Narcolepsy: Church

So was watching my church online like I do every Sunday (or Monday depending).

And all of a sudden the Entities knocked me out. Now the Entity woke me up at 3am and then at 12pm knocked me out mid sermon.

The Entities kept calling my pastor gay. Which I wouldn’t care if he was, but he’s not. And the Entities were trying to twist the word and Say Jesus worship is Satan worship. Which is another thing running around in the New Age/ Occult arena.

So it took me a while to figure out WHY these Entities were pushing me into Christianity in the beginning. In the beginning I believed in God above all things and Jesus as a teacher sent by God to teach us how to be better humans. However that is what the commandments are for. I did not believe that Jesus was ONLY PATH (new agey) and that he was God embodied to die for our sins, not so we can sin, but so we can be redeemed.

So I was an easy target for my ignorance.

The reason that these entities played God was so they could then disprove or then make it seem that there was no God or to make me lose faith in the feeling of abandonment as they torture me for the last 4 years.

It’s a simple bait and switch. My “spiritual journey” was at its essence trying to become closer to God and understand truth in this world of lies. And then my weird supernatural experience (caused by Entities /Demons) crossed with the crazy new age stuff I found online (which people think is spiritual) totally knocked me off my feet. And things got really confusing.

These demons are really out here trying to lure people further and further from God. To the point they are pretending to be God.

They will say they are the Voice of God or Jesus and then rape you energetically, torture you, take over your mind to the point you don’t know what is what, show you illusions so you keep running after something that essentially does not exist, because we want proof of something beyond us. Then make you feel as if God abandoned you and try to convince you there is no God.

And I’m like OK so the Demonic Entities that are TALKING TO ME, are trying to convince ME there is NO GOD. Lol how much sense does that make?

I mean the first fuck up was that they made was revealed themselves to me all. That was number one. And then THEY, these astral matrix-y demonic (acting) entities, are going to try to convince ME something doesn’t exist when in fact their mere existence was unfathomable in the first place?

It’s easy to get stuck in our immediate situation with these demonic entities. To think that is all there is. To constantly try to figure it out and blame it on new agey past life’s, karma, twin flames, not having our occult astral shields up, not doing enough witchy baths, government following you cause you went to a protest, not being of love and light…. some bs. Yea NO. And it’s easy to get into these concepts, when trying to figure out WHY AM I BEING ATTACK?!

I will be honest with you ANYONE can be attack. Sinner, the righteous, Good, bad and in between. What only truly furthers our attacks is IGNORANCE.

The lack of truth. Some of which we may never figure out and need to come to peace with that. We aren’t meant to know all the secrets of the universe lol because then that would make us God. And we are not God or Gods as much as we would like ourselves to be.

So be at peace with not knowing everything. Enough was revealed to us to know what these things are and that they attack who ever. Even Jesus in the desert for 40 days, and he is Holy!! That is how bold these demons are, they attacked the son of God, in hopes he would weaken.

So why not us?

Or a lot of us…… not all.

So know this. All of these theories. While they can help in the absence of faith to have something to cling to…… they can be VERY detrimental in the fact they can be skewed, twisted, ever evolving to get us to the point there is no God. The word of God is unmoving (well for the most part, minus slavery and stuff, BUT it says in the Bible that it must not be altered and those who did so at any point in time will face severe consequences).

You know what’s funny, is that I actually think a lot of the technologies that Target Individuals talk about exist in some fashion. I guess my point is that more likely they are NOT using it on you. Bob next door does not have DARPA weapons aimed at you and follow you everywhere you go.

But the devil knows how to get you worked up enough to think so. If you cant see through the lies then we are definitely doomed.

Man all I wanted to do is watch a sermon this morning. And I’m out here on my internet soap box.

Observation: False Fear (and other emotions) caused by entities. πŸ‘½πŸ‘»πŸ’©

So while I am all about feeling your feels. I also want to touch on false emotions caused by demonic entity oppression.

The easiest instance that I can explain is that entities have watched and observed us collectively or individually enough to mimic our emotions. The good news is that they don’t do it very well.

