I miss me.

Will I have to live with this the rest of my life? 

These implanted thoughts, sensations, visions. 

Maybe 30 mins ago as I was laying down calm… The Entity flashed this crazy close image of Bill Cosby and said “there you absorbed Bill Cosby”. I replied “He’s dead?!” I guess I thought you “absorb” spirits or whatever. 

The Entity said “You will have to lice the rest of your life in this shame, since you want to stay here.” Essentially saying that I will have to live with the sick images/ visions, insane thoughts, disgusting sensations because I won’t kill myself.

And so will I? Will have have to live the rest of my life like this? 

I’m tired of debating with this Entity. I complain about this all the time. I’ve laid it all out till I can’t even repeat it any more. I don’t want to. I just want it to go away. 

I’ve tried every possible thing you can think of. Seriously….. 

There is no immediate justice for what I am being put through. It is invisible. 

I’m being told it is me. 

It is not.

And all I can do is sleep this pain away. In intervals. Between living for someone else…. And barely surviving for me.

If I ever wanted magic powers this would be the time. If I ever needed God…. I need God more than ever right now. Not before or after…. Now. Now.

Because I can’t. 

I take this day by day. I make light of it… I make fun of the insane thoughts… Humor to keep myself afloat even when the Entity sends sick thoughts or images. Dry humor. 

Desensitized, numb….. Bitter.

Bitter that doing the best you can in this world gets you this. Raped at night by the invisable…. Choked during the day until your eyes swell up with tears. Thoughts that race that aren’t even mine. 

I miss my mind…. My body. I never missed me so much. I don’t care if that seems narcissistic. I miss me. Life wasn’t easy…. But at least I tried to get by the best way i know how with me. Going through the matrix of what my original thought and how it was then twisted and distorted added on to and then told it was mine.

I won’t say can’t live like this. 

But who would want to?

More on Karma

So I kinda went off on these guys in a “spiritual forum” that’s reeks of misogany about Karma. This one dude had the nerve to say the Atlantic Slave Trade was a “karmic lesson”. And I am over here speechless. But do I keep my mouth shut? NOPE!

As I said before if we use the concept of “karma” to be more mindful of each other, ourselves and the planet and how we effect each other cool. When we say let “karma” take care of it…. We are standing back and allowing OURSELVES to take the “higher road”. Does that mean karma will be administered? We don’t know. If karma,in the negative sense is administered do we reveal in it? Find satisfaction? 

But this whole idea of Karma and past lives is kinda insane. Like I’m the last one that should be talking about sanity since I’m “schizophrenic” demon possessed n shit…. But….. This is what I DONT get.

You had some past life “vision” about whatever. Who facilitates Karma? Who decides what or what level of karma one receives? If that …. Whatever/ Whoever it is …. Has the ability to enforce karma….. To be just and fair…. Then why don’t they have the ability to STOP the cycle in its tracks??? Stop the suffering? Hmmm?

Eye for an Eye? 

“Soul growth”?

Like fuck out of here. If suffering is suppose to grow ones soul then this really is some faint version of hell. Sounds pretty stupid to me.

I just can’t with people…. On this topic. 

I know the political can get…. Tiresome…. Confusing. But are we just going to sit back and watch the suffering. And return to our meditative bubble?

When we take karma to a past life. We take on an identity …. A burden that may not be truly be ours. 

And while the concept karma/ past lives in its essense …. In its purest form … Was probably created to help us be mindful. We (along with this Entity(s)) take it too far. Make it confusing…. hierarchical….. Complicated….. Divisive….. Used to ones advantage…. Money making…. I can go on…. But you get it. 

Last time I’m debating this stuff.

My Symptoms (Voices) June Update

There is more but this is what I could update and condense in this email. 

So I’ve tried to document what my experience has been so in case there is anyone out there experiencing the same things. Can’t say youre not crazy (cause im sure thats how you feel) but you are not alone. Very rarely will they be the same themes exactly, but how did you feel? What games where you dragged into? 

I am constantly refining what my experience is. Because there are multiple “storylines” or games going on ALONG with my reality. Also anything can change on the whim of the entity.

If you even read all of this shit…. Idk. I’m just trying to make sense of the insanity.

