God Broke My Heart 💔

So I’m sitting here with a positive decision for disability case. I’m labeled schizophrenic now. It makes me sad.

I don’t know what that means for my future. Discrimination is real.

I’m not Job.

But I’ve had so much taken away, home, possessions, job, lovers, friends, innocence …….. down to my sanity.

And I gave it all up. I payed there watching demons and spirits going in and out of my body. Unable to move half the time. Being raped by demons. Shown visions of child sexual abuse. Voices saying I want to have sex with my family members. Watching my ex and rapist get married.

And all I tried to do was make the world a better place. To help others. I gave all my heart and soul to the world FOR God. To combat the evil in this world. The evil I didn’t even know was THIS real.

I never asked for anything from God. Ever. Just thanked God for the opportunities. For the love I got to experience. But this time I begged God to remove this pedo rapist demon out of my life. And not to jump to the next person, but remove it for all.

I spoke to soooo many spiritists, targeted Individuals and schizophrenics…. who all one day out of no where started suffering a demon placing these taboos in their life.

All I wanted, prayed for, examined in waiting was for this to grossness to be removed.

And it hasn’t.

I live everyday jumping over the voices saying pedophile things. I have to love and teach my godson about life with the guilt and shame of even having this voice in my life saying these things while all I am trying to do is love. Bring love, peace, joy, compassion, gentle lessons into this life.

And God hasn’t removed it.

I persevered!

And still. The thorn on my side. The worse possible thing. The idea of hurting a child. Replays at any opportunity.

I’m disgusted with myself even though I know it’s not me. It never was and never will be.

But I begged God to remove it. And God hasn’t. My bottom line is removal. Not sometime pedo, or a little bit of incest. GONE!

And I feel like a brat being unmoving from my position at the same time. But I can’t and will not accept this as my life. It’s not me.

God broke my heart. The one time I begged for God to show up, God didn’t.

I don’t know what that means for me. I don’t know why. I don’t know why God would let me suffer being raped by demons.

I don’t get the lesson. I just feel like a lab rat on all these meds which I never would have taken but I am desperate. I feel like there is this dangling carrot of faith in front of me to get to the prize and I just want it GONE.

And people will tell me it’s because I need this crystal or bath, I’m not praying hard enough or the right way, faith is not strong enough, I need to eat this or that way, I need to cast this spell, that whatever I have done (which has been a lot) was or is never enough. They persecute me like the demons do. That I’m not enough for God grace.

God broke my heart not showing up for this one. And I don’t know what that means for our relationship.

I really don’t know.

My Symptoms (Voices) June Update

There is more but this is what I could update and condense in this email. 

So I’ve tried to document what my experience has been so in case there is anyone out there experiencing the same things. Can’t say youre not crazy (cause im sure thats how you feel) but you are not alone. Very rarely will they be the same themes exactly, but how did you feel? What games where you dragged into?

I am constantly refining what my experience is. Because there are multiple “storylines” or games going on ALONG with my reality. Also anything can change on the whim of the entity.

If you even read all of this shit…. Idk. I’m just trying to make sense of the insanity.

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Symptoms: Just to name a few

Voice(s), spontaneously orgasming (rape)/ waking up horny rolling around in bed like a crack head, extreme headaches, lack of energy or vitality, extreme pressure in the body, jolts to the body, involuntary movement of limbs, abnormal heat in the body, sensation like someone is softly blowing or crawling on me, random images/ visions not of my own personality or likeness, hallucinations (shadows, sparkles, sensations and smells), “seeing energy”- swirly or lines, more frequent dreams/ nightmares, sleep paralysis, ringing in the ears (different tones) as well as white noise, something feeling off, paranoia, not feeling like yourself, Black outs, Bright outs (like black out only overwhelming amount of light), loss of sense of awareness/ or “self”. I feel like I’ve gone through every psychological disorder all in two years.

The Entities List of Demands

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Levels of “Voices”: 

There are levels and volume almost. In the beginning the volume was at a 100 and I could barely do anything. My head was HOT and I felt like my brain was going to explode. Since it has dialed down to like 30.

Will use anything to charm and appeal to you. Humor… Funny visions… Sometimes i would wake up to music in my head like i had headphone on. It will appeal to you only to soon turn on you and make you feel terrible. In the beginning acted as two separate characters a man (terrible) and a woman (good “sympathetic”). Yea no …. It’s one!

Distant Screams: usually repeats the same thing over and over again. Can be amplified by ambient or white noise. I would hear “Fuuuuuuuck Yoooooou”, or “I’m never going to come back again!”.

