πŸ’” Fake Happy πŸ˜­πŸ˜­πŸ˜­πŸ˜­

So last night and this morning I guess I an in greif mode because I’m so upset about my health and I feel stuck and lost, and poor.

So because I am so keen on myself, or because I’m balling my eyes out when I stop crying I can feel the entity trying to make me “fake happy”. It lime feeling all your facial muscles trying to smile, it doesn’t feel natural, a little bit of a blank mind.

This demon entity uses “positive emotions”, as well to control people. 

I am literally grieving my body and all the pain, memories, and fat that has been stored in this vessel. 

Although my sister still has to use a cane. She has started to go back to work to push herself in her healing process, and now I’m here lost in my own.

I know I have to loose weight I just don’t know how to do it in this current circumstance. Food is so expensive around here, and being active is painful with this entity attached to my throat, head ect. 

I just don’t know what to do any more. ME I’ve finally ran out of answers. I was always the bitch with an answer, solution and something to say. 

And I have no idea what to do now and I am at a lost for words as to how fucked I feel.

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Schizo + Disassociative Identity 😱 (+spirituality)

So I quickly read through this article on Disassociative Identity Disorder by buzzfeed. 

As I was reading through it I had this notion while I was trying to fully understand if the “personalities” are acted out or if they are observed. I know of a lot of people who also have “black outs” or periods of time they don’t remember.

Prior to “becoming officially schizo”, there was a period in time where I started to not feel “like myself”. I even told my ex twin flame. I didn’t know if it was because I never dated men prior. 

I just felt Angry, really really angry, mistrusting, paranoid, obessesive, lustful.

I could not accept this change in personality. I tried every method to reconcile these feelings with in myself. Lol spells that didn’t work. I couldn’t talk to my twin flame openingly so it only made things worse.

In short I feel like prior to schizo, my “personality” change could have been a disassociative identity and the more I resisted the worse it got, until I cried and cried and cried and cried, and boom full on 24/7 none stop schizophrenic.

On the spiritual aspect to this was that it almost feels like a spiritual possession of sorts was happening slowly or I was unaware, and I restisted so much. I kept questioning always “why don’t I feel like me”, and those “spirits” demon alien whatevers had been stalking me for a while. So when I resisted so hard, looking for answers reading, shamans. And finally…. There it was….. Even through the schizo I resisted resisted and here right now to tell you, cause if I didn’t I would be dead. 

Its like because I wouldn’t fall for full possession (disassociative identity) it aimed for schizo (demon haunting), and went to the worse thing in the fucking world as torture (sexual violence, molestation) as a mode to get me dead or locked up or just plain old looking crazy, something not good.

Idk that’s what came to mind from my side of the story. I have no idea why these things are here or choose to torture me. 

http://bzfd.it/2xXx1pA

b o r e d πŸ˜©

I’m bored and tired at the same time. 

Be honest I’m so tired of my attention being drawn to my vagina because its being buzz, zapped, burned, whatever or sometimes its just attention is drawn there by the Entity. 

Even if I’m just playing an app game, I’m trying to keep my mind off of things and then the Entity will flash an image of my ex and basically molest me to make it seem like I’m turned on by him or something. 

I’m just tired, and disgusted and bored.

Shit is so old. I busted out in tears right now cause I’m tired of this nasty feeling….. And I’m sexually liberal! Its gross its violating. I know my feelings and this ain’t it. 

I’m so tired of crying…. I just wish I had comfort, someone who cared, wasn’t schedule sex….. That I could trust wouldn’t trigger the fuck out of me for fun. Take my mind off of this, do something fun together.

I’m tired of these asshole demons molesting me and then turning around and having the audacity to call me a fucking child molester. Like fuck this shit. 

Inspirational Meme: “A Positive Mind” πŸ‘‘

This was in a group. Its a meme is see ALOT! It contributes to the attitude that we are not enough. It contributes to the false idea of positivity. It negates the experience of people who are struggling, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. 

This was my response to this meme. 

++++++++++++++++++

” I use to think this. As I felt healthy at the time mentally and physically. It was easy to check myself on a simple negative thought. 

It wasn’t until I became schizophrenic last year out of the blue….. That this no longer apply. I wasn’t hearing negative voices because I didn’t eat enough organic veggies (which I did) or because I didn’t keep a “positive mind”.

This, as for many others who suffer from various degrees of what we know as schizophrenia, do not have a choice. As much as we try.

So for those who are lucky enough to take this in its simplest form be grateful. 