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Symptoms: Just to name a few

Voice(s), spontaneously orgasming (rape)/ waking up horny rolling around in bed like a crack head, extreme headaches, lack of energy or vitality, extreme pressure in the body, jolts to the body, involuntary movement of limbs, abnormal heat in the body, sensation like someone is softly blowing or crawling on me, random images/ visions not of my own personality or likeness, hallucinations (shadows, sparkles, sensations and smells), “seeing energy”- swirly or lines, more frequent dreams/ nightmares, sleep paralysis, ringing in the ears (different tones) as well as white noise, something feeling off, paranoia, not feeling like yourself, Black outs, Bright outs (like black out only overwhelming amount of light), loss of sense of awareness/ or “self”. I feel like I’ve gone through every psychological disorder all in two years. 

The Entities List of Demands

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Levels of “Voices”: 

There are levels and volume almost. In the beginning the volume was at a 100 and I could barely do anything. My head was HOT and I felt like my brain was going to explode. Since it has dialed down to like 30. 

Will use anything to charm and appeal to you. Humor… Funny visions… Sometimes i would wake up to music in my head like i had headphone on. It will appeal to you only to soon turn on you and make you feel terrible. In the beginning acted as two separate characters a man (terrible) and a woman (good “sympathetic”). Yea no …. It’s one!

Distant Screams: usually repeats the same thing over and over again. Can be amplified by ambient or white noise. I would hear “Fuuuuuuuck Yoooooou”, or “I’m never going to come back again!”. 

Cast of Characters: This one is tricky. There are two levels. One is more intimate the other is general and makes you feel paranoid. 

  • Intimate: is usually loved ones, those who have passed (acted as my grandpa a few times). Or as telepathic communication between people. Can also parrot loved ones voices. Singular ghosts or spirits, spirit guides, gods or goddesses ect. 
  • Cast of Characters: Usually there is a paranoid feeling with this because it can be random strangers. So feeling like you enter a room and everyone is talking about you. Or said something about you when your weren’t looking. Even as though the whole spirit world is talking about you. But why would they do that.

Ambient Sounds: Can come off of ANY sound. So TV, Radios, hums, house noises, nature sounds, other people chatting or passing by. I went to the beach to “ground myself” and the waves were telling me to jump in and kill myself. Not the experience I was hoping for. 

You: The voice will also act as you. This one takes discernment. “Implanting ideas” through flashes of images, memories or actual words to steer your conversation or thought process. I also don’t fight it as much because its too much unless it gets out of hand or overwhelming. Can feel like racing thoughts etc because the Entity is trying to act like both you and itself. 

Grounding: For me I realized it was ONE voice, One entity (maybe apart of a hive mind) but only ONE with me. All of these character are not real. The reason I realized that it was only one was because it was talking Super duper fast when trying to be multi- characters (including me). 

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Games: Mythological, esoteric and religious beliefs, personal history, information skeeeeeewed and distorted.

Can sometimes “tell the future“. But not to your benefit like consoling. Told me it was waiting for my grandma (called her “great day” which was something she use to say) to die. I didn’t believe it and she did. I haven’t even been able to grieve that. 

Angel sparkles: seeing flashes of light and dark. I haven’t figured out a pattern for them. (Since I was young 15) also shadows a handful of times since I was 15. 

1111: “The wake up call” Synchronicities, master numbers, angel numbers, symbols meanings to everything. Everthing has to have a MORE meaning. “Spirituality”. (Received this since 11/11/11) but as the entity started to attack , I was seeing them so much they almost lost meaning. Just a lot in one day. 

Twin Flame: Third worse thing on the fucking planet, was the energy of obsession, lust, love, heart ache and pain but I did not feel connected to (at least not for as long as I did). The entity sounded and acted and flashed visions of my ex (so called twin flame) and assumed the “personality” of my ex and made it seem like there was telepathic communication (by parroting his voice) between my ex and I by telling the future like when he would call or foretelling a song he sent me by The Honey Trees – Orchards…. (Which i never heard of prior) Also used the personality of my ex to psychically rape me every night and pretend he put a black magic curse on me cause we broke up.…. But I mean my ex was an asshole but not pure scum like this entity. It continues to this day to use my ex against me/ hide behind him by saying his name 500+ times a day (obsession), memory or voice and relating my ex back to anything that I am doing, even though I’m am pretty much numb. Ceased all contact with ex because it was too triggering and I didn’t want this entity to have any more material on my ex. No relief yet. (Since 2015-2016/2017ish) 

