What I Want 🌿🌸🌿

  • Healthy mind, body and spirit
  • Married to a lovely vegan God loving man.
  • Doing God’s work.
  • Enough money to take care of me and my family (family unit and parents in their older age and sister who is disabled)
  • Just in case I case it is not implied cured of “schizophrenia”
  • Happy and joyous.

So disability as well as my therapist implied that they don’t think I am Schizophrenic. At first I thought it was because it was they thought I was making it up and didn’t believe me, but they would say I don’t look or act Schizophrenic, Schizophrenics aren’t suicidal, schizophrenia aren’t this logical etc.

As I said I don’t care about the label I care about getting better. And I don’t really want schizophrenia stopping me from getting a job or something. They said I have something with psychotic features. Which is still a scary title cause I’m not actually psycho but I have psycho voices in my head (Entities).

I’m not sure what this means for me in life. It all kinda sucks to have a label follow you around. Will this mean I can never work with children? Have a career in mental health? Or anything else that requires a background check? If I choose…

My mom pushed me to go the disability route. But I have been a financial burden on my family. I don’t have a choice in what I eat or when I can go out because of money. And I need more time to push myself and heal or figure out a way to heal this or if it even possible at least try. Natural ways too. Cause these meds aren’t doing much. The sleep med at least is giving me more deep well rested sleep which I appreciate. With these Entities I was stuck in R.E.M. Cycles so dreaming all night and being awakened all night and then I would wake up and eat a cookie don’t ask me why I just did.

Do the sleep meds are decent but the anti-psychotic ones are doing nada. Some just made me high.

Either way I want my life back. I want my body back. I’m fighting hard. But this sucks. I’m tired of the incest thoughts, looping pedo shit thoughts, looping thoughts past mistakes, looping thoughts about my wack ass ex from 4 years ago, like I barely have enough room to create my life and if I do breathe joy into my life here comes these miserable entities with their bullshit and looping thoughts and torture.

Am at a cross roads and I hope I’m going in the right direction.

Important Revelation: Heavy Metal and Spirituality and Frequencies

So since I can see the Entities with my eye I can see their energy most of them are attached to something metal. When I was in the children’s park they were attached to a metal statue, or the metal chairs. Buildings metal. In my home I see them attached to the metal shower rod, metal knife holder, an electrical hidden box. This isn’t ALWAYS the case but I feel like the main energy might be connected to something metal. Just a theory.

Now here is the next part. We are made of metal. We have aluminum, mercury, zinc, copper, magnesium, lead, arsenic, chromium, (while aluminum is not toxic, I the level in which it is presented in our lives it might be).

The sucky part is we are suppose to have a certain amount of metal like iron, zinc, copper and gold and stuff in our body, but I guess I can research that. But maybe having an over abundance of it makes out bodies (or maybe all of this aluminum) makes us like an antenna for these Entities who use or live on different frequencies waves. Light waves, radio waves, micro waves, etc.

I sure if together all the entities worked together on different waves lengths with they could appear almost real I bet.

I was attacked by these “entities” last night yet again at my best friends house because they don’t want me at her house because they want me miserable. (Good thing I stayed cause she ended up going to the hospital). But they held me down in my sleep and I head a deep scary radio sounding voice and when I awake I saw the Entity exiting the room. I can just see their outlines and that it is an Entity and not so much details usually unless I am close up or took a picture I can take my time looking at.

So this particular entity is probably working on radio frequencies. I’m not sure if they can change whenever they feel like it. It was just an observation.

But our bodies are like antennas for these entities unfortunately. A possible solution would be doing a heavy metal detox but I would only suggest this after tons of research on general detoxing and cleansing the body and knowing the risks of heavy metal detoxing cause you can get really tired from it and that is a sign you are over exerting your body.

More recently my good friend bought 10 Unit Tesla Coil Tower (from a Walgreens in Texas for $70 y’all wild in the south but ok 😳) and zapped herself and she said she can no longer hear the Entities any more. Now I will definitely update this piece if they do come back for he but I mean any amount of peace if kind of worth it at this point.

She just shocked her antenna, of course they went away. It make sense. But I’m not sure if it’s healthy or sustainable.

Therapy In Session

So I had a therapy session today and one I asked since I flagged for suicide because my voices keep telling me to kill myself am I flagged as an incest or pedo person? This had been concerning me all week.

She said no. She said since I attempted in the past that was concerning and the 800mg of Benadryl (which was an experiment to stop the voices) and the fact the voices keep telling me to kill myself flagged me.

