Disassociative Identity Disorder

Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia is less common than bipolar disorder and is usually first diagnosed in a person’s late teens or early to late 20’s. More men than women receive a diagnosis of schizophrenia, which is characterized by having both hallucinations and delusions. Hallucinations are seeing or hearing things that aren’t there. Delusions are the belief in something that isn’t true. People who have delusions will continue with their delusions even when shown evidence that contradicts the delusion. That’s because, like hallucinations, delusions are “irrational” — the opposite of logic and reason. Since reason doesn’t apply to someone who has a schizophrenic delusion, arguing with it logically gets a person nowhere.

Schizophrenia is also challenging to treat mainly because people with this disorder don’t function as well in society and have difficulty maintaining the treatment regimen. Such treatment usually involves medications and psychotherapy, but can also involve a day program for people who have more severe or treatment-resistant forms of the disorder.

Because of the nature of the symptoms of schizophrenia, people with this disorder often find it difficult to interact with others, and conduct normal life activities, such as holding down a job. Many people with schizophrenia go off of treatment (sometimes, for instance, because a hallucination may tell them to do so), and end up homeless.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-differences-between-bipolar-disorder-schizophrenia-and-multiple-personality-disorder/

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So this was triggered by someone mentioning Disassociative Identity in Kundalini support fb group as it may relate. I decided to look it up (cause i wasnt sure exactly what it ment) and it brought me back to schizophrenia which I then trying to see if there was a difference. This was after having a pretty decent night/ morning of inspiring chit chatting with other women in PCOS, weight loss and spiritual groups. 

So back in reality, this is what I am up against.

One it seems that Schizophrenia has so many layers. The “hallucinations”, the different “personalities”, the story… Because there seems to be a story you have to believe. I mean I hear/ read about people tripping all kinda balls (which is comforting), from speaking to their angels, dead relatives, god, demons (😞) and I think the only difference between me and them is maybe the frequence of the experience and the fact I can not function regularly.

I mean I heard of people “battling their demons” but I didn’t know it was this real! And I def didn’t know that they talk back. At this point I don’t even know what my “demon” is. 😕 I mean cigarettes, food (currently)? Its def not my ex and its def not child abuse. 

So if I go out in public and I’m being called a child molestor by this Voice and I’m starting to have a panic attack from being both upset and angry and then I start to cry cause there is nothing I can do, even though I hold it back and then I feel that choking sensation where the Entity WANTS me to cry, and taking it to the next level of attack. And Yea…. So….. How do I ….. How can I hold down a job like this?  

While I am carried off into LaLa land of fear, pain, lies, confusion and misunderstandings. My life …. Again…. Is at risk. Risk of not being able to take care of myself. Risk of being homeless AGAIN! 

So what’s real? I’ve peeled back the layers of this Voice…. It definitely ain’t God, its not some telapathic communication between my ex (twin flame), shit its not even real day to day communication (as it has interfered in regular conversations) even though it has predicted the future. I’ve pegged it as a demon, it prefers to be called an Entity. I peeled back the multiple “story line” in which it said I would “Die (commit suicide) for my Ex by means of child molestation (fear)” sooooooo ……………………….. Yea.

But with all that aside how do I mitigate between these two experiences? When right there in that article it says that’s what my life will be. I already read it…. I cant unread it. And this “Entity/Voice” has found what I would call inspiration (usually negative) from the most unusual, ironic and forgotten places no matter how positive I try to be.

I don’t know. 

I miss hanging put with my friends, I miss cooking healthy veggies, working out, riding my bike and getting lost and then trying to find my way back (not a metaphor) , I miss being intimate with someone (sexual or not), I miss working, I miss my dream… My fairytales even if it isn’t true…. It didn’t matter, I miss creating, i miss being inspired, I miss thinking for “myself” or not thinking at all, I miss my hair, I miss my intuition, my motivation, my direction……… I miss me.

I’m unsure how to proceed and when I get a little bit of inspiration I get brought down. I mean if I do something nice for my sister or try to make her laugh the Entity goes in extra hard (saying something gross or feeling violating sensations) to make sure I feel like shit a few moments later. If I get the courage to go out into the world and test myself I am reminded that it will turn everything into a shit show, twisting every interaction or word spoken to its own other and usually gross meaning.

