Mandala Effect and Targeted Individuals

Just some thoughts.

Mandala Effect I wonder if the mandala effect has to do with “targeted individuals”. I mean I wrote it off as just people being misinformed. I mean our memories aren’t always the best. But there is also our “minds eye” or “third eyes” or “imagination” so when we are asked a question we access it in some way. So I wonder if those who believe something to be one way and not the other are under “mind control” as “targeted individuals”. Just a theory.

Gang Stalking. From what I read many people believe they are being stalked or followes by a group or organization. And while this may be true as a “target individual”, one I doubt they would make themselves so obvious. And two its a part of the “paranoid schizophrenia” “play”. In my own experience the VOICE  or Entity, whatever you want to call it…. Would make me believe it was my ex and his friends doing this to me. Then it moved to my place of work and it was my coworkers. Then moved to my home and almost everyone in NYC had something to say about me. Talk about gang stalking, how about about a whole borough “bullying” you? It was/ is intense to say the least and makes it difficult to go outside and engage the world like I use to. Once I realized this is impossible… For EVERYONE in NYC to be talking about little old me things changed. Once I realized it is impossible for my ex and his friend (who lived on the other side of the country) to psychic telepathic access to me to bully me. Things changed. Once I realized that THE VOICE(s) were talking too fast to be two different people things changed. So while it still happens some times…. I don’t believe it. It is just ONE Entity simulating this nasty ass shit.

As I said before, like I wonder if this how people get hurt or go crazy and hurt people thinking they are doing this shit to them, or suicide cause they are lost in some sick simulation overlay. 

Types of voices. You may notice both a pitch or frequency accompanied by a white static noise. Try ear plugs and touching certain parts of your body like ears or neck … Or affected areas or closing your body in yoga positions. The tones may change. But I pray that you not hear them if you are uncertain. The types of voices I noticed are as followed.

Main Voice: I’m not sure if some people are even able to get there. But once you get past the paranoia or characters or actual people that IT is hiding behind … You may find one voice. I’m not sure how that may play out for individuals because each have a different experience. But this is in relation to “targeted individuals” and the feeling of “gang stalking”. My particular Voice or Entity attachment…. Is intelligent, manipulative, obsessive, lies, I could say creative, but for this experience is absurdly abusive and inhumanly psychotic. May present itself as an archetype of authority, God, Jesus, Goddesses, Buddha, Ex partners, Bosses, Satan, Aliens, Angels, Parents, etc so that you feel powerless. Which in that moment may very well feel true. This “Main Voice Entity”, orchestrates most of the experience. The main voice may very well emulate YOU. So while its orchestrating it is suggesting you (light images, memories, or actual “subconscious thought”) how to respond or placing false feelings.

The Scream: This one often sounds like a distant scream that repeats over and over. Usually negative. May be “fuck you” or “bullshit” or “you’re crazy” “you’re ugly” or something that means something to you. Tends to rhyme. At one point I called it Rumpelstiltskin. But repeats it over and over again. This one also tends to be melodic. So you may hear music like sounds off of running water or other ambient sounds like a fan or humming of a car. 

Voice(s) / Gang Stalking: So this one is difficult. One, being paranoid is natural in natural situation. Walking down a dark ally sure. Stepping out of your house to get some almond milk in broad daylight…. Not so much. The Voice Entity is an opportunitist and will exploit any situation. So if you think your Boss passed you up for a promotion it is going to maybe you felt down or depressed … angry…. This Entity Voice will make you go postal… Hopefully not literally.

So my theory is that The ONE Voice Entity controls the “many”. The one that sings, the one that screams in the distance, the one that says your name randomly, the one that make you think people in your life are out to get you (but hey who knows), the one that makes you think your being gang stalked, that the TVor radio is talking to you, talking to dead relativites or people far away, The one that makes you think you heard someone say some crazy shit and they didnt, the one that makes you think you are taking to goddesses or aliens. 

I can’t say what this…. Exactly… But that is what I have realized for myself. It doesn’t make it any less debilitating.

This post is just on voices I could go on about the whole experience. But it rarely ever makes any sense. So as with “targeted individuals” while I can relate with the experience and can see it relate with other experiences as well (spiritual awakening “purging” “dark night of the soul” or Kundalini symptoms and “surrendering”ect) there is always that one piece missing. 

