The point . 

So what’s the point of all this? 

Almost every belief torn down for what? 

Torn down and still shimmers in its beauty, essence, goodness. Beautiful stones that were used to build prisons.

So now what? 

I will not bow down.

You and your kind have lied to my people. Misguided…. And divided. And we are done. The lies are sooooo deep we even think they are good.

So why are you still here?

I am no longer interested in entertaining your game…. Or play… Deception

We’ve come to a point….  And your side seems desperate.

Leave!

Mandala Effect and Targeted Individuals

Just some thoughts.

Mandala Effect I wonder if the mandala effect has to do with “targeted individuals”. I mean I wrote it off as just people being misinformed. I mean our memories aren’t always the best. But there is also our “minds eye” or “third eyes” or “imagination” so when we are asked a question we access it in some way. So I wonder if those who believe something to be one way and not the other are under “mind control” as “targeted individuals”. Just a theory.

Gang Stalking. From what I read many people believe they are being stalked or followes by a group or organization. And while this may be true as a “target individual”, one I doubt they would make themselves so obvious. And two its a part of the “paranoid schizophrenia” “play”. In my own experience the VOICE  or Entity, whatever you want to call it…. Would make me believe it was my ex and his friends doing this to me. Then it moved to my place of work and it was my coworkers. Then moved to my home and almost everyone in NYC had something to say about me. Talk about gang stalking, how about about a whole borough “bullying” you? It was/ is intense to say the least and makes it difficult to go outside and engage the world like I use to. Once I realized this is impossible… For EVERYONE in NYC to be talking about little old me things changed. Once I realized it is impossible for my ex and his friend (who lived on the other side of the country) to psychic telepathic access to me to bully me. Things changed. Once I realized that THE VOICE(s) were talking too fast to be two different people things changed. So while it still happens some times…. I don’t believe it. It is just ONE Entity simulating this nasty ass shit.

As I said before, like I wonder if this how people get hurt or go crazy and hurt people thinking they are doing this shit to them, or suicide cause they are lost in some sick simulation overlay. 

Types of voices. You may notice both a pitch or frequency accompanied by a white static noise. Try ear plugs and touching certain parts of your body like ears or neck … Or affected areas or closing your body in yoga positions. The tones may change. But I pray that you not hear them if you are uncertain. The types of voices I noticed are as followed.

Main Voice: I’m not sure if some people are even able to get there. But once you get past the paranoia or characters or actual people that IT is hiding behind … You may find one voice. I’m not sure how that may play out for individuals because each have a different experience. But this is in relation to “targeted individuals” and the feeling of “gang stalking”. My particular Voice or Entity attachment…. Is intelligent, manipulative, obsessive, lies, I could say creative, but for this experience is absurdly abusive and inhumanly psychotic. May present itself as an archetype of authority, God, Jesus, Goddesses, Buddha, Ex partners, Bosses, Satan, Aliens, Angels, Parents, etc so that you feel powerless. Which in that moment may very well feel true. This “Main Voice Entity”, orchestrates most of the experience. The main voice may very well emulate YOU. So while its orchestrating it is suggesting you (light images, memories, or actual “subconscious thought”) how to respond or placing false feelings.

The Scream: This one often sounds like a distant scream that repeats over and over. Usually negative. May be “fuck you” or “bullshit” or “you’re crazy” “you’re ugly” or something that means something to you. Tends to rhyme. At one point I called it Rumpelstiltskin. But repeats it over and over again. This one also tends to be melodic. So you may hear music like sounds off of running water or other ambient sounds like a fan or humming of a car. 

Voice(s) / Gang Stalking: So this one is difficult. One, being paranoid is natural in natural situation. Walking down a dark ally sure. Stepping out of your house to get some almond milk in broad daylight…. Not so much. The Voice Entity is an opportunitist and will exploit any situation. So if you think your Boss passed you up for a promotion it is going to maybe you felt down or depressed … angry…. This Entity Voice will make you go postal… Hopefully not literally.

