Twin Flame: Is You!

So I let go of this twin flame concept. Right? I had a “false twin flame” experience that led me to a INSANE spiritual attack.

So I was thinking since we all have “divine masculine and feminine” energy/aspects. Wonder is if we are our own twin flame. That the twins are inside us.

By projecting this idea of undying love on to someone we may be attracted to we only hurt ourselves. The love and attraction must be settled with in us first.

Now I personally have not been able to see our divine masculine and feminine light bodies or energy because I am under spiritual warfare. But I hear a lot of people talk about this. I only see astral demons lol. That’s my life right now 🤷🏻‍♀️

However the pain that comes with projecting that love, lust, pain, heart ache on to someone else is ALOT! I was told by both a twin flame healer and the astral entity voices that pretended to be my ex’s voice that I could get my false twin flame back. And that fucked me up. It took honestly working on myself and my own wounds to realize I didn’t want him and something else was going on.

While I might have bugged out. He hurt me in ways I was not prepared for. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t full want me as I am?

That’s just me. I hope that others that have been through the twin flame wringer find peace and reconciliation.

Just thinking out loud.

Twin Flame Be Like: Dance

I only identify with Twin Flame as a part of my story. I dont believe my ex is my actual twin flame as the demon voices really wanted me to believe. They wanted me to be obsessed with him and in pain …. Heartache. And i aint got time for that. The demon alien assholes fucked with the wrong chick.

BUT i am emo and i love aft culture and relatable content i donhave a sense of humor. So this choreography felt relatable to the twin flame thing for me when ibwas going through it so i wanted to put it here.

Enjoy it either way.

Hearing Voices: “You Will Never Be A Mother”

So another aspect to this whole “you’re a child molester” thing, is that once I settled on the fact that my father didn’t do anything to to me (because when this came up I actually started to question it) the voices went on to say I was suffering and being tortured like this to be a mother. 😳 YES gurl! These bastards said this was a test to be a mother. When I went to some bullshit shaman lady here in NYC a white lady practicing Peruvian shamanism (no shade) she asked the spirit Entity why were they harassing me they said showed me a star and a baby.

They then later started harassing me more saying “you will Neeeeeeever be a mother!” All this stuff right? Still playing out and calling me a child molester as well. As well as the twin flame play at me. They threw the whole book at me all at once in a short period of time. Which has its pros and cons. Pros I spent less time peeling the layers of bullshit back and cons it physically took a toll on me to have that much energy sent my way. It was not gentle at all.

As I said in my blog before being queer, marriage and children were never really I guess sight for me. Just love and happiness. Ya know? With a partner. But now I guess switching more to the heteronormative world is that something I’m suppose to take on?

I was always ok with being a really awesome Godmother/Aunty to my Godson. I think every kid needs an adult outside their parents that they can confide in and give them really cool gifts and advice. 😃 My aunty was the coolest of them all. She influenced my taste in culture and arts. Always encouraging my talent in arts and giving me resources to do so. Even buying my art as a kid. Her home was impeccable. So as someone with PCOS and is/was queer, actually having children just was not at the forefront of my mind.

And honestly still isn’t. I mean the only thing I really think about is how can I get rid of these demons and how can I cultivate more joy/ move forward in my life while they are here? That’s really the only things.

So each time I kind of denounced a part of the Entities game play they flipped for something worse. 1. Twin flame, I was the Isis to his Osiris and to wait the rest of my life for my ex to come back and be energetically abused and raped by him? No thank you! 2. Suffer for making my father seem like he sexually abused me at the age of 3 years old and be called a child molester all day long (which he didn’t do and wasn’t my fault)? 👎🏼NOPE that doesn’t make much logical sense on the karma wheel! 3. Be called a child molester, while being raped and shown child porn in my 3rd eye to the brink of suicide as a test to see if I am equipped enough to have a star seed child?! I remember saying NO THANKS having a kid isn’t worth this sick torture please stop! And that’s where I step the fuck out of the New Age forum and go the fuck to “sleep”.

Yeaaaaa……….. the enemy (entity) will flip that script so many times you will not know where you are anymore in life or spiritually.

