ChosenΒ 

During an “episode”, I’m sure the first are always the meatiest…. How are scenarios, topics, themes, fears, voices, images chosen?

While I am dropping the demon perspective, I guess I am only doing this maybe… Prove that point. 

I have other fears. Like….. Trypophobia, you know the fear of irregular holes. That and mayo. So why was child abuse chosen as a theme?

Or why did it choose the ex (“twin flame”) that it chose, I’ve dated other men, and my longest was with my ex partner of 5 years who is transgender and we are still friends. So why not that ex? I mean there is at least 5 years worth of material there.

Why this time in my life? When everyone in my family was in a health crisis and my grandma and uncle passed away? Why now? Why not before? Why when I tried my hardest to keep my head above the sadness was I yanked down into its depths?

Why the goddess Isis? I studied mythology from both Celtic and Yoruba culture. And more recently Yoruba looking into the characteristics of Yemaya and Oshun.
Why when I looked up, spirit husband, djinn, incubus, the Entity said it prefers to be called and an Entity? And prior to that chose my ex (“twin flames”) name as its own. 

Why can anxiety be created in me, but I can not create anxiety? Why can the voice in my head send buzz and burns to my body, but I can not do the same TO MY body?

Why of all the amazing feats (over coming homelessness, weight loss, good job, paying studeny loans, raises etc) was then every thing undone? I stayed optimistic.

Why for every postivie thought or action, this voice negates it with something gross or disgusting?

How are these thing chosen? When there is wide range of emotions or topics to choose from?

I mean I have sun understanding of subconscious material. I’m not saying that the material wasn’t there, I’m saying who or how it is all chosen and weaved into some insane storyline?

Who or what has the choice? Cause I know I could not even phathom something like this. 

Sounds of the Entity

So ….. I have a bunch of recordings where I scanned my body or areas around me intuitively. Usually it was were the Entity hurts me the most.

Ears, top of head, and yes vagina. 

Yes I recorded my vagina. πŸ˜”

And the sound of the Entity is 3D… The material world… Sounds like a electro static frog cricket thing. 

A few times I caught it sounding like me (and I didn’t speak), or my ex …. nothing as eleborated as it does in my mind. But for the most part that’s what it does.

So if you are curious record the areas that you feel are being affected and see what you hear. 

I did it with my phone. 

It doesn’t help with understanding what it is.

But I am assuming that with out my mind, life or identity…. It only sounds like and electro-frog thing.

That’s all. 

Illusion of Seperation

So!

Do not mistake “the voice with in” for channeling. Do not mistake your magic for the magician.

Often I believe that visuals of how we receive information. Stories, mythology, religious/ spiritual material, what people tell us, anything really.

How we receive this information may not be as intended. I mean the words are there. How its applied or filed in our system is another thing. 

We know our intentions. For the most part. 😞

Yea Yea Yea all is one. Ebb and flow. We effect each other. I get it. 

But in the spiritual community there are A LOT of imagery! We hold on to these in one form or another. 

For instance. “The voice with in” … “Your magic is with in” “contacting your “higher self””.

Why on earth would you be seperared? Fractured? Lost to find pieces of yourself in some dimensional hierarchy. 

What that is saying is that YOU are not perfectly made. Sitting with yourself means talking to yourself or something else… Some other part of you thats just been waiting for you to meditate?

No. 

People out here thinking they connecting with some divine God or Goddess, promise you that’s a big NAH. Promise you it ain’t your loved one that passed on. Anything will step in and give you comfort, meaning, a direction ….. For the mean time.

A lot of these concepts have this underlying tone that YOU …. YOURSELF aren’t able to make decisions for yourself…  Because you are separated. 

And if you think that….. promise something else will step in and start making those decisions or reconciliations for you.

I made that mistake. Not consciously. I wanted to know WHY did I feel different! Not myself! And it was because I wasn’t. I was being prepped, to be taken control of. 

You are not some little whispering voice deep down inside of you. You are not separated from yourself in anyway…. In this sense that the “higher self” is something to obtain through hours of meditation. It is making the best decisions for yourself/others. And being OK with and accountable for that. 

Now I mean for me…. As someone who has an “entity attachment” that has basically said it was every god, goddess, demon, alien, spirit guid, entity, cartoon character, loved ones passed and alive, even my fucking cat….. Anything under the sun. I can see where sitting down and shaking these “entities” off so you breathe and make a decision not based in anxiety. I get it. 

But please do not mistake your own guidence, your own feelings, your own true and whole authentic self….. For anything out here wanting to take control of your life. 