So my theory is that The ONE Voice Entity controls the “many”. The one that sings, the one that screams in the distance, the one that says your name randomly, the one that make you think people in your life are out to get you (but hey who knows), the one that makes you think your being gang stalked, that the TVor radio is talking to you, talking to dead relativites or people far away, The one that makes you think you heard someone say some crazy shit and they didnt, the one that makes you think you are taking to goddesses or aliens. 

I can’t say what this…. Exactly… But that is what I have realized for myself. It doesn’t make it any less debilitating.

This post is just on voices I could go on about the whole experience. But it rarely ever makes any sense. So as with “targeted individuals” while I can relate with the experience and can see it relate with other experiences as well (spiritual awakening “purging” “dark night of the soul” or Kundalini symptoms and “surrendering”ect) there is always that one piece missing. 

Who, How, and Why?

Targeted Individuals (pt2)

I’m really not be one for conspiracy theories. I do love a good fanatsy film but I’m not so sure about living one at this point.

I perused a few “targeted individual” forums on Facebook. There seem to be a lot of similarities between “ascension” or “kundalini” symptoms and the symptoms of “targeted individuals”. I have found connections between a LOT of the different beliefs or theories BUT not one answer as to WHY or WHO or HOW. 

Apparently some lady sue some guy for “electronic harassment” (you know that static in your ears or that voice in your head, ect) and won, but she found who it was I’m not sure how this applies elsewhere. I mean logically to me if a man is electronically harassing someone I (court of law) would figure out where he retrieved the technology to do so and regulate there. But that’s just me being logical in an illogical world.

So these are your average everyday folks who seem normal having not normal experiences. As I said schizophrenia is either suppose to be one percent of the world population (which is approx 72million). Which is a lot but not lot a lot when you add up people hearing the voice of god(s), psychics, ghost hunters, alien watchers, schizo’s, demonic entity attatchments, witches, time travelers and whatever else you can come up with.

Most seem to have some sort of religious connotation, but I guess with an experience like this one would def seek God.

In the forum a few people talked about the perverted experience of being a “targeted indivual” or MK Ultra or whatever. 

I blanked out the names but these are also public posts below.


There is a theme of perversion. Hard working people with families having to struggle with this type of experience. Both men and women fearing for their lives and their children as well. And dare I say unnecessarily. Fear base experiences that have nothing to do with the essense of that individual. Or even their true psychology.

I’m not one to dive deep into conspiracy theories….. But this is waaaaaaaaaay out of control. I actually don’t care what IT is…. But I do want this to cease and desist not only for me but for others as well.

There is always a carrot. If its not something or someone it is your own personal freedom. 

What causes one to have a better delusion than the other? What triggers it? 

Either way some of my findings on this sad sad SAD road to probably no where. 

Target Individuals

A guy from a forum read my story and suggested that I maybe experiencing “MK Ultra” or “Targeted Individual”. I have heard these terms in my research, but I am unsure how it applies.

I don’t know what I would have done to make myself a TI. I’ve done activist work in the past…. But nothing too serious. I mean if I was gonna be target back then would be the moment as I feel like a vet at this point. Not because I am but because things are complicated (aren’t they?) and I focused my attention on positive change.

At one point, I did feel very stalked, I was SUPER paranoid…. I thought my ex was telepathic mind control, curse, cosmic joke stalking me. I wasn’t “allowed” to go to area of NYC because those where his drinking places even my neighborhood of birth. I even thought his friends were stalking me, or gazing into a crystal ball viewing me or something. This in term made me check his Facebook and Instagram OD looking for clues. But it only fed the twin flame “story”. Same thing with using people from my job I had to quit. 

But once I stopped believing it was him (or anyone from my job), the images of his friends or a sense they were stalking me went away. 