Just yesterday I had a guy tell me that I had Stockholm syndrome with the Entities. 😞 Gurl! He told me all of this because I told him his energy healing didn’t work. Stockholm syndrome is when you are in love with you captor. I’m not in love in the slightest. I’m not even really intrigued really. I am just using the coping mechanisms that have found that works for me writing and drawing and occasional research and documenting my struggles as a form of activism.

I had like two friends yesterday one by email and my best friend tell me that I need to stop researching and looking for answers and live my life. And I want to. I was minding my own fucking business living my best life when I was attacked on a level you wouldn’t believe. When I say loud I mean they were like concert amp loud in my brain. My brain was fucking HOT. For months!

It’s only this year did things calm down a bit. And as to why I can’t attribute it to one thing. It’s def not the meds or the healing sessions I had. I would say it was my belief system. Or the peeling away the storyline. They still are trying to create a storyline with my best friend. Like us getting into a fight cause they want me not to be around her anymore because I’m more happy andmore social now. But whatever I’m going with the flow I can’t stop shit only how I handle it and document it.

Sex and Suffering 💔

After my break up with my ex (false twin flame) in the summer of 2015. I tried dating to get over him maybe 6 months later. But every date I went on ended up turning into sex even though i didnt want it to. And i didnt know how to say no.

In my head….. We would talk all night, maybe make out, eat some good food. But it would quickly become sexual and i would blame myself for being there in the first place and i didnt want to be disliked or for the situation to turn ugly like it has the other times i had said no (rape). Being a people pleaser sucks some times. I did this about 3 or 4 times thinking each time would different. But it wasnt.

I felt like things were spiraling out of control. I mean i had this break up with my ex, i had this energy of obsessesion which i didnt feel connected to and it was driving me crazy cause it was like being split in two. I didn’t want to feel this feeling of obsession that i never felt before. I wanted it to stop. So i did what i would normal do. Move on. But i kept being met with the dudes that just wanted to hook up and i didnt know how to navigate.

In December of 2015 i hung out with with MMA fighter dude, he seemed cool. But i did hear a voice say “SHE SUCKING KARMAS DICK NOW!” as MMA guy walked into the other room (so i didnt see him say it). I thought he was talking about an ex or something. But i didnt make a big deal out of it. So on New Years 2016 he asked me to hang out but i realized this once i met him this was after he had already hung out with his friends and got lit. And that was a bit of a turn off. We made out and he asked me to call him “pappi”which im not latinx and not my thing and then wanted me to go down on him, which i did hestitantly and he knew i wasnt into because he said why was i looking at him like that. It was because i was disappointed.

I will also be honest and i am ashamed to say that i thought in hindsight that engaging in sex would prolong my stay after traveled all the way out to see this person and after he said he was tired, i knew that was my que to leave. So i realized it was the voices that said “shes sucming Karmas dick now!” But they dont always make sense but then they do in a strange fucked up way.

After that day i was over it. I was tired of being used….. I wasnt getting what ibwant which was a solid relationship with someone who respected, cared and loved me. And so i made a choice to be celibate.

Then my world started to crumble.

The voices became more predominant. My dad had a really scary heart surgery, my gay uncle died out of no where, my twin sister had a stroke. It was woa. And the voices were pretending to be telepathy with my ex (false twin flame). And i was loosing it all. Complete reality melt down.

Then the voices kept saying “wait for A(ex)” (relationship/sex) and another would say “for the rest of you life!”. They would make it seem likecwe were going to get back sometime and othertime like we would never get back together.

The voices would ask “would say dont ask for anything!” And i thought this was telepathy with my ex. But then a female voice came in a bunch of time and asked ” what do you want? A house, a car, money?” After saying “nothing” hundreds of times i said a house, because my dumb ass thought that my ex and i family could live together in a nice big house. But mainly i wanted to stopped being asked this question over and over again. And a male voice said “who would want a house in this economy?!”. A female voice said “don’t you mean you want A(ex) ?!”. I thought i had answered the question wrong. I thought it was suppose to be him and not something material. Idk. So i said FINE my ex!

