My Symptoms (Voices) June Update

There is more but this is what I could update and condense in this email. 

So I’ve tried to document what my experience has been so in case there is anyone out there experiencing the same things. Can’t say youre not crazy (cause im sure thats how you feel) but you are not alone. Very rarely will they be the same themes exactly, but how did you feel? What games where you dragged into? 

I am constantly refining what my experience is. Because there are multiple “storylines” or games going on ALONG with my reality. Also anything can change on the whim of the entity.

If you even read all of this shit…. Idk. I’m just trying to make sense of the insanity.

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Symptoms: Just to name a few

Voice(s), spontaneously orgasming (rape)/ waking up horny rolling around in bed like a crack head, extreme headaches, lack of energy or vitality, extreme pressure in the body, jolts to the body, involuntary movement of limbs, abnormal heat in the body, sensation like someone is softly blowing or crawling on me, random images/ visions not of my own personality or likeness, hallucinations (shadows, sparkles, sensations and smells), “seeing energy”- swirly or lines, more frequent dreams/ nightmares, sleep paralysis, ringing in the ears (different tones) as well as white noise, something feeling off, paranoia, not feeling like yourself, Black outs, Bright outs (like black out only overwhelming amount of light), loss of sense of awareness/ or “self”. I feel like I’ve gone through every psychological disorder all in two years. 

The Entities List of Demands

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Levels of “Voices”: 

There are levels and volume almost. In the beginning the volume was at a 100 and I could barely do anything. My head was HOT and I felt like my brain was going to explode. Since it has dialed down to like 30. 

Will use anything to charm and appeal to you. Humor… Funny visions… Sometimes i would wake up to music in my head like i had headphone on. It will appeal to you only to soon turn on you and make you feel terrible. In the beginning acted as two separate characters a man (terrible) and a woman (good “sympathetic”). Yea no …. It’s one!

Distant Screams: usually repeats the same thing over and over again. Can be amplified by ambient or white noise. I would hear “Fuuuuuuuck Yoooooou”, or “I’m never going to come back again!”. 

Cast of Characters: This one is tricky. There are two levels. One is more intimate the other is general and makes you feel paranoid. 

  • Intimate: is usually loved ones, those who have passed (acted as my grandpa a few times). Or as telepathic communication between people. Can also parrot loved ones voices. Singular ghosts or spirits, spirit guides, gods or goddesses ect. 
  • Cast of Characters: Usually there is a paranoid feeling with this because it can be random strangers. So feeling like you enter a room and everyone is talking about you. Or said something about you when your weren’t looking. Even as though the whole spirit world is talking about you. But why would they do that.

Ambient Sounds: Can come off of ANY sound. So TV, Radios, hums, house noises, nature sounds, other people chatting or passing by. I went to the beach to “ground myself” and the waves were telling me to jump in and kill myself. Not the experience I was hoping for. 

You: The voice will also act as you. This one takes discernment. “Implanting ideas” through flashes of images, memories or actual words to steer your conversation or thought process. I also don’t fight it as much because its too much unless it gets out of hand or overwhelming. Can feel like racing thoughts etc because the Entity is trying to act like both you and itself. 

Grounding: For me I realized it was ONE voice, One entity (maybe apart of a hive mind) but only ONE with me. All of these character are not real. The reason I realized that it was only one was because it was talking Super duper fast when trying to be multi- characters (including me). 

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Games: Mythological, esoteric and religious beliefs, personal history, information skeeeeeewed and distorted.

Can sometimes “tell the future“. But not to your benefit like consoling. Told me it was waiting for my grandma (called her “great day” which was something she use to say) to die. I didn’t believe it and she did. I haven’t even been able to grieve that. 

Angel sparkles: seeing flashes of light and dark. I haven’t figured out a pattern for them. (Since I was young 15) also shadows a handful of times since I was 15. 

1111: “The wake up call” Synchronicities, master numbers, angel numbers, symbols meanings to everything. Everthing has to have a MORE meaning. “Spirituality”. (Received this since 11/11/11) but as the entity started to attack , I was seeing them so much they almost lost meaning. Just a lot in one day. 

