I spent about 2 years+ so far in a meditative state.
This was me training myself. I did not have a guru. Youtube videos were not doing it for me. It was an organic way of just being aware of my what was happening. An observation of the things that were happening to me that i could not control.
I was being shown strong visions i could not control, my body was vibrating and convulsing, emotions i could not control and often did not connect with. I see aliens and demons floating around, orbs, sparkles. Hearing the most vile things while they try to convince me that some of these vile thoughts are my own.
It took observation and a slowling down to understand what was me and what was not me.
So an example would be i would in my room and i would hear my dad go into to living room. The voices/demon aliens would then show me a vision of a penis ( i have no idea if it is my fathers cause i aint see it and i aint trying to) and then say i want to have sex with my father. Now the awareness of my father being there, that is natural and me. Everything else is NOT. And it use to upset me to the point i would cry because i just could not understand why out of no where one day i am having these incestuous thoughts. But I had to realize they are not mine.
Even one day i my dad and i had dinner together (first time ever) when i went to visit him on the beach and i was admiring his big bright blue eyes and of course the demons aliens turned it gross and raped me there at the table (to make it seem like i was turned on) saying i was attracted to my father. When i was simply cherishing him.
Any attempt at building a loving positive thought was/is ruined. And normally that is who i am. I am the kind of person to tell a random stranger how much i love their outfit. (See update below) Lol at least i use to be.
So all attempts are to keep me from loving positive truthful thoughts. They have even recently twisted my thoughts trying to say i am attracted to my best friends boyfriend, and that is the “play they want”. But im not and i think he is great for her. But because i have a positive thoughts around him (for her)…… It has to turn sexual yet again with these alien demons voices. It cant just be that i think he he is great for her …. It has be taken to another level.
Its always taking it to another level. There is no simplicity with these demon alien voices.
They do the same thing with pedo thoughts as well. I love my godson and might appreciate how silly he is being and they just ruin it with a pedo thought. And I’m stuck there with a frown on my face.
So I noticed FOR ME that a lot of this is centeres around men/boys and my love and or appreciation of them and that being either turned sexual or sour. So with the men i ACTUALLY DATED lol the voices didnt like them and would give negative thought like they are cheating on me or think i am ugly ect ect. But for the men in my life who i appreciated and nothing would ever be sexual they turned sexual in my mind.
Again this is something i spoke about in my blog before. THE OPPOSITE. The alien demon voices constantly trying to convince me of the opposite of what something actually is.
They have done so much sexual vile disgusting thoughts so much and i have had less than supportive dating partners that i give up and i am Asexual at this point. I am overwelmed. Lol and its enough work sorting through the bullshit.
But part of the meditative state is finally getting to the point where you dont have to sort anymore. You just know its bullshit. You allow it to roll by. Its still NOT the life i want to live. But its better than giving it as much energy as i did before and crying into my plate everyday cause i just cant cope.
Much of meditation that i have notices is either creating a space like visualizing yourself at a lake …… Or nothingness. And unfortunately i cant do either. It is very difficult for me to create a whole space now like i use to. The alien demons have enough control of my consciousness to effect that or make it exhausting to execute.
And nothingness is impossible because when i close my eyes i see flashing white lights, “energy” lights flowing, other light beings/ entities, sparkles ect. Nothingness is impossible right now because my energy field is not clear. So alot of my meditative state was going from fear to curiosity (drawing and describing them), to just being ok with them there and letting it roll by …… For now. Again not being excited by the situation.
And sometimes they will give a false sense of fear or being scared. Its like an electric shock to the head or body…… Or false sense of anxiety as they get close to my body. But im like DUDES i see y’all all day every day for 3.5 years, you’ve shown me the most vile things one could see and cried till i cant no more…… I know for a fact that the emotions or anxiety that they where trying to get out of me was false feelings. …… Im not sure HOW they do all that they do….. But im sure they had eons to figure it out.
This is not to say i dont have any emotions at all. I recently became emotional about the child that committed suicide because ICE took her father. And it just killed me. I thought about her emotional state. I thought about how spiritually these entities may have got to her……. How the state (ICE) effected her. Just really upsets me when they get our children and elders. Just the state of the world in general is overwelming. And i allow myself to feel for that for a moment.
But i have this situation at hand to focus on.
And staying on top of that. And staying as “zen” as possible and not letting these alien demons take anymore from my life than they already have.
update: lol on my instagram this photo just showed up which I thought was funny since I just mentioned it here.