New Age Healing Trap

So over the last few months I have been to healers. And I was REALLY HOPING they could help me with my situation. I mean they can see the astral or matrix and beyond what I can see remotely.

See I see the astral right in front of me. I can see it physically in the 3D world on people. Not remotely or long distance. I see the astral all around me. Connected to people, places (building/parks) and thing (cars, things in home etc). So I don’t know how it works for someone who can remotely view.

However I need help. and while I want to wait on God, the nature/subject of my spiritual attacks and the pain, makes me feel like I have to try everything in my my means to make it stop.

I have an alien looking demon octopus spider thing that is “spiritually” or better “psychically” attacking new through the astral/matrix both mentally (non stop fucking talking) , emotionally (instilling false emotions) and physically (migraines, sparks of lights and shadows, back pain etc). Now this thing calls me a “child molester” all day. And will even describe the molestation of kids in my life in some way. After it describes it or says something it will then go on to molest/rape me! And I’m not a fucking child molester and it’s gross 🤢🤢🤢🤢 and no one wants to hear about no kids stuff. It’s so terrible.

One of my “love and light” new age light worker friends went so far as to say “maybe I was in a past life”, like fuck OUT OF HERE! So she fashions herself as Skemet or Isis reincarnated, but I’m a child molester? She (like many others) had them call her one too, just not as much as I have. Does she think SHE was a child molester? Then she said it must be a generational curse from my bloodline.

Imma need y’all new Agers to puck a story and stick to it.

I know that I think child molesters are the worse thing in the world. And my best friend has actually worked with me on having some compassion for them because many were molested too and they are probably suffering spiritually because of these mast bobble head alien demon fucks. And I think because it is a childhood fear and I want to protect children (I said this since I was a child), it’s easy to attack me saying I’m the very opposite of who I know myself to be. And I think because of this attack the need to spectate myself from someone like that it is easy to lack compassion for them because I am being attacked.

Think about it. Someone who is not gay, the alien demon calling them gay or homosexual, and then because they are being attacked they over compensate by having hatred towards gay people. Either taking it to the extent they actually hate or harm a gay person.

Granted child molesters are 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢. But they are sick. I’m not sure if they can be reformed but I can still have compassion for them as possible victims while still hating their actions.

I aim my hatred correctly. These demon alien things are fucked up and gross rapists!

With THAT BEING SAID!

I went to healers in desperation. I figured they know more than I about this dark side. Light workers kept calling me “of the dark” when I would beg for information on my situation. I could not understand why I was of the dark when most of my life has been to serve people of my community I gave over 15 years of service. Try to find the flow of God, to make my God and my parents proud of me since I was a fuck up in my teen years. And now I’m just a schizophrenic loser who sleeps all day because I can deal with the pain of entity attacks or listening to these rambling demon aliens idiots all day.

So you gave these healers my money. Hoping for healing or a reasonable reason this was happening. A magician told me that my spirit was a truth teller taking night classes in hell to get over fear. Oooooookay. The that my friend paid for said that I was in a room full that looked like a ball from the 29s dimly lit and a Chimera came in and said he was going to protect me (my sciatica felt ok for a day before coming back).

The latest that I paid for said I had a spider on my back and removed it. My sciatica help so much better and I felt lighter walking, however the migraines came back so my guess is that the spider just moved to the top of my head at that time.

The latest healer said that the “male part of my spirit” feels hopeless and that no one can save him and that anything she does will not work. 🤔🙄 Then she offered me to talk to her husband who does this work and that it will be “life changing”. Soon as I stopped talking to her after a week the sciatic came back.

Anything I do is to get rid of these nasty entities that are attacking my mind and body. My life.

I feel so alone now. That last healer was my final dig at trying to get help. To maybe someone understanding me. I really don’t have money to waste like that. If the healer can not permanently remove an entity then they are not healing. I’m tired of excuses. And I have done a lot of work to aid this process.

