Invisible Abuse (Spiritual)

How do you talk about invisible abuse? Much like all abusers they silence you, keep up a facade and make you look crazy or weak.

While I was working with homeowners during era of abusive mortgage lending practices. We didn’t have a name for it but they all knew their pain, all had the same symptoms. They all had a look on their face, seeing 20, 30, 50+ years of homeownership washed away. We couldn’t name the abusers because everyone’s hand was in the pot. And they had flipped the loan so many times often they were paying the wrong services. This abuse was silent for years, if not a decade. It took hours of storytelling and unraveling tears and trying to make sense do just the tiniest bit of change to come about.

It’s not fair that I can not take my abuser to court. I can not find my own justice because I can not touch an Entity…..a demon. I get labeled as crazy and schizo and given meds that make high and feel like death. Because what I experience “isn’t real”. I’m suppose to take accountability for “allowing the demon in my life”, because I didn’t do enough salt baths, I didn’t eat properly, I didn’t put a bubble of white light around me, I didn’t pray enough, wasn’t Christian enough. And that’s the excuse for abuse…… for spiritual abuse……

Then I go to someone…….a healer in hopes they can name my pain. That someone actually believes me…..relieve me. And often I was met with prices that superseded any church, or anything I’ve ever spent money on. And was told to take my meds and I wasn’t doing “something enough”.

I’m still getting tortured still getting raped. Still being fucked with. Not because I haven’t taken enough salt baths, not because I didn’t try the meds, not because I didn’t gain my “authority” and tell this demon to leave, not because I didn’t pray enough or trust enough….. but because this has yet to be truly named.

I have yet to identify my abuser. Just Mr. Entity that can sound like a guy or girl and look like anything. I have yet to say what this truly is because each sect approaches it differently.

I can see, but I can not see how this all happens. And why me? Or anyone else for that matter.

“Take everything as a lesson!?!?!” Really that’s what you tell someone reliving rape over and over and over again? A lesson? Where’s the lesson for the rapist? Why must the victim always show compassion be the bigger person?

This is spiritual abuse!!!!!!

It wasn’t my fault I got raped! Why do I have to fucking relive it!?

I know how my mind function! This is not me! Saying “that’s your mind” is an excuse and a cop out to uncover some really scary shit! And I live it every fucking day! While trying to keep my shit together!

I just try to ignore the rape now, that’s how common it is. But I can’t.

I’m just tired.


Paranormal Trends

So like………………………..

what’s good?

I spoke about this before in my blog, but many of my guy friends who experience “hearing voices” or demonic experiences believe it is Targeted Individual Mk Ultra stuff covered up by the government.

Like before that it was aliens.

Before that was ghosts.

For that was spirits and demons and angels.

So like what’s really good?

It’s can’t be this many people. And like no one in the whole wide world knows what the heck is going on. When I thought us was some conspiracy the voices rolled with it. When I thought it was demons they rolled with it…… reluctant to roll with the reptilian thing but whatever they fit the profile. Whatever it is they have found a way to stop this shit?!

You know much this shit hurts!? Physically mentally and emotionally!?! Like damn. Like seriously I have felt like my brain was going through a grater. I have been electrocuted. Like damn.

Shit all I wanted to do was be boo’ed up eats some organic fruits and veggies and like live honestly. Shit.

And now I’m out here in the astral plane playing dungeons and fucking dragons and shit. Waste of my life.

They did not tell you this shit in the Bible. They said shit happens AFTER you die. Not while you are living.

So freaking lame.

Hell Matrix

First off fuck Winston Churchill for being a racist.

But I remember this quote popped up on my Facebook feed years ago. Encouraging me to wade through the struggles of capitalism and interpersonal relationships.

But little did I know it could be SO FUCKING REAL. Like shit …… I didn’t mean that shit literally.

Now I see demons and reptilians and shit all day. Hearing some voice that won’t shut up and desperately wants to be human but comes off as psychotic. It’s a lame existence.

Either way do you have a choice?

Awakening and Rites of Passage

What is the difference between secret societies and say spiritual communities.

My mind rolled through so many things. Mainly culture and consent.

Much of what I know from like secret society there is a level of consent that is broken. Usually Hazing. But in spiritual communities a person is prepared through teachings for a journey.

I had both and neither. No spiritual meme on the internet could have prepared me for awakening, no scripture for the hazing of schizophrenia.

I guess not until you are actually there. And by then ……. preparation doesn’t matter.

If one no longer consents to their awakening or cultural “rite of passage” does it stop it? Do you even have that right? What happens after? Do our journeys become less rich because we wanted to tell our own stories?

Is wisdom only experienced?

I am saddened by how much value we give pain in our society. “No pain no gain” “sacred wounds” I have even heard the term “sacred abuse”.

Pain happens so much in this body. To the point we learn to overlook the pain. We can say the same thing for collective body as a people. Humanity.

We overlook our pain. The times when things were not ok but we just kept going. We didn’t address it out of fear, or properly treat it.

So when will our rites of passage be the one where we get to tell OUR stories. Actually tell our stories. Free of reactions to your pain inflicted.

Beyond reckoning or reconciliation.

True creators.

The Great Love Debate

So Valentine’s Day is off my holiday list for person reasons and historical reason.

Personally I have dated a few dude who I think are crippled by valentines believing it is a prerequisite to marriage and act like a total asshole or avoid me all together ending up in a fight on or around valentines so spare me the hearts and holidays I will act like it doesn’t exist since a box of chocolates causes a malfunctions in the male brain.

