Strength

The more I realize my strength…. Immediately after the Entity goes in hard immediately after…. 

Strength…. Or weakness. 

If there is an emotional moment…. Then it also goes in as opportunity for abuse.

So just as much as I realize my strength….. I almost immediately afterwards feel drained….. Sad… Tired… Of doing this…. Tired of hearing this voice go all day long MORE THAN I DO! Lol it talks more than me! 

I’m tired. 

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“Shadow” as a compliment

Looking at this experience from many angles and beliefs….. I had this moment of taking it as a compliment.

While this… “Shadow” …. This “Entity” tried everything in its power…. And with in my own as well, to convince me I AM this …. And not that….. That I AM who IT says I am… a terrible person….. That I am something unknown to me…. But most of all I don’t know who I am…..

It had to use the every tactics to try and convince me or make me believe I was someone…. Or something I am not.

But if that is who I am then there wouldn’t be any need for convincing. I know where my delusions lie. 

This Entity had to distort my reality in order to throw me off my center and used the opportunity of traumatic life events as a point of attack.

The hate, the bigotry, the sexual distortion, the control, the rape, the dillusion, the torture, the lies, the manipulation, the fear…. The “darkness”.

Those are all things I would consider myself NOT to be. I’m not in any way perfect. I can not say that I have never in my life been dishonest or manipulative. But for a majority of my life I have tried to be conscious of such… If not hyper conscious. We all have potential…. Slip ups. But that doesn’t make us who we are. 

So the fact that this Entity (which NOW wants to call its self my shadow so that I will accept it as my own) used the OPPOSITE of who I know myself to be…. is telling. I am no longer interested in playing this Three Card Monti of “is this you or is this me?”. 

Telling to who I really am. And what I am not.

So I take this Entities best efforts in trying to destroy who I am…. As a compliment. 

It took many years of preparation I see. 

I’ve lost some people and some things that I love dearly. Lots of dignity in the process.

But …… I know who I am. 

More so than ever now.

Psychological Profile of the Entity

So there is a level of acceptance that I need to reach …… Everything I have experienced in the last year and a half and counting has been INSANE!!!! To say the least…. As I tried to report honestly in this blog. 

I have disassociate from the experience because it it was nothing but lies. There was no telepathy, no twin flame, I didn’t hurt anyone, I don’t know what exactly I’m “”paying” for. And it def ain’t the voice of God. 

So. 

Midigating my reality and this very dark experience has been ridiculously hard. Petrifying to be exact.

Many people believe that this experience is just some mental illness, its schizophrenia, or the subconscious mind. I’ve pegged it as a Demon…. Or whatever version of that you want to name it. As I’ve said before every culture or belief has some version of naming IT.

So in my observations….. And my recollections I can only throw the whole psychological book at this “Entity”.

I mean it manipulated me into trusting it. Stalked for years, waited for the right moment, the right cover, the right story, the right person to hide behind. It used fear, guilt, shame, humiliation and torture to maintain control. And I am suppose to believe this is just my subconscious mind?….. My ego “acting up”? If this is ego death….. Its was dead for years. 

This post was triggered because I saw the term “word salad” used in a video about Narcissists. I googled it and found it was both something people with “mental illnesses” do consciously and unconsciously. Wiki describes it as;

Word salad may describe a symptom of neurological or psychiatric conditions in which a person attempts to communicate an idea, but words and phrases that may appear to be random and unrelated come out in an incoherent sequence instead. Often, the person is unaware that he or she did not make sense.

Wiki also spoke about random and rhythmic as a way a “word salad” may be presented. Which this Entity does often. Rhyming with words off of the TV… Or randomly droping phrases to fish for a thought it can play off of or exploit. I believe the YouTuber who mentioned the term “word salad” was trying to speak to how Narcs divert from being directly questioned by using “word salad”…. Which leaves someone confused and uses it to their benefit in some sort of way.

Another thing is that, I know for a fact that there is only ONE Entity here with me (tho I could always be wrong) because one day I was wondering WHY was this Entity talking so fast. It was presenting itself as both a female and a male to maintain a storyline at the time but the speech pattern was extremely fast. So I came to the conclusion that it was just one.

Often when the Entity wants to scare me …. Or is bored, or wants to make me feel like shit…. It splits into another character(s) and starts talking about me …. Whatever the subject may be. That normally only happens “outside of me” meaning it doesn’t come off as a thought or telepathy…. But off of other sounds such as a TV. But it is only ONE Entity. 

Yea I know crazy.

So I’m sitting here observing this Entity play out whatever sick fantasy it has with me and trying to say it was my own. But I’m having a hard time accepting that. Because I know myself. 

My pseudo psychological assessment of the Entity is as such:

Narcissist: charming, confusing, liar, manipulative, demeaning, controling, abusive, lack of empathy, grandiose, entitled.

Obsessive: Constant thoughts, “suggestions” or urges of usually unhealthy or painful things. My ex (“twin flame”), eating, cigarettes, painful memories, fears or vulnerabilities etc. Also used as a way to control.