And I am suppose to wait on the grace of God while these demons rape me? It doesn’t make sense. I’m suppose to have a relationship with God when I do t feel like God is here? Isn’t that a little crazy? Like how? When there is prof he is not here with me? How many times must I repent? Account?

I want my mind and body back. Simple. I want these nasty demons removed and protection. That’s it. Seriously these demons are HEAVY. They have weight energetically. It’s not easy or fun.

Ever have a day where you are walking through your normal routine and it just feels hard to walk or like you walking through water or lag? That’s what most days feel like for me.

I know a lot of people are learning. But I don’t think I should be giving so much money for people who are learning about this shit. And they should have advanced people they trust to refer you to. Just over this bullshit. If I was a healer my main concern is protecting our people and giving knowledge as to what is happening to us. Donation passed. Seriously if any of these healers got rid of these nasty fuckers I would be more than generous. Guess I gotta really go at this alone, God is not here, Jesus isn’t here, these healers care about the coins, and I am over it.

Religion/ Belief: It’s not fair!!!!

So, I have a very complicated view around religion. And I guess DETAILS of a “religious/spiritual” life.

I mean there are one so many different religions. Then on top of that Christianity alone has so many different sects. And it’s like one sect is like don’t eat shellfish and women wear skirts only and the other is like God loves everyone no matter what. And it’s REALLY REALLY CONFUSING!

Like beliefs and religion and spirituality it’s all super confusing. And then I have my beliefs and that is crossed with what I experience (which is being tormented by some demonic entity, acts like demons looks like an alien head on a spiders body 😳 yea FML). Like HOW DO YOU EVER RESOLVE ANY OF THAT?!

Is is demons that look like aliens, is it just disgruntled aliens? Is it occult black magic to make me lose it?

Like religion doesn’t tell you, YO you might encounter a demon that looks like a big headed alien or a fucked up teddy bear and it will try to trick you….. and so many new agey spiritual beliefs are like far out there that many times I just think it’s the crafting of people who have been dipped by these entities. But then that still doesn’t explain them and why they are here or playing with us.

Like seriously my whole belief system is honestly shattered into pieces.

This shaman lady told me that “my masculine side feels hopeless and like no one or nothing can help it” and that is why I am getting attacked and the masculine side is not protecting the feminine and that if “my masculine side BELIEVES that, nothing she does will work”, well that is nice to know $500+ later! Very convenient.

Even when taking these stupid medication, or spending my money on these shamans like all I have is to go on what i have seen play out in the past. But I still engage it because idk what else to do. So there is a part of me that hopes it works, while keeping my expectations low. And a part of me is like, if it’s medical schizophrenia, meds should work regardless if I think it’s some alien demon. And if it’s an spiritual thing, then who ever I go to for help should be able to just pluck these fuckers out whether I believe exactly what they believe or not. Because my EXPERIENCE is different then theirs. Like some distant healing shamans see these things are just colors or shapes, I see them as straight up crazy looking entities because they are all in my face in 3D. Like actually, not just on some “astral travel lucid dreaming tip” like all around me chillin my house like they pay rent.

And God and Jesus is no where to be found. Jesus’ name does not make them run for me. These assholes said they were Jesus when they electrocuted me mean and showed me a vision of a modern looking Latino guy. They think they are funny, I don’t.

These Entities broke my faith.

I’m being honest.

Like why are they able to do what they do to me? To anyone?

Why cant anyone who has “gifts” help me? Why can’t God show ME grace?

I figured no matter what I believe because of my immediate circumstance, that something ….. anything should work. I tried to cover all my bases.

Medication, holding on to faith in God as well as seeking assistance for people who supposedly know more about this stuff then I do.

Like I’m tired of getting raped by demons or whatever the fuck this thing is. And I’m tired of being shunned by all aspects of spiritual beliefs because my experience, which is all I have to go on, doesn’t match up with theirs. I’m tired of waiting on God. I’m tired of seeing these doctors that prescribe me a pill that does absolutely nothing. Like Benadryl does more for me than these antipsychotic meds.