Who, How, and Why?

Psychological Profile of the Entity

So there is a level of acceptance that I need to reach …… Everything I have experienced in the last year and a half and counting has been INSANE!!!! To say the least…. As I tried to report honestly in this blog. 

I have disassociate from the experience because it it was nothing but lies. There was no telepathy, no twin flame, I didn’t hurt anyone, I don’t know what exactly I’m “”paying” for. And it def ain’t the voice of God. 

So. 

Midigating my reality and this very dark experience has been ridiculously hard. Petrifying to be exact.

Many people believe that this experience is just some mental illness, its schizophrenia, or the subconscious mind. I’ve pegged it as a Demon…. Or whatever version of that you want to name it. As I’ve said before every culture or belief has some version of naming IT.

So in my observations….. And my recollections I can only throw the whole psychological book at this “Entity”.

I mean it manipulated me into trusting it. Stalked for years, waited for the right moment, the right cover, the right story, the right person to hide behind. It used fear, guilt, shame, humiliation and torture to maintain control. And I am suppose to believe this is just my subconscious mind?….. My ego “acting up”? If this is ego death….. Its was dead for years. 

This post was triggered because I saw the term “word salad” used in a video about Narcissists. I googled it and found it was both something people with “mental illnesses” do consciously and unconsciously. Wiki describes it as;

Word salad may describe a symptom of neurological or psychiatric conditions in which a person attempts to communicate an idea, but words and phrases that may appear to be random and unrelated come out in an incoherent sequence instead. Often, the person is unaware that he or she did not make sense.

Wiki also spoke about random and rhythmic as a way a “word salad” may be presented. Which this Entity does often. Rhyming with words off of the TV… Or randomly droping phrases to fish for a thought it can play off of or exploit. I believe the YouTuber who mentioned the term “word salad” was trying to speak to how Narcs divert from being directly questioned by using “word salad”…. Which leaves someone confused and uses it to their benefit in some sort of way.

Another thing is that, I know for a fact that there is only ONE Entity here with me (tho I could always be wrong) because one day I was wondering WHY was this Entity talking so fast. It was presenting itself as both a female and a male to maintain a storyline at the time but the speech pattern was extremely fast. So I came to the conclusion that it was just one.

Often when the Entity wants to scare me …. Or is bored, or wants to make me feel like shit…. It splits into another character(s) and starts talking about me …. Whatever the subject may be. That normally only happens “outside of me” meaning it doesn’t come off as a thought or telepathy…. But off of other sounds such as a TV. But it is only ONE Entity. 

Yea I know crazy.

So I’m sitting here observing this Entity play out whatever sick fantasy it has with me and trying to say it was my own. But I’m having a hard time accepting that. Because I know myself. 

My pseudo psychological assessment of the Entity is as such:

Narcissist: charming, confusing, liar, manipulative, demeaning, controling, abusive, lack of empathy, grandiose, entitled.

Obsessive: Constant thoughts, “suggestions” or urges of usually unhealthy or painful things. My ex (“twin flame”), eating, cigarettes, painful memories, fears or vulnerabilities etc. Also used as a way to control.

Personality disorder: Makes up characters or hides behind the persona of other people in order to manipulate and or “play”. 

Psychopath: has no shame, guilt or regaurd for another life. Abusive. Plots and plans to manipulate to what means I am unsure. Said it wants me to “commit suicide” or “make me go crazy” by means of torture and fear. 

I mean I’m now labeled as Schizophrenic because I have to hear this crazy shit all fucking day. I’m sure I have a few others such as obsessive, I mean I can be a bit OCD when it comes to gathering information… Or my art. So I can look at myself and realize those things. Also “dissociative” and or “depersonalization” are more recent because I can not relate to what is happening to me anymore.

I just don’t see how you just wake up one day like this. 

I mean you read Psych 101 and you will always kind of be like well Yea I have anxiety, or Yea I act like this when I’m mad… Or I do this or that sometimes. Whatever you resonate with. But all in all you’re fine and you go about your life. I mean none of this really popped up for me until last year and my life came to a screeching halt.