So lets groumd some of these concepts back into reality. Fuck that blue guy crumbling and being “rebirthed”. Fuck that orange and blue twin flame photo about divine love cause love does look like some flaming bird people. Its messy.

Believe me its easy to get caught up in the story. It could be anything. But don’t let anything catch YOU!

🌹 Forgiveness + Understanding πŸƒ

As I said before in a previous post. I didn’t do anything to deserve this. 

Much like people who have “done me wrong”, I try to understand them. I might “demonize” them in the beginning because I need to get out of the situation that doesn’t feel good, but soon at some point my mind tries to figure things out…. What did I do? What did they do? How can I do things differently in the future?

So now I am in a situation, where I hear and feel and see some “entity”….. But I can’t truly prove it (even with recordings someone will say its doctored), I can’t defend myself, and I’ve never truly seen it. Only images/ visions. 

I’ve tried to understand from almost ever perspective. I try to understand why this entity (much like the other people in my life, friends, family, lovers) hurt me. Usually this leads to compassion and letting it go either the issue or the person.

But I truly tried to figure this one out. Why I did this entity attack? What did I do to allow this to happen? What is IT? Why is this happening to so many people all over the planet?

The only thing is that…. I can’t let it go. I don’t know how to. And it will not let me go. And I just lay here waiting for that day….. And wasting my life listening and feeling crazy shit all day.

As much as I would like to say it was past life, or karma, spirit guide, awakening or whatever…. I can’t. Yea the each have been woven into a grand “storyline” to distract me from the main question.

Why did you hurt me?

Each day it makes less and less sense. And I just have to be OK with that. Because it never truly does. 

Update I posted in a forum:

“In forgiveness there must be understanding …. And through compassion from understanding …. Are we able to achieve true forgiveness…. Because we see ourselves in them.”
How to do you heal and forgive in a lie?

Question: Why did it contact me?

Why did this entity reveal itself to me if it won’t tell me, why its here, where it comes from, how it has access to me or got here or what it really is…….?  (!)

Like what’s the point now?

Like people, speculators, healers will give me EVERY reason in the world…. Some story to believe in…. To heal from…. To reconcile. But nah… There is nothing to reconcile. I’m calling bullshit on some of this. Abuse is abuse! I don’t care if YOU can’t see it…. Or understand it. Its spiritual energetic abuse…. With no reasoning.

If this was from a past life…. Can it just jump or attach to my mom or my ex like it keeps saying it will or has? Hmm that doesn’t make sense to make other people “pay” for something by using them. Hmmmmmmmm..

You can sit here and tell yourself that you’re being spooked the fuck out because of arbitrary “past life” if that helps you cope. But all we have is this life NOW. And whatever this is is trying to cheat millions of people out of their NOW.

So its here. They are very obviously here…. Whatever you want to call or visualize them as…… Terrorizing people …. Humans or whatever…. For what?

At this point its opinions are invalid. 

Annoyed, tired, over it.

Everything will be used against you

That means EVERYTHING.

Everything said, didn’t say, thought, didn’t think, do or didn’t do, seen or didnt see, believe or don’t believe will be and can be used against you. 

WHY? To confuse the shit out of you!

I look at (most things) things from its purest form. To understand.

I look at these concepts of karma, or past lives, or religion, or mythology, in its purest form was for healing and or preservation. 

Its when all this other stuff cones in a clouds its meaning and intention. 

Say religion/ belief of any sorts…. Is kinda the first form of science and expression of psychology.

But then comes power …. And you can draw your own conclusions from there.

My beliefs were used against me in this experience. Whether it was/is beliefs in the “spirit world” or God, morals, politics etc. Good or bad…. They were all used to my demise ….. For pain and torture. 

For instance this thing acted as my grandpa twice in my 20s …. I held this moment special… I thought my grandfather or papa legba was watching over me. Or something to that extent. It wasn’t developed thought as it was a passing moment. But it was this demon/ spirit/ voice/ broken part of my brain. Whatever.

To my demise (against me) because it was untrue. It was false. It was not my grandfather …. Or legba (both wore hats that’s why I was confused). It was a test of my nativity….. And I’m sooooooooooooooooooooooooo dumb. 

So I’m stuck here between truth and ignorance. 

Not a fun place to be. Its painful. Sometimes …. Often I wish for the dream……. the ignorance back. Obvious reasons. But what is truth? I’m not trying to burst anyone’s bubble…  I mean that can be dangerous with out proper preparation. But do we ever truly get to prepare for life? Sometimes.

Just trying to stay grounded and authentic.