Thats when everything went down hill. The voices acted as my ex and his roommate or best friend (female voice) interchangeably. “My ex” (the demon voices) would force me to have orgasms randomly through the day. His friends harrassed me, tortured me in ways i didnt know was possible. Screamed all day. Cursed at me. Called me all sorts of names. Burning my vagina, giving me migraines that felt like brain aneurysms, at night my body would feel like it was floating, i mean i could go on and on and onhow i was torture. They would say he was with some one new and prettier than me. And I just could not understand why he was toying with me and doing the orgasms and sex stuff. It felt wrong. So i asked to stop and they wouldnt.

It wasn’t until i denounced the twin flame did things started to get even worse. The visions went from harassing to abusive. Andcshowing images of child sexual abuse. Even my ex abusing children from my job. I mean it was BAD. Lime really fucking bad. To the point i has to quit my job. And they were calling me a “child molester” and saying i was now suffering “in the place of my father” (who was wrongfully accused of molesting me). All the while they were raping me. After i quit my job i said well now im now i cant be a child molester cause there are children to molest (being facetious). Boy was that a bad idea. Then they kept showing me sick images and i called them pedos and then they started calling me a pedo! 😓 fucking hate my entire life. Seriously.

So after about 9 months of celibacy and tripping balls, loosing everything, being psychically attackedin ways i didnt even know was possible. I decided needed an adult sexual relationship cause i was really getting sick of the pedo shit and it was scaring me.

In October of 2016 started dating this one guy out in jersey. I told him inwas in a fragile state because i had a mental break down. I still didnt understand it fully. I mean i still dont most days. I told him i wanted to hold off of on having sex. We went on a few dates karaoke and nice dinners. And indecised to go to his house deep in Jersey. Again i told him i didnt want to have sex before hand. Affection and kissing and spending time with each other is fine. But before you know it i literally turned around for a moment and turned back around anf he was completely naked begging me to go down on him. And again i didnt know what to do. I should have known better AGAIN. I thought telling him ahead of time that my boundary would be respected. And i was in the middle of bumbba nowhere new jersey with no real way out till the next day.

We dated for 4 weeks and he planned the “Sweetest Day” which is celebrated on the 3rd Saturday of October and is kind of like a Valentines Day. The week before i was having really bad psychosis and it took a toll on me physically so i didnt have the energy to make it all the way out to Jersey. Then the next week was the sweetest day. But my grandma passed away. And he had thr NERVE to get mad at me. Like really actually raising his voice and stressing me out mad at me for canceling plans (not last minute either). So after that i was done for a while.

Also the voices kept saying “i cant wait for “great day”(my grandma catch phrase)” or “for the shoe to drop” meaning she was going to pass. I chose not to believe them cause everyone said they feed of of fear abd sadness. But they got me. They told the future AGAIN.

Either way i tried dating a schiz guy in December thinking he would be more sensitive that DID NOT go well either. He actually smacked me in my face during sex and then denied the whole thing. Also the voices were involving themselves in my sex life saying “yea i like it like that” and being gross as usual.

I mean they quickly bypassed the crazy and really sticking to this disgusting for a while now.

SO after ALL THAT HOT MESS I was celibate for two years 2017/2018. All the while hunkering down and just sutting through the rape and molestation and burns and abuse and sick visions and scary hallucinations and fatigue….. Electrocution ….. You name it. I cant even name all the abuse.

Then after two years i wanted to just talk to someone …… And thought i would JUST TALK to talk. Buti met a military guy who i thought i could have something special with. He seemed kind and really understanding that i had schizophrenia and talked about how he wanted me to have his babies. And so i thought THIS TIME introduce him to my family. And we dated for a few weeks. I thought this one was going to be long lasting from the way he talked to me. And then when i went to his house i wanted to but after 3 times having sex he just ghosted.

So no matter how i tried to do things different it doesnt matter it just keeps being a waste of time. I just wanted someone to hold me through all of this scary shit and tell me its ok. And love me and tell me im beautiful when the voices tell me im ugly.

All these guys were such a waste of time and i feel like such an idiot. And i really wish inwould have known better. And i wish i could take it all back and said NO and just had the courage to walk out. Because nothing amounted to anything.