Twin Flame: Third worse thing on the fucking planet, was the energy of obsession, lust, love, heart ache and pain but I did not feel connected to (at least not for as long as I did). The entity sounded and acted and flashed visions of my ex (so called twin flame) and assumed the “personality” of my ex and made it seem like there was telepathic communication (by parroting his voice) between my ex and I by telling the future like when he would call or foretelling a song he sent me by The Honey Trees – Orchards…. (Which i never heard of prior) Also used the personality of my ex to psychically rape me every night and pretend he put a black magic curse on me cause we broke up.…. But I mean my ex was an asshole but not pure scum like this entity. It continues to this day to use my ex against me/ hide behind him by saying his name 500+ times a day (obsession), memory or voice and relating my ex back to anything that I am doing, even though I’m am pretty much numb. Ceased all contact with ex because it was too triggering and I didn’t want this entity to have any more material on my ex. No relief yet. (Since 2015-2016/2017ish) 

IAM (Isis/Osiris): Said, “do you know who you are?” “You are 8,000 years old”,  was pretty much forced to say IAM Isis as a part of an agenda to weave the story line of Twin Flame, judgment (condemnation, shame guilt), and soon God play. To my understand the Entity wanted to drag me to the “underworld”, and given an “identity” I was given Isis so that the entity could take it away and given to someone “prettier”. The entity moved on to say this was Alchemy. And made it seem that the more that I agree to engage this game, that I might be rewarded. It asked me what did I want. I said nothing. It said i should want my ex (twin flames name) back. After both my twin flame (“supposed separation phase”), my Isis ID, (along with real things: job, home, money, friends, possessions, sense of self), I was to be be “purified”. But this “purification” was anything BUT, also engaging/ being forced into this process there was also Judgment for “believing” in Isis and I was told to read the bible and then forced into Christianity. But I was only being rolled into just another sphere for MORE judgment (guilting and shaming). Other archetypes and mythological and religious figures where also introduced and assigned to people in my life but not as important. I didn’t find the “I AM RA material” until much later down the line when I was trying to figure out things. I didn’t really finish reading it. There was also a sense of the entity “jumping bodies” or seeming like it can take over other people and stalk. Told me I needed to be in a new “vessal”, which was prep for suicide. (2016)

Past Life: I was told in the I AM game that I small part of Isis’s soul. And had visions of her. Then I was told that Isis was being given away to a prettier woman my ex’s (friend and or his current girlfriend). Now I didnt believe any of this, but again juat wanted it to stop. Once the Isis storyline faded away (but was still used occasionally to make me feel like shit), it went on to past lives. 

One night after work as I was reading the bible, and the entity came in and said that I am suffering because I raped 57 children in a past life. At the time I was working with teens, and the entity moved on from Isis and started calling me, a child molestor. Which literally scared the shit out of me. Because I was told I was molested as a child, before I could even understand what it was I  saw a 20/20 special in the 90s that said that the an abused child becomes predator. All I know is I remember that thumping in my chest. I just remember fear no rationalization just pure fear. I just knew it was bad.

I never had a chance to really work through any of that and don’t remember telling my mom that it scared me. But year or two later my father came back into our lives (after not seeing him for 10 years) and he had a break down and said he never did anything to me. I believe him but all I was left with was some teenage angst and this child hood fear of actually becoming one. But I had to move on with my life quickly.

I can’t even tell you the nightmare it was living in “child molestor world” OMG it was so gross and I can’t even explain the insanity that came from that. Tears roll down my cheek as i even think about it. Being called one, the visions of child abuse, being told I was one in a past life, being told I should happy my dad DID molest me (he didn’t), being told that my eyes were the window for a child molestor. Being told God is a child molestor because he watches his children have sex, Being told I should kill myself because of my “past life”. Just INSANITY and there was no escape …. I had no choice no matter how logical I was. It would switch and say a child molestor meant I am really a mother (I’m not currently one and sure I should after this shit). And I was dealing with this to be a mother. But quickly I was like you know what I’m ok, I don’t need to be a mother that bad we need to stop this process ….. And it didnt stop.  I was in the nightmare living it, sleeping it. Walking around hearing and feeling that you are one was too much. So I quit my job (with youth) and locked myself in my parents house, and tried to figure out what the fuck was happening to me. 

It took me a while to not be completely controlled by the fear the Entity controlled me with. I asked “OK if you know my past life, WHAT WAS MY NAME?“, like I wont be on anscestry. com trying to figure out what the fuck. No name given. Till this day…. It fucks me up, and to some level it still happens everyday. Even though I have identified my root fears, it still tries to make me feel ashamed for looking or being around children, which was never an issue prior to this experience. No relief yet. (2016-current)

We are our soul essence and no one can take that away. Ever!

I have found other women who have experienced the fear of child abuse (usually their own) as well but usually subsided. Where I found the most vocal men and women where in the “targeted individual” groups where people were very clear about these Entities try to do some sick shit to make you loose your mind. Much like I discribed above.