Often I think the easiest emotions are anxiety or depression. Now this does NOT mean that someone can not suffer from anxiety or depression. I mean we all have moments that worry us or sadden us. That is natural what is not natural is when we do not feel connected to them. Often the entities will pretend to be self talk in order to excuse the emotion that they place with in us. Again this can be anger, anxiety, depression, fear, jealousy, sexual attraction and even LOVE.

J worked through a lot of the anxiety and depression. I know who I am and was able to discern quickly that something wasn’t right even though I didn’t have language or examples to connect to. So when I felt anxiety I breathed through it because often it was a more physical emotion, like a beating in my chest accompanied by racing thoughts. Mimicked depression is more subtle. I think despite my situation I have done a lot of work to keep a balance with in the situation. I allowed myself to soothe myself as I experienced this unimaginable experience. I blogged, made art, watched my favorite movies, stayed away from triggers until I was ready to face them.

I did what I needed to do to stay in my sweet spot of calm while this horrific experience unfolded around me. I was fortunate. But I know others are not. Many face homelessness, living with unsupportive people, the stress of daily life, work …. kids etc. so I know it’s not easy to really sit back and observe the situation if you don’t even have the time to do that due to life.

I think the easiest example I can explain this (which I have mention in this blog) is that at times the Entities will reveal themselves to me either in space (floating) or in my mind (eyes). The times that they have done this they would say my name or word suddenly and jolt/electrocuted my body or my chest to make it seem like I was scared of them when I saw them. I’m honestly not scared. I might be naturally startled, but scared and in the extreme feeling they try to create nope. Like they are literally acting like deranged psycho kids trying to scare me. And this is mostly due because I won’t give them the emotions or the play like I use to so now they are going on divergent levels of physical pain.

So that is an example of False Fear. I have been seeing the Entities for a couple of years now so I’m not scared of them. If anything I was curious because I thought I could figure out how to make them go away. But that was a fruitless endeavor for me. All I can do is discern and see them and document and share the information I have observed.

I don’t think people understand how every cell in my body screams when they are connected to me or around me. Like it almost literally feels like trying to squish multiple spirits in a body like a suit case that is overflowing. My cells and muscles make a crunching, snapping or release sound sone times when I stretch because there are smaller entities are attached.

It’s like being hooked up to an EKG or something, like the larger entity has all the multiple smaller entities attached to different parts of your body to give you the full on matrix virtual feeling but they are a miss. And their attachment hurts, essentially in the head.

So when you are say worried that a loved one hasn’t called you, (which is natural), the entities will take it a step further and exasperated the worry and the feeling and start saying things to like, “they are mad at you”, “something happened to them” and if they are attached to your eyes show you images/visions of your loved one harmed.

I’m not sure WHY THEY DO THIS! But they are relentless! I mean I honestly don’t understand why this entities haven’t gone away. I mean they are literally beating a dead horse.

And it sucks because I have to be SUPER MINDFUL of my emotions. Like if it’s an overwhelming feeling, for example they will give an emotion like I am in love with them which is FAAAAAAAAAAR from any time of truth, I will recognize it as what it is and let it roll by, what until it’s over, and KNOW that that feeling is false. But sometimes ones like depression or self loathing can be more difficult to shake. Like a week or so ago I literally felt the false emotion of depression/sadness and it took upmost The Who day to shake it and it didn’t go away until I mentioned it to a healer friend. Like I felt the release and it left my body, and my body just relaxed in a way I can’t fully explain to you.

So, be aware of your feelings, if you actually connect with it or if what the trigger might have been, ground yourself in reality and speak the positive in your mind (because worrying won’t change the situation and you won’t know what to do until you know), pray, and don’t give these demonic entities anything!

Why can I see them?

I often wonder why I can see these Entities and others can’t. I mean my friends can see them in EMF photos I take so I’m not TOTALLY crazy.

But I have not showed anyone super close to me the photos for fear of what they will think of me or that it will open them up to these beings. I honestly don’t want anyone to go through this. But if you are already walking on the weird side of life then cool let’s compare notes.

