Got Weed? 🌴

Where the weed at?

So last night I smoked some weed to see what will happen. Just two or three puffs. Lol it doesn’t take much. I always wondered how my friends could smoke a whole L to the head but whatever.

So smoking almost immediately the voice went into scary mode unlike when I take an edible. Edibles tend to be more popped out. I didn’t “feel” as high as I normally do. When I smoke usually I feel opened up. Exposed to the world. I’ve even felt that way with this Entity completely sober. So its strange.

This time though when I say it went in IT WENT IN to try to scary me. This time felt more like mind control. It was a constant bombardment of EVERYTHING being related back to child abuse. It stated off with the Entity saying, “It….. Was ….. A-pparent………….. To me” trying to suggest that I was this demons mother and hurt it in a past life or some bullshit. And I just smoked my weed and gave it a big NAH.

Kept trying to convince me in every possible way, almost like it did when it tried to convince me it was God. It was like a very strong feeling. And I wasn’t budging. So I decided to watch Once Upon A Time….. And I mean this demon was relating EVERYTHING to child abuse. The most innocent of details…. To the whole storyline. Its almost like i had this Entity just streamed thoughts of child abuse in a mind control manner and just was like NOPE. It was twisting it make it seem like there was even an aundertone of child abuse. And I was just like NOPE NOPE NOPAh! Not falling for any of the bullshit.

Even my dream once i went to sleep, though there where no images, the entiry tried to give a “theme” of child abuse, it almost felt separate like it didn’t even go with the dream but interjected in this strange way, like a tick. It was woa intense. But I’m not falling for any of it.

Not this life, not past life, no other dimensions….. Its a NO!

Either way I might smoke some more just to see how stupid this Entity Demon gets. Not because I necessarily want to talk about child abuse ever again in my life.

This is like mental/ spiritual gentrification. 

Kiss my ass demon!

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Twin Flame Reboot

I know why the Entity picked my ex (“twin flame”)…… It was because he didn’t love me or find me “hot” or attractive.

I had always wondered why it was him and not my ex (“soul mate” of 5 years), and it was mostly because we remained friends and had great communication.

I mean it pretty much started out that way with my “twin flame”. I wasn’t sure if he even really was attracted to me because he would talk about how models treated him at an events. I didn’t want to be the result of someone’s low self esteem. He was def not a result of mine……… or maybe he was. I guess I gave it a chance because I know its never black or white or that simple, it takes time for people to get to really know each other…… I tried not to let it get the best of me. But eventually it did. 

Its not all his fault. I mean I am demon possessed schizophrenic, so I’m sure that didn’t help.

But I’m pretty sure that is the reason the demon choose my ex “twin flame”. The foundation was mud and our communication was like pulling teeth. And clearly I’m an over sharer because I don’t like there to be much confusion.

My ex was not a “twin flame”…. But a “false twin flame. And was only used to lure me to my suffering.

It gnawed at every once of confidence I developed in my adult life. Widdled down to nothingness because I fell for a few tricks.

Everyone says “things happen for a reason”, I’m really not confident in this experience. It is beyond the words I type. The words your see. This is just the tip of the iceberg because I would never want anyone to dive into that depth. 

I am frustrated and beyond hurt.

This isn’t about “being a victim”. I’m stating facts. I would love for this to be over and go about my day. But yea. I’m ….. Done with it. 

The “Spiritual Bypass” πŸ˜·

I was thinking after someone thanked me for being raw in my journal. Can someone actually “spiritually bypass”?

I understand the concept, that some people are essentially spiritual fuckboys, a faΓ§ade of sorts to gain favorablity or even worse your cash flow. 

But the idea is kind of counter intuitive in the sense that, where ever someone is “spiritually” is exactly where they should be. I mean can you truly induce or avoid an awakening? I don’t think many had a choice.

I think the concept of spiritual bypass should be taken even more broadly. I read many articles on “awakening” , “ascension” and spirituality trying to deeply understand what was happening to me. 

I was met with these beautiful purple blue astral DMT trip images of someone in a state of bliss or enlightenment (we’ve all seen that blue guy, and its always a guy). With some articles listing the top 10 ways to know you are awakening. Usually its intense isolation and loss. 

It goes on to explain heighten “psychic abilities”, along with a message that this is a “gift”. 😩 bruh. 

Like can we put the fairtales aside?

Awakening, possession or severe mental illness, either way this shit sucks. 