Cast of Characters: This one is tricky. There are two levels. One is more intimate the other is general and makes you feel paranoid.

  • Intimate: is usually loved ones, those who have passed (acted as my grandpa a few times). Or as telepathic communication between people. Can also parrot loved ones voices. Singular ghosts or spirits, spirit guides, gods or goddesses ect.
  • Cast of Characters: Usually there is a paranoid feeling with this because it can be random strangers. So feeling like you enter a room and everyone is talking about you. Or said something about you when your weren’t looking. Even as though the whole spirit world is talking about you. But why would they do that.

Ambient Sounds: Can come off of ANY sound. So TV, Radios, hums, house noises, nature sounds, other people chatting or passing by. I went to the beach to “ground myself” and the waves were telling me to jump in and kill myself. Not the experience I was hoping for.

You: The voice will also act as you. This one takes discernment. “Implanting ideas” through flashes of images, memories or actual words to steer your conversation or thought process. I also don’t fight it as much because its too much unless it gets out of hand or overwhelming. Can feel like racing thoughts etc because the Entity is trying to act like both you and itself.

Grounding: For me I realized it was ONE voice, One entity (maybe apart of a hive mind) but only ONE with me. All of these character are not real. The reason I realized that it was only one was because it was talking Super duper fast when trying to be multi- characters (including me).

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Games: Mythological, esoteric and religious beliefs, personal history, information skeeeeeewed and distorted.

Can sometimes “tell the future“. But not to your benefit like consoling. Told me it was waiting for my grandma (called her “great day” which was something she use to say) to die. I didn’t believe it and she did. I haven’t even been able to grieve that.

Angel sparkles: seeing flashes of light and dark. I haven’t figured out a pattern for them. (Since I was young 15) also shadows a handful of times since I was 15.

1111: “The wake up call” Synchronicities, master numbers, angel numbers, symbols meanings to everything. Everthing has to have a MORE meaning. “Spirituality”. (Received this since 11/11/11) but as the entity started to attack , I was seeing them so much they almost lost meaning. Just a lot in one day.

Twin Flame: Third worse thing on the fucking planet, was the energy of obsession, lust, love, heart ache and pain but I did not feel connected to (at least not for as long as I did). The entity sounded and acted and flashed visions of my ex (so called twin flame) and assumed the “personality” of my ex and made it seem like there was telepathic communication (by parroting his voice) between my ex and I by telling the future like when he would call or foretelling a song he sent me by The Honey Trees – Orchards…. (Which i never heard of prior) Also used the personality of my ex to psychically rape me every night and pretend he put a black magic curse on me cause we broke up.…. But I mean my ex was an asshole but not pure scum like this entity. It continues to this day to use my ex against me/ hide behind him by saying his name 500+ times a day (obsession), memory or voice and relating my ex back to anything that I am doing, even though I’m am pretty much numb. Ceased all contact with ex because it was too triggering and I didn’t want this entity to have any more material on my ex. No relief yet. (Since 2015-2016/2017ish) 

IAM (Isis/Osiris): Said, “do you know who you are?” “You are 8,000 years old”,  was pretty much forced to say IAM Isis as a part of an agenda to weave the story line of Twin Flame, judgment (condemnation, shame guilt), and soon God play. To my understand the Entity wanted to drag me to the “underworld”, and given an “identity” I was given Isis so that the entity could take it away and given to someone “prettier”. The entity moved on to say this was Alchemy. And made it seem that the more that I agree to engage this game, that I might be rewarded. It asked me what did I want. I said nothing. It said i should want my ex (twin flames name) back. After both my twin flame (“supposed separation phase”), my Isis ID, (along with real things: job, home, money, friends, possessions, sense of self), I was to be be “purified”. But this “purification” was anything BUT, also engaging/ being forced into this process there was also Judgment for “believing” in Isis and I was told to read the bible and then forced into Christianity. But I was only being rolled into just another sphere for MORE judgment (guilting and shaming). Other archetypes and mythological and religious figures where also introduced and assigned to people in my life but not as important. I didn’t find the “I AM RA material” until much later down the line when I was trying to figure out things. I didn’t really finish reading it. There was also a sense of the entity “jumping bodies” or seeming like it can take over other people and stalk. Told me I needed to be in a new “vessal”, which was prep for suicide. (2016)

Past Life: I was told in the I AM game that I small part of Isis’s soul. And had visions of her. Then I was told that Isis was being given away to a prettier woman my ex’s (friend and or his current girlfriend). Now I didnt believe any of this, but again juat wanted it to stop. Once the Isis storyline faded away (but was still used occasionally to make me feel like shit), it went on to past lives. 