The first time I noticed them I was on the toilet and the voices were just yakity yacking away and I let out a big sign and I saw a clear circle in front of me ripple through air and tiny sparkles. I then focused my eyes on the space in front of me and noticed the circle in front of me. I breathed on it again ….. ripple in space. It’s almost like seeing heat waves off of the hot concrete. Clear but a bit distorted. That was the first time I saw them and how they are set up all around my house. I mean it’s everywhere almost.

From there I saw the dark energy blobs that are basically just another form of the clear circles. They can be either dark, white or clear. Then I started seeing their eyes and they tried to scary me chasing me around the house but I faced them head on. I smacked on with a bible for being near my sister. But I still didn’t see them completely only know that something is there. It wasn’t until I took EMF photos with the “long exp” camera app on iPhone did I actually see more of what they look like and then things started to make sense. Like how they line only my bedroom with smaller Entities. How they are pretty much all over the house. How they stand near the TV and why I would think their voices were coming off the tv. Still not sure how it fully works but seeing them near the TV makes sense I just assume they are connected to me at the same time.

Then I started to see them glow with their full outline seen by my bare eyes. Often when I would see them directly they will turn away. I’m not sure why. They had sunglasses on at some point. So there is something with me looking directly at them that they don’t like.

So what is it about ME that allows me to see them and no one else. Like I have pretty good vision 20/30 I believe. I’ve also slowed down A LOT (I’m usually a really fast paced person) so just slowing down and actually noticing what is in “empty” space could be another reason. They also choose to show themselves to me when they wanted to scare me. And I think it’s funny now. Uhm …. I mean is my pineal gland like super activated? I was trying to turn this thing off…. eating a regular American diet (which I’m more of a vegetarian), I listen to the kardashians all day because of my sister so that’s mind numbing. I just don’t know how. Is there a chemical in my brain that’s allowing me to see them?

What is it? Again this plateau is really frustrating….. I can feel them but can’t touch them. Her them but can’t figure out which one of the many Entities is the one constantly talking to me. I can see them but barely prove it. I mean unless your on the crazy boat like I am your mind won’t wrap around actually seeing this Entities in photos.

Part of me want to try ayahuasca again the first time all I did was poop a lot…. no experience really happened.

It’s like wanting to shake something off that’s stuck to you…. I hate the way my body feels with them. It feels heavy and in pain (severe migraines), or I feel like waves of creepy crawls on my butt, or on my vagina. It’s just sooo weird. What is happening to me? I got all these beings attached to me like a magnet and I have to carry them around. And I just want my body back.

Soon as I get my money flow this fall, I’m doing every possible detox you can think of! Gut detox,parasite,liver and then kidneys, then the gut again and then maybe a heavy metal detox and try to practice raw vegan one month of every season. Even though I got attacked when I was glowing up on my vegan diet I’m going back ……. and if they attack me like they did before then that will just be another data point for me.

I just wish I had someone I could actually talk about this stuff with to better understand. I feel like I have a super power that’s pointless. It’s like ok cool I can see them but I can’t peel them off of me….. so what’s the point?

Will the truth ever be revealed?

Seroquel Update

I’m on Seroquel 100mg once a day at night

Where I passed out the first night. It no longer helps me sleep.

I find that I am becoming more …….. complacent with talking back to the voices where before I was making a good effort not to talk back to them.

Complacent that’s how I feel on this drug.

My eyes are shifting and feeing like they are specifically being electrocuted after taking the medication at night.

I smoke and snack (but don’t like meals) more on this drug. My will is taken away and my ability to by satisfied is not there.

Dizzy

My hearing will become tin canny.

Hallucinations are all still there.

Monkey Mind πŸ™‰πŸ™ˆπŸ™Š

“Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil”

I heard about the “monkey mind” here and there in reference to meditation. I think I just assumed it was the normal “thoughts” when you are trying to meditate and your mind loops “make sure to do this or that , hmm I want coffee after this, my back hurts, ect” ….. very rarely I would get a random image.

After being attacked the loops became more subtle the visions more often and it was all with the goal of mind control. One thing the quote above doesn’t mention feeling. Often burns and pinches and buzzing and electrocuted….. feeling raped … either end ….. held down or harnesses or cuffs. Like someone held my hand or kisses me. There where a lot of feelings and then SUGGESTIONS by the Entities as to what those feelings were or what they meant or what they symbolized.

