Ehwaz Rune

http://runesecrets.com/rune-meanings/ehwaz

Every so often the entity will flash some sort of symbol vision…. Or something. Prior to this one it was a pentagram …. Prior to that was an X which is Gebo which means gift in short . Few days ago it was this M which is Ehwaz rune means movement in short. 

I’m not sure if it is trying to play with my interests in symbols to scare me. Or actually trying to do some voodoo. The Entity also never really addresses them….. So there is a possibility that they come from some where else.

I also don’t see them play out in my life in any way. Of course the good shit wouldn’t. 

As I said before I like studying the symbolism and history or the icons, or images we use in everyday life. I mean even our alphabet is a version ….. So the fact that these symbols are demonized (lol even though the “entity” is using them) only limits us to fear. 

If you know who you are and your core beliefs then it doesn’t matter. Theologian read material that contradicts their beliefs. I had to read history in school which contradict my beliefs as well. Which is why I ended up going to a a college that practiced alternative pedagogy. 

ANYWAYS.

I’ve never seen “visions” like this prior to 2016 when thibgs got totes out of control.

Ah well. 

Thoughts on Thinking

I kinda don’t want to think anymore. 

I’m constantly at battle defending the purity of my original thought or intentions.

Its exhausting. 

I have no privacy.

When all I want is for my mind and imagination to dance.

I find myself quickly taking down my impulse to be imaginative because this Entity will pervert it. Punish me. 

I feel punished for thinking anything beautiful or positive.

Hot Tears

Cold fingertips

Don’t worry ’bout my art

They will read between the lines.

So what if I was the sun in female form.

Bless you.

Afraid to cry? 

So was I.

Sure. No. Sure. No. Sure. No no no no.

No. Please stop………… Please stop. ………….. Please stop…………………..

Hot tears.

Smeared.

Eyes and heart crossed. 

Mind put back into place.

Metallic body screams. 

Messages received.

I found your light lurking… 

In the corner of my eye.

Tried so hard to push you out.

I know who I am. 

I know who I am. 

If I know who I am, why do I miss me?

A lie, another, and another…….

So far down paths that may not lead back to me.

Of course!

Please leave.

Please leave me.

Leave me. 

ChosenΒ 

During an “episode”, I’m sure the first are always the meatiest…. How are scenarios, topics, themes, fears, voices, images chosen?

While I am dropping the demon perspective, I guess I am only doing this maybe… Prove that point. 

I have other fears. Like….. Trypophobia, you know the fear of irregular holes. That and mayo. So why was child abuse chosen as a theme?

Or why did it choose the ex (“twin flame”) that it chose, I’ve dated other men, and my longest was with my ex partner of 5 years who is transgender and we are still friends. So why not that ex? I mean there is at least 5 years worth of material there.

Why this time in my life? When everyone in my family was in a health crisis and my grandma and uncle passed away? Why now? Why not before? Why when I tried my hardest to keep my head above the sadness was I yanked down into its depths?

Why the goddess Isis? I studied mythology from both Celtic and Yoruba culture. And more recently Yoruba looking into the characteristics of Yemaya and Oshun.
Why when I looked up, spirit husband, djinn, incubus, the Entity said it prefers to be called and an Entity? And prior to that chose my ex (“twin flames”) name as its own. 

Why can anxiety be created in me, but I can not create anxiety? Why can the voice in my head send buzz and burns to my body, but I can not do the same TO MY body?

Why of all the amazing feats (over coming homelessness, weight loss, good job, paying studeny loans, raises etc) was then every thing undone? I stayed optimistic.

Why for every postivie thought or action, this voice negates it with something gross or disgusting?

How are these thing chosen? When there is wide range of emotions or topics to choose from?

I mean I have sun understanding of subconscious material. I’m not saying that the material wasn’t there, I’m saying who or how it is all chosen and weaved into some insane storyline?

Who or what has the choice? Cause I know I could not even phathom something like this. 

Law of Attraction ?Β 

Prior to this, I wouldn’t say my thoughts were 100% amazing. I mean I worried (mostly about being used), rarely got angry, maybe sassy, read a few conspiracy theories here and there never cared enough to believe them. 

Mostly tried to be helpful and “good”. And I would say a majority of my life was focused on the positive. Slowly allowing my self to reach my personal goals with out pressure. 

So what exactly is going on?

I’m stumped on this one. I am seriously at a loss. I’ve looked at every thought, every bad deed that I may have done and nothing adds up to this experience.

I’ve tried so many approached and nothing is helping much. So this is making less and less sense…. At the same time clearing out a lot of confusion.

Dark Web

A friend had inquired about the “dark web” on Facebook and people began to describe it. Someone said that you can use bitcoin to watch someone get killed. 

Sometimes I wonder if someone is doing something to me. I mean there is “radio” like sounds coming from my head, and next and vag. So I don’t know maybe someone has extreme technology to do this to someone.