This Entity that is supposedly my “subconscious” is ABUSIVE…. Seriously its like being in an abusive relationship you can’t get out of. And I’m not one to stick around for that kinda shit. I’ve shadow worked, atoned for my relationships, I’ve questioned myself, I’ve truly looked at it from every angle possible. And have not found any true reason or justification for this Entities presence or being subjugated to this experience.

But alas I will observe.

But I will also fight. 

Spiritual Forum: Do “Empaths” divide?


Someone made the post above in a forum

My Response: I think in the spiritual community we tend to be a bit vague…. General …. Visual…. So if someone shares their story….. Yes it may “attach” to someone. Not some evil black slithering smoke coming through the screen. But if one is not strong spiritually themselves YES they can also be triggered. I would rather someone unload their burdensome darkness…. Then read half the fake news with insane images that I can’t even filter seeing on Facebook alone. So let’s not silence each other and call it empathy……. Let’s not say our own tenderness…. Our triggers are empathic abilities….. Because empathy is allowing each other to heal knowing how much that shit really and truly hurts.

———————————

I know in a lot if communities for me that was/is the Queer community often “trigger warnings” were practices in mosts posts as we know not everyone has dealt with their truama or there effects. This allows for people to be both concious of others as well as open about their own trauma which I believe is a good practice. 

I tend to practice this in my daily life. For instance I’m not going to talk too much about death, or my views of death, or too many triggering memories about my grandma with my mom ….. But I will listen. I might pick another venue for that because I know she is still healing. And people heal differently and it simply take a mindfulness.

My blog is abrasive and unfiltered and a fraction of what I experience….. But I have to put it out there…. Not because I want to “spread my darkness” but to release myself from it.

And yes “darkness” can gain inspiration from anywhere. I know mine has. Especially from those I love so it can “hurt more”.
But this idea that Empaths need to be separated ….. Is … Divisive. It keeps us more separate. Being “Empathic”… I would assume means actually being empathic for other beings. And maybe as “Empaths” we/ or they need to really look at the anxiety and precieved triggered darkness that they “absorb” from “everyone”. 

How do they know this is not their own darkness taking advantage of that beautiful soul… To keep us separated from one another…. To silence us…. And in turn silence others. 

Just scrolling through a Facebook feed is a machine gun of triggers. I know mine. They are the same that is in this blog. No I don’t want to read that article with details of a rape victim. I don’t …. Doesn’t mean I’m less empathetic…. But I does mean I know my limits. At the same time I respect that persons ability to speak out…. Unlike I did… And realize it is something with in myself …. “My own darkness” triggering the gore of such a traumatic event.

Don’t let our “empathy” divide us. Take care of yourself…. But don’t let that cut us off from a world…. Don’t let our own darkness … Or fear of it silence others who are removing the shackles.

I understand the both sides of the coin. 

Soul Sister

So I met another woman on one of the forums who story is WAY WAY too similar as mine.

I almost wanted to cry. I mean I found people with parts or symptoms…. But the exact same thing never. 

Hers was very similar in the sense that it happened after a break up…. She thought it was from her ex because the Demo. Tried to act like her ex (very twin flamish). She’s stayed away from him. She thinks he cursed her. Them the demon told her he loves her but also tortures her. 

She’s knows she is not schizophrenic….. And the fact that our stories if not the words are all too similar is telling. 

I am both happy and depressed. That I fell for it. I’m trying to help her disassociate the demon from her ex because I am pretty sure it has nothing to with him…. I mean sure it plays off the relationship…. But the longer she holds that thought the longer one of the hooks are in. 

Its easy to blame someone else.

A person…. Someone visible. Tangible.

Yes there is this little part of me…. 1% that wonders once this Entity leaves if he will come back because I know I will never contact him. But that 1% could also be the demon….. Because I know I still have so much to worry about…. Like my family…. My livelyhood….. How to make myself happy again. Healing…. Health.

Smoke and “Mirrors”

Impulses. 

This has been happening before but its was among soooo much other things. And while the other things have not permanently gone away this was highlighted.

Both natural and unnatural impulses are out wack for me. For instance the Entity will que the impulse to kick my mothers Dog. Never before have I ever wanted to hurt an animal. Maybe a cockroach…. Bout it. “Karma” in NYC is prolly fucked on that alone (jk). So that is a very unnatural impulse for me. I usually try to change it to petting or being annoying to the animal. 

