When will the tears end? ðŸ˜­

I was casually looking through my instagram. I was looking for a current photo where I had a ninja look going on. Then I looked at this photo and realized I had some of the same markings in my photos now that I had when I was a child.

Its like this flower portal thing. And I just cried because I don’t know why it’s here or why my life is being ruined because of it.

I was a child!

It had nothing to do with some past mistake I made that this demonic archon voice was trying to force me into suicide over.

This is so fucked up!

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Soul Star Chakra 🌟: Archon Halo ☁ 👼 â˜

So…………. The Archon’s portal energy balls I see on peoples heads and including my own look like halos you see in paintings. Straight up, no bullshit….. They are not glowing but they can invert from dark in the middle to light/clear on the outside or vice versa considering the lighting situation inside.

Last year my “twin flame” therapist told me about the “soul star chakra” which is also known as the “halo chakra”.

Simple stated in the link above “Your 8th Chakra known as the Soul Star Chakra is located about 12 inches to 3 feet from the top of your head (just above your Crown Chakra). Your Soul Star Chakra contains infinite energy, spirituality, Divine Wisdom and compassion. Also known as the Halo Chakra it’s what you see depicted in the historic paintings of Jesus Christ, the Saints and other Divine Masters. This chakra is the essential bridge between your Higher Self/Soul Self in the higher dimensions of reality and your incarnated human self (your personality and physical expression of your soul in third dimensional reality).

As your Soul Star Chakra becomes activated and expands you’ll begin to feel a strong need to align yourself with your Soul’s Mission to finally BE what you know on deeper levels you’re here to BE.”

Only I magically got the opposite! Why I gotta get the Satan halo? Is it suppose to be painful? This painful? 

Many people are saying that yes the body has natural chakras … And 3rd eye and all this good stuff but for some reason these natural systems are being manipulated and information is being falsafied so they can take advantage of us. 

There is an overlay. And its so painful. Like why doesn’t anyone tell you hey as some point you gonna get a half and shit it painful cause inter dimensional entities will prolly suck up you brain juices. I need a manual for this shit. 

Imaginary Friend 🍃👻🍃

I had some “the gruge” like or alien raptor visuals in the begining ….. But I laughed at them …. So oddly my visuals are not AS strong although I have like floating emojis around the house which are odd and visions of child abuse or which is terrifying or random photos of people. 

I guess I am more stern because of the auditory …. Speaking creates more of a relationship. So it’s like one moment the voices would have me crying from saying moms gonna die, then sucidial from a sick visual of child sexual abuse and then trying manipulate me back into a friendly demeanor by making jokes or saying they love me. I realized this was a cycle of abuse. 

The Reconciliation /Honeymoon phase is “The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation, disrespect, confusion, and may mistakenly feel responsible. Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident, this phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change.” 

The first time I was introduced to this was when my best friend in high school told me that her mom would beat her, and then clean her wounds and tell her sorry and it won’t happen again and do it again. I asked my mom if she could live us but she couldn’t. 

Once I found this habitual pattern of abuse…. As much as those funny moments are so important for relief to the constant verbal abuse… To love and not hate…. To laugh….. I sadly had to accept that these voices will never change…. And I can no longer enable their abuse. Nor can I trust any attempt to gain my trust. 

This is called trauma. Not being able to leave a state of constant distrust or being on gaurd…… Physically harms the body in itself as well as how I interact with others. I’m trying to simply be clear and stern about my boundaries rather than be become a full blown narc. But it hurts and its hard because this is NOT my true nature. 

Sans the sick twisted abusive stuff…. I have no problem having an imaginary alien rapture friend that remixes gregorian music, plays air ghost tic tac toe and makes decent jokes given a natrual break in communication and with out pain from them touching me is gone.

Yea…. I am liberal about being crazy.

Copy Cat 🙀🙏 Smiley Face â˜º

Above is a photo from a young girl in my schizophrenia group. We originally started speaking about her hallucinations in the group and she seemed so scared I told her to maybe draw them. To kinda face the fears, showing them she is not afraid. 

At first she was like no, but then some weeks later she started drawing them. And I was really proud of her for facing her fears.

She exolained this one is very different than what she normally sees. And I saw the same one again today as well. 