Opposite play: “As above so below”. The entity would say that everything that it was saying was “the opposite”, honestly this where I really fell down the rabbit hole because the entity would switch what and who was opposite and not opposite at any given moment to benefit other and my brain just couldn’t handle the fuckery. (2016)

God Play: “The lord is my shepard, I shall not WANT!” It would scream, the entity condemned me for “wanting” my ex (twin flame), buuuuuuuuuuuut that wasn’t really the case. It would say i want to get married and have kids so it could dangle it as a “carrot”. But I cant say that is what i’ve always deeply wanted. If it happened cool. Be honest what I really WANT is for whatever this thing is, to leave my entire being.

Because I do not and will not believe this thing is God. It has also tried to skew my view of God and religion. The entity has “suggested” that people who hear the voice of God much like pastors or what have you (same thing with politics), are only being manipulated by whatever this thing is as a part of an agenda. The entity complicates the idea of God and my relationship to God. 

My belief in God is pretty simple. I believe in God, don’t be an asshole all the time, try to do some good when you can, and everything else is speculation due to the flaw of man (too many secrets and to many lies). I believe there were many teachers (on how not to be an asshole) I just happen to grow up Christian. So I keep it simple, I believe in God.

Because I refuse to accept this entity/voice as my “lord and savior” it moved on to something it called “Gods Love“, which basically forced me into accepting that it was God for a moment. It did not feel good at all, it was almost like blacking out and I had zero control. (2016-2017 current)

Current: It picks up ideas, inspirations from my environment, people i meet ect, or what I read whether I’m aware or conscious of it or not. Everything becomes a debate with this Entity. It never EVER shuts up. And it also does this “was it me ornwas it you” on who had what idea. Also sometimes punished for having an “original thought”. 

More recently I have been blacking out for moments at a time. Last night i blacked out for 3-4 moments. Its not complete unawareness because there is thought/ theme there but I have no control (was looking into dream states). Because they are spontaneous and brief I can’t come out of it completely understanding it. It like words aren’t spoken yet spoken. But Yea. Also when this happens there is almost like an electric zap, singe feeling to it. Again that TV being turned off, electric spark. But I’m not sure if that’s just dramatic effects of the entity or its really fucking with my wires. 

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Themes

SexThe major theme has been sex, Not only going through my own sexual history and being made to feel guilt and shame (and actually trying to install that feeling since I don’t), but then SKEWING a sense of personal freedom in sexuality. I am NOT sexually attracted to children, animals or my family members in any way and the entity would try to make me feel or believe that I am. Child abuse, incest, beastiality, hyper/deviant sexuality is not my cup of tea. Surprisingly I’m “queer” and the topic rarely came up, although it did called a faggot or dyke a few times, it made fun of me for cutting my hair (forced) and say I look like a man. Or because I can no longer be with my ex (twin flame) I might as well become a lesbian again. It would also say its (the entity) is a man and only wants me with women. 

Says I will never be a mother/ I’m not a mother so I need to stop being nuturing (even though I have pcos and used birth control and protection to make sure if I ever was, it was with the right person .) Also says I will never get married but said I am spiritually married to my ex (twin flame) and I can never date or have sex again and I should kill myself for him. But has also said I am married to Satan. 😒 I doubt I’m Satan’s type. (Right)

Not only did I at some point feel watched during sex. The entity would include itself (either act as my partner or an observer). At least back when I had sex. Once it had no one to hide behind, it would force me to orgasm as I awaken out of sleep (rape) and never engaged in any consensual type of “energy sex”. It also made fun of my actual rape, and try to reinact it through sleep paralysis, energy rape, and anxiety in a dream.

Slavery/ rascism: racism, “forced racism”, slavery historically, would call people all kinds of racist names which is very unlike me, slavery (bdsm), was “energetically” harnessed and forces to sit up straight and cross legs and to be a “lady”. didn’t last that long and couldn’t cross my legs anymore as I started to gain weight from being STRESSED THE FUCK OUT. Wasn’t a major topic. 

Fear: Mainly childhood fear of child molesters, of hurting anyone else, death (which I’m not afraid of), suicide (which I won’t), death of loved ones, being shot, pinning my ex (twin flame) and saying/ giving visions that he will shoot me in the head, becoming ill and being told i will have cancer, addictions/vices, paranoia/ being watched, threatening my loved ones, saying that I am a curse and I negatively effect everyone around me, black magic (as if someone did this to me), sexual assault and abuse, uses “sins” as a way to latch on, running theme of guilt and shame. Insecurities, (but also “crushed” the things I liked about myself or things I had in order to build up to the “God Play”) “God giveth and god taketh away” type of theme attitude happening with this entity, homelessness (again, was homeless as a teen). 

