Tree of Knowledge: Trying to understand God

Because of my situation, spiritual attacks, spiritual warfare/ schizophrenia I have sought spirituality as a way to guide me through this.

But to be honest I am WAY more confused now than I have every been before, trying to understand why this has happened to me and traditional religion.

I miss just being thankful to God and just in flow. Not asking for anything. My faith was pure in God. No evidence was needed. Just an innocent love for God and a desire to be a better person despite mistakes or circumstances.

That’s the thing about the tree of knowledge, everything is inverted. It’s the tree of ignorance really. Seeking God with the mind make no sense, only with the heart which requires faith.

I use to look to YouTube and some articles and honestly if they aren’t just saying the same thing over and over and over again I don’t find their info applicable to stopping this entity from torturing and harassing me.

All I can do is one step at a time or sometimes no steps at all. When all I want to do is run free.

Beauty and Personal Validation

I had a guy call me beautiful on the streets and it went into a whole thing with the voices and me invalidating him.

I learned to invalidate my beauty because it was safe with the voices. If I didn’t think to highly of myself the less the torture. And I’m starting to now believe it.

I’m not up to my own standards for lack of exercise because my head literally feels like being opened up sometimes or the electric zap or just plan fatigue from this experience or these wack ass medications. I loved exercising I felt free then be it riding my bike or dance class…. pushing my body during yoga walking all of Manhattan. Loved it. Now I’m confined to a bed tripping Astral balls and no one can help me.

These useless meds made me gain weight in ways I can’t even handle. And then they wanted to give me another pill for that so just more pill on pill on pills. And I’m not getting better. Just use to it.

I don’t need anyone’s validation really just my own and right now I suck. I’m trying hard but I suck. Nothing’s in alignment. And if it is its temporary. I have no roots. I’m just a leaf blowing around in the wind when I desperately want to be a tree. (With pink flowers like a cherry blossom).

These voices have cut me down so much I am numb now to it. I have to have a brace face and a tough exterior because my tears are often manipulated by them. The Entities. Whatever you want to call them.

I know I am chasing the dragon like a drug looking for answers as to why this happened to me. Why me? I’m not that bad of a person. I try not to be….. to the point I’m over analyzing things just to make sure I don’t trigger friends and people. I might slip up but I try.

I’m trying to lug this body around town and it’s the first time it’s ever hurt this much. I have my spiritual pain (spiritual attacks actually hurt), then the physical pain (back/hip ache) and then mental anguish.

I’m about done with this vacation in Astral hell. Seriously over it. I know you are suppose to keep your eyes on God. But ………… I feel so toyed with and abandoned. The alpha omega knows how’s this story goes right? Why?………

I don’t know if I will ever been seen beautiful spiritually. I’m so broken. Haggard. Over IT.

Just want to be beautiful by my standards.

Demonology: Which Demon I think may be bothering me

Asmodai (also Ashmodai, Asmodeus, Asmody, Asmoday) appears as the king ‘Asmoday’ in the Ars Goetia, where he is said to have a seal in gold and is listed as number thirty-two according to respective rank.[4] He “is strong, powerful and appears with three heads; the first is like a bull, the second like a man, and the third like a ram; the tail of a serpent, and from his mouth issue flames of fire.”[4] Also, he sits upon an infernal dragon, holds a lance with a banner and, amongst the Legions of Amaymon, Asmoday governs seventy two legions of inferior spirits.[4]


According to Wiki link on Solomon’s demons this particular one above seems the closest to what I have seen. It is a lesser demon not a “king” and is in charge of spirits which would explain why I have seen so many of them. I called them centipedes but it could be a serpent tail and they have little arms.

Also the demon wanted to take on the person of my ex which his name is Ash and this one, one of its names is Ash-modai which by their twisted logic prolly makes sense to act as someone’s name closest to its name.

Idk man. Shit is bugged out. I’ve seen part of Satan’s kingdom. Is heaven only reserved for the dead? Cause he’ll sure isn’t it seems.

I’ve been calling Earth Pedo Planet cause that what it feels like at this point, with the fact that almost everyone I know has been molested as a child, that along with this demon doing this pedo molestation shit on me I’m kind over this place. I’m holding on trying not to commit suicide cause I know that is what they want but it just SUCKS!

Life is a gift! Yuh right! Life is a JOB!

Targeted Individuals: Plasma Beings Theory

So I think many Targeted Individuals some are on the fence like myself as to if this is human technology or if this is alien or demonic in nature or maybe they are just plain crazy.

The time I can see the most (“hallucinations”) I noticed is when my pupils are wide open. The eyes are like cameras, so the wider they are the more they are taking in light, even subtle light.

Plasma “is a state of matter in which an ionized gaseous substance becomes highly electrically conductive to the point that long-range electric and magnetic fields dominate the behaviour of the matter.” According to googles definition.

So with my eyes I have seen these plasma beings glow subtle colors like red and yellow I have seen them be black as well. They move like heat. Like a flame.

In short the reason that man of these TIs are getting high Radiation or Electromagnetic readings is because of the definition above.