While the “Entity” still uses my ex’s to insight some sort of feeling. I can say my ex is truly linked to this experience other than we dated for 6 months. But his image/voice is used to control.

Yes I hear the voice, the tones, the white noise constantly. I still get “third eye” visuals (which is different than my imagination), and strange sensations in my private areas, but also all over my body, head pressures, burning ect. And yes this voice, this “Entity”, will say ANY story to make my life unbearable or make me off myself (because apparently that’s not murder😒).

I can’t say what this is. Its not good…. That is for sure. Its not a test…. There is no prize at the end of the rainbow. No my ex is not coming back. This is not for a child (which is fucking gross). None of it. 

I don’t know what it is. And people seem to have these similar symptoms but different experience (which I could list from my research). Depends on your culture and belief (to an extent, because it will also drag you to new beliefs or story lines), but there are majored similarities.

So what do you do? What do we do? What do I do? To just live? I can’t see the point of all these people tripping balls. Its stopping any movements. Its clearly not stopping anything bad from happening. Its def not helping population control….. Sooooooo TF?

When will I or we be able to heal? 

Just one more theory to my insanity to tack on the list. 

😩

Awake to Sleep

Sleep to dream.

This whole “awakening” feels more like a dream..   An awaken illusion…. A walking delusion. A separation from reality. What’s actually happening. What we actually try to create. Our true nature.

Wonder if awakening is is the opposite…. It is the shadow personified into our “reality” but more so our our mental reality. What we believe. Where alters lay in the back of our minds filled with dreams deferred and archetypes. 

And we render ourselves Gods when we have yet to slay the dragon of illusion and temptation.

Cause you don’t get what you want in the end. It was a mirage. There is always…. Something getting in the way of true happiness. Even if it is yourself. …. Or your shadow if you’ve had the purest of intentions.

Awakening? Just sleep walking. The veil lifted …. Opposite in in a world that is polarized by the north and the south? Eyes opened so the veil of lies can blind fold us to the true…. And distract us from seeing the beauty in a world that has so little.

How is it ascension when I feel I have fallen into the pits of despair? How is this awakening when my third eyes shows nothing but lies? How is this a lesson when it is based on distortion and lies?

Psychological Profile of the Entity

So there is a level of acceptance that I need to reach …… Everything I have experienced in the last year and a half and counting has been INSANE!!!! To say the least…. As I tried to report honestly in this blog. 

I have disassociate from the experience because it it was nothing but lies. There was no telepathy, no twin flame, I didn’t hurt anyone, I don’t know what exactly I’m “”paying” for. And it def ain’t the voice of God. 

So. 

Midigating my reality and this very dark experience has been ridiculously hard. Petrifying to be exact.

Many people believe that this experience is just some mental illness, its schizophrenia, or the subconscious mind. I’ve pegged it as a Demon…. Or whatever version of that you want to name it. As I’ve said before every culture or belief has some version of naming IT.

So in my observations….. And my recollections I can only throw the whole psychological book at this “Entity”.

I mean it manipulated me into trusting it. Stalked for years, waited for the right moment, the right cover, the right story, the right person to hide behind. It used fear, guilt, shame, humiliation and torture to maintain control. And I am suppose to believe this is just my subconscious mind?….. My ego “acting up”? If this is ego death….. Its was dead for years. 

This post was triggered because I saw the term “word salad” used in a video about Narcissists. I googled it and found it was both something people with “mental illnesses” do consciously and unconsciously. Wiki describes it as;

Word salad may describe a symptom of neurological or psychiatric conditions in which a person attempts to communicate an idea, but words and phrases that may appear to be random and unrelated come out in an incoherent sequence instead. Often, the person is unaware that he or she did not make sense.

Wiki also spoke about random and rhythmic as a way a “word salad” may be presented. Which this Entity does often. Rhyming with words off of the TV… Or randomly droping phrases to fish for a thought it can play off of or exploit. I believe the YouTuber who mentioned the term “word salad” was trying to speak to how Narcs divert from being directly questioned by using “word salad”…. Which leaves someone confused and uses it to their benefit in some sort of way.