One night after work as I was reading the bible, and the entity came in and said that I am suffering because I raped 57 children in a past life. At the time I was working with teens, and the entity moved on from Isis and started calling me, a child molestor. Which literally scared the shit out of me. Because I was told I was molested as a child, before I could even understand what it was I  saw a 20/20 special in the 90s that said that the an abused child becomes predator. All I know is I remember that thumping in my chest. I just remember fear no rationalization just pure fear. I just knew it was bad.

I never had a chance to really work through any of that and don’t remember telling my mom that it scared me. But year or two later my father came back into our lives (after not seeing him for 10 years) and he had a break down and said he never did anything to me. I believe him but all I was left with was some teenage angst and this child hood fear of actually becoming one. But I had to move on with my life quickly.

I can’t even tell you the nightmare it was living in “child molestor world” OMG it was so gross and I can’t even explain the insanity that came from that. Tears roll down my cheek as i even think about it. Being called one, the visions of child abuse, being told I was one in a past life, being told I should happy my dad DID molest me (he didn’t), being told that my eyes were the window for a child molestor. Being told God is a child molestor because he watches his children have sex, Being told I should kill myself because of my “past life”. Just INSANITY and there was no escape …. I had no choice no matter how logical I was. It would switch and say a child molestor meant I am really a mother (I’m not currently one and sure I should after this shit). And I was dealing with this to be a mother. But quickly I was like you know what I’m ok, I don’t need to be a mother that bad we need to stop this process ….. And it didnt stop.  I was in the nightmare living it, sleeping it. Walking around hearing and feeling that you are one was too much. So I quit my job (with youth) and locked myself in my parents house, and tried to figure out what the fuck was happening to me. 

It took me a while to not be completely controlled by the fear the Entity controlled me with. I asked “OK if you know my past life, WHAT WAS MY NAME?“, like I wont be on anscestry. com trying to figure out what the fuck. No name given. Till this day…. It fucks me up, and to some level it still happens everyday. Even though I have identified my root fears, it still tries to make me feel ashamed for looking or being around children, which was never an issue prior to this experience. No relief yet. (2016-current)

We are our soul essence and no one can take that away. Ever!

I have found other women who have experienced the fear of child abuse (usually their own) as well but usually subsided. Where I found the most vocal men and women where in the “targeted individual” groups where people were very clear about these Entities try to do some sick shit to make you loose your mind. Much like I discribed above.

Opposite play: “As above so below”. The entity would say that everything that it was saying was “the opposite”, honestly this where I really fell down the rabbit hole because the entity would switch what and who was opposite and not opposite at any given moment to benefit other and my brain just couldn’t handle the fuckery. (2016)

God Play: “The lord is my shepard, I shall not WANT!” It would scream, the entity condemned me for “wanting” my ex (twin flame), buuuuuuuuuuuut that wasn’t really the case. It would say i want to get married and have kids so it could dangle it as a “carrot”. But I cant say that is what i’ve always deeply wanted. If it happened cool. Be honest what I really WANT is for whatever this thing is, to leave my entire being.

Because I do not and will not believe this thing is God. It has also tried to skew my view of God and religion. The entity has “suggested” that people who hear the voice of God much like pastors or what have you (same thing with politics), are only being manipulated by whatever this thing is as a part of an agenda. The entity complicates the idea of God and my relationship to God.

My belief in God is pretty simple. I believe in God, don’t be an asshole all the time, try to do some good when you can, and everything else is speculation due to the flaw of man (too many secrets and to many lies). I believe there were many teachers (on how not to be an asshole) I just happen to grow up Christian. So I keep it simple, I believe in God.

Because I refuse to accept this entity/voice as my “lord and savior” it moved on to something it called “Gods Love“, which basically forced me into accepting that it was God for a moment. It did not feel good at all, it was almost like blacking out and I had zero control. (2016-2017 current)

Current: It picks up ideas, inspirations from my environment, people i meet ect, or what I read whether I’m aware or conscious of it or not. Everything becomes a debate with this Entity. It never EVER shuts up. And it also does this “was it me ornwas it you” on who had what idea. Also sometimes punished for having an “original thought”.

More recently I have been blacking out for moments at a time. Last night i blacked out for 3-4 moments. Its not complete unawareness because there is thought/ theme there but I have no control (was looking into dream states). Because they are spontaneous and brief I can’t come out of it completely understanding it. It like words aren’t spoken yet spoken. But Yea. Also when this happens there is almost like an electric zap, singe feeling to it. Again that TV being turned off, electric spark. But I’m not sure if that’s just dramatic effects of the entity or its really fucking with my wires.