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Healing: along with traditional religions I have also explored, spiritual herbal baths, a forget him spell, psychics, binaural beats, yoga, light workers, reiki healer, burned sage, shamans, psychiatrist, therapy (all with no relief)

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Researched: (most from suggestions)

(These are the different names of what I have been experiencing through out this journey). Angels (due to seeing flashing lights and sparkles), 11:11 wake up call during that time and seeing number everywhere (“ascension”), Twin flame, – (shortly after twin flame it was all down hill), black magic, thought forms, demi-urges, shadow work, Dark night of the soul, karma, past lives, dna curse, Incubus’s, spirit husband, Archon’s aliens, demons, possesion, fallen angels, jinn, ghosts, poltergeist, a changeling, a curse/ spell, divibe alchemy, kundalini, awakening, ascension, mk ultra, targeted individuals, elf waves, agenda 21, hive mind, schizophrenia, schizophrenia…….. Bla bla bla.

Cause I don’t know what the fuck is going on! 

Mandala Effect and Targeted Individuals

Just some thoughts.

Mandala Effect I wonder if the mandala effect has to do with “targeted individuals”. I mean I wrote it off as just people being misinformed. I mean our memories aren’t always the best. But there is also our “minds eye” or “third eyes” or “imagination” so when we are asked a question we access it in some way. So I wonder if those who believe something to be one way and not the other are under “mind control” as “targeted individuals”. Just a theory.

Gang Stalking. From what I read many people believe they are being stalked or followes by a group or organization. And while this may be true as a “target individual”, one I doubt they would make themselves so obvious. And two its a part of the “paranoid schizophrenia” “play”. In my own experience the VOICE  or Entity, whatever you want to call it…. Would make me believe it was my ex and his friends doing this to me. Then it moved to my place of work and it was my coworkers. Then moved to my home and almost everyone in NYC had something to say about me. Talk about gang stalking, how about about a whole borough “bullying” you? It was/ is intense to say the least and makes it difficult to go outside and engage the world like I use to. Once I realized this is impossible… For EVERYONE in NYC to be talking about little old me things changed. Once I realized it is impossible for my ex and his friend (who lived on the other side of the country) to psychic telepathic access to me to bully me. Things changed. Once I realized that THE VOICE(s) were talking too fast to be two different people things changed. So while it still happens some times…. I don’t believe it. It is just ONE Entity simulating this nasty ass shit.

As I said before, like I wonder if this how people get hurt or go crazy and hurt people thinking they are doing this shit to them, or suicide cause they are lost in some sick simulation overlay. 

Types of voices. You may notice both a pitch or frequency accompanied by a white static noise. Try ear plugs and touching certain parts of your body like ears or neck … Or affected areas or closing your body in yoga positions. The tones may change. But I pray that you not hear them if you are uncertain. The types of voices I noticed are as followed.

Main Voice: I’m not sure if some people are even able to get there. But once you get past the paranoia or characters or actual people that IT is hiding behind … You may find one voice. I’m not sure how that may play out for individuals because each have a different experience. But this is in relation to “targeted individuals” and the feeling of “gang stalking”. My particular Voice or Entity attachment…. Is intelligent, manipulative, obsessive, lies, I could say creative, but for this experience is absurdly abusive and inhumanly psychotic. May present itself as an archetype of authority, God, Jesus, Goddesses, Buddha, Ex partners, Bosses, Satan, Aliens, Angels, Parents, etc so that you feel powerless. Which in that moment may very well feel true. This “Main Voice Entity”, orchestrates most of the experience. The main voice may very well emulate YOU. So while its orchestrating it is suggesting you (light images, memories, or actual “subconscious thought”) how to respond or placing false feelings.

The Scream: This one often sounds like a distant scream that repeats over and over. Usually negative. May be “fuck you” or “bullshit” or “you’re crazy” “you’re ugly” or something that means something to you. Tends to rhyme. At one point I called it Rumpelstiltskin. But repeats it over and over again. This one also tends to be melodic. So you may hear music like sounds off of running water or other ambient sounds like a fan or humming of a car. 

Voice(s) / Gang Stalking: So this one is difficult. One, being paranoid is natural in natural situation. Walking down a dark ally sure. Stepping out of your house to get some almond milk in broad daylight…. Not so much. The Voice Entity is an opportunitist and will exploit any situation. So if you think your Boss passed you up for a promotion it is going to maybe you felt down or depressed … angry…. This Entity Voice will make you go postal… Hopefully not literally.

So my theory is that The ONE Voice Entity controls the “many”. The one that sings, the one that screams in the distance, the one that says your name randomly, the one that make you think people in your life are out to get you (but hey who knows), the one that makes you think your being gang stalked, that the TVor radio is talking to you, talking to dead relativites or people far away, The one that makes you think you heard someone say some crazy shit and they didnt, the one that makes you think you are taking to goddesses or aliens. 

