Disassociative Identity Disorder

Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia is less common than bipolar disorder and is usually first diagnosed in a person’s late teens or early to late 20’s. More men than women receive a diagnosis of schizophrenia, which is characterized by having both hallucinations and delusions. Hallucinations are seeing or hearing things that aren’t there. Delusions are the belief in something that isn’t true. People who have delusions will continue with their delusions even when shown evidence that contradicts the delusion. That’s because, like hallucinations, delusions are “irrational” — the opposite of logic and reason. Since reason doesn’t apply to someone who has a schizophrenic delusion, arguing with it logically gets a person nowhere.

Schizophrenia is also challenging to treat mainly because people with this disorder don’t function as well in society and have difficulty maintaining the treatment regimen. Such treatment usually involves medications and psychotherapy, but can also involve a day program for people who have more severe or treatment-resistant forms of the disorder.

Because of the nature of the symptoms of schizophrenia, people with this disorder often find it difficult to interact with others, and conduct normal life activities, such as holding down a job. Many people with schizophrenia go off of treatment (sometimes, for instance, because a hallucination may tell them to do so), and end up homeless.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-differences-between-bipolar-disorder-schizophrenia-and-multiple-personality-disorder/

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So this was triggered by someone mentioning Disassociative Identity in Kundalini support fb group as it may relate. I decided to look it up (cause i wasnt sure exactly what it ment) and it brought me back to schizophrenia which I then trying to see if there was a difference. This was after having a pretty decent night/ morning of inspiring chit chatting with other women in PCOS, weight loss and spiritual groups. 

So back in reality, this is what I am up against.

One it seems that Schizophrenia has so many layers. The “hallucinations”, the different “personalities”, the story… Because there seems to be a story you have to believe. I mean I hear/ read about people tripping all kinda balls (which is comforting), from speaking to their angels, dead relatives, god, demons (😞) and I think the only difference between me and them is maybe the frequence of the experience and the fact I can not function regularly.

I mean I heard of people “battling their demons” but I didn’t know it was this real! And I def didn’t know that they talk back. At this point I don’t even know what my “demon” is. 😕 I mean cigarettes, food (currently)? Its def not my ex and its def not child abuse. 

So if I go out in public and I’m being called a child molestor by this Voice and I’m starting to have a panic attack from being both upset and angry and then I start to cry cause there is nothing I can do, even though I hold it back and then I feel that choking sensation where the Entity WANTS me to cry, and taking it to the next level of attack. And Yea…. So….. How do I ….. How can I hold down a job like this?  

While I am carried off into LaLa land of fear, pain, lies, confusion and misunderstandings. My life …. Again…. Is at risk. Risk of not being able to take care of myself. Risk of being homeless AGAIN! 

So what’s real? I’ve peeled back the layers of this Voice…. It definitely ain’t God, its not some telapathic communication between my ex (twin flame), shit its not even real day to day communication (as it has interfered in regular conversations) even though it has predicted the future. I’ve pegged it as a demon, it prefers to be called an Entity. I peeled back the multiple “story line” in which it said I would “Die (commit suicide) for my Ex by means of child molestation (fear)” sooooooo ……………………….. Yea.

But with all that aside how do I mitigate between these two experiences? When right there in that article it says that’s what my life will be. I already read it…. I cant unread it. And this “Entity/Voice” has found what I would call inspiration (usually negative) from the most unusual, ironic and forgotten places no matter how positive I try to be.

I don’t know. 

I miss hanging put with my friends, I miss cooking healthy veggies, working out, riding my bike and getting lost and then trying to find my way back (not a metaphor) , I miss being intimate with someone (sexual or not), I miss working, I miss my dream… My fairytales even if it isn’t true…. It didn’t matter, I miss creating, i miss being inspired, I miss thinking for “myself” or not thinking at all, I miss my hair, I miss my intuition, my motivation, my direction……… I miss me.

I’m unsure how to proceed and when I get a little bit of inspiration I get brought down. I mean if I do something nice for my sister or try to make her laugh the Entity goes in extra hard (saying something gross or feeling violating sensations) to make sure I feel like shit a few moments later. If I get the courage to go out into the world and test myself I am reminded that it will turn everything into a shit show, twisting every interaction or word spoken to its own other and usually gross meaning.

I haven’t taken a shower in a week. Its almost like i dont want to take a shower or go outside until this thing is gone. I don’t know why. I just eat, sleep (sometimes choked to sleep), take care of my sister, sleep again, smoke a cig, sleep again, eat, take care of my sister, and hear this stupid nasty bullshit all day in between.

I know its prolly not a good or realistic idea. But …. I don’t know what else to do. How many more prayers? How many more shamans? Pills? Articles? How many more times do I have to tell this thing to leave before its gone?

I can’t blame looking up the disassociative thing on the Entity. I saw it in a forum and instantly wanted to know more…. I can’t even blame it for feeling like shit right now other than its presence and usual fuckery. But it was kind of like a reality check. Is it a demon or is it my mind fucking with me? And why is my mind fucking with me? And why does it have to be negative? And why does it seem like it has an agenda?

As much as I want to believe any of it…. Either the demon and or that my mind is broken and fucking with me …. None of it makes sense. 

I heard that for every alement, there is an antidote (in nature). I have not found mine yet. 

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8 thoughts on “Disassociative Identity Disorder

  1. After a quick scroll through your blog I see an absence of comments. So I’m not sure if you are discussing these thing with anyone. Confusing mental illness with a possible possession is quite alarming to read and I am not quite sure how you are coping with either, both or neither.
    First question: are you grounded? What do you do to ensure you are grounded?
    Second: are you dabbling in things you shouldn’t? (Magic, intense meditation)
    Thirdly: how do you want this to play out, do you want it to end or would you like to continue living like this??