I haven’t taken a shower in a week. Its almost like i dont want to take a shower or go outside until this thing is gone. I don’t know why. I just eat, sleep (sometimes choked to sleep), take care of my sister, sleep again, smoke a cig, sleep again, eat, take care of my sister, and hear this stupid nasty bullshit all day in between.

I know its prolly not a good or realistic idea. But …. I don’t know what else to do. How many more prayers? How many more shamans? Pills? Articles? How many more times do I have to tell this thing to leave before its gone?

I can’t blame looking up the disassociative thing on the Entity. I saw it in a forum and instantly wanted to know more…. I can’t even blame it for feeling like shit right now other than its presence and usual fuckery. But it was kind of like a reality check. Is it a demon or is it my mind fucking with me? And why is my mind fucking with me? And why does it have to be negative? And why does it seem like it has an agenda?

As much as I want to believe any of it…. Either the demon and or that my mind is broken and fucking with me …. None of it makes sense. 

I heard that for every alement, there is an antidote (in nature). I have not found mine yet. 

Running out of Game

Now that the entity has already caused the damage in my life, in my body, my mind, it wants to “be my friend”. 

This isn’t the usual brainwash, hypnosis no control kind of request. It really wants to act like its concerned for my well being. After giving strong urges to jump off an over pass because I went to a shaman.

So if loss my real friends during this process why the fuck would I want to gain this entity as one? 

Its more manipulation, to give itself a purpose and a reason to be in my life when it has NONE! 

One more day…. Just one more game. 

Choice and variables

So let’s just take this idea of “karma matrix” out of the picture. Let’s throw out this idea that you must “pay” for something you did or didn’t do. Cause people do bad things all the fucking time and get away with it and even live a great fucking life. But if you try to do good, then people just see that as weak, vulnerable… Bleeding heart. Whatever. But let’s remove this idea for a moment. 

What is choice? What is choice if you are influenced? What is choice if you are influenced and you didn’t know to what extent you were influenced. Like a lab rat.

So the variable in “choice” is not true choice unless you have a discision in the variables. So for instance. Smoking. As a smoker, I have smoked before unconsciously. Now I smoke with the awareness that an “entity” is “suggesting” to smoke sometime and sometimes not. However how can it be true choice? Now, if the entity didn’t “suggest” for me to smoke, I may or may not have went for a smoke. Shit I might have stopped smoking all together…. Maybe had one less frequently. Who knows. But as long as this entity, this demon is a variable in my life I will never truly know what is “my choice” as long as it is trying to influence me. I know myself at the basic level and then there is the BETTER me (working out, eatting right, smoking less, not antisocial, enjoying my work, finding what I love to do alone)  which was the road i was on but knocked off of in 2016.

I have no choice in seeing the images I saw, feeling the sensations I felt, hearing the sick things and twisted concepts I heard. And at best being FORCED to quit my job by this entity. 

The entity said that, I (me) make choices in all of this. Ok all except the real important one….. Engaging with this entity.

So where is my free will? Where is my choice in all of this if I am being influenced? The entity has both “suggested” me to smoke and reprimanded me for smoking in the same moment. After the bullshit i’ve seen and been through im lucky I didnt go into harder drugs which some people do in order to shake the demons. Actually my second attempt at suicide I took aLOT of pills and went to sleep and that was the first I heard silence in 6 months. 

I’m just over it.
The conflict, the contrast, the opposite, the drama, the debate. 

While I can say that this has deepened my compassion for the vunerablity of human beings….. At the same time I can not say that it is all the same. But the compassion is there. 

I want my choice in all of this! And my choice is that this thing…. This monster….. This demon…. To not engage, influence or be a part of my life in anyway. 

Power. Nothing that is truly sovereign would ever NEED to have power OVER someoneone else. 

I hope God forgives me

I hope God forgives me for allowing this entity, this dark energy to interfere with my life, my gifts, my relationships. I hope he can forgive me for the visions I had no choice in seeing and can not unsee. For the inability to protect myself from the sensations, from the thoughts that do not feel are mine. For truth known and unknown. For anytime that my words did not match my love for God. 

