5am in the Morning

Before I fully woke up the Entity said “It is a gift from God to be expelled of negative energies.”

My cousin woke me up to help her dress a wond she got from a brutal attack last week. 

It wasn’t until I started fully waking up that addressed this statement made in MY head that God gave ME! 

So, negative “energies”; mental health, physical sensation, emotional ect …. To be are symptoms of an Entity. Their are also “positive” ones as well… Harder to spot…. But there.

Either way early morning sleepy head….. This Entity tries to ask me questions that will steer me away from God. Or denounce God.

Maybe I’m an entitle little shit to think that these Entities should not be able to contact people, or affect or influence lives to this degree. Of course I wonder why…. What is Gods plan…. And why we weren’t born protected. But again this Entity for whatever reason wants me to denounce God. And be honest has given me more than enough reasons to feel the need to do so.

But I thank God for my discernment…. I wish I would have come into them earlier. Then I wouldn’t have allowed the Entity to act as my loved ones in my life. 

You must really think your God!” I said to the Entity as I sat on the toilet. 

Kinda sorta maybe.” 

Not my God!“.

I want to be expelled of this Entity! Not the energies that go up and down my body, that rapes me, cripple me, scare me, scream at me….. I want to be expelled of the one who is creating it. Not the symptoms of what should not be there.

Either way that was my morning today.

Mandala Effect and Targeted Individuals

Just some thoughts.

Mandala Effect I wonder if the mandala effect has to do with “targeted individuals”. I mean I wrote it off as just people being misinformed. I mean our memories aren’t always the best. But there is also our “minds eye” or “third eyes” or “imagination” so when we are asked a question we access it in some way. So I wonder if those who believe something to be one way and not the other are under “mind control” as “targeted individuals”. Just a theory.

Gang Stalking. From what I read many people believe they are being stalked or followes by a group or organization. And while this may be true as a “target individual”, one I doubt they would make themselves so obvious. And two its a part of the “paranoid schizophrenia” “play”. In my own experience the VOICE  or Entity, whatever you want to call it…. Would make me believe it was my ex and his friends doing this to me. Then it moved to my place of work and it was my coworkers. Then moved to my home and almost everyone in NYC had something to say about me. Talk about gang stalking, how about about a whole borough “bullying” you? It was/ is intense to say the least and makes it difficult to go outside and engage the world like I use to. Once I realized this is impossible… For EVERYONE in NYC to be talking about little old me things changed. Once I realized it is impossible for my ex and his friend (who lived on the other side of the country) to psychic telepathic access to me to bully me. Things changed. Once I realized that THE VOICE(s) were talking too fast to be two different people things changed. So while it still happens some times…. I don’t believe it. It is just ONE Entity simulating this nasty ass shit.

As I said before, like I wonder if this how people get hurt or go crazy and hurt people thinking they are doing this shit to them, or suicide cause they are lost in some sick simulation overlay. 

Types of voices. You may notice both a pitch or frequency accompanied by a white static noise. Try ear plugs and touching certain parts of your body like ears or neck … Or affected areas or closing your body in yoga positions. The tones may change. But I pray that you not hear them if you are uncertain. The types of voices I noticed are as followed.

Main Voice: I’m not sure if some people are even able to get there. But once you get past the paranoia or characters or actual people that IT is hiding behind … You may find one voice. I’m not sure how that may play out for individuals because each have a different experience. But this is in relation to “targeted individuals” and the feeling of “gang stalking”. My particular Voice or Entity attachment…. Is intelligent, manipulative, obsessive, lies, I could say creative, but for this experience is absurdly abusive and inhumanly psychotic. May present itself as an archetype of authority, God, Jesus, Goddesses, Buddha, Ex partners, Bosses, Satan, Aliens, Angels, Parents, etc so that you feel powerless. Which in that moment may very well feel true. This “Main Voice Entity”, orchestrates most of the experience. The main voice may very well emulate YOU. So while its orchestrating it is suggesting you (light images, memories, or actual “subconscious thought”) how to respond or placing false feelings.

The Scream: This one often sounds like a distant scream that repeats over and over. Usually negative. May be “fuck you” or “bullshit” or “you’re crazy” “you’re ugly” or something that means something to you. Tends to rhyme. At one point I called it Rumpelstiltskin. But repeats it over and over again. This one also tends to be melodic. So you may hear music like sounds off of running water or other ambient sounds like a fan or humming of a car. 

