ChosenΒ 

During an “episode”, I’m sure the first are always the meatiest…. How are scenarios, topics, themes, fears, voices, images chosen?

While I am dropping the demon perspective, I guess I am only doing this maybe… Prove that point. 

I have other fears. Like….. Trypophobia, you know the fear of irregular holes. That and mayo. So why was child abuse chosen as a theme?

Or why did it choose the ex (“twin flame”) that it chose, I’ve dated other men, and my longest was with my ex partner of 5 years who is transgender and we are still friends. So why not that ex? I mean there is at least 5 years worth of material there.

Why this time in my life? When everyone in my family was in a health crisis and my grandma and uncle passed away? Why now? Why not before? Why when I tried my hardest to keep my head above the sadness was I yanked down into its depths?

Why the goddess Isis? I studied mythology from both Celtic and Yoruba culture. And more recently Yoruba looking into the characteristics of Yemaya and Oshun.
Why when I looked up, spirit husband, djinn, incubus, the Entity said it prefers to be called and an Entity? And prior to that chose my ex (“twin flames”) name as its own. 

Why can anxiety be created in me, but I can not create anxiety? Why can the voice in my head send buzz and burns to my body, but I can not do the same TO MY body?

Why of all the amazing feats (over coming homelessness, weight loss, good job, paying studeny loans, raises etc) was then every thing undone? I stayed optimistic.

Why for every postivie thought or action, this voice negates it with something gross or disgusting?

How are these thing chosen? When there is wide range of emotions or topics to choose from?

I mean I have sun understanding of subconscious material. I’m not saying that the material wasn’t there, I’m saying who or how it is all chosen and weaved into some insane storyline?

Who or what has the choice? Cause I know I could not even phathom something like this. 

Clearing Energy

While the “energy” in my throat seems to have cleared. That means when I recorded it there were no radio static or blips. Also when I apply pressure I don’t feel the release as much. Also the strange rash that developed at the base of my neck cleared up. 

My vagina has not had the same affect. I felt the buzz and decided to record both areas but only had radio static sound in my vag. It only comes out when i record it, I don’t actually hear it myself. I didn’t try the top of my head, even tho its still kinda tense right now. 

Vagina is super curse. So lame. 😩😩😩

Why do I have radio sounds coming from my vagina?

Its like its crazy, but then I have all these confirmations that its outside or beyond me.

πŸ‘€ Illusions πŸ‘€

So I am laying bed, I have a black shelf above my bed and I stretched my arms out. I noticed my right arm and I was like “woa did I get a tan?!?”. I mean sometime you can get a tan on one arm if you hang your arm out the side of the car window.

Then I crossed my arms to the opposite side, and noticed the same thing happened. The arm against the bookshelf seemed lighter and the arm against the ceiling seemed darker.

So it wasn’t my arms. My arms never changed. 

It was the environment, the backdrop, the view, the perception, perspective, the framing, the picture.

But I brought my arms back down to my chest and looked at both my hands…. And they were the same.

I know who I am in any light or lack there of. Please do not assume my perception is a weakness.

Here is what I DON’T get….

So we are humans…. With a capacity for a wide range of emotions….. Some indescribable…. And if you are creative… Maybe you paint them, write a song, a book, dance them…. whatever…. 

You say that we are born here with this capacity…. And then told, that if you mourn the death of a loved one or watch a scary movie (anything sad or scary, or whatever you deem a negative emotion) you are inviting …. Handing over your life to some Dark Entity to feed off of? 

The fuck?

First of all some of ya’ll need to understand these things feed off your ignorance mostly. 

The “child hood fears” and “shadow work” is just the icing on the big ol’ ignorance cake, cause most of y’all don’t even know what the fuck this shit is.

Channeling this and invoking that. Is just playing make believe with these things. 

Now I’m suppose to be afraid to feel sad because some asshole demon monster alien is going to drink my tears out of a sippy cup?

Be numb? Afraid to express myself?!? 

Nope. Shits fuck up. I’m not with this program.

Being “positive” doesn’t mean we don’t feel sadness or anger. I think even putting ourselves in these traps of what TO do and NOT to do …. To create hierarchy…. And missing the focal point completely. 