Personality disorder: Makes up characters or hides behind the persona of other people in order to manipulate and or “play”. 

Psychopath: has no shame, guilt or regaurd for another life. Abusive. Plots and plans to manipulate to what means I am unsure. Said it wants me to “commit suicide” or “make me go crazy” by means of torture and fear. 

I mean I’m now labeled as Schizophrenic because I have to hear this crazy shit all fucking day. I’m sure I have a few others such as obsessive, I mean I can be a bit OCD when it comes to gathering information… Or my art. So I can look at myself and realize those things. Also “dissociative” and or “depersonalization” are more recent because I can not relate to what is happening to me anymore.

I just don’t see how you just wake up one day like this. 

I mean you read Psych 101 and you will always kind of be like well Yea I have anxiety, or Yea I act like this when I’m mad… Or I do this or that sometimes. Whatever you resonate with. But all in all you’re fine and you go about your life. I mean none of this really popped up for me until last year and my life came to a screeching halt.

This Entity that is supposedly my “subconscious” is ABUSIVE…. Seriously its like being in an abusive relationship you can’t get out of. And I’m not one to stick around for that kinda shit. I’ve shadow worked, atoned for my relationships, I’ve questioned myself, I’ve truly looked at it from every angle possible. And have not found any true reason or justification for this Entities presence or being subjugated to this experience.

But alas I will observe.

But I will also fight. 

Spiritual Forum: Do “Empaths” divide?


Someone made the post above in a forum

My Response: I think in the spiritual community we tend to be a bit vague…. General …. Visual…. So if someone shares their story….. Yes it may “attach” to someone. Not some evil black slithering smoke coming through the screen. But if one is not strong spiritually themselves YES they can also be triggered. I would rather someone unload their burdensome darkness…. Then read half the fake news with insane images that I can’t even filter seeing on Facebook alone. So let’s not silence each other and call it empathy……. Let’s not say our own tenderness…. Our triggers are empathic abilities….. Because empathy is allowing each other to heal knowing how much that shit really and truly hurts.

———————————

I know in a lot if communities for me that was/is the Queer community often “trigger warnings” were practices in mosts posts as we know not everyone has dealt with their truama or there effects. This allows for people to be both concious of others as well as open about their own trauma which I believe is a good practice. 

I tend to practice this in my daily life. For instance I’m not going to talk too much about death, or my views of death, or too many triggering memories about my grandma with my mom ….. But I will listen. I might pick another venue for that because I know she is still healing. And people heal differently and it simply take a mindfulness.

My blog is abrasive and unfiltered and a fraction of what I experience….. But I have to put it out there…. Not because I want to “spread my darkness” but to release myself from it.

And yes “darkness” can gain inspiration from anywhere. I know mine has. Especially from those I love so it can “hurt more”.
But this idea that Empaths need to be separated ….. Is … Divisive. It keeps us more separate. Being “Empathic”… I would assume means actually being empathic for other beings. And maybe as “Empaths” we/ or they need to really look at the anxiety and precieved triggered darkness that they “absorb” from “everyone”. 

How do they know this is not their own darkness taking advantage of that beautiful soul… To keep us separated from one another…. To silence us…. And in turn silence others. 

Just scrolling through a Facebook feed is a machine gun of triggers. I know mine. They are the same that is in this blog. No I don’t want to read that article with details of a rape victim. I don’t …. Doesn’t mean I’m less empathetic…. But I does mean I know my limits. At the same time I respect that persons ability to speak out…. Unlike I did… And realize it is something with in myself …. “My own darkness” triggering the gore of such a traumatic event.

Don’t let our “empathy” divide us. Take care of yourself…. But don’t let that cut us off from a world…. Don’t let our own darkness … Or fear of it silence others who are removing the shackles.

I understand the both sides of the coin. 

Soul Sister

So I met another woman on one of the forums who story is WAY WAY too similar as mine.

I almost wanted to cry. I mean I found people with parts or symptoms…. But the exact same thing never. 

Hers was very similar in the sense that it happened after a break up…. She thought it was from her ex because the Demo. Tried to act like her ex (very twin flamish). She’s stayed away from him. She thinks he cursed her. Them the demon told her he loves her but also tortures her. 

She’s knows she is not schizophrenic….. And the fact that our stories if not the words are all too similar is telling. 

I am both happy and depressed. That I fell for it. I’m trying to help her disassociate the demon from her ex because I am pretty sure it has nothing to with him…. I mean sure it plays off the relationship…. But the longer she holds that thought the longer one of the hooks are in. 

Its easy to blame someone else.

A person…. Someone visible. Tangible.

Yes there is this little part of me…. 1% that wonders once this Entity leaves if he will come back because I know I will never contact him. But that 1% could also be the demon….. Because I know I still have so much to worry about…. Like my family…. My livelyhood….. How to make myself happy again. Healing…. Health.

Frequencies and Vibes

Ringing in ears….. Vibes…. Everyone has there own level and experience with it… Their own belief…. And their own way of coping.