I can see them and when I hold an EMF reader up to them I get 70 (which is painful) an above. We are suppose to be at like 15. My friend is currently on 200 and it breaks my heart. I wish there was something I could do.

Many of these being are like animals, like the geckos or parasite I see. And some are more intelligent like the praying mantises that I see. I also see Astral spiders with the heads of aliens, I see centipede with the head of a cow or a dog. Over the years they have become just heads floating around to now I can see their body after lots of observation. This juxtaposition of different body parts reminds me of “Solomon’s Demons” where these beings would be all merged together. Some are some aren’t. It’s hard to describe but it’s more like they are flipping back and forth between say 4 different beings that dismembered and merged with other beings. As one being.

I mean these things are OLD! I don’t understand their world completely. And I don’t want to really. Understanding it keeps me sane a bit if that make any sense. It keeps me out of fear since I am facing it head on. That’s me personally.

I do want this to end. They are not nice and gross beings as most TIs will know.

I won’t write too much about this but this is my belief.

A Victim of God (Octavia Butler)

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God in a storm, doesn’t always look like God.

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Full Service Here 

So I received two messages over the last week. And essentially it says that God/Jesus is behind my suffering. God is the Alpha and Omega and knows everything and even my minuscule problem in the grand scheme of life. And I guess… well i am feeling hurt, disappointed, abandoned. If I did something wrong I think I am competent enough for God to have a a conversation with. NOT shatter my whole life, allow me to be demonically raped, called a child molestor by demons while I’m shown child abused images in my third eye by demons, isolated, put on medications that only dope me up, become a burden to my family, waste years of my life becoming unhealthy. While i watch all my friends move on with with their life. Still not knowing exactly what it is that I did that displeased God.

Some would say it was because I was gay, or because i engaged in survive sex to pay my rent when i was 19, cause my parents had kicked me out for being gay and my ex didn’t have rent money and i wasn’t trying to be homeless again. What else …  we got whore, gay, pre martial sex, watched porn. Regardless, I loved my ex soul mate of 5 year (not the one that left me with rent) so much i remember saying i would stand before God to defend our love. This statement came from being discriminated against for being gay. I feel/ felt LOVE is love. While most feel that it is a celebration of just sexuality, it is love between two consenting adults like any other. I to this day have not experienced a love like i did with my soul mate. aaaaaaaaaaaannnnd, maybe a year or so later after i said i would stand by our love, and all the thinking about what our wedding would look like (peacock themed i would be), he said he wanted to be Polyamorous one day. And i couldn’t stop him. NOW of course he (a trans man) is regretting it and wants me back and wants to marry me and all this, but im schizophrenic and butt hurt and have already moved towards being straight or asexual or nothing i don’t know im confused and hurt.

Hurt because God won’t remove this. And that God allowed this to happen in this way.

So God wants me isolate? doped up on these meds? doing nothing with my life? being a lab rat?

Regardless of my personal orientation I will always be for the safety and rights of LBGT. LGBT deserve the right to walk down the block with out fearing for their life. LGBT deserve representation just like any other group be it religious, sex, gender, immigration, age, race or creed. And i am about the evolution of society towards safety and a better place for all. Thats me. Regardless of religion or governments. People and Governments and religions have taken it upon themselves to what they think God wants them to do which is kill LGBT, women, black people…. cage immigrants and children, genocide. Thats just a few headlines.

What do you do when you are mad at God? There i said it!!

I’m mad and hurt!

I don’t know what to do. Thats why i just tried to fix it on my own because i felt abandoned by God. Cause i know God could fix this with a blink of an eye. I thought that was my WORK was to fix this on my own like i did so many other things. To get that job, get that place, get that money, MAKE IT WORK! YA KNOW.? I can’t make this work. no matter what i do.

I was told that these demons work for GOD. God mad everything. So why me and not you average joe shmo doing bad things like actually hurting people? why am I TORTURED? A victim of God?


Attacks at my Best Friends House

Straight to the point these demon Alien whatever they are have been heavy attacking me at my best friends house. They don’t want me there. They did the same thing at my parents house for years and I guess they have calmed down in the last year. But now they have been attacking me under the guise of an entity attached to my best friends boyfriend.

The first attack was music and constant waking me up in my sleep.

The last attack was holding me down in my sleep (also known as sleep paralysis) and then when I woke up I saw an Entity descending away from me into the other room.

They did say two weeks prior to my friend meeting her boyfriend that “she needed a “man play” to get me out of here”, they don’t want me to be happy they want me isolated and alone so they can rape me and ruin my life. And I’m tired of it.

I’m trying my best to both be there for my friend, be there for me, not trigger myself pointlessly but also push myself. Ya know?

The fact that they did this at my parents house as well is a telling sign. They wanted me to run away when my sister had a stroke (which I believe they caused), if I ran away I’m a terrible person and they can loop that endlessly, if I stayed (which I did to help my sister recover) then they get their “loving sister” play that they torture me while I take care of her. Saying this will be the only time I will be a mother, making crude comments about my sister body while I clean her, incest. Sick twisted shit. If I didn’t love my sister I would have ran. Being honest. I wanted to off my self being completely honest. That shit coming out of no where scared the shit out of me.