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Themes:

SexThe major theme has been sex, Not only going through my own sexual history and being made to feel guilt and shame (and actually trying to install that feeling since I don’t), but then SKEWING a sense of personal freedom in sexuality. I am NOT sexually attracted to children, animals or my family members in any way and the entity would try to make me feel or believe that I am. Child abuse, incest, beastiality, hyper/deviant sexuality is not my cup of tea. Surprisingly I’m “queer” and the topic rarely came up, although it did called a faggot or dyke a few times, it made fun of me for cutting my hair (forced) and say I look like a man. Or because I can no longer be with my ex (twin flame) I might as well become a lesbian again. It would also say its (the entity) is a man and only wants me with women. 

Says I will never be a mother/ I’m not a mother so I need to stop being nuturing (even though I have pcos and used birth control and protection to make sure if I ever was, it was with the right person .) Also says I will never get married but said I am spiritually married to my ex (twin flame) and I can never date or have sex again and I should kill myself for him. But has also said I am married to Satan. 😒 I doubt I’m Satan’s type. (Right)

Not only did I at some point feel watched during sex. The entity would include itself (either act as my partner or an observer). At least back when I had sex. Once it had no one to hide behind, it would force me to orgasm as I awaken out of sleep (rape) and never engaged in any consensual type of “energy sex”. It also made fun of my actual rape, and try to reinact it through sleep paralysis, energy rape, and anxiety in a dream.

Slavery/ rascism: racism, “forced racism”, slavery historically, would call people all kinds of racist names which is very unlike me, slavery (bdsm), was “energetically” harnessed and forces to sit up straight and cross legs and to be a “lady”. didn’t last that long and couldn’t cross my legs anymore as I started to gain weight from being STRESSED THE FUCK OUT. Wasn’t a major topic. 

Fear: Mainly childhood fear of child molesters, of hurting anyone else, death (which I’m not afraid of), suicide (which I won’t), death of loved ones, being shot, pinning my ex (twin flame) and saying/ giving visions that he will shoot me in the head, becoming ill and being told i will have cancer, addictions/vices, paranoia/ being watched, threatening my loved ones, saying that I am a curse and I negatively effect everyone around me, black magic (as if someone did this to me), sexual assault and abuse, uses “sins” as a way to latch on, running theme of guilt and shame. Insecurities, (but also “crushed” the things I liked about myself or things I had in order to build up to the “God Play”) “God giveth and god taketh away” type of theme attitude happening with this entity, homelessness (again, was homeless as a teen).

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Healing: along with traditional religions I have also explored, spiritual herbal baths, a forget him spell, psychics, binaural beats, yoga, light workers, reiki healer, burned sage, shamans, psychiatrist, therapy (all with no relief)

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Researched: (most from suggestions)

(These are the different names of what I have been experiencing through out this journey). Angels (due to seeing flashing lights and sparkles), 11:11 wake up call during that time and seeing number everywhere (“ascension”), Twin flame, – (shortly after twin flame it was all down hill), black magic, thought forms, demi-urges, shadow work, Dark night of the soul, karma, past lives, dna curse, Incubus’s, spirit husband, Archon’s aliens, demons, possesion, fallen angels, jinn, ghosts, poltergeist, a changeling, a curse/ spell, divibe alchemy, kundalini, awakening, ascension, mk ultra, targeted individuals, elf waves, agenda 21, hive mind, schizophrenia, schizophrenia…….. Bla bla bla.

Cause I don’t know what the fuck is going on!

December Intensified

So tonight I was looking at a gift for my friend. For whatever reason the Entities made me sleepy. I didn’t fight it. I pick my battles, sleep is not one of them.

So I woke up to a voice saying “he got hit by a car”, I assumed this was my ex (soul mate not false twin flame) because before we broke up he got hit by a car and I took care of everything. That’s why I was so shocked that he wanted to see other people (be polyamorous) all of a sudden because I played that wifey roll HARD. Anyway so I was awakened by that comment and only assume that it was about my ex but I can’t say for sure.

Then I was looking into the darkness with my eyes closed and I could see these Entities floating and spinning around. And one like SHOT out of my direction like it didn’t want to be seen or wasn’t suppose to be there. And that one almost looked like it swam off. Then I saw another one close to me. I could see their features more ….. umm a bit more 3D as opposed to a flat image I normally see. And then one of them took their straw thing and blew some black hairball mass (sorry best I can describe it) into my eyes to cover up seeing them. I was maybe 10% out of my cool only cause I could see them REALLY clear and bright. Might of been about 3 of them for sure. Maybe more not sure.