I can’t say what this…. Exactly… But that is what I have realized for myself. It doesn’t make it any less debilitating.

This post is just on voices I could go on about the whole experience. But it rarely ever makes any sense. So as with “targeted individuals” while I can relate with the experience and can see it relate with other experiences as well (spiritual awakening “purging” “dark night of the soul” or Kundalini symptoms and “surrendering”ect) there is always that one piece missing. 

Who, How, and Why?

Targeted Individuals (pt2)

I’m really not be one for conspiracy theories. I do love a good fanatsy film but I’m not so sure about living one at this point.

I perused a few “targeted individual” forums on Facebook. There seem to be a lot of similarities between “ascension” or “kundalini” symptoms and the symptoms of “targeted individuals”. I have found connections between a LOT of the different beliefs or theories BUT not one answer as to WHY or WHO or HOW. 

Apparently some lady sue some guy for “electronic harassment” (you know that static in your ears or that voice in your head, ect) and won, but she found who it was I’m not sure how this applies elsewhere. I mean logically to me if a man is electronically harassing someone I (court of law) would figure out where he retrieved the technology to do so and regulate there. But that’s just me being logical in an illogical world.

So these are your average everyday folks who seem normal having not normal experiences. As I said schizophrenia is either suppose to be one percent of the world population (which is approx 72million). Which is a lot but not lot a lot when you add up people hearing the voice of god(s), psychics, ghost hunters, alien watchers, schizo’s, demonic entity attatchments, witches, time travelers and whatever else you can come up with.

Most seem to have some sort of religious connotation, but I guess with an experience like this one would def seek God.

In the forum a few people talked about the perverted experience of being a “targeted indivual” or MK Ultra or whatever. 

I blanked out the names but these are also public posts below.


There is a theme of perversion. Hard working people with families having to struggle with this type of experience. Both men and women fearing for their lives and their children as well. And dare I say unnecessarily. Fear base experiences that have nothing to do with the essense of that individual. Or even their true psychology.

I’m not one to dive deep into conspiracy theories….. But this is waaaaaaaaaay out of control. I actually don’t care what IT is…. But I do want this to cease and desist not only for me but for others as well.

There is always a carrot. If its not something or someone it is your own personal freedom. 

What causes one to have a better delusion than the other? What triggers it? 

Either way some of my findings on this sad sad SAD road to probably no where. 

Evolution? 

Late night thought.

As much as I want to trust….. That everything is for the better. And in my previous post as I said before in others people are having all these strange “symptoms” mine just happens to have an annoying voice attached to it. 

And we are all sitting here thinking …. Or hoping it is for the better…. For humanity and upgrade….. 

Have you ever thought this is actually a de-evolution? 

I don’t feel any better….. I feel like shit actually. 

I’m not trying to come from a place of fear…. But just pose the question. I mean there is life….. Which is already hard to deal with and then there is ……. This.

I’m just trying to figure out if my head is the clouds or up my ass. 

I think its important look at this. I mean society isn’t getting any better. Cops are shooting black kids. Racists are trying to “make america great again”, people are hurting our children and for some strange reason there is still hunger in the world. 

And we try soooooooooo fucking hard to combat that …. Some of us. We do. We try to combat the poison in our environment, minds, bodies. And now at the same time we have to deal with these “symptoms” that are some how an upgrade?

And what if I eat too many cookies and forget to meditate …. Too bad upgrade gone?

The fuck is going on? 

“Robert Bruce 2 | Psychic Self Defense, Removing Entities, Angelic Guidance | EODR 37”

Kinda crazy…. Kinda interesting. 

When I was listening to this podcast they talked about “Remote Viewing” and I was bought to one of the days this all kind of sparked off December 25 2015. 

My ex (false twin flame) had send a general “happy Xmas text” and for some reason I instantly became faint and had to lay down. As I was laying down awake I had a vision of my Ex’s best friend (who apparently a healer) looking down at me and smoking weed. I had never had anything like this happen before. So I started looking it up. That’s when I found that it may be possible for someone to “remote view” you through a crystal or third eye. So I kinda freaked out bought some protection crystals and went about my life.

If someone was remote viewing me…. Why would I remote view her back? If this woman is a healer why would this situation decline to such a derogatory state? If both my Ex and his best friend did anything why would they even reveal themselves to me or let me know they are doing it? If you are trying to rock someone world remotely I would only assume you would want to keep it a secret. 

This Entity needed people and a story to hide behind. And unfortunately this is probably how people loose their ever loving minds and flip out and hurt people. Fortunately I’ve maintained my cool…… Considering.