I hope God can forgive me in this experience for this experience. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel this, to hear this, to know this, to see it. Not even my worse enemy.

I have to also forgive and accept my vulnerability. I am not a rock. 

This is the prayer that I will always hold in my heart. 

Watch “Spirit & Entity Possession, Soul Loss, Soul Retrieval, and The Energy Game of Earth” on YouTube

Take the best and leave the rest. But conceptual interesting. 

I am unsure what exactly is happening to me. Schizophrenia, kundalini, awakening, demonic psychic attack, ect. Unsure, but I know what ever it is feels very much outside of me, outside my control ….. A non natural response to sensory factors in my everyday life. 

To have not only have my memories/ intentions/ beliefs “skewed” by an entity or voice, but also have my natural responses to things around me feel just as skewed….. The opposite ….. That it is telling. To me that is a major point.

If someone doesn’t know or can’t tell what is the TRUTH then in a sense their power is gone. They are basing their actions and beliefs on a lie. But in the same side letting go can also be powerful as well. Letting go that you may not know.

I could list all the ways in which this entity has interfered in my life by super imposing itself as other people, or gentle whispers. I can also list all the “truamas” in my life in hopes to find a good reason…. That this happened to me. Maybe I will maybe I won’t. But the most important thing is that it kind of doesn’t matter. Like Yea maybe you weren’t nice to someone but that doesn’t mean you can’t be to the next. Do I want to live my whole entire life reliving a few fuck ups over and over and not look at all the great things I’ve done? How I persevered? How I tried to return the kindness? Its not about being boastful but balanced. No ones perfect. 

Do you know or remember who you really are? Is that who you want to be? 

I’m still going through it, though the volume and sensations are “less intense”, the themes are the same, the fuckery is the same. And I will have to eventually forgive myself for falling for for it (what I know and don’t know). However this video talks about trauma, and how our “souls” / energy is loss through this process which gives “access” to theses beings. Or that is at least was is told. 

I guess what I’m saying is if the “past trauma” comes up AND/OR is preyed upon by dark energies to maintain control …… How do I know that the “trauma” from expierencing this won’t pop up or has left a gapping hole whatever. Because this shit was more twisted and fucked up then any of the “traumas” or fuck ups I have ever made. 

Just saying. 

Schizophrenia post

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/670827-Hearing-voices-and-feeling-like-people-are-watching-me-reading-my-mind

I found this post resonate with me. Only I don’t have that much I regret or that has really weighed me down (other than the fact this entity can manipulate me and i had to do sex work which still isn’t that serious to me) and I’ve tried drugs a few times (cigarettes and sugar are my preferred vice). What sucks is this guy feels he is a terrible person….. And he not. And that’s the running theme I find going on here. I bet if he really looked he would find its just one. But the fact that these “voices”, ONLY seem to come out negative is telling as to their nature. 

He mentioned that they were trying to make him gay which he wasn’t. The voice did the same to to me, only I identify as queer (although I was exclusively dating men) and don’t give a shit and believe same sex couples have the right to love. The voice would say “well I guess you’re gay now!” And would also call my ex (twin flame) gay, or say “You’ve  gay now” (meaning because it made me cut off all my hair and thinks I’m ugly and fat that he has to look at a man all day). I have never used the term Gay as a slur, nor do I think it’s something to be ashamed of.

Either way…. There were a lot of similarities in the article…. But as I said they are very negative, random and I am unsure of its agenda. The guy also feels closed off and has considered suicide. Any being/entity/part of our brain …. WHY? Why would it want us to take our lives. If this is a part of me why would it want me to take my life? 

“It says because it wants another one”, its tired of looking at me, “end of my show”. Like really? How could my mind even come up with this shit? And almost all of a it is the OPPOSITE of who I know myself to be. 

I heard of some drug addicts receiving visions of like relative who has passed or Jesus and they were then able to get their life right. So why am I chillin and this shit just keeps popping out of know where.

There is something about OPPOSITE that seems to ring true… Why would my subconcios mind be able to tell the near future? How would my subconscious mind be the opposite? Why would the subconscious mind run you through extremes? 