Some weeks ago my friend “sent me energy” and it looked like smiley face and flowers. I wrote about it in the blog. Her energy was very polite. When she brought her energy back to herself I knew. BUT the demonic energy here tried to copy the look of her energy signature and tried to seem like it was her. But know when it is not. There is always a slight difference from hers. Hers is brighter, faster, and moves. This demons is slow and dull and the smile is different. 

Now this girl drawing a version of the demonic version of this energy that I saw today and its making me upset. 1. Because I pray that its not this demon trying to fuck with her or me. 2. I feel like I should not be around ANYONE like I can’t care about anyone, help anyone with out some bullshit.

They asked me to be a moderator in the schiz group. Cause I give a shit about people and I want people to be OK….. But then things like this just makes me feel like shit.

Melanie Martinez: Rape 

http://bzfd.it/2ADRqyQ

When I first saw Melanie on The Voice I digged her style of switching songs up and her fashion. Her harijuku goth doll look was cute and spoke to an Alt crowd. I’m more punk but anyways it was cool. 

I feel like she appealed the gothy emo crowd which is cool. But I mean lots of childhood truama going on there…. So for her to now be accused of rape is devastating to her fans. Which sucks. But everyone needs to be held accountable. Girl or guy. 

Trigger ⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠

As per the usually fuckery, the demon voices are now trying to accuse me of being abusive and rape. At this point I feel like I just need to be in a cave or something. Actually the friend that the demon referred to in a vision for abuse ( I stopped talking to him because he became a meth head and tried to get me to smoke it and he said I left him in his time if need, whatever) was accused of rape mulipul times, meaning I had about 4 different friends who said he raped in their sleep, I guess trying to turn them on and they told me. 3 of them stayed friends with him. I at the time did not know how to hold people accountable, I was shocked. I hoped it wasn’t true. But various people only told me about his actions. He always seemed to have sex with MY friends for some reason. And even my cousin which was a line crossed. 

He even lashed out at me because I was still friends with my friend who accused him. But I saw him do the same thing one new years night to my roommate when thet were super drunk and just left the room cause I felt uncomfortable cause he was staring at me at the same time. They had sex before and I was uncomfortable and grossed out. So I ran to my room and wanted it out of my head. But this was the same thing my friend that’s a girl described to me maybe 5+ years prior. And it is rape and I didn’t know what to do about it.

Learning HOW to hold people accountable is so important otherwise you freeze.

Not even talking about my own rape. Cause I don’t feel like it.

Just sucks that this shit happened to me…. And now I have be called a rapist, and a child molestor… And incest and…. Racist… All this other shit that ain’t even me by some demon.

I don’t know how much more my brain can really take. 

Opposite World: “As above So Below” â˜ðŸ‘‡

Kundalini is a eastern spiritual concept. Prayer is a western spiritual concept or can be known as meditation. And “shadow work” is a western psychological concept.

So Carl Jungs “Shadow Work identifies the “issue”, where is comes from and the belief that supports it. And the “prayer” or meditation  helps to find I guess a solution or letting go control of it through belief.  For me I take the prayer a step further and put an action with it ….. Which would be a Kundalini “Reversal”.

Schizophenia is like being stuck in mirror world, opposite world, upside down world. It’s like you are constantly met with the opposite, kept from joy that seem like its with reach.

Being the opposite of what you know yourself to be is called “negative symptoms. If you were super motivated and organized …  And one day you wakevup disheveled and depressed. Negative symptom is essentially what you knew yourself as being “taken away”. 

This whole “as above so below” means what? That may be the biggest lie ever. Above where? Below where? We say “On earth as it is in heaven”. I have no idea what heaven is like. So how does that translate to earth? I have no idea what hell is actually like…. But this experience was pretty fucking close.

How do we move out of the limits of this oppression?

My idea of a mirror was that my actual traits would be reflected back to me…. That what I try to bring into the world would be reflected back and actually make a difference. That you do unto others as you would have done unto you because well… We hope that that happens to us too…. But one too many times this did not play out the way I thought it would…. And you move on…. But now I am stuck….

Kinda just bombarded by all that is the world…. But not the beauty the things I wish were changed about the world.

Monster Logos ❤


Not all but many of the “energy”, entities, aliens, archons whatever you want to call them have a … Logo of sorts. I would assume, since they seem to be a hivr mind ad they attach to a humans individuality they long for that same separation. Thus a representation …. A logo of themselves of sorts.

Either way….. Each being…. Yes is individual in a way or for the moment…. And they CAN tether to you to sustain it self itself in whatever form that truly is. 

