My Symptoms (Voices) June Update

There is more but this is what I could update and condense in this email. 

So I’ve tried to document what my experience has been so in case there is anyone out there experiencing the same things. Can’t say youre not crazy (cause im sure thats how you feel) but you are not alone. Very rarely will they be the same themes exactly, but how did you feel? What games where you dragged into? 

I am constantly refining what my experience is. Because there are multiple “storylines” or games going on ALONG with my reality. Also anything can change on the whim of the entity.

If you even read all of this shit…. Idk. I’m just trying to make sense of the insanity.

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Symptoms: Just to name a few

Voice(s), spontaneously orgasming (rape)/ waking up horny rolling around in bed like a crack head, extreme headaches, lack of energy or vitality, extreme pressure in the body, jolts to the body, involuntary movement of limbs, abnormal heat in the body, sensation like someone is softly blowing or crawling on me, random images/ visions not of my own personality or likeness, hallucinations (shadows, sparkles, sensations and smells), “seeing energy”- swirly or lines, more frequent dreams/ nightmares, sleep paralysis, ringing in the ears (different tones) as well as white noise, something feeling off, paranoia, not feeling like yourself, Black outs, Bright outs (like black out only overwhelming amount of light), loss of sense of awareness/ or “self”. I feel like I’ve gone through every psychological disorder all in two years. 

The Entities List of Demands

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Levels of “Voices”: 

There are levels and volume almost. In the beginning the volume was at a 100 and I could barely do anything. My head was HOT and I felt like my brain was going to explode. Since it has dialed down to like 30. 

Will use anything to charm and appeal to you. Humor… Funny visions… Sometimes i would wake up to music in my head like i had headphone on. It will appeal to you only to soon turn on you and make you feel terrible. In the beginning acted as two separate characters a man (terrible) and a woman (good “sympathetic”). Yea no …. It’s one!

Distant Screams: usually repeats the same thing over and over again. Can be amplified by ambient or white noise. I would hear “Fuuuuuuuck Yoooooou”, or “I’m never going to come back again!”. 

Cast of Characters: This one is tricky. There are two levels. One is more intimate the other is general and makes you feel paranoid. 

  • Intimate: is usually loved ones, those who have passed (acted as my grandpa a few times). Or as telepathic communication between people. Can also parrot loved ones voices. Singular ghosts or spirits, spirit guides, gods or goddesses ect. 
  • Cast of Characters: Usually there is a paranoid feeling with this because it can be random strangers. So feeling like you enter a room and everyone is talking about you. Or said something about you when your weren’t looking. Even as though the whole spirit world is talking about you. But why would they do that.

Ambient Sounds: Can come off of ANY sound. So TV, Radios, hums, house noises, nature sounds, other people chatting or passing by. I went to the beach to “ground myself” and the waves were telling me to jump in and kill myself. Not the experience I was hoping for. 

You: The voice will also act as you. This one takes discernment. “Implanting ideas” through flashes of images, memories or actual words to steer your conversation or thought process. I also don’t fight it as much because its too much unless it gets out of hand or overwhelming. Can feel like racing thoughts etc because the Entity is trying to act like both you and itself. 

Grounding: For me I realized it was ONE voice, One entity (maybe apart of a hive mind) but only ONE with me. All of these character are not real. The reason I realized that it was only one was because it was talking Super duper fast when trying to be multi- characters (including me). 

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Games: Mythological, esoteric and religious beliefs, personal history, information skeeeeeewed and distorted.

Can sometimes “tell the future“. But not to your benefit like consoling. Told me it was waiting for my grandma (called her “great day” which was something she use to say) to die. I didn’t believe it and she did. I haven’t even been able to grieve that. 

Angel sparkles: seeing flashes of light and dark. I haven’t figured out a pattern for them. (Since I was young 15) also shadows a handful of times since I was 15. 

1111: “The wake up call” Synchronicities, master numbers, angel numbers, symbols meanings to everything. Everthing has to have a MORE meaning. “Spirituality”. (Received this since 11/11/11) but as the entity started to attack , I was seeing them so much they almost lost meaning. Just a lot in one day. 