And those who struggle everyday, you are strong…… 

And no…. You are not your thoughts. “

Shambala Meditation


So I was watching a video on meditating put out by the Shambala Center for Medititation , it was a simple meditation, and it asked us to picture out favorite weather, then the what happened through our day, then the weather of how we currently feel. 

In a way I do this all day. Constantly checking my weather and emotional landscapes. 

But as I discribed what I felt like….. I started to become overwhelmed with the fact that this may very well be who I am for the rest of my short existence in the universe. I started to cry and get choked up, the Entity said I was “faking it”. And I quickly stopped cause I was yet again distracted from feeling my natural self. 

Which is tired, scared and more tired of having to be “brave” every moment of every day.

Some where while I was listening to the meditation I was thinking about can I accept this as who I am? Something along those line. …. It was acceptance….. And not fighting…. This thing anymore. But that’s when I started crying. Because I genuinely don’t want to accept this as reality but it is. If I accept it does that mean ….. I accept it. 

How can I not accept it…. But just accept it as it is what is currently happening. I try to be in. The moment. But as my mind sprawls out to getting a job, loosing weight, moving out, being better, being normal….. I quickly retract back to the fact that I am tripping balls with a demob all fucking day. And it sucks. And its a waste of life…. And I just do t know if its responsible to dedicate myself to another job where I might have another cosmic joke cast on me and I will run out with my head literally on fire. 

Feeling this “energy” this demon, entity whatever is Painful! Its physically painful, its emotionally painful but I have shut down in many ways to cope, it is mentally painful and I am tired of thinking and its painful to feel like you are having thoughts shoved into your head and mentally jumping hurdled of fuckery, its painful to see your deteriorate and set back so far from your goals.

It hurts to have these thoughts and visions. On any level or intensity. It hurts…. It will never stop hurting… Even if I lie to myself to just get by. And the world hurts….. But that’s whole other level. 

I don’t know. 

I’m trying to accept…. In hopes that accepting will still make it go away. Between the physical pain and the mental and emotional pain of the subjects chosen by this Entity, I just don’t know HOW to accept it. Or what part I’m accepting. Will accepting make it seem like I’m OK with seeing child abuse? Or be raped more often? If I push through all of this and get back to me will it kill me? For having the audacity to be myself.

I’m tired of being brave. Numb is not brave but neither is taking anyone(things) shit.

The fuck is surrendering? 

I Wonder If I Never


If I never believed, or cared, or wondered why I saw what I saw. If I never read those articles that said seeing sparkles means your angels are around. 

If I never held my beautiful dreams in such high regards. Revealed in the otherworldly bliss. 

If I never thought there could actually be a special connection between two people. Telepathy between hearts. 

That maybe if I never thought there was something beautiful outside myself. Outside this world that seems so bleak at times. 

That maybe if I didn’t seek. Or believed in anything. 

That maybe I wouldn’t be in the situation I am in now with this demon. I don’t think anyone could truly be prepared. 

I was dumb to think the “other side of the veil” would be any better than this world.

I was naive. I have to forgive myself for not knowing any better. For falling prey…….. To the illusion.

I got dooped by false light and now I’m a “schizophrenic”.

Sleep to Dream …. (Or heal)

I have written a few posts about sleep cycles, dreaming and the relation to my experience. 

Brain waves, sleep cycles, horome release, dream quality…. All super important.

Other than falling down the rabbit hole….. Each time I try to identify the beginning of this experience with this Entity I realize I was in the rabbit hole much longer than I thought.

I mean, I had a shadow dream here…. Or felt someone sucking air out my chest, or hearing spirits here or there, “prophetic” dreams….. Thinking I had telepathy with my ex. All kinds of “spiritual” experiences if you will. Things I now associate with this Entity. And I could be wrong in division of labor. Either way it doesn’t matter.

HEALING has been my major focus. I rant, bitch and rave on this blog. But believe me with the little bit of brain I am left with I search for ways, paths, methods, information to heal, to be better …. To get better.

One thing I noticed for me was sleep. This why I was trying to understand the different state of sleep and brain waves. I felt I was being kept from sleep…. Because I was always awakened in the middle of the night or not allowed long sleep durations. 1-2 hour max intervals.

I researched the body needs that last few hours of a 6-8 hour sleep cycle to release important hormones to the body. 

So when I realized that I was being kept from this…. I questioned.

I recently read an article in VICE magazine that was dedicated to people who take MDMA. Apparently the experience these brain zaps or electrical zaps that hurt. I am currently not taking any drugs other than Zquil and advil for headaches. I have smoked weed, taken shrooms like twice, X once, molly once …. Some coke as a kid. Nothing super serious over my 15+ years of adulting.

