So I’m sitting here with a positive decision for disability case. I’m labeled schizophrenic now. It makes me sad.
I don’t know what that means for my future. Discrimination is real.
I’m not Job.
But I’ve had so much taken away, home, possessions, job, lovers, friends, innocence …….. down to my sanity.
And I gave it all up. I payed there watching demons and spirits going in and out of my body. Unable to move half the time. Being raped by demons. Shown visions of child sexual abuse. Voices saying I want to have sex with my family members. Watching my ex and rapist get married.
And all I tried to do was make the world a better place. To help others. I gave all my heart and soul to the world FOR God. To combat the evil in this world. The evil I didn’t even know was THIS real.
I never asked for anything from God. Ever. Just thanked God for the opportunities. For the love I got to experience. But this time I begged God to remove this pedo rapist demon out of my life. And not to jump to the next person, but remove it for all.
I spoke to soooo many spiritists, targeted Individuals and schizophrenics…. who all one day out of no where started suffering a demon placing these taboos in their life.
All I wanted, prayed for, examined in waiting was for this to grossness to be removed.
And it hasn’t.
I live everyday jumping over the voices saying pedophile things. I have to love and teach my godson about life with the guilt and shame of even having this voice in my life saying these things while all I am trying to do is love. Bring love, peace, joy, compassion, gentle lessons into this life.
And God hasn’t removed it.
And still. The thorn on my side. The worse possible thing. The idea of hurting a child. Replays at any opportunity.
I’m disgusted with myself even though I know it’s not me. It never was and never will be.
But I begged God to remove it. And God hasn’t. My bottom line is removal. Not sometime pedo, or a little bit of incest. GONE!
And I feel like a brat being unmoving from my position at the same time. But I can’t and will not accept this as my life. It’s not me.
God broke my heart. The one time I begged for God to show up, God didn’t.
I don’t know what that means for me. I don’t know why. I don’t know why God would let me suffer being raped by demons.
I don’t get the lesson. I just feel like a lab rat on all these meds which I never would have taken but I am desperate. I feel like there is this dangling carrot of faith in front of me to get to the prize and I just want it GONE.
And people will tell me it’s because I need this crystal or bath, I’m not praying hard enough or the right way, faith is not strong enough, I need to eat this or that way, I need to cast this spell, that whatever I have done (which has been a lot) was or is never enough. They persecute me like the demons do. That I’m not enough for God grace.
God broke my heart not showing up for this one. And I don’t know what that means for our relationship.
I really don’t know.