There was also a part of the podcast that talked about generation/DNA Entity attachments. Which I have also tested this theory. I was completely honest with my parents about what I was hearing and neither my mother or father ever experienced it. I think my mom might have had an altered state once when she was reading the bible. But nothing like THIS. Also the Entity knows very little about my family members and any information is from my own knowing. Also memories from my childhood are piecemealed and distorted. So say for instance I remember the feeling of the day I woke up early in the morning to go play in the fog because it felt magical…. The entity shows the image of me from an outside perspective so I was seeing myself… I remember seeing my feet on the concrete trying to run over to the grassy area. The rest of any details were made up to make it seem like it had been there this whole time. Which it has not.

So nope….. No twin flame vengeance, No generational curse, Def no past life bullshit….. And I have NO idea what would warrent this as Karma…… So what is it?

Plain old evil…. Using whatever lie to get you believe its real and the more you believe its real the more “power” it has…. And can position itself in control. And ultimately take your precious life? Or worse someone else’s?

It saddens me if it is this kind of tourment that drives people to hurt their own kids or loved ones. Believing they are demonic…. Or whatever else sick craziness that an Entity can come up with to trick/ force someone into doing something horrific.

I have to figure out how to get rid of this thing. As I’ve said before there are plenty of people who willing play with Entities so I don’t understand why its staying here.

Let Go and Let God 

9. You can stop a Kundalini awakening. Unfortunately the answer to this is also “no”. I have worked with a lot of people at this point who have been to well-meaning healers who “teach” people how to stop their Kundalini, or treat it as anything from a possession state to mental illness to an energetic aberration that must be “fixed”. This causes a lot of chaos, pain, and emotional/spiritual damage and trauma to the experiencer of the Kundalini awakening. What can be done is to process whatever is coming up, to surrender, to let go and let God, so to speak. There are specific tools that can be taught, understandings that can be had to come into better alignment and have a better relationship with Kundalini. Once you are out of your first three chakras things typically improve a bit, or at least are not so physical in scope, and you have a better perspective of the process. There are teachers, such as myself, who can help you learn these skills. There are also many healers, such as CranioSacral therapists, who remain in a neutral, witness state to help you process energy and the trauma, emotions, etc. that are coming up.

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I Google searched “how to stop Kundalini”, I found this article with much disappointment. Because I’m done. I’m over it. I want my life back….. Not like the things but my actual life. To get out of the coma…. “Cocoon” phase…. How long is a cocoon phase? Isolation and imprisonment are two VERY different things.

I wondered if I am having two different experiences at the same time. Both a natural “kundalini awakening” as well as an Entity attack. To my understanding Kundalini is when you have this over surge of energy and abilities…. Come into play. But wonder if both your abundance of energy and “abilities” just make you more appealing to whatever entities that have been hanging around. To either play around with or cultivate/ harvest somehow for their own gain. 

Just a theory.

I don’t know what else to say. I mean if I had/have and abundance of energy or natural abilities it would make sense that an Entity would want to use them for their own gain or get rid of me. But why? 

I try to be careful of the stories allow myself to believe but these are kind of facts at this point…. I have experienced a lot of “kundalini” like symptoms and this entity has tried to get rid of me or make me crack into insanity. 

I also caution myself from a Grandiose idea of who I am or know myself to be…. As I am a human clearly flawed and vulnerable. I always thought my super power was kindness and often jokingly called myself a Care Bear…. Because I knew how ridiculous it is to want to save the world. But I know my place and my limits.

Maybe I wasn’t protected enough…. I never had spirit guided or animals or angels …. Although it was fun to look up the symbology. 

Just a theory …. Entities lurking around waiting for you to go through our natural metamorphis for either gain or to snuff it out. Filling our minds with all kinds of stories and fears to distract us from our simple transformation.

Maybe thats why so many people are having these botched ass awakening…… I mean I can understand confronting ones fears….. But living in a purpetual state of fear? Having these commonalities among so many people loosing their shit. This Entity seemed like he had too much fun with this for this to be an Angel in disguise.

Just a theory. I am open To being and hope to God that I am wrong. 

“Don’t Date Men”

So for a while the entity kept saying “don’t date men” and saying I’m gay “again” for months. Even though dating is the least of my concerns right now. 

So my mom invited her hairdresser friend over (who I hadn’t seen in years) and things were cool. I was honest about my situation and what I am going through. And apologized for my unwillingness to present myself in a reasonable manner (ie take a shower and get out of my house clothes that I had been wearing since the Easter breakdown in church). 

