Reading Rainbows

So one thing that has become more and more difficult other than sustaining meaningful and deep relationships is reading. I have never been a grammar Nazi or a book worm but I like reading a good book or article. 

Since this shit has happened it has become harder and harder to read anything as simple as a a Facebook post. I have to reread things because “the voice” / entity spirit thing “suggests” other words or concepts to fit into his “storyline” or just to make me feel like shit (either not being able to now read or switching up the words to degrade me). 

It’s already difficult scrolling through my Facebook but its my only source of human connection right now. So when words and images, debates are then “used against me” its just one more check on the list of things that make me tired. 

This first began when the voice/entity pretended to be my mom and told me to read the Bible, I tried and it started reading ahead of me making fun of me calling me a slow reader. It did other things as I read the bible but that’s not the point.

Something very similar happened when watching movies, listening to music or conversations. But because this thing can read ahead of me it can change words around. 

Point is that it is cutting me off…. Reading… Imagination_creativity, people, true emotions, safety, health, vitality, lively hood….. And I’m tired. 

Reading and imagination is how many people relax unwind express themselves. 

As I right this he says that he “suggests” words or ideas here or there…. To show he has control…

I never cared about control. 

 

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I will never understandย 

I am sitting here scrolling trough my Facebook, and just in the first 20ins, I have seen a meme of RKelly being called out for being a child molestor, report of a female teacher who had sex with her student and a child that was gang rapped live on Facebook while people watched and no one did anything or called the cops

Turn on the TV any other day and Doctor Phil is talking about child abuse or molestation and I am sitting her being called a child molestor all day everyday by some spirit, when there is actual child abusers out there. If anything I have only wanted to protect children to the best or my capabilities. 

Now as I write this the entity said, ” you are uncovering them”. But my logical thought is that if that is true then why would this entity want me to commit suicide? So its just more bullshit for this entity to run so it can insert itself into my life. Give false meanings. Confusion. 

So why am I (someone who would NEVER hurt a child) sitting here being called a child molest or and being told to kill myself when there are actual child abusers out there? 

Sometimes I’m strong through this ….. Sometimes I just break down and cry. Its not helping one either way. 

Some Facts

1. This voice / entity does not really matter. 

2. The voice/ entity wants to feel like it has control over me/ important through me. 

3. It has been with me since I can recall 15 years old (when I moves to NYC).

4. It popped out 2 times posing as ghosts of dead relatives. 1 time as a dead author and the final blow as “telepathic” communication with those around me specifically my ex (who thought to be a “twin flame”). 

5. It has only called me a child molestor when I have broken up and no longer in a relationship. 

6. It wants me to “go home” / “go to god” meaning it wants me to kill myself and have put “strong suggestions” to jump or take a lot of pills. (Which I don’t want to). 

7. It uses images of child abuse to control me/ break me to the point of suicide. 

8. It called me a child molestor to get me to quit my job and “remove me away from people so no one would care or remember me” essentially isolate me from what I love and who I love so it can force me to commit suicide. 

9. It trys to give a different meaning to everything I do. 

10. It threatens those I love. 

11. It is one entity that tried to act as many different ones (ie. Personification,  dead relatives, ghosts, spirits, angels, incubus, “aliens”, demons, or telepathic communication).

12. The only time this spirit entity was actually quiet was when I was about attempt suicide after “suggesting” it multiple times. The images of child abuse (to put it lightly) was a means to get me to the brink of suicide. It hides behinds images + ideas and sensations to make sure that it is unknown. The question I have are;

  1. Why is it trying to make me commit suicide by those means? (When there are actual terrible people in the world)
  2. What does this thing get out of it?

13. It always wants to “play” as much as it says “I’m not the one to play with”. 

14. It is everything that I am NOT

15. Says it has known me since I was a child but, visions/ memories are from a different perspective. And doesn’t know certain details like why I tried to commit suicide when I was a teen or the syntar song my mom wrote and sang to me as a child. 

    (Will update more later) 

    Awake

    I’ve used sleep as an escape. 

    Now it tries to keep me awake by showing me children with the fear of it turning into child abuse some times he does some times he doesnt. Either way he laughs at me trys to shame me ….. Says “I think you are starting to actually like it.” Try to humiliate me into being such. 

    I don’t know what I’ve done. I don’t know what’s wrong with this spirit.

    All I want is to sleep it away or for it to be completely gone.

    :'(:'(:'(🙏

    Questions & Opinions …

    I never asked anyone what they would do in my situation.

    Q: You love your job, coworkers, interns (teens), community, and one day out of no where a voice starts to call you a child molestor every moment of the day. What do you do? 

    I quit my job, because I couldn’t be around children while I was having this experience. I sought help, spiritually…. Medically. Nothing helped. But I gave up part of what I love, my identity, my creativity, my joy to address this. 

    But what would you do?

    Was I supposed to “preserver” as the voice has said? How do you push through something like that? There has been no end in sight. 

    Why me? As someone who adores children wants to create a world where they are safe…. Why me? As someone who was working with teens to make the community better…. Why me? I always wonder if I actually flipped my shit at my job (I suffered in silence for months hoping it would go away) when I look back and think…..  wonder if I really flipped my shit and went complete psycho and believed the dulluisions to the point of reaction? Its scary. But I left.

    The voice didn’t.

    Cookies 🍥

    I bought a cookie. The entity flashed a image of two Campbell soup looking kids kissing or something and I did my normal defense mechanism to make it stop and made the boy vomit and the girl get abducted by aliens/ sucked into the sky. Cause I didn’t want to see it anymore and I’m never sure how far the entity will go. Some times he won’t stop make the images strong the more I resist or more disgusting. 

    So I did that. ๐Ÿ˜ฅ yes FML I only been awake for 20 mins. And then the entity said. 

    “There is going to be a day where I make you watch pedophilia all day and then you will vomit, and maybe loose weight …. You’re still ugly”…. 

    So that was my morning. 

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