ChosenΒ 

During an “episode”, I’m sure the first are always the meatiest…. How are scenarios, topics, themes, fears, voices, images chosen?

While I am dropping the demon perspective, I guess I am only doing this maybe… Prove that point. 

I have other fears. Like….. Trypophobia, you know the fear of irregular holes. That and mayo. So why was child abuse chosen as a theme?

Or why did it choose the ex (“twin flame”) that it chose, I’ve dated other men, and my longest was with my ex partner of 5 years who is transgender and we are still friends. So why not that ex? I mean there is at least 5 years worth of material there.

Why this time in my life? When everyone in my family was in a health crisis and my grandma and uncle passed away? Why now? Why not before? Why when I tried my hardest to keep my head above the sadness was I yanked down into its depths?

Why the goddess Isis? I studied mythology from both Celtic and Yoruba culture. And more recently Yoruba looking into the characteristics of Yemaya and Oshun.
Why when I looked up, spirit husband, djinn, incubus, the Entity said it prefers to be called and an Entity? And prior to that chose my ex (“twin flames”) name as its own. 

Why can anxiety be created in me, but I can not create anxiety? Why can the voice in my head send buzz and burns to my body, but I can not do the same TO MY body?

Why of all the amazing feats (over coming homelessness, weight loss, good job, paying studeny loans, raises etc) was then every thing undone? I stayed optimistic.

Why for every postivie thought or action, this voice negates it with something gross or disgusting?

How are these thing chosen? When there is wide range of emotions or topics to choose from?

I mean I have sun understanding of subconscious material. I’m not saying that the material wasn’t there, I’m saying who or how it is all chosen and weaved into some insane storyline?

Who or what has the choice? Cause I know I could not even phathom something like this. 

πŸ‘‘ Your Crown πŸ‘‘

In the beginning of all of this. 

After I took the cleansing bath. 

The “Entity” said A LOT of things. I mean it still does. And I am usually sitting here with my head cocked to the side like HUH?!. 

Still trying to learn to ignore it because none of it means anything and even it it HAPPENS to make some sense by some mere coincidence…. Oh fucking well. Nothing was worth this experience and it was a waste of my life and time. 

πŸ‘‘ I was fresh out the break up in the summer of 2015, living with a friend, trying to keep my shit together. I was making sure to go to the gym more since I was bored and wasn’t biking to work as much. 

I remember this moment on the treadmill that I felt my head or what people would refer to as the “crown chakra” feeling it was “opening up”. I was a little worried. I had these strange “gong” headaches i even went to the doctor for, but everything came back normal. I was also worried that the IUD that I had gotten for extra protection with my ex was causing my blood pressure to rise and I went into Google Doctor mode to make sure. So I later got the IUD removed (as much as the doctors tried to convince me to leave it in). 

So this feeling on the skull that was just like my head was wide open. As I was on the treadmill had me a bit concerned. But I just went along and was pushing myself physically to stay healthy for my job.

In 2016 fell into the episode, delusion …. This “Entity” had already laid the grown work, prepped and groomed me. Already had attached this story line to my ex as my “twin flame“. As telepathy, the perfect cover. 

I was at my job and the “Entity” said in the voice of my ex, “Remember who gave you your crown.”

I had looked up why my head would be feeling like this. “Soul Star Chakra“…. “Halo / Crown”, ect… So many explanations. This Entity acting as my ex (“twin flame”) wanted to say he gave me all these things “crown” before being “initiated” and eventually “married” to my ex. This Entity wanted to “give” me all these illusions or hopes or whatever so it could take it away. And quickly put on what felt like an energetic “harness” to make me sit up straight and “act like a lady”.  

Another moment at my job, the Entity said, “she needs a new vessel.” Meaning, my soul, spirit needed to be in another body for my ex to love me. (Crazy shit I know.) But again this was grooming for the suicide it tried to force me into. Said I needed to, “Die for (my ex’s name) by means of child molestion”. So it was going to keep showing me sick images until I committed suicide. 

But things were sick, abusive, it didn’t stop…. It was constant…. It was crazy…. Scary…. Debilitating.

In retrospect, I realized that my crown wasn’t being given, but being taken away, or blocked as my life became extremely instable. 

I can’t say where it exactly began. But I know where thing got crazy. Which was 2016. Right after questioning and trying to stop this obsession with my ex that I did not feel connected to. 

