So tonight my sister asked me to help her in the bed. And I have slowly been trying to ween her off of asking me for help. I mean she had a stroke, didn’t really push herself in physically therapy as much I would have like to have seen, but FORCED herself to go back to work being partially disabled now. Not because its a lot of money but because she loves her job. And my moms and I best instincts we supported her. It would be good exercise.
Which means that half of my life is currently dedicated to making sure she looks good for the world. But at home constantly cleaning up human waste, helping her put on clothes and getting her things. But some how she braves the streets on NYC and goes to work at rush hour. Which is more than I have been able to do unless its another emergency.
My sister asked me to help her to bed. But for some strange reason I help he to bed and she gets up 5 mins later for juice and then asks for help again. Sooooo…. I told her NO this time. I tried to explain to her why and she told me to “shut up!“. So I told her, “Fuck you! You’re so RUDE!”
And GUESS What the Demon tried to do, tried to GUILT me about the ENERY I was sending my sister and saying it was going to go over and kill her because I told her “fuck you”.
So I told the demon, “Fuck you too go back to hell”. I thought if this demon wants to hurt my sister at this point that is that Demons choice not mine. What am I gonna do? Grab at air? I already tried that smacking one out of her room. I already put up prayers on every mirror. I bit my tongue and faked being happy for her healing process and was having (still) having a delusional break down being burned and raped all the while having to be a maid and being yelled at.
This whole being “conscious of the energy I bring our put out there” is now another form of GUILT for this demon to play with after working on many layer and finally getting to a place of soon braving the world. Like I’m not allowed to say NO. I said NO to this Demon(s) so many times and yet . …….Here it remains. I’ve ignored it, I’ve scolded my skin with hot herbal baths, I prayed, I’ve paid, I’ve given up everything in this false “ascension”.
My sister is not my child and she reminds me of hold old she is every week. I just wish we were just….. Sisters again.
Since she going back to work now, I have tried to focus on getting a game plan together for my own healing. On my own. Since nothing I paid for worked other than ODing on benadryl /sleep medication and some fake ass excuse for this perverse Demon being in my life “shamans” calling it a “generational curse”.
Check This! I can still be conscious of my “energy” and still express myself. How amazing is that!? Even if I didn’t have this Demon pop up and try to murder me I still would be angry. Look at the world! It’s where I channel my anger. And at the same time I can’t be responsible how some perceives my “energy”. I can only be responsible for how I carry myself. If that person is so perceptive then they should also have compassion in understanding that persons “energy” as well, while simultaneously not taking it on as their own. But I also understand that there are people unaware, sensitive and under attack. Like me.
The Demon said, “let the games begin!”