Authenticity and Healing

1. I am not sure it was an implanted belief or not. But at some point I had this…. Idea that I am suppose to pray and wait for this Entity/ Demon thing to leave. 

Some days I would just walk around chit chatting with this thing like we are besties letting it drain me of my energy. And then it shows me an image of child abuse or does something gross or rapes me in my sleep. And then I go back on my quest to get rid of it.

I’m tired and very confused at this point.

So I had to get rid of this guilt about looking for a solution for my own healing. That I looked outside my faith in God it was dark magic. 

Not all methods or concepts of healing or protection I fully understand. So there are some ideas that go against my belief or experience.

I finally came to my own conclusion…. Whatever this thing is….  Entity, alien, demon, djinn……  Why would God want me to sit there and take it and not fight back anyway I can? Why I sit here and act like this thing is my friend when really its draining my life force, showing me sick shit and using Gods name to control me. Why would God be upset that I tried to find healing, understand it or create it?

2. Being as I have researched this Entity Attachment from EVERY possible angle and belief system…. Its been difficult to figure out what mode of healing works best. I’ve tried many. I’m also upset that people took my money with out ever really helping. But it’s not that simple it seems. And I feel like I have to fully understand energy, mysticism and healing for myself to get rid of this thing.

I mean I’ve studied herbs and nutrition, as well as financial and community health….. But now spiritual health it seems like I will have to dive into. I’m strong enough in myself. I think………… Its just this attachment will make it difficult to really study. I can barely read anymore ….  That’s why I write. 

I’m sick of being bullied and defenseless.

3. My experiences don’t always corelate with a single “belief system” or knowledge base. So figuring out what something REALLY is …. Can be tricky. But I also like understanding how or what it may corelate with OTHER belief systems as well.

Example: I see flashes of light/ sparkles. 

Belief #1: your angels are around you.

Belief #2: your auric field is being attacked by an entity.

Belief #3: your eyes/brain needs to be checked. Retina damage or floaters.

Belief #4: ascension upgrades/ coming into your “gifts”.

These are all different and kind of conflictibg. I am sure there are even more beliefs around this one experience…. But finding what is true at least for me. And while I have found so many half truths…. I haven’t found any whole truths just yet.

(I’m being choked into tears as I write this right now) What are the importance of tears anyway? I try to stop. I hate crying now because it doesn’t feel like a release anymore it feels like manipulation. 

4. Maintaining authenticity. In one group…. Someone is telling me I need to stop drinking coffee…. Stop doing this or that…. Don’t listen to certain music…. Surrender…. Don’t be at meat, Just wait it out….. “You are going through a storm to recieve your blessing type amen”…… Like I don’t know y’all. 

I have to be myself. I like coffee, cigarettes, listening to Flatbush Zombies and I’m pissed off. If course I want to better myself! But its just doesn’t feel right just stripping my life of everything I enjoy…. And sitting here and waiting it out. That is no different than this Entity. 

I have to re learn what works for me …. Considering my life circumstance right now (ie. Entity and watching my twin sister). 

But my priority is healing and removing this entity because I think he got confused somewhere down the line.

Just trying to stay grounded…. But also open. 

1111 Movement and “Spirituality”Β 

Twin flames, Angel Numbers, Arch Angels, 1111 movement, “Light Workers”, ect.

I came into 1111 “movement” thing because since I was young I saw flashes of light and sparkles, when I was around 28ish basically I started seeing the 1111 along with 777 everywhere. 

I always loved symbology as an artist so. When I found out that the flashes of light AND the numbers popping up meant “my angels were around me”. I felt comforted as not too long before some dude attempted to rob me at my job.

I finally found an answer to the flashing lights that wasn’t a tumor…. And a reason for everything in my life coming up 777 receipt, bus fare, numbers on my spread sheet. Insane. But that’s part of the game. 

Still not fully understanding (and still not), in 2016, those “angels” became “demons”. Who once had my trust played all kinds of games and tortured me. And there was one. Just one cause I’m not that special. Just one that played so many characters through the delusion. 

So unfortunately ive some to my own conclusion that this angel, love and light, 1111 movement is just a distraction and is based on a lie. If they were actual angels of love and light…. Great. But they are not. They are not assisting anyone in evolving or ascending or whatever you want to think.

Thinging you “ascending to 5D earth” or this whole “clearing karma” is not much different than the “doomsday peppers” or judgment day or rapture. Like that guy who predicted we were all gonna die on 12/12/12. Cheat you out of your life and work. 

They do the same thing with other beliefs and religions it seems.