Twin Flame: Third worse thing on the fucking planet, was the energy of obsession, lust, love, heart ache and pain but I did not feel connected to (at least not for as long as I did). The entity sounded and acted and flashed visions of my ex (so called twin flame) and assumed the “personality” of my ex and made it seem like there was telepathic communication (by parroting his voice) between my ex and I by telling the future like when he would call or foretelling a song he sent me by The Honey Trees – Orchards…. (Which i never heard of prior) Also used the personality of my ex to psychically rape me every night and pretend he put a black magic curse on me cause we broke up.…. But I mean my ex was an asshole but not pure scum like this entity. It continues to this day to use my ex against me/ hide behind him by saying his name 500+ times a day (obsession), memory or voice and relating my ex back to anything that I am doing, even though I’m am pretty much numb. Ceased all contact with ex because it was too triggering and I didn’t want this entity to have any more material on my ex. No relief yet. (Since 2015-2016/2017ish) 

IAM (Isis/Osiris): Said, “do you know who you are?” “You are 8,000 years old”,  was pretty much forced to say IAM Isis as a part of an agenda to weave the story line of Twin Flame, judgment (condemnation, shame guilt), and soon God play. To my understand the Entity wanted to drag me to the “underworld”, and given an “identity” I was given Isis so that the entity could take it away and given to someone “prettier”. The entity moved on to say this was Alchemy. And made it seem that the more that I agree to engage this game, that I might be rewarded. It asked me what did I want. I said nothing. It said i should want my ex (twin flames name) back. After both my twin flame (“supposed separation phase”), my Isis ID, (along with real things: job, home, money, friends, possessions, sense of self), I was to be be “purified”. But this “purification” was anything BUT, also engaging/ being forced into this process there was also Judgment for “believing” in Isis and I was told to read the bible and then forced into Christianity. But I was only being rolled into just another sphere for MORE judgment (guilting and shaming). Other archetypes and mythological and religious figures where also introduced and assigned to people in my life but not as important. I didn’t find the “I AM RA material” until much later down the line when I was trying to figure out things. I didn’t really finish reading it. There was also a sense of the entity “jumping bodies” or seeming like it can take over other people and stalk. Told me I needed to be in a new “vessal”, which was prep for suicide. (2016)

Past Life: I was told in the I AM game that I small part of Isis’s soul. And had visions of her. Then I was told that Isis was being given away to a prettier woman my ex’s (friend and or his current girlfriend). Now I didnt believe any of this, but again juat wanted it to stop. Once the Isis storyline faded away (but was still used occasionally to make me feel like shit), it went on to past lives. 

One night after work as I was reading the bible, and the entity came in and said that I am suffering because I raped 57 children in a past life. At the time I was working with teens, and the entity moved on from Isis and started calling me, a child molestor. Which literally scared the shit out of me. Because I was told I was molested as a child, before I could even understand what it was I  saw a 20/20 special in the 90s that said that the an abused child becomes predator. All I know is I remember that thumping in my chest. I just remember fear no rationalization just pure fear. I just knew it was bad.

I never had a chance to really work through any of that and don’t remember telling my mom that it scared me. But year or two later my father came back into our lives (after not seeing him for 10 years) and he had a break down and said he never did anything to me. I believe him but all I was left with was some teenage angst and this child hood fear of actually becoming one. But I had to move on with my life quickly.

I can’t even tell you the nightmare it was living in “child molestor world” OMG it was so gross and I can’t even explain the insanity that came from that. Tears roll down my cheek as i even think about it. Being called one, the visions of child abuse, being told I was one in a past life, being told I should happy my dad DID molest me (he didn’t), being told that my eyes were the window for a child molestor. Being told God is a child molestor because he watches his children have sex, Being told I should kill myself because of my “past life”. Just INSANITY and there was no escape …. I had no choice no matter how logical I was. It would switch and say a child molestor meant I am really a mother (I’m not currently one and sure I should after this shit). And I was dealing with this to be a mother. But quickly I was like you know what I’m ok, I don’t need to be a mother that bad we need to stop this process ….. And it didnt stop.  I was in the nightmare living it, sleeping it. Walking around hearing and feeling that you are one was too much. So I quit my job (with youth) and locked myself in my parents house, and tried to figure out what the fuck was happening to me. 

It took me a while to not be completely controlled by the fear the Entity controlled me with. I asked “OK if you know my past life, WHAT WAS MY NAME?“, like I wont be on anscestry. com trying to figure out what the fuck. No name given. Till this day…. It fucks me up, and to some level it still happens everyday. Even though I have identified my root fears, it still tries to make me feel ashamed for looking or being around children, which was never an issue prior to this experience. No relief yet. (2016-current)

We are our soul essence and no one can take that away. Ever!

I have found other women who have experienced the fear of child abuse (usually their own) as well but usually subsided. Where I found the most vocal men and women where in the “targeted individual” groups where people were very clear about these Entities try to do some sick shit to make you loose your mind. Much like I discribed above.