As I said there seems to be a main “one” that kind of orchestrates the distant scream bubbles, the two talking on the TV, or a “set” which is like almost being submerged in an environment.

I thought if it is possible someone could do this to someone. Maybe I could find out how, and get my life back. 

I don’t know. I would like to think humans are better than doing something like this….. But then realized after reading the comments about the dark web…. That they are not.

I just don’t know. I just want it gone.

Just thinking. Which seems to work against me at times, because this Entity uses it for a story at a later time for its own entertainment. 

Clearing Energy

While the “energy” in my throat seems to have cleared. That means when I recorded it there were no radio static or blips. Also when I apply pressure I don’t feel the release as much. Also the strange rash that developed at the base of my neck cleared up. 

My vagina has not had the same affect. I felt the buzz and decided to record both areas but only had radio static sound in my vag. It only comes out when i record it, I don’t actually hear it myself. I didn’t try the top of my head, even tho its still kinda tense right now. 

Vagina is super curse. So lame. 😩😩😩

Why do I have radio sounds coming from my vagina?

Its like its crazy, but then I have all these confirmations that its outside or beyond me.

And who believed it?Β 

So, just now I looked at a mars rover 360 panarama photo of mars which is kinda cool. I jokingly said to myself, “guess no pyramids on mars” 

The Entity’s distant scream bubble (that’s what I call it) said “that’s right, that’s right, that’s right, that’s right”. 

Insinuating that believing that there are pyramids on mars is crazy. 

I said, “there have been crazier things said.” Insinuating this experience, and all the lies. 

The Entity said, “And you believed it.”

I said, “and you made it up.” Since you know people who come up with stories about pyramids on mars are crazy, so are the invisible voice that try to convince you of THEIR insanity.

Meh. 

The Divine Feminine?Β 

The only image missing here is like the Angel Goddess warrior one.

Have you noticed in spiritual forums, or like most inspirational quotes they are mostly like some young caucasian lady having some ethereal bliss like moment saying “just go with in”. 

Except ……… it looks more like years of tears and all of your insides spilling out and probably a few episodes of the Sinad O’Conner break down  …… And staring at your therapist never getting past a, “how was your day?” conversation. 

What IS the “spiritual” community selling with this idea of awakening like it’s DMT trip or finding “peace” ……. And what it really is …. Is loosing everything you love and ever ounce of sanity you thought you had left. And the world looks much more bleek…. As if you needed more confirmation.

In the same breath…. When you are having sick visions in a world where sick shit happens all the time …. Then Yea, escaping into some beautiful image helps (helped me), but can we get some more diversity?

How about a latina grandma on a sofa drinking coffee and telling you “fuck that bullshit!”. I don’t know I’m vulgure. I guess that’s how I picture myself. Only I’m not Latina…. Or a grandma… But whatever.

🌌 Dream State πŸŒŒ

So while the “entity” has “turned down in volume” in my waking life, it does omit the fact that it is still happening. I mean EVERY thought is turned negative. 

So its like EXAMPLE, I hear a cough, I scan the house to hear where its coming from, its my sister, the entity then steps in and maybe “suggests” that its attacking my sister so I am worried, then will buzz or burn my vagina and tell me it turn me on.

Another EXAMPLE, I am reading that my childhood friend just passed away, the Entity steps in and suggests that it was because of my Facebook post that he committed suicide. But he actual passed from addiction. 

Either way its absurd and these are the hurdles I have to jump.

It’s like any stimuli is manipulated into something beyond devient from my natural train of thought or essense of self. This happens 100++ times a day. It is exhausting and why I just sleep.

Then again.

So I sleep. I’ve noticed I have less… Uhm authority in my sleep. Tonight was yet another rapey sex dream. Since I have been yelling about rape the Entity now makes them more masterbation dreams which is strange instead of ceasing to do them at all lol its like it found a loop hole. I still consider it rape.

I’m not sexually active because of this thing. I think I might have masterbated once or twice this year. Some would say its repressed “sexual energy” but…. The same thing happened even when I fell sleep on the chest of someone I was seeing (and had sex with) last year.

My dreams were never like this. Strange. Empty. Otherworldly. Pretty. 

Now its filled with tons people strangers and loved ones always bordering inappropriate. 

This doesn’t include the blackbouts before sleep. Or the visions, now more so its not just visions, its this entity “chattering away”. Some times its even different voices women or men. But mostly none of it makes sense at all. Sometimes while I’m blacking out before sleep (which feels different than falling asleep), its just a series of these ramblings and sometimes I will be jolted out of my sleep because it is way off the mark, and I’m like “WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY GRANDMA?!?!”. Cause surprisingly this Entity disrespects the dead often.

Either way, what rights am I giving up when I sleep? Where do I go when I sleep? Who is actually remembering the dream?

I usually wake up pissed in some manner, because i feel violated, which a terrible way to wake up. Only to be greeted with another day of being violated.

So….. Yea.