But then there are “natural” impulses like mainly smoking and eating that has been extremely out of wack. It’s not the act itself as is the frequency of the impulse. So…. Yes I smoke. I mean I didn’t smoke a lot before ALL of this happened (2-4 a day). But the Entity has been both vocal and “suggestive” about smoking and at the same time reprimanding. So literally in the same 30 seconds the Entity will give the impulse to get up and smoke and then a few moments later to “not smoke”. If the Entity suggests me to smoke vocally….. It will say, “Get up and smoke so i can put this away.” (Idk what that even really means). If actually do amoke (suggested or not) it will say “will you PLEASE stop smoking!” Or some version of that. And really I’m over here chilling trying to watch an episode of My Little Ponies in peace.

So the fact that the Entity gives both the impulse to smoke and to not smoke is false sense of choice. Instead of the impulse never being there in the first place or set in motion. The same thing happens with eating even moments after I eat. 

Granted when this all first started I did not choose the healthiest vices. Smoking and eating but again…. I can tell even when my own habits are not me. Even as quiet as an impulse. This happens frequently. So it just feel strange….. And I don’t like it. There are other ones…. But these are just examples. 

So what do I do to resist? Stop smoking (although I want to) and stop eating all together? Fasting…. Again?

Just an observation.

“Higher self” and suicide?

Hypothetically: Would the “higher self” force the I guess “human self” into suicide?

Would the higher self actually say “tired of looking at you fucking up”? Cause wouldn’t that ultimately mean the “higher self” fucked up? 

Just saying.

I guess I am currently in an ocean of terms, ideologies, beliefs and practices ….. Overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. Nothing fits just right. Does this belief make my butt look to big?

Yes. Yes it does.

Discernment has been so important. Because if I truly believed that this Entity was my ex, or God, or Satan…… I would not be here right now. And as much as I want to forgive this abusive being I also must remind myself of this fact.

Today yet another woman expressed having a very similar experience as I. I mean the white outs, choking sensations (not anxiety) as well as a voice calling her a bitch and saying “I’m leaving, I’m never coming back”. I am sure that’s the tip of the iceberg.  

This is soooo similar to the catch phrases that the Entity uses with me its almost scary.

  • “I’m fired” / “You’re fired”
  • I’m never coming back again
  • You will never see me again
  • I’m leaving / “Go Home”

These are just SOME of the catch phrases there are plethora of others depending on the theme or topic.

So why would two different people (women) on different sides of the world and from different cultures and with different symbols and language have an Entity telling them practically the exact same thing???

Hmmmm?????????????!

Por QUE!

I haven’t spoken to her directly to exchange any other notes. But Yea…… It is exhausting. I am glad she was able to position herself to at least stand her ground and know it is NOT her and she is NOT just schizophrenic……

As I said before I ….. I am (personally) where I have attributed all these “mystical” experiences (“angel” sparkles, shadows, spirits, telepathy, “voice of god”, aliens whatever) to this Entity. So…. My beliefs are kinda at a standstill …. But at the same time I look for information.

My only thing is does my exclusive experience with this Entity emulating them mean…. They do not exist? That’s why I try not impose of people too much. I mean whatever gets you through the day. But at the same time I’m about truth AND safety and when those things are compromised…… On a fundamental level….. The “self”….. What do you do other than hold space for each other? 

Allow one to draw their own conclusions with out imposing too much…..

Evolution? 

Late night thought.

As much as I want to trust….. That everything is for the better. And in my previous post as I said before in others people are having all these strange “symptoms” mine just happens to have an annoying voice attached to it. 

And we are all sitting here thinking …. Or hoping it is for the better…. For humanity and upgrade….. 

Have you ever thought this is actually a de-evolution? 

I don’t feel any better….. I feel like shit actually. 

I’m not trying to come from a place of fear…. But just pose the question. I mean there is life….. Which is already hard to deal with and then there is ……. This.

I’m just trying to figure out if my head is the clouds or up my ass. 

I think its important look at this. I mean society isn’t getting any better. Cops are shooting black kids. Racists are trying to “make america great again”, people are hurting our children and for some strange reason there is still hunger in the world. 