Opposite play: “As above so below”. The entity would say that everything that it was saying was “the opposite”, honestly this where I really fell down the rabbit hole because the entity would switch what and who was opposite and not opposite at any given moment to benefit other and my brain just couldn’t handle the fuckery. (2016)

God Play: “The lord is my shepard, I shall not WANT!” It would scream, the entity condemned me for “wanting” my ex (twin flame), buuuuuuuuuuuut that wasn’t really the case. It would say i want to get married and have kids so it could dangle it as a “carrot”. But I cant say that is what i’ve always deeply wanted. If it happened cool. Be honest what I really WANT is for whatever this thing is, to leave my entire being.

Because I do not and will not believe this thing is God. It has also tried to skew my view of God and religion. The entity has “suggested” that people who hear the voice of God much like pastors or what have you (same thing with politics), are only being manipulated by whatever this thing is as a part of an agenda. The entity complicates the idea of God and my relationship to God. 

My belief in God is pretty simple. I believe in God, don’t be an asshole all the time, try to do some good when you can, and everything else is speculation due to the flaw of man (too many secrets and to many lies). I believe there were many teachers (on how not to be an asshole) I just happen to grow up Christian. So I keep it simple, I believe in God.

Because I refuse to accept this entity/voice as my “lord and savior” it moved on to something it called “Gods Love“, which basically forced me into accepting that it was God for a moment. It did not feel good at all, it was almost like blacking out and I had zero control. (2016-2017 current)

Current: It picks up ideas, inspirations from my environment, people i meet ect, or what I read whether I’m aware or conscious of it or not. Everything becomes a debate with this Entity. It never EVER shuts up. And it also does this “was it me ornwas it you” on who had what idea. Also sometimes punished for having an “original thought”. 

More recently I have been blacking out for moments at a time. Last night i blacked out for 3-4 moments. Its not complete unawareness because there is thought/ theme there but I have no control (was looking into dream states). Because they are spontaneous and brief I can’t come out of it completely understanding it. It like words aren’t spoken yet spoken. But Yea. Also when this happens there is almost like an electric zap, singe feeling to it. Again that TV being turned off, electric spark. But I’m not sure if that’s just dramatic effects of the entity or its really fucking with my wires. 

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Themes

SexThe major theme has been sex, Not only going through my own sexual history and being made to feel guilt and shame (and actually trying to install that feeling since I don’t), but then SKEWING a sense of personal freedom in sexuality. I am NOT sexually attracted to children, animals or my family members in any way and the entity would try to make me feel or believe that I am. Child abuse, incest, beastiality, hyper/deviant sexuality is not my cup of tea. Surprisingly I’m “queer” and the topic rarely came up, although it did called a faggot or dyke a few times, it made fun of me for cutting my hair (forced) and say I look like a man. Or because I can no longer be with my ex (twin flame) I might as well become a lesbian again. It would also say its (the entity) is a man and only wants me with women. 

Says I will never be a mother/ I’m not a mother so I need to stop being nuturing (even though I have pcos and used birth control and protection to make sure if I ever was, it was with the right person .) Also says I will never get married but said I am spiritually married to my ex (twin flame) and I can never date or have sex again and I should kill myself for him. But has also said I am married to Satan. 😒 I doubt I’m Satan’s type. (Right)

Not only did I at some point feel watched during sex. The entity would include itself (either act as my partner or an observer). At least back when I had sex. Once it had no one to hide behind, it would force me to orgasm as I awaken out of sleep (rape) and never engaged in any consensual type of “energy sex”. It also made fun of my actual rape, and try to reinact it through sleep paralysis, energy rape, and anxiety in a dream.

Slavery/ rascism: racism, “forced racism”, slavery historically, would call people all kinds of racist names which is very unlike me, slavery (bdsm), was “energetically” harnessed and forces to sit up straight and cross legs and to be a “lady”. didn’t last that long and couldn’t cross my legs anymore as I started to gain weight from being STRESSED THE FUCK OUT. Wasn’t a major topic. 

Fear: Mainly childhood fear of child molesters, of hurting anyone else, death (which I’m not afraid of), suicide (which I won’t), death of loved ones, being shot, pinning my ex (twin flame) and saying/ giving visions that he will shoot me in the head, becoming ill and being told i will have cancer, addictions/vices, paranoia/ being watched, threatening my loved ones, saying that I am a curse and I negatively effect everyone around me, black magic (as if someone did this to me), sexual assault and abuse, uses “sins” as a way to latch on, running theme of guilt and shame. Insecurities, (but also “crushed” the things I liked about myself or things I had in order to build up to the “God Play”) “God giveth and god taketh away” type of theme attitude happening with this entity, homelessness (again, was homeless as a teen). 