3:00 AM AwakeningΒ 

Circadian Rhythm : “Daytime sleep will not compensate for loss of nightly ‘beauty sleep’ as the energy needed for tissue repair is not available during daylight because it is being used elsewhere.” As stated in this one article 

Melatonin is another hormone produced to help us sleep. Secreted by the pineal gland deep in the brain, it helps control body rhythms and sleep-wake cycles.Levels of melatonin rise as the body temperature falls, to encourage feelings of sleepiness. The opposite occurs to wake us up.

In one article they talk about HGH being released during stage 3 sleep. 

Human growth hormone promotes a healthy metabolism, enhances your physical performance, and may even help you live longer.

In normal healthy people, the major period of HGH release occurs during the first period of Stage 3 sleep stage during the night, about an hour after you first fall asleep. Stage 3, also known as deep sleep or slow wave sleep, accounts for about one-quarter of your sleep each night. Deep sleep is the most restorative all stages of sleep. During this stage of sleep, HGH is released and works to restore and rebuild your body and muscles from the stresses of the day.

Stage 3 Sleep

“There are 5 stages to sleep. 1-4 is non REM and REM is what we know as dream state. The body goes though about 4 to 5 cycles (of stages 1-4 + REM) at night. The first sleep cycle takes about 90 minutes. After that, they average between 100 to 120 minutes.

Stages 3 and 4 are referred to as deep sleep, slow wave sleep, or delta sleep. It is very difficult to wake someone from them. In deep sleep, there is no eye movement or muscle activity.

Deep sleep reduces your sleep drive, and provides the most restorative sleep of all the sleep stages. During deep sleep, human growth hormone is released and restores your body and muscles from the stresses of the day. Your immune system restores itself. Much less is known about deep sleep than REM sleep.”

Holistic Tips on Sleeping

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So what’s up with awakening and actually awakening you at 3am in the morning?!

So this was sparked for me because this mudda fuka entity keeps waking me up and shits annoying AF!

Again like in the spiritual communities everyone is like “oh if you wake up at 3am all the time means your spirit guides are trying to contact you.” “Oh 3am is a highly spiritual time”. 

Yea, well your bodiless “spirit guide ” picked the wrong time of day to be honest.

I was originally looking for an article that spoke about the hours between 11pm – 5am being the most important for repairing and rejuvenating the body. I assume that deep sleep along with the release of hormones, the body is able to do its thing properly. 

So these spirit entity whatever waking your ass up in the middle of the night so they can say BOO! Is not beneficial to you. You are being cut short of your time to rejuvenate the body and heal. Like if its a “hey how ya doing! I’m gonna look at your record collection over here” cool….  But if this constant haunting of 3:00 am is occurring then all the best. 

Some people are into it. 

I’m not one of them. 

This Entity over here saying that because it keeps randomly waking me up out of my sleep for no reason that “this is why you will never be a mom”. Shit doesn’t add up or make sense. Like if its a kid its a kid. Or even my sister. But this asshole waking me up for no reason other than to call me a fat bitch all day ain’t my cup of tea. 

Fuck 3am too! 

Illusion of Seperation

So!

Do not mistake “the voice with in” for channeling. Do not mistake your magic for the magician.

Often I believe that visuals of how we receive information. Stories, mythology, religious/ spiritual material, what people tell us, anything really.

How we receive this information may not be as intended. I mean the words are there. How its applied or filed in our system is another thing. 

We know our intentions. For the most part. 😞

Yea Yea Yea all is one. Ebb and flow. We effect each other. I get it. 

But in the spiritual community there are A LOT of imagery! We hold on to these in one form or another. 

For instance. “The voice with in” … “Your magic is with in” “contacting your “higher self””.

Why on earth would you be seperared? Fractured? Lost to find pieces of yourself in some dimensional hierarchy. 

What that is saying is that YOU are not perfectly made. Sitting with yourself means talking to yourself or something else… Some other part of you thats just been waiting for you to meditate?

No. 

People out here thinking they connecting with some divine God or Goddess, promise you that’s a big NAH. Promise you it ain’t your loved one that passed on. Anything will step in and give you comfort, meaning, a direction ….. For the mean time.

A lot of these concepts have this underlying tone that YOU …. YOURSELF aren’t able to make decisions for yourself…  Because you are separated. 