I was so relieved! I mean who wants to be seen as a pedo! I told her that’s part of the reason I attempted.

Then I told her about my “hallucinations” and it slipped out I had photos and she said she wouldn’t mind seeing them 😳 so then I hesitated but I showed her the one above since that is the easiest to see and she said she can see where I would see it but with light and shadows you never know lol. I mean it’s a better response then I thought, and not enabling. So well balanced. Big ups to my therapist.

I mean you need to stare at it for a while to see it. But I don’t even see this one a lot or hardly ever. I saw it like once recently. And this photo was from July 2018.

Either way, I’m glad I’m not seen as a pedo in real life. Believed to some small extent. Let’s see if this Clozaril works. This one is required blood work every week. I doubt it will but got give it a shot.

Hey Man Slow It Down

These demon aliens would have had me running all over the place. Looking for clue like this was a scooby doo mystery (even though it kinda is). But when I first put my foot down and said I wasn’t going anywhere anymore. I wasn’t doing anything until I figured out what the actual fuck what happening to me that was when I saw them.

Although my mind was still racing with thoughts my life was slowed down. I eliminated enough triggers.

The first day I saw them and am pretty sure I blogged about it here, is I was in the bathroom and I let out a deep breath and the clear air in front on me rippled and tiny sparkles and I was like HUH! And I stared some more with what I call the artist eye which I can explain later in the comments if you ask. Basically I looked into space and focused more on the space in front on me and while I could not see details I could definitely see something there.

After that it was a wrap once they knew I could see them they wanted to scare me, and they did, and I got over it, and I got photo of them.

So they are definitely “real” to some extent. But not real enough. I can account for many times where they have sabotaged something in my life other than a relationship. Like once when I was in college I wrote a paper about how the spirit of Zora Neale Hurston came to me for my thesis paper and little did I know that Alice Walker already wrote a book on that exact topic. Thankfully my teacher believed me and I wasn’t kicked out of school. But plagiarism is a real offense. I til this day haven’t read that book. Lol. And I’m a huge Zora fan. But I know it was them playing with me.

They have their hands in entertainment. This includes books. I don’t know how but they do. Even one of my dreams looked exactly like a scene from the suicide squad before I went to go see it. The part where the Goddess witch was making stuff in the tower.

So I slowed down so much I see how they play, I don’t know how to be accountable in all of this because it is EVERYWHERE and in everything! While suicide may seem like the sweet relief I have a funny feeling it’s not. At least not yet.

So slowing all the way the fuck down I saw some shit that I can not unsee. I saw what was kicking my ass through life and I kept trying to make the best out of terrible situations. It became a life skill. I can point out who at this point in a line up of entities. That’s how much I slowed down. I faced them head on. I just don’t know how to defeat them. I don’t know how to get rid of them. I mean they will call in an army if need be, like they did in 2016 to jump and rape my ass for years. And honestly I don’t know if my ass has it in me. It’s like the boat it just a little steady and I’m not sure where to go or if I should go at all.

Should I swim, will I get sucked under? Again?

As much as I want to know all the wonders of the world, this SUCKS and I doubt I will learn much more other than these assholes exist. I’m here to have a 3D mutha fuckin life and eat some fresh fruits and be boo’ed the fuck up and be chillin and praise and do some good in this world before this body decays. πŸ™πŸΌ

I was bugging out because of a break up in ways unknown to me and I was searching for reasons why. Why was I feeling not like myself, why was I seeing this mans name everywhere, why was I having (false) telepathy (but accurate) with him, hearing his voice all the time, like I was doing anything to shake it cause it was not like me to be stuck on someone. Care about them ok, stuck and obsessed no.

So finally when I slowed down I found the culprits. I had to face them. Of course I had to be accountable for my actions. I could have been more graceful. But essentially they demon aliens told me the other day “the reason we picked your ex (false twin flame) was because he wasn’t that into you and so it was more humiliating and funnier” and I told them thank you for being honest. They kind of lost it because I didn’t feel any type of way about it. I mean he probably wasn’t knew where he stood with me which was not long term and I was looking for something long term. So maybe these beings pick up on his intentions and knew they could exploit that with me. Put on a whole production. And when I didn’t want to play I got raped and pedo shit.

Either way. That’s what slowing the fuck down got ME. I’m not really sure what the future holds. I know things can not go on this same cycle though. This shit is OLD. To still be talking about my ex 4 years later is mind boogling (in the way that they do) But whatever.