IAM (Isis/Osiris): Said, “do you know who you are?” “You are 8,000 years old”,  was pretty much forced to say IAM Isis as a part of an agenda to weave the story line of Twin Flame, judgment (condemnation, shame guilt), and soon God play. To my understand the Entity wanted to drag me to the “underworld”, and given an “identity” I was given Isis so that the entity could take it away and given to someone “prettier”. The entity moved on to say this was Alchemy. And made it seem that the more that I agree to engage this game, that I might be rewarded. It asked me what did I want. I said nothing. It said i should want my ex (twin flames name) back. After both my twin flame (“supposed separation phase”), my Isis ID, (along with real things: job, home, money, friends, possessions, sense of self), I was to be be “purified”. But this “purification” was anything BUT, also engaging/ being forced into this process there was also Judgment for “believing” in Isis and I was told to read the bible and then forced into Christianity. But I was only being rolled into just another sphere for MORE judgment (guilting and shaming). Other archetypes and mythological and religious figures where also introduced and assigned to people in my life but not as important. I didn’t find the “I AM RA material” until much later down the line when I was trying to figure out things. I didn’t really finish reading it. There was also a sense of the entity “jumping bodies” or seeming like it can take over other people and stalk. Told me I needed to be in a new “vessal”, which was prep for suicide. (2016)

Past Life: I was told in the I AM game that I small part of Isis’s soul. And had visions of her. Then I was told that Isis was being given away to a prettier woman my ex’s (friend and or his current girlfriend). Now I didnt believe any of this, but again juat wanted it to stop. Once the Isis storyline faded away (but was still used occasionally to make me feel like shit), it went on to past lives. 

One night after work as I was reading the bible, and the entity came in and said that I am suffering because I raped 57 children in a past life. At the time I was working with teens, and the entity moved on from Isis and started calling me, a child molestor. Which literally scared the shit out of me. Because I was told I was molested as a child, before I could even understand what it was I  saw a 20/20 special in the 90s that said that the an abused child becomes predator. All I know is I remember that thumping in my chest. I just remember fear no rationalization just pure fear. I just knew it was bad.

I never had a chance to really work through any of that and don’t remember telling my mom that it scared me. But year or two later my father came back into our lives (after not seeing him for 10 years) and he had a break down and said he never did anything to me. I believe him but all I was left with was some teenage angst and this child hood fear of actually becoming one. But I had to move on with my life quickly.

I can’t even tell you the nightmare it was living in “child molestor world” OMG it was so gross and I can’t even explain the insanity that came from that. Tears roll down my cheek as i even think about it. Being called one, the visions of child abuse, being told I was one in a past life, being told I should happy my dad DID molest me (he didn’t), being told that my eyes were the window for a child molestor. Being told God is a child molestor because he watches his children have sex, Being told I should kill myself because of my “past life”. Just INSANITY and there was no escape …. I had no choice no matter how logical I was. It would switch and say a child molestor meant I am really a mother (I’m not currently one and sure I should after this shit). And I was dealing with this to be a mother. But quickly I was like you know what I’m ok, I don’t need to be a mother that bad we need to stop this process ….. And it didnt stop.  I was in the nightmare living it, sleeping it. Walking around hearing and feeling that you are one was too much. So I quit my job (with youth) and locked myself in my parents house, and tried to figure out what the fuck was happening to me. 

It took me a while to not be completely controlled by the fear the Entity controlled me with. I asked “OK if you know my past life, WHAT WAS MY NAME?“, like I wont be on anscestry. com trying to figure out what the fuck. No name given. Till this day…. It fucks me up, and to some level it still happens everyday. Even though I have identified my root fears, it still tries to make me feel ashamed for looking or being around children, which was never an issue prior to this experience. No relief yet. (2016-current)

We are our soul essence and no one can take that away. Ever!

I have found other women who have experienced the fear of child abuse (usually their own) as well but usually subsided. Where I found the most vocal men and women where in the “targeted individual” groups where people were very clear about these Entities try to do some sick shit to make you loose your mind. Much like I discribed above.

