Imaginary Friend ๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿ‘ป๐Ÿƒ

I had some “the gruge” like or alien raptor visuals in the begining ….. But I laughed at them …. So oddly my visuals are not AS strong although I have like floating emojis around the house which are odd and visions of child abuse or which is terrifying or random photos of people. 

I guess I am more stern because of the auditory …. Speaking creates more of a relationship. So it’s like one moment the voices would have me crying from saying moms gonna die, then sucidial from a sick visual of child sexual abuse and then trying manipulate me back into a friendly demeanor by making jokes or saying they love me. I realized this was a cycle of abuse. 

The Reconciliation /Honeymoon phase is “The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation, disrespect, confusion, and may mistakenly feel responsible. Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident, this phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change.” 

The first time I was introduced to this was when my best friend in high school told me that her mom would beat her, and then clean her wounds and tell her sorry and it won’t happen again and do it again. I asked my mom if she could live us but she couldn’t. 

Once I found this habitual pattern of abuse…. As much as those funny moments are so important for relief to the constant verbal abuse… To love and not hate…. To laugh….. I sadly had to accept that these voices will never change…. And I can no longer enable their abuse. Nor can I trust any attempt to gain my trust. 

This is called trauma. Not being able to leave a state of constant distrust or being on gaurd…… Physically harms the body in itself as well as how I interact with others. I’m trying to simply be clear and stern about my boundaries rather than be become a full blown narc. But it hurts and its hard because this is NOT my true nature. 

Sans the sick twisted abusive stuff…. I have no problem having an imaginary alien rapture friend that remixes gregorian music, plays air ghost tic tac toe and makes decent jokes given a natrual break in communication and with out pain from them touching me is gone.

Yea…. I am liberal about being crazy.

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Opposite World: “As above So Below” โ˜๐Ÿ‘‡

Kundalini is a eastern spiritual concept. Prayer is a western spiritual concept or can be known as meditation. And “shadow work” is a western psychological concept.

So Carl Jungs “Shadow Work identifies the “issue”, where is comes from and the belief that supports it. And the “prayer” or meditation  helps to find I guess a solution or letting go control of it through belief.  For me I take the prayer a step further and put an action with it ….. Which would be a Kundalini “Reversal”.

Schizophenia is like being stuck in mirror world, opposite world, upside down world. It’s like you are constantly met with the opposite, kept from joy that seem like its with reach.

Being the opposite of what you know yourself to be is called “negative symptoms. If you were super motivated and organized …  And one day you wakevup disheveled and depressed. Negative symptom is essentially what you knew yourself as being “taken away”. 

This whole “as above so below” means what? That may be the biggest lie ever. Above where? Below where? We say “On earth as it is in heaven”. I have no idea what heaven is like. So how does that translate to earth? I have no idea what hell is actually like…. But this experience was pretty fucking close.

How do we move out of the limits of this oppression?

My idea of a mirror was that my actual traits would be reflected back to me…. That what I try to bring into the world would be reflected back and actually make a difference. That you do unto others as you would have done unto you because well… We hope that that happens to us too…. But one too many times this did not play out the way I thought it would…. And you move on…. But now I am stuck….

Kinda just bombarded by all that is the world…. But not the beauty the things I wish were changed about the world.

Buzz Head ๐Ÿ๐Ÿ


 (Original photo done by an artist in my schiz group.)

So I was sleeping and my head kept buzzing. Like a seizure, but then I had to literally peel myself out of a lucid dream.

I kept seeing the image above as I woke up and was still in it. And once I moved physically it stopped. Seizures don’t stop once you move out of the area. It was sleep paralysis on my brain. It’s the same buzzing on my vag.

Seriously what’s the point? And what is different now than it was say two or three years ago?

Why are we generally seeing the same thing? 

Prayer Prescription

 https://youtu.be/5BL5difS4GA

Shanel Cooper-Sykes popped up on my timeline today for the first time and had a wonderful workshop on prayer on her live feed.

She had mentioned something about the opposite writing out what’s wrong and then writing out what the opposite of that would be. 

I have always mentioned opposite world. I felt like everything I was asking for …. Everything I was in awe of….. Everything I loved ….  I was getting the opposite of that. 

And when I would try to be in the affirmative the Demons would actually yell out OPPOSITE!

I am willing to give this a shot. I never prayed to ask for anything. So this is new to me. And well….. I don’t know what or who to trust anymore. These demons have acted as the “holy spirit”….. So I got some deep spiritual trust issues. 