And all these people push this situation back on me. Not that I am pushing it on them, but they always make me feel like it’s my fault or I’m not doing enough. And THAT makes me feel crazy. Just constantly doing and no results. I’m doing the best I can with what I got. Like people are experiencing this all over the world in various degrees mine just happens to suck more because I get raped and molested and these entities drain my energy to the point I pass out or never feel rested even when I sleep for two days.

So like what am I suppose to do? That is why people get paid…. right? They are the expert. If I sat there and tried to prescribe my own self meds then…. what do I look like?

And what’s worse is that this shaman said it’s “my masculine half” that’s going through this and my feminine half is rejecting him. And like this is all happening on a level I have no control over. So it doesn’t matter that I have kept my paths open. Or that there are other possibilities. There is nothing I can do about it.

And then religion just tells you to wait for Gods grace, or that you are a sinner and deserve this. And I’m like HUH? Like even “Gods favorite” was used as an example. Job right? Lost everything? So did he deserve it? Or like is a cancer patient suppose to sit there and just pray the cancer away? Or do you go to treatment?

Like it gets so funky and confusing.

And that is not even going into the hypocrisy of a Christians.

And if grace doesn’t show up in your life, then there is something wrong with you. Not the fact that socioeconomically the world SUCKS, or your body is just not strong enough to fight off whatever, or that accidents/ catastrophes just happen.

And that’s the same thing I am finding with these “healers”, if what they did doesn’t work, there is something wrong with YOU! Not the fact that what they did and took money for didn’t work.

I don’t know I’m close to just being agnostic at this point, cause honestly I don’t know shit. All I know is there is some big head alien spiders fucking with me and trying to ruin my life. That’s all I know for sure. And even that could be an illusion. Maybe they don’t look like aliens maybe they look like giant etheric PUSSIES floating around in the “astral”.

I’m tired of this.

Narcolepsy: Church

So was watching my church online like I do every Sunday (or Monday depending).

And all of a sudden the Entities knocked me out. Now the Entity woke me up at 3am and then at 12pm knocked me out mid sermon.

The Entities kept calling my pastor gay. Which I wouldn’t care if he was, but he’s not. And the Entities were trying to twist the word and Say Jesus worship is Satan worship. Which is another thing running around in the New Age/ Occult arena.

So it took me a while to figure out WHY these Entities were pushing me into Christianity in the beginning. In the beginning I believed in God above all things and Jesus as a teacher sent by God to teach us how to be better humans. However that is what the commandments are for. I did not believe that Jesus was ONLY PATH (new agey) and that he was God embodied to die for our sins, not so we can sin, but so we can be redeemed.

So I was an easy target for my ignorance.

The reason that these entities played God was so they could then disprove or then make it seem that there was no God or to make me lose faith in the feeling of abandonment as they torture me for the last 4 years.

It’s a simple bait and switch. My “spiritual journey” was at its essence trying to become closer to God and understand truth in this world of lies. And then my weird supernatural experience (caused by Entities /Demons) crossed with the crazy new age stuff I found online (which people think is spiritual) totally knocked me off my feet. And things got really confusing.

These demons are really out here trying to lure people further and further from God. To the point they are pretending to be God.

They will say they are the Voice of God or Jesus and then rape you energetically, torture you, take over your mind to the point you don’t know what is what, show you illusions so you keep running after something that essentially does not exist, because we want proof of something beyond us. Then make you feel as if God abandoned you and try to convince you there is no God.

And I’m like OK so the Demonic Entities that are TALKING TO ME, are trying to convince ME there is NO GOD. Lol how much sense does that make?

I mean the first fuck up was that they made was revealed themselves to me all. That was number one. And then THEY, these astral matrix-y demonic (acting) entities, are going to try to convince ME something doesn’t exist when in fact their mere existence was unfathomable in the first place?