Another thing is that, I know for a fact that there is only ONE Entity here with me (tho I could always be wrong) because one day I was wondering WHY was this Entity talking so fast. It was presenting itself as both a female and a male to maintain a storyline at the time but the speech pattern was extremely fast. So I came to the conclusion that it was just one.

Often when the Entity wants to scare me …. Or is bored, or wants to make me feel like shit…. It splits into another character(s) and starts talking about me …. Whatever the subject may be. That normally only happens “outside of me” meaning it doesn’t come off as a thought or telepathy…. But off of other sounds such as a TV. But it is only ONE Entity. 

Yea I know crazy.

So I’m sitting here observing this Entity play out whatever sick fantasy it has with me and trying to say it was my own. But I’m having a hard time accepting that. Because I know myself. 

My pseudo psychological assessment of the Entity is as such:

Narcissist: charming, confusing, liar, manipulative, demeaning, controling, abusive, lack of empathy, grandiose, entitled.

Obsessive: Constant thoughts, “suggestions” or urges of usually unhealthy or painful things. My ex (“twin flame”), eating, cigarettes, painful memories, fears or vulnerabilities etc. Also used as a way to control.

Personality disorder: Makes up characters or hides behind the persona of other people in order to manipulate and or “play”. 

Psychopath: has no shame, guilt or regaurd for another life. Abusive. Plots and plans to manipulate to what means I am unsure. Said it wants me to “commit suicide” or “make me go crazy” by means of torture and fear. 

I mean I’m now labeled as Schizophrenic because I have to hear this crazy shit all fucking day. I’m sure I have a few others such as obsessive, I mean I can be a bit OCD when it comes to gathering information… Or my art. So I can look at myself and realize those things. Also “dissociative” and or “depersonalization” are more recent because I can not relate to what is happening to me anymore.

I just don’t see how you just wake up one day like this. 

I mean you read Psych 101 and you will always kind of be like well Yea I have anxiety, or Yea I act like this when I’m mad… Or I do this or that sometimes. Whatever you resonate with. But all in all you’re fine and you go about your life. I mean none of this really popped up for me until last year and my life came to a screeching halt.

This Entity that is supposedly my “subconscious” is ABUSIVE…. Seriously its like being in an abusive relationship you can’t get out of. And I’m not one to stick around for that kinda shit. I’ve shadow worked, atoned for my relationships, I’ve questioned myself, I’ve truly looked at it from every angle possible. And have not found any true reason or justification for this Entities presence or being subjugated to this experience.

But alas I will observe.

But I will also fight. 

Soul Sister

So I met another woman on one of the forums who story is WAY WAY too similar as mine.

I almost wanted to cry. I mean I found people with parts or symptoms…. But the exact same thing never. 

Hers was very similar in the sense that it happened after a break up…. She thought it was from her ex because the Demo. Tried to act like her ex (very twin flamish). She’s stayed away from him. She thinks he cursed her. Them the demon told her he loves her but also tortures her. 

She’s knows she is not schizophrenic….. And the fact that our stories if not the words are all too similar is telling. 

I am both happy and depressed. That I fell for it. I’m trying to help her disassociate the demon from her ex because I am pretty sure it has nothing to with him…. I mean sure it plays off the relationship…. But the longer she holds that thought the longer one of the hooks are in. 

Its easy to blame someone else.

A person…. Someone visible. Tangible.

Yes there is this little part of me…. 1% that wonders once this Entity leaves if he will come back because I know I will never contact him. But that 1% could also be the demon….. Because I know I still have so much to worry about…. Like my family…. My livelyhood….. How to make myself happy again. Healing…. Health.

“Higher self” and suicide?

Hypothetically: Would the “higher self” force the I guess “human self” into suicide?