This week has been intense. Just more sparkles, migraines again, more seeing the watery clear misty energy around me.

Like this shit is hella fishy and something is not adding up.

I mean they purposefully woke me up right? So why would they make it seem like I caught them doing something to me (which was probably making a pointless Dream)? But I mean if you know you are going to wake me up out of my sleep then I would assume that you would handle your business of covering your tracks if you don’t want to be seen.

Be honest I don’t care either way. But I’m not playing this bullshit game. I’m just logging it here for me.

So they put me to sleep, only to wake me up maybe an hour or so later, to act like they accidentally revealed themselves to me and do their little blow straw thing at me at my actual eyes or third eye to hide themselves?

Shit ain’t adding up!

AND I have seen many different types of Entities so far but all of these ones today seemed the same. So I wonder if they are just wearing costumes. Again, why would they completely reveal themselves to me? It’s just one lie after the other after the other why wouldn’t their appearance not be a lie too? One thing that seems to be consistent is that these Entities have a ring around them. This ring I almost feels like it may cloak half their body or up to their head and helps them move around. Idk I could be wrong. But that’s what it looked like.

I can’t believe I can’t find anyone I can really bounce this shit off of. I listen to a lot of different people who actually talks about this stuff. But again they only have part so far. Or I would have to pay money to have a convo with them about this. Or our theories don’t align at some point. Which is fine. But I mean idk.

Heeeeeelp!!! Lol

What Dreams May Come: Dreams, Visions and “The Astral Plane”

So let’s start this off with….. a healer that I watch said we can call back our fragmented consciousness but just stating this through meditation. So I did that (hey why not I just want to get rid of this!) and then I’m laying in bed and I had a REALLY bright vision of a Latino man, and h said “this her landlord, it’s time to go!”. The more silent voices (or what would be deemed as (false) subconscious thought) tried to convince me this was Jesus. 😳 lol yea I know.

Now I’m down for Jesus. But it’s crazy shit like this that makes me feel like this is just a big joke. So I was aight Jesus told you to go…. GO!. Go with Jesus. I just observed to see what was happening and of course the voices/entities had to put on a big production because believe it or not they are absurdly dramatic to the point of comedy. So I sat their waiting to see if “Jesus” took these fools away. And I had to sit there listening to them scream as I try to fall asleep.

So, Jesus lol did not take them away and they just was playing out a play and playing in my mind because their existence of just floating around in space is miserable I guess.

Another reason I know this vision wasn’t Jesus is because 1. It hurt a bit and 2. It jolted/startled me. I think if Jesus knows me and is my “landlord” He would not have hurt me or frightened me. BUT this vision was the brightest I have seen in a while. So my assumption is that it is a different entity. The one that is with me constantly over the last few years since this attack started is very dark and dim. Even the dreams they make are dim or darker tone than I am use to. AND the one that is here all the time i mean is CONSTANTLY giving me dreams and visions. I mean so selfish enough to wake me up 2-3-4 times a night to keep me in the REN cycle so it can play in the dream state. POS!

While most will say that dreams are “subconscious material” I beg to differ and I honestly think NOW that dreams are just a lower level form of Entity control. A more acceptable form. Same thing as visions. Again I have not encountered a truthful Entity as of yet. And to me that is an indicator of SOMETHING is not adding up.

I’m not going to blindly accept any vision as Jesus or Buddha or “my spirit guide”.

The way my pastor explained communication with God and His Son Jesus/ the embodiment is through the Holy Spirit. So the Holy Spirit must be an Entity as well. A conscious being that is more or less omnipresent. What that actually looks like I don’t know, he that actually plays out I’m not sure.

I do know that whatever this is that is attacking and harassing me are 1. A hive mind. Literally connected to each other to communicate (repeats what I am saying so other entities in the hive can know). 2. DO NOT look like anything I would imagine is heavenly. Or human. Some mix between alien, demon, disembodied astral being mix. 3. Uses light as an illusion to create vision and dreams. They can manipulate light in a way dark or light to create an image that they want in OUR minds.

So wonder what would they be with out our minds? Our physical hardware? Who would THEY actually be if we did not perceive them?

I know my opinion is not popular. People want a supernatural life. Either through God or New Age spirituality. I just think many don’t understand what it entails.