But essentially it was all a lie.

Where I thought there was a ring on finger was probably a astral parasite placed there by an Entity. The harness that forced me to sit up straight and was part of their “domination” fantasy was probably also a bunch of astral parasites wrapped around my body, because the wanted to “teach me how to be a lady”.

So I hear, see, feel, but TRY not to speak evil, although it is spoken to me…… lies. Lie after lie after lie after lie.

The monkey mind is real but I have a house party going on and I don’t know why or how to stop it even if I keep an “empty” mind, they just fill it…… with nonsense….. none stop talking about stuff that makes no sense. Stuff from tv in a different room, mixed with the title of an email from a week ago sealed with their normal sexual perversions. So I’m observing the babbling and occasionally will be like HUH? But will go back to just trying to an “empty mind” or pretending it is or just not engaging the Entities since they are completely insane.

There was a certain amount of monkey mind I agreed to or I thought was normal. The to do lists the getting things done ya know and then when the attacks happened and the house party happened I wasn’t totally aware what was truly MY internal dialogue.

There are spiritual concepts of “expanding consciousness” and I often wonder what is that? What or who or how is “consciousness” being expanded? Is this just another lie? Another trick to agreeing to allowing our bodies to being used until they can’t anymore.

I honestly don’t even see how these Entities can continue…… I can barely move some days. Again if I take a photo I can see ways in which I have been probed with their parasites and toy and tools and whatever else they use to do what they do.

I KNOW I’ve tried my best from many angles and I know I gotta be “patient”. But being stuck in the house because I don’t want these Demonic Entities to use little random children for pedophile shit in my mind is such a GRIM existence and I’m not sure if what I am waiting for will ever arrive. And I hear of so many schizophrenics who are stuck in the house for one reason or another for most of their life.

I once said something to the extent “It’s not how long you wait it’s what you do in the moments you wait.” This was to touch on being patient and intentional. But the things I would normally do in the “moments that I wait” I can’t engage in. I can’t go to the gym or farmers market …. lay out in a park for hours….. just take it easy until that next phase of life happens.

I don’t know how to cope or deal or heal with this one. All I have is faith that the demons are trying so hard to take away or condemn me for when I don’t have the perfect answer.

Big Deep Breaths! 🐨

Frequency noise

So I was noticing it was day time. Family had the TV on and NO high pitch frequency sounds were coming through on my ears.

For a moment once I looked for it it came though and then went away. But it wasn’t there.

So at night when the TVs are FINALLY off I hear high pitch frequency sound and then some times a ringing in the ears that sound super close. Not to mention the voice that is ALWAYS screaming in the background about some πŸ’©.

So what it seems like NO PEACE .

The Entities need a consistent flow of sound to bounce off of. Be that white noise, frequencies, tv, a fan, people outside. I haven’t had silence for 3+ years. I guess it’s to break me down mentally and emotionally.

Just another observation.

I have an appointment with the ear doc to see if this stuff has to do with with the migraines.

I was hoping the lithium would help me feel well enough to be about to go for walks but I’m feeling jittery, a little light headed. Sooooo…..

my goal is to stop Voices AND or get back to the gym and in shape. And idk man these pills are something else. Something has to give.

These Entities are Non-intelligent Losers

From a comment I made of voices:

I just called the voices “losers” all day yesterday.

Not because they LOST a game but the fact they are even willing to play the sick game.

I observed all the tricks, the triggers….. how EASILY they can hypnotize us into self hatred. And I am not impressed at all.

They lose because they are willing to win in the most horrific ways. To me it doesn’t show intelligence to make a decision but obedience or programming in the sense the voice are made this way and can never change.

No one in the right mind would find this fun or engage in something this horrific.

Stand tall!!! Don’t let them bring you down one once!!! It’s just apart of the voices sick game.

Voices Snapshot

I noticed my mom seemed kind of bummed out. She’s not the kind of person to tell her emotions so I figured just do something.

My first thought was to maybe tell my dad to do something nice for my mom via text. But then I realized I didn’t have my wifi number anymore. So then I thought I would get her some flowers, even though flowers seem lame maybe they will cheer her up. The voices quickly pounce on me.