Voice(s) / Gang Stalking: So this one is difficult. One, being paranoid is natural in natural situation. Walking down a dark ally sure. Stepping out of your house to get some almond milk in broad daylight…. Not so much. The Voice Entity is an opportunitist and will exploit any situation. So if you think your Boss passed you up for a promotion it is going to maybe you felt down or depressed … angry…. This Entity Voice will make you go postal… Hopefully not literally.

So my theory is that The ONE Voice Entity controls the “many”. The one that sings, the one that screams in the distance, the one that says your name randomly, the one that make you think people in your life are out to get you (but hey who knows), the one that makes you think your being gang stalked, that the TVor radio is talking to you, talking to dead relativites or people far away, The one that makes you think you heard someone say some crazy shit and they didnt, the one that makes you think you are taking to goddesses or aliens. 

I can’t say what this…. Exactly… But that is what I have realized for myself. It doesn’t make it any less debilitating.

This post is just on voices I could go on about the whole experience. But it rarely ever makes any sense. So as with “targeted individuals” while I can relate with the experience and can see it relate with other experiences as well (spiritual awakening “purging” “dark night of the soul” or Kundalini symptoms and “surrendering”ect) there is always that one piece missing. 

Who, How, and Why?

“Higher self” and suicide?

Hypothetically: Would the “higher self” force the I guess “human self” into suicide?

Would the higher self actually say “tired of looking at you fucking up”? Cause wouldn’t that ultimately mean the “higher self” fucked up? 

Just saying.

I guess I am currently in an ocean of terms, ideologies, beliefs and practices ….. Overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. Nothing fits just right. Does this belief make my butt look to big?

Yes. Yes it does.

Discernment has been so important. Because if I truly believed that this Entity was my ex, or God, or Satan…… I would not be here right now. And as much as I want to forgive this abusive being I also must remind myself of this fact.

Today yet another woman expressed having a very similar experience as I. I mean the white outs, choking sensations (not anxiety) as well as a voice calling her a bitch and saying “I’m leaving, I’m never coming back”. I am sure that’s the tip of the iceberg.  

This is soooo similar to the catch phrases that the Entity uses with me its almost scary.

  • “I’m fired” / “You’re fired”
  • I’m never coming back again
  • You will never see me again
  • I’m leaving / “Go Home”

These are just SOME of the catch phrases there are plethora of others depending on the theme or topic.

So why would two different people (women) on different sides of the world and from different cultures and with different symbols and language have an Entity telling them practically the exact same thing???

Hmmmm?????????????!

Por QUE!

I haven’t spoken to her directly to exchange any other notes. But Yea…… It is exhausting. I am glad she was able to position herself to at least stand her ground and know it is NOT her and she is NOT just schizophrenic……

As I said before I ….. I am (personally) where I have attributed all these “mystical” experiences (“angel” sparkles, shadows, spirits, telepathy, “voice of god”, aliens whatever) to this Entity. So…. My beliefs are kinda at a standstill …. But at the same time I look for information.

My only thing is does my exclusive experience with this Entity emulating them mean…. They do not exist? That’s why I try not impose of people too much. I mean whatever gets you through the day. But at the same time I’m about truth AND safety and when those things are compromised…… On a fundamental level….. The “self”….. What do you do other than hold space for each other? 

Allow one to draw their own conclusions with out imposing too much…..

Friends

I finally opened up to one of my friends about SOME of what has been happening to me. 

The spirit said, “I prayed for this day.” I heard knocking on a wood dresser next to me. He then said, “I now get to play”. 

I said, “you’ve played enough” I have been trying to devote time to prayer and being healthy mentally, emotionally and physically but this spirit won’t “let up”. 

He doesn’t want me to talk about it with anyone about what’s going on. 

When I move on from my “twin flame” and try to ground myself from being obsessed …. Or over emotional. It then goes back to “now you die of child molestation”

I told my friend about this and she doesn’t quiet understand I don’t expect her to cause I don’t and I’m experiencing it. 

She said this is energy…. Because of how malignant it is…. Because it has a voice its hard for me to to say this is energy. Energy is like …. Feeling the weather come on… Vibes in a room… This is full on wtf … And what feels like spiritual warfare/ psychic attack. 

It said it “wants me to go crazy”. And I’m sure I sound pretty freaking crazy… But I’m trying to hold on. 

Misery Loves Company

“You still don’t know my name.” He said.