What funny is often the voice/entity tries to beat me to my own thought so I am aware of most of my first unformulated thoughts. So example: I hear my mom move in the kitchen. Maybe she says “lord have mercy” Maybe I visualize her – the entity then says “I got her, she’s next, you’ve blessed (cursed her)” or something to that extent. This is a NO! Just no.

Either way interesting read.

Relationships 💕

I’m unsure of how to form new relationships. I have to be honest with myself and others. But at the same time telling someone I’m “schizophrenic” or that I hear voices could run anyone away ….. OR they could possibly play off of it.

The last guy I dated, had a similar experience, and I liked him but he like ghosted on valentine day and then didn’t contact me for a month. Popped up saying he missed me. And at this point I feel so deep in this disgusting energy that I just can’t. In a way I wanted him to help me cultivate joy. To take my mind off of this …. For a moment. I still respected him as a person but I just can’t handle the ….. Entity playing off another relationship. So I just pushed him away.

My previous relationship with my ex (“twin flame”) slowly but surely the entity pretended to be the voice of my ex right in front of me. So I was “miss hearing” things that he never said like… I love you….. And when I finally sat down to talk to my ex about it he was shocked and we were not on the same page. (I plan on purging that story some time soon)

Sooooooooooo….. I keep myself locked in the house like a beast because I have this monster screaming in my ear… My head… Playing with me… Like a toy. And in some ways I don’t want to drag anyone else into that again…. Into any misunderstanding. I don’t want to fuck up…. I don’t know how to not fuck up with this…. Make someone text everything they are saying to me so I can reference it later?

I barely take a shower because the entity talks about how fat and ugly I am and that “no one wants to see this show”. And previously I had a mild sense of esteem. Like yea I want to loose a few pound but at least I tried to put my best forward.

When walking down the street or scrolling through my fb timeline the entity calls out who it thinks is pretty or not. And if they are, the entity says they look better than me and so on. I have almost trained myself to glaze over a crowd but it still picks someone out.

There are so many storylines, and put downs, and threats all day everyday that I just don’t know if I could ever truly drag someone in this. 

I’m all hippy dippy and so like wonder if they get any of this energy? Its gross. I don’t even have energy to give honestly I my body…. My spirit… Is drained from constantly trying to defend itself all day and all night.

So how can I bring someone new in my world? How can i make my own self happy if all the things that made me happy are almost impossible to engage in. (Music, reading, working out, hanging out, art, walking, working). All of that takes energy and I can’t seem to focus mine or the entity twists it or stakes claims. 

Its like if I have my OWN thoughts the entity gets up set and tries to override them…. By talking more, confusing me, or just jibber jabbing. So I’m just kind of at a loss. I know that I need to be patient …. But at the same time I’m trying to envision how I will proceed with life when there is an Entity that wants to take it.

Watch “3 – Ascension Hacks That Will Make Things Easier” on YouTube

An Eye For An Eye

” An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”

So I am fortunate enough (sarcasm) to live in a home where there are at least two to three TVS blaring all day until about 1am. (Greatful tho) My sister is currently watching a bio on Tupac. 

I remember when this experience first started I kept saying “I feel like tupac” well at least to myself anyway. I literally felt like I was dying… My head was being blown up not only with thoughts but also the sensation that thoughts were actually being shoved in there. Every time some one sneezed or coughed I felt like I was being shot in my forhead/third eye. I remember in one bio I watched about Tupac, he said something about feeling like someone was going to shoot him or something to that extent. I felt like the same cause I had never seen, felt or heard anything like I experience ever before in my life. 

So my sister has the Tupac story on. I am on DAY 2 of trying not to respond to this entity (or at least trying my best). The show said something about “deadbeat dads”, and the entity automatically applied the statement to me. 

The best way I can explain (and I let it roll bare with me): My father (who wasn’t around for ten years), I believe a vision of the day I told my mother that we should get child support, the fact that my parents kicked me out (but light light), the fact that I am unable to work and I am living at my parents rent free, and the insinuation that my father is NOW making up for it by financially taking care of me (mom and sister)/ karma or something like that. This happened all in maybe less than a minute. 

MY first thought after that is ,”wow and I thought I was young”. Now what I meant by my statement was that, thinking NOW that my dad owes me ANYTHING is unevolved. All I can be is grateful. I was content with our yearly beach trips. But he does not OWE me anything. There is no karmic debt to be paid for him not being in my life as a child. If anything I would think that is painful enough. 