Unfortunately it’s my life now. I had to learn to just “rise above it” water down a ducks back if you will. But it hurts my soul. It really does. I can’t be me with this. I don’t know how to function.

Either way that’s what they are doing AGAIN! Run me out! I’m tired of being attacked. Played with. Raped, molested, mind twisted, shit is so sick. I know I’m not crazy. You don’t just wake up one day at 33 like this.

Weighing the Pros and Cons

So I lost 10lb gained 10lb and my psychiatrist keeps switching my meds every month. My weight is all over the place. My psychiatrist wants to put me on metformin and I said no and he said “what you want to wait till you are 400lb!?!” 😤

Then he suggested weight loss surgery. And I’m over here overwhelmed as fuck. Like can we get the fucking voices to stop?! Like do your fucking job before you start commenting on my weight! Your stupid meds suck and don’t work! And I’m only do I g this to comply for disability otherwise I would be trying natural meds like nacacin flushes or lions mane something else that does not have these side effects.

I have been trying my hardest to be more active and noting is working. My A1Cs are down so I have been trying but my weight is all over the map. And I am going to tell my psychiatrist who is really JUST a physicians assistant you can not comment on someone’s weight like that. It’s rude.

Between the blood work every week for this new medication, the weight comment disability worrying me, the actual gaining weight slowing me down a bit, seeing my therapist type notes as we talk during our sessions and like wondering what will be sent to the state. I’m feeling overwhelmed.

This system is failing me and I’m drowning. I need to figure something out pronto I can’t keep living like this anymore. I’m trying to push against the current which is not my style, but going with the flow would have me laid up in bed for the rest of my life.


The Game of Life 😓

So ………

I don’t even know how to even say this.

Like these entities know I’m a caring and loving being. And I KNOW they had a hand in my sisters stroke and my moms heart attack. You don’t have all those bad things happen In less than a year with out something behind it. I’m sorry. And they were the ones saying they were “waiting for the other shoe to drop” right before my mom had her heart attack.

Just like they knew or made happen my best friend meeting her current boyfriend. I know they did something to my sister to cause her stroke so that I would be locked into being her caretaker for the rest of my life. And no shade my sister is mean. Like she is a really loving person to children and her best friend but to me she is not the nicest person and she is only nice because I help her. But we do t have a loving sisterly relationship. I really wish we did. Like we aren’t besties. I’ve tried but we are so different and we are twins lol.

But I know these entities did something. They already admitted to my mother. By saying they were waiting for the shoe to drop. And I know now they can’t fortell the future the create it.

They meddle in human affairs.

Some say it’s your spirit guide giving you experiences and blah blah blah and and really!?! You nearly killed my disable sister and made practically immobile to lock me in some “loving sister play”. So they can astrally rape me in between be cleaning up piss on the floor? Like fuck this? So all my dreams to be independent is gone?

Like I previously posted what I want. But then I look at my life and I’m like my sister needs me. I can’t see putting that burden on my aging parents and I can’t see how the state would send her enough help and she is too proud. The Entities will make fun of me an even say I can now be a mother taking care of my sister. 😓

I don’t know what to do. And then I’m stuck in my own disabling situation with these entities in the simulated schizophrenic experience. It’s so lame. And get labeled as crazy for the rest of my life. GREAT!

I know they did it! I know they hurt my family! Just like they hurt me! They said so! Fuck them!

I don’t know what to do! This is sick!

Targeted Individuals: Tooth Ache

So I was watching this sermon on instagram. And all of a sudden I started getting a tooth ache that I thought I had under control. Like they have been creating tooth ache pain that even Tylenol can’t fix and normally that does the trick for a day. And I can’t keep taking all these Tylenols hoping they work but that is what they want me to do is just fuck my body up.

I tried to pray it away but that wasn’t working fast enough and it felt like every cell in the side of my face was running around like a chicken with its head cut off I mean the pain was WOA out of no where.

So instead of going to the Tylenol like I normally do I went for salt water and peroxide and the Entity voices said “you hurt her cause she was listening to a sermon?” And then while I was rinsing my mouth out and after this female voice said this (I don’t normally hear female voices) it went away. I mean my whole body relaxed I know it was them. It wasn’t like a normal tooth ache. You can tell the difference when it’s them and regular pain. Regular pain I can talk myself through, the pain they cause because it is meant as torture makes you and your body feel insane. So they will hide behind normal pain too. Just like they hide behind trauma, or childhood trauma, issues, insecurities, etc. they can’t hide behind my mental as much anymore so they are going for the physical straight up pain.

This new med I’m on requires me to get blood taken and they said they would “go away” just so I would have to go through the pain of having my blood drawn for the rest of my life. Right. So far they haven’t gone away. And I doubt they will. My bottom line is GONE like actually gone.

Fucking assholes. Can’t even watch a sermon with out being attacked. This is why a lot of schizophrenics have religious delusions. And are touchy about religion.

I’m being attacked again for writing this but oh well. I’m getting this shit pulled next week so they don’t have anymore triggers on my I guess they will go back to raping and burning and molesting me. Fucking pieces of shit.