He reminded me that my father once called his sister a dyke ….funny enough I came out when I was 18 as queer and had long lasting and loving relationship with my ex (non-twin) for over 6 years. My parents also kicked me out when I was 19 and I struggled to make it on my own. 

However he still trys to find his way in. I can feel him on my head, or tapping on my body, I feel him doing tingles over my body, or thoughts that are WTF? (Not to say I have my own wtf thoughts).

He wants to go unnoticed like he had before so many times. He wants to see me “loose again” as he said so many times before. That meaning failure in health, job, relationships.

He wanted me to become a religious fanatic so he could “have this God play.” 

Ive steered from Christianity in my life but I have always believed in God and Jesus. My mom, cousin and I actually had an interesting conversation about religion. While we all had different beliefs in one way or another we all believed in God and how beautiful was that. I always questioned a world with out diversity … But Gods plan is bigger than mine.

I wanted to appreciate the entity for showing me wounds but at the same time, there is a point where the process became abusive. 

So this entity is not here for my highest good and found an “in” from the wound created by my “twin flame”. Only taking me down the rabbit hole of every thing I had done wrong since I was a child… And creating new fears. It’s an art. I have to give him that.

He said, “I’m not done.” 

He said “I hope you never have eyes”. I have eyes so I guess he may be talking about my “third eye”. 

I almost stopped believing in God…. Almost lost faith. Still working on strengthening my faith. But this has been daunting. Most post I have read people have asked the entity to leave and it left. But this one. …. Wants to stay and “play”. 

While my curiosity got the best of me… I wanted to know in depth what was happening to me… And how…. And when.. . and why… So many why’s. But I have to give up on complete understanding and for release.

He said everyone is a kook. And that this spiritual stuff is bull.but he wants to keep me in isolation so he can continue to toy with me. “If only you knew how I paid” but he won’t tell me anything. He just keeps talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking… I don’t even talk that much….playing on trauma, fears or curiosity.

Misery loves company….. I just don’t know his name. 

Cat stole your seat

I left the room for a brief moment and the “spirit” said “oh the cat stole your chair” before I even even saw the cat in the chair. 

Some months back….. I heard the word “honey tree”, then I did all this research trying to find out what a honey tree is. I found a thorny tree and I thought something to do with Jesus. Only to find that my ex sent me a song maybe a few weeks later by a band called “The Honey Trees”. I was totally freaked out by the fact that it happened and the lyrics. 

So I can’t say this is me. I can’t accept these as my thoughts. Only that I hear them “unfortunately”. I think about psychics…. And  how they hear or receive messages…. And they try to help people and stuff… 

But my expierence has been far from glorious…. Its a living nightmare. What was once an “awakening” turned into some terrifying stuff.

Even as I write this my legs are trembling uncontrollably. I wish there was a point to this…. Mostly the an end that doesn’t result in death. “Go Home” as s/he often tells me.  

Peace…

Peace of mind.

What have I done to deserve this? 


I know I’m not the person in the world. I’ve done some things but overall tried to maintain a good and forgiving person. 

“I want you to die of child molestation.”

I cried for months ran away from my job gave friends up food housing lovers …. Just for this to stop. 

I don’t know why this spirit waits until I lost a lover or job to taunt me. 

I’ve tried to maintain good thoughts… Prayer..  Meditation…. I’ve gone to psychics, church, tried to maintain a healthy lifestyle nothing seems to work. 

Over 10 years. 

Sometimes when I’m speaking I say something and then I wonder if I just said that. 

I can’t watch TV, or sleep, social media. All once were stress relief become difficult to engage in. 

I can’t say words anymore with out it being a trigger.

My genitals or head are then burned or a buzzing feeling. 

I know what’s real…. Kinda sorta… 

And less than year ago this was not the case.

Its like it enters through the pain of a lover. Slowly chipping away and taunting you with both truth and lies. Nawing at the pain.

Theatening Me


I recently broke up with some one i was dating because hearing this spirit and being with someone was too much. My life has downward spiraled as thpughts that are npt mine are packed into my mind. 

S/he said “now you better not have sex (with a man) other wise I will turn me into a pedophile.” WTF? 

“I bet you wish you stayed a lesbian”
While I am ok with being alone for a while I do long for companionship. Why would this spirit threaten all areas of my life? Home, health, sanity, relationship, sex, friendships, family, job? 

I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of explaining. I’m tired of defending. Everything is taken away. I have no control. 

Very few choices…. Very few options. 

Alone. With this spirit that threatens me everyday and no one to talk to. To true relief. 

“Thank your ex for this.”