An Eye For An Eye

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”

So I am fortunate enough (sarcasm) to live in a home where there are at least two to three TVS blaring all day until about 1am. (Greatful tho) My sister is currently watching a bio on Tupac. 

I remember when this experience first started I kept saying “I feel like tupac” well at least to myself anyway. I literally felt like I was dying… My head was being blown up not only with thoughts but also the sensation that thoughts were actually being shoved in there. Every time some one sneezed or coughed I felt like I was being shot in my forhead/third eye. I remember in one bio I watched about Tupac, he said something about feeling like someone was going to shoot him or something to that extent. I felt like the same cause I had never seen, felt or heard anything like I experience ever before in my life. 

So my sister has the Tupac story on. I am on DAY 2 of trying not to respond to this entity (or at least trying my best). The show said something about “deadbeat dads”, and the entity automatically applied the statement to me. 

The best way I can explain (and I let it roll bare with me): My father (who wasn’t around for ten years), I believe a vision of the day I told my mother that we should get child support, the fact that my parents kicked me out (but light light), the fact that I am unable to work and I am living at my parents rent free, and the insinuation that my father is NOW making up for it by financially taking care of me (mom and sister)/ karma or something like that. This happened all in maybe less than a minute. 

MY first thought after that is ,”wow and I thought I was young”. Now what I meant by my statement was that, thinking NOW that my dad owes me ANYTHING is unevolved. All I can be is grateful. I was content with our yearly beach trips. But he does not OWE me anything. There is no karmic debt to be paid for him not being in my life as a child. If anything I would think that is painful enough. 

So this entity trying to again drag me into a “storyline” an idea that my dad is trying to make up for something or that I should even view it as such is unevolved and lower level thinking. AND most of all untrue.

Even when I was a teen, I knew that putting both my (twin) sister and I through college would be difficult. And I in my mind stepped back so that my sister (who has a slight learning “disability”) could go through college. I figured I would make it on my own. I just wasn’t prepared to be kicked out. I struggled with the fact that school cost so much but I went a few times in between jobs but never got a degree. I firmly believe that school (amoung other things) should free/ accessible/ affordable to everyone. But I tried. The idea of debt hanging over my head sucked but I tried the straight narrow with out much luck. 

Ironically enough, the year (this year) that college became free in New York state, I am unable to properly read with out every word/ idea being twisted back to death, my ex (twin flame), child abuse, the degradation of God or family (there are others but those are the major ones). So how could I ever get through a book or a crunch time paper with out loosing my shit? 

Either way. This idea of “karma” is really not sitting well with me. That this is because of that. Or that’s the storyline we tell ourselves or allowed to be told to us. It’s the BECAUSE we hide behind getting or not getting what we want. This thought is unevolved. But its the you did this because….. This happened because…… That weaves together a storyline. And we try to understand. Other than it just is. I am not saying that there is no cause and effect. But its the story, because the cause and effect may have nothing to do with the storyline that we are either told or make up in our head. 

If that makes sense.

“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”, I said this because being trapped in a cycle of this is happening for that and I do this because this, (its a mindset I’m talking about) this idea of karma looping…. Keeps us blind…. Stuck. But to what?  All i know is I’m not with it! I believe in the book called “The Art of Love” I read after a break up the author talked about that looping of poision. That we inflict pain on people (loved ones) when we feel pain from them. We want to give it back. But instead we can take the time to get to the root and suck out the pain/poison and not allow for it to permeate and become apart of this drawn out “storyline” of back and forth. The BECAUSE instead of is and was….. Instead of letting it go. Like a fucked up version of the Wonder Years TV show, there (may or may not be) this narrator. That just can’t let go of the IS and have to turn it into a BECAUSE. 

NOW, trying to actually apply this to my own life (or reapply it), is difficult because (heh) I want nothing more in the depths of my heart but for this entity to leave my entire life. For this experience to end. I can never go back to being “normal” but….. Yea I accept that. I gave up on trying to figure out what it is…. Because everyone has their own “storyline”, fears, belief, solutions, reasons why it is happening. And while I would like to know. I’m OK with not knowing. But I refuse to get sucked into a “karma” loop. Allowing for this entity to give false bullshit reasons for affecting/ influencing my life. Letting go of the want is tricky. The WANTing to remove this entity from my life is difficult to let go of, since I’m feel practically imprisoned into feeling sensations and thoughts that were never there before.

Day 2. 

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