Opposite play: “As above so below”. The entity would say that everything that it was saying was “the opposite”, honestly this where I really fell down the rabbit hole because the entity would switch what and who was opposite and not opposite at any given moment to benefit other and my brain just couldn’t handle the fuckery. (2016)

God Play: “The lord is my shepard, I shall not WANT!” It would scream, the entity condemned me for “wanting” my ex (twin flame), buuuuuuuuuuuut that wasn’t really the case. It would say i want to get married and have kids so it could dangle it as a “carrot”. But I cant say that is what i’ve always deeply wanted. If it happened cool. Be honest what I really WANT is for whatever this thing is, to leave my entire being.

Because I do not and will not believe this thing is God. It has also tried to skew my view of God and religion. The entity has “suggested” that people who hear the voice of God much like pastors or what have you (same thing with politics), are only being manipulated by whatever this thing is as a part of an agenda. The entity complicates the idea of God and my relationship to God. 

My belief in God is pretty simple. I believe in God, don’t be an asshole all the time, try to do some good when you can, and everything else is speculation due to the flaw of man (too many secrets and to many lies). I believe there were many teachers (on how not to be an asshole) I just happen to grow up Christian. So I keep it simple, I believe in God.

Because I refuse to accept this entity/voice as my “lord and savior” it moved on to something it called “Gods Love“, which basically forced me into accepting that it was God for a moment. It did not feel good at all, it was almost like blacking out and I had zero control. (2016-2017 current)

Current: It picks up ideas, inspirations from my environment, people i meet ect, or what I read whether I’m aware or conscious of it or not. Everything becomes a debate with this Entity. It never EVER shuts up. And it also does this “was it me ornwas it you” on who had what idea. Also sometimes punished for having an “original thought”. 

More recently I have been blacking out for moments at a time. Last night i blacked out for 3-4 moments. Its not complete unawareness because there is thought/ theme there but I have no control (was looking into dream states). Because they are spontaneous and brief I can’t come out of it completely understanding it. It like words aren’t spoken yet spoken. But Yea. Also when this happens there is almost like an electric zap, singe feeling to it. Again that TV being turned off, electric spark. But I’m not sure if that’s just dramatic effects of the entity or its really fucking with my wires. 

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Themes

SexThe major theme has been sex, Not only going through my own sexual history and being made to feel guilt and shame (and actually trying to install that feeling since I don’t), but then SKEWING a sense of personal freedom in sexuality. I am NOT sexually attracted to children, animals or my family members in any way and the entity would try to make me feel or believe that I am. Child abuse, incest, beastiality, hyper/deviant sexuality is not my cup of tea. Surprisingly I’m “queer” and the topic rarely came up, although it did called a faggot or dyke a few times, it made fun of me for cutting my hair (forced) and say I look like a man. Or because I can no longer be with my ex (twin flame) I might as well become a lesbian again. It would also say its (the entity) is a man and only wants me with women. 

Says I will never be a mother/ I’m not a mother so I need to stop being nuturing (even though I have pcos and used birth control and protection to make sure if I ever was, it was with the right person .) Also says I will never get married but said I am spiritually married to my ex (twin flame) and I can never date or have sex again and I should kill myself for him. But has also said I am married to Satan. 😒 I doubt I’m Satan’s type. (Right)

Not only did I at some point feel watched during sex. The entity would include itself (either act as my partner or an observer). At least back when I had sex. Once it had no one to hide behind, it would force me to orgasm as I awaken out of sleep (rape) and never engaged in any consensual type of “energy sex”. It also made fun of my actual rape, and try to reinact it through sleep paralysis, energy rape, and anxiety in a dream.

Slavery/ rascism: racism, “forced racism”, slavery historically, would call people all kinds of racist names which is very unlike me, slavery (bdsm), was “energetically” harnessed and forces to sit up straight and cross legs and to be a “lady”. didn’t last that long and couldn’t cross my legs anymore as I started to gain weight from being STRESSED THE FUCK OUT. Wasn’t a major topic. 

Fear: Mainly childhood fear of child molesters, of hurting anyone else, death (which I’m not afraid of), suicide (which I won’t), death of loved ones, being shot, pinning my ex (twin flame) and saying/ giving visions that he will shoot me in the head, becoming ill and being told i will have cancer, addictions/vices, paranoia/ being watched, threatening my loved ones, saying that I am a curse and I negatively effect everyone around me, black magic (as if someone did this to me), sexual assault and abuse, uses “sins” as a way to latch on, running theme of guilt and shame. Insecurities, (but also “crushed” the things I liked about myself or things I had in order to build up to the “God Play”) “God giveth and god taketh away” type of theme attitude happening with this entity, homelessness (again, was homeless as a teen). 