It’s major.

I’m gonna try this prayer challenge. I didn’t know you could pray wrong but…. But I guess when you are out if flow…. 

Spiritual Bypassing Revisited. ๐Ÿ˜ฒ๐Ÿ˜ฒ๐Ÿ˜ฒ

So spiritual bypassing. 

We are basically saying that if you don’t get almost literally spiritually jumped and cosmically punched in the face that you don’t get the badge of honor of being “inept”. To………… What? 

Do y’all see how we are perpetuating abuse even through our spiritual communities. 

We allow these “spirits” entities to cause harm and then run around thinking its an honor….. And we are enlightened. 

GUYS FUCK THAT!

FUCK THAT TODAY AND TOMORROW AND FOREVER FUCK THAT!

Basically you are enabling cosmic spiritual bullying.

And we are suppose to grow from that?!

Think about how fucking backwards that is? 

Its perpetating abuse.

If someone is in an abusive relationship do you tell them to stay in the relationship and forgive them while they are being beat? 

A lot of these people going around talking about accept the dark and light…. And spiritual bypassing never been raped by some random ass entity and then being told to forgive them. Forgiveness is a process. And protecting ones self is the first step. Abuse stopping is the first step. 

And forgiveness is a choice. 

I’ve always been like this. Ever since school. School is forced… Information forced…. Most of its a lie to perpetuate ignorance. Most of its not useful and most what actually learn and find useful is on the job you are forces to engage in to survive. 

Let’s really rethink the spiritual concepts we spew out. All we are doing is excusing entitities, energies, demons, whatever to play a roll in our lives, and there shouldn’t be any. They made their choice. And they keep making their choice the more you allow them to “punish” or abuse us senselessly which only enables their bad behavior.

Its not a badge of honor….. It’s ignorance. 

๐Ÿ™

Triggered: Goddess Isis ๐Ÿ

As I said before when I was a kid my family gave me a lot of Egyptian stuff. Books, kits, games, writing stuff, art …. going to the museum. So it was something that always stuck with me.

But the Demonic Archon was forcing me to say “I AM Isis” and then called itself Osiris (my ex twin flame) and was raping me and calling me a child molestor and then forcing me to be christian and then trying to force me into suicide (“for my twin flame and dying of molestation”) and just all kinda shit. Just fucked up shit. 

And so like you know shit comes up on Facebook about goddess…. Like whatever …. But it Isis came up a few times today and I feel triggers. Like something that was special to me…. Has been defiled. it just reminds me of rape. That was something my family gave to me.

They rape visions as Isis…. Where fucked up. Like idk.

I don’t know what the point of all of that was or is.

So…. Whatever. 

Suicide Squads โœ‹

So like I have a handful of people I met through my schizo group that I tried to help when they were suicidal. … And my cousin and like….. 

I can barely get through today and I am trying to talk people down from going on a suicidal rampage and burning themselves and having nervous break downs…. And I have no one there for me… As always. 

I ignored my cousin…. The suicide rampage one stopped talking to me and the burn dude calmed down. 

I have nothing to give. I feel like I’m dying. It hurts so much I don’t even know if this is the schiz or not anymore. It’s just so intense ….. I can hear my skull cracking from pressure like a sinus infection.

Idk. The only thing that listens is this blog. I don’t care if anyone reads it.

Idk I can barely make it …. Running on empty…. No end in sight…. And like my friend constantly saying he is going to harm himself …. Is like more than I can bare. But I want them to be ok. 
Omg this hurts so much! I don’t know if it hurts more cause I know its fake. 

On Sadness

In every moment of sadness, another layer of outdated cellular memories leaves your energy field.

As each layer is released through spontaneous expressions of doubt, despair, and disappointment, the world is equally cleansed and released from the spell of unconsciousness.

This may help you understand how there is nothing to fear when sadness is present. If anything, knowing the energetic purpose behind such a misunderstood emotion reminds you to slow down and relax your body, so you may see how an experience of sadness has absolutely nothing to do with the circumstances and outcomes that bring it to the surface.

Sadness is your highest transformation being recognised in progress.

No matter how lonely it may seem or how devastating it can feel, sadness acts as the unsuspecting sign that a new reality has dawned within you. As this is accepted, the consuming nature of sadness transforms into the peaceful resolve of self-realisation

This helps to dispel any myth about the location of awakening that many believe exists somewhere beyond the grip of sadness. Instead, Awakening is the natural recognition of your essential nature that unfolds with ease, once the healing power of sadness has been survived.