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Healing: along with traditional religions I have also explored, spiritual herbal baths, a forget him spell, psychics, binaural beats, yoga, light workers, reiki healer, burned sage, shamans, psychiatrist, therapy (all with no relief)

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Researched: (most from suggestions)

(These are the different names of what I have been experiencing through out this journey). Angels (due to seeing flashing lights and sparkles), 11:11 wake up call during that time and seeing number everywhere (“ascension”), Twin flame, – (shortly after twin flame it was all down hill), black magic, thought forms, demi-urges, shadow work, Dark night of the soul, karma, past lives, dna curse, Incubus’s, spirit husband, Archon’s aliens, demons, possesion, fallen angels, jinn, ghosts, poltergeist, a changeling, a curse/ spell, divibe alchemy, kundalini, awakening, ascension, mk ultra, targeted individuals, elf waves, agenda 21, hive mind, schizophrenia, schizophrenia…….. Bla bla bla.

Cause I don’t know what the fuck is going on! 

Mandala Effect and Targeted Individuals

Just some thoughts.

Mandala Effect I wonder if the mandala effect has to do with “targeted individuals”. I mean I wrote it off as just people being misinformed. I mean our memories aren’t always the best. But there is also our “minds eye” or “third eyes” or “imagination” so when we are asked a question we access it in some way. So I wonder if those who believe something to be one way and not the other are under “mind control” as “targeted individuals”. Just a theory.

Gang Stalking. From what I read many people believe they are being stalked or followes by a group or organization. And while this may be true as a “target individual”, one I doubt they would make themselves so obvious. And two its a part of the “paranoid schizophrenia” “play”. In my own experience the VOICE  or Entity, whatever you want to call it…. Would make me believe it was my ex and his friends doing this to me. Then it moved to my place of work and it was my coworkers. Then moved to my home and almost everyone in NYC had something to say about me. Talk about gang stalking, how about about a whole borough “bullying” you? It was/ is intense to say the least and makes it difficult to go outside and engage the world like I use to. Once I realized this is impossible… For EVERYONE in NYC to be talking about little old me things changed. Once I realized it is impossible for my ex and his friend (who lived on the other side of the country) to psychic telepathic access to me to bully me. Things changed. Once I realized that THE VOICE(s) were talking too fast to be two different people things changed. So while it still happens some times…. I don’t believe it. It is just ONE Entity simulating this nasty ass shit.

As I said before, like I wonder if this how people get hurt or go crazy and hurt people thinking they are doing this shit to them, or suicide cause they are lost in some sick simulation overlay. 

Types of voices. You may notice both a pitch or frequency accompanied by a white static noise. Try ear plugs and touching certain parts of your body like ears or neck … Or affected areas or closing your body in yoga positions. The tones may change. But I pray that you not hear them if you are uncertain. The types of voices I noticed are as followed.

Main Voice: I’m not sure if some people are even able to get there. But once you get past the paranoia or characters or actual people that IT is hiding behind … You may find one voice. I’m not sure how that may play out for individuals because each have a different experience. But this is in relation to “targeted individuals” and the feeling of “gang stalking”. My particular Voice or Entity attachment…. Is intelligent, manipulative, obsessive, lies, I could say creative, but for this experience is absurdly abusive and inhumanly psychotic. May present itself as an archetype of authority, God, Jesus, Goddesses, Buddha, Ex partners, Bosses, Satan, Aliens, Angels, Parents, etc so that you feel powerless. Which in that moment may very well feel true. This “Main Voice Entity”, orchestrates most of the experience. The main voice may very well emulate YOU. So while its orchestrating it is suggesting you (light images, memories, or actual “subconscious thought”) how to respond or placing false feelings.

The Scream: This one often sounds like a distant scream that repeats over and over. Usually negative. May be “fuck you” or “bullshit” or “you’re crazy” “you’re ugly” or something that means something to you. Tends to rhyme. At one point I called it Rumpelstiltskin. But repeats it over and over again. This one also tends to be melodic. So you may hear music like sounds off of running water or other ambient sounds like a fan or humming of a car. 

Voice(s) / Gang Stalking: So this one is difficult. One, being paranoid is natural in natural situation. Walking down a dark ally sure. Stepping out of your house to get some almond milk in broad daylight…. Not so much. The Voice Entity is an opportunitist and will exploit any situation. So if you think your Boss passed you up for a promotion it is going to maybe you felt down or depressed … angry…. This Entity Voice will make you go postal… Hopefully not literally.