So this entity trying to again drag me into a “storyline” an idea that my dad is trying to make up for something or that I should even view it as such is unevolved and lower level thinking. AND most of all untrue.

Even when I was a teen, I knew that putting both my (twin) sister and I through college would be difficult. And I in my mind stepped back so that my sister (who has a slight learning “disability”) could go through college. I figured I would make it on my own. I just wasn’t prepared to be kicked out. I struggled with the fact that school cost so much but I went a few times in between jobs but never got a degree. I firmly believe that school (amoung other things) should free/ accessible/ affordable to everyone. But I tried. The idea of debt hanging over my head sucked but I tried the straight narrow with out much luck. 

Ironically enough, the year (this year) that college became free in New York state, I am unable to properly read with out every word/ idea being twisted back to death, my ex (twin flame), child abuse, the degradation of God or family (there are others but those are the major ones). So how could I ever get through a book or a crunch time paper with out loosing my shit? 

Either way. This idea of “karma” is really not sitting well with me. That this is because of that. Or that’s the storyline we tell ourselves or allowed to be told to us. It’s the BECAUSE we hide behind getting or not getting what we want. This thought is unevolved. But its the you did this because….. This happened because…… That weaves together a storyline. And we try to understand. Other than it just is. I am not saying that there is no cause and effect. But its the story, because the cause and effect may have nothing to do with the storyline that we are either told or make up in our head. 

If that makes sense.

“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”, I said this because being trapped in a cycle of this is happening for that and I do this because this, (its a mindset I’m talking about) this idea of karma looping…. Keeps us blind…. Stuck. But to what?  All i know is I’m not with it! I believe in the book called “The Art of Love” I read after a break up the author talked about that looping of poision. That we inflict pain on people (loved ones) when we feel pain from them. We want to give it back. But instead we can take the time to get to the root and suck out the pain/poison and not allow for it to permeate and become apart of this drawn out “storyline” of back and forth. The BECAUSE instead of is and was….. Instead of letting it go. Like a fucked up version of the Wonder Years TV show, there (may or may not be) this narrator. That just can’t let go of the IS and have to turn it into a BECAUSE. 

NOW, trying to actually apply this to my own life (or reapply it), is difficult because (heh) I want nothing more in the depths of my heart but for this entity to leave my entire life. For this experience to end. I can never go back to being “normal” but….. Yea I accept that. I gave up on trying to figure out what it is…. Because everyone has their own “storyline”, fears, belief, solutions, reasons why it is happening. And while I would like to know. I’m OK with not knowing. But I refuse to get sucked into a “karma” loop. Allowing for this entity to give false bullshit reasons for affecting/ influencing my life. Letting go of the want is tricky. The WANTing to remove this entity from my life is difficult to let go of, since I’m feel practically imprisoned into feeling sensations and thoughts that were never there before.

Day 2. 

Past Life BS

The entity says I’m suppose to “die of molestation”, and that I abused 57 children in a past life and I am “paying” for it now. 

Right. 😒😩

It also said I was Isis in a past life and I’m over here wondering how many Isis are running around on the planet right now? 

So WHY would the entity need to make me feel like/ call me a child molestor when I’m not one. “Because its more painful that you are not.” 

OK so HOW do I know that is not what happened in the past life? (Super fucking hypothetical)

I don’t believe any of this shit. It says I was a man in a past life that’s why I am an ugly woman. And only beautiful women have children. And that my ex (“twin flame”) will have a beautiful woman to have a son with and I should die so he can live on. 

This is the bullshit I hear all fucking day.

I can’t even make shit up. At any point in my life…… I really can’t. Like I can do so landscape swirly unicorn type shit but the shit this entity plants in my head is absurd and out of control. My creativity is limited to like some Cosmo ethereal shit.

So fucking over this shit. And the funny shit is is that this thing is calling ME a molestor when all it does is buzz and zap and crazy shit to my gentials all day long and in my sleep and like practically rapes me every night. Shit is sick.

If I could jump out my skin I would. Instead I’m trapped inside my body with an unwanted guest!