This may also help you see how in itsโ€™ purest form, sadness is not the absence of happiness.

Sadness is actually the clean-up crew of the Universe.

One breakdown at a time, it sweeps every distraction out of your energy field, so the happiness that is always here can be revealed.

SOURCE:

Matt Kahn – http://www.truedivinenature.com

JOIN HERE

In Universal Service โ–ฒ Keeper of The Diamond Light Codes

—————-

I use to think like this. Its just now. I’m not sad….. I’m torture …. Tormented. I was OK with how I handled my emotions until I was attacked. Tricked. 

Now I don’t know what I am anymore. I’m angry. 

I’m angry I have no idea what’s going on with my body or how to fix it. 

I would fix my problems…… other people’s problems….. Plan of action – execute…. Hope for the best ….. And do decent. 

But this I don’t know what to do anymore. So I’m angry, frustrated from trying to do my best which will never seem like enough and then sad cause its almost like it doesnt matter.

No good deed goes unpunished“.

Family Ties ๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿ‘ญ๐Ÿ‘ซ๐Ÿƒ

So my sister had an appointment my mom asked me to go with her to. I told my mom a few days ago I would go no problem.

Me minding my own business laying on my bed looking at Facebook. 

My sister: How are you feeling?

Me: Terrible as always. (Which is something I say all the time cause I’m not gonna lie and say everything is fine when its not. When things are actually fine I have no problem updating.)

Sister: Well you don’t have to go, if you know that’s too much for you ect. 

Me: You are RUDE! 

I felt like my sister is NOW using my schizo to try to gain her independence. Which is RUDE! My mom did the same thing thanksgiving. Asked me for DAYS about going to get a TV for her, and the hour before going she says, 

My Mom: Oh you don’t have to go I know crowds are too much for you.

Me: oh now I’m too crazy to go? (Sarcastically)

Mom: I didn’t say that.

Me: I guess you gonna take your husband. Y’all choose each other. 

Dad: “I’m not gonna let my fucking daughter humiliate me into telling what to do. And your mother never called you crazy. 

Me: Perfect example of why people shouldn’t drink (3 pints of Bloody Mary).

So, if my mom wanted my dad to go then don’t step on my back and use my mental illness to get what you want. Same thing with my sister, if my sister wanted to go by herself then fine, dont try to pin this on me and use my mental illness as an excuse. If I didn’t WANT to go to would say NO. It’s pretty simple. My sister doesn’t even notice she has done this before with her other appointments, because she wanted to test herself and go by herself. Just like she started work not being fully healed. 

I told my sister she is a pawn. Cause its like I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t crying, I was totally chillin and you go and fuck up my day because you didn’t want to upset me by me going with you to your appointment. But now I’m upset. 

No one cares when I asked to turn the TVs down….. Or not to stress me out. Or a day off. 

I’m not taking anyone’s shit. They can’t 1. Make decisions for me. Otherwise don’t ask me to do shit. If I tell you I’m gonna do it, then I made a decision. Otherwise dont ask me and make the decision for me, and pick and choose what you want me to do.

Last night I went to the store, cooked baked chicken, purple potatoes, and asparagus with lemon butter sauce for my family. Which is MAJOR! One cause they actually ate my cooking and two cause I pushed myself. 

So now I can’t go outside all of a sudden? I know myself way too well. 

I’m not taking anyone shit anymore. Family, friends, the guys out here…. This low life piece of ahit alien demon.

I don’t care what plane of existence you are in.

I was totally chillin and gotta fuck up my vibe. 

In the golden light healing meditations we cleaned our cords with family….  I instantly saw a difference in their response. Sister sent me a sweet message on FB and my mom actually let me cook. So it ONLY makes sense that these demons out here want to make them dirty with anger. 

I will have to clear my cords again. I love my family very much…… But they don’t get their implications.

Everyone telling me not to go out NOW….. But I needed that back then and a begged my sister to get a home aid…. But now … It’s just like registering 6+ months later…. 

Which I’ve already died like 800+ times….. And maybe twice actually. So now it doesnt matter…. I’m dead…. I eat dead meat cause I have no choice cause of my family and to not be rude. I am raped and abused this whole time taking care of my sister. I have astral parasitic bugs crawling through my aura and 3rd eye. I was forced to watch child porn through visions from some demonic entity for two years and died every single time. So fuck it….. I’m dead. I died more times than I think a human should.

Fuck it.

So no more bullshit.

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