Its like that lie we tell most women that “childbirth is the most rewarding thing ever“, not being real about the fact your insides are gonna fall out, tailbone crack and probably have to wear a maxi pad just to keep from peeing on yourself.

Like be real about it.

Uhg its the same fairytale with “twin flames”. Twin flame is literally like being sent to hell. And yet for the past what 6 years or so people have been trying to surrender something I don’t even know in order to get into “union”. That its called heart break…… And if you were unlucky enough to catch one of these demons…  Its called obsession.

Let’s get real. There is a meeting point of psychology, spirituality and science.

The fluff and glamour is getting people way thrown off. Blissed out, love and light, all powerful black sorcerer with skull rings. Like get a fucking grip.

Love is a decision, it is an conscious action, it is a struggle.

I don’t trust the state of “bliss” any more than I trust the anxiety, depression. Any or all can be mimicked by an “entity”, and if you are addicted to bliss, welp…. Have fun.

Don’t try to act like you’re above anyone because magically “trancended ego” and all the way up in the ether on the 12 dimensions looking down on all the poor people who have idea what the fuck you are talking about.

We are one, we are the world no separation, bla bla….. GUESS WHAT the world is hurting, bleeding profusely of its energy and resources. Its people outside of your bliss bubble are in pain, a pain so indescribable they choose to stay silent about until one day….. It catches up with them.

On that day….. I hope some, anyone will be honest about how this shit sucks on every level. And how vunerable and human we are…… And how they are not alone. And how we need them…. 

That’s all. 

Why Unrequited Love Killed Me. πŸ’”

I had a love. A great love. I will always cherish. We had a 6 year relationship and still till this day remain good friends. I call him my soul mate. I thought we would be married but since we were queer it never was a big deal to me.

After our break up. I started dating men for the first time. It was a bit disheartening. They were liars or aggressive. 

I met who I call a twin flame (for name sake) and never felt so insecure in a relationship. I didn’t know what we were, I didn’t know how to act and I felt like I was constantly being tested. Which is not my steeez. I don’t test people so I in return expect the same.

There was just so much material and insecurity for this Entity to play off of to manipulate.

People say “you have to love yourself first”, and I do. I mean we all have our ups and downs it’s natural. But I do. I was more heart broken that I did not, could not or haven’t found the reflection of myself. 

I get glimpses here and there. But something comes in and skews it. Usually it is lack of clarity, that lack of clarity or the refusal to do so leads to insecurity. And that insecurity feeds the beasts that lurk hunting for a victim to control.

Essentially, if I felt secure in the relationship with my twin flame the Entity would have never been able to play off of him.

Unrequited love, the insecurity of not seeing the love that I gave reflected back essentially cause my death, spiritual. My innocence was mutilated, sanity diminished. 

I finally became a reflection of the world. 

U g l y πŸ‘Ύ

Each moment is like saying goodbye to myself in hopes that one day the distance between who I currently …. Who I was …. And want to be will merge in a harmony.

I looked back at photos of myself last year. You know back when I use to take a shower. Back when my spirit wasn’t protesting inside of my body in order to figure out what the fuck is going on.

In those moments, past, photos, I remember I felt so ugly. I was ugly cause a man, and ex, “twin flame”, whom this Demon/ Entity hid behind in order to play me out of my life, told me I looked like a man, ugly, fat,…..or would say my ex made a bet on how much weight I could loose before we got back together. Because I wasn’t good enough.

Now, unshowered, unmotivated, tired of fighting, sad in a way, look back and say to myself….. I wasn’t ugly.

But I can’t seem to ever tell the me that’s here now….. That you are not ugly, and who cares you are more than flesh and bones, you are worthy, you are enough. 
I don’t know when I will be enough. 

Asmodeus – demons

I didn’t know there were demons of marriage. 

https://www.facebook.com/notes/grace-elizabeth-joy-anderson/prayer-against-asmodeus-abaddon-the-marriage-breakers-revised-2017/1248608205175274/
Although this is more Christian base its interesting that there is an understanding that there is a demon that focuses on preventing or destroying marriages and building a life. Not to say that anyone needs to get married. NOW calling them the prince of hell is a bit much I wouldn’t call them that because there are too many. Good old fashion demonic assholes.

The only reason I bring this up…. Because this demon keeps saying “you will never have kids”, “you will never get married”, “kill yourself for (ex “twin flame” name)” ect. 