Voice 1: I’m tired of this pedophile incest bitch……

Voice 2: what’s wrong with getting flowers for her mother? (This “voice of reason” recently emerged when I stopped fighting with them both. Really I don’t trust it and it’s no different than the other)

Voice 1: (screaming) Die bitch. Your mothers going to die.

Me: I can’t believe I actually have to listen to this shit.

So because I wanted to do something positive and nice I had to hear about how my mom was going to die for little bit after all of that.

I later proceed to go out and buy my mom flowers with my last $10, just to cheer her up a bit. She does so much not sure if she wasn’t feeling appreciated.

Imaginary Friend πŸƒπŸ‘»πŸƒ

I had some “the gruge” like or alien raptor visuals in the begining ….. But I laughed at them …. So oddly my visuals are not AS strong although I have like floating emojis around the house which are odd and visions of child abuse or which is terrifying or random photos of people. 

I guess I am more stern because of the auditory …. Speaking creates more of a relationship. So it’s like one moment the voices would have me crying from saying moms gonna die, then sucidial from a sick visual of child sexual abuse and then trying manipulate me back into a friendly demeanor by making jokes or saying they love me. I realized this was a cycle of abuse. 

The Reconciliation /Honeymoon phase is “The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation, disrespect, confusion, and may mistakenly feel responsible. Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident, this phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change.” 

The first time I was introduced to this was when my best friend in high school told me that her mom would beat her, and then clean her wounds and tell her sorry and it won’t happen again and do it again. I asked my mom if she could live us but she couldn’t. 

Once I found this habitual pattern of abuse…. As much as those funny moments are so important for relief to the constant verbal abuse… To love and not hate…. To laugh….. I sadly had to accept that these voices will never change…. And I can no longer enable their abuse. Nor can I trust any attempt to gain my trust. 

This is called trauma. Not being able to leave a state of constant distrust or being on gaurd…… Physically harms the body in itself as well as how I interact with others. I’m trying to simply be clear and stern about my boundaries rather than be become a full blown narc. But it hurts and its hard because this is NOT my true nature. 

Sans the sick twisted abusive stuff…. I have no problem having an imaginary alien rapture friend that remixes gregorian music, plays air ghost tic tac toe and makes decent jokes given a natrual break in communication and with out pain from them touching me is gone.

Yea…. I am liberal about being crazy.

Archon Name Calling 😒

Today was a little tough. I had to go do a task for my father. So it was going a little outside of my comfort zone. It started off as general pain.m, I could feel the entity tighten its grip around my neck or feel the pressure on my head and jaws and I tried to manage the back pain I always and only worsened with all the extra weight.

So I got some molten popped 4 got a coffee and hoped it would work soon. I started to study the outline of other people looking to see if they had the same as me. I only saw on a few people on the bus, but often they can turn sideways (the thin side) to not be visible like seeing an aura.

I also had the knocking tugging at my back outside for the first time. I never felt this outside before. 

Either, I pushed through the pain never sure of what I was seeing or what it even means. 

Then I wanted to share a snack with my mom that use to get when I was younger in the village called Pomme Frits, its like Belgium cut fries and all these crazy sauces so I thought it would be cute to share with her. Its in the NYU area on the city and as I walked through as I have many times before, this Demonic Archon started loosing its ever loving consciousness, and started doing the “child molester” play again. 

So I just keep walking, trying to get to first ave even though my back/ core felt like a noodle. I just kept walking ignoring it trying to breathe and just get to 1st Ave. 

Once I got to the bus stop and sat down I broke down crying. Because its such a gross game and thing to do. Like damn I can’t get some fries and chill one day? 

In some ways calling ME a child molester is an INSULT to my soul, to my core to who I know myself to be. I sometimes feel like its a cruel joke making fun of the fact that I am infertile because of PCOS. “You’ll never be a mom”, “you’re a child molestor”, “you heal no one”. 

A lady at the bus stopped asked me if I was OK I lied and said I was fine and thanked her. I was just over the day by then. I’m tired of being “strong”. I just want this over with, the voice, the thoughts, the headaches, the rape, the crazy dreams, done. 

The is no excuse for this torture.