U g l y 👾

Each moment is like saying goodbye to myself in hopes that one day the distance between who I currently …. Who I was …. And want to be will merge in a harmony.

I looked back at photos of myself last year. You know back when I use to take a shower. Back when my spirit wasn’t protesting inside of my body in order to figure out what the fuck is going on.

In those moments, past, photos, I remember I felt so ugly. I was ugly cause a man, and ex, “twin flame”, whom this Demon/ Entity hid behind in order to play me out of my life, told me I looked like a man, ugly, fat,…..or would say my ex made a bet on how much weight I could loose before we got back together. Because I wasn’t good enough.

Now, unshowered, unmotivated, tired of fighting, sad in a way, look back and say to myself….. I wasn’t ugly.

But I can’t seem to ever tell the me that’s here now….. That you are not ugly, and who cares you are more than flesh and bones, you are worthy, you are enough. 
I don’t know when I will be enough. 

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“Trigger words”

I think the benefits to meditating is being able to mentally step back. If someone is unfortunate enough to be in this experience then meditating or disassociation is almost necessary. If you are on a constant GO you might not notice how your thoughts are racing or even the beginnings of the mind “being controlled”.

The other benefits is in knowing that there may be trigger, words, images or topics. For me they were mostly sexually distorted themes or topics. But for others may be racism, sexism, religious, fears, issues, guilts, wants, ect.

So understanding what is triggering you is important. This doesn’t even mean that they ACTUALLY trigger you in the way that they do. I mean rape is generally not acceptable (I’m not going to get into how society makes it socially acceptable and victim shaming). And we hear stories of it a lot more than we probably want. But if this brings a “voice” that distorts your beliefs…. A sensation that contradict your beliefs ….. Then in that moment we are challenged. Is that really me? I know who I am.

Being on social media allows for us to be triggered at a rate that is unfathomable. I am having a hard time believing this is about “releasing collective energy” or “old traumas” when this experience is in fact a trauma in itself.

One day I sat and said certain words or looked at images or topics to see what was triggering. But then when I would go back to the same image or word it would stop. It was once I was aware….  Did it become annoying to the Entity and it stopped the game (one of many).

Thisay or may not work for some. But I firmly believe you not wake up one day like this. Yes life can trigger depression. I mean when I was homeless I was depressed…. I was able to push through….make the best of it. But this…. This is totally different.

So its difficult. To be in two worlds at once. One over powers the other. Making life seem more grim than it is. I the world is scary….. But then we try to do some good and our best. At least I would hope so.

Either way its something I am aware of. But at the same time I understand it is not me. 

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