The thing is I never care too much about marriage or kids. Again the queer thing. I mean after my god son was born naturally I I thought about it. But my focus is and will always be love first. 

So I know made a pack with myself that I wouldn’t have children unless I was married. I saw my mom struggle as a single mom I just didn’t want to do it. But this was in passing and not a big deal.

But I will never understand why a this demon entity still goes on about it. Maybe I’m a bit traditional. But again it has never been in the for front. Oh well. Just something else to add to the list of stuff. 

ChosenΒ 

During an “episode”, I’m sure the first are always the meatiest…. How are scenarios, topics, themes, fears, voices, images chosen?

While I am dropping the demon perspective, I guess I am only doing this maybe… Prove that point. 

I have other fears. Like….. Trypophobia, you know the fear of irregular holes. That and mayo. So why was child abuse chosen as a theme?

Or why did it choose the ex (“twin flame”) that it chose, I’ve dated other men, and my longest was with my ex partner of 5 years who is transgender and we are still friends. So why not that ex? I mean there is at least 5 years worth of material there.

Why this time in my life? When everyone in my family was in a health crisis and my grandma and uncle passed away? Why now? Why not before? Why when I tried my hardest to keep my head above the sadness was I yanked down into its depths?

Why the goddess Isis? I studied mythology from both Celtic and Yoruba culture. And more recently Yoruba looking into the characteristics of Yemaya and Oshun.
Why when I looked up, spirit husband, djinn, incubus, the Entity said it prefers to be called and an Entity? And prior to that chose my ex (“twin flames”) name as its own. 

Why can anxiety be created in me, but I can not create anxiety? Why can the voice in my head send buzz and burns to my body, but I can not do the same TO MY body?

Why of all the amazing feats (over coming homelessness, weight loss, good job, paying studeny loans, raises etc) was then every thing undone? I stayed optimistic.

Why for every postivie thought or action, this voice negates it with something gross or disgusting?

How are these thing chosen? When there is wide range of emotions or topics to choose from?

I mean I have sun understanding of subconscious material. I’m not saying that the material wasn’t there, I’m saying who or how it is all chosen and weaved into some insane storyline?

Who or what has the choice? Cause I know I could not even phathom something like this. 

Target Individuals

A guy from a forum read my story and suggested that I maybe experiencing “MK Ultra” or “Targeted Individual”. I have heard these terms in my research, but I am unsure how it applies.

I don’t know what I would have done to make myself a TI. I’ve done activist work in the past…. But nothing too serious. I mean if I was gonna be target back then would be the moment as I feel like a vet at this point. Not because I am but because things are complicated (aren’t they?) and I focused my attention on positive change.

At one point, I did feel very stalked, I was SUPER paranoid…. I thought my ex was telepathic mind control, curse, cosmic joke stalking me. I wasn’t “allowed” to go to area of NYC because those where his drinking places even my neighborhood of birth. I even thought his friends were stalking me, or gazing into a crystal ball viewing me or something. This in term made me check his Facebook and Instagram OD looking for clues. But it only fed the twin flame “story”. Same thing with using people from my job I had to quit. 

But once I stopped believing it was him (or anyone from my job), the images of his friends or a sense they were stalking me went away. 

While the “Entity” still uses my ex’s to insight some sort of feeling. I can say my ex is truly linked to this experience other than we dated for 6 months. But his image/voice is used to control.

Yes I hear the voice, the tones, the white noise constantly. I still get “third eye” visuals (which is different than my imagination), and strange sensations in my private areas, but also all over my body, head pressures, burning ect. And yes this voice, this “Entity”, will say ANY story to make my life unbearable or make me off myself (because apparently that’s not murderπŸ˜’).

I can’t say what this is. Its not good…. That is for sure. Its not a test…. There is no prize at the end of the rainbow. No my ex is not coming back. This is not for a child (which is fucking gross). None of it. 

I don’t know what it is. And people seem to have these similar symptoms but different experience (which I could list from my research). Depends on your culture and belief (to an extent, because it will also drag you to new beliefs or story lines), but there are majored similarities.

So what do you do? What do we do? What do I do? To just live? I can’t see the point of all these people tripping balls. Its stopping any movements. Its clearly not stopping anything bad from happening. Its def not helping population control….. Sooooooo TF?

When will I or we be able to heal? 

Just one more theory to my insanity to tack on the list. 

😩