So my theory is that The ONE Voice Entity controls the “many”. The one that sings, the one that screams in the distance, the one that says your name randomly, the one that make you think people in your life are out to get you (but hey who knows), the one that makes you think your being gang stalked, that the TVor radio is talking to you, talking to dead relativites or people far away, The one that makes you think you heard someone say some crazy shit and they didnt, the one that makes you think you are taking to goddesses or aliens. 

I can’t say what this…. Exactly… But that is what I have realized for myself. It doesn’t make it any less debilitating.

This post is just on voices I could go on about the whole experience. But it rarely ever makes any sense. So as with “targeted individuals” while I can relate with the experience and can see it relate with other experiences as well (spiritual awakening “purging” “dark night of the soul” or Kundalini symptoms and “surrendering”ect) there is always that one piece missing. 

Who, How, and Why?

Soul Sister

So I met another woman on one of the forums who story is WAY WAY too similar as mine.

I almost wanted to cry. I mean I found people with parts or symptoms…. But the exact same thing never. 

Hers was very similar in the sense that it happened after a break up…. She thought it was from her ex because the Demo. Tried to act like her ex (very twin flamish). She’s stayed away from him. She thinks he cursed her. Them the demon told her he loves her but also tortures her. 

She’s knows she is not schizophrenic….. And the fact that our stories if not the words are all too similar is telling. 

I am both happy and depressed. That I fell for it. I’m trying to help her disassociate the demon from her ex because I am pretty sure it has nothing to with him…. I mean sure it plays off the relationship…. But the longer she holds that thought the longer one of the hooks are in. 

Its easy to blame someone else.

A person…. Someone visible. Tangible.

Yes there is this little part of me…. 1% that wonders once this Entity leaves if he will come back because I know I will never contact him. But that 1% could also be the demon….. Because I know I still have so much to worry about…. Like my family…. My livelyhood….. How to make myself happy again. Healing…. Health.

Smoke and “Mirrors”

Impulses. 

This has been happening before but its was among soooo much other things. And while the other things have not permanently gone away this was highlighted.

Both natural and unnatural impulses are out wack for me. For instance the Entity will que the impulse to kick my mothers Dog. Never before have I ever wanted to hurt an animal. Maybe a cockroach…. Bout it. “Karma” in NYC is prolly fucked on that alone (jk). So that is a very unnatural impulse for me. I usually try to change it to petting or being annoying to the animal. 

But then there are “natural” impulses like mainly smoking and eating that has been extremely out of wack. It’s not the act itself as is the frequency of the impulse. So…. Yes I smoke. I mean I didn’t smoke a lot before ALL of this happened (2-4 a day). But the Entity has been both vocal and “suggestive” about smoking and at the same time reprimanding. So literally in the same 30 seconds the Entity will give the impulse to get up and smoke and then a few moments later to “not smoke”. If the Entity suggests me to smoke vocally….. It will say, “Get up and smoke so i can put this away.” (Idk what that even really means). If actually do amoke (suggested or not) it will say “will you PLEASE stop smoking!” Or some version of that. And really I’m over here chilling trying to watch an episode of My Little Ponies in peace.

So the fact that the Entity gives both the impulse to smoke and to not smoke is false sense of choice. Instead of the impulse never being there in the first place or set in motion. The same thing happens with eating even moments after I eat. 

Granted when this all first started I did not choose the healthiest vices. Smoking and eating but again…. I can tell even when my own habits are not me. Even as quiet as an impulse. This happens frequently. So it just feel strange….. And I don’t like it. There are other ones…. But these are just examples. 

So what do I do to resist? Stop smoking (although I want to) and stop eating all together? Fasting…. Again?

Just an observation.

“Higher self” and suicide?

Hypothetically: Would the “higher self” force the I guess “human self” into suicide?

Would the higher self actually say “tired of looking at you fucking up”? Cause wouldn’t that ultimately mean the “higher self” fucked up? 

Just saying.

I guess I am currently in an ocean of terms, ideologies, beliefs and practices ….. Overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. Nothing fits just right. Does this belief make my butt look to big?

Yes. Yes it does.

Discernment has been so important. Because if I truly believed that this Entity was my ex, or God, or Satan…… I would not be here right now. And as much as I want to forgive this abusive being I also must remind myself of this fact.

Today yet another woman expressed having a very similar experience as I. I mean the white outs, choking sensations (not anxiety) as well as a voice calling her a bitch and saying “I’m leaving, I’m never coming back”. I am sure that’s the tip of the iceberg.  

This is soooo similar to the catch phrases that the Entity uses with me its almost scary.

  • “I’m fired” / “You’re fired”
  • I’m never coming back again
  • You will never see me again
  • I’m leaving / “Go Home”

These are just SOME of the catch phrases there are plethora of others depending on the theme or topic.