It’s easy to get stuck in our immediate situation with these demonic entities. To think that is all there is. To constantly try to figure it out and blame it on new agey past life’s, karma, twin flames, not having our occult astral shields up, not doing enough witchy baths, government following you cause you went to a protest, not being of love and light…. some bs. Yea NO. And it’s easy to get into these concepts, when trying to figure out WHY AM I BEING ATTACK?!

I will be honest with you ANYONE can be attack. Sinner, the righteous, Good, bad and in between. What only truly furthers our attacks is IGNORANCE.

The lack of truth. Some of which we may never figure out and need to come to peace with that. We aren’t meant to know all the secrets of the universe lol because then that would make us God. And we are not God or Gods as much as we would like ourselves to be.

So be at peace with not knowing everything. Enough was revealed to us to know what these things are and that they attack who ever. Even Jesus in the desert for 40 days, and he is Holy!! That is how bold these demons are, they attacked the son of God, in hopes he would weaken.

So why not us?

Or a lot of us…… not all.

So know this. All of these theories. While they can help in the absence of faith to have something to cling to…… they can be VERY detrimental in the fact they can be skewed, twisted, ever evolving to get us to the point there is no God. The word of God is unmoving (well for the most part, minus slavery and stuff, BUT it says in the Bible that it must not be altered and those who did so at any point in time will face severe consequences).

You know what’s funny, is that I actually think a lot of the technologies that Target Individuals talk about exist in some fashion. I guess my point is that more likely they are NOT using it on you. Bob next door does not have DARPA weapons aimed at you and follow you everywhere you go.

But the devil knows how to get you worked up enough to think so. If you cant see through the lies then we are definitely doomed.

Man all I wanted to do is watch a sermon this morning. And I’m out here on my internet soap box.

I can’t trust the Voice of God now 😔

So there is a forum for schizophrenics that I am in and it is common for people to “hear the voice of God”. However, it usually comes with fear and persecution that has a negative impact on the individuals mental health or quality of life.

As I try to grow into the Word of God, and I listen to preachers (because it is difficult to read the Bible on my own with out it being twisted), I find so many on YouTube that call themselves “Prophets” and Preachers that hear the voice of God/Holy Spirit.

And I can’t help but question whether or not they are just having a “positive” experience with in “schizophrenia” or demonic oppression.

Calling yourself a prophet is pretty….. bold and presumptuous.

I mean I had a positive experience prior to schizophrenia thinking “my angels were with me”. I also had these Entities called themselves God or Angels on several occasions which would have been deemed positive and supernatural, but later turn south. And many pastors preach of a supernatural God.

But again, unfortunately, due to my experience i can’t help but be on guard. And wonder.

What makes them different than me? Other than the negative experience?

There are New Agers that have positive experiences with voices as well, and believe they are channeling different alien races or arch angels…… “spirit”.

So I am like ARE WE ALL BEING DOOPED?

Just being dooped in different ways?

To me this doesn’t mean that my belief in God is absent. It just means that I’m not sure that God just verbally talks to US. And I know in the Bible talks about God speaking to people. But usually that is very specific people.

I guess I’m into this idea of discipleship, understanding the word and applying it to my life as best as possible. Like a clean diet of God with out the hoopla.

But this supernatural stuff is really got me messed up.

I really don’t trust it, because it mimics many of the ways I slipped into New Age. And I am abused by entities to the point I can’t move some days. So how do I know it is MY GOD?

And I know there has to be better and more pure experiences than I have, my experiences can’t be the absolute, but it is just I’m really cautious and unsure who and what to trust spiritually.

Jesus and Horus Born on December 25th

I see a lot of people trying to draw ANY similarity between Jesus and other Deities. I saw this Gif Meme that was drawing the same birthdays as December 25th for Jesus, Osiris, Horus, Buddha. Which doesn’t even make sense.

Osiris is said to be August 24, Buddha between April and May,

The only references as being born to a “virgin mother” on December 25 is Horus Dionysus but again I feel like this is a stretch.