We laughed and joked about it. He told me about the times he had gone through his mini breakdowns and such. After a few drinks (I wasn’t drinking) he told me I should take a bath and we prayed. I complied and when I got out of the shower he told me I need to shave my face because I look like I’m “trying to be a transgender man” and started laughing at me (I have PCOS) and I tried to take the high road and talk about mybskin regimin but he was insistant. I didn’t comply only because I was also giving my skin a rest from plucking and again it is the least of my worries right now. 

Then he out of know where said “you should not date men, I mean I can’t even find me a good man.” Now normally this wouldn’t have bothered me. But accompanied with the transgender comment and poking poking about it 6 times and the fact I never told him I was dating men. I was like OK my mom was telling him about me? Like a man brought this into my life? (Cause it didn’t matter who I was with this entity doesn’t want me to be with anyone… Isolated alone and unhappy.)

I told him “you kicked me in my fave twice on your way out“, he said “how did I do that?” I said, “IDK like a ninja?”

So I walked away and then he kept grabbing my shoulder I told him to not touch me twice and the third I blew up and screamed leave me alone. The entity kept trying to shame me and say I was embarrassing my mom. But I really didn’t care in that moment. I slammed the door to my sister room and locked myself in until he left he said bye I said peace. 

Later I asked my sister if I was wrong. She said well he kept pushing it. I told her I don’t have any animosity towards him, I just try to let people know in the moment. I guess that because i shared with him explicitly what i was going through something and hearing really really negative voices that I expected him to be more conciderate and kind as i have always been with him. (With most people actually). But I should have kept my cool. 

I let it blow over and later before I went to bed my mom came over and said, he shouldn’t have said what he said. And I asked her if she ever told him that I was dating men. She said no and I kinda believe her. So ….  Then I got confused.

Either way. That was my yesterday. I really need to keep my cool. Crazy is one thing anger is another….. Normally it takes a lot more for me to blow up….. But this experience got me on edge. I can take ownership of that.

I watched a YouTube video that had mentioned that “channeled” messages or maybe even sychonicities are apart of being stuck in the “matrix”. Its like you get stuck on signs and messages and the ironies (“karma”) and synchronicities just to figure out how to navigate and give it this “meaning” as to WHY these things are happening. Or they just could have happened and we can be aware and still put ourselves in other people’s shoes and come from a place of understanding with out having to go through the whole production. Who knows.

An Eye For An Eye

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”

So I am fortunate enough (sarcasm) to live in a home where there are at least two to three TVS blaring all day until about 1am. (Greatful tho) My sister is currently watching a bio on Tupac. 

I remember when this experience first started I kept saying “I feel like tupac” well at least to myself anyway. I literally felt like I was dying… My head was being blown up not only with thoughts but also the sensation that thoughts were actually being shoved in there. Every time some one sneezed or coughed I felt like I was being shot in my forhead/third eye. I remember in one bio I watched about Tupac, he said something about feeling like someone was going to shoot him or something to that extent. I felt like the same cause I had never seen, felt or heard anything like I experience ever before in my life. 

So my sister has the Tupac story on. I am on DAY 2 of trying not to respond to this entity (or at least trying my best). The show said something about “deadbeat dads”, and the entity automatically applied the statement to me. 

The best way I can explain (and I let it roll bare with me): My father (who wasn’t around for ten years), I believe a vision of the day I told my mother that we should get child support, the fact that my parents kicked me out (but light light), the fact that I am unable to work and I am living at my parents rent free, and the insinuation that my father is NOW making up for it by financially taking care of me (mom and sister)/ karma or something like that. This happened all in maybe less than a minute. 

MY first thought after that is ,”wow and I thought I was young”. Now what I meant by my statement was that, thinking NOW that my dad owes me ANYTHING is unevolved. All I can be is grateful. I was content with our yearly beach trips. But he does not OWE me anything. There is no karmic debt to be paid for him not being in my life as a child. If anything I would think that is painful enough. 

So this entity trying to again drag me into a “storyline” an idea that my dad is trying to make up for something or that I should even view it as such is unevolved and lower level thinking. AND most of all untrue.

Even when I was a teen, I knew that putting both my (twin) sister and I through college would be difficult. And I in my mind stepped back so that my sister (who has a slight learning “disability”) could go through college. I figured I would make it on my own. I just wasn’t prepared to be kicked out. I struggled with the fact that school cost so much but I went a few times in between jobs but never got a degree. I firmly believe that school (amoung other things) should free/ accessible/ affordable to everyone. But I tried. The idea of debt hanging over my head sucked but I tried the straight narrow with out much luck. 