This is what Schizophrenia looks like

So in the last month or so my therapist has been telling me I don’t “look schizophrenic” or act it etc. for whatever reason I don’t fit the bill. Which is fine because I’m probably not because this is an Entity matrix problem but whatever.

Then recently I’m taking all their cocktails of medications and my friends and family are now telling me me “I lost my spark or energy” ” my eyes are dull” and I have low enough self esteem because I don’t feel believed by anyone “sane” that I’m really going through this, and I pretty much ate my feelings and cookies were my drug of choice.

So I lost 4 years of a weight lost journey because of this. I gained 100lb in almost 1 year. I did not leave my house or bed. And I comforted my self with sweets and zootopia cause I was being shown vile images of child abuse. (This was post sui attempt). It’s all I had the energy to do, since there were days I barely had the beefy to make it to the bathroom the energy was so heavy. I would feel dizzy, or nauseous. These feelings usually come from when the main larger entities are in the room. Or on you.

On a normal partial possession they use smaller entities with less (like the hairball astral spiders ) or no consciousness as a leash to connect.

I know this is off topic but this my journal and I am free writing. So 😊

Either way I already feel like shit about how I look. And how I feel. And being being believed. And it’s being highlighted now. Even though I plan to loose weight soon, not totally for how I look but mor about my health and happiness and I want to cleanse our organs and I want to see if that has anything to do with schizophrenia and or matrix possession.

The Matrix: Stick Figures

So another thing (among many) that I see with in this hell matrix that I am stuck in is at my friends house I see all these huge stick figures. Like heads with spines and then tripod foot. And I have seen them shoot off of each other as well. So one long “stick” or “spine” in the middle and then a small head on top and the two “arms” where it seems like arms would almost be. Maybe a little lower or in the middle. And and a small head on each of those sticks.

This feeds into something that I heard a while back that “reptilians travel in 3s” which may not be exactly true to the species but maybe to what is going on as most of us are only seeing in part.

Maybe I am seeing the bare bones of an entity before they can create a creature to scare anyone. And maybe these creatures are 3 parts to them. Idk I’m just thinking out loud. I was told I had 3 poltergeist on me before I knew anything was really going on for real. Just had a funny feeling like something wasn’t right. So I went to a psychic and she said I had 3 poltergeist 😳 cause my lights kept turning out and doing crazy stuff. Another woman a demonologist said my “spirit guide” pick up some new friends along the way. Some real assholes they are that is fo sho.

I have been more attacked at my best friends house like I was at my parents house in the beginning of all of this. They want me to run away like they wanted me to do at my parents. And it’s the same pattern. New look, new house same shpeel.

Of course they keep dangling the attack of my godson in my face. But that is not my choice that is theirs. And I won’t know if they are still attacking him is I am gone. They did they same thing with my sister when I saw them attacking my sister. Told me to kill myself or to run away and they won’t attack her anymore. And I was my sister caretaker during her stroke recovery. Same shpeel.

Either way. I think those stick figures accumulate other Astral parasite from the matrix and create a “light body” of sorts you can do a lot with it if you create it with the right geometry the right matrix. It becomes its own world. It’s where dreams are made. Illusions are created and eventually lies are told.

I wish the lie didn’t hurt this bad. But it does. It’s bad for the soul, the heart, the mind. 5 minutes of these astral demons playing around in our lives can cost us our lives.

The Devil is Predictable

That is all.

At this point. Between the regular old stuff, sickness, death, and what I explained as the me millennia games (twin flames, angel channeling, aliens etc )

The biggest one we are working on is the lie. If you think about it we went for the “tree of knowledge” and to know all like God all we got was a matrix of LIES. And there are SOOOOOOO MANY lies to peel back. Just when you think you got one peeled back then you got another. I

Said that Lucifer is an angel of light but the devil is in the air … like light particles. Again matrix. One larger bigger entity Lucifer and then you get satan then you get the devil then you get all the demi gods and all the many demons…. that work in conjunction with each other. In a hive mind …. that is one particular matrix. That is the best way I can describe it. And they are using new age to torture people and even religion. But have more recently moved to new age. And I see you and your bullshit. And if we are here to “wake people up” feeding them more bullshit is not helping anyone.

They have have a hand in our government, our spirituality, and everyday lives and I’m just seeing how this all runs and it’s sickening. I know there is beauty to this world and that there is a God and good in this world but I’m stuck in a matrix that does not allow me to experience that not matter how hard I try. It is quickly canceled out.

Everything just seems pointless and dumb now. And I never thought I would think like that.