I know I tried my hardest in all of this. Peeling back any delusions. And I will continue to try to resolve this in the best ways I know how. That’s all I got, with all I know.

But no this “entity” never gave me anything. Never will. Just some tricks and some lies, while it takes what it needs to give it self a reason to stay here. 

Sounds of the Entity

So ….. I have a bunch of recordings where I scanned my body or areas around me intuitively. Usually it was were the Entity hurts me the most.

Ears, top of head, and yes vagina. 

Yes I recorded my vagina. πŸ˜”

And the sound of the Entity is 3D… The material world… Sounds like a electro static frog cricket thing. 

A few times I caught it sounding like me (and I didn’t speak), or my ex …. nothing as eleborated as it does in my mind. But for the most part that’s what it does.

So if you are curious record the areas that you feel are being affected and see what you hear. 

I did it with my phone. 

It doesn’t help with understanding what it is.

But I am assuming that with out my mind, life or identity…. It only sounds like and electro-frog thing.

That’s all. 

3:00 AM AwakeningΒ 

Circadian Rhythm : “Daytime sleep will not compensate for loss of nightly ‘beauty sleep’ as the energy needed for tissue repair is not available during daylight because it is being used elsewhere.” As stated in this one article 

Melatonin is another hormone produced to help us sleep. Secreted by the pineal gland deep in the brain, it helps control body rhythms and sleep-wake cycles.Levels of melatonin rise as the body temperature falls, to encourage feelings of sleepiness. The opposite occurs to wake us up.

In one article they talk about HGH being released during stage 3 sleep. 

Human growth hormone promotes a healthy metabolism, enhances your physical performance, and may even help you live longer.

In normal healthy people, the major period of HGH release occurs during the first period of Stage 3 sleep stage during the night, about an hour after you first fall asleep. Stage 3, also known as deep sleep or slow wave sleep, accounts for about one-quarter of your sleep each night. Deep sleep is the most restorative all stages of sleep. During this stage of sleep, HGH is released and works to restore and rebuild your body and muscles from the stresses of the day.

Stage 3 Sleep

“There are 5 stages to sleep. 1-4 is non REM and REM is what we know as dream state. The body goes though about 4 to 5 cycles (of stages 1-4 + REM) at night. The first sleep cycle takes about 90 minutes. After that, they average between 100 to 120 minutes.

Stages 3 and 4 are referred to as deep sleep, slow wave sleep, or delta sleep. It is very difficult to wake someone from them. In deep sleep, there is no eye movement or muscle activity.

Deep sleep reduces your sleep drive, and provides the most restorative sleep of all the sleep stages. During deep sleep, human growth hormone is released and restores your body and muscles from the stresses of the day. Your immune system restores itself. Much less is known about deep sleep than REM sleep.”

Holistic Tips on Sleeping

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So what’s up with awakening and actually awakening you at 3am in the morning?!

So this was sparked for me because this mudda fuka entity keeps waking me up and shits annoying AF!

Again like in the spiritual communities everyone is like “oh if you wake up at 3am all the time means your spirit guides are trying to contact you.” “Oh 3am is a highly spiritual time”. 

Yea, well your bodiless “spirit guide ” picked the wrong time of day to be honest.

I was originally looking for an article that spoke about the hours between 11pm – 5am being the most important for repairing and rejuvenating the body. I assume that deep sleep along with the release of hormones, the body is able to do its thing properly. 

So these spirit entity whatever waking your ass up in the middle of the night so they can say BOO! Is not beneficial to you. You are being cut short of your time to rejuvenate the body and heal. Like if its a “hey how ya doing! I’m gonna look at your record collection over here” cool….  But if this constant haunting of 3:00 am is occurring then all the best. 

Some people are into it. 

I’m not one of them. 

This Entity over here saying that because it keeps randomly waking me up out of my sleep for no reason that “this is why you will never be a mom”. Shit doesn’t add up or make sense. Like if its a kid its a kid. Or even my sister. But this asshole waking me up for no reason other than to call me a fat bitch all day ain’t my cup of tea. 

Fuck 3am too! 

Illusion of Seperation

So!

Do not mistake “the voice with in” for channeling. Do not mistake your magic for the magician.

Often I believe that visuals of how we receive information. Stories, mythology, religious/ spiritual material, what people tell us, anything really.

How we receive this information may not be as intended. I mean the words are there. How its applied or filed in our system is another thing. 