Just as they tether they can disconnect…. But who wants to find a new victim to learn? 

No I have seen “energy” or Entities that DID NOT connect to me physically and did not force itself to stay in my field or my home. 

I have to keep reminding myself there is a good spiritual world. And just because I have been forced to see this side that doesn’t make me a bad person for trying to understand and not leaving it to prayer alone. The Entities often try to guilt me…. Saying I’m a bad christian or something like that…. Because I donyt leave this to prayer alone. Again, Me, God, Meds. 

One of my friends told me about a story where she was in s parade in Chile and she fainted and then a shaman help her friend carry her to a place and then the shaman blew smoke on her back and pulled out like a teddy bear smoke logo. This teddy bear was a teather from an entity attempting to attach or hide in her. But was removed. 

Just like I had logos #, 👽, X, ❤  of all kinda stuff on arms and body. I can see but I can not remove them.

If I look directly where I know there is an “energy field” portal, alien demon whatever…. It will spew something at me…. It will sparkle maybe black maybe white and then I will see a smaller “portal” near me or a logo on my skin or my third eye. 

When I take photos of my face…. It legit looks like a child scribbled on my forehead. Especially the 3rd. I don’t know how long they last, or if they wash off in a shower… Or what. 

But sorry we want our people to be spiritually OK they need to know this shit good or bad.if you are walking around with a naked lady in your arua masterbating then that’s fucked up. That’s what I saw in this one guys field…. And he knew what I was talking about. I never a full figure before. 

I have no interest in playing with these entities…. Or anyone else for that matter when it comes to this. I seek to be free of the bullshit that is not me. Like this is basic shit. 

Buzz Head 🐝🐝


 (Original photo done by an artist in my schiz group.)

So I was sleeping and my head kept buzzing. Like a seizure, but then I had to literally peel myself out of a lucid dream.

I kept seeing the image above as I woke up and was still in it. And once I moved physically it stopped. Seizures don’t stop once you move out of the area. It was sleep paralysis on my brain. It’s the same buzzing on my vag.

Seriously what’s the point? And what is different now than it was say two or three years ago?

Why are we generally seeing the same thing? 

Black Obsidian: Root Chakra

So last night that insane “root chakra” vibrating rumble, burning, pin prick almost feels like my core is being yanked out…yea that feeling happened and so I put this obsidian on my vagina (non sexual yall, sorry its the demons fault I even think like that now).

Uhm it didn’t stop the vibration because then it just intensified… But it seems like it diverted it for a little while from directly with my cells. 

The virbatiin happens from the thighs all the way to the vagina area…. Sometimes a little further up into the actual reproductive system…. Sometimes feel like and empty yanking….. You know when your stomach growls… It feels like that but then a yanking sensation.

I know its one of those portal archon disks that’s doing this to me. They can get big or small…. Right small enough to be on the clit area and super annoying or large enought to include my thighs. I put my hand down there and usually it stop it but this time it was  so strong I could feel the buzz with my hand. 

I have used my thighs to squeeze it out more times then I have the energy for. Some say its “kundalini”. But can you actually push kundalini out if its naturally part of your spiritual body? 

Also there is no progressions to it. Kundalini I thought was suppose to progress in come way. 

I have had “kundalini” like sensation go up my back, very similar to to the root chakra…. But that always feel like a leaving sensation. 

It doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t like it I have no idea what’s going on….. Or why or the point of it all.

I just feel violated. I’ve never violated anyone. Ok maybe tickling my sister.

Either way the crystal didn’t help. Yes I cleaned them. Everyone keeps telling me to use crystals and so far they are only beautiful objects. A security blanket in the freezing winter.

——-+

UPDATE Google Doc SearchDoctor diagnosed Vibrating Vagina. I finally got the nerve to ask my doctor about the vibrating/humming sensation in my vagina. … He said the sensation is due to blood flow. The blood flow can cause turbulence which results in the vibratingfeeling.

———

I mean blood flows….  But in that way there is a stimuli like when you are with a lover…. Or there is a threat to the body. So just blood flow is not a good enough answer for me. But it is ONE biological answer. When I would squeeze my thighs until I heard a crunch I would see the fast clear circle shoot out from legs. 

Sometimes I wonder if I’m fucking myself up more than these aliens are just trying to figure out what’s happening to my body and why I don’t feel connected to it. 

Idk. I hate this. 

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