So I think because the story of Job we are encouraged to just let things go when life is taking a nose dive into a hot concrete pavement.
I mean I let go my job which I loved, my relationships, friendships, all my possessions (cause I could no longer afford to have them in storage), my comfort, dreams for what I thought my life would be like, health, money (3k in spiritual services), beliefs, food, sex, even at one point stopped wearing jewelry, ……….. I honestly don’t know what more to give up. I know the voices wanted me to run away and be homeless AGAIN. And I’m not doing that. The main reason I didn’t run away was that my sister had a stroke and I needed to be there to help her otherwise I’m not sure what I would have done to try to make this voice and torture stop. But I gave a lot. And I’m done giving up everything. Short of my life (which they even asked me to commit suicide almost everyday and I attempted twice because of the child sex abuse visions).
And while I am all for Gods corrections at what point are we just allowing ourselves to just be tortured and misdirected by demons who want to present themselves as Gods or Authorities?
I made the intention to go back to school hopefully next year and so what I have been doing is studying “spirituality” in its different forms. Recently studying I tried to study the Zohar which is the study of the soul and Gods correction of the soul but the demons just like the Bible made it extremely difficult to read and study. Twisting concepts around. I have come to plateau with these demons. I know how they work. They say and do the same things over and over again. I see what they look like even if they look different. So more or less I see how they build on each other or connect to each other and me. So I’m pretty much done and annoyed. But more annoyed and a bit disheartened that I might not be able to finish school like I want to. I just don’t want to waste money or fuck up cause of this experience or be in class and them talking about how I want to fuck my teacher or classmates all day. Cause that is NOT how I think!
I have been waiting on this miracle, but I’m not sure to what extent I am suppose to step out and what part I’m suppose to wait. I’ve been laying in this bed for a good 2.5 years and I’m done. I’m as zen as I’m gonna get. I’m not a threat to anyone. Maybe myself if I don’t figure out how to get this demon out. Cause I KNOW it’s not schizophrenia…. I have photos proving it’s not…. it’s definitely an entity and it stalks me all day and never shuts up. Why it’s stalking me I don’t know, but I can’t say I’ve done anything to justify this torture. I’m not perfect, but shit man…… this is out of control.
So I guess I wanted to check myself on all that I have given up on thinking it would help me shake this demon and it hasn’t helped.
Taking these extremes have helped me in same ways uncover who these demons really are. No they weren’t my ex, or my coworkers as they pretended to be. No it wasn’t God (thank God for discernment). No this wasn’t schizophrenia because they were stupid enough to show up in my photos. And this wasn’t because I was a terrible person and deserved it, no different than like anyone else that is sick and deserved it. You can do everything right and still get sick.
So I still have a lot to sort through. But I while giving up everything DID uncover them…… I am starting to feel like I am only self harming and living a life of misery (which is what they want). It’s so weird being a happy depressed person. Like I still have optimism but like I wanna die cause I hate this experience and the pedo shit.
There are days I wake up in bed and the demon says it wants to have sex with me and of course I say NO and of course it molests me anyway. It will try hard to make me almost feel sleepy or drunk. And I will end up going back to sleep because my energy is zapped. Like that’s my fucking sad ass life. The pedo/ father shit didn’t start until I realized it wasn’t my ex ( false twin flame) and I started rejecting this demon. My life is SO fucking sad and lame. But I’m trying to remain hopeful. I guess it was my fault for thinking two people could love each other so much they could have telepathy. But it wasn’t my fault. I just didn’t know.