So let’s just take this idea of “karma matrix” out of the picture. Let’s throw out this idea that you must “pay” for something you did or didn’t do. Cause people do bad things all the fucking time and get away with it and even live a great fucking life. But if you try to do good, then people just see that as weak, vulnerable… Bleeding heart. Whatever. But let’s remove this idea for a moment.
What is choice? What is choice if you are influenced? What is choice if you are influenced and you didn’t know to what extent you were influenced. Like a lab rat.
So the variable in “choice” is not true choice unless you have a discision in the variables. So for instance. Smoking. As a smoker, I have smoked before unconsciously. Now I smoke with the awareness that an “entity” is “suggesting” to smoke sometime and sometimes not. However how can it be true choice? Now, if the entity didn’t “suggest” for me to smoke, I may or may not have went for a smoke. Shit I might have stopped smoking all together…. Maybe had one less frequently. Who knows. But as long as this entity, this demon is a variable in my life I will never truly know what is “my choice” as long as it is trying to influence me. I know myself at the basic level and then there is the BETTER me (working out, eatting right, smoking less, not antisocial, enjoying my work, finding what I love to do alone) which was the road i was on but knocked off of in 2016.
I have no choice in seeing the images I saw, feeling the sensations I felt, hearing the sick things and twisted concepts I heard. And at best being FORCED to quit my job by this entity.
The entity said that, I (me) make choices in all of this. Ok all except the real important one….. Engaging with this entity.
So where is my free will? Where is my choice in all of this if I am being influenced? The entity has both “suggested” me to smoke and reprimanded me for smoking in the same moment. After the bullshit i’ve seen and been through im lucky I didnt go into harder drugs which some people do in order to shake the demons. Actually my second attempt at suicide I took aLOT of pills and went to sleep and that was the first I heard silence in 6 months.
I’m just over it.
The conflict, the contrast, the opposite, the drama, the debate.
While I can say that this has deepened my compassion for the vunerablity of human beings….. At the same time I can not say that it is all the same. But the compassion is there.
I want my choice in all of this! And my choice is that this thing…. This monster….. This demon…. To not engage, influence or be a part of my life in anyway.
Power. Nothing that is truly sovereign would ever NEED to have power OVER someoneone else.