So why would two different people (women) on different sides of the world and from different cultures and with different symbols and language have an Entity telling them practically the exact same thing???

Hmmmm?????????????!

Por QUE!

I haven’t spoken to her directly to exchange any other notes. But Yea…… It is exhausting. I am glad she was able to position herself to at least stand her ground and know it is NOT her and she is NOT just schizophrenic……

As I said before I ….. I am (personally) where I have attributed all these “mystical” experiences (“angel” sparkles, shadows, spirits, telepathy, “voice of god”, aliens whatever) to this Entity. So…. My beliefs are kinda at a standstill …. But at the same time I look for information.

My only thing is does my exclusive experience with this Entity emulating them mean…. They do not exist? That’s why I try not impose of people too much. I mean whatever gets you through the day. But at the same time I’m about truth AND safety and when those things are compromised…… On a fundamental level….. The “self”….. What do you do other than hold space for each other? 

Allow one to draw their own conclusions with out imposing too much…..

Evolution? 

Late night thought.

As much as I want to trust….. That everything is for the better. And in my previous post as I said before in others people are having all these strange “symptoms” mine just happens to have an annoying voice attached to it. 

And we are all sitting here thinking …. Or hoping it is for the better…. For humanity and upgrade….. 

Have you ever thought this is actually a de-evolution? 

I don’t feel any better….. I feel like shit actually. 

I’m not trying to come from a place of fear…. But just pose the question. I mean there is life….. Which is already hard to deal with and then there is ……. This.

I’m just trying to figure out if my head is the clouds or up my ass. 

I think its important look at this. I mean society isn’t getting any better. Cops are shooting black kids. Racists are trying to “make america great again”, people are hurting our children and for some strange reason there is still hunger in the world. 

And we try soooooooooo fucking hard to combat that …. Some of us. We do. We try to combat the poison in our environment, minds, bodies. And now at the same time we have to deal with these “symptoms” that are some how an upgrade?

And what if I eat too many cookies and forget to meditate …. Too bad upgrade gone?

The fuck is going on? 

“Robert Bruce 2 | Psychic Self Defense, Removing Entities, Angelic Guidance | EODR 37”

Kinda crazy…. Kinda interesting. 

When I was listening to this podcast they talked about “Remote Viewing” and I was bought to one of the days this all kind of sparked off December 25 2015. 

My ex (false twin flame) had send a general “happy Xmas text” and for some reason I instantly became faint and had to lay down. As I was laying down awake I had a vision of my Ex’s best friend (who apparently a healer) looking down at me and smoking weed. I had never had anything like this happen before. So I started looking it up. That’s when I found that it may be possible for someone to “remote view” you through a crystal or third eye. So I kinda freaked out bought some protection crystals and went about my life.

If someone was remote viewing me…. Why would I remote view her back? If this woman is a healer why would this situation decline to such a derogatory state? If both my Ex and his best friend did anything why would they even reveal themselves to me or let me know they are doing it? If you are trying to rock someone world remotely I would only assume you would want to keep it a secret. 

This Entity needed people and a story to hide behind. And unfortunately this is probably how people loose their ever loving minds and flip out and hurt people. Fortunately I’ve maintained my cool…… Considering.

There was also a part of the podcast that talked about generation/DNA Entity attachments. Which I have also tested this theory. I was completely honest with my parents about what I was hearing and neither my mother or father ever experienced it. I think my mom might have had an altered state once when she was reading the bible. But nothing like THIS. Also the Entity knows very little about my family members and any information is from my own knowing. Also memories from my childhood are piecemealed and distorted. So say for instance I remember the feeling of the day I woke up early in the morning to go play in the fog because it felt magical…. The entity shows the image of me from an outside perspective so I was seeing myself… I remember seeing my feet on the concrete trying to run over to the grassy area. The rest of any details were made up to make it seem like it had been there this whole time. Which it has not.

So nope….. No twin flame vengeance, No generational curse, Def no past life bullshit….. And I have NO idea what would warrent this as Karma…… So what is it?

Plain old evil…. Using whatever lie to get you believe its real and the more you believe its real the more “power” it has…. And can position itself in control. And ultimately take your precious life? Or worse someone else’s?

It saddens me if it is this kind of tourment that drives people to hurt their own kids or loved ones. Believing they are demonic…. Or whatever else sick craziness that an Entity can come up with to trick/ force someone into doing something horrific.

I have to figure out how to get rid of this thing. As I’ve said before there are plenty of people who willing play with Entities so I don’t understand why its staying here.

Defeminization 

So I realized I guess today …. Tonight…. That this entity defeminized me through a mixture of ways. 