Again I want to be wrong. But I am not being proven otherwise in my experience. BUT my experience does not dictate my faith. I can still maintain faith in God with out necessarily believing that the hand of God will part the clouds and be this actual physical manifestation. I guess my main concern is that the enemy. These demonic alien troll looking things that harass me, are actually duping many of us into believing THEY are God.

NOW, I today’s age we have all these YouTube “prophets” and Gurus. Like they communicate with angels or God gave them a message. Like I want to believe people. But idk. Something is not right. I mean I feel like a lot of people preach from their judgement, from their political beliefs and not necessarily from doctrine. Regardless of ones political belief they should just allow for people to understand the word as sound spiritual doctrine. Not go off on 30+ homophobic rant about how the Gays want your kids (which they don’t). The gays want people to stop killing them. And the only way to do that is to create compassion among the youth and adults for people who are different then them. Essentially keeping actual gay or tran or kids who are perceived as different from being bullied, beat up, killed (by kids or parents) or pushed into suicide and keeping perpetrators of this none sense out of jail. By just accepting people for who they are. Gay is not the gateway to pedo! They are not mutually exclusive and they are not the scapegoat. I mean conservatives are trying to paint Democrats as pedos in the spiritual community. I’ve posted this in my blog. People were saying in spiritual forums which some how became fake “woke conspiracy” community, that Hillary Clinton is a pedophile and a video of Hillary wearing the skin of children on her face in a ritual will surface soon. Think whatever you want of the elite, rich and or powerful. But that is CRAZY. And it’s propaganda, it doesn’t even stem from anything anyone has ever seen.

11pm: I took a break from writing and now I am back.

I guess where I was going is that people prophets or gurus who are talking to these Heavenly Beings. I just wonder sometimes if they are just being mislead by entities. Nothing feels spiritually safe anymore. Just lies. Or if it did have purity in the essences of its message that these entities have now over shadowed the concept or belief with lies and twisted shit.

Idk. I really feel like I’m out here alone. No strong footing on anything really. I have my experience….. one I wish wasn’t as really as it feels. One I hope is not true. I look to others in hopes of answers, guidance ….. something outside of this experience. To be pulled from it. Like not even Jesus can or will save me. Why would Jesus want me to be left out here in these spiritual streets with a pedo demonic alien troll thing? Be raped? Faith in question.

Idk. 😓 bummed.

Celibacy and (Astral) Sex (rape) Dreams

So there is a connection between these Entities wanting you to have a sexless life or a loveless sex life. I can’t say why for sure because honestly they rape and molest me often. But I am celibate.

I am personally am grossed out from my (“spiritual”) experience. And that is what sparked my celibacy. Well that and I could not find and enlightened partner. Not enlightened in a new agey ascension kind of way. But self aware, accountable, aware of these energies (entities at play) and not afraid.

Coming from being a lesbian to then dating men was a huge culture shock. And I feel like these Entities have a strong hold on our men/masculinity if not completely driving them.

Why would Entities want you to be basically single (again celibate or loveless sex)? How does that connect with harvesting sexual energy from you? If that is what they actually do…..

I feel the key factor here is love. Or the lack there of.

I have a relatively high self esteem. I know myself and my intentions and can stand accountable when I am wrong and at least attempt to fix that in a sincere way.

So I love myself more or less. But I am NOT loving this experience.

But still the Entities are able to infiltrate my body and cause rape dreams. Molest me through out the day. Place sexually gross ideas in my head. And again this is just over the past 4 years.

To what end do they actually benefit? I know a lot of people in the new age community talk about “Looshing” (you can google) of sexual energies. But like at the end of the day I’m like HUH? What exactly is sexual energy? How does astrally raping me produce it? More importantly how do you stop it? Like now?!

This is why Twin Flames is so dangerous. Again, celibacy is a huge part of it. Many empathy (or the chaser or the feed) are encouraged wait for their “twin flame” and be celibate, in the mean time many are being energetically attacked or having complete psychotic breaks and fucked up astral experiences. So again how does the “twin flame” story correlate with these Entities agenda? Sexless? ✅ Loveless? ✅ Energetically attacked (mentally or physically or spiritually)? ✅

This allows for like all these “twin flame” gurus to pop up out the new age. But again…. where are they getting their information from and do they know their employer is?

Either way. I saw a correlation between these few things. And we need to keep having conversation about these things and get the fuck out the rabbit holes. Because I mean unless you got time to waste, ain’t shit down there.

If there is a man hole open down the street, and I’m telling you hey open man hole ahead, and folks wanna be like well I wanna jump down the man hole for the experience…… really? You could have gone further down the road. Met other people. New people. You cold have helped someone else who can’t handle being in a man hole (suicide).