And if you think that….. promise something else will step in and start making those decisions or reconciliations for you.

I made that mistake. Not consciously. I wanted to know WHY did I feel different! Not myself! And it was because I wasn’t. I was being prepped, to be taken control of. 

You are not some little whispering voice deep down inside of you. You are not separated from yourself in anyway…. In this sense that the “higher self” is something to obtain through hours of meditation. It is making the best decisions for yourself/others. And being OK with and accountable for that. 

Now I mean for me…. As someone who has an “entity attachment” that has basically said it was every god, goddess, demon, alien, spirit guid, entity, cartoon character, loved ones passed and alive, even my fucking cat….. Anything under the sun. I can see where sitting down and shaking these “entities” off so you breathe and make a decision not based in anxiety. I get it. 

But please do not mistake your own guidence, your own feelings, your own true and whole authentic self….. For anything out here wanting to take control of your life. 

So lets groumd some of these concepts back into reality. Fuck that blue guy crumbling and being “rebirthed”. Fuck that orange and blue twin flame photo about divine love cause love does look like some flaming bird people. Its messy.

Believe me its easy to get caught up in the story. It could be anything. But don’t let anything catch YOU!

What Depression Looks Like.Β 

This poem is pretty much how I live right now. Only you add taking care of my sister as needed and my “depression” having a voice non stop. I tried not to cry.

Its strange feeling so disconnected from my “depression”. Because I’m fighting so much inside…. That I don’t care what I look like on the outside…. Or to other people right now. 

FUCK I was trying not to cry. 

Maybe this is what depression looks like. 

And I know exactly what it sounds and feels like. 

—————————————–

I brushed my hair today. For the first time in 4 weeks. It was matted and twisted together. It snapped and tore with every stroke. I cried while I washed and conditioned it, because I forgot how it felt to run my fingers through it. I brushed my teeth, too, for the first time in a week. My gums bled. My water ran red. I cried over that, as well. When I got out of the shower, I couldn’t stop sniffing my hair and arms. I’ve avoided hugging people for a while, because I never smell good. I always smell like I’ve been on bedrest for a week. I have no clean clothes, because I’m too tired and sad to wash them. 

Depression isn’t beautiful. Depression is bad hygiene, dirty dishes, and a sore body from sleeping too much. Depression is having 3 friends that are only still around because they have the patience and love of a saint. Depression is crying until there’s no more tears, just dry heaving and sobbing until you’re gasping for your next breath. Depression is staring at the ceiling until your eyes burn because you forget to blink. Depression is making your family cry because they think you don’t love them anymore when you’re distant and distracted. Depression is somatic as well as emotional, an emptiness you can physically feel. 

Please be easy on your friends and family that have trouble getting up the energy to clean, hang out, or take care of themselves. And please, please take them seriously if they talk to you about it. We’re trying. I swear we’re trying. See? I brushed my hair today.

By Katelyn Marie Lesho

Sister Sister pt. V

Today I had a brief conversation with my sister about long term plan….. Because right now we are only in crisis response. 

She had many nurses who came to the house but weren’t consistent. 

So my mom was tired of it and I just naturally stepped up because that is what you do. I just didn’t really expect to.

I had just got out of the psyche ward and wasn’t expected to take care of my sister. My mom told me when she was in the hospital for a heart attack after my grandma passed to “just take care of your sister”. I took this very seriously. And given my own circumstance I used every once of my sanity to take care of my sister.

I had to detach the disgusting thing that the was Entity was saying and doing to me in order to take care of my sister.

It would say I will never be a mom and this is as close to bring a mother I will be as I would wipe my sister butt.

It would then turn my sisters night calls into something gross and disgusting buzzing or burning my vagina and saying my sister turns me on, as I listen out to see if she needed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. 

I am at a place now where I think everyone can make a better plan. Because I cant keep doing this. Honestly, I’m not a nurse, its not my passion although if I wasn’t dealing with this Entity I would be more willing.

But I’ve reached my limit. 

For a whole year I begged everyone to turn down the TVs. All of them. All 3 TVs and my sister computer playing YouTube or Glee at volume 100 all the while I was freaking out in my bed and being schizophrenic demon possessed. I begged for a whole year! 