  1. I Am Isis
  2. Child abuse
  3. Cutting my hair
  4. Gaining weight from stress
  5. Numbing

My spiritual naivity made it easy to suck me into its game…. By first testing super imposing (audio) over what other people said. Because I wouldn’t respond to it…. That made it easy to slip into the idea of Telepathy because I was too scared to say “Hey, I feel like I’m hearing you saying this in your mind”. That is why it needed to keep me away from my Ex.

It TOLD/forced me to call myself Isis (the divine mother archetype) so that it could lure me into the storyline (through separation from my ex twin flame) and then “giving it away” to a much prettier woman. Or insinuating i was becoming Osiris. It started telling me I didn’t know how to act like a lady. Forcing me to sit up straight, and cross my legs through “energy”. Often I felt choked, harnessed or collarded into sitting up straighter than normal. But I wasn’t opposed to having good posture….. But being controlled. 

I had always identified as a tomboy or two spirited as I had a hard time relating to societies social standards for women. It was my way of finding comfort by rejecting it. I was OK with that. But I soon understood I did not totally understand what it was to BE a man really. And while I used the tomboy/ two spirited identy as a crutch towards understanding I can be female…. Feminine and still not fit the mold. I slowly found my own brand of feminity that I was comfortable with and appreciated. Not because society or a partner or some entity forced me. But because I just was.

This included my the notion to be a mother. I never thought about having children because I was in a Queer relationship and I have PCOS (which can make it difficult to conceive). So it just was never on my agenda. After my best friend gave birth (to my godson), of course it came to mind. I mean the CHEEKS…. I am a sucker for pudgy droopy baby cheeks. And this was my first time feeling love and care for a child. I had to take care of him as a new born because my best friend was in the hospital for a month from heart failure and the father bailed after she found out he was trying to find dates while she was in the hospital. This was the first time I ever care for and fell in love with a baby. But my main priority is that he had a mother and and that she was good… She is one of my closest friends. So she soon got better and and did her mom thing (she was staying with me through the pregnancy because she had to quit her job close to the due date) and I tried to help out since the father bailed. Soon after my lease was up and we had to go our separate ways. But I we always hung out like every other weekend …. And I would watch my Godson if she was short on cash for a daycare. And just due normal aunty duties like birthdays and Xmas gifts. I was content with that.

I can’t say that having one of my own didn’t cross my mind. I loved him and even though he was rambunctious it wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be but I also understood that the day to day mother routine can get the best of you. I know my BFF wanted to pull he hair out sometimes as a single mother which is why I would offer her a day off. 

I also worked with youth at an after school internship and found value in that. Just making learning fun. But when this entity attacked …. I could no longer engage in my work and mission as well as with my Godson (or best friend because I don’t think she will understand and I don’t want her to) whom I miss so much. I miss them both. And I miss the community in worked with (entity forced me to quit saying to sign my resignation all day and acting like my boss). And at least trying to make the world better…. Even if it is one life… Or for a moment… Or one place.

Once this entity attacked in 2016 it forced me to cut of my hair …. By telling me to …. Because it said I was going to have cancer anyway. So I buzz cut it…. Cause I just wanted it to stop and go away. Then it went on and would say I looked like a man…. Or ugly or a dyke, or I look like a child molestor now. And so forth every fowl name you can think of. I didn’t want to look in the mirror NOT because I thought of myself as ugly but because I was tired of hearing this entity say all these crazy things as I looked at my reflection.

Some one who wanted nothing more than the safety and celebration of generations…. I just don’t see how this happened. Being called a child molestor ALL DAY and working with youth does not mix well. And I quit my job hoping the nightmare with this entity would stop. The entity first said I was enduring this to become a mother with my ex twin flame. I rejected it. I was like its fine…. I won’t be a mother I guess you can stop this child molestation game. Quitting my job and rejecting this (false) “offer”. Didn’t help it go away.

It continued…. And still says “you will never be a mother” and compares my taking care of my twin sister who had a stroke to motherhood saying “still doesn’t make you a mother”. I in no way thought that taking care of my sister makes me a mother. I just pulled on all of my strength… To assist through my own difficult time and to deal with the emotions of seeing my sister unable to take care of herself. I also had to learn to step back as she is an adult as well and hates to be told what to do (I guess we are the same in that regard). 

After quitting my job I had to force myself out of the love spell this entity put over me for my ex (twin flame). The entity showed me images of him with other women, mimicked his voice as he degraded me all day. I soon came to realize that it wasn’t my ex …. And still till this day the entity tries to convince me it is my ex or for the reconciliation between my ex and I that it tortures me all day.