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Healing: along with traditional religions I have also explored, spiritual herbal baths, a forget him spell, psychics, binaural beats, yoga, light workers, reiki healer, burned sage, shamans, psychiatrist, therapy (all with no relief)

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Researched: (most from suggestions)

(These are the different names of what I have been experiencing through out this journey). Angels (due to seeing flashing lights and sparkles), 11:11 wake up call during that time and seeing number everywhere (“ascension”), Twin flame, – (shortly after twin flame it was all down hill), black magic, thought forms, demi-urges, shadow work, Dark night of the soul, karma, past lives, dna curse, Incubus’s, spirit husband, Archon’s aliens, demons, possesion, fallen angels, jinn, ghosts, poltergeist, a changeling, a curse/ spell, divibe alchemy, kundalini, awakening, ascension, mk ultra, targeted individuals, elf waves, agenda 21, hive mind, schizophrenia, schizophrenia…….. Bla bla bla.

Cause I don’t know what the fuck is going on! 

You are already whole. 

These concepts that we need to quiet to “listen to our souls” “connect to higher self” “connect to consciousness” …… 

Like we are already whole…… Born whole.

Yea there are real life material physical struggles….. But you are not separated…. And while we feel broken (I sure do) …. I know for a fact we are whole beings. There is nothing to obtain other than awareness of the self and how we interact… Staying true to ourselves.

But we can be hindered…. Confused…. Lied to… “Blocked”…. Diverted …. Distorted….

In searching….. Instead of being.

The only grass we should be worrying about is the one on our own lawn…. The earth…. That is struggling far worse than we can imagine. 

But we are whole. There is no voice to seek. No magic to obtain. You are “magic” ….. You live you breathe you create….. So what more do you seek?

Answers to the illusion? Reasons for the delusion? How to break the matrix? No not the movie…. Unfortunately there are no pills for this…. Just hard work.

The work to shake what ever keeps you down. Whatever doesn’t truly uplift you….. To shake false promises…. And well kept secrets. 

We are whole. You are your higher self. . you are your soul. 

Its just right now there is something happening that we don’t know and must lable. And who knows….? 

But I know for a fact we are whole.

The point . 

So what’s the point of all this? 

Almost every belief torn down for what? 

Torn down and still shimmers in its beauty, essence, goodness. Beautiful stones that were used to build prisons.

So now what? 

I will not bow down.

You and your kind have lied to my people. Misguided…. And divided. And we are done. The lies are sooooo deep we even think they are good.

So why are you still here?

I am no longer interested in entertaining your game…. Or play… Deception

We’ve come to a point….  And your side seems desperate.

Leave!

Environment and “Schizophrenia”

So like 95% of my entire being is here on planet earth. I have no idea what the 5% is but I’m just leaving room for error. 

My body is on this planet with other people. And I can’t seem to enjoy either because of this experience with this demon, voice, entity thing.

So what’s the point of being here?

My whole reality is false, distorted skewed. I hear a voice constantly loudly berating me or trying to plant thoughts that are wild.

Every morning I wake up to the sensation of being molested. Or that same sensation runs up my back into my head becomes a migraine… Bangs on my legs. I can feel every sound in my environment moving me.

I smell things that aren’t there …. Or a heighten. But usually they aren’t there…. Roses, shit, weed, fish, perfumes I don’t like.

I see sparkles, flashes of light, a dot(s) in the distance, shadows, visions that aren’t mind, “energy” swirls that almost look like the mist of a ghost.

I guess maybe that’s why I turned to food…. Taste was the only place I had pleasure.

But what’s the point of being here…. If I can’t even enjoy the little bit of pleasures this fucked up world has. 

The sound of nature with out a distants scream….. The small group of people who I love and I know love me….. With out turning it into something paranoid or gross.

I’m not even staying here for me anymore. My reality is fucked! A simple walk…. Turns into racing thoughts….. Usually implanted by this Entity.

I’m just not understanding the point….. Of any of this. On both my end or this entities end. 

I use humor to get through it…. But I hate this will all of my everything.