Often and especially in the beginning I felt trapped because I couldn’t go outside because I was afraid, both of outside and leaving my sister alone…. But then I was stuck inside the house with 3 TVs and a loud ass computer all going at the same time…. Along with this Entity, playing off the TVs and whatever else it can to gain attention. 

It really wasn’t until maybe last month or so my sister started being considerate when she woke up turning down the volume to a point my body didn’t tremble from sound. 

And that’s all I asked. 

I was asked to take care of my sister which is a big responsibility…. But I could not get my needs met because they werent as important or visable because I’m “able body”. 

So now I just give up.

Honestly my sister didn’t want the kind of care I was willing to give. She just wants some to open soda bottles and help her to the bathroom.

So now she can look for that…. Cause otherwise there is no point in me waking up ….. And she needs an aid to help.

But I just can’t any more. Its not her fault! 

Its not her fault that this Entity did what it did and I want to die…. Or I’m sensitive the TVs I or any sound really. 

The demon Entity would burn my vagina or buzz my vagina while I would lay in bed waiting and listening out for my sister. I would say “I hope my sister knows how much I love her.” To endure this. I was putting my needs last. First to this invisible Entity’s sick desires and games, second to my sisters, and then to myself. 

Today I tried to have a conversation with my sister about looking for an aid… Because I’m not a nurse. And maybe I just don’t have the finness to be able to get my sister to do the things she needs in order to take care of herself.

I however I have no idea what to do for myself. I didn’t take care of my sister because of karma points, but because its just what you do. But now the Entity wants to make me feel bad because I am telling my sister we need to look into what her long term care will be and not depend on me popping up anytime she wants soda. 

Honestly her leg has gotten worse because she’s not working it out like she use to and I can’t force her even though I tried. So maybe I’m not that person. .

Just more shame and guilt this entity will play on. 

But now I need to focus on myself. 

Love Gumβ„’

So I was doing a Ho’ponopono meditation and needed to kinda keep my mind focus so I didn’t black out (because of the Entity), or see anything crazy.

So I didn’t do the “white light” …. Like everyone else but I blew a love bubble around me… No particular color…. But the texture was like gum.

So I kept saying my Ho’ponopono (I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you) as I was prescribed to do. (Can’t hurt). But I decided to make the bubble bigger and bigger, then I visualized me stretching the Love Gumβ„’ in every corner of my house. 

The Entity was doing what it normally does being a negative nelly…… But I just kept my focus on my Love Gumβ„’ spackle and Ho’ponopono. Just the Entity took it a step further this time and started banging on the center of my chest. 

I was startled, more pissed…because it has done all kinda stuff to my body (as you may have read) , but yea the chest is not something that is done often.

So that’s what happened today. Check out the ho’ponopono meditation on YouTube or make your own Love Gum bubble. 😊

🌹 Forgiveness + Understanding πŸƒ

As I said before in a previous post. I didn’t do anything to deserve this. 

Much like people who have “done me wrong”, I try to understand them. I might “demonize” them in the beginning because I need to get out of the situation that doesn’t feel good, but soon at some point my mind tries to figure things out…. What did I do? What did they do? How can I do things differently in the future?

So now I am in a situation, where I hear and feel and see some “entity”….. But I can’t truly prove it (even with recordings someone will say its doctored), I can’t defend myself, and I’ve never truly seen it. Only images/ visions. 

I’ve tried to understand from almost ever perspective. I try to understand why this entity (much like the other people in my life, friends, family, lovers) hurt me. Usually this leads to compassion and letting it go either the issue or the person.

But I truly tried to figure this one out. Why I did this entity attack? What did I do to allow this to happen? What is IT? Why is this happening to so many people all over the planet?

The only thing is that…. I can’t let it go. I don’t know how to. And it will not let me go. And I just lay here waiting for that day….. And wasting my life listening and feeling crazy shit all day.

As much as I would like to say it was past life, or karma, spirit guide, awakening or whatever…. I can’t. Yea the each have been woven into a grand “storyline” to distract me from the main question.

Why did you hurt me?

Each day it makes less and less sense. And I just have to be OK with that. Because it never truly does. 

Update I posted in a forum:

“In forgiveness there must be understanding …. And through compassion from understanding …. Are we able to achieve true forgiveness…. Because we see ourselves in them.”
How to do you heal and forgive in a lie?