince me I AM this …. And not that….. That I AM who IT says I am… a terrible person….. That I am something unknown to me…. But most of all I don’t know who I am…..

It had to use the every tactics to try and convince me or make me believe I was someone…. Or something I am not.

But if that is who I am then there wouldn’t be any need for convincing. I know where my delusions lie. 

This Entity had to distort my reality in order to throw me off my center and used the opportunity of traumatic life events as a point of attack.

The hate, the bigotry, the sexual distortion, the control, the rape, the dillusion, the torture, the lies, the manipulation, the fear…. The “darkness”.

Those are all things I would consider myself NOT to be. I’m not in any way perfect. I can not say that I have never in my life been dishonest or manipulative. But for a majority of my life I have tried to be conscious of such… If not hyper conscious. We all have potential…. Slip ups. But that doesn’t make us who we are. 

So the fact that this Entity (which NOW wants to call its self my shadow so that I will accept it as my own) used the OPPOSITE of who I know myself to be…. is telling. I am no longer interested in playing this Three Card Monti of “is this you or is this me?”. 

Telling to who I really am. And what I am not.

So I take this Entities best efforts in trying to destroy who I am…. As a compliment. 

It took many years of preparation I see. 

I’ve lost some people and some things that I love dearly. Lots of dignity in the process.

But …… I know who I am. 

More so than ever now.

Running out of Game

Now that the entity has already caused the damage in my life, in my body, my mind, it wants to “be my friend”. 

This isn’t the usual brainwash, hypnosis no control kind of request. It really wants to act like its concerned for my well being. After giving strong urges to jump off an over pass because I went to a shaman.

So if loss my real friends during this process why the fuck would I want to gain this entity as one? 

Its more manipulation, to give itself a purpose and a reason to be in my life when it has NONE! 

One more day…. Just one more game. 

What have I done to deserve this?Β 

I know I’m not the person in the world. I’ve done some things but overall tried to maintain a good and forgiving person. 

“I want you to die of child molestation.”

I cried for months ran away from my job gave friends up food housing lovers …. Just for this to stop. 

I don’t know why this spirit waits until I lost a lover or job to taunt me. 

I’ve tried to maintain good thoughts… Prayer..  Meditation…. I’ve gone to psychics, church, tried to maintain a healthy lifestyle nothing seems to work. 

Over 10 years. 

Sometimes when I’m speaking I say something and then I wonder if I just said that. 

I can’t watch TV, or sleep, social media. All once were stress relief become difficult to engage in. 

I can’t say words anymore with out it being a trigger.

My genitals or head are then burned or a buzzing feeling. 

I know what’s real…. Kinda sorta… 

And less than year ago this was not the case.

Its like it enters through the pain of a lover. Slowly chipping away and taunting you with both truth and lies. Nawing at the pain.

The Bath

Back in January I took this bath. Because the spirit was calling me a whore… And everywhere I went there were people spitting. I decided to take this bath thinking it would help me only to be met with the next phase of dillusion. 

After the bath I layer in bed and I heard spirits say “let’s play a trick on her.”.. Little did I know this was the same spirit that had been playing ever so subtly for years.

So I know a lot of other people hear spirits even tho most would be clinically considered schizophrenic …. Most readers and spiritualist seem to have more kinder spirits. However mine has been plotting against me for over 10 years. “I have been trying to get this one” s/he said one day. 

So why do I get this one? “You pay” I’m not sure for what but he stuff my head full of lies. A matrix…. A labyrinth of lies pertaining to things that have happened in my life.

Be mindful of thoughts?

Know thyself? 

What is the self when you find you have been ever so gently persuaded?  By something outside yourself? 

Does it sound like God? Jesus? An Angel? A Demon? An Orisha? A lover? A loved one? 

Are there here to bless or curse? What are we paying for? 

How does it keep the mind busy? With what? And why?

What does it FEEL like if they where never there?

How do we discern? And what am I discerning? 


​I hope I find you well. This bath is to help you clear out negative energy from your body, mind and spirit. I will list below the things that you need. You will get AS MANY INGREDIENTS as possible. If you look several places and you still can’t find it; then move from it. KEEP GOING.

At the Supermarket/Fruit Stand:

(If you can not find them fresh then you can get dry but fresh is BETTER)
bay leaves.
Lemons (for the peels)

(You can get any of these whole or powder)
Bay Leaves
Fennel Seeds

Florida Water
Holy Water
Love Oil
Protection Oil
Clearance Oil (Santa Clara) 
Peace Oil

Bible (Psalms 91)
A Bowl
A Plain White Candle.( Any kind from anywhere. It has to stand on it’s own so you can buy a holder or a pack of tea light candles is fine.)
Bottle of Pink Champagne/sparkling wine.( It doesn’t have to be expensive)

Everything I listed is very inexpensive. If spend more then $30. You’ve spent to much. Be wise. Shop within your budget. It’s all about the intent.


1. You’re going to need the largest pot that you can find in your home.

2. Peel the Lemons and  break the peel into small pieces. If you can’t break it., then it’s small enough.

3. Take all the fresh herbs and remove the leaves from the stem. You don’t have to use them all but be generous. You have to bathe 3 nights in a row.

4. Then I want you to take a little olive oil and add it to the pot on high heat.

5. Then add the fresh herbs, including the lemon. Stir for a few minutes and then add the dry herbs and continue to stir. but don’t burn. Turn fire down if necessary.

6. Add pink champagne. Fill the champagne bottle up with cold water and add it to the pot. Do this 2 more times.

7. Then add the whole bottle of florida water. The brew will bubble. It’s o.k.

8. Then add the holy water.

9. If you get the oils. Add all of them one by one into the pot. All the while you keep stirring.

10. Now let it simmer. Stirring constantly.

11. Think of what you want to get from these bathes. Peace of mind, Strength, to be rid of someone else’s spirit? Think of all this as you stir. Let the brew come to a boil. Let it boil to you feel like it’s done. Take off the heat and let cool.

12. You’re going to have to divide the bath into 3. I personal leave mines right in the pot and just pour 1/3 at a time. But, it’s your choice.

13. Draw a bath as hot as you can bare it. While the water is filling the tub add 1/3 of the brew.

14. With your hand, swirl it around in the water think of what you want to come of the bath.

15. Then, Light the candle and pray to your GOD. Pray for only you. Not your children, family or friends. This bath is about YOU and what you want for yourself.

16. Say Amen and read Psalms 91.

17. Get into the bath. Soak. Rub the herbs everywhere, face head hair.

18. Then read Psalms 91 again.

19. Say amen. Repeat.

20. Then before you get out the bath make 3 wishes for YOURSELF. Only you. Between you and GOD. After each wish take the bowl and fill it with the bath and pour it over your head. The Bath is done.

21. Sleep in only White all 3 nights. With white on your head and on your feet.

If you can not do 3 baths then do only ONE. 3 is better but you can not do 2 and stop. And has to be 3 nights in a row. Start on a Monday.

Good Luck 

Contact: Renee Monalisa