Like the first story I heard of Isis was that she found Osiris phallus and used it to produce Horus. Now more and more information is being written to paint her as the original Mother Mary. Which is kind of annoying. But ok.

I honestly feel like this is almost like Santeria/ Catholicism and how Ifa/ Yoruba religion was merged and hidden behind Christianity to preserve the knowledge and practice is their Gods. For instance The Virgin Mary (Christianity) is associated with Yemya (Yoruba) in Santería because Yemya is the Mother if All.

So why is Isis so important in America?

So for me all these associations are very similar to this act of merging their “pagan” Gods or culture with Christianity to preserve there culture in some way. While I can understand this act. Especially under the violent use of Christianity as a tool and or reason to enter into countries and colonize them.

I find it to be REALLY problematic in the most recent efforts of the New Age to appear woke.

I wonder if New Agers realize they are tools of the New World Order?

Meh that’s another post.

The most recent efforts of the New Age is to merge all deities with Jesus or “Christ Consciousness” is problematic because they are just ripping parts of religions they find cool or pretty or similar and remixing it for their benefit/profit. Basically colonizing religion/belief systems.

Shit is really getting on my nerves.

The other problem with this merge that is happening is that you erase the truth of that particular religion, belief system. Those Gods, and information is then lost. Whatever history, dates, information, ideas and concepts from ancient times are again lost when you do this gaslighty merge of belief systems. I’m a preservationists even though I am a pseudo Christian.

I grew up understanding that we did not know the exact birth of Jesus but we celebrated in this time because that is around the time the Star of Bethlehem would be have been in the sky. But it could have been done to preserve pagan feast days/solstices. I read that Jesus could have been born in January as well. That is known as the “Old Christmas Day”.

Either way.

All these merges and misinformation is disrespectful to other belief systems and dangerous spiritually in this instance.

“The Second Coming of the New Age” by Steven Bancarz

Part 1

Part 2

 

While “Mindfulness Meditation” did help me when I could not stop the voices from speaking a mile a minute. I went from a peaceful mind to full on demonic attack in 2016. Being an “observer” in mind when this happened was positive in the sense that I did not attach to the actual voices. I know what is me and what is not me. I am the one writing to you, occasionally the voices may make a suggestion here or there while I am engaged in my writing to make it seem like they have control, or as they just said “have nothing better to do”. lol yea…..

So Mindfulness Meditation helped (me) in the crisis, and differentiating myself from these Entities that want/ed to pretend to be me or anyone else.

However the New Age really slipped into my life through the internet, facebook.

I mean the first was seeing sparkles through my twenties and some website said it was Angels. and I was like aight cool. Then it was the reoccurring numbers (1111, 777). Then it was a couple of kookie articles about light workers and how we are star seeds and indigos, Then another article popping up on my facebook about twin flame and 1111. Again i read these articles with no particular belief in my heart (other than God), but these seem to have played out. Then the twin flame thing supposedly happened. AND THEN MY WHOLE LIFE TURNED TO SHIT (which is well documented in this blog).

What is interesting is that I actually studied and was deep in Ifa/ Yoruba (Nigeria) religion and its relation to Santeria and Voodoo in the Caribbean for much longer than I did any of this New Age stuff. I studied it in trying to understand my cultural history as a Black (mixed) person in America. And where I come from. But for some reason that never played out. I had 5 year relationship that meant the world to me, and yet my supposed “twin flame” was the 6 month relationship that did not have the same significance in my life other than making me feel insecure.

So why with very little influence or depth in my life was the New Age able to penetrate so deep?

Our culture (American) is definitely moving towards a New Age culture. Steve called it the “Starbucks Yoga” movement. And I will not sit here and say i did not idolize false Idols. I had a little alter to Oshun in my room for YEARS. Other than the sparkles and maybe one bad dream, I NEVER was attacked like this. (I can’t even get into how aliens and reptilians slipped into the whole hot mess!)