We know our intentions. For the most part. 😞

Yea Yea Yea all is one. Ebb and flow. We effect each other. I get it. 

But in the spiritual community there are A LOT of imagery! We hold on to these in one form or another. 

For instance. “The voice with in” … “Your magic is with in” “contacting your “higher self””.

Why on earth would you be seperared? Fractured? Lost to find pieces of yourself in some dimensional hierarchy. 

What that is saying is that YOU are not perfectly made. Sitting with yourself means talking to yourself or something else… Some other part of you thats just been waiting for you to meditate?

No. 

People out here thinking they connecting with some divine God or Goddess, promise you that’s a big NAH. Promise you it ain’t your loved one that passed on. Anything will step in and give you comfort, meaning, a direction ….. For the mean time.

A lot of these concepts have this underlying tone that YOU …. YOURSELF aren’t able to make decisions for yourself…  Because you are separated. 

And if you think that….. promise something else will step in and start making those decisions or reconciliations for you.

I made that mistake. Not consciously. I wanted to know WHY did I feel different! Not myself! And it was because I wasn’t. I was being prepped, to be taken control of. 

You are not some little whispering voice deep down inside of you. You are not separated from yourself in anyway…. In this sense that the “higher self” is something to obtain through hours of meditation. It is making the best decisions for yourself/others. And being OK with and accountable for that. 

Now I mean for me…. As someone who has an “entity attachment” that has basically said it was every god, goddess, demon, alien, spirit guid, entity, cartoon character, loved ones passed and alive, even my fucking cat….. Anything under the sun. I can see where sitting down and shaking these “entities” off so you breathe and make a decision not based in anxiety. I get it. 

But please do not mistake your own guidence, your own feelings, your own true and whole authentic self….. For anything out here wanting to take control of your life. 

So lets groumd some of these concepts back into reality. Fuck that blue guy crumbling and being “rebirthed”. Fuck that orange and blue twin flame photo about divine love cause love does look like some flaming bird people. Its messy.

Believe me its easy to get caught up in the story. It could be anything. But don’t let anything catch YOU!

Hidden Place

If you can’t tell from the titles of my posts I am a huge music buff. Since all of this hearing screaming and lyrics all being directed toward some instance in my brief relationship with my ex (“twin flame”), I haven’t been able to truly enjoy digging for music as I use to. 

I mean I can listen to anything from trap to classical. 

Either way, right now the entity is at a volume say ….. 15% ish like it turns up on the TV at night when it wants to play. Or does that whole dramatic screaming thing. But the one that is (I think) is projecting all of this nonsense that’s actually attached to me doesn’t want to speak directly much now.

Just drive me insane with these false characters (idk I call them energy bubbles). While it trying to control MY THINKING and response. So it uses these other things as a way to distract me so that it can influence my response.

Same themes. Child abuse, My Ex, (are the most talked about) but also just plain old disgusting sexual stuff, death, illness, racism, threats. 

I mean I can take a dirty joke here or there but SHIT!

So now its in hiding again. 

When I found out it wasn’t God (I mean I knew that but whatever), Jesus, Alien, My EX, shit mother fucker ain’t even important enough to be SATAN.

So when I started asking WHO are you?

WHAT are you?

It started turning down in volume cause it done ran through everyone and I disproved it.

Now it wants to quietly run my show. 

But no fuck that it needs to go back to where ever it came from. It needs to leave.

I wish I would have recorded my body earlier but oh well. Like all this electric noises should not be coming from my head and vagina.

So I want to make sure this thing is GONE no more hiding and waiting after I worked so hard to fuck my life up. 

Nope GONE. 

Coward.

🌹 Forgiveness + Understanding πŸƒ

As I said before in a previous post. I didn’t do anything to deserve this. 

Much like people who have “done me wrong”, I try to understand them. I might “demonize” them in the beginning because I need to get out of the situation that doesn’t feel good, but soon at some point my mind tries to figure things out…. What did I do? What did they do? How can I do things differently in the future?

So now I am in a situation, where I hear and feel and see some “entity”….. But I can’t truly prove it (even with recordings someone will say its doctored), I can’t defend myself, and I’ve never truly seen it. Only images/ visions. 

I’ve tried to understand from almost ever perspective. I try to understand why this entity (much like the other people in my life, friends, family, lovers) hurt me. Usually this leads to compassion and letting it go either the issue or the person.

But I truly tried to figure this one out. Why I did this entity attack? What did I do to allow this to happen? What is IT? Why is this happening to so many people all over the planet?