And we try soooooooooo fucking hard to combat that …. Some of us. We do. We try to combat the poison in our environment, minds, bodies. And now at the same time we have to deal with these “symptoms” that are some how an upgrade?

And what if I eat too many cookies and forget to meditate …. Too bad upgrade gone?

The fuck is going on? 

Q: Space, Galaxy?

So question….. 

If there are aliens…. Living above in spaceships, below under the earths crust or among us……. Why does NASA even bother with space exploration?

I mean…  Idk…. Can’t we just use hold the keys to an alien spaceship real quick and travel at the speed of light or something?

  • So are there really aliens?
  • Are there really aliens and they don’t want to help us?
  • Are they really other dimensional being posing and ACTING as “aliens” to freak everyone out?

I mean I’ve seen some things in my life, I can’t say they all coralate but they were all strange. (Outside of this insane experience of hearing and Entity). I guess if aliens were/are among us I would think we would be far more advanced than we are now.

So from my understanding, a lot of people are having “awakening” “ascensions” which looks and feels a lot like mass psychosis. As I said before schizophrenia is only suppose to be a small percentage of the population. 

Something’s up…. Not right…. I mean we always knew bad things happen in the world but the tention is tight…. Polarized… I’m not with it…

Im not into spreading fear. My blog is a way to release. I tend to be ….. Cautious when telling someone something say in a forum as i (now) understand how fragile our “subconscious” can be. Its like we really need some sort of multidimensional cosmic spiritual space police / mediation or something cause something is not right. Putting a lable on it is when things get tricky… And even more crazy. 

I don’t need a lable to know I’m not with it. I don’t need to give it a name to know its not good (deception can never be a good thing). But I know I’m not with whatever program this is.

(Joke)

Thought from a forum


Not my words, but of someone in a forum. I just am trying to keep privacy in check, #respectfulBIGmouth. A guy yesterday in a private chat told me not to attribute ANYTHING to what is happening to me, or try to understand it at this point.

In a way, I felt these sensations, lack of control…. Triggering sensations, thoughts, images…. And all I could think of is rape, not me, captivity, hell, loss, confusion, filth. 

I have not had a great experience with this energy over the last few years. I am trying to be nutruel/ positive about it. 

I found myself being more angry than I am use to. I quickly apologize always and everyone in my family is surprisingly understanding and is not holding it against me. But again I have been explicit about what I am going through just in case there were moments like that. Still doesn’t excuse to trying to keep myself composed. I just need to learn how to do this in public while experiencing this thing. 

Uhm…. But again…. I’m trying to approach/ understand this from many angles …. But maybe I need to stop trying to understand it…. Cause it will never make sense…. And I doubt its because my “tiny human brain” can’t handle it….. But because…. That’s just the mystery… And the mystery is the lure.

So trying to understand or attribute…… Is something I need to work on lessening. This is not because of some prize at the end of the rainbow….. But for my own “authenciticity” . 

Fake Friends

I wonder to what extent people in the spiritual communities know what’s really up. While I can see glimers of my experience in other peoples I can’t ever say…… Its just that. 

So I wonder if they are truly awakened….. Or lured into the fantasy of so. 

Or maybe the lure is just avoid, or excuse a process…… an event that makes no sense.

Are those who are “enlightened” and talk in riddles …. Mysterious one liners….. Really enlightened or are they comfortable with their fantasy?

I know often if I feel someone is on the verge (break down/ suicide), I try to be careful of what information or ideas I spew only because I wouldn’t want to influence them to go through the nightmare ive gone through.

I am not enlightened AT ALL! Only understand that an event like this can exist, AND evil is real.

People in the spiritual community talk about the “dark night of the soul”. To my understanding it was experienced by priest as a form of “purification”….. But tum….. How long does this go on for? And to what extent is it real or made up? Why would a bunch of non priest or spiritual leaders need to go through a process, and why here on earth.

I see people going down the path of past lives and it hurts because…. Cause in my experience it is an excuse for spiritual torture. And untrue. But I can’t stop anyone, in a way I can not stop this process or event because if I could have I would have stopped it for myself. I can do is wave a flag of caution…..  Be careful what you believe.