Now i am back on my celibacy tip. Since like a month ago from military dude. And idk. Kust writing it out. I secretly want someone to be there but it is not worth the risk at this point. I just figured the voices WANT(ed) me to be alone and isolated so they can rape me and wouldnt cultivate love in my life. To be honest.

But im kot doing that either way. So its useless.

Whatever. 💔

Taregted Individuals: NLP: Nueral Linguistic Programming

I wonder if this is how the voices create out comes in my life. I mean most of it is outter manifestations of THEIR words and not mine. I mean they call me a child molester all day and im not one. But the way they have foretold the future a bunch of times im still wondering if they foretell or create it. But how?

When this first started. The voices started calling me “honey tree” i searched the internet trying firgure out what it could mean. The symbolism around it. I found an actual honey tree which was thorny. And a bunch of daycares called honey tree. And something about Jesus. I wrote a blog post on my Tumblr about it. And the voices sounded like my co-workers were hacking my brain to find out the name of my blog so they could read it. And i quickly deleted the whole blog! 😐 then less then a week later my ex (false twin flame) (months after we broke up) sent me a message with a link to a song by a band called the HoneyTrees. 😮 But i had deleted my blog and the only proof i had that i hard heard his voice and the Honey Trees prior to him sending it to me.

Again 6 months after we had been broken up i was talking to a guy friend online and he was kind of making fun of my ex sayung he didnt do much for me. And then i heard my ex’s voice tell me “get off the phone NOW”. I didn’t and then he calls me a moment later. You can only imagine how scared i was. The voices were making him out to be almost abusive. I mean he was a player and a jerk. But abusive was a whole other level.

They later foretold my Ex (false twin flame) getting married, having a son and moving to Jersey 3 years ago. The voices knew i wanted a baby. But it was something i never really discussed with my ex because he said he didnt want any. So far all i know is that he had a son a year ago with a beautiful woman. I didnt believe it till i saw the baby registry with his name. Even the shock wasnt that of the heart but that these voice told me this years prior.

Then the voices said they are “waiting for the shoe to drop”….. And “great day!” Which was a catch phrase my grandmother used. Basically telling me that my grandmother was going to pass. Again i didnt believe them. I didnt want to even though she was 97 years old. But she did pass after going into the hospital. They were making fun of it to make me upset.

Then they said they were “waiting for the other shoe to drop!” And “have mercy” as code for my mother, that was a phrase she used a lot too. Then two weeks or so after my grandmother passed my mother had a heart attack. Then a few months later a stroke.

This was all the while ” schizophrenia” just started in 2016. Even the times i myself had “predicted the future” it was mainly from a logical stand point.

Then the voices didnt want me dating the last guy i was with and would make fun of him and his penis to try to make me feel some sort of way about him. I enjoyed him and size never really mattered just that we both cared about each other. Then about 3 weeks into dating he started hearing voices. He said he heard his name called multiple times and no one was there. And then the week after i never heard from him again. While it may be a long shot….. But i mean since he started hearing them they could have easily influenced him with out him being totally aware. Because i didnt listen and leave him like they wanted.

Then we get to my best friend. When i first went to her home i did not see the entities as much but i still heard them. Then over time i started to see them on the windows and corners of the home and over the bed. They said they wanted to get me out of her house (just like they wanted to do at my parents) and said they “need to get her (my friend) a man” “play” this was week or so prior to her meeting her current boyfriend. Prior she was complaining about how she was going to be alone forever. I ignored them saying she was going to get a “man play”. But it happened. Spending time at her house was my quiet time and then i would take care of my godson. But they dont want me to build myself up. Or peace and quiet. Or to be around friends. Just isolated alone getting tortured raped molested electrocuted.

——-

So in a way these demons are foretelling my life or the lives around me or creating it. Im not sure if they are using NLP to influence my life or if that us even a real thing in this case. I try to stay as positive as possible believe it or not.

I have however used my logical mind to peel away what didnt make sense. The voices were trying to make it seem as though both my ex (false twin flame) AND my coworkers were energetically gang stalking me. They wanted me to freak out on them but i kept my cool for the most part. My coworker just said i left in a strange way. And i sent a pretty strange email to my ex (with out too much detail) as a plea for him to stop torturing in the spirit realm. I blocked him because i didnt want to read a reply i didnt want my body to shiver or convulse or my mind to race, to have his words twisted into something completely different by the demons.