Also for a historical reason. Given it’s dark past it is only fitting I would suffer as well. Given the Romans would abuse young woman “into fertility” and paired with a random dude, and then later on the murder of St. Valentine I believe.

On my Facebook timeline I keep seeing all these positive affirmations of “love yourself” “date yourself” these funny videos of dudes making out with their reflections, or people’s valentines being their dogs. It’s funny uplifting I get it.

And I guess I want to challenge this idea becoming overwhelming consumed with ourselves of loosing our heart connections with others.

It hurts. Instead we should be practicing learning and relearning better ways at communication. How we can show up, hold space and actually be there for each other and our selves. To be honest.

Why in a world of 8 billion do we feel alone? Have we ever thought that is mental conditioning? To keep us isolated? Docile? Trippin on who’s right?

Is this this the trade off for a capitalist empire? In the U.K. They recently appointed a “Minister of Loneliness” to address the issues because apparently it’s that serious of an issue. Are we so consumed with our stuff, and jobs and our false fantasy ideas of what a relationship looks like from media that we opt out?

That wasn’t my reasoning, of course if you read my blog it’s because I have been under constant attack by a Demonic Entity and much of my energy is reserved for emergencies only when it comes to friends near by. And I don’t have the heart to get my heart broken again by some tinder dude that just wants a long term hook up until he can get another girl.

Plus feeling watched was not hot.

Either way fuck Vday, fuck capitalism, fuck this false sense of loneliness. Fuck this demon!


I was reminded of this Celtic knot symbol as I was closing my “channels” with my left finger thumb to pointer and right hand thumb to index legs crossed.

This moment I can here the different tones change with each finger except the pinky. Lol.

I also thought about how in this close loop if we have mastery of self then we have no need to have power over anyone else.

My assumption would be that we would naturally be working towards the same goal in some shape or form.

I however have not. Not enough to keep the reptilians away. But I guess it’s a process.


Imaginary Friend πŸƒπŸ‘»πŸƒ

I had some “the gruge” like or alien raptor visuals in the begining ….. But I laughed at them …. So oddly my visuals are not AS strong although I have like floating emojis around the house which are odd and visions of child abuse or which is terrifying or random photos of people. 

I guess I am more stern because of the auditory …. Speaking creates more of a relationship. So it’s like one moment the voices would have me crying from saying moms gonna die, then sucidial from a sick visual of child sexual abuse and then trying manipulate me back into a friendly demeanor by making jokes or saying they love me. I realized this was a cycle of abuse. 

The Reconciliation /Honeymoon phase is “The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation, disrespect, confusion, and may mistakenly feel responsible. Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident, this phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change.” 

The first time I was introduced to this was when my best friend in high school told me that her mom would beat her, and then clean her wounds and tell her sorry and it won’t happen again and do it again. I asked my mom if she could live us but she couldn’t. 

Once I found this habitual pattern of abuse…. As much as those funny moments are so important for relief to the constant verbal abuse… To love and not hate…. To laugh….. I sadly had to accept that these voices will never change…. And I can no longer enable their abuse. Nor can I trust any attempt to gain my trust. 

This is called trauma. Not being able to leave a state of constant distrust or being on gaurd…… Physically harms the body in itself as well as how I interact with others. I’m trying to simply be clear and stern about my boundaries rather than be become a full blown narc. But it hurts and its hard because this is NOT my true nature. 

Sans the sick twisted abusive stuff…. I have no problem having an imaginary alien rapture friend that remixes gregorian music, plays air ghost tic tac toe and makes decent jokes given a natrual break in communication and with out pain from them touching me is gone.

Yea…. I am liberal about being crazy.

Opposite World: “As above So Below” β˜πŸ‘‡

Kundalini is a eastern spiritual concept. Prayer is a western spiritual concept or can be known as meditation. And “shadow work” is a western psychological concept.

So Carl Jungs “Shadow Work identifies the “issue”, where is comes from and the belief that supports it. And the “prayer” or meditation  helps to find I guess a solution or letting go control of it through belief.  For me I take the prayer a step further and put an action with it ….. Which would be a Kundalini “Reversal”.

Schizophenia is like being stuck in mirror world, opposite world, upside down world. It’s like you are constantly met with the opposite, kept from joy that seem like its with reach.

Being the opposite of what you know yourself to be is called “negative symptoms. If you were super motivated and organized …  And one day you wakevup disheveled and depressed. Negative symptom is essentially what you knew yourself as being “taken away”. 

This whole “as above so below” means what? That may be the biggest lie ever. Above where? Below where? We say “On earth as it is in heaven”. I have no idea what heaven is like. So how does that translate to earth? I have no idea what hell is actually like…. But this experience was pretty fucking close.

How do we move out of the limits of this oppression?

My idea of a mirror was that my actual traits would be reflected back to me…. That what I try to bring into the world would be reflected back and actually make a difference. That you do unto others as you would have done unto you because well… We hope that that happens to us too…. But one too many times this did not play out the way I thought it would…. And you move on…. But now I am stuck….

Kinda just bombarded by all that is the world…. But not the beauty the things I wish were changed about the world.

Buzz Head 🐝🐝

 (Original photo done by an artist in my schiz group.)

So I was sleeping and my head kept buzzing. Like a seizure, but then I had to literally peel myself out of a lucid dream.

I kept seeing the image above as I woke up and was still in it. And once I moved physically it stopped. Seizures don’t stop once you move out of the area. It was sleep paralysis on my brain. It’s the same buzzing on my vag.

Seriously what’s the point? And what is different now than it was say two or three years ago?

Why are we generally seeing the same thing? 

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