But I will say this Ifa, is IFA…… Ifa…. is not mixing and bastardizing the name of Jesus for its own occult practices and lure. To confuse those that are ignorant. To mold Jesus (and any other deity) to fit their agenda. Which I would say is worse because that is just straight blasphemy. I mean light workers… are just …… white witches? No? Be it light or dark magic it is still the same occult coin no? You are still working with the same energy just with different intentions. But these energies which are actual entities and deceitful beings. At one point or another.

Anyway. These videos are pretty good at breaking down some things. (Doesn’t touch on twin flame, or targeted individuals) but, New Age is hella complicated ….. and has you chasing “ascension”….. and deep in my heart i feel like its really not suppose to be this complicated. There is a clarity when you let go the New Age.

Steve mentions that most of us are looking for a relationship with God. And we get lead astray. The relationship is simple. It’s a relationship with God, through Jesus by way or the Holy Spirit. Do you know how sinful and dirty we must be to have to be twice removed from God? His own creation? The ones that chilled in the Garden of Eden with God? The God that only the Holist of Holy men were reserved to have a relationship with and yet God still found a way through his mercy and grace that we may still know him in SOME WAY.

That alone.

Now, i mean my life is nothing but reptilians and big headed aliens torturing me. BUT still to think about that is amazing. I mean even through my studies I was protected. I mean i would really like to stop being molested by these entities, and told the most vile stuff in the universe. But as I said before in another post they are the contrast. I might not have the Holy Spirit, but i know what is doesn’t feel like.

And again, just like all things… even Christianity pose false understandings of Christianity.

I really wish it wasn’t this complicated but it is. Because the enemy (reptilian, alien, demon WHATEVER) is out here trying to get us anyway it can.

It’s sad really.

Either way enjoy.

Black Girls Missing

I’m in the doctors office trying not to ball my eyes out. My Facebook feed has been nothing but young black girls abducted or raped and I just can’t keep it composed today.

I already pray for the protection of our children.

But then I wonder if I should pray for the transformation of those that would harm them 😭😭😭😭😭😭

It takes a strength that I’m not sure I have. I’m not sure what kind of prayer I would even craft to be effective. Or if it even would be. Human child trafficking is BIGGER than me and my thoughts and prayers.

I mean it’s a LOT of young black girls. And it honestly seems like an uptick in the last year or so.

Should we pray for these wretched people? Is that the key to this? Pray for the enemy, even though we know they may not be the true face of the enemy but a fleshy puppet for these demons to play games. Twist the minds of the weak. Generations of weak minds.

Is that the key?

That one child (15 y/o) that was abducted and sex trafficked was actually found!!! Which is rare and she was so fucked up from all of it she committed suicide.

It’s killing me.

Pray for the enemy? Pray that the demons that infest their mind be cleared and realized? That they turn to God for salvation?

Is that the only way to keep our children safe?

Why I wear a cross ✝️

So I bought myself a gold cross. Gold hoop earring. Hair slicked back in a bun. And I think with the recent trend in Christian faith (cough Kanye cough) I wanted to check in with myself. Maybe I am fake. Or maybe I’m gaining faith….. some days I lose it. Some days I don’t know what to feel.

Many wear the cross as a symbol that Lord Jesus died on the cross for our sins. And while I believe in the teachings of Jesus……

I wear my cross because I died. I died spiritually 100,000 times over and over everyday for the last 4 years. I don’t know if I died for my own sins or my ancestors or for pure entertainment of demons but there was a death of sorts. A death of innocences.

I thought hell was reserved for the for the afterlife. For actual death. I thought we had time to learn and to reconcile our mistake through out life. But I was met with hell right here on earth. Not the hell we as humans create no that destruction, although it is influenced, the chaotic and psychotic hell of the 4D spiritual matrix.

My body became a tomb of my soul. I watched thieves coming and going as they pleased in my body. Defiled my temple. My bed a coffin.

If I made I wanted them to be my own. Not the influence of entities. Some are…. some aren’t.