I just wanted it to stop.

No matter how positive or better than positive ….. Truthful i am ….. These demons remain. I try to peel back as much of the beliefs and layers as possible. I try to stop the stories being created in my head as soon as they form. But they remain and harrass and torture me.

Can i change my destiny? I feel like these demons are controlling it in one way or another despite my best efforts.

I’ve given up so much.

Queer Love and Breaking my own Heart 💔

So this is my ex (soul mate) of 5 years and NOT my ex (false twin flame).

He is a transgender male (female to male) and the only person I have ever loved. We broke up because he wanted to be polyamorous and I didn’t /wasn’t.

I told him I was dating someone a week before the last guy Ghosted on me (isn’t it ironic …… don’t you think?) and we haven’t really spoken till just now cause he felt some type of way. He said he thought I was just taking my time for us to get back together. 😕

But I haven’t told him I’m not dating anyone now either. As honestly it’s all a bit too much for me. And since this is my blog and my place to be grossly honest…..

I’m having a HUGE issue with my faith and sexual orientation now. I mean I can’t take back being queer as that was a huge part of what politicized me. I will always be for the rights and safety of the LGBT community I’m not a homophobe.

But ever since I read that one of the commandments “Adultery” includes homosexuality as well as, sex outside of marriage and sodomy which includes oral AND anal sex…….. I’m kind of like…….. damn I give up. I give up and give it to God. Adultery also lumps in child predators and rapists which in my logical mind is messed up but OKAY. I honestly thought Adultery meant don’t cheat on your spouse which I mean if you make a union before God then it should be respected. I’m traditional in that sense.

But I love and will always love my ex soul mate. That I can’t make go away. Sometime i hope that God will see our love in judgement day and understand. Understand there was real love, real care, a deep bond and real companionship there. That no cis heterosexual man has ever presented me with.

But I am giving it to God because I’m not sure. To trust the interpretation of Gods words by men or what’s in my heart.

I will prolly die alone with the companionship of cats if I’m lucky.

I don’t know if I am being selfish by keeping my ex soul mate around. But you just don’t find good people you can trust like that. Even despite our break up I trust him. Because he told me before went off into poly world. (He apparently isn’t poly anymore but whatever). Apparently I’m not queer anymore…… maybe not even heterosexual…… shoooot might be going straight to asexual at this point.

It’s all confusing and painful. And love is complicated, more complicated than it should be. And dare I even say Gods love.

I guess for what ever I have done. Having sex out of marriage, queer oral sex, the one time …. ok two times I did sex work to make rent. Adultery. I want to give it up to God and get in his good graces because I am really sick and tired of being raped and molested by demons 24/7.

So I am just trying to go by the “rules” at this point as a process of elimination.

But I really didn’t want it to come down to this. But I’m sacrificing my sexuality…… my love and companionship…..dating (cause I clearly don’t know how to date or say no), my pleasure for God. To God.

When I broke up with my ex I made a joke that “I’m prolly just gonna become a nun”, maybe the jokes on me. Maybe I am becoming a nun. Maybe the demons are persecuting me into being a “nun” because they like to be ironic like that.

Idk. I’m trying and yet over it at the same time. I would never tell anyone in my life that I think homosexuality is a sin. I’m almost ashamed. But I don’t know. I mean errybody out here have sex with out being married and they are not getting raped by demons everyday for 3.5 years.

I guess I’m desperate. God must know I am desperate.

My heart is broken in so many different ways 💔

Photo from Philippines pride parade, Christian group apologizing for treatment of LGBT.

Twin Flame: I did it to myself

So I was clicking around my sister’s computer to find a new picture of myself to upload for my email photo and I saw a photo I didn’t recognize. And BOOM it was a screenshot my dumb ass took of my ex (false twin flame) and his wife/ baby momma all lovey-dovey.

I took it originally to file under some sort of evidence since this whole experience was about HIM for some reason. Again the Demonic Mantid Reptilian whatever hides behind people or idols.