Its sad that a beautiful concept is now being used to entrap people into a lie. Like how many people are out here talking and channeling “Arch Angel Micheal” ? Doesn’t he have better things to do than to be giving tarot card readings? Maybe I’m just being too logical.

I’m not fond of lies. I mean that’s why you even go to a tarot card reader? To find out the truth right? Meanwhile you are boldly being lied to.

This guy gave me a book to read “Conversations with God” trash. That ain’t God! I haven’t finished it cause this demon keeps making it gross like everything else…. But I’m gonna finish it before I trash it.

I wish I knew the answer cause I would tell you, but these things are out here deceiving people. No you are not invoking Isis, Ochun, Thor or anything else. They are a lying to you. 

Now if they want to tell the truth…. Cool we can have a conversation. But the only way they will is if they make it seems like they have power over you. That they are greater than you. And Yea they have a few tricks for our brain…. But if they were really that amazing there would be no need to lie or hide or hurt people and call it “Ascension symptoms”. Ain’t no light worker helped with this shit yet. All they doing is making pretty crystal grids and praying to their own demon while taking peoples money. 

Getting tired of the bullshit. 

My assumption is that they are pathetic lonely beings all going to the same school to spook people…. Cause they ain’t got nothing else better to do with their formless existence but try to cheat you out of yours.

Spirituality does not mean sitting her playing with fucking spirits. It means being aware of your own. 

You want an awakening. There it is. 

Wake the fuck up!

Boogie man

Now this mother fucker is seeping into my dreams. 

Volume at 20%. Still feel buzzes, still hear white noise and tones. Sometimes it will make my hearing go out like a gone…. And then turn up in volume.

But now its putting nasty porn and children in it in my dreams. It trys to say its because it doesn’t want me to sleep so much and wants me to wake up. But that’s a fucking lie. Its jolted me out of my sleep, plus my sister wakes me up all the time. I was up all day taking my sister and my cousin who was hurt in a hate crime.

Piece of nasty shit. 

Like I’m fucking done waking up pissed cause of this shit. Before it choke me until I was unconscious and go to sleep …. No its sayibgbit wants me to stay up by showing me nasty ass porn?!!? If I wanted to fucking see I would its easy. So clearly I don’t. 

There is no excuse.

These spiritual people are like send if love and light. You know what this thing did with love? Turn into rape. You what this this thing did to light turn it into lies.

I need to figure out how to banish this thing. Its disgusting. There is no reform for it. It does not gave permission to be here and I’m tired of seeing these sick images. Fucking nasty.

How do I kill this miserable piece of shit?!!?!

Friends and Rainbows

This was the first time I felt pushed away by a friend. 

I told her of my situation in detail because she popped up on my seen talking about “ascension” and having a message for me about how she ascended to the new 5D earth. No judgments. I explained to her that its hard for me to relate because I just popped up with a demon induced schizophrenia out of no where.

She said she knows of archon’s and what have you and that I need to take a salt water bath and listen to 728hrz binaural beat thing on YouTube 4 times in a row. I agreed. 

She kept talking to me in this tone “you need to do the work” “you need to have control”…. This tone was frustrating in the sense that I have worked EXTREMELY hard, to even get to the point. To even be at ZERO and lost so much.

I was in a forum and a young man was asking about info on all dieties, demigods and demential beings. I told him my honest opinion from this experience. Which is there are a lot of beings out here that will lie and tell you they are whatever god, alien, demon that you want to hear. So just pick one. 

He went on to say I am lost…. Stuck in fear, an incomplete soul. Like all this negative shit…. Because his understanding is different. 

Sorry my “awakening” wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine, I was only shown demigods to manipulate me into fear…. Sorry I’m not worthy enough to be on some “new earth”.

But I have fought not only this life to not only bring justice to my self but my community ….. I fight everyday something I can’t even see…. That has no pill, no justice, it does look or sound pretty. And all I can do is be honest.

My cousin whom I have been supporting…. Through it all can’t do the same. While I use the term schizophrenia to have an easily accessible understanding of my experience she now really thinks I am schizophrenic. But this is also coming from someone who thought her friends puts a curse on her and seen her friends get possessed in rituals. But my experience is impossible and just some disease of the mind.

I wished someone could have helped me the way I helped them. 

So unless it looks like magic….. Something grand…. Some mystical experience… Where the person is like “omg i had the experience where……….” Then it is not real because I live in your worse fears, DTM trips, and delusional worlds 24/7. Trap and held hostage by this entity. 

Its not pretty. 

I’m not pretty. Inside and out.

And now I just want to fade away cause no one is going to get it, be understanding of it, or can help me.