Either way. Fuck all these traps.

“The Second Coming of the New Age” by Steven Bancarz

Part 1

Part 2

 

While “Mindfulness Meditation” did help me when I could not stop the voices from speaking a mile a minute. I went from a peaceful mind to full on demonic attack in 2016. Being an “observer” in mind when this happened was positive in the sense that I did not attach to the actual voices. I know what is me and what is not me. I am the one writing to you, occasionally the voices may make a suggestion here or there while I am engaged in my writing to make it seem like they have control, or as they just said “have nothing better to do”. lol yea…..

So Mindfulness Meditation helped (me) in the crisis, and differentiating myself from these Entities that want/ed to pretend to be me or anyone else.

However the New Age really slipped into my life through the internet, facebook.

I mean the first was seeing sparkles through my twenties and some website said it was Angels. and I was like aight cool. Then it was the reoccurring numbers (1111, 777). Then it was a couple of kookie articles about light workers and how we are star seeds and indigos, Then another article popping up on my facebook about twin flame and 1111. Again i read these articles with no particular belief in my heart (other than God), but these seem to have played out. Then the twin flame thing supposedly happened. AND THEN MY WHOLE LIFE TURNED TO SHIT (which is well documented in this blog).

What is interesting is that I actually studied and was deep in Ifa/ Yoruba (Nigeria) religion and its relation to Santeria and Voodoo in the Caribbean for much longer than I did any of this New Age stuff. I studied it in trying to understand my cultural history as a Black (mixed) person in America. And where I come from. But for some reason that never played out. I had 5 year relationship that meant the world to me, and yet my supposed “twin flame” was the 6 month relationship that did not have the same significance in my life other than making me feel insecure.

So why with very little influence or depth in my life was the New Age able to penetrate so deep?

Our culture (American) is definitely moving towards a New Age culture. Steve called it the “Starbucks Yoga” movement. And I will not sit here and say i did not idolize false Idols. I had a little alter to Oshun in my room for YEARS. Other than the sparkles and maybe one bad dream, I NEVER was attacked like this. (I can’t even get into how aliens and reptilians slipped into the whole hot mess!)

But I will say this Ifa, is IFA…… Ifa…. is not mixing and bastardizing the name of Jesus for its own occult practices and lure. To confuse those that are ignorant. To mold Jesus (and any other deity) to fit their agenda. Which I would say is worse because that is just straight blasphemy. I mean light workers… are just …… white witches? No? Be it light or dark magic it is still the same occult coin no? You are still working with the same energy just with different intentions. But these energies which are actual entities and deceitful beings. At one point or another.

Anyway. These videos are pretty good at breaking down some things. (Doesn’t touch on twin flame, or targeted individuals) but, New Age is hella complicated ….. and has you chasing “ascension”….. and deep in my heart i feel like its really not suppose to be this complicated. There is a clarity when you let go the New Age.

Steve mentions that most of us are looking for a relationship with God. And we get lead astray. The relationship is simple. It’s a relationship with God, through Jesus by way or the Holy Spirit. Do you know how sinful and dirty we must be to have to be twice removed from God? His own creation? The ones that chilled in the Garden of Eden with God? The God that only the Holist of Holy men were reserved to have a relationship with and yet God still found a way through his mercy and grace that we may still know him in SOME WAY.

That alone.

Now, i mean my life is nothing but reptilians and big headed aliens torturing me. BUT still to think about that is amazing. I mean even through my studies I was protected. I mean i would really like to stop being molested by these entities, and told the most vile stuff in the universe. But as I said before in another post they are the contrast. I might not have the Holy Spirit, but i know what is doesn’t feel like.

And again, just like all things… even Christianity pose false understandings of Christianity.

I really wish it wasn’t this complicated but it is. Because the enemy (reptilian, alien, demon WHATEVER) is out here trying to get us anyway it can.

It’s sad really.

Either way enjoy.

My Friends Friend Homophobic rant. 🙄

So my best friends friend came over to her house in a whirlwind and then started spewing homophobic rant about how LGBT people just need to let kids be kids.

I didn’t get to tell this white cis hetero woman off because my friend walked into the room and wanted to talk about her boy drama and then my friends friend said “yea fuck LGBT tell me about what’s going on”

Unfortunately the LGBT community has bared the brunt of the Pedos. Be it man or woman going after boys or girls they are pedos and child molesters. That is the bottom line.