Would the higher self actually say “tired of looking at you fucking up”? Cause wouldn’t that ultimately mean the “higher self” fucked up? 

Just saying.

I guess I am currently in an ocean of terms, ideologies, beliefs and practices ….. Overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. Nothing fits just right. Does this belief make my butt look to big?

Yes. Yes it does.

Discernment has been so important. Because if I truly believed that this Entity was my ex, or God, or Satan…… I would not be here right now. And as much as I want to forgive this abusive being I also must remind myself of this fact.

Today yet another woman expressed having a very similar experience as I. I mean the white outs, choking sensations (not anxiety) as well as a voice calling her a bitch and saying “I’m leaving, I’m never coming back”. I am sure that’s the tip of the iceberg.  

This is soooo similar to the catch phrases that the Entity uses with me its almost scary.

  • “I’m fired” / “You’re fired”
  • I’m never coming back again
  • You will never see me again
  • I’m leaving / “Go Home”

These are just SOME of the catch phrases there are plethora of others depending on the theme or topic.

So why would two different people (women) on different sides of the world and from different cultures and with different symbols and language have an Entity telling them practically the exact same thing???

Hmmmm?????????????!

Por QUE!

I haven’t spoken to her directly to exchange any other notes. But Yea…… It is exhausting. I am glad she was able to position herself to at least stand her ground and know it is NOT her and she is NOT just schizophrenic……

As I said before I ….. I am (personally) where I have attributed all these “mystical” experiences (“angel” sparkles, shadows, spirits, telepathy, “voice of god”, aliens whatever) to this Entity. So…. My beliefs are kinda at a standstill …. But at the same time I look for information.

My only thing is does my exclusive experience with this Entity emulating them mean…. They do not exist? That’s why I try not impose of people too much. I mean whatever gets you through the day. But at the same time I’m about truth AND safety and when those things are compromised…… On a fundamental level….. The “self”….. What do you do other than hold space for each other? 

Allow one to draw their own conclusions with out imposing too much…..

Selfie 

I posted a picture of myself from last year when all my hair was cut off (it was one of the few I currently have at all…. As selfie time has gone to a minimum with this entity berating me day)…… So…. 

I posted that photo …. It got like 120+ likes which is the most I ever got on a selfie…. Or any post really. 

And the ironic thing….  Is that that picture was taken on the worse day of my life. I was just released from the psycheward ….. Job gone, confused, hurt, scared as shit, tired, love gone, I felt sick and dizzy from the meds….. I was trying to keep my composure in public and I felt like overall shit. I see the pain. In my eyes. 

And yet ……. I have never got so many “Yaaaaasss Queen!” “Weerrq”  “beautiful!” and what have you in my life!

It’s strange.

Because …… Then I wonder beyond the surface if anyone can even see a fraction of the pain in my eyes.

Evolution? 

Late night thought.

As much as I want to trust….. That everything is for the better. And in my previous post as I said before in others people are having all these strange “symptoms” mine just happens to have an annoying voice attached to it. 

And we are all sitting here thinking …. Or hoping it is for the better…. For humanity and upgrade….. 

Have you ever thought this is actually a de-evolution? 

I don’t feel any better….. I feel like shit actually. 

I’m not trying to come from a place of fear…. But just pose the question. I mean there is life….. Which is already hard to deal with and then there is ……. This.

I’m just trying to figure out if my head is the clouds or up my ass. 

I think its important look at this. I mean society isn’t getting any better. Cops are shooting black kids. Racists are trying to “make america great again”, people are hurting our children and for some strange reason there is still hunger in the world. 

And we try soooooooooo fucking hard to combat that …. Some of us. We do. We try to combat the poison in our environment, minds, bodies. And now at the same time we have to deal with these “symptoms” that are some how an upgrade?

And what if I eat too many cookies and forget to meditate …. Too bad upgrade gone?

The fuck is going on?