The only thing is that…. I can’t let it go. I don’t know how to. And it will not let me go. And I just lay here waiting for that day….. And wasting my life listening and feeling crazy shit all day.

As much as I would like to say it was past life, or karma, spirit guide, awakening or whatever…. I can’t. Yea the each have been woven into a grand “storyline” to distract me from the main question.

Why did you hurt me?

Each day it makes less and less sense. And I just have to be OK with that. Because it never truly does. 

Update I posted in a forum:

“In forgiveness there must be understanding …. And through compassion from understanding …. Are we able to achieve true forgiveness…. Because we see ourselves in them.”
How to do you heal and forgive in a lie?

Frequencies

Soooo I’m bored and I started recording parts of my body with the recorder on my cell phone. (Yea crazy whatever could be worse). 

But I’m heading all kinds of strange chirps, frequency blips and radio-esq sounds coming out of the recording. But only on my upper body…. So neck up. 

A few of the recordings have some sounds on it…. One has my own voice saying “oh my god” faintly. But I never heard that said (in my mind), or thought it or said it out loud. So Yea I have few strange recordings and they all sound like radio-ish. Like the recording of the “frequency” is much lower than the tone or pitch that I hear (if that makes sense). 

But honestly I’m recording this shit and I’m like was I really going to take my life for a fucking radio frequency mofo? This asshole has the vibration level of a refrigerator. 

Seriously?

I don’t know. I want to test it out on someone else to see if they hear the same thing I do (since you know I hear shit). But I’m pretty sure my head area shouldn’t be chirping, blipping and making radio tuning noises.

I don’t care what it is…  Shits stupid and lame!

Question: Why did it contact me?

Why did this entity reveal itself to me if it won’t tell me, why its here, where it comes from, how it has access to me or got here or what it really is…….?  (!)

Like what’s the point now?

Like people, speculators, healers will give me EVERY reason in the world…. Some story to believe in…. To heal from…. To reconcile. But nah… There is nothing to reconcile. I’m calling bullshit on some of this. Abuse is abuse! I don’t care if YOU can’t see it…. Or understand it. Its spiritual energetic abuse…. With no reasoning.

If this was from a past life…. Can it just jump or attach to my mom or my ex like it keeps saying it will or has? Hmm that doesn’t make sense to make other people “pay” for something by using them. Hmmmmmmmm..

You can sit here and tell yourself that you’re being spooked the fuck out because of arbitrary “past life” if that helps you cope. But all we have is this life NOW. And whatever this is is trying to cheat millions of people out of their NOW.

So its here. They are very obviously here…. Whatever you want to call or visualize them as…… Terrorizing people …. Humans or whatever…. For what?

At this point its opinions are invalid. 

Annoyed, tired, over it.

Everything will be used against you

That means EVERYTHING.

Everything said, didn’t say, thought, didn’t think, do or didn’t do, seen or didnt see, believe or don’t believe will be and can be used against you. 

WHY? To confuse the shit out of you!

I look at (most things) things from its purest form. To understand.

I look at these concepts of karma, or past lives, or religion, or mythology, in its purest form was for healing and or preservation. 

Its when all this other stuff cones in a clouds its meaning and intention. 

Say religion/ belief of any sorts…. Is kinda the first form of science and expression of psychology.

But then comes power …. And you can draw your own conclusions from there.

My beliefs were used against me in this experience. Whether it was/is beliefs in the “spirit world” or God, morals, politics etc. Good or bad…. They were all used to my demise ….. For pain and torture. 

For instance this thing acted as my grandpa twice in my 20s …. I held this moment special… I thought my grandfather or papa legba was watching over me. Or something to that extent. It wasn’t developed thought as it was a passing moment. But it was this demon/ spirit/ voice/ broken part of my brain. Whatever.

To my demise (against me) because it was untrue. It was false. It was not my grandfather …. Or legba (both wore hats that’s why I was confused). It was a test of my nativity….. And I’m sooooooooooooooooooooooooo dumb. 

So I’m stuck here between truth and ignorance. 

Not a fun place to be. Its painful. Sometimes …. Often I wish for the dream……. the ignorance back. Obvious reasons. But what is truth? I’m not trying to burst anyone’s bubble…  I mean that can be dangerous with out proper preparation. But do we ever truly get to prepare for life? Sometimes.

Just trying to stay grounded and authentic.