Either way point is…. I also experienced these electrocuting zaps in my head (an vag) that accompanied the voice/ Entity …. Mostly as I tried to go to sleep or wake up. So the article suggested repairing the brain with Essential Amino Acids found in salmon, eggs and stuff which helps with boosting serotonin.

I think this is why my I had a natural inclination to just sleep A LOT once I gave up. I gave up in the sense of trying to act like everything was OK. I am not OK. And I don’t know when I will be OK. But I am trying every approach in hopes something works.

Sleep is healing…. It helps with my mood. I can’t run on 4 hours of sleep like use to and that’s OK. I would like to require less than 16 hours but hey….. Baby steps. 

So I haven’t tried yet but I have this supplement called L-Ornithine which is suppose to help with sleep and is an amino acid.

I am gonna see if it helps with anything.

But I am not sure if this will directly help with the Entity. I mean my mood is blah. Like I’m still me…. But doing none me things to cope with the Entity. So its a strange place to be in. Its like I personally don’t feel like much is wrong with me (other than needing to eat right and be more social like I use to) other than coping with the Entity…. The voice and what happens to my body in its presence.

Either way I will update on any advancements with the supplement. 

ChosenΒ 

During an “episode”, I’m sure the first are always the meatiest…. How are scenarios, topics, themes, fears, voices, images chosen?

While I am dropping the demon perspective, I guess I am only doing this maybe… Prove that point. 

I have other fears. Like….. Trypophobia, you know the fear of irregular holes. That and mayo. So why was child abuse chosen as a theme?

Or why did it choose the ex (“twin flame”) that it chose, I’ve dated other men, and my longest was with my ex partner of 5 years who is transgender and we are still friends. So why not that ex? I mean there is at least 5 years worth of material there.

Why this time in my life? When everyone in my family was in a health crisis and my grandma and uncle passed away? Why now? Why not before? Why when I tried my hardest to keep my head above the sadness was I yanked down into its depths?

Why the goddess Isis? I studied mythology from both Celtic and Yoruba culture. And more recently Yoruba looking into the characteristics of Yemaya and Oshun.
Why when I looked up, spirit husband, djinn, incubus, the Entity said it prefers to be called and an Entity? And prior to that chose my ex (“twin flames”) name as its own. 

Why can anxiety be created in me, but I can not create anxiety? Why can the voice in my head send buzz and burns to my body, but I can not do the same TO MY body?

Why of all the amazing feats (over coming homelessness, weight loss, good job, paying studeny loans, raises etc) was then every thing undone? I stayed optimistic.

Why for every postivie thought or action, this voice negates it with something gross or disgusting?

How are these thing chosen? When there is wide range of emotions or topics to choose from?

I mean I have sun understanding of subconscious material. I’m not saying that the material wasn’t there, I’m saying who or how it is all chosen and weaved into some insane storyline?

Who or what has the choice? Cause I know I could not even phathom something like this. 

Dark Web

A friend had inquired about the “dark web” on Facebook and people began to describe it. Someone said that you can use bitcoin to watch someone get killed. 

Sometimes I wonder if someone is doing something to me. I mean there is “radio” like sounds coming from my head, and next and vag. So I don’t know maybe someone has extreme technology to do this to someone.

As I said there seems to be a main “one” that kind of orchestrates the distant scream bubbles, the two talking on the TV, or a “set” which is like almost being submerged in an environment.

I thought if it is possible someone could do this to someone. Maybe I could find out how, and get my life back. 

I don’t know. I would like to think humans are better than doing something like this….. But then realized after reading the comments about the dark web…. That they are not.

I just don’t know. I just want it gone.

Just thinking. Which seems to work against me at times, because this Entity uses it for a story at a later time for its own entertainment. 

Clearing Energy

While the “energy” in my throat seems to have cleared. That means when I recorded it there were no radio static or blips. Also when I apply pressure I don’t feel the release as much. Also the strange rash that developed at the base of my neck cleared up. 

My vagina has not had the same affect. I felt the buzz and decided to record both areas but only had radio static sound in my vag. It only comes out when i record it, I don’t actually hear it myself. I didn’t try the top of my head, even tho its still kinda tense right now. 

Vagina is super curse. So lame. 😩😩😩

Why do I have radio sounds coming from my vagina?

Its like its crazy, but then I have all these confirmations that its outside or beyond me.