I no longer felt like myself, looked like myself. I didn’t feel pretty not the outside but the inside. Getting dressed up for a date took all of my energy. I didn’t enjoy the things that made me me. I ate too much to cope. Smoked to much to “calm down”. My once bleeding heart became numb because I could no longer allow my emotions or mind to be manipulated by this entity. And I’m still looking for the logic here.

My own brand of femininity and self acceptance was compromised. Destroyed. 

And I only hope ……… I can heal yet again. 

“The Galactic Slave Trade” on YouTube

So I watched this and in short, I can see narcissists as possibly wounded empaths. I know in my own experience over the last year, I had to shut down a lot!!!! At some point I wondered if I am becoming a narc because I have to be sooooooooooo aware of myself, but also looking outside of myself for comfort. This Entity main goal is to shut me down…. Break me down… Numb…

I also have this whole other reality super imposed on top of my reality and it wasn’t until recently that I was able to see the subtle ways the Entity manipulated me and ultimately other people by imposing itself in my relationships. Its not easy. Which is why I opted out of dragging anyone along with me as much as I would love to have someone there to comfort me when things get really scary.

Honesty and authenticity has grounded me, not being afraid or assuming (or allowing the Entity to scare me into assuming) of how I may look to other people for my honesty has been helpful. So as someone who I guess would originally identify as sensitive and empathic this has been a hard hard road to walk and still maintain self…. Compassion. 

Again just been looking around. I’ve had to put down so many “beliefs” and interests that I normally drew inspiration from (creativity) just so I can deal with this Entity that twists EVERYTHING into a nightmare. That’s the first step in loosing yourself. 

I never really met a Narc before, I hadn’t looked it up until my ex (twin flame) and I broke up because I didn’t know if homeboy had hypnotized me in my sleep, or voodoo…. or something….. But a part of me died. I came across Narcs and empaths which lead me to twin flame. But essentially it was this Entity fucking with my emotions to trying to create this grand “play”. 

So I can’t even see if he is truly a Narc. I mean I had even questioned myself as one. But this Entity is beyond a psychopath and now I’m labeled/experiencing schizophrenia.

How can we show compassion for our Narcs with out compromise?….. Because somewhere down the line maybe they were just so sensitive/ emathic that they had to shut down.

My Life? (no carrots)

I want my life to be about me….

Not my ex (twin flame)…. Its been two years since we broke up. I am tired of this Entity saying his name at least 1000 times a day….. Or making some reference to him …. Or telling me he is with someone more beautiful than me. He is cooler than me. That he is perfect. That I fucked up cause I didn’t tell him I loved him (the entity was trying to trick/ force me into telling him by parroting him), i mean i will be going about my day and the entity will parrot his voice i will get spooked, or just watching TV EVERY episode of anything gets related back to him. I cant even enjoy music I’ve always enjoyed because again it gets related back to him. Like my ex said two of his ex’s went “crazy” and I’m just another one that went “crazy” after him and he is sitting there thinking its because he’s giving them the D and really its because some nasty as demon alien bug is fucking with me, and thought he would be the perfect guy to his behind because IDK he likes heavy fucking metal and his phone # has 666 in it? Spooke the shit out of me. Fuck that!

This is MY life!

Its like I want to make peace with it….. I made peace with it… My whole life has turned into a litany about this man who is long gone. And I’m not mad at him…. I mean I have my own truth…. But I’m not even mad at HIM…. And the way this entity interfered with the relationship only to then make him be at the forefront on my life….. While i am being spiritually and psychically torture……At a time when I need to be focused on my family. 

I just will never understand. (Just one of the many things I won’t understand from this experience). 

That’s why I can’t even bring someone else in yet like that. Like that person has to be solid as a rock….. No bullshit …… no games.

The entity tried to make it seem like I was experiencing all this to get my ex back…. But I was like fuck this!!! I mean he’s cool….. But not that cool.

I just want my life to be about me…. Not my ex, not about child molestation, not about this entity, …. My life my fucking body….

I long for the day where this entity is NOT doing something to my vagina! Even a moment would be relief!

I told the entity …. If he wants this body so bad then take it!…. Its not the body it wants… Its the control…. Its the torture…. Its sadistic…

And I’m NOT really a masochistic!

I just want it gone completely!

I’m soooooo grossed out ….. I’ve never wanted to jump out of my body so bad….. This is worse than trypophobia, which is the fear of irregular holes and it totally grosses me out next to mayo. 

Like a buzz on your vag 24/7 is UHG!!!!!! Gross, by some things that’s saying nasty/ mean shit all day is UHG!