Ironically enough, the year (this year) that college became free in New York state, I am unable to properly read with out every word/ idea being twisted back to death, my ex (twin flame), child abuse, the degradation of God or family (there are others but those are the major ones). So how could I ever get through a book or a crunch time paper with out loosing my shit? 

Either way. This idea of “karma” is really not sitting well with me. That this is because of that. Or that’s the storyline we tell ourselves or allowed to be told to us. It’s the BECAUSE we hide behind getting or not getting what we want. This thought is unevolved. But its the you did this because….. This happened because…… That weaves together a storyline. And we try to understand. Other than it just is. I am not saying that there is no cause and effect. But its the story, because the cause and effect may have nothing to do with the storyline that we are either told or make up in our head. 

If that makes sense.

“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”, I said this because being trapped in a cycle of this is happening for that and I do this because this, (its a mindset I’m talking about) this idea of karma looping…. Keeps us blind…. Stuck. But to what?  All i know is I’m not with it! I believe in the book called “The Art of Love” I read after a break up the author talked about that looping of poision. That we inflict pain on people (loved ones) when we feel pain from them. We want to give it back. But instead we can take the time to get to the root and suck out the pain/poison and not allow for it to permeate and become apart of this drawn out “storyline” of back and forth. The BECAUSE instead of is and was….. Instead of letting it go. Like a fucked up version of the Wonder Years TV show, there (may or may not be) this narrator. That just can’t let go of the IS and have to turn it into a BECAUSE. 

NOW, trying to actually apply this to my own life (or reapply it), is difficult because (heh) I want nothing more in the depths of my heart but for this entity to leave my entire life. For this experience to end. I can never go back to being “normal” but….. Yea I accept that. I gave up on trying to figure out what it is…. Because everyone has their own “storyline”, fears, belief, solutions, reasons why it is happening. And while I would like to know. I’m OK with not knowing. But I refuse to get sucked into a “karma” loop. Allowing for this entity to give false bullshit reasons for affecting/ influencing my life. Letting go of the want is tricky. The WANTing to remove this entity from my life is difficult to let go of, since I’m feel practically imprisoned into feeling sensations and thoughts that were never there before.

Day 2. 

“Karma” pt III

I’m still confused about karma. 

I feel like most people use it as a “curse” than a “blessing”.

I’m not seeing where all my good “karma” is. I fought hard for justice… And love…. And never anything in return but never thought everything would crumble and all I would be left with my family and this entity.

I always tried to treat people with respect even when they disrespected me.That’s what my mom told me to do.

Jaded. 

I’ve noticed a pattern with only the guys I’ve dated recently that they fall asleep and I am waiting outside their door and end up going home. Usually in the winter and only 6 months long. 

What is that? 

Where is the good Karma? 

I fought to keep other people in their homes and I don’t have one of my own.

I tried to employ people even when I was unemployed and I’m jobless. 

I tried to show love and still can’t keep a relationship. And keep having these odd almost repetive cycles with guys. 

Sure, I can ask what is this trying to tell me. Where is the lesson in all of this? How can I approach it differently? But how do you approach a guy falling asleep and not answering the door 3 times with 3 different guys? How do you approuch irony? Isn’t that karma? Irony? 

That’s what we deemed it as. That’s the value our modern day society gave it. And so it is carried out. When do we send the word Karma out with a blessing? So what only is going and coming around is negativity. Nothing positive. Its like every negative thing ever said to me, done to me, or not so great deed I’ve done has come back all at once and twisted…  Exacerbated.

So is Karma just another spirit world game? A curse for amusement? 

How do we get rid of these cycles? How do we even accumulated them? 

Its like you have these innial interactions with people and then there is a fuck up yours or there’s and then it follows you no matter how you try to re-approuch the situation. No matter how much you try not to fuck up or avoid that situation again.

So what matters in all of these situations? Because if you are kind you are stupid …… If you fuck up karma comes back 10 fold and follows you like a monkey on your back.

I’m trying not to be jaded. I really am. Cause I’m not seeing any “good karma”. 

Giving up

I can no longer say I know what’s happening…

Or why…

Or what to name it…

In a way I have to greave the loss of my TF, authentically… Alone…. In private… Not mocked…. Or pursued…  Or shamed by this spirit.

I long for that day of silence.

He triggers me like a machine gun.

I could never know the truth with him in this.

I have to give him up. 

He let go too. 

For silence …. For peace…

I’m left with scars… 

Ones I thought he would heal…

Eventually… 

Didnt matter if I listened to this spirit or not….

The outcome was the same…. 

Pain. 

With more pain… Wrapped up in a blanket called a lesson. 

I wanted to call her karma… 

But pain is pain….

It just hurts.

And wonder if that is all there is?