I am happy that he found love and has a kid (which he said he never would want). But I happy for him genuinely. But I felt every nerve ending set off and a wave go over my body. I wasn’t upset that he has love, but that I know these Entities are taking advantage of my body or Looshing it. So I sat there and stared lovingly at their love happy for them pushing through the pain because I KNOW the pain was false. I stared until the pain stopped. And then I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because I have to endure this ridiculousness and it actually physically hurt a lot. But I know the difference between what is inflicted and what is from me. That sensation wasn’t from me.

I can see their parasites and their flower-like looking connections all over my body so I know it’s them.

I mean I did it to myself. Maybe I shouldn’t have had the photo but if I wasn’t playing Scooby Doo Inspecto gadget magical mystery tales on MY LIFE maybe I wouldn’t! The Mantis’ said this was all for a “second chance” with my twin flame. The Mantis said he put voodoo on me when I started feeling pin pricks all over my body.  So I did feel some typa way about this man but once I go through the illusion and the lies, I realize while we had our own shit and he did hurt me… he wasn’t behind all of this. BUT the Mantid was using his internet persona to get to me.

So I’m not mad he is happy, I’m just mad I’M not happy. they are not exclusive to each other. I can be happy for others who are winning in life (even if we didn’t have the BEST relationship) and still want the best for me. I guess I mention this because that’s what the Mantis’ want they want me to be unhappy that he is happy and has a kid with a beautiful woman (and yes she’s totally goergy).

DEEP BREATH!

I just want to feel better. This has sucked ass for so long.

Twin Flame: Illusion of Unconditional Love

So I will alway think about things differently I don’t go with the status quo and as much as I want to be a part of SOME clique I will usually be the black sheep. Only once did I feel a part of a team that actually challenged and cared and then BOOM schiz happened.

ANYWAYS…..

So have you noticed that “unconditional love” for your twin flame is a condition of the “twin flame” experience. FUCK THAT!

If someone is fucking up or hurting you, you tell them! Of course you want to check yourself and make sure you are not trying to hurt them back but check that shit! Unconditional love doesn’t mean taking anyone’s shit. That includes separation and taking false vows of chastity because that’s what this Entity forced me into.

Because that’s what it made me believe that would bring my “twin flame” back who was a false one.

You can be both fierce and loving. You can tell someone they are fucking up and still love them and not cower into this delusion that love doesn’t rock the boat or is silent.

Because then you are simply in a relationship with yourself doing all the work for both of you and THAT is not fair and that is fucking up.

I’m not a twin flame but that’s what ushered me into schizophrenia. So it’s a major part of my story and who I am. But who doesn’t want an eternal healing love? But at what price?

I’m not going to pay for anymore healing. Healing and being able to heal is a gift. And our world CLEARLY needs it now more than ever. NOW LOOK at the world once capitalism got its paws on healers and churches and religion and spirituality.

Look at it!!!!

But for only $1,111 I can fix your problems connect you with your twin flame, clear all your blocks, get you that dream job, manifest a life worth living.

?

Spare me. I get it we got bills to pay. At this point they are better off calling it therapy, than spiritual services. Costs about the same. Spiritual indicates you are actually working in other realms and being effective.

Either way if I come off as bitter oh well I spent more than I have to get rid of the black magic Entity that I some how accumulated after my ex. But whatever I’m just gonna keep going on and on and on and on until I know the truth AND this stupid gross shit stops!

What I see: vision: sea of couples 💑

In this world opposite world, of duality which I am not accustomed to, pairing seems so important.

Pair of the opposites or compliments is so important to the Entities game.

I saw a sea of couples that look like on (my assumption) one masculine and one feminine. Just a huge sea of couples.

A few times in my visions a I saw a few couples torn apart. Some couples were actually 1 whole but half. Which is kind of strange conceptually becoming visual. My first thought was twin flames but I doubt that. The couples were bright reds and yellow.

I saw large black lizard walking through them and two parasites with big heads.

I guess I wonder what they mean any they show up in my photos.

I saw this today, from a photo a few days ago.

I guess I feel so alone I wonder if I even belong there…… or why I see this or what’s up with the Lizard monster.