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    • Yea its been crazy since this popped up out of no where last year. I am coping by writing and not really interacting with the world as I don’t know how to yet after this has happened. My therapist quit her job so I just stopped going and dealing with this on my own (with the help of a few good souls via the internet). I have grounded myself on my own but it took a lot of peeling back the layers of the lies….. I’ve also warned my loved ones what is going on with me so that they know if I act out of character towards them and for my own safety. 2. When I felt disconnected from the obsession I felt for my ex (“twin flame storyline” ) I though that he had done some sort of juju on me, so I did a forget him spell on myself so I could stop feeling crazy but it didn’t didn’t work. It got worse. I have also gone to shamans and reiki healers in hopes to “release this energy” or whatever this is that feels outside of me and not of my nature. 3. I want nothing more than to end this experience of hearing this demon voice this that wants to ruin my life and essence.

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      • I’ve read quite a bit of your story and the first thing of note is how negative it is which means you are feeding the ‘entity’ and giving it what it wants.
        Second is that you are meddling in too many different things when you need to start simple and be consistent. Forget words like kundalini, forget about spells and shamanism. Start with yourself, start with self love and self awareness.
        You have identified that your ex was not really your ‘twin flame’ and that he has not ‘hexed’ you forget about all that. Forget about all that you know and that you read as you are clutching desperately at straws and this fear of the unknown is what the dark side loves.
        I experienced something similar. A connection with an ex awakened some past life trauma from that night on I was followed around for two years. I was strangled and tormented. I chose love and light. Everything I did was simple. Everything I did was to love myself and fill myself with love, happiness and forgiveness. It worked.
        These Archons/entities/dark spirits want you to be isolated, fearful, angry, tired, weak… do the opposite. Be strong! Everyday you must surround yourself in the light and love of your creator. You may think that what I am saying is basic and won’t work but you are the channel, you’re sadness and desperation for love is what is keeping this thing to you. You need to regain control over your own life!!

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      • Thank you. I received a message from another woman today saying the same thing. I was told to send this entity love and light but all I could think of is a care bear stare. While I still know I’m a ways away. Pulling myself out of the delusion I found myself in the middle of was A LOT of work. I put most beliefs and need for intimacy aside. This wasn’t really about the need to be loved, my family love me, my friends love me, my community love(d) me, and I them. It took isolation to really see what this thing is …. And or what its about. I didn’t loose any love ….. Or any worth…. I mean im not fond that I cut my hair or that I haven’t showered. But that’s how serious I am….. I don’t give a fuck. I am now aware of the ways in which this thing operates …. And its useless disgusting and I want it out of my life. As I said this is what would feel like a midway point back to me (and not even the beat me) and that took over a year. But again….. When this entity goes in (when I go outside) it goes IN and usually causes a panic attack that is hard to control. Its not about being afraid of the world, but its that this entity is amused in making it seems so. I’m still trying to regain my strength …..

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      • You chose how you react and from this moment on. you will regain control and move forward, everything else is in the past.
        I don’t agree with sending love and light and I refrained from sending you any as these dark beings are complex and can feed off this too. I hope my actions and words are enough for you to know my intentions are good and pure.
        You have gone through so much and it is time to draw a line and step forward leaving this thing behind you.
        You should be proud of yourself and thankful. Thank this being for showing you things needed to change. Tell it you wish it well but you do not agree and you release yourself from any agreements you made in past lives to pay for mistakes. Tell it you will use love and light to spread love to others and thus will get your penance.

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  2. Firstly clean your space – deep clean!! Dust, Hoover, get rid of old clothes, anything with bad energy attached – old Bf photos, souvenirs, anything that does not make you smile!! Throw it all away
    Move your bed – get new sheets, put something beautiful in your room, something that when you wake up it breaks your heart how amazingly fabulous it is
    Purify – hold a ceremony. Burn sage, bring it into every corner of the room, let some smoke in your cupboards and closets, (windows don’t forget windows) walk slowly and cleanse your space, this is your space now, go everywhere the darkness could be.
    Light candles. (Without causing a fire hazard) surround yourself in light. Light tea lights and sit in a circle of light.
    Sit and breathe in the centre of the room.
    Tell yourself no ask, shout, cry and be HEARD! Ask the angels, saints, heavenly beings – anyone who is there to help to send love, to make you strong, free you of this darkness. Ask the angels to stay with you always, give permission for love to enter your life, for people to come and help you.
    Trust me they will. All you need to do is ask and stay strong x
    Your negativity and fear keeps this darkness with you. This blog talks of loneliness, fear of the future and isolation whether you realise or not.
    You are young, have hope, don’t give up. You need to be alone right now to build a healthy mind, forget about sex and relationship. Love yourself. Be happy, be the beautiful person you are and when you are ready love will come and the life you want will be waiting for you.
    Easy for me to say right? My biological clock doesn’t tick… Yh I had these fears and I had to work with worse as my clock is broken but you know what I am so happy and so full of light that the angels brought me to you!
    If you only do one thing today then please start with a cleanse. You need to understand that you need to go back to basics with this problem.
    Your first reaction may be to tell me how much pain you’re in, how this thing is driving you mad but Sshhhh! Be still, be quiet, be calm.
    Make a decision to change. Cleanse, purify, rid yourself of negativity and make space for love… how does that sound?

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