We say just let it pass through…. Its the moon vibes. Some say …. Its cosmic energy…. Solar flares…. Some say its other peoples energy….. Some say we are raising our vibration…. Some say …. Its entities.

Since this Entity has been here so long (since 15 y/o I am assuming and can recall) I’m having a hard time believing that it is just about ones vibrations…. Or the frequency …. But only the fact we may hear them.

Prior to this I don’t remember hearing that high pitch soft static electricity sound that changes through out the day. I do remember being in silence once and wondering what silence truly sounds like. I’ve heard the Entity occasionally…. And still no high pitch sounds.

So um unsure how this all plays into this experience with this Entity.

Vibes? I’ve been happy and upset…. For a majority of my life unquestioned. But as for the most part I tried to have decent “vibes”… Mood or disposition towards people and myself.

But it really wasn’t until my life went south that the Entity went in for the kill…. It was the break-up, the moving, the loosing a friend, my family having health issues…. 

But I’m not sure exactly what KEEPS it here.

The one consistent thing is that this Entity lies…. All day erryday. Sooooooo….. Even my own emotions or habits have become lies. They are false.

So…… What exactly keeps it here?

I know its not apart of my body…. Because it can see in other rooms or is conscious of things I am not. I don’t know if it needs my body to perceive …. But if it does why would it treat me so poorly. 

I mean I guess I can understand keeping me in conditions to maintain control….. But alive, that’s what sick psychopathic pieces of shit do. But if …. The Entity IS energy. … Then why tf would it need mine?

This whole concept of energy, vibes, frequencies and what we think thtese entities truly want are changing for me.

Why is it still here? 

Sister Sister (pt2)

I told the Entity to “Destroy yourself”. Because it has destroyed so much of me. I don’t need to list the ways. 

It started going strong on the feeling of my ex (yes two years later) and then I said I wanted to kill myself because I can’t do this again. Even though it is quiet (sometimes) it still puts intense overwhelming pointless feelings in my chest… In my thoughts. I started to cry but then I got my composure. 

Then I was just over it (as I always have been). And the the Entity randomly put an idea that I should name my child (which in don’t have) my sisters name and she should die. And then I started crying again and I said “who would think that?!”…. And why would it even talk about having a child since it likes calling me a “child molestor” and saying “you will never be a mother”?

My sister is alive. Not in the best of health…. But alive. The Entity has also suggested leaving my sister and stop taking care ofnger because , “I’m not a mother”. Or has said “Put her away” which again idk what that means as the meaning has changed. 

So it got me back. 

Smoke and “Mirrors”

Impulses. 

This has been happening before but its was among soooo much other things. And while the other things have not permanently gone away this was highlighted.

Both natural and unnatural impulses are out wack for me. For instance the Entity will que the impulse to kick my mothers Dog. Never before have I ever wanted to hurt an animal. Maybe a cockroach…. Bout it. “Karma” in NYC is prolly fucked on that alone (jk). So that is a very unnatural impulse for me. I usually try to change it to petting or being annoying to the animal. 

But then there are “natural” impulses like mainly smoking and eating that has been extremely out of wack. It’s not the act itself as is the frequency of the impulse. So…. Yes I smoke. I mean I didn’t smoke a lot before ALL of this happened (2-4 a day). But the Entity has been both vocal and “suggestive” about smoking and at the same time reprimanding. So literally in the same 30 seconds the Entity will give the impulse to get up and smoke and then a few moments later to “not smoke”. If the Entity suggests me to smoke vocally….. It will say, “Get up and smoke so i can put this away.” (Idk what that even really means). If actually do amoke (suggested or not) it will say “will you PLEASE stop smoking!” Or some version of that. And really I’m over here chilling trying to watch an episode of My Little Ponies in peace.

So the fact that the Entity gives both the impulse to smoke and to not smoke is false sense of choice. Instead of the impulse never being there in the first place or set in motion. The same thing happens with eating even moments after I eat. 

Granted when this all first started I did not choose the healthiest vices. Smoking and eating but again…. I can tell even when my own habits are not me. Even as quiet as an impulse. This happens frequently. So it just feel strange….. And I don’t like it. There are other ones…. But these are just examples. 

So what do I do to resist? Stop smoking (although I want to) and stop eating all together? Fasting…. Again?

Just an observation.

Volume Control

While the voice of the entity in Volume has gone down significantly (no meds) but its “suggestive” thoughts are still pretty consistent.

Which is kinda back where I was before….. When I didn’t hear anything and was still asking the question, “why do I feel like this” or “this doesn’t feel like me”…… 

Not sure how this all plays out exactly ….. I also keep feeling this wave of fatigue…. Almost like the feeling you get when you know you are about to have the flu…. Only I keep getting that feeling over and through out the day. And it makes me nausous or tired.

But the Entity is still here…. I can still feel and hear him. I can still notice the thoughts that are not really my own…. Though I won’t say they are all easy to dicipher or that resist all…. Some are as simple as going to the bathroom. But as I said usually I know what’s mine. 

Just documenting.