I can always look on the bright side. That’s what we do. We excuse our pain. Box our stories into neat packages that feel good to others. Say we triumphed or “learned a lesson”. And I exist in observation and mourning of the death of my innocence. My eyes can not unsee. I can’t unknow. The Entities won’t let me forget. That they exist and they can control if and when they want. And if not me those around me (gang stalking).

It is a marker for my cross to bare. Of knowing. Failing. Fearing. Ignorance.

But Jesus was suppose to have died for our sins. Probably because of ”tis fact. And maybe he did. But I am accountable for mine.

The only thing is I don’t think the punishment fits the crime. But I guess that doesn’t matter. When the wild dogs …… hyaenas are unleashed to devour there is no mercy. But we pray for Gods grace.

My cross is not a trend but a marker in my life. That I died spiritually in the flesh and I pray that I can be healed and resurrected and sanctified…… solidified with my body that’s here on this earth for a reason, protected.

I mad, sad, existentially depressed, grossed out by a world I thought was beautiful and where I wanted to help create more beauty….. more love. I am saddened. At a truth of an experience. I want it to be a trick of the brain now. I don’t want it to be true. But the illusion is real and not at the same time. And it has a grip on our consciousness……. on the earth.

And I sad. Sometimes hopeful. I try to push passed it. But reminded in my sleep …. dreams in my vision there is another layer.

I just hope there is another layer after this ugly gross one.

I need beauty in my life. Beautiful thoughts.

God Broke My Heart 💔

So I’m sitting here with a positive decision for disability case. I’m labeled schizophrenic now. It makes me sad.

I don’t know what that means for my future. Discrimination is real.

I’m not Job.

But I’ve had so much taken away, home, possessions, job, lovers, friends, innocence …….. down to my sanity.

And I gave it all up. I payed there watching demons and spirits going in and out of my body. Unable to move half the time. Being raped by demons. Shown visions of child sexual abuse. Voices saying I want to have sex with my family members. Watching my ex and rapist get married.

And all I tried to do was make the world a better place. To help others. I gave all my heart and soul to the world FOR God. To combat the evil in this world. The evil I didn’t even know was THIS real.

I never asked for anything from God. Ever. Just thanked God for the opportunities. For the love I got to experience. But this time I begged God to remove this pedo rapist demon out of my life. And not to jump to the next person, but remove it for all.

I spoke to soooo many spiritists, targeted Individuals and schizophrenics…. who all one day out of no where started suffering a demon placing these taboos in their life.

All I wanted, prayed for, examined in waiting was for this to grossness to be removed.

And it hasn’t.

I live everyday jumping over the voices saying pedophile things. I have to love and teach my godson about life with the guilt and shame of even having this voice in my life saying these things while all I am trying to do is love. Bring love, peace, joy, compassion, gentle lessons into this life.

And God hasn’t removed it.

I persevered!

And still. The thorn on my side. The worse possible thing. The idea of hurting a child. Replays at any opportunity.

I’m disgusted with myself even though I know it’s not me. It never was and never will be.

But I begged God to remove it. And God hasn’t. My bottom line is removal. Not sometime pedo, or a little bit of incest. GONE!

And I feel like a brat being unmoving from my position at the same time. But I can’t and will not accept this as my life. It’s not me.

God broke my heart. The one time I begged for God to show up, God didn’t.

I don’t know what that means for me. I don’t know why. I don’t know why God would let me suffer being raped by demons.

I don’t get the lesson. I just feel like a lab rat on all these meds which I never would have taken but I am desperate. I feel like there is this dangling carrot of faith in front of me to get to the prize and I just want it GONE.

And people will tell me it’s because I need this crystal or bath, I’m not praying hard enough or the right way, faith is not strong enough, I need to eat this or that way, I need to cast this spell, that whatever I have done (which has been a lot) was or is never enough. They persecute me like the demons do. That I’m not enough for God grace.

God broke my heart not showing up for this one. And I don’t know what that means for our relationship.

I really don’t know.