Many heterosexual see homosexuality or transgenderism as JUST SEX. And not about love or care and the need for that in our lives. Unfortunately because of societies low vibe view ON homosexuality often times people end up going to the lowest vibration of love which is lust. We settle for lust because we are often not deemed worth of live or long term relationship because people are in the closet or we are afraid of violence towards us (specifically trans woman of color/ black trans women).

My friends friend went on to talk about drag queen story hour and saying it was too early to expose that to children to that. Again because most heterosexual will only associate it with SEX. Drag performers are entertainers. While their more conventional shows may be risqué with props and dirty jokes. I’m am sure it is augmented for children.

So drag queens are not her to teach children anything other than tolerance for other and to read a book with some flare.

As I said in previous post most of the LGBT I know are very protective of children and have been sexually abused by “heterosexual” pedos.

And if this about “keeping kids kids” honestly there are plenty children shows that my godson watches on YouTube and Netflix that have heteronormative displays.

My godson love Nurto and there is a girl who is in love with Nurto in the show and he is totally aware of that and what it means. Even the Lion King is love story between two hetero lions. I can go on and on .

Point is as soon as there is a display of homosexuality there is an agenda on the kids and lumping us with pedos or trying to turn children LGBT.

When we are really trying to save the children who know or feel they are LGBT and create tolerance for those that are. And even those that aren’t. How many men (who are hetero) have been made fun of and called fag and beat up at school just for being different.

Not only is the LGBT for tolerance but also anti bullying and anti suicide.

I mean kids are being killed by their parents for being gay. My parents kicked me out for being gay but then my mom had the nerve to have a gay best friend and hair dresser. 😑

But heterosexual feel like their indoctrination of children into heteronormative and hegemonic lifestyle is being threatened.

Be it soft/ covert hate of the LGBT or plain overt hate the point is to make society more accepting of those that are different than them.

I was really shocked to be dragged into the snipper assault on LGBT right in front of my face.

Was really annoyed and disappointed.

From a Chat with a Friend 🙏🏼

I’m glad you found some peace. The only way I fine some mild form of peace is knowing that these are entities of some form and that they are trying to play me and not letting them play me.

I’m on ok with being a regular ass human. I can look to the archetypes of angels and other positive god/desses but essentially not idolize them.

I can not let anything false penetrate my psyche. My love for God is above all that.

I guess the only thing I need to work on is not obsessing over all these entities that are in my way. Who I feel are in between me and God. I study them which is occultish but it is only to contrast my understanding of God since I do not feel I have that connection.

They are present. Their presence is my contrast to good and truth. Since they are liars and illusionists.

But essentially my goal is to have a connection and relationship with God free of interference from these entities. Entities that had the audacity to call themselves God. Or even divine beings from any belief system.

Cliche Matrix trick?

You remember the twins from the Matrix? I was watching the Matrix reloaded on Netflix just for shits and giggles. And I realized one of the entities that has harassed me looked like one of the twins from the matrix.

Like that flip book choppy look and hair flying everywhere.

I have not seen that one up close in my aura in a while but this is the best way I could describe him. Head mostly.

Everything is such bullshit.

Black Girls Missing

I’m in the doctors office trying not to ball my eyes out. My Facebook feed has been nothing but young black girls abducted or raped and I just can’t keep it composed today.

I already pray for the protection of our children.

But then I wonder if I should pray for the transformation of those that would harm them 😭😭😭😭😭😭

It takes a strength that I’m not sure I have. I’m not sure what kind of prayer I would even craft to be effective. Or if it even would be. Human child trafficking is BIGGER than me and my thoughts and prayers.

I mean it’s a LOT of young black girls. And it honestly seems like an uptick in the last year or so.

Should we pray for these wretched people? Is that the key to this? Pray for the enemy, even though we know they may not be the true face of the enemy but a fleshy puppet for these demons to play games. Twist the minds of the weak. Generations of weak minds.

Is that the key?

That one child (15 y/o) that was abducted and sex trafficked was actually found!!! Which is rare and she was so fucked up from all of it she committed suicide.

It’s killing me.

Pray for the enemy? Pray that the demons that infest their mind be cleared and realized? That they turn to God for salvation?

Is that the only way to keep our children safe?

Cho Cho Train frequency energy

At my house and my best friends house I keep hearing something like a cho cho train.

There are no railroads near my house or hers.

Actually at her house I keep hearing like a low or far away sounding amber alert / flash flood warning.

So I feel like it has to be energy/Entity and or frequency.

I can kind of feel it in my feet if I stay still enough.

But I’m not sure what this energy is or why. It